Changeling
by Dandy in the Aspic
Summary: When all is lost, how do you go on? When the galaxy is falling apart, when duty and reason come between love and comfort, when the world is painted in greys, how can you find your way back? Project Changeling has the power to destroy them forever. This is the story of Shepard and Kaidan finding hope and home again. ME2, ME3, DLC, AU. Action/drama/romance/family. Image: iron-han.
1. Dreams and Pain

_O hard, when love and duty clash!_

- **Tennyson**

* * *

Shepard died on a Tuesday.

When she gasped her last breath Kaidan's name was on her lips. All the moments she would never get to live flashed before her eyes.

Awareness ceased for an age but suddenly returned in a maelstrom of pain and scattered thought.

Sometimes she was alive. Sometimes she was dead. In that lab she was Schrodinger's pet cat.

Shepard was a hideous creature, reanimated by technology. She was broken, flayed and raw.

In the hazy borders between life and death, Shepard dreamed.

Pain came to her in spurts of burning agony. Her bones were broken, tubes burnt her throat, her skin was rough; peeled away and there was a strange tightness across her belly. There were moments of reprieve too - when the pain was fogged away, crowded out with anesthesia. Sometimes she almost preferred the pain to the unreality of the drug heavy dreams.

She dreamt of Joker, miraculously unbent and unbroken by his disease. Tali's laugh, distorted by her suit made her split lips smile. Her heart thumped a sickly, weak beat at Garrus' dry jokes, the turian's pink margarita she made him drink clutched in his talons and the retort of his precious rifle in her ears.

In some distant part of her mind she knew it was all imaginary but when the brain is damaged, imaginary is as good as real.

Liara was there too, apparently fascinated by braiding Shepard's hair, smoothing a cool blue hand over her feverish forehead. Wrex told her to be tough and brave, his booming, mocking chuckle echoing in her ears. Anderson clapped a steady hand on her shoulder, he believed in her and she felt comforted. Ash called her Skipper, her cheeks prettily flushed pink. Her hands were stained with her assault rifle's cleaning fluid. Shepard knew she was dead like her and missed Ash like a severed limb.

Most of all, she dreamt of Kaidan. Kaidan's whiskey colored, puppy-dog eyes. He lifted his scarred lips in a secret, shy smile. Shepard imagined the sweet taste of cereal and the heady rush of pleasure when the forces of gravity bent to their combined will. Her dream-self kissed him on the cheek in the mess of her ghost, dead-forever ship. Shepard felt the texture of his hair when she ran her fingers through it.

A fluttery heart began beating in tandem with hers.

Shepard would cry if she had the tears, the pain always returned and she floated, cut hopelessly adrift. Flame and white hot stabs of pain were her new loyal companions.

* * *

She dreamt of the surreal, of the world upside down, of space and pain and confusion. There was no real memory here, no sense of time. Maybe her personal Purgatory was constructed from crystal prisms, scattering her worst memories into bright and piercing things.

There was a black dog biting at her heels. Red pooled, ghostly blood was behind her eyelids - it was red_, it was red, it was red_. Her mind dwelt on small details, texture and harshly conceptualized color. Ash burned to pieces, a cruel play on her name, and the flash fry of a jerry-rigged nuclear payload. It burnt her eyes out of their sockets, the light so bright.

She left had Ash to die so _he_ could live.

In another nightmare Saren choked her, his hand squeezing her throat so tight like a vise. A red monstrosity boomed his assertions at her, an insect to be squashed. Organic life was a mistake. She was a mistake. Vanguard of their destruction. For a moment she was afraid, and believed it.

Her squad died screaming on hellish Akuze, Toombs' tortured eyes blaming her. Shepard's dream-self shot him with shaky hands to stop him blaming her. His brains splattered on her face, in her mouth. Kaidan's eyes stared. It _was red, it was red,_ a raw tattoo, it was red, _stop it, stop it_. It hurts.

Shepard wanted to die.

Her brother, her little boy was there. Milo's small emaciated body was ravaged by drugs. She lived her life again, her greatest failures laid bare. She watched him for hours. He was laid out on a cold slab. Scabs were vivid red against his dead white skin.

Why wouldn't it stop? Wasn't death supposed to be nothing?

* * *

There were voices sometimes. A woman and a man. She didn't like them. When they were around so too was the burning pain and the biting-sharp needles.

"Progress?" The voice was female, clipped and controlled.

Machines beeped competing with the clatter of medical tools. There were two beeps, one quick as a hummingbird and the other sluggish.

"Slow. We risk killing them both by preforming too many procedures at once. More skin grafts should be next. Tell the lab to start more cultures up in prep." The male sounded annoyed.

Shepard didn't care. The words were meaningless. The only thing to pass her eternity of agony, her private hell, was the oblivion of drugs. She smelt antiseptic, it stung her nose.

Somehow, tortuously slowly, her existence got easier over time. The pain became less frequent and biting. Her confusion and vivid dreams faded.

Once though, it snuck up on her; like an unwanted cloying friend. Her body was heavy, her back muscles were tight. They clenched in repeated, measured agony. Little fingers poked through her skin, setting her blood on fire. The acid of the Thresher Maws on Akuze was a summer breeze in comparison. The voices raised in urgency, in panic, in bizarre excitement. Distantly, Shepard heard a strange baby wail. She wished it would shut up, she was on fire again and the cries intensified the pain.

With a monumental effort her eyes fluttered open. Shepard would tell someone, ask them to make it stop. She was a Commander, people listened to her. She would make them stop.

A dark-haired woman with blue eyes hovered over where she lay, there was a bundle of blue blankets cradled gently in her arms. Her cold eyes ignored Shepard, they were fixated on the squirming, squalling bundle.

"My god, Miranda. I think she's waking up." The male said. He sounded surprised.

"Dammit, Wilson! I told you your estimates were off. Run the numbers again. You're lucky it survived." The woman's voice was angry. "It's earlier than _he_ would have liked."

"It's not my fault Miranda, her biotics burn the meds off so quick." Wilson whined.

"Excuses. You should adjust and calculate accordingly. Sedate Shepard. Properly this time." The voice named Miranda was waspish.

"I need to report to the Illusive Man about the procedure. Get the nurse to clean her up while I'm gone. I'll take care of him but I'll need to organize transport to another cell soon."

"Fine." The man dripped resentment from every syllable. Once Shepard heard Miranda's heels retreat from the room, the man mumbled under his breath. "Yeah, yeah. Don't get attached now, you prissy bitch."

There was a prick of her skin, the pressure of a depressed plunger and she drifted back to her dream world; lulled by silence and drugs. Those cries were gone. Her sense of time warped and stretched. A second lasted an eternity and whole days passed in the space of a breath.

* * *

The next time Shepard awoke it was to the woman screaming at her to get up and put her armor on.

Blearily she stumbled upright, her body not her own anymore. Everything ached, her hips, her chest, her breasts and her very bones. Shepard's skin was cracked, like spider-webbed ice, cybernetic implants seeping through. A gun felt foreign in her hand, geth thermal sink technology unfamiliar.

Alarms were blaring and she had a headache. She pawed through the closet, finding armor hanging there. It fit her perfectly, molding to her form like a second skin. It was dark blue; they'd even noted her preferred style - Alliance colors. She still missed her old lightweight jumpsuit.

Her training was kicking in, Anderson had always told her: _"Shepard, you get some armor and a gun and half your problems are already solved. Then all you need to worry about is getting out alive."_

Shepard's second remarkable life had begun and nothing was ever the same.

The voice named Miranda guided her through the door. Shepard moved warily but swiftly, her steps measured.

Shepard paced into the next room and the mechanical whine of a mech was the only warning she had to throw herself behind some boxes.

"Someone's hacked security, Shepard! You'll have to fight through." Miranda blared on the intercom, static kept cutting in.

"Thank you mysterious voice, that's abundantly obvious!" She snapped back.

Shepard could see the facility was overrun, and the inhabitants mostly dead. She shot the mech in the head and took it down but as she dashed to the next room, she had to fairly skid across the floor in her haste to avoid more.

_'Great. Not an easy escape then.' _Shepard thought bitterly. Escape and evade was usually a specialty of hers, the mechs were a nagging annoyance. Why were they even attacking? Mechs were usually a manpower boost to supplement a security detail.

Shepard's true strength had always lain in her biotics. Despite Kaidan spiking higher than she could, her main advantage was she wasn't afraid of what she could do with her gifts. When they'd sparred, the cargo hold had turned into a place gravity didn't exist. Mostly she'd win, her use of the environment superior. He held back too much. A well thrown crate, a distracting Warp and she'd have him. She learnt to compensate for her lesser power by using creativity, setting up Singularities to funnel enemies into kill zones or Pull them from cover.

Now her greatest strength failed her. An attempted Pull against another mech contingent surged out of her with far too much force; it was like a tsunami when what she really wanted was a soft river.

The burst of biotics was far more than she should have been ever capable of with her L3 implant. The surge blew her backwards, her own dark energy rippling along her skin like a dog suddenly biting its master.

"What the hell did you do to me?!" She shouted impotently at the speakers; but it was useless. Miranda had fritzed offline. Shepard threw herself behind cover again. Her pistol was all she had. She was handicapped in a way she hadn't felt since she received her implant as a teenager.

_'God, how does anyone get anything done without mass effect fields!?'_ She thought, chagrined.

Despite her ungainly new body the muscle memory gradually returned. The heavy pistol was her saving grace. Well, in addition to the sweet-ass rocket launcher she managed to snag from a dead guard. Despite her sour mood that at least made her lips quirk in feral glee.

She moved deeper into the station. Lights flickered hellishly; dead bodies lay in pools of crimson blood everywhere. As she ascended a flight of stairs, a masculine voice screamed, "Shepard!", but when she turned to help he was stuck behind the glass wall that separated them.

"Hang on! I'll get through to you." She turned to the wall console, frantically trying to open it to no avail. Everything was locked out and she had never been good at hacking. She had usually relied on Tali, Garrus and Kaidan for these situations. She was far too slow.

"I'm gonna find another-" She cut off in horror; a heavy mech appeared behind the frightened man and fired into his back. Shepard flinched as the blood splattered directly onto the glass in front of her, and the mech walked off hunting for new targets. The corpse lay there, hopelessly punctured with multiple rounds.

What was going on? Where was her crew? Where was Kaidan? If she was injured, surely he'd be around somewhere?

Confused panic drew her further in; she needed to escape this place desperately. She felt jumpy, confused and exposed.

The sound of biotics had her heart pounding in sudden hope but as she ran through the door she quickly realized it wasn't Kaidan. There was a large, dark-skinned man firing over a railing at more mechs, occasionally Pulling them across the void of two balconies.

Shepard approached him cautiously. "What is going on here?! Who are you?"

"Commander Shepard?" He wheeled towards her, surprised. "Things are bad if Miranda's got you running about. You weren't supposed to be up yet."

"You never answered my question." Shepard just barely resisted the urge to turn the gun on him. He wouldn't answer her questions if she threatened him; she sensed he wasn't the type to scare easy. But _Shepard _was not the type for endless patience, if he didn't tell her what she wanted to know she would _make_ him.

"Sorry, the name's Jacob Taylor and your guess is as good as mine. How 'bout we take care of the mechs shooting at us and I'll fill you in on the way to the shuttles?"

Shepard didn't answer; she popped up and in rapid succession felled two mechs with her pistol. She watched enviously as Jacob Pulled the last two over the rail to fall far below them. She wanted her biotics back, their normal reliability. Eventually, it fell quiet and she turned to him, holstering her pistol and raised a single eyebrow expectantly.

"Ok. I'll give you the short version. Your ship was attacked, you were killed. Dead as dead could be. When they brought you in here, you were nothing but meat and tubes. Our scientists have been working for two years to put you back together. Welcome back to your life." Jacob said it with no attempt at sugar coating. Her life and death was just bland facts to him, rattled off like a report.

Shepard stumbled back a step, shocked. Dead?

_Gasping, no air, no purchase, no gravity for her to twist, no light. Pain, lungs screaming for relief, cold. A broken ulna, Intai'sei, a sunlit apartment, I love you, red dust, amber and blue flares. The last spark of her dying brain seared his smile on her retina._

She'd died. She'd really died. How could she be here, now, with a second chance?

Shepard pulled herself back to Jacob, the acrid metallic smoke in the air making her eyes water and nose sting. This was _real_, right now, not some surreal flashback.

"What about my crew? Were there any other survivors from the _Normandy_? What about Lieutenant Alenko?" She knew she sounded anxious but she didn't care. He could think whatever he wanted about her. Anderson had always told her to have more control over her emotions, practice a better poker face. But Anderson wasn't here now, no one trustworthy was.

"I heard he survived. The asari, and the quarian, too. Pressly and a few servicemen from the lower decks didn't though." Jacob answered.

Shepard felt like she'd been punched in the face.

Her crew and Pressly. Sweet old Pressly with his pictures of his granddaughters and constant arguments with Joker she was forever breaking up.

_'No. This is all wrong.' _She thought, desperately denying this horrible new reality.

"_Where_ are we? This isn't an Alliance facility. I see no soldiers, no chain of command." Shepard demanded, feeling her temper spark. Kaidan had always called her a firecracker; she burnt so bright and brash. This whole situation seemed suspicious to Shepard; who had the funding for a station like this, if not the Alliance?

"I can't say much more for now." Jacob's eyes slipped away from hers. "But you should know that the Alliance abandoned you. They declared you killed in action and covered everything up. And if we don't get out of here soon…they'll be right."

She barely heard when Jacob continued speaking; saying something about Miranda, Shepard's guiding voice on the radio. Her brain spun with the possibility of being declared KIA. What about Kaidan? Her friends? Anderson? Surely they had been informed she was alive. Shepard only pulled out of her shocked daze when another male voice cut in on the radio.

"Wilson." Jacob identified. The white and black-clad Agent carried on a short conversation with him that Shepard tried to follow, scooping up any intel she could.

"I know Wilson." Shepard said vaguely, her mind lost in that awful fog. "I think he was there when I woke up one time."

"He's Miranda's assistant. Come on, we should go help him."

Her only concern was getting off here and finding them all. Jacob's biotics were a poor echo of Kaidan's and when they came across Wilson she let Jacob handle the medi-gel application. As far as she was concerned, these people had nothing to do with her, just potential enemies everywhere.

She couldn't help venting her fear and annoyance into the unfortunate oncoming mechs. Her battle rhythm was off; Jacob unable to anticipate her moves or react quickly enough. Wilson was useless, hobbling around on his injured leg, his shots missing their mark.

After the mechs were taken out mostly by Jacob; the two men started speaking, arguing over Miranda's loyalty.

"Look. Just shut up." She had had enough. "I don't trust either of you. All I want is to get out of here alive. You can either come with me or get out of my way."

"Shepard, I know this is confusing but we need to work together. I've got to tell you whose facility this is. And you're not going to like it." Jacob was calm and solid but it did nothing to reassure her. Shepard found him smarmy and too smooth.

"Jacob. Is that necessary?" Wilson argued, moving in front of Jacob.

"We won't make it out if she's expecting a bullet in the back, Wilson." Jacob shot back. Wilson fell into rebellious silence. Apparently satisfied by a mute Wilson, Jacob turned to Shepard and took a deep breath.

"Project Lazarus was funded and controlled by Cerberus." Jacob said, his tone was resigned, wary of her reaction.

Shepard sighed internally. _'Cerberus, those terrorist nut-jobs. This day just gets better and better. Next thing this space station will blow up and I'll wake up in a Reaper lab….'_

"Kinda makes me want to expect a bullet in the back even more, Jacob. You people are sick. But you know what? I don't give a damn as long as we get off this alive. I'll never work for Cerberus. You're deluded if you think otherwise." She hissed at the Cerberus Agent.

Shepard made them take point, holding her pistol ready. Cerberus killed her whole squad on Akuze, they had enough reach to even kill an Admiral and get away with it, she would be damned if they fooled her again.

When the disparate trio made it to the shuttles, it was packed with mechs. Shepard stuck to cover, edging her way upstairs while Jacob and Wilson bunched together and flanked the synthetics. Despite the numbers, thankfully the mechs were not exactly durable and easily dispatched between the three of them. She rushed to the shuttle bay door, the taste of freedom a siren's call.

The woman who opened the door certainly looked like a siren, with a murderously cold streak to match.

Wilson took a bullet in the brain and his blood splattered her face hotly. The red made her skin itch and phantom pain throbbed in her limbs. Her stomach muscles contracted in disgust and a little disgusted pity.

Miranda Lawson was a bitch and Shepard hated her immediately.

"That your idea of due process?" Shepard raised her gun, pointing it at the stunningly beautiful woman.

"_My _idea of process, anyway. He killed my staff and would have done the same to us." Miranda's eyes coolly appraised hers. Shepard felt like she was being x-rayed by them; all her faults laid bare.

Shepard met her stare unflinchingly. "That was wrong, and I don't like it but…you're my only way off this station. So let's move, unless you want me to move you by force?"

"That won't be necessary, Shepard." She did not intimidate Miranda at all; there was not a twinge of change in her impassive pale face. Jacob on the other hand, was watching their interaction with an expression of alarm, his hand twitching to his sidearm. Shepard wasn't worried about him, she could take him out in the time he took to draw his gun. His training was sloppy; her trained N7 commando status was overkill against his mall-cop's repertoire.

Shepard took a deep breath. "Good. I am glad we understand each other. Let's go, you can fill me in on the shuttle."

Shepard stalked ahead, Miranda and Jacob following in her wake. Whoever had left her to suffocate in space and destroyed her ship had a lot to answer for.

So did Cerberus, and she was not going to let them get away with it.


	2. Hell and Archangel

Omega was dirty. Shepard hated it; the crime, corruption and destitution seemed to cling to her skin and clogged her pores. The stench of rotting bodies from Mordin's district still clung to her hair. Burning bodies were piled in the streets, life was held in little regard. Your body was a commodity to be bartered with like any other. This cesspool exemplified every reason why she left Earth for the dangers of space. One day you may be blown to kingdom come, she knew that better than anyone else but at least when you died it was a dignity. Not a withered defeat, writhing in filth. Dignity was a precious quality to hold onto.

On Earth, she'd hated being forced to eke out an existence on the fringes of survival. Not knowing where she'd sleep at night, whether her stomach would stay painfully empty. Would it be a day she would be killed, assaulted, beaten? Living like that, in _fear_, wasn't living at all.

She resented Miranda and the Illusive Man making her relive these memories. The Collectors were taking colonies. The Alliance should be the one dealing with it, not some terrorist extremists with lab kits.

She sat in Afterlife waiting for the salarian, Mordin, to finish his business with his clinic. His assistant Daniel needed briefed and she was sure Mordin was drilling him in how to use a gun. Or kill them and display their bodies as a warning...

Shepard shook her head, STG or not, he was coldly clinical.

Miranda and Jacob milled at the bar, talking quietly. Plotting the best way to get to Archangel she presumed.

Shepard would as soon leave him. Steal the ship with Joker, and head straight to the Citadel.

She'd find Anderson, Kaidan, her old crew and take down the Collectors just like Saren. The damn AI EDI, would probably stop her though. It was best she played along for now and gathered intel on Cerberus' plans.

Shepard sighed, slumping forward in the plush leather seats. Idly, her pale eyes skimmed the undulating asari dancers, not really seeing them. A migraine was forming, her unfamiliar implant buzzing uncomfortably.

This was so far outside her comfort zone. Even while chasing down Saren she'd had rules, procedures, the Alliance behind her. She was given orders, and mostly they were good orders, so she followed them. Black and white was easy. Shepard's hands shook uncontrollably and her head felt hot. She cradled it, trying to cool her forehead with her hands. She longed for Kaidan's calming influence, steady at her back. Heck she'd kill for Garrus and his sarcastic wit.

Skulking around recruiting mercs and criminals? She didn't like it.

Shepard had picked up Zaeed on the way into Omega, beating the crap out of his own helpless prisoner. It took Miranda's pointed nagging to stop her from refusing him admittance on her ship.

Shepard huffed, alarming a salarian seated across from her. She couldn't even make decisions for herself anymore.

As soon as she had met the charismatic CEO of Cerberus, her hackles had risen. He was a colorful viper, hidden in the long grass of technology and distance. Every word he said was a smokescreen, a re-direction. He dangled pretty shiny things like a new ship, Chakwas and Joker in front of her eyes to distract her like a child.

And after Freedom's Progress, there was nothing more Shepard could do than pretend to be fooled. Despite her distaste, they needed each other. Those colonists needed saved by the best and she was it.

Well, usually...

Her implant was still playing up; uncontrollable blasts her reward instead of the smooth precise energy she used to have. Miranda had said they upgraded her; apparently she'd even gotten a second dosing of eezo exposure from her own exploding drive core when she'd died. They'd tweaked her nodules to incorporate it. Shepard privately thought she'd count her lucky stars she didn't have brain cancer. She'd wish they hadn't, her old biotics were like another limb. The new ones made her feel like Saren, tampered with and like an unfamiliar arm was attached to her incongruously. The supposed '_better_' implant didn't even work properly.

Who knew what else they'd done? Miranda had tossed her hair and offered to show her some techniques but Shepard would sooner ask the Mess Sergeant to clean the toilet and cook her dinner. Maybe if she could find Kaidan, he could help? Control was what he was about and she desperately needed some.

That thought buoyed her dour mood and she pushed out the seat, eager to confront Archangel. Her minor breakdown forgotten; her _Commander-fucking-Shepard _mask was firmly in place. It was time to have a chat with Aria. Mordin could meet her on the ship later. The sooner this was over the sooner she could sort out her life. She'd just have to be careful of the Illusive Man. Not once had he seemed like he wasn't holding all the cards, like he always knew something she didn't.

"Hey lady, stripper's room is on the other side of the room." A gruff voice called as she stalked into the merc recruitment area.

The merc recruiter was a batarian, definitely not her favourite race after the debacle over Terra Nova. Shepard freely admitted she had a prejudice against most of them, their reputation as harsh slavers coloring her interactions with them. One of her former squad members had lost his whole family on Mindoir. When he'd died on Akuze there had been nobody to write a letter to.

Her temper, so near the surface these days, flared. "Call me that again and you'll be the one stripping metal slugs out of your body." Shepard's fists were clenched, her jaw set tight.

"No offense lady. You lookin' for the Archangel job?" He asked, nonplussed. The batarian's four eyes barely glanced her way.

He gave her the details quickly, having seen tons of freelancers come and go. It was clearly a desperate, sloppy op; the callow kid foolishly trying to sign up after her was in no way a professional. She smashed his gun, heedless of his aghast face and shouldered past. Promises of money in a place like this drove the poor to great lengths. The gangs made her sick, the devil in Afterlife offering a helping hand, a quick fix only for the price of your soul. Her eyes narrowed against the holographic flames as she pushed her way out of the club, Miranda and Jacob following.

* * *

In the merc base, Archangel's slug impacted her shields, disintegrating them. If nothing else that bastard was good. Momentarily she panicked; reflex had her forming the gesture for her Barrier. Ever since she'd first been amped it had been her bullet-proof security blanket. The blue was a soothing wash of comfort against her like a second skin. Kaidan had said hers had been one of the best he'd seen.

This time it didn't work. The blue Barrier was far too thinly spread and permeable. Miranda yanked her behind a crate, a little crease between her manicured brows.

"Fuck. Sorry, I forgot." Shepard was embarrassed, not used to being caught unawares.

Her gaze skittered away from Miranda's judging eyes, they were communicating clearly Shepard was not living up to her reputation. Shamed prickled uncomfortably in her throat. She moved quickly across the open room; skirting the edges of grimy crates to avoid providing an easy target again. She was rusty and she knew it.

The meeting with Cathka, the apparent handler of the freelancers, did not go well. He was another batarian and when she jammed the welding rod he'd been using into his back, he collapsed bonelessly. Tiny tendrils of smoke still rose from his mouth to make her nose itch. Shepard was slightly shocked at her own newfound ruthlessness. Maybe later, she'd lie in bed wracked with guilt.

But right now? She just felt cold satisfaction.

_Finally_; she'd taken control of the situation, the little river of panic running through her abating to a trickle.

Together with Jacob and Miranda, she vaulted the crates onto the bridge span. Shepard was determined not to be a burden, not to show weakness. She could do this. Cerberus didn't own her. And they didn't own her mind. She pushed past the unpleasant feedback from her amp, ignoring the spiking headache and threw a Warp into a charging Blue Suns mercenary in front.

He collapsed like a puppet with his strings cut. As she ran past she noted the whole back of his head had dented inwards. She was glad he fell face down, she couldn't afford the bile to rise in her throat, couldn't afford another distraction. She pumped her legs harder to run past him.

The next merc in her way was shot squarely in the back and then the merc groip _finally_ got a clue, turning on Shepard and Cerberus Agents. There was a tiny thrill of battle returning to Shepard, a slow warmth and pleasant burn to her limbs. Lactic acid pooled in her muscles, feeling and proof she was here and alive.

Another Pull yanked one out of cover for Jacob to shoot between the eyes. Miranda and Shepard together threw one into a wall, the crack of bones echoing loudly. Her Singularity dangled them helplessly for easy pickings. None of her powers were where they were two years ago, but it was a start.

Her head was splitting in pain but for the first time she woke up, she felt like she had surfaced after too long underwater. Ascending the stairs, her feet were lighter.

They were lighter still when she saw him: Archangel was _Garrus_. Heedless of the flunkies at her side, she threw an arm awkwardly around him. She hugged his much larger frame, all the strength she possessed holding him tight and her head against his hard armored chest. Briefly he squeezed her back. She'd never been as glad to have someone shooting at her in her life. Tears pricked, and shamefully she blinked them away.

"Shepard, just like old times." Garrus' voice was exhausted, all dull inflection.

"You shot at me Gar! What's the deal?"

"Ha. Just to keep you on your toes. Have to say you're not as quick as you used to be."

"Yeah, well. Just you wait; I'll fling you 'round the room like I used to. You'll scream like a little girl. Remember that time you promised Kaidan all your weapons mods, if only he'd pull you down from the ceiling? That was fun." Despite the imminent merc problem she was exuberant. The endorphins from the skirmish and her old friend were making her giddy and she could barely hold back hysterical laughter.

"That was great." He mocked her. "Alenko always said you were a tyrant. You can try again, Shepard. I know your dirty tricks now. But first let's take care of the bad guys."

The first fight went well, their ranged abilities a perfect advantage for their perch. She left Jacob with Garrus to watch his back while she closed the shutter doors into the rear entrance and it got sticky, quick. There was a nasty burn on her arm courtesy of a vorcha flamethrower and she had to frantically race back to Garrus, their position was being overrun.

The combined gangs had finally stopped throwing mercs at them, and brought in the gunship.

When Garrus fell, pooling blood on the floor, her heart seized. This couldn't happen; she'd finally found something familiar again. Her friend, her drinking partner, her confidant.

'_Screw this. Garrus, you don't get to do this to me._' Shepard thought fierce and protective. No one messed with Shepard's crew.

Reaching behind her, she grasped cold metal and the heavy weapon unfolded sleekly into her arms.

A breath and careful aim, time slowed for Shepard. The rocket launcher she'd picked up on Lazarus' HQ tore through the gunship's shields like tissue paper. Its explosion echoed in her ears, flames spewing spectacularly. A bloom of heat flushed her cheeks red.

As soon as it was down, she was sliding across the metal floor at Garrus' side. The metal floor sparked her, he biotics discharging. The turian's striking blue eyes watched her face intently, like she'd taken on his own avenging angel mantle. He was probably impressed she even had a rocket launcher, Garrus always been a fan of the extreme force route.

"Hold on Garrus. You can't die on me now." Shepard practically begged, fumbling with medi-gel.

"Heh, Shepard, you shou- take..own advice." He was weak, his words were formed clumsily. She put her hand over his talons and hoped this wouldn't be another person she cared for, dying in front of her.

* * *

On the Normandy she hovered outside the med bay, biting her nails. The ugly brown jumpsuit; the only thing she'd found in her closet that didn't have the Cerberus logo on it, made her want to crawl out of her skin. The fabric scratched unpleasantly against her regrown, sensitive skin.

The wait to hear about Garrus' condition made her jumpy and obsessive, little things annoying. The way Cerberus had seen fit to increase her bust size while rebuilding her, uncomfortably top heavy now. Kaidan had always affectionately joked he liked her old smaller breasts; these were another reminded of what had changed. She was disconnected from her body, a talking head. Would he mind how she looked now? Would he be disgusted with her new body, the patchwork zombie she'd become? Most bizarrely, her hips had been widened and made her old pant size a strained fit. She hated it. Her hair was far too long, threatening to fall past her shoulders in a dark messy tumble. The tips brushing her back reminded her bizarrely of crawling Rachni in dark shadows, dusting over the top of her spine.

Shepard paced for two hours and then gave up, sick at heart. It wouldn't do any good waiting here and she resolved to meet with Miranda and Jacob for a de-briefing.

It figured that stubborn sniper would decide then he'd waltz in, a cybernetic patch of some kind over his wound.

Garrus' mandibles flapped; almost self-conscious at her staring. "How bad is it?"

She swallowed hard, wanting to comfort him and say the right words.

"Hell Garrus, I might just trade you in for a newer model. Your ass is getting wide and I like 'em lean and mean. I'm totally swinging by C-SEC for a new turian hot-head." She kept her tone deliberately light and teasing; wanting to recapture their old playfulness.

"Ha. Shepard, you always was a fickle, nasty piece of work. Guess that's how I know it's really you. Cerberus captured that sour look on your ugly mug perfectly."

"Suck it, Vakarian. You think you're hot shit with those scars now. Ooh, bet you can't keep the krogan women off. That'll be hot." Shepard teased and elbowed him lightly in his large chest.

"In your dreams, Shepard. Besides, think you might have me beat on the scar front there. Feel like some sweet krogan lovin'? For once in your life, you might actually be attractive." He was smiling in earnest now, mandibles flared.

She beamed a thousand megawatt bright, real smile back. Maybe things had changed, but Garrus hadn't. Kaidan would be no different; they could pick up the pieces. That hope burned in her chest, a small flame.


	3. Nothing is Quite the Same

_Your lowly author here again. I really appreciate all your reviews and opinions. Please leave me your pretty thoughts :) thanks guys._

* * *

After having got gotten Garrus settled in the forward battery, Shepard returned to Omega alone. Some datapads Jacob had apparently found in the merc base indicated a hit was being planned on Aria T'loak. Shepard thought she was ruthless sociopath but her time in the Reds had quickly taught her that it was far better to have one large crime figure in charge than three squabbling factions. Less innocent bystanders were caught in the way.

After in her cabin, she started stripping. Shepard felt desperate to be clean. The releases on her armor made her tired fingers clumsy and thick; the ache for Kaidan's deft fingers to help her throbbed through her body. Was it possible for longing to become physical? She was being stupid. It was just her ugly scars healing. Back then, those few short weeks they had together; he would meet her by the lockers after a mission and begin the ritual of stripping each other's armour. Half the time they didn't even need the help, but it was an excuse to be close. A hand brushed against a sweaty neck, a lock of hair tucked behind her ear, a touch to his temples.

Shepard shook her head sharply, spots dancing in her vision. Now was not the time to slip into foolish daydreams. Almost violently she jerked the catches, not caring at her roughness and stripped in record time.

She took her time in the shower, scrubbing the harsh military grade shampoo through her hair three times. Eventually the stench of Omega was washed way but she could feel the squeaky dryness left, all the natural oils stripped. The dirt on her body took less time but she had to work to avoid the patchwork of glowing, still-tender scars. Chakwas said they should eventually fade, but what if they didn't? They were awful. Shepard wasn't a vain woman but before all this she'd taken a sort of basic pride in her body. It was hers, all hers. She shared it with Kaidan willingly and joyfully and took pride in the things she could do with it. Her biotics, athleticism, her small scars, her network of freckles scattered like galaxies – all the things that had defined her before were gone, wiped clean. The biotics, an intrinsic part of her, were unrecognizable.

_How dare they_? Everything was wrong.

Shepard stepped out, dripping water all over the floor to examine herself critically in the mirror. The cold air raised goose bumps along her skin. Her eyes raked the blue veins standing out against the pale skin, and it occurred to her that the newly regrown parts had never been touched by the sun. Her hair was choppy and limp, her eyes dull and her skin almost translucent. How did Garrus even recognize her? She was a zombie. Her blue eyes were stark, sunken in her skull.

Desperate to look like her old self, she grabbed the sharp utility scissors from the sink and took them to her hair. Shepard was a soldier and very obviously not a hairdresser. She snipped her and there at random, hair draining down the sink's plug. It was a mess; she even managed to make it worse than before.

She had tried to even it out into the old neat bob but now it was shaggy and inexpertly layered falling messily to her shoulders. Little bits fell into her eyes and she felt like a stupid child messing around with things she didn't understand. To her utter horror she felt tears welling up and couldn't quite choke back a sob this time. In the mirror her eyes were wide and swimming with tears, the sight of her own naked body sending a wave of repulsion to her stomach. It curdled there like bad milk and brought more tears rushing, a harsh lump forming in her throat.

"F-fuck..."

Unable to stop, she gave into the black feeling in her chest and slid to the cold, wet floor. Drawing her knees to her chest, she sobbed in earnest. Shepard threaded her fingers through her hair again and again. It was just hair, why was she even crying? Miranda, with her perfect hair falling in waves, perfect body, perfect skin and perfect biotics would look at her and scoff. She dreaded leaving this cabin, Cerberus eyes on her, EDI's 'eyes' on her. Shepard had never felt like this before; the Lazarus Project seemed to have awakened a sick self-loathing within her.

She could feel snot and tears on her face, the dry skin uncomfortably tight and stinging. This wasn't her. This wasn't. Commander Shepard did not sit on the floor naked bawling like a baby over a bad haircut. Her sobs were broken and stuttered. She tried to muffle herself, her hands pressed to her lips. No one except the AI would be able to hear but the sound of it panicked her further. Shepard desperately wanted to silence herself, stop the crying. Maybe Miranda had crossed some wires in her brain… she'd gotten through the deaths of her whole squad back on Akuze with less freaking.

_What __**if **__she had?_

Shepard had never felt like this before. Maybe she was brain damaged? They'd already screwed up her body shape, maybe her brain was the same.

She shoved awkwardly to her feet, limbs cold and shaky. Shepard stepped into the shower again, this time blasting the heat and washing her face. She still looked terrible but the crying had seemed to relieve some pressure inside. It couldn't happen again; she needed to pull it together. She was probably being watched all the time, more material for the Illusive Man to hang over her head like a dangling sword. She needed someone impartial to look her over, scan her brain for defects. Chakwas was good but advanced brain surgery was probably beyond her skill level.

Mordin. He was the answer. She was suddenly glad she'd braved the plagues and stench of Omega to pick him up.

Mordin would know if there was something wrong. He wasn't Cerberus; he would have no reason to lie.

She quickly dressed, the glare from the empty fish tank bathing her blue. It was a ridiculous Cerberus excess, along with the massive CO quarters. Her old cabin on the SR1 was much better suited, this felt ostentatious. Shepard never had liked being singled out so obviously, years of being discriminated against for her biotics encouraging her to keep her head low. Until Akuze she was mostly successful. Her hair was unsalvageable; it would just need to grow in more. A few hair clips and an elastic band managed to tie it back out of the way and disguise the damage.

Leaving the cabin, she jammed her fist into the elevator call button, scrubbing her hand across her face hoping the flush had subsided. The crew were like jackals, any signs of weakness and they'd be on her. The CIC was bustling and she felt like everyone would be watching her face.

'_This ship is too clean, too well lit,' _she thought, and not for the first time. The bright lights reminded her uncomfortably of the feeling of being thrust onto a stage. She hated that feeling, she could go her whole life just being an Alliance grunt, never being promoted if she could avoid being singled out or idolized. It was what had initially attracted her to Kaidan, they had similar quiet personalities. She was far more irreverent of course, but in each other they'd found someone who would look past ranks, biotics and her negative reputation from Akuze. On Arcturus, they would whisper behind their hands, wondering why she had survived when so many other good men were killed. Her postings on various frigates were usually lonely endeavours, no one particularly wanting to serve with someone seen as a bad luck charm. On the old_ Normandy,_ Kaidan had said he was honoured to have served with her. No one had said that since her old squad were dragged to their deaths. The best part was, he had no idea how much that meant to her. Shepard wished he was here but she first had to pick up the prisoner from Purgatory, it was on the way to the Citadel. Shepard hoped Kaidan would understand the delay; the Collectors needed as many specialists as possible. She'd explain. He would have to be concerned about the Collectors too.

* * *

The unfamiliar faces with Cerberus logos emblazoned on their chests made her steps almost falter on the way to the tech lab. On the _Normandy_ SR1, she had liked to walk from deck to deck, getting to know the crew and collect her thoughts for the next mission. Pressly was a competent XO, a little old fashioned but experienced and reasonable. Kaidan was a damned good officer who sometimes tempered her more wild ideas. The dingy military lightning was perfect for quiet discussions on the next move and its implications. Now this new crew was just another irritation, potential spies and the ship was a gaudy eyesore. Not to mention the ghost in the shell to boot. Only this ghost had the power to shut down life support and report back to her dungeon master.

The tech lab in contrast was blessedly empty save for Mordin. The old salarian was typing away on his holographic keyboard.

"Mordin," she greeted.

"Ah! Shepard. Good to see you. Need something?" Mordin asked, glancing her way and did a small double take. _'Damn, I must look as bad I feel.'_

"Shepard. Pale. Feeling ill?"

"Yes Mordin. Actually, I don't feel right. I wanted you to scan me, my brain. I think Cerberus messed it up when they were rebuilding me." Shepard moved closer to him, leaning against his work bench.

Mordin studied her with curious, overlarge eyes. "Not human doctor. But can take a look. Cerberus work impressive. Curious, why not ask Ms Lawson?"

"I don't trust her. Do you?" He couldn't be serious, she'd rather live with a messed up brain than put herself under Miranda's care again.

"Hmm. Yes, agree. Was just checking." He raised his omnitool and waved it slowly down her whole body. Readings chirped out, endless scrolls of numbers and symbols she couldn't make any sense of.

"Brain appears normal. No damage. Neural pathways clear, expected element zero nodules and biotic implant. Otherwise normal." He was muttering almost to himself, intent on the readings.

"Interesting. Some small hormonal, chemical imbalances. Can be indicative of depression, various causes. Can give medication to correct."

"Depression?" She was surprised.

"Yes. New environment. Traumatic ordeal. You were damaged, yes?"

"You could say that."

"Hmm. If unwilling to take medication, suggest talking. No good myself. Empathy skills low. Your pilot, Joker. Turian. Old friends?"

"Yeah, yeah they are. You think that will help? Mordin, I feel like I'm going nuts," she whispered, shamefaced.

"All feel that way sometimes, Shepard. Talk. Will help. If not, come back." His thin little mouth stretched in a close approximation of a smile and Shepard felt herself return it. She wasn't exactly comforted but the advice had given her something to work with. At least she wasn't brain damaged. Well, no more than she used to be anyway.

She decided to speak to Joker, he was closer and Garrus was always a little awkward with feelings and human messy crying. '_Well, Joker was shit at it too_,' she amended mentally. At the very least he could understand what it felt like to be alone, like your body wasn't your own and failing you. The walk to the bridge, weaving around white-clad crew members was like that first trek on the Normandy SR1. Only this time she was the Spectre, a disgraced Spectre. And there were no puppy dog eyed Lieutenants snarking back at Joker in the co-pilot seat. Back then, she had to put on her tough Commander face to keep from laughing at them. Now there was an AI spy, private sector leather seats. She'd take cold hard metal and plastic any day over leather bought with blood money.

"Hey, Joker. Got a minute?" She slid into the spare seat next to him.

"Hey,Commander. Yeah, the AI will take care of it for a sec. Right EDI?"

"I am capable of flying the ship at all times, Mr Moreau." EDI's cool voice answered.

"Yeah yeah. Shush. What's up, Commander?" He swivelled in his chair to face her, eyebrows raised expectantly.

"Nothing really." She twisted her hands in her lap, feeling stupid. "I just wanted to see how you were doing with all this. Cerberus, you know? They did some messed up shit - hell we stopped a lot of it two years ago."

"I know, Commander. Miranda says that was rogue cells though. Taking stuff too far."

"And you believe her?"

"Shit no. Like I said before, only an idiot believes the official story."

"How can you work with them, then? You joined over a year ago right?"

"Yeah well. After the Alliance took away my wings, what else was I supposed to do? Cerberus knew about the Reapers and was actually giving a damn." Joker was slightly defensive, she thought. "After a while they told me about you, and I couldn't leave then. They wouldn't tell me where you were, said your body was too messed up to see."

"Thanks, Joker. I like being reminded of my mangled corpse."

"Er yeah, sorry." Joker rubbed the back of his neck. "Sorry about the whole 'killing you' thing, too."

Shepard was surprised. She hadn't even considered Joker would look at it like he got her killed. She got her self killed, really.

Slow reflexes and a shoddy airline. Panic slammed into her like a brick wall.

– _a flash of stars, cold, burning pain_ –

_STOP IT. _

_'You idiot. You'd think you were a green recruit. You don't get panic attacks. You are Commander Shepard.' _

She was safe. She was breathing. The leather was comfortable and cool; she could hear it squeak as she shifted. Shepard bundled that memory of stars and cold away in a tight dark corner in her brain, shut the door and threw the key away. With effort she re-focused on Joker.

He was speaking again and she hoped he hadn't noticed her breathing pick up. She was trying to feel better and _not_ end up a weeping ball on the floor again.

"Joker. It was my fault ok? I should have been quicker."

"Heh. Not what Alenko said." Joker protested, clearly having been wrestling with guilt for a while now.

"Kaidan? You have some kind of problem?" As far as Shepard knew the two men had been friends, verging on very good ones.

"No ma'am. Not really...It's just-" Joker broke off, struggling to word something.

"After you died...Well like I said, everything fell apart. Alenko and I, we didn't see eye to eye anymore. That's it. He could have done something more about the Reapers. Something more than just go along with the party line." Joker's eyebrows were raised, absolutely serious for once. Shepard got the impression he'd been wanting to say this for a while.

"I'm just saying, Commander. Don't get your hopes up. I don't think he's the man you think he is anymore. After you died, he was different, ok? And I don't think he'd be too glad to see me anyway..." Joker mumbled the last part, as though by spiting it out she wouldn't notice.

"Joker...First off. I know him. He was a good friend and I know he's a good man. He'll see these colonies need help. And secondly, what did you say to him? Alenko doesn't get pissed easy." Shepard told Joker, purposely avoiding the fact that she and Kaidan were more than friends. EDI didn't need to know. That was something she couldn't afford, the Illusive Man with more knowledge. He already had too much power in the galaxy over her.

"Why do you assume it was me who said something?! It could have been him, you know! I'm a nice guy too!" Joker protested.

Shepard just narrowed her eyes to gaze at him doubtfully, slightly amused that he was even protesting innocence.

"Fine. Ok, I might have said _some _things. Maybe I was a little upset over getting you killed and all...He wasn't thrilled about it either."

"Joker. You didn't..." Shepard said, exasperated.

"So your funeral wasn't the best place for it! I admit...But he shouldn't have been such a dick!"

"Wait, wait, wait. Back up there, Moreau! You started a fight. _At. My. Funeral_?!" Shepard was sure she should be offended, who even did that?!

"It was a very emotional time in my life, I'll have you know! So… maybe I didn't handle it with grace and dignity. It's overrated anyway- dignified grieving. Why have that have when there are sweet theatrics? Crying Italian windows and wailing? Gotta love that." He smiled what he clearly thought was a winning grin.

"Hmm hmm. Italian widows? Did you suddenly turn my widow _and_ Italian while I was gone? So what you're saying is, you just made it awful for everyone. Aren't you?"

"Pretty much. You're a very mourn-able person, you know. You should be flattered! It means I cared." Joker teased her, but she sensed he was partly telling the truth in his own way. He often covered his true thoughts with sarcastic jokes, mostly offensive. He had missed her.

"Yeah yeah, fly boy. I'm gonna remember this one! You so owe me." Despite herself and the topic, Joker had managed to get her smile at his irreverence.

"But seriously, it doesn't bother you? Working with them? Because I gotta say, the grey area is scaring the shit out of me. This crew, the ship, it isn't the same." Shepard got to what was bothering her.

"Nothing is I guess. It can't be. The _Normandy_ was lost. But maybe someday, this one can be a good one too. You've just gotta give it a chance." He leaned forward slowly and touched her hand. She looked at it in surprise, her skin having forgotten the warmth of another human body. She turned her palm around, gripping it gently. Joker looked alarmed for a moment, the sheen of tears back in her eyes surprising him.

"I know things are strange, Shep. Ok? But they'll get better. You, me Chakwas, and Garrus. We got this. Tali too when she finishes her quarian thing. Maybe you'll track down Alenko and Wrex." His voice for once had lost the sarcastic edge.

"You think?" Shepard knew they were probably pretty platitudes, but right now she'd take what she could get.

"I know. Ok?"

"Ok."

"Now, let go. You'll break my hand."

"Right, sorry!"

Things were strange, but they wouldn't always be. She was still confused and hateful of the restrictions and new ship but hopefully, after picking up 'The Prisoner' quickly they could get to the Citadel. He was mentioned to be a powerful biotic in the Dossier. Shepard hoped this 'Jack' would leave his criminal past firmly behind. She didn't like working with criminals anymore; it was something she avoided since the time with the Reds on Earth.

It would be ok, once on the Citadel she could join back up with the Alliance. Anderson and Kaidan would join her cause, together they could free her of Cerberus and get things back to the way they were meant to be. She'd just have to play along, let the Illusive Man think he had her docile cooperation.


	4. Blow my Blues Away

_Little bit of an early mark this week, guys. I'm going to try and be quick as much as I can. We need to get to the really fun stuff! :D_

_Special big thanks to avril for beta-ing, and my lovely regular reviewers. I would kiss my monitor for you. Also, thanks to my guest reviewer for bringing to my attention a fact that was clear in my head, but made me realise it would be confusing for readers. Thanks for your insightful comment, hope I cleared it up for you :D_

_Once again, I would love to hear your thoughts (whatever you liked, loved, or hated!) so let me have them! _

* * *

Shepard tapped her foot impatiently as she stood in the airlock, Garrus' heavy bored sigh spiking her annoyance level. They had already docked with Purgatory and she and Garrus were waiting for Miranda to arrive. Shepard was not a particularly patient woman and she hated starting a mission off already thrown for a loop. If Miranda thought she was making some kind of power play or statement by making her wait...

"Shepard, I say forget her. Take Jacob or Zaeed with us. Hell, let's storm the place ourselves. Just a pick up, right? Shepard and Vakarian: disgraced Spectre and turian rebel – we can handle that." Even Garrus sounded bored, leaning against the wall, his precious rifle casually slung on his shoulder. He had been amusing himself picking imaginary bits of lint from it, the way an old granny fussed over doilies.

"Oh? Like that time we thought we could handle a krogan battlemaster alone on Therum and you almost had a mandible cracked off? Wrex had to prise him off you." Shepard teased.

"Oh come on, we totally almost had him. If you had just kept to your side and actually been able to aim worth a damn." Garrus shifted his rifle, mock sighting down the barrel at an invisible krogan.

"Mmm hmm. Whatever you say, Garrus. Who was the one who actually kept her feet under her? That's right, me." Garrus rolled his beady ice chip eyes at her.

Shepard continued, sticking her tongue out at him, "Anyway, no I want to take Miranda. Jacob's biotics are no good with mine and I want some extra insurance if we're disarmed. Plus, you know shields always mess me up, and if it gets ugly I want another person with Overload."

"Why take me then? You're just using me for my sexy tech, is that it? I can see why poor Alenko never stood a chance, you have a tech fetish. You are a sick, sick woman." Garrus mock tutted. "Besides why not go all biotic?"

"Because Garrus, I would miss your pretty bony-kitty face. You've got my back; make sure I don't take a bullet in the brainpan." Shepard smirked.

She fervently hoped she had covered her insecurity over her own biotics and flagging self-confidence with the flippant remark. Ever since her almost-breakdown in the cockpit the day before, Joker had actually started being almost..._nice_ to her. It was freaking her out a little, to be honest. The last thing she wanted was Garrus to think she was a big crybaby too. A little teasing made her day brighter; Shepard couldn't handle being fussed over or a big deal made. It had always driven Kaidan mad, his need to protect, to be the _sentinel_ and watch out for her clashing like a wall against her stubborn pride.

"Damn right, I do. I resent the feline remark by the way; I've looked those awful creatures up on the extranet." Garrus raised three large talons in an imitation of a cat's swipe, his sharp little teeth barred in a hiss. Shepard had to work hard to keep her face straight; he would consider it a victory if she smiled.

'_Oh I've missed you, Garrus...More than you'll ever know.'_

"We can't all be squishy little biotics, I suppose. Need a man with some real firepower, you know who to call, Shepard." He continued; a prideful note still in his voice from her obvious faith in him.

"Vakarian, you are the cockiest son of a bitch I've ever had the misfortune to know. You, me, shuttle bay and I'll show you fragile after this mission." Shepard challenged.

"You are so going down. Besides, that's why you love me, Shepard. Without me, your ass would be toast. "

"Yeah well, Miranda's latex clad ass will be the one that's toasty when I'm through with her. Wait here, I'll get her." Shepard's impatience had finally won out and she quickly opened the airlock to the interior of the ship.

Despite her teasing with Garrus, she was still feeling grumpy and annoyed. Her hair had been impossible to secure back in the 'morning' of this sleep cycle, little bits falling out her ponytail. She had been forced to leave it loose, and impossibly messy. When she'd told Miranda earlier she was to come to Purgatory as part of the ground team, Shepard hadn't missed her eyes lingering on the unflattering cut and smirk of derision. Shepard desperately hoped she could get to punch someone today, her previous bleak mood giving way to a nice burning anger.

Shepard stormed into her office, expecting Miranda to be at her desk but it was empty, the lights on the console switched off. Her bed was immaculate and every surface gleaming. Shepard thought of her own messy cabin and dirty clothes strewn around.

_'What a perfectionist bitch.'_

A little something, that felt unsettlingly similar to envy, curled in her stomach.

"EDI?" She called.

"Yes, Shepard?" EDI replied, her voice seeming to come from everywhere and nowhere at once.

"Where is Miranda? She's late." Shepard fairly snapped. Now was not the time to play nice with the AI.

"I believe she is in conference with the Illusive Man in the briefing room. It is a private call."

"The hell it is. She's holding up _my_ mission." Shepard knew part of her anxiety was the desire to get this over with and back in Citadel space. Still, she had never allowed anyone under her command to act like a diva and get away with it.

With a huff she turned and stormed across the mess into the elevator. Without caring, she barged through Mordin's lab, startling him slightly but she hesitated before entering the briefing room. Miranda was apparently absorbed in her call and Shepard suddenly wanted to see what was so important she was holding everyone else up.

"- Are you sure he'll be ok? Maybe I should head Project Changeling. The new lead must keep up the scans for glioblastomas, the nodules were fine but it can change with growth... and he has that allergy to milk and the cloned stuff must be culti-"

"Miranda. I know what I'm doing. Don't be ridiculous. You are vitally important to Shepard's mission. The Collectors come first." The Illusive Man sounded as oily as ever, but Shepard was intrigued to find he almost seemed...snippy as well.

"Rest assured I'm promoting someone capable to lead. This fretting is unprofessional and I don't want to hear it again. I'm doing you a favor even giving you updates as a professional courtesy." The Illusive Man was definitely annoyed with Miranda, it seemed; his tone was curt and dismissive.

"I know, sir. You'll do what's best. I'm sorry. It's just...It's important to me. I've been there since the project's birth and I had hoped to follow through. Mistakes have been made in the past." Miranda was almost...pleading? Shepard had never heard her sound anything but completely in control, this was an interesting development. She filed this away under her mental drawer named 'Miranda's weaknesses'. It was far too scant for Shepard's comfort.

"We all do our parts for the betterment of humanity. You should never have gotten attached. It still may be liquidated if there are no discernible results. Chandana is actually interested to study the effects of Indoctrination; we have no data at that stage of development in a human being. It is possible her remarkable resistance to it has been genetically passed on." Shepard heard Miranda give a small gasp of surprise, or maybe horror.

"Wipe that look off your face, Miranda. This was an experiment, an interesting offshoot. Sometimes they don't pan out. You're a scientist - logic and reason are your bread and butter. Results can be gathered even from corpses. You know that." The Illusive Man was cold. Despite not having a clue what they were talking about, Shepard felt a swoop of fear in her stomach. Cerberus obviously still had the ethical integrity of a Nazi doctor.

"Now, if that is all. EDI tells me Shepard is anxiously waiting outside for you. By all means, don't keep her waiting." With a small beep, he hung up. '_Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain'._ He didn't even acknowledge Shepard's attempt to spy on him.

Shepard jumped guiltily despite herself. Of course the AI was obliged to spy on her. Miranda for her part whirled around, and stepped off the QEC base. If there was any sign she was distressed on her pretty heart-shaped face, Shepard couldn't detect it.

"Shepard. Sorry to keep you waiting, I lost track of time." Miranda moved out of the briefing room, joining Shepard in the hallway.

"That seemed a pretty tense discussion. I'm surprised you'd want to leave the _Normandy_. What project did you think was important enough to head?" Shepard asked, unable to resist pumping Miranda for information. Maybe when she joined back up with the Alliance, the Intel could be put to good use.

"It's nothing. I just had some personal stakes in it at one stage. But he's right; my full focus should be on this mission. My apologies, it won't happen again." Miranda began moving down the hall, intent to move on and brush aside Shepard's questions.

"You sure this other project won't get in the way? It sounds unethical." Shepard jogged a little to keep up with the taller woman's strides as they moved past Mordin again, his curious protuberant eyes studying them as they passed his domain. He was probably worried they'd start a knock down fight and disturb his experiments on the Collectors' seeker swarm venom. Shepard had no intention of losing her temper, having learned the best way to deal with Miranda was to stay calm and controlled.

'_God, I wished I'd paid a bit more attention to the way Kaidan could deflect an argument and shrug things off.'_

He always said she took things too personally, and he'd always laughed at the way her face would flush red – some small grievance setting her off. On Intai'sei, one lazy night they had just lain on the couch together, comfortably silent and exhausted from the day's activities. She'd been stretched out the length of the couch, her head lying in his lap. Kaidan had been threading his fingers through her hair again and again, the action soothing and almost sending her to sleep. But a propaganda vid by some batarians had come on the television. It was the typical arguments for slavery and racism against humanity. Predictably she'd watched it despite saying she was going to change the channel, and every second getting grumpier and moodier. Her relaxed disposition was ruined. He'd noticed with a frown, and wrestled the remote off her. He'd bent over awkwardly, her head still in his lap to kiss her upside down on the tip of her nose. She'd laughed herself silly at him, the flush in her cheeks now from embarrassed happiness rather than anger. Shepard wished he were here now; Miranda wouldn't be able to rile him up as easily as herself.

Shepard hated to think that while she was here, using their ship like blood money, Cerberus was torturing some other poor fool to make all the wonderful technological advances happen. Did her new L5X implants come from Cerberus tech? Was she a person benefitting from the misery of someone like Kaidan? They might be suffering every day with experimental brain implants, all to just give her a stupid _uncontrollable _power boost.

"So, what's the cell doing? Torturing some poor old man or something? Seems like Cerberus' style." Shepard bitterly commented, not caring they were in the CIC, which was chock full of Cerberus loyalists. She was remembering the times Kaidan had been curled against the toilet bowl, lights off and retching from a migraine - the times she'd been unable to do anything but rub his temples and feel utterly powerless.

Miranda pivoted on her black high heels, making them squeak on the smooth floor. She unexpectedly entered Shepard's personal space and she was taken aback by the sudden vehemence in the Cerberus Officer's voice.

"No! Of course they won't torture him! God, we aren't monsters. He's important. That won't happen. Despite what you think, the Illusive Man is a- "

"A what? A 'good man'? That what you were gonna say? Because I think you know as well as I do, he's not." Shepard interrupted her, unwilling to let Miranda tell blatant falsehoods right to her face.

"He does great things. He is a great man. They won't torture him, it's all ethical. We were doing him a favor; he'd be dead without me." To Shepard, despite Miranda's affected bravado, she sounded unsure.

"It won't happen if we stop it; we could go save him or put him out of his misery if it comes to it. What your 'rogue cell' did to Admiral Kahoku wasn't exactly merciful." Shepard still remembered the needle tracks up and down his arms, and his deathly visage twisted in agony. She remembered the image of her own artificially grown skin, pale and stark with healing scars in the bathroom's fluorescent lights flashed through her mind. They were monsters, little Frankensteins for cruel scientists to prod and poke.

_'They might have been able to save me, but that doesn't mean they should have. Man never did know when to stop playing god. It wasn't my choice, this was my body. My heart and soul they messed with. All that I am – reduced to just a chemical imprint in my brain.'_

"Shepard, no. Just…just leave it, alright?" Miranda cut into her depressing train of thought. "I don't even know where the new cell is located. Since I took him there months ago the initial facility has moved. Cells change leaders and locations for security, prevents Alliance infiltration."

"What about EDI, she'd have access to the information...EDI?" She called out to the ever-present AI.

"I have a block that prevents me from answering that question." EDI intoned.

"Of course you do. Why'd I even bother?" Shepard griped.

"Organics have an inherent flaw in reasoning patterns that compels them to attempt tasks where there is a low probability of success. I believe it is evolved neurological flaw. Evolution does not always provide beneficial traits." EDI was almost chirping, clearly pleased to spew what she thought was vital information at Shepard.

"That was a rhetorical question." Shepard didn't care if she was being rude.

"_Oh._ Logging you out, Shepard." EDI almost seemed...hurt by the dismissal.

_'Ugh, now I've got to watch the AI's feelings. Oh for the days of a military ship without a brain…' _Despite her slightly uncharitable thoughts, Shepard felt a twinge of guilt.

"Shepard, please. I'm telling you: there's nothing you can do. Trust me on this one; it's better to just be forgotten." Shepard looked at Miranda's face fully, her baby blue eyes so much brighter than Shepard's own, and saw sincerity there. She wasn't being deliberately malicious, whatever her intentions.

"Alright, Miranda. For now." She sighed.

"Let's go get Jack."

Shepard took the lead this time, ignoring the curious stares of the crew as she walked, and made it to the airlock, still annoyed at all the time wasted. It took Shepard time to psych up for a mission and Miranda had broken her concentration.

When they got to Garrus, he shrugged his shoulders at her, in apparent question of what took Shepard so long.

She silently mouthed '_Later_', at him in warning that she didn't want to go over it again right now and waste more time.

They had a dangerous criminal to pick up.

* * *

Warden Kuril was a backstabbing son of a bitch, and Shepard could not _believe_ she had walked right into this one. The moment the guards had demanded she release her weapons she should have known it would all go to shit. She had told the only thing she would be relinquishing was one bullet and not the way they wanted it, her threat clear. They were not being disarmed. Shepard supposed she should thank small favors that duplicitous Warden was dumber than he looked and hadn't forced the issue.

As she cursed her naiveté from her perch against a metal bench, Blue Suns continually fired on her; Garrus was drawing the heat though. He was displaying his pure pleasure at keeping his rifle by blowing robotic heads off mechs and turians alike by the minute.

"Just like old times, Shepard! See, this is why I like you so much!" Garrus called over to her, flattening himself against a wall. He was seemingly amused by the put-out expression etched into her face.

Sparks from stray rounds and exposed wiring danced around her head and the metal walls rang with the sound of impacted bullets.

_'Scaly krogan balls! This is so FUBAR. Only I could walk onto a station and have it fall apart around me in less than a minute.'_ Shepard was seriously considering making it a personal rule to avoid space stations. It never worked out well.

Across from her Garrus popped a thermal sink, while she leaned out of cover and sent a spiralling Singularity into the middle of hostiles. The gravity well had them floating lazily for Garrus to pick off. Her implant burned and she had to resist clamping her hands against it.

'_Ok, maybe go easy with the black holes there, Shep._'

"Vakarian, I'd rather our '_old times' _be like the occasion you got drunk off two frilly margaritas and Alenko snapped that priceless pic of you sexually harassing the krogan statue. Not bloody dodging bullets, you crazy turian bastard!" She almost screamed back at the sniper, and despite her contrary words, it was exhilarating. Her blood hummed, and dark energy curled about her fist begging for her to let go and run wild like Jack.

Jack was like nothing she'd ever seen before from a biotic. Kaidan would be horrified; he probably wouldn't be able to decide which part was more offensive: the utter lack of restraint or the fact that it looked like she'd been mistreated and abused for being biotically exceptional all of her life.

Jack was rampaging and they were just following the destruction left in her wake. Shepard almost admired her raw talent for fucking things up. Almost.

"Miranda, come on! We need to push further in, Throw that mech out of the way with me." Miranda had been taking cover further back, her omnitool Overloading target's shields for Shepard to Pull from cover. Once exposed to Garrus they were easy prey. Now she moved up with a "Yes, Shepard," and together the two women moved a force much heavier than should be possible with a well-aimed mnemonic.

They worked really well together, Miranda's Warp better than her own. It was all to Shepard's slight disgust.

Eventually they came across where Kuril had holed up, the dead bodies of prisoners, mercs and guards composing a perfect bloody path. He'd clearly started executing any free prisoners he'd come across, violent or not. Shepard had seen women shot dead back there, no armor, some old, unarmed and obviously not a threat.

'_What sort of prison was this?'_

Whatever Jack had done, Shepard was glad to be taking her off here.

"Shepard, I could have sold you and lived like a king. My shields are impenetrable. You can still surrender! Help me recapture the girl and you're free to go." Kurril bluffed, his barrier pylons a poor security blanket.

"Oh Kuril. You are so screwed. I don't work with dirty slavers." Shepard didn't even bother negotiating; this station was going down in flames with or without her.

"I do what is necessary! You are the same! Don't pretend otherwise, you insult yourself!" Kuril screamed back at her.

Mercs poured in from the adjacent doors and coherent thought faded from Shepard's consciousness. She wasn't a human anymore, she was a biotic machine. A machine who couldn't feel pain, couldn't feel her implant burning the base of her skull, hair singed and smelly.

Miranda would fire her Warps and Shepard would Throw them, the biotics violently reacting. Garrus hung back, sniping what he could get to and working on taking down the shields. A merc rushed her foolishly, judging her to be the weak one of the group, her smaller frame deceptively innocent. She dodged sideways and he fell past her, with a raised arm he went flying to crash into a wall thirty feet up. He fell and did not move again. Pulling out her pistol and injecting a fresh clip, she fell behind some crates scoping out the situation. Kuril was on higher ground but he was trapped like a rat, they were between him and any doors. Shepard needed to move closer; with Garrus working on the shields, she might be able to get close enough to take him out.

Her best talent had always been her personal Barriers. It was something she desperately wanted back; all the ones she had tried since resurrection were shadows of her old L3 ones. Nonetheless, she threw one over herself, it was better than before but not by much. A pain spiked to an unbearable pitch on the back of her neck but the way the bullets bounced on impact was worth it. Pain was better than dead and caution would have them all burning to death in here. She ran to the nearest pylon, grabbing dark energy in her hands and jamming it in. It exploded and Garrus whooped happily. Miranda, obviously taking a cue from her example, sent a Warp into the next one. Kuril's shield spluttered and died with a mechanical gurgle.

When Garrus finally landed a bullet in that bare-faced turian's skull, Shepard couldn't help a feral grin. Sweat poured down her face, mingling with the dirt and smoke stinging her eyes. Her heart sung in pleasure at the carnage, but her brain was just coming back to itself. Her hands were coated in blood from where she'd punched, with the strength of biotics, through a mercs helmet. She thought her knuckles might be bleeding under her gloves, the pain a pleasant sting.

She stood there for a minute, surrounded by bodies, hands on her knees and gulped great lungfuls of tainted air. Shepard tried to tell herself she was still a good person, she didn't enjoy killing.

She _was_ someone people like Kaidan and Anderson found good in.

'_When you hop into bed with the devil's dog, it's hard to get back up again with your integrity intact._'

Shepard stood straight, unwilling to examine it further. They had a job to do and she was doing it.

Now all that was left was to find Jack.

* * *

Jack almost ran right into them. Her escape to the docking bay was an easy place to predict she'd go.

The guard trying to stop her died a violent death as he was slammed against a window.

Jack whirled, looking for more targets and saw only Shepard.

"Nice haircut, bitch. What's the matter; lose a fight with a hacksaw?"

"Cute. You're one to talk."

"What do you want? I'm not going anywhere with Cerberus."

"Good thing I'm not Cerberus."

In hindsight having the Cerberus loyalist with her was not the best idea, nor the giant Cerberus logo slapped on the ship but the promises of freedom and of access to Cerberus files mollified the biotic enough to get her on board.

On board, waiting for decontamination, Shepard set the rules:

"While you're on this ship, your criminal past stays in the past or you and I are going to have major problems. What was done to you was wrong. What Cerberus did was wrong and you can't help that. I promise you: you help me take down the monsters hurting innocent kids, innocent people on those colonies? I will make the ones who tortured you pay."

"You will? Why, what's in it for you?" Jack was suspicious, startled at Shepard speaking so plainly.

"Nothing, except for your help. You'll have a roof over your head and food to eat. Can't being easy getting by on a biotic diet as an outlaw." Shepard eyed Jack's bare, lean frame. She was a sleek whippet, all speed and urgency but couple of missed meals and that leanness would turn gaunt and sickly.

Shepard knew what it was like, that ravenous hunger from being far under the essential calorie count for biotics. Even in the Alliance it was difficult unless the Mess Sergeant was informed, often just thinking she was greedy. The stigma of speaking up and identifying herself as a biotic had sometimes made her go hungry. It was another wonderful thing about being with Kaidan both on the Normandy and their time in her apartment. He would always think of her, bringing her snacks and generally they both made huge pigs of themselves, the terrible self-consciousness at eating so much gone.

"You'll get your information and I'll make sure you're taken care of and in turn you help me. Deal?" Shepard said.

"Man. What are you? My mom? You're such a pussy…but deal." Jack stormed ahead, eager to check out the ship and throwing the last word over her shoulder.

And later, once the briefing was finished she hoarded her datapads like buried treasure and retreated below deck.

Shepard made note to check on her later, but at the moment her neck felt like it was on fire. She lifted a shaky hand gingerly to prod the skin there, it was red and raised.

"Shepard, that looks bad. You better get it checked out with Chakwas or Mordin" Garrus had snuck up behind her, his much taller frame allowing perfect view down the collar of her armor.

"Don't worry; we'll take a raincheck on that match in the shuttle bay. Go take care of yourself." He jerked his head towards the elevator and she was so tired she couldn't do much to argue.

Chakwas fussed, tutting at the skin while applying medi-gel and protective gauze.

"Commander, I just don't know what to do with you." Chakwas' sounded like an exasperated mother, bandaging her child's knee.

"C'mon doc, not my fault this time. It's this damn faulty implant. Can you do anything for it? It keeps shorting out or something." Shepard complained.

"I wouldn't know where to begin without access to Lazarus files. Your implant model is secret and experimental. You don't think they'd give the recently-Alliance doctor access, do you? They still think I'll half run back to them. Besides they know I'm loyal to you, not their supremacist agenda." Chakwas was lofty, Ceberus' distrust seeming to please her.

"Why don't you though?"

"Pardon me?"

"Return to the Alliance, I mean? God knows, I'd rather work with them. Wouldn't you?" Shepard said as Chakwas finished applying the gauze.

"I work for you, Shepard. I belong on the Normandy. You're special to me. It was…difficult when you died two years ago. You never do get used to losing soldiers you've grown to care for, ones with their whole life ahead of them, a future. Some things haunt you." Chakwas' sea foam green eyes were clouded, lost in the memory of funerals and empty caskets. Shepard felt a start of guilt for not coming to see her sooner; Chakwas had been almost a mother figure to her on the SR1.

"Doctor…"

"Oh please, don't feel bad! I'm just glad you're here now. And I'll do my best to watch out for you. Despite Cerberus' past they are doing something about the Collectors, they brought you back. Just consider that."

Shepard didn't know if she could.


	5. Ash in Flux

Shepard awoke early, her sleep fractious and troubled. She dreamt of the color red and vomiting, screams of husks, and the slice of a scalpel.

Her awakening was a gasped struggle, a longed-for breath into reality. She hated dreaming like that, echoes of the Prothean beacon making them particularly vivid. She was always glad to finally wake up, terrified that what she dreamt of was her actual life. Even when reality wasn't exactly pleasant, at least it was real and controllable.

She lurched out of bed, still half asleep and almost tripped tangled in the covers. She quickly made her way to the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face with shaking hands, shocking herself. Once she sorted out what was real and what was not, she realized what was happening today.

Butterflies swirled in her belly, excited anticipation thrilled through her– this was it. Finally she had arranged to meet Anderson, Miranda deeming they had made enough progress on the dossiers. The Illusive Man, ever scheming, had even managed to coordinate the visit to pick up another squad member; Kasumi, a professional thief. Shepard scowled, beginning to strip her clothes off for a shower, one leg bent crookedly in the middle of removing her pyjama bottoms. It was his little way of saying 'I'm only allowing you to go to the Citadel because it's in _my_ best interests, not yours._ I_ run this little sideshow.'

"Yeah well. Fuck you, Illusive Man. I do what I want," Shepard mumbled, roughly finishing pulling off her bottoms and grey tank top.

'_What was next? A professional murderer, how about a nice batarian slaver? Gee whiz, that was always the type of person I wanted at my back,' s_he thought as she blasted the shower spray as high and as hot it could go and stepped under. It hurt, her skin reddening and stinging. She half hoped it would wash away a layer of skin, to reveal her old one. The scars, the beauty marks and freckles on her face. God, she hoped Kaidan wouldn't freak. She'd spent hours lying next to him, eyes and fingers tracing the freckles along his eyebrow, how they quirked when he spoke. His worried forehead lines, the tiny strands of grey at his temple that he swore weren't there, that she was messing with him. Shepard tried to imagine what she would feel like if someone took him away from her for two years and erased those things. It didn't feel good. The butterflies transformed into marauding Reapers in her stomach. '_Vanguard of your imminent hurling._'

The need to be clean, and burn this 'new Shepard' away was powerful. She scrubbed her face hard, ridding it of grime.

'_I am a space marine. I am badass. Now drag yourself out of this shower and pull your big girl panties on_.' She finished shampooing her hair and stepped out, avoiding the mirror and wrapping a towel around herself. She crossed to the main room and to her closet, eyeing her armor hanging up. Although she fervently wished she could pull it on, a protective layer against words rather than bullets, it was still covered in blood and dust from Purgatory. She wanted to give off a less 'unhinged rogue former Spectre working for terrorist human supremacists' impression. Maybe normal clothes were the way to go. The black Cerberus formal suit looked ok, save for the ugly logo. Grabbing the sewing kit meant for suturing large wounds from the first aid station on the wall in the bathroom, Shepard got to work. She ripped off the patch, and used a strip of fabric off a sleeve from another Cerberus jacket to patch the hole. It was rough and wouldn't pass inspection in an asari fashion store but she felt damn proud.

'_Ha! Never let it be said I'm not domestic when I wanna be!_' Quickly she pulled on the new outfit and examined the effect in the bathroom mirror. Her face looked blotchy and dry, her hair hopeless and despite the now respectable outfit she still thought she resembled a drunken vorcha. For whatever reason, (clearly Miranda had failed in knowing _everything_ about her) there was a makeup set in the vanity's draw. Shepard picked it up like one would a live grenade and set it out on the sink, considering. She had only voluntarily worn makeup once in her life. And it hadn't been bad at all.

* * *

"Skipper! You act like you've never worn mascara before." Ash laughed. The two women were in the small unisex bathroom on the SR1, a momentary lull in assignments allowing the crew a two day leave on the Citadel. The Normandy needed restocking and refuelling anyway and the crew deserved a short break for morale. Somehow Ash had talked them into going clubbing at Flux, and Shepard had only been convinced by a combination of Ash's pleading expression, cabin fever, a craving for margaritas, aspersions cast on her dancing skills and the sly hinting that a certain LT would be there later.

"I haven't actually, Ash. What the hell? It's a tiny stupid brush! Ugh, this is impossible." Shepard threw the brush down in a mini temper, her eye smudged like a racoon from her repeated attempts. Ash had insisted they get ready together, Shepard had thought that consisted of brushing their hair maybe but Ash had shoved a makeup pack at her and told her to use whatever she wanted. Shepard had watched her deftly apply her own makeup until the already pretty woman looked positively glamorous. Her dark eyes coated in some golden stuff sparkling and her lips a glossy pink. Shepard had wanted to look half as nice, but it looked like her girly skills were just as sophisticated as her tech. In short, they sucked ass.

"Here Skipper, let me help. Ha, you look ridiculous." Ash turned and wet a tissue under the tap, gently wiping the poor makeup attempt from her face. Shepard tried to stay still, her close proximity making her nervous...but also strangely happy. She'd never really had a close female friend to do stuff like this with before. It was nice.

"Ok now pay attention. Firstly, you already have lovely long dark eyelashes so we're only going to put a little bit of mascara on, ok?" Long gentle strokes applied the makeup and Shepard tried not to blink.

"You don't wanna look like a dancer from Chora's Den. The trick is to amplify your assets. You either emphasise your eyes or lips. You have really nice shade of eye color but we're going to be a bit adventurous tonight and go for the lips. Go hard or go home; we're marines, baby." Ash kept talking as she went, smoothing lipstick on her lips now, the cool sensation and her pleasant voice soothing. She watched Ash's face, it was as concentrated as when she was firing her rifle. Shepard's lips quirked in a smile and Ash scolded her into arranging her face neutral again.

"There, done! Ooh we are going to have so much fun, Skipper! I'll teach you how to play the quasars." Ash turned her around to the mirror. The results were surprising. Her eyes looked large and impossibly blue, the makeup opening them up. Her lipstick was shock red, but not overwhelming and went well with her dark hair that fell in slight waves to her shoulders. The other subtly done makeup kept it tasteful and she actually wouldn't be embarrassed to walk around like this. In fact, she almost felt beautiful. Of course, in contrast to the Gunnery Chief, she was nothing special. Her own lips were thin and small but with the lipstick they were shapely too, a delicate pout like a china doll.

"Chief, you are a woman of many talents. I never would have thought you'd be into this stuff!" Shepard turned back to Ash feeling a sudden wave of affection wash over her.

"Ma'am, just because I like to get down and dirty and my favorite fashion accessory is my boomstick, doesn't mean I don't like to let my hair down on leave. Three sisters, y'know? You learn things." Ash packed up her supplies, stowing the small bag away again.

"Although, I really should apologize to LT." The solider moved to the exit, straightening her leather jacket and flicking her long hair over her shoulder.

"Alenko? Why?"

"Oh no reason. Just he already has enough trouble keeping his foot out of his mouth when you're around. Poor guy, he'll probably propose marriage when he gets a look at you." Ash winked at her cheekily and disappeared out of the door. Shepard couldn't help the pleased blush that crept across her cheeks, and followed her out.

Flux was packed with soldiers and Shepard was already regretting the decision to dress nicely. Her small, sensible high heels with her black jeans look great but were only good if she wasn't moving. She'd kill at this point for her combat boots. Her feet ached but to her surprise she and Ash were actually having fun. The younger woman could dance better than an asari and with more verve. She even dragged Shepard onto the floor to shuffle with Doran. Shepard was, of course, terrible. But she couldn't help laughing like a loon, and beaming smile was stretching across her face as Ash mock dirty danced with Doran, the volus huffing and puffing. The shots she'd done with Ash hummed pleasantly in her blood stream loosening her usual caution and propriety.

That was when she finally glanced over and noticed he was watching her. He was dressed in a casual blue shirt, leather jacket and dark trousers. Not exactly in fashion or trendy like the others in the bar but it looked amazing on him.

It was like time had stopped when their eyes met across the room.

She was still half laughing at Ash, eyes alive and sparkling and she saw him take it in with a shy smile, maybe embarrassed at being caught checking her out. He'd never seen her in anything remotely civilian before. Shepard suddenly worried that she looked cheap - the makeup, the dark, clinging top emphasizing her curves a little too much and the dark jeans too tight.

Why had she let Ash talk her into this? She looked stupid.

"Hey look is that Kaidan? Let's go say hi, Skipper!" Ash was obnoxious, enthusiastic and loud.

"Ash, wait no-I!" Ash apparently too drunk to care, grabbed her hand and pulled her off the dance floor over to where he was standing.

"Hey LT! Glad you made it, I thought you were gonna pike out on us and be a stick in the mud." Ash apparently without shame, leaned over and planted a kiss on his cheek. Shepard wished she had the excuse of being both bold and drunk to do the same. She wondered if his skin was stubbly or smooth, how it would feel against hers.

"Hey, Chief. Thought I'd check on the crew, make sure my marines are behaving themselves. Blow off some steam, too. Plus really, Chakwas told me to come threaten you all that she would not be giving any pain relief and I quote 'to those stupid enough to get themselves into such a sorry state'." He was speaking to Ash but his eyes kept flickering to her face, staring at her red lips.

"Pfft. Chakwas is such worry wart! I'm going to go get more cheap drinks off Doran, c'mon Skipper! And you too LT!" Ash sashayed off, her drunken weave jaunty. The volus in the background was apparently thrilled to have his dance partner back. Shepard laughed, pleased to see Williams hostility to aliens fading. Well, at least with the vigorous application of alcohol.

"Hi Commander." Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, apparently embarrassed to be left alone with her.

"Hey LT. Don't mind Ash. We've been uh, drinking a little and dancing." She leaned in, mock whispering. "Shhh don't tell anyone, but I'm _really_ bad."

He laughed that deep laugh she loved and leaned in conspiratorially too. "Don't worry Shepard, your secret's safe with me."

She punched his arm, in fake offence and her tipsy brain absently noticed she was a little taller in these shoes. Usually he towered over her, but now he was only a half a head taller.

He continued, his brown eyes warm. "You look...um beau-...nice by the way."

Shepard's heart flip-flopped. '_**Nice**__? Was that bad? I don't want to look like a grandma!_'

"Ah...thanks. I think. You look...nice too." They stood there awkwardly, both now unable to meet each other's eyes. An embarrassed silence was broken by a drunken patron bumping into Kaidan, the press of bodies surrounding them like an undulating wave.

"You wanna grab a drink and have a seat, Commander?" Kaidan cleared his throat, his tone hopeful.

Shepard nodded her assent over the pounding beat of the music, glad to get off her feet and cool her suddenly dry throat with a drink. Or, if he kept smouldering at her like that, maybe several.

Jenna, who had made it her personal mission to make sure Shepard got her drinks quickly, insisted on bringing their drinks over from the bar and seating them in the comfy couch section. The rest of the crew had been ensconced here all night, ryncol bottles evidence of Wrex's liberal interpretation of the term 'light drinking'. They were forced to sit closer than normal, Garrus' and Wrex's bulk on the seats squishing them. She could feel the warmth of his thigh against her, the beat of the music deep in her core and her senses suddenly hyper-aware of his every breath. He smelt wonderful, like clean soap and a slight musky aftershave. Subtle and so very Kaidan.

Shepard lunged for her pink margarita and drank deeply, extremely glad for something to busy her hands with. Somehow it devolved into a drinking contest with Garrus that she won. She was well and truly drunk after a few hours. Apparently a drunk Shepard liked to yell at Garrus that he wasn't man enough to take her and challenge him to a wrestling match. Kaidan laughed at her and gently prised her away from the poor insensate turian. At first she thought when they touched she had imagined the little electric spark between them. That it was just her eager mind playing tricks but when his hand touched her elbow there was another little one. Their biotics were discharging against one another, fields colliding.

'Why was that so hot?' Oh god, she was so going to be thrown in the brig.

'Do not throw your Staff Lieutenant on the ground and have your wicked way with him, Shep. You may be drunk. But you are still a drunk Commander.'

With difficulty she buried her reaction to his touch and focused on what he was saying. His lips moved enticingly, her whole world was suddenly consumed with wondering where the small scars at his lips had come from.

'Bad Shep! Very bad!'

"C'mon Shepard. Let's get you back to the ship. Wrex will take care of Garrus. I hope." He hauled her upright, both half leaning on each other for support and headed for the exit. She was enjoying the way his arm draped across her back way too much. Drunk Shepard yelled at her brain to shut up and just roll with it.

"Wait, wait. I can't leave Ash, Kaidan. You don't get it. She's my friend ok? She's my friend. She's the first real friend I've had, y'know." Shepard slurred, rambling to him.

"I don't believe that, Shepard. Who wouldn't want to be friends with you?" He looked genuinely surprised, not just acting to make her feel better. They walked down the corridor from Flux, other drunken patrons vomiting their guts up. A asari couple kissed passionately in a alcove.

"Well Anderson is, but he doesn't count. He's like a cranky space dad who tells me when I'm being an asshole. And you're not because...well just because. But Ash! She's cool, Kaidan." Shepard was very insistent Kaidan realize how cool Ash was, grabbing the labels of his jacket and leaning too far in. This was a very bad idea, the close proximity driving her crazy with sexy, no-good, rotten ideas.

Stupid sexy Kaidan. Why'd he have to serve under her? Or why was he doing it not it the way she'd like!?

"I know Ash is cool." He was laughing again at her. "But I'm pretty sure Ash went home an hour ago with that Lieutenant from the SSV_ Cairo_."

"Oh yeah. That was the hot one with the weird natural blonde hair, right? Ash is such a pro."

"I wouldn't know, ma'am." He sounded suddenly annoyed and formal. She belatedly realized who she was speaking to and with a sick thrill realized he was actually jealous at her praise.

"Oh come on, I'm just teasing. I prefer them tall, dark and handsome myself." Carefully they navigated the wards, heading for a transport station, in no fit shape to tramp back to the _Normandy_ on foot.

Her perked at that. "You do?"

"Oh yeah. I'm totally a sucker for brown eyes and sorta curly hair." She winked in what she thought was a conspiratorial fashion but really looked pretty stupid.

Somehow he ignored how ridiculous she looked and grinned, ducking his head from her view. They were both stupid drunk dorks. She liked seeing him smile, the alcohol having made it easier for him. It was her own little game, her reward the crinkles at his eyes and one she'd never tire of.

"Shepard." They boarded the transport together crowded in close again by a pack of turians. His side was warm in the cold Ward's air.

"About...before. I was too embarrassed to say so but now I'm drunk and well I really hope I don't remember this in the morning so I don't try to drown myself in the showers...but you looked beautiful tonight. Not just nice. And not that you don't always. It's just...I saw you there on that dance floor smiling like that and I thought you were the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." He said it all in a rush, slurring a little but coherent and unbearably sweet.

"Oh god. I've just gone and got myself demoted haven't I. I'm-I'm sorry Commander, I'm being completely inappropriate and I'll never-"

She grabbed his hand, holding it tight. "LT, that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. And if you don't shut up we are going to have big problems making it back to the Normandy, if you get my meaning. " She stoked his hand, the small contact doing little to her desire not to jump him here and now in front of the turians arguing over who was the greatest general in history.

"Ah right you are, Shepard. I'll be quiet." They sat there the whole ride back to C-SEC Headquarters, and she didn't let go of his hand until they boarded the elevator.

Inside the Normandy, clarity and sobriety started returning. The familiar workspace did wonders to restore a healthy professional distance, Pressly nodding a goodnight as they passed the CIC. Shepard was embarrassed, this wasn't like her. She mumbled a goodbye and escaped to her cabin leaving him forlorn and slightly drunk in the mess.

The only pleasure she could take was in Ash's very hungover expression the next morning.

* * *

Shepard snapped out of her reverie, her longing and guilt for Ash painful. She would know how to handle this, she'd always been better at tackling an issue head on than Shepard. Not to mention she could probably turn Shepard's haggard face into something actually presentable.

Shepard unscrewed the cap of the mascara. If Ash could be brave enough to face death with no regrets, Shepard could be brave too.

The butterfly-Reaper hybrids gave a last flutter in her stomach and died.


	6. The Citadel

Shepard stood in the cockpit, in her new outfit. Her rough haircut immaculately combed, dark waves tamed. Her face looked much better, not actually attractive but less like a vorcha and more a tired, disgraced Commander.

She could live with that.

As Joker brought the ship into the Citadel, she studied the wards arms searching for signs of damage like she remembered. When Shepard and Kaidan had reported back from leave on Intai'sei, it had been sombre. People rushed around, nervously skirting wreckage. Their faces were drawn and ashen, their airy illusion of safety shattered. C-SEC had been decimated, Saren and the geth wiping out scores of officers in their raid. Their policing force was stretched thin, small crime suddenly booming. She was almost glad to leave on the Normandy on that ill-fated geth hunting mission. The Citadel was not a pleasant place to be. She was eager to see how it had fared.

The docking bay officer gave Joker clearance to land and Shepard was surprised, unfolding her arms from where they had been tightly crossed against her chest. She leaned onto Joker's chair as he started the powering down sequence, swiping orange holographic displays quicker than she could follow.

"They gave us clearance? That easy? Shit, does no one care we're running around in a terrorist vessel these days!?"

"Yeah, well. Our dear friend Mr. Illusive probably has them in his pocket or something. You'd be surprised what some nice creds will buy." Joker said, seemingly chastising her naiveté.

"I know that, _Jeff_. Thank you." She said sarcastically. "I just don't think this is the sorta thing that should be bought off. It's dangerous. Who knows what we could have onboard."

"Dangerous is our style now, baby! Woo, leather seats and red sand for everyone!" Shepard raised her eyebrow menacingly at him, not appreciating his flippancy.

"Err I mean, yes Commander. I don't know what you want me to do though. Cerberus is shady as hell, but they sure do cut some bureaucratic crap."

"Just bring us in, Joker." She turned to wait by the airlock but he called back to her.

"Shepard! Do you want me to come with?"

"Come with me? Why?" She shrugged.

"Oh you know. Moral support and all. This is the heart of the place where all those assholes dragged you down after you died. You won't find many friends, and the ones you do find might not be how you remember." Joker warned. Shepard bristled at his suggestion. She knew what she was doing.

"Joker. I'm fine. They'll be fine, too. If you're obliquely hinting about Kaidan and Anderson, you're worrying for nothing. They're the last people in the world to let me down when I need them. Just stop wigging out on me, ok?" Shepard smiled, trying to show him that she could handle it. She didn't need him worrying about her.

"Aye, aye Commander. I'll be here then, keeping the old...well new girl warm for you." He patted the dash of the flight controls.

"Thanks, Joker."

Shepard took a deep breath, praying to Ash to keep the butterflies away just for a little while longer and stepped out the airlock.

She'd never been to Zakera Ward, the sights, sounds and bright lights overwhelming after the relative dank dullness of Omega and the small crew of the Normandy.

Security had tightened, the C-SEC outpost screening everyone coming in. She hadn't even armed herself, her biotics security enough for any potential trouble.

The new C-SEC scanner was apparently unimpressed by her 'dead' status though, the turian security officer apologetic at holding her up.

"I'm not a zombie, ok? Do I look dead to you? Can't I just go in?"

"I'm sorry ma'am, you'll have to sort this out with Captain Bailey." He pointed her inside to a light haired man barking orders at a desk. He brought to Shepard's mind an old Irish beat cop from a vid, who drank far too much and was a hardass with a heart of gold.

It turned out to not be too far from the truth.

Shepard immediately liked Bailey aside from his policy on beating suspects. Shepard was a great believer in never hurting someone weaker than yourself if you could avoid it and even especially when they deserved it. You could tell the measure of a man by how they treated their inferiors and not their superiors. She saw it all the time in the Alliance, the kind men like Kaidan who took people like Ash and poor young Jenkins under his wing, doling out solid advice and support. Then there were men like the ones she had met when she was younger, sexist pigs, predators and plain bad leaders. She sensed Bailey wasn't a cruel man though, just frustrated with the system.

She followed his directions to the transport and a short ride later found herself standing on the sunny Presidium. It was funny; the last time she'd really stood on the Presidium had been when she had walked out of hospital with a broken arm, after Sovereign had been so kind as to land on her. Kaidan had been waiting, with a smile and promises to take her away from all this. If only it was so easy this time. She never thought she'd looked back on those hard days of worrying about Reapers fondly. It was almost innocent, the belief that everything would be fine. She had died only weeks later, nothing was ever _fine_.

"Shepard!" It was Anderson, dressed in formal clothes, walking across the Embassies foyer area. Unable to help herself, tears pricking her eyes at the sight of him, she started running across to him.

"Anderson! It's so great to see you." Not caring how it looked she threw her arms around his broader frame, hugging him tight. Anderson hugged her back his arms wrapping around her.

"I missed you, child. Don't ever disappear like that again." He whispered to her hair.

She felt squished in his arms, engulfed and she was suddenly a seventeen year old street rat and alone in the galaxy again. Anderson was the only one saying '_You can do this, I believe in you._'

Shepard disentangled herself from his arms, embarrassed and chastising herself for being caught up in flights of sentimentality. She wasn't alone and she wasn't his daughter. This wasn't appropriate to get so emotional.

"You ok, Shepard? You're looking a little rough. Is Cerberus treating you alright?" Anderson examined her face, but unlike Miranda's harsh judgement, Shepard only saw concern in Anderson's eyes.

"I'm ok, things are a little tough right now. But once I get the Alliance support –"

"Shepard, you do realise the Alliance can't and won't support you. Neither will the Council." His large face had new lines, a worried crease furrowed his brow.

"What?! How can't they? The Reapers are behind these abductions and –" Shepard began spluttering but he interrupted her tirade.

"It's pure hearsay and conjecture Shepard. Come into my office, we have a meeting scheduled with them. You can see for yourself." He led her through the crowded embassy to his office. Shepard had a sinking sensation in her stomach. This wasn't going at all like she wanted.

Talking to the Council was like beating her head against a brick wall. Their holograms lit up the already bright office. They were just as insufferable as usual.

"Ah, yes. 'Reapers.' The immortal race of sentient starships, allegedly waiting in dark space. We have dismissed that claim." The turian actually air-quoted her! Shepard saw red.

"You have got to be fucking with me! You idiots! A Reaper practically fell on top of you and you deny they exist?!" Shepard knew she was being too loud, all her diplomatic skills failing her. It was just after everything they went through, all Ash had died for, how could they deny it? It was like a knife to the back.

"I will shove my 'boot'-" she exaggerated air-quoted back at him, rolling her eyes. "-up your bony 'ass'!"

"Shepard, calm down. No one else saw the hologram on Ilos aside from your crew." Anderson interrupted her, attempting to soothe her but it made her angrier.

"And that's not enough?! I saved all your asses and this is how you treat me?"

"This Reaper fantasy just proves how fragile your mental state is. You have been manipulated by Cerberus and before that Saren into believing their delusions." The turian dripped condescension from every scaly pore.

"So you won't help combat whatever is taking those colonists?" Shepard's tone was flat, disbelief in their attitude shutting down something inside. She was beyond anger now.

"You are working for Cerberus, an avowed enemy of the Council. It is treason, a capital offense." The asari managed to make the threat seem polite but her meaning was clear.

"That's too far! How dare you threaten her! She's a damn hero, and I'm on this Council too. I won't stand here and let this whitewash continue!" She was grateful to Anderson for leaping to her defence. They wouldn't really execute her, would they?

She shifted uncomfortably before them, eyeing escape routes.

The asari apparently regretted her hasty words and suggested a compromise – Spectre status again in exchange for her absence and silence on the Citadel. The Council seemed eager to shove her off but pretend that they supported her all along in case she succeeded.

"If I didn't need this, I would tell you to shove it up your ass. But yes. I accept." Shepard was ungrateful but she needed it. Spectre status allowed her certain freedoms and privileges.

"Despite your bad attitude we hope for a quick resolution and a swift end to your relationship with Cerberus. Watch yourself Shepard, one step out of line and we will be forced to take action. We have done it before with Saren and we will do it again. Rogue Spectres are not beyond the reach of the Council." With that last parting shot from the asari their holograms winked out.

"Shepard..." Anderson groaned, turning to her.

"I know, I know. I shouldn't have lost it at them. At least I got my Spectre status back." Shepard said the last part with a fake winning grin. She was trying to forestall the coming lecture she knew he was dying to give.

"You're damn lucky you even got that. How many times have I told you? You've got to learn to control that temper of yours better." Anderson turned seating himself in the long couch near his desk. Shepard took a moment to admire his office, it was large and much cleaner than she had expected. But it looked sterile, a pretty prison. Anderson had never been afraid to get his hands dirty, and this office was an antithesis to his personality. Maybe she had changed him. Putting him in this position and then dying on him, leaving him alone to deal with something no one man should deal with. The Reapers were a nightmare.

"Sorry. It's just that those-" Shepard started to explain but the whoosh of the door cut her off.

"Anderson. We need to talk about...Shepard! What are you doing here?" It was Udina, as brash and uncompromising as always. She'd never gotten along with him but Shepard admired his forceful presence. It wasn't easy dealing with political shit, she knew all too well.

"Oh great, Udina! My favorite silmy politician. How's things?" She greeted, a smarmy smile twisting her lips. She could feel the mascara on her eyelashes beginning to clump and wished she'd never even bothered. It didn't help anything.

"Somehow much worse now that you're here. You're supposed to be dead." He deadpanned, moving around the desk to stand near her, casting dirty looks at the seated Anderson as if he blamed him for her sudden resurrection.

"Careful now, you might hurt my feelings." She pouted, suddenly really wanting to annoy him, to make him feel a fraction of the frustration she felt.

"I'd heard you were alive of course. But I didn't expect you to be back on the Citadel."

"Shepard's here on my behalf Udina." Anderson stood, seeming to sense it wasn't a good idea to let them continue unchecked.

"Do the words 'political shitstorm mean anything to you, Councillor?!" Udina spat at him.

"Udina, cram it. The council shut me down. I'm tired. I just want to catch up with an old friend. Can you leave?" Shepard wanted him out of the way. She needed to talk to Anderson about Kaidan and Udina was the last person she wanted overhearing.

"Fine. For what it's worth Shepard, I was sorry to hear of your passing." Even with the sour look on his face, he sounded sincere.

"Err. Thanks, I guess." Shepard was taken aback, surprised with his sudden change of heart and acquiescence.

"Just keep off the Citadel and out of my way. I have enough mess to clean up without old soldiers playing at politics." With that Udina turned on his shiny leather heels and stalked off.

"Huh. That was weird" Shepard said as she sat, settled into the couch. She drew her legs up beneath her.

"Despite your...clashes, he wasn't overjoyed to hear you'd died, Shepard." Anderson joined her, his voice censuring.

"Well I guess that's something. How have you been Anderson?" Shepard faced him fully, annoyance and frustration still bubbling underneath her mood but eager to catch up with him.

"It's been a struggle. The Alliance and the Council don't want to see the threat. I've been doing my best but I think I did more good as a soldier. At least then you could shoot something that pissed you off." He chuckled.

Shepard smiled with him, pleased to see he hadn't lost his wry humor.

"Now, what about you Shepard. This Cerberus business? Do you need extraction?" The levity gone, his face was the mask of her old N7 mentor: all business and professional concern.

"The Alliance won't do anything, will it?" She sighed, becoming resigned.

Anderson shook his head.

"Then I can't. No matter how much I want to. They're doing something. And I can't just walk away. It's not right. This way at least I can keep an eye on what they're up to. The people I'm picking up are talented."

"Remember Shepard, sometimes the right thing has a habit of leading you down the wrong path." Shepard looked away from his eyes, feeling the ghost of blood from Purgatory run down her palm again. She would always do the right thing, _right_?

Unwilling to think too hard of what the mission would take from her she asked the question forefront in her mind.

"Where's Kai- I mean Staff Lieutenant Alenko?" She tried to correct her slip by having it seem like it was just a professional enquiry. Shepard could tell by the look on Anderson's face that she'd failed.

"It's Staff Commander now, actually." Anderson shifted on the seat, his eyes flickering to his desk.

Shepard felt wave of pride wash over her. Kaidan, a Commander? She wasn't surprised, he was talented and a great leader. She always knew he was destined for better things. She couldn't wait to congratulate him properly. She made a mental note to buy him some of the whiskey he loved as a promotion present.

Shepard followed Anderson's line of sight, curious to see what he was looking at. It was a simple holoframe, nothing special, but what drew her attention was the face framed in it. It was Kaidan, smiling at something off screen. He had that blue shirt she loved on and the setting seemed familiar somehow. It looked like he was sitting down somewhere dark.

"What are you doing with a picture of Kaidan?" Shepard half laughed. She didn't think Anderson and Kaidan were particularly close.

"That's yours. It was the only personal possession in your apartment." Anderson replied.

"My apartment?" It suddenly rushed back to her where the picture had been taken. He was sitting next to her on that stupid couch in Flux, that night they got drunk with the crew. Ash had snuck a picture and given it to her later, pleased with herself. It was the only picture Shepard kept, a pride of place beside her bed on Intai'sei. Kaidan had been embarrassed but also ridiculously proud that she kept it. In the picture he had been smiling at _her_, his eyes soft and warm.

"It was repossessed. I cleaned it out for you. It didn't seem right to just throw it out. I got it out of storage in preparation for your visit. I wanted to see if my hunch was right." Anderson looked at her, his gaze sharp. Shepard had the uncomfortable feeling he could see right through her.

"Shepard. There were some rumors floating around after you died; whispers of impropriety. Normally I wouldn't put any stock in them...but at your funeral things got heated with Joker. I'm going to ask you straight: Were you in a sexual relationship with him?"

"We were friends, Anderson." Shepard willed herself not to blush. It was a secret special thing between them; she didn't really want Anderson to know.

"Shepard, don't bullshit me. You're terrible at it." He was stern and she couldn't keep the game up any longer.

"Anderson...I can't give you the answer you want to hear." Her eyes skittered away from his. Not ashamed but embarrassed.

"Oh, Shepard." He heaved a great sigh. "That was stupid, even for you."

"Thanks, Anderson." She was sarcastic and unapologetic. She didn't regret what they did and he couldn't make her feel bad about it. It wasn't just some lusty stress relief thing or a fling like he was thinking. But she couldn't think of a way to explain it without digging herself a bigger court martial-shaped hole. It was what it was and she wouldn't justify herself.

"Can you tell me where he is? I'd like to look him up." She asked, finally meeting his eyes again.

"I'm sorry but no. It's classified." Anderson said flatly.

"You won't tell me anything? Why not?" She was verging on whiny but she didn't care. This visit was already a disaster.

"Shepard. Don't make this personal. I love you like a daughter but look at yourself. You voluntarily working for terr-" He was starting to lose his patience with her, standing up and away from her. She cut in before he could go further.

"I'm not, Anderson! You know that! No one else is going to do anything! I'm the only one who can. I thought you'd understand. Just tell me where Kaidan is, please." She stood up too; the calm Presidium surrounds suddenly stifling.

"Shepard, you're being unreasonable." Shepard's heart was beating faster. This wasn't happening; the man who'd always been there for her wasn't shutting her down. He didn't _distrust_ her, surely? Maybe she should have controlled herself better. Maybe she never should have come here.

'_I can't take this anymore. Anderson, you're supposed to be on my side. How many more things have changed? Things I was so sure about?_'

"Oh fuck this. I thought you of all people would understand." She rounded on him, angry and hurt.

"Don't you try to emotionally blackmail me." He pointed a finger at her. "This isn't you. Hell, I don't know who you are anymore. Affairs with your Lieutenant? I taught you better than that. You barge in here making demands? The Shepard I knew...she wasn't out of control like this."

Shepard's heart pounded, those cursed butterflies back in a swarm. This was all wrong. She wasn't supposed to be yelling at Anderson. And he wasn't supposed to look at her like that, like he didn't even know her.

She turned towards the door, _Normandy's_ bright lights and nosey AI suddenly not seeming so bad. It was safe there, quiet - even if it was filled with Cerberus snakes. She knew what to do, knew what to kill. This was a mistake, coming here.

"Look, I gotta go. Thanks for everything. And thanks for saving the picture. I'll keep you apprised." Shepard ran out, snatching the picture off the desk. She ignored his shout of "Shepard, wait!"

Fury coursed through her and shame. She had handled that badly.

On the way to the docking bay she caught a glimpse of herself in a shiny surface. Her suit looked shabby. The mended hole made her look crude, uncomfortably close to the poor street urchin with too small clothes she'd been fifteen years ago. Shepard felt cut adrift, her only anchor was the mission and anger.

It was time to stop pretending, she'd made her choices and she'd live with them: With or without the Alliance and Anderson. On the way out she picked up Kasumi, welcoming the thief aboard with the promise to recover her dead lover's greybox.

She could sympathise with lost things.


	7. While You Were Sleeping

_Thanks for all your reviews last chapter, guys. They make me smile so hard and I love your comments! As ever, I'd love to know what you think of this one._

* * *

Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko's back was aching and there was the unpleasant sensation of sweat pooling in his black suit. The sun on Horizon was scorching and the sounds of cicada-like insects echoed across the brown crop fields. Usually he found the sound soothing, lulling his overworked brain to sleep at night in that tiny fold down cot. It reminded him of his family's orchard, the scorching summers, and the sweetness of ripe apples, dapples of sunlight through leafy trees. Now the sound went straight to his frayed nerves.

Kaidan stood frowning down at the holographic display. He had been bent over the GARDIAN lasers control turret feverishly working to get it online all morning.

Roughly he wiped an arm over his sweaty brow, mentally running through his trouble-shooting list again.

_'It should be working. Why won't it work?'_

He'd run through the coding twenty times already this morning and he could feel his usual calm temper fraying, the heat not helping matters at all. It just wasn't cooperating and it was definitely time for a break.

His face felt warm and he was sure he had some sunburn. Luckily, with his olive skin it wouldn't be too noticeable.

_'If Shepard was here she'd be complaining about getting bur-'_

Kaidan viciously stamped down the thought of Shepard's burnt red skin, the adorable freckles on her pert nose. He knew Shepard hadn't liked being in the sun much, a career on ships having given her a preference for dim military lighting.

_'No. Not doing this again.'_ He wiped Shepard from his thoughts. She was off limits.

He preferred thoughts about her these days to stay unborn; it was the only way he got through the interminable days without her.

He bent down again swiftly and collected his omnitool diagnostic array from where it had been plugged into the mainframe. How was it, two long years after she died; that he still found himself thinking of her every day, and of the most ridiculous things? And everyday he told himself not to. The way she drank her coffee, her loud laugh, the sweet smell of her shampoo, her hair splayed out on the pillow next to him. They said it was supposed to stop. 'They' had never known Shepard, though.

Kaidan started the long trek to the communal living area; the brown grass path was well worn by the feet of hungry colonists. He'd promised Lilith they'd eat together reluctantly; she had been concerned about his isolation from the rest of the colony. Kaidan just wanted to get the job done, not particularly wanting to socialize with the hostile colonists. They didn't have to like him; he was just here to make sure they were safe.

Lilith was also being rather obvious in her flirting, even he could tell and Shepard had always called him oblivious. He tried to flirt back, knowing he should at least try and take his friend's advice but he was awful and clumsy at it. He kept imagining Shepard's hurt expression.

She wouldn't have wanted this though; she would have wanted him to be happy and move on with his life. It was just so hard when the memory of her was a bright splinter in his mind, the recent rumors of a Cerberus cyborg running around with her face keeping him awake at night. '_How dare they?_' If he managed to find any Cerberus agents he wouldn't hold back. It was a mockery, a grotesque marionette and another insult to her memory. Hadn't the brass torn her down enough when she died? It wasn't fair; he wanted her to rest in peace.

_'It couldn't be her. Shepard hated Cerberus, they had wiped out her whole squad on Akuze. All those horrific things we worked together to stop, she'd never cooperate with them.'_

He wished Anderson had let him actively investigate the rumors but he had insisted on posting him to Horizon, he said he had acquired intel that it was in danger. How, exactly, was beyond Kaidan, and when he questioned Anderson, even he seemed suspicious. It had come through anonymous channels. Kaidan didn't trust it, but he had a job to do. This was why he joined up, to help people; to do some good. He couldn't take a chance that these people would be hurt.

Kaidan ascended the stairs to the eating area, glad to be out of the direct sun. He could feel his hair lose the battle with the humidity and curling alarmingly out from the careful style he'd done this morning. He ran his hand through the hair at his temples, trying to tame it before he saw anyone. Kaidan always thought it was best to leave a professional impression and in front of these people the last thing he wanted was to give them more ammunition for snide comments. He would be so glad to make sure these people were safe, and get back to the Citadel.

As he surveyed the area looking for Lilith among the milling hungry colonist he felt a small hand wrap around his waist and turn him around.

"Hey, you. I was looking all over. Thought I'd have to drag you away from that tower again." Lilith smiled up at him, her bright brown eyes eager.

"Yeah, not this time. Uh, it's a bit hot out there," Kaidan replied, shuffling subtly out of her embrace. He was keenly aware of the eyes of the rest of the colonists on them, the steady noise of clinking cutlery and conversation.

"Look, I made us some nice lunch, it's a bit crowed in here. Want to come join me?" Her face was pretty, bright and hopeful.

_'She's so different.'_

Shepard had never been demure or subtle. She flirted like a battering ram, all vivacious smiles and cheesy lines.

She was also dead and gone.

He had spent so much time carefully picking up the pieces of his heart and painstakingly gluing them back together. The drinks on the Citadel with Sarah were awful, filled with silence and glances at his watch. His friends were right: he had to move on. He wasn't helping himself by just wallowing in memories.

Kaidan had never told them the full story; never told anyone, really. Just that he'd met someone and it had ended badly, and somehow they'd made it their personal mission to set him up. It was time he regained control and some happiness again. No matter how much he mourned, it wouldn't bring her back.

"Ah sure, sounds nice. You know, I think I have a hole burned in the back of my head from Delan's beady eyes." She laughed at his stupid joke. Kaidan's lips twitched in response to the sound. Together they left Delan and his judgement behind, her prefab wasn't far away.

It was cool and inviting inside her living space, and Lilith had already set lunch up on the small dining room table. A ceiling fan wafted chilled air over Kaidan's face and his eyes fluttered shut in relief for a moment.

Kaidan looked around, taking stock of the small but homely living quarters. There were pictures of family scattered on walls and table. It made him think of his sparse quarters on Arcturus Station and he suddenly wished he had taken his Ma up on the invitation to spend some time on Earth last shore leave. He had made lame excuses, saying he needed to stay on the Citadel for work. But if he was honest with himself he had been avoiding them, he had promised Shepard that he'd take her to meet them and he irrationally didn't want to face going to Vancouver alone. He didn't know if he could fool his mother that everything was fine and Kaidan desperately needed to pretend he was. She had always worried about him too much; his childhood and teen years had been very hard on her. Ami Alenko had always blamed herself for being caught near the eezo exposure in Singapore when she was pregnant and no matter how old Kaidan got, she always fretted about his health. It drove Kaidan and his Pa mad sometimes.

Kaidan's gaze zeroed in on the mountain of sandwiches lying on the table and he suddenly felt very grateful to Lilith. She was the only one even attempting to cooperate with the Alliance and hadn't treated him with the customary hostility.

"Thanks, Lilith. This looks great." Together they sat and she smiled at the gusto with which he ate her sandwiches. He was starving, having to supplement the food the colonist gave him with unappetising rations and MREs. They seemed to think there wasn't enough food to spare for extra hungry mouths.

"It's no trouble." She flicked her hands, dismissing his thanks. "I felt like someone should at least show some appreciation for what you're trying to do out here. You slave over that gun tower so long all day, I was afraid you'd become fused to it."

"Ah well, not yet. Give it time." She laughed again and Kaidan found himself relaxing into the seat.

"So what makes you so open-minded? Most folks here would rather I just give up and uh go back to the Citadel." He asked, genuinely curious.

"Well my brother is a Private actually, back on Earth. I know you just do what you're told and you don't exactly want to be stuck out here with us rural hicks either." She gestured idly towards the other prefabs. Kaidan could see heat waves rising off the metal, counting his lucky stars they were climate controlled. It felt...nice in here.

"Oh come on. You're far from a hick," he protested.

"Thank you, Commander." Lilith smiled back at him, collecting the empty plates from their meal. He jumped up to help her, quickly grabbing them out of her hand. As their skin accidently skimmed he felt a static shock discharge. She jumped at the sudden small pain, grabbing her wrist.

"I'm sorry!" He quickly drew his hand back, cursing himself. "I do that sometime, it's all the metal in here."

"It's ok, just surprised me." She shook her hand. "What do you mean, 'you do it all the time'?"

"Uh, I'm a biotic. When we touch metal or another biotic, there's sometimes a static discharge." He shrugged, uncomfortable. When he had first met Shepard and shook her hand it had happened, surprising them both into jumping apart.

They had shocked each other, their first meeting literally electric. The fine hair on his arms had even stood up.

And Shepard had just _laughed_. She had told him she was pleased not to be alone in being '_the only mutant X-man on the ship_.' Kaidan had stared at her, struck dumb by her cavalier attitude and pleased shock of finally having a CO who _understood_. He'd never met anyone as comfortable in using biotics as her; they were like another sense, so _easy_. He missed that. His own talents had always been a prison; to her they were a freedom, a way to join the Alliance. The Alliance paid, fed and clothed Shepard; she had all the incentive in the world to stay with them for life. Her loyalty was something he had always admired about her, especially her loyalty to the Alliance. Shepard would bleed for the ones she cared for without a second thought for her own safety. Her biotics and the Alliance were the only reason she had been able to escape crushing poverty and crime on Earth.

Now, he sometimes forgot to gather his old barriers and walls around him, his safe distance that had served him so well after Brain Camp. All the ones she had torn down so easily.

'_Before Shepard'_, as Kaidan had started calling it in his head, he would have avoided skin to skin contact with someone. He was unwilling to start round after round of prying questions about life as a biotic. She'd made him too brave with his thoughts, too comfortable with his body.

"Oh." Lilith interrupted his thoughts. "I didn't know."

"Yeah, sorry about that." He rubbed a hand on the back of his neck, feeling the sunburn there prickle unpleasantly.

There was a silence while he put the plates by the sink.

"I should get back to work anyway. I'll talk to you later?" Her eyes were still wide, surprised. She kept rubbing her arm subconsciously.

"Sure. I need to get back to that tower too. Thanks for lun-..." He trailed off. She had already fled out the door.

Kaidan went back to his gun tower. And he very carefully did not think about the _real_ Shepard, only what he would do when he found the Cerberus agent impersonating her. His jaw ached from clenching it so tightly. What little intel the Alliance had managed to scout said that Cerberus was working on multiple projects, mostly highly dangerous. They were locked down tight, intel analysts and spies for the Alliance only able to scratch the surface of the organisation; it went deep and everything they worked on was codenamed and moved location all the time. A raid on Project Changeling two months ago had been a bust, the whole operation disappeared without a trace by the time the perimeter had been breached. Cerberus was completely dirty: experiments with AIs, human and alien test subjects, even work on Indoctrination and children. If only Alliance Intelligence could nail their HQ or CEO, he would have volunteered to lead a task force himself to take them out.

This latest _thing_, using the image of the woman he loved? He would put a stop to it. He owed her that much.

He was still working on the coding when the sun went down and the floodlights turned on. Insects were buzzing around attracted by the bright lights and the combination of both was giving him another migraine.

"Kaidan!"

He turned at the sound of his name; it was Lilith walking across the small clearing. She looked nervous, he hands twisting together. For some reason she had a sundress on now. She was pretty _but _-

_'Shepard never wore dresses. She wore hardsuits and pistols like the latest fashion.'_

He nodded politely to her, not saying anything.

"I wanted to apologize. For before, you know. I was just...startled. Biotics aren't too common on colonies and all." She said, moving in closer to him. Her dress swished against his knee.

"That's ok. Believe me I understand. It's a perfectly normal reaction," he said, used to her reaction.

"I'm _still _sorry. I got a bit flustered. I mean you're this big war hero and I'm just...me. And well I really like you and oh god I am so bad at this but-"

Before he knew what was happening she had pressed her lips against his. Automatically his eyes fluttered shut, his brain going offline quicker than that stupid gun tower.

_ 'She's kissing me. Someone who is not Shepard is kissing me. Why is she kissing me?'_

_'Shepard.'_

With a too quick jerk he pulled away from her, leaving her blinking at him.

He stood there stunned, irrational guilt coursing through him. _He'd kissed another woman._

"I'm sorry, I-I thought..." She put a hand to her flushed cheeks, clearly mortified.

Kaidan rushed to reassure her, despite his own unease.

"Oh no. It's not you it's-...oh shit, this is a cliché but really this is my fault. I can't-" He rambled.

"Besides I'm on duty and this isn't right. I-"

Lilith threw up her arms, stopping him and smacked a hand to her forehead.

"Oh god, you're married aren't you? I am so _stupid_! I didn't even think to ask! That's it, isn't it? I don't know why I didn't think about it before; the nice ones are always married. Gah."

"No, it's not that. It's just...she died. A couple of years ago. And I'm still working on dealing with that. So please believe me, it's not you." He said earnestly, trying to stop her making that guilty expression.

_'Ugh. Ash was right. I am terrible with women.'_

"That's even worse! I am _so_ sorry! I am such a fool when it comes to these things." Lillith shook her head, berating herself. Her eyes were wide with pity and Kaidan felt even worse. He hated pity.

"Were you married long? Have any kids?"

She still thought he was a widower. Kaidan didn't have it in his heart to correct her. He and Shepard had only a few months together but he had felt like she was _the one_. The one he'd spend the rest of his life with, have a kid or two, grow grey and fat with. He had thought them imperfectly perfect for one another. He was indecisive, she was moody. He was controlled where she was vivacious. They were both crowd-shy but loved nailing a perfect shot or the heat of battle. The rest was semantics, whether they were married or not he loved everything about her. Even the little things that drove him mad with annoyance.

The time he had with her? He would go through the pain of losing her all over again to have it back. Even for a few minutes. He hadn't thought that at first, sacrilegiously in his mind wishing he had never met her, if it was all going to end this way. Leaving him alone with a taste of what she was like.

_'I never told her I loved her enough.'_

Lilith was still waiting, expectant on his answer. He wished she'd never asked.

"No, no kids. We hadn't been together long, you know. We just...t-there was...an accident." He looked away from her face, unwilling to tell her more than that. He couldn't explain the heat of flames, how two minutes before the beam had cut through Normandy they had been about to sit together, eating child's sugary cereal at the mess' table. The next his world exploded in an inferno and he had looked her in the eyes before he left her behind to die, alone. Her N7 jumpsuit, her helmet, her voice as she had ordered him out: these things were burned in his brain.

_'Kaidan. Go, now.'_

Kaidan swallowed against the lump in his throat, his voice even and matter of fact.

"She was killed."

He hated this part.

Kaidan didn't have a great number of friends, preferring to keep his business private. A busy and illustrious military career on frigates and remote postings was not really suited to long friendships. The ones he did keep in touch with were with the Alliance too. They couldn't understand why he just didn't move on, like she was just a fling he could just shake off. At the same time Kaidan never knew what to say to them, how to encapsulate all that Shepard was. Words weren't enough to explain how, not just _hard_ it was to move on, but impossible.

_'There was snow, an aurora, Shepard would like that and burning debris and oh god why was Shepard not in the pod, I don't understand...I never should have left her, screw orders. She needed me.'_

"Kaidan, I'm so sorry. Believe me, if I had known-" Lilith said, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Please Lilith, it's fine really. I thought maybe I'd moved on but..."

"It's hard. I know. It's not the same but if it helps...my Pa died last year. And I still miss him every day. Don't let others put limits on what you should or shouldn't feel or do, ok?" She said, kindly.

Kaidan took a deep breath. She was right. He would take it a day at a time. He had a feeling it would only get harder in the coming days. But he would be ready for whatever Cerberus could throw at him.

"So can we just forget this whole awful awkwardness thing and be friends?" She held out a palm to shake.

Kaidan took it. He could do friends, especially with someone as kind as Lilith.

"Sure Lilith, I'd like that."

"Now go on, you'd better go eat before Delan decides 'you Alliance types' don't get any."

"Yes, ma'am." He saluted playfully. "I think this tower is beyond me. For today, anyway." He headed back to the cluster of prefabs, his heart a little lighter.

That night, the sounds of cicadas lured him to sleep and he dreamt of Shepard.

They were in a place he'd seen somewhere before, but the haziness of the dream obscured most of it. His dream-self was dumb and unfocused, basking in Shepard splayed out on the bed beside him. The giant sun streamed beams of light into the bay windows. The atmosphere outside was red and dusty. The room had its own celestial aurora but it was colored orange and blue, lights dancing on the walls. It was all indescribably beautiful and he lay there with her feeling warm, sleepy and secure. She was telling him an awful joke and he was laughing anyway because she was. He loved to see her happy.

When he woke up it was still dark. The cicadas had stopped singing.

He was alone.

Kaidan found that, when he thought about her fully, he couldn't quite remember exactly the way she smiled or the exact shade of her eyes. He couldn't remember her favourite color or song, or what she liked to watch on the extranet. The edges of her silhouette were fading; he didn't even own one lousy personal picture of her. She was lost to him more every day and he didn't know how to fight it. Shepard had once been his Singularity and now with her magnetic pull gone he was careening off into space, no rescue and no way back. It had been _so_ long since he held her.

Kaidan didn't even know if he wanted to fight it anymore. Maybe it was better this way.


	8. Trash Heaps and Smoking Men

_Hello readers! I had a ball writing this one, so I hope you enjoy it too! I would love to know what you think, as always, so drop me a review if you have the time :)_

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Shepard threw her whole body around the corner of the wall to avoid the rocket, the impact against the rusted metal jarring her back and she tasted a metallic tang in her mouth. Her heart was a jackhammer, her thoughts a pure focused litany of '_move, strike, shoot, punch, throw_'. The rocket zoomed past her, contrails dusting her cheek and she barely took note as it impacted against another rusted wall and exploded. The heat washed over her face and blew her hair around wildly.

"Watch it, Shepard!" Garrus called from his perch on the balcony high above her head. Shepard smirked and glanced up, amused at the overgrown bird-raptor he made on his metal domain. He had a precious little nest of thermal sinks and rifles, collected and stowed there like a preening militant hoarder. He covered her back, expertly sniping, while she and Zaeed weighed into the fray of krogan and Blue Suns.

The self-deprecation and doubt over the meeting with Anderson was gone. She had a krogan warlord to pick up and mercs to kill. Shepard had purpose, a goal and the strength and will to achieve it. She was on her own until she found Kaidan and she would just have to be ok with that. Well, Garrus was there too but he was distracted and bent on his own revenge against Sidonis. Her team needed her and the Collectors needed to die. There couldn't be room for anymore softness on her behalf.

Korlus was her trash-heap playground and anyone who tried to stop her would be her playthings.

She twisted out from cover again, ignoring Zaeed's shout of "Stay down, ya crazy bitch!" and grabbed the merc nearest to her by the collar of his armor.

Using his own momentum against him, expertly compensating for her own lesser body mass - she spun him, knocking him down. As he fell she gathered dark energy in her palm and threw herself down after him, to drive her fist into his visor. He screamed as she shattered through his kinetic shields, the mass-affected gravity colliding with his head. His cry of panic cut off abruptly and he flopped boneless under her. A rush of satisfaction washed through her, the comparatively small expenditure of biotics didn't tax her implant and still resulted in dead mercs. Shepard could work with this.

A bullet impacted her shields, making her stumble slightly and she once more retreated to cover.

"Goddamn, Shepard. Leave some for the rest of us." Zaeed spat, simultaneously ejecting a thermal clip.

"Come on, old man. Not my fault you can't keep up." Shepard gasped, winded but excited.

"Yeah. Alright, sweetheart. Keep your damn knickers on." Zaeed grumbled, hunkering down and crawling over to her position. Bullets kept whizzing by and he cursed at them, turning on his side and firing back. "Eat lead, ya bastards!"

When he made it to her, Shepard thumbed her earpiece, keying Garrus into the conversation.

"Listen up, boys. We need to move deeper inside. They're trying to slow us down, so we're not fucking around out here. We take 'em down, fast and hard and keep moving. Tank bred krogan will mop up the others; we need to get to the warlord. Now Garrus, form up with us and we move. Am I clear?'

"Yes, Shepard." They chorused back, Garrus already making his way down.

Zaeed and Shepard picked off mercs, clearing a path to the stairs and once Garrus had made it, they ran up taking them two at a time.

_"Failure is not an option. Kill or be killed! This is your test. We're being raided, I want those Commandos dead!"_

The voice was being piped in over the loudspeaker and it was driving Shepard _nuts. _

'Jedore,' as Shepard had heard the other mercs call her, was a sadistic bitch. And one Shepard would be glad to finally shut up. Jedore had used these krogan and discarded them like garbage. They were like toys for her own amusement and greed. Shepard loathed casual disregard for life, blood-raged krogan or not. Living, thinking creatures were never science projects.

It did make it easier for her though. The self-righteous fury allowed her to just see the mask of the Blue Suns, and not the faces or individuals behind them.

Shepard was a soldier, but this working outside the Alliance bothered her. Where were the rules of engagement? Where was the oversight?

'_Don't be stupid, Shepard._' She told herself, vaulting more stairs. '_Anderson practically washed his hands of you. He doesn't approve. He doesn't know who you are anymore so maybe you should start finding your own way.'_

She pounded up more stairs, quickly outstripping Zaeed. Garrus' longer legs allowed him to keep up, barely. For the first time since she woke up, Shepard appreciated Project Lazarus. Her endurance was even better than when she had been in peak physical condition.

"Slow down, Shepard. Damn. Where'd you learn to run like that?" Zaaed puffed as she slowed slightly for him.

"Little game we used to play in the Reds. I was always the fastest; they would send me pick-pocketing. Not because I was any good at being stealthy, but I was the best at getting away when I was caught." She replied to him, throwing it over her shoulder without breaking stride. They would come to another balcony soon, so she lowered her voice.

"In Escape and Evade in Basic, I wiped the floor with every other cadet. You look like you need a refresher, Massani."

"Heh. You kidding? I always make it out." He gruffly replied.

"Uh huh. Alright, Garrus and I will take point, back us up. "

"Right."

Together she and Garrus spread on either side of the door and burst through. It was another balcony, but the mercs were busy setting up some defences and hadn't even noticed them.

It was _perfect._

Shepard grinned. There was a merc bent over something directly in front of her and beyond that there was a gaping expanse of nothing but a sheer drop.

She raised her hand in a sharp gesture, and flung him off. His scream of shock echoed discordantly and Shepard whipped out her pistol on the others, unloading a clip. Garrus' rifle joined in a sharp retort, ending the small company in no time at all.

Zaeed didn't even get a chance to fire; he vented his displeasure by casually toeing a dead merc over the edge, watching his body twist gracefully to the bottom.

"Zaaed! That isn't necessary!" Shepard barked, annoyed even though the merc was clearly dead. The dead should be allowed to rest in peace. The thought made the back of her neck prickle and she rubbed it disconsolately.

"Not necessary. But damn fun. You should try it sometime. Pull that pole out of your ass." Zaeed said, lighting a cigar.

"It'll stay where it is, thanks." Shepard waved the smoke out of her face, frowning. "I like that pole, I've nicknamed it 'Morals'. Of course, you wouldn't know anything about that." He rolled his eyes with a "pftt". Shepard continued, narrowing her eyes at him and putting extra steel in her voice.

"You'd better stop fucking around Zaeed, or I'll make damn sure you aren't paid a cent."

Zaeed stayed silent this time and moved away from the edge. Shepard released the breath she didn't know she had been holding. He was volatile, and his loyalty questionable. These attack dogs of hers weren't exactly sure who the true enemy was yet, she needed to direct them, give them purpose and a muzzle. She was glad Garrus was here. Steady, reliable Garrus. Even though he was a hot-head, prone to wild bouts of vigilantism and a wicked revenge kick.

_'Argh, Kaidan better get his ass back on the Normandy ASAP. It seems like I'm the only sane person sometimes.' _Shepard thought of her impromptu haircut and awful crying, the image of hair trickling down the drain and shook her head. _'Correction: Chakwas is the only sane one.'_

"Move on." Shepard ordered, taking the lead again.

There were a few minor scraps along the way until they came to the bulk of the resistance. It was a bridge span, a company of mercs posted on the other side and not a great deal of cover in between.

Shepard squatted beside an old barrel, waving the other two further back with whispered instructions into her earpiece. Her keen blue eyes frantically scanned for a way to get the jump on them, some way to turn the situation to her advantage. She hated being unprepared and she especially _loved_ outsmarting people trying to kill her. She had never been a tactical genius but she was no halfwit either, her biotics necessitating some creative thinking to work effectively on a constantly changing battlefield.

She spied a ledge further up; it would be a perfect vantage point for Zaeed and Garrus. She could probably get them up there and wait for them to thin the herd before she charged across. Shepard could handle a sniper rifle ok, but they were the _real _talent. The problem would be getting them up there. She knew they'd hate her idea but it made her smile to picture it.

Stealthily, she fell back to where they were waiting.

"Ok, boys. Here's the plan. I'm launching you up there," she pointed, "and you are gonna put some holes in their brains so they can't shoot me up with rockets. Capisce?"

"Aw, Shepard! You are _so_ mean." Garrus whined, far too familiar with her love of messing with him.

"You adore me Garrus, don't lie. Come one, you're a big tough turian, you can hack it." Shepard clapped him on the shoulder, psyching him up.

"Fine. But I want a new rifle when we stop into Omega again. And you can't drop me." Garrus narrowed his small eyes at her, making a show of seeming firm in his bargaining.

Shepard considered. "Deal."

"Oh fuck no! Zaeed Massani is not your personal flying squirrel-monkey! You ain't launching me!" The ex-merc exploded at her, crossing his arms across his chest.

"I _am_, Zaeed. And you're gonna like it or take a hike. Look, I'll get Cerberus to throw some extra creds your way. Do it then?"

"Better be a fucking mountain of creds."

"Yeah, yeah whatever. Just bill the shit out of the Illusive Man. In fact, add as much as you want, I don't really care." Shepard shrugged, not giving a damn about his attempted bankruptcy of the Illusive Man. In fact, she was getting some good ideas herself on how to spend his money. She'd always wanted a pet. Kaidan had to talk her out of getting a ship cat, arguing that it was more a sea ship tradition, not a advanced space frigate's. He was such a spoilsport. Maybe she'd surprise him by springing a cat on him. '_He'd totally grow to love it.'_

"You've got yourself a deal, lady." Zaeed nodded, distracting her from her plans of sticking it to the Illusive Man.

Apparently his fear of flying was overcome by his love of money.

Shepard directed them further down, the wall of the large building where the mercs were gathered conveniently blocked any view or chance they had of seeing them.

"Ok, Garrus you first. Deep breath now, and...err try not to move."

"Shepard, please don't dash my brains against the wall. I haven't had a foursome with an asari, turian and human yet." Garrus said, nervously looking back at her.

"Plenty of time for that later Garrus, never fear. I'll make sure you live to achieve that particular nasty fantasy that I want to know absolutely nothing about."

Jedore cut in again to Shepard's fierce annoyance, breaking her attempt at concentration. _"Go! I demand that they be killed! I want everyone on it! Don't hold back!"_

He lined up perfectly at the edge of the balcony and Shepard cleared her mind. She stopped thinking of the mercs, of Zaeed huffing impatiently behind her, of Cerberus and secret plots. She thought about endless brown eyes and the bottomless pool of understanding and strength they gave her and she let it calm her. Her neurons fired in a practised sequence, igniting the mutant nodules strewn throughout her nervous system. Her biotics responded, the cool blue wisping up her arm and she let it go, not in a murderous thrust now but a gentle guided push. Garrus was enveloped and initially launched too fast but she slowed him as she guided him closer to the target. It was difficult, just using the right amount of force and not letting the vast power behind her new implant rush out, but she managed. Garrus' feet touched down gently and he turned and waved his rifle silently.

Shepard grinned. She wasn't a failure. She could still get shit done - Galaxy's first flying turian!

Zaeed was next and he didn't handle it with quite as much grace as Garrus, but he too, made it to her relief. She never would have done it if she wasn't confident she wouldn't kill them but it was still nice she hadn't broken their arms or something equally distressing.

In the end it was carnage at the last holdout, Zaeed and Garrus perfectly placed to absolutely scatter the mercs.

Garrus was gleefully shouting most of the time, calling out kills to impress her. "Scratch one!" And despite being busy avoiding gunfire and trying not to fry her own brain she was laughing. The Blue Sun formation soon fell apart and the ones with rocket launchers were quickly dispatched. Shepard threw herself into the fray as soon as they were gone, a blue whirl – taking them down and pulling more of them into Garrus and Zaeed's line of sight.

When it was over Zaeed and Garrus rejoined her into the next room, their perch leading directly to it. Shepard knew they had to be close to Okeer; the resistance had been significantly thinned out.

After a short skirmish in a courtyard-like area they arrived, and Garrus hacked through the door for her.

Instead, inside the lab was Rana Thanoptis, the asari working on Indoctrination she had let go on Virmire.

"What the fuck are you doing here, again?! First you work on Indoctrination and now genetic experiments on krogan?!" Shepard yelled, startling the asari neuroscientist.

"Shepard! I know this looks bad but Okeer is really doing good-"

"I don't care what you have to say. I-I lost...I lost a damn good friend and soldier on Virmire. It's galling that you are here, free to do your sick experiments and she's not standing beside me. You better get out of here before I do something I'll regret." Shepard drew her pistol, waving it in Rana's face. The asari's eyes watched its every movement.

Rana opened her mouth to protest but seemed to think better of it at the murderous expression on Shepard's face. She ran like dogs were snapping at her heels.

"Not too many people would give her a second chance." Garrus said, mildly disapproving.

"Yeah well, Garrus. I'd like to see you coldly put a bullet in her brain. Not so easy when they look you in the eyes first. Believe me."

Shepard stormed into the next room where a massive krogan stood by a tank containing a smaller krogan, dressed in white armor.

He turned to her ponderously but she sensed for all his size that he would be quick. She tensed, not sure what to expect.

"Ah. The formally deceased Shepard is not a sign of gentle change. I've watched your progress, you have impressive drive, but the batteries on these tanks will not wait while you play with mercs." Okeer rumbled.

"I wasn't playing. You know me?" Shepard asked.

"Of course. All krogan do, your nuclear inferno wiping out the pale krogan horde on Virmire is legendary. I'm sure you met Rana outside."

Shepard shifted, again uncomfortably reminded of Virmire. Every time it was brought up she thought of Ashley Williams eagerly telling her about her sisters, and how Shepard had raptly listened. So fascinated. She'd never had a loving family, just an abusive mother and a dead little brother. What Ash had spoken about had seemed liked some unreachable dream. Sometimes when she couldn't sleep in her cabin, before Ash had been turned into a black radioactive smear and every mention of her name was an accusation, she had imagined growing up with a family like Ash's. With a sister like Ash. It was a nice dream, one that became haunted and twisted by Ash's brave sacrifice. Kaidan's arms had later chased away the guilt, the nightmares, but every so often a little voice whispered to her exactly what she had done. She had killed the best friend she had ever had to save him. She had broken a golden rule of command: Don't play favorites. She'd never know if she had saved him because she loved him or because he was the ranking officer with irreplaceable talents.

Shepard was afraid to know.

Okeer kept ranting at her, praising his pure creation like he was a living krogan Adonis, interrupting her self-hatred.

"Alright Okeer. We're here about the Collector's, not whatever experiments you're doing here." She forestalled another rant about the Genophage.

"Bah. A human concern. They are strange –"

He was cut off by the very annoying Jedore again, calling for the liquidation of the project. The gas valves placed around the room opened, venting steam. Shepard jumped, alarmed.

_'Oh this woman is so going down.'_

"Look, Okeer. We'll take care of this Jedore. You'll come with us then?" She was curt, hurried. The gas was dangerous.

"Yes. You save my perfect krogan, Shepard, and you shall have my aid and information on the Collectors."

She didn't need telling twice, double-timing it down to the next room.

"Never a simple pick up for you, Shepard?" Garrus deadpanned.

"Apparently not, Gar. How about a little less chat, and a little more killing this bitch, hmm? And Zaeed for fuck's sake put that cigar away!"

The three of them burst into the room and Shepard swore. They were at least two YMIR mechs and crazy krogan that Jedore had released. The woman herself was on the other side of the room with a wicked looking rocket launcher.

"Cover up!" Shepard yelled at her companions, following her own order and diving behind a massive krogan tank.

It was brutal and she was glad she had the foresight to bring Zaeed, his heavier firepower compensating for her handicap - her biotics and heavy pistol took too long to rip through shields and Garrus could only Overload so much at a time without getting his ass blown up.

Zaeed tossed a grenade, the first mech exploding in a shower of metal. Shepard wanted this over quickly, with Okeer in dire danger of being gassed.

"You two take care of the krogan and the other mech! Jedore is mine!" Shepard shouted already moving, trusting Garrus to cover her.

Jedore was frantic, just now realising the position she was in. Her ego wasn't serving her so well now.

_'I have to get close to her.'_

Shepard scooted around cover, throwing her hand wide and sweeping a path to Jedore clean of a stray krogan kneeling there. He had been shot, his leg nearly blown off. It was a mercy, really, to kill him.

She took her chance, racing across. Jedore was there, likewise sheltering behind a tank.

"Stay back! I'll blow your head off!" She screeched levelling her sidearm, her rocket launcher out of ammo.

Shepard said nothing, and unloaded a clip of her pistol at her. The rounds bounced off the merc leader's tech armor, sparks flying and seemed to unnerve Jedore more. She was screaming and shooting wildly at Shepard, but she threw up her own Barrier. It crackled across Shepard's body, lighting her eyes electric blue. She worked on training it stronger every day, and it easily absorbed Jedore's shots.

Shepard had nothing to fear.

She ran, getting close to her just like the merc she had punched to death and grabbed Jedore, twisting her arm behind her back. Her shoulder popped out of its socket, Shepard's new strength all consuming and leaving Jedore powerless to pull out of her grip. The merc woman screamed in agony and Shepard flinched, hating the sound.

Shepard's biotic punch shattered the tech armor's generator and with a flick of her wrist, Jedore went flying, biotically thrown into the wall. Shepard heard the sick crunch of her neck snapping, but she felt no happiness in the fact. She felt brutal and...animalistic. Shepard was a low class gang member, killing a person because they were in her way and she had the power to.

The sounds of gunfire stopped. Zaeed and Garrus had taken care of the others.

_'Maybe I could have incapacitated her instead?' _Shepard bit her lip, her eyes examining the angle at which Jedore's neck was bent. _'Did Vyrnnus' neck bend like that? Maybe not, Kaidan said they could have saved him. There's no saving Jedore.'_

Her hands were shaking again, her anger faded and leaving her empty.

_'The Shepard I knew...she wasn't out of control like this.' _Anderson's words echoed in her brain. She wasn't out of control, she told herself. She _knew_ what she was doing; she was only doing it the best way she knew how.

She said nothing to Garrus; preferring instead to just lead the way upstairs. But he stopped her, tugging on her arm and searching her face. Whatever he saw there must have satisfied him because he swallowed and nodded, releasing her arm. Zaeed thought better of opening his mouth for once.

Okeer was dead, leaving a recording and a young perfect krogan as his legacy. His grunt.

Shepard contacted _Normandy,_ ordering pick up and sat on a nearby medical slab to wait. It was safe here, for the moment, and she needed to breathe. The blood was rushing to her head, making her dizzy.

"Hey Princess, you're not really thinking of taking this 'krogan on ice' show aboard the ship? He'll tear it in half."

"That's '_Commander'_, Massani." She corrected, fed up with his disrespect. She moved off the medical slab, already hearing the Normandy descending.

"That's '_disgraced _Commander'." Zaeed sniped back.

"Fine, _disgraced_ Commander. Better than a washed up old merc." She spat over her shoulder.

"Hey, better than a crazy, dead woman raving about crazy god machines from dark space."

"Where did you even hear that?" Shepard asked. She was surprised he'd even bothered learning about the Reapers, that he'd researched her.

"The extranet." He shrugged, relighting his cigar. The smoke wafted pungently around the room.

"Huh."

"Yeah well don't worry, luv. It's not all bad."

"No? Someone believed me?" Her heart suddenly jumped, jubilant that she wasn't universally held as a lunatic.

"Nah. Just I saw a few vids. Gotta say they hire the best actresses for you, your ass ain't so perky in person. Yeah, that '_Commander Shepard does the Citadel' _was a goddamn masterpiece."

"Garrus, remind me when we're on ship that Zaeed's extranet privileges are revoked." Shepard rolled her eyes, unfazed by his crudeness. She was a marine, he'd have to work harder than that.

"Yes, Shepard. Gladly." Garrus replied, an air of satisfaction at getting one over Zaeed in his voice.

"Oh come on. You tight-ass bitch."

Garrus suddenly spun, levelling his rifle at Zaeed. "Call her that one. more. time."

"It's alright Garrus." Shepard interjected, "We humans get a bit cranky in our old age. Our bones also get very breakable too." Shepard strode over to Zaeed and grabbed his arm. The merc's eyes widened in surprise at her strength, she must have weighed half what he did. She forced him down onto his knees before her, and again allowed the blue energy to snake down to her fist.

Shepard held it poised at his face.

"Get in line, Zaeed. You might not like the way I run things but you will _not_ disrespect me again."

They had a furious silent battle of wills, his mismatched eyes appraising her cool blue ones. Finally she could see the change come over him, sensing he wouldn't try and shoot her in the back. At least anytime soon.

"Ahaha! I like you, Shepard. You got guts!" He laughed dryly at her, the stink of his cigar washing over her face.

Shepard nodded, satisfied. In the Reds that had always worked. Despite being smaller than the others, she learned if you stood up to bullies they rarely could stand back. She was tougher. And she knew it.

She turned, heading outside in time to see the Normandy dock next to the building. Finally, they could get off this scrap heap. She wanted a breath of fresh air, but this planet stunk of blood and metal.

She could still hear them, talking inside. Garrus was laughing at him.

"Yeah well, turian. You just remember I have a few tricks up my sleeve and I know what vid is loaded onto that visor of yours. Tsk, tsk. What would Shepard say? You want those legs wrapped around your waist, instead of that soldiers' she's hung up on, huh?"

Shepard almost laughed, tempted to tell Zaeed he didn't have a clue what he was talking about. Garrus didn't think about her like that! He was her friend, not to mention another species. He wouldn't watch some cheap fetish vid about her.

_Crack!_

She heard a sick crunch and alarmed she rushed back inside. Zaeed was clutching his nose, blood streaming from it. Garrus had punched him in the face.

Maybe it _was _a mistake to add a volatile krogan to the mix. She already had enough testosterone and pent up frustrations to deal with. '_Thank god Jack isn't here. It'd be a bloodbath.'_

"Garrus! What are you doing?!" She stared at him, surprised he'd let Zaeed rile him.

"Shepard. Um, sorry. He deserved it, though." He said, not a hint of actual remorse in his flanged voice.

"You bloody broke my nose!" Zaeed yelled, gesturing to his face.

"You _did_ deserve it, Zaeed. You've been spoiling for a fight all day. Go on, hop on the ship. Chakwas will fix it up. And next time might wanna keep your mouth shut, hm?"

Zaeed ambled out, still clutching his fountaining nose.

Shepard couldn't help smirking at the state of him.

* * *

On board the ship, she waved to Joker then made her way across the deck to the elevator, intent on having a shower but Kelly stepped in her way.

"Not now, Yeoman Chambers. I know I have messages, I'll check 'em later." She tried to side-step her. Shepard didn't hate Kelly but she would not trust her or play nice.

"It's important ma'am. The Illusive Man wants to speak with you in the briefing room." Kelly chirped; that grating, cheerful attitude firmly in place. Shepard hadn't worked out if she was faking it or not, yet.

"Ugh, I'll catch up with him later." Shepard groaned even more determined to avoid him. She was working her ass off; she didn't want to be nagged about her progress.

"Ma'am, he was _quite_ insistent." Shepard was perversely amused, was that a note of annoyance in Kelly's voice? Oh, she would have to try and really piss her off someday. She'd take what little entertainment she could get, even if it was as petty as annoying Cerberus loyalists.

"Fine." She sighed.

_'What did he want now? Pft the 'Illusive Man', more like the 'Pain in the Ass Man'.'_

Shepard headed through the armory, handing her dirty pistol off to Jacob for cleaning as she went. He raised his eyebrows at the encrusted blood but said nothing. It was something she appreciated about him, unlike Miranda he knew when to _shut up._

As the QEC scanned her body she felt the first stirrings of unease and tried to school her face into something stoic.

_'C'mon Shep, think Kaidan's most carefully bland 'yes ma'am' face. Don't let this snake get to you.' _

Her little pep talk didn't work, as soon as his smug face appeared she felt her lip curling in distaste.

"Shepard. I think we have them! Horizon – one of our colonies in the Terminus system – just went silent."

"What?! How did you find out so quickly?" Shepard asked, shocked they could get the Collectors so soon.

"I have my ways; that's not your concern. Has Mordin developed the countermeasure for the Seeker Swarms?" He waved the hand holding his ubiquitous cigarette, dismissing her question.

Shepard was damn sick of smoking men today.

"Not yet."

"Let's hope he works well under pressure." He said, taking another puff. Shepard was glad quantum entangled communication didn't include smell.

"Why Horizon? What's so special about that particular colony?"

"The Collectors are very interested in you, it's no surprise since they _are _working for the Reapers. I believe you are intimately acquainted with Kaidan Alenko? He's stationed there."

Her thoughts stuttered and died.

_'Kaidan.'_

_'Kaidan was there. I finally found him. He was in trouble.'_

"What is he doing in the _Terminus_!? Why would they go after him?" Any hope of seeming unaffected was thrown out of the airlock, even she could hear the panic in her voice.

The corner of his mouth lifted minutely, seemingly glad at her distress.

"The Alliance sent him, officially to reach out to the colonists there, to improve relations. Our intel suggests he's become something of an Alliance poster boy, rising through the ranks quickly. It's likely he's on a covert op of some kind. If they sent Kaidan Alenko, it must be big. You'll have to take it up with him. It _is _obvious why he is a target: to get to you. _Clearly_ I can see it's working." He took another slow drag over his cigarette, eyes glowing in the gloom. His eyes lingered on her distressed face, she felt judged and exposed. Shepard fidgeted, crossing her arms across her chest.

"We've got to contact the Alliance! We can't let hi- I mean them be taken! Send a message, now!" Shepard yelled, incensed at his lack of care. He should have informed them immediately, the Alliance could send a dreadnought, a battalion, _anything. _

"No, they'll just get in our way. Once you investigate, I'll message them personally. Not before." He was cold and firm. His eyes were flinty steel.

"This isn't time for a pissing contest! Lives are at risk!" He couldn't be asking this. It was insane. Her team was too small still, they were underprepared and his need to be completely in control would get Kaidan killed. She would rip The Illusive Man's throat out with her bare hands if that happened.

"Do not argue, Shepard. Every moment you waste is a moment your precious Alenko doesn't have." He responded slyly, not listening to her at all.

"Don't call him that! Stop being enigmatic, how do you even know about_ us_?" A shiver went up her spine. The thought that he had spied on her, on Kaidan, on their private time together, terrified her. What if Cerberus had planted agents on Intai'sei? There could have been bugs or vid recorders in her old apartment. What if they bugged the old _Normandy_? Shepard felt sick to her stomach.

He took another puff, the embers lighting his face sinisterly. "You're irresponsible and cannot cover your tracks, Shepard. Information and resources are also _my_ business. Cerberus is everywhere, _do not forget_. You'd best get moving."

He terminated the connection, leaving Shepard standing on the pedestal, her heart in her throat.

_'I'm coming Kaidan. You'd better not die on me. I'll kick your ass.'_

She dashed to Mordin's lab. They needed to get to Horizon, ready or not.


	9. Ghosts on Horizon

Shepard was like a woman possessed as soon as her boots hit the ground on Horizon, Garrus and Miranda struggling to keep up.

Horizon was like a ghost town, with predators stalking the streets.

She could hear cicadas singing over the otherwise deathly silent fields, and the hum was almost maddening in her worry. It buzzed in the back of her brain, sparking a headache and adding to the nausea in her stomach. Little thrills of terror kept jumping down her spine at the sight of every frozen dark-haired man she ran across. Her haste and barely constrained panic had her moving with less finesse than usual, bolting around the corners of prefabs.

Garrus made a flanged sound of worry, almost the way a cat purred.

She tried to slow, and be more cautious for her squad but her thoughts wouldn't allow her legs to obey.

_'Was this one him? What about this one?'_

At least if she found him she could save him, get him back on the ship where he belonged.

'_If he was already taken...'_

Shepard worried at the possibilities, biting her lip as she slammed against a crate to take cover. They had made their way to a cluster of prefabs, slowly getting closer to the heart of the colony. The green grass was trampled, indicating a main thoroughfare and she could see a few strange pods the Collectors used scattered about.

Her tension had even affected Miranda and Garrus; both stayed silent.

Kaidan might have resisted and been killed outright. The Alliance was the only organized militia force on the planet and as a Staff Commander he would have been in charge. There was no way he'd just let the colonists be attacked, the Collectors would have had to subdue him first.

_'Dead, frozen or already on the ship.' _She leaned a hand against the cool metal of the crate, static discharge sparking her hand. She closed her eyes for a second and swallowed, trying to get it together.

All of those possibilities were unacceptable to her. Shepard wouldn't allow them to be true. She would kill every last Collector on this planet if that was what it took.

Suddenly, a Collector stalked from inside a prefab carrying a small pod. Shepard had never seen them this close before and her hate for them doubled.

_'These bastards killed me, took down my ship. They stole everything from me.'_

She clenched her fist against the crate, breathed deeply once more and steeled her nerves. Kaidan and those colonists couldn't afford her freaking out. In the space of that slowly released breath she resolved to push past her every limit. All the mental blocks she'd placed on herself to stop taxing her implant were swept away. Shepard would gladly burn so that he would live. Mentally, she gave into the anger that had always been so easy for her; let it dissolve away the fear in a white hot inferno. No one was _ever_ allowed to hurt the people she loved.

_'I am going to fuck the Collectors' shit up. The Reapers need to learn not to mess with my people.'_

Shepard clicked her earpiece, not speaking but trusting that Garrus and Miranda would understand the signal.

She burst from cover, a perfect shot right between the eerily glowing eyes of the Collector. She stood ready for more to appear but they were alone in the immediate area. Shepard trotted over to the dead body, toeing him onto his back with her boot.

It was horrific and Shepard felt nothing but revulsion. The skin looked like something rotting and foul. The skin stretched over muscle and cybernetics, it was artificially shiny and smooth. Shepard was reminded of a fetid mushroom growing from a decomposing corpse in a deep, dark place.

Garrus moved to check the pod, kneeling beside it. "Shepard, there's a kid in here!"

Shepard tore her eyes away from the rotten thing and dashed over to help him.

The child was maybe six or seven, eyes frozen wide and scared witless. Miranda came over too, scanning her omni-tool over him and trying to apply medi-gel futilely. The boy's skin was bathed in a yellow and black glow; it wisped over his skin in undulating waves. Experimentally she brushed a biotics-coated hand over it, trying to break through. Nothing happened; it was like a stasis version of a Barrier.

Shepard glanced at Miranda, raising her eyebrows at her in silent question. Miranda shrugged, brushing a gloved hand over his face, "It may have something to do with the ship or swarms proximity, somehow perpetuating the stasis field or perhaps it will take hours to wear off. Without a lab or Mordin's help, this really isn't my area of expertise."

"Either way, I guess we can't do anything for him right now." Shepard sighed, irrationally annoyed with herself at being powerless to help. At least she could get him out of that awful pod.

Together, the three of them they shifted him out of the pod and Shepard picked him up. Cradling him in her arms she carried him over beside a prefab and gently laid him down on the grass; it felt uncomfortably like he was a corpse she was putting to rest in the ground. The sad illusion was ruined by the wide brown eyes that looked at her pleadingly. She tried to smile at him, tell him that everything would be ok, but the words wouldn't come and she was afraid her smile just looked twisted and manic.

Shepard carefully arranged some shrubbery around him, to hopefully camouflage him from the Collectors. She hated leaving him like this to potentially get captured again, but there was nothing they could do. It was too dangerous to drag him along or call the _Normandy _in.

Still, she hesitated. Shepard wanted to take care of him, to save him. To do what she had not been able as a child. Children were helpless, innocent. They should never be put in danger like this. Shepard hated it, it wasn't right.

_'He's so small, he looks like Mi...'_

"Shepard, we've got to move." Garrus was anxious, scanning the shadowy prefabs with his rifle.

"Right. Let's go," she said firmly, "we save who we can and kill anything that is still moving." She internally chastised herself for getting caught up in old bad memories and charged on ahead.

Her unease only increased when they ran into husks. She hated them; the most depraved thing the Reapers could inflict. They stripped away your basic humanity and left you empty, a soulless drone. Shepard would eat a bullet before it _ever _happened to her. After Eden Prime and the Beacon, the husks had haunted her nightmares, awakening some primitive fear of corruption.

The squad moved in formation, watching their crossfire. A strange dread crept over Shepard, every shadow a husk, and a tree blowing in the breeze, a Collector.

The shadow of the gun tower loomed closer.

* * *

Kaidan was fighting a pitched battle with himself to stay calm and collected. The strange insects that had came from the clouds had immobilized him and in the rush of fleeing colonists he'd been knocked onto his side.

His vision was limited to a narrow field in front of him, unable to turn his head to see what was happening. His assault rifle lay just out of his reach. He'd been trying unsuccessfully for over an hour to activate his biotics, panic rising and somehow hoping they would allow him to move again. His body remained stubbornly, completely unresponsive.

He was frustrated but knew losing his cool wouldn't help any of the people here depending on him. They were completely defenceless; with the communication system down, the Alliance couldn't be notified. Kaidan wracked his brain for answers, a blade of grass uncomfortably tickling his nose. It was so quiet.

_'Was this some Cerberus trick? How were our comms. cut?'_

Whoever cut the communications had to have an inside agent in the colony. There was no other way that he could see. They had been severed from the extranet well before the strange insect swarms had arrived.

It had to be Cerberus. He couldn't think of any other party who could gain anything from leaving them exposed and vulnerable.

His breath puffed the grass out of his face. It was humiliating to lie like this, spreadeagled and almost face down in the dirt. The stasis hadn't removed all sensation and his arm was starting to hurt, pins and needles telling him the blood supply was being restricted.

Scattered around were other colonists, some still standing, others lying prone like him.

He cursed himself. He never should have been taken off guard.

It was then he saw them, all the more terrifying for being glimpsed out of his peripheral vision. Tall, almost bulbous headed creatures stalking amongst the colonists, stuffing them into pods.

Kaidan renewed his struggle with his body, he had to get out. He had to save them.

The clouds were dark, like an approaching storm.

"**Assuming direct control**."

If Kaidan had been capable of moving he would have jumped. The voice was awful, deep and booming. Kaidan didn't want it near these people at all, or himself for that matter.

One of the creatures was suddenly suspended in the air, his skin cracked and a sick cybernetic glow shining through. It was like Saren in the tower, skittering skeletally. As its legs hit the ground again, it seemed to scan the area until its head quirked, zeroing in on Kaidan.

It approached where he lay, almost stalking towards him like a predator. Kaidan could just see his legs gradually filling his vision; the skin was sloughing off revealing bunched muscle below. He could smell it, like rotting meat left in the sun too long. Kaidan pictured a praying mantis, ready to devour its captive. Bile rushed up his throat.

'_Don't you dare vomit. You will choke and die. Breathe._' He told himself, trying to separate his mind from his body.

The creature spoke, kneeling down to look him in the face. Kaidan felt like he was being examined under a microscope, his limbs to be pinned down and his body dissected.

"**This is the one. Shepard elevates ****_him_**** above all others. He will be harvested, their secrets will be ours. Once we have located their progeny he will join this one. Shepard cannot escape her fate, she will feel this.**"

Kaidan's mind raced at his words, what was he talking about? Shepard was _dead. _Whatever this thing was, he wasn't allowed to speak about _her._

The insect-like creature extended an arm reaching for him. His brain impotently sent signals to his body to jerk away.

It wrapped a hand around his throat and lifted him, his feet dangling in the air. Lamplight eyes stared him in the face; he couldn't turn his head away. The last thing he wanted to see was this creature.

Kaidan couldn't breathe, his harsh gasping the only sound rushing in his ears.

The grip was like iron and far more unyielding, it was going to kill him.

He had never wanted to die like _this_; it was supposed to be with Shepard, when they were old and feeble. Or like the books he'd read as a kid: a hero, dying to save someone, doing some good, a last brave stand like Ash, _anything_ rather than this ignominy.

Light-headedness stole over him, all his concerns drifting away in a pained red fog.

'_Is this how Shepard died? When she suffocated? I hope it didn't hurt for her...She was so beaut-'_

The pressure at his neck lifted, the monster suddenly flinging him to the ground. He landed on his back. It hurt but he was just grateful that he could still feel at all. He thought his collarbone might be broken by the way it throbbed. Once upon a time he thought death was what he wanted, unable to see past the days without Shepard. Now gasping in air as deeply as his paralysed chest would allow, every breath was sweet and precious.

The thing haughtily paced, to Kaidan eyes it seemed to be directing the other monsters.

"**Human biotic, great potential. She breeds like an animal. Their weak organic bodies, dull minds: Perfection is unattainable without our guidance. Prepare him for his ascension; he cannot escape his genetic destiny. The experiments will continue."**

Kaidan was reminded of Sovereign on Virmire, the contempt and superiority in its voice. He had no idea what it was talking about, his brain still fuzzy from hypoxia.

Now, laying on his back he could see the sky; in it loomed a massive ship and when his brain finally caught up to speed he recognized it.

The organically shaped ship had killed Shepard; he had watched it from an escape pod as it ripped through the Normandy. It was the one responsible for taking her away for him.

Kaidan had never known such rage, all the worse for being unable to do a damn thing about it. These _things_ were the monsters he had turned over and over in his mind. Sleepless nights, cloying guilt, too much whiskey and hatred of that mystery ship were his faithful companions in the dark days immediately after her death. He knew it as well as he knew his own name.

The monster general was apparently done with him. It suddenly quirked its head, almost looking at something Kaidan couldn't see.

"**Shepard approaches. I will confront her personally. Releasing control.**"

With that, the creature slumped to the ground, no longer glowing and apparently dead. Kaidan didn't dare to hope it was Shepard coming; it must be Cerberus with their cyborg fooling these monsters – '_Cerberus come to check on their handiwork'_.

Kaidan had never wanted to move so badly in his life.

Slowly the sounds of battle became audible, gunfire and the sound of biotics. He strained his ears to hear, hopeful somehow, miraculously the Alliance had shown up.

The creatures were still prowling around the field of prefabs Kaidan lay in; he could see them plucking up colonists like wheat to be harvested, nothing more than a good crop.

A short distance away there was a sudden large explosion and it was like they were insect drones, picking up on an order inaudible to Kaidan.

Their pace quickened, hurrying to and fro picking up frozen people. Apparently the explosion that had sounded to his practised ears like biotics detonating was not going well for the glowing creature. They were rough, shoving colonists he had worked with, knew by name into pods and taking them away.

Without warning, the head of one of the creatures appeared above him, blocking his last view of the sky. A sharp talon snaked down and grabbed him by the arm, lifting him up. Its strength was unnatural.

There was a sudden angry shriek that made his blood turn to ice in his veins.

"Get the fuck off _him_!"

'_That voice. It couldn't be. She was dead._'

Kaidan was suddenly convinced he had died in the creatures grip or was hallucinating. He had to be: Kaidan was finally meeting Shepard again.

The only thing wrong with his vision of the afterlife was her typical dirty mouth. Kaidan hadn't thought she'd still be cursing; then again leave it to her to be surly in heaven.

There was no mistaking her, as the creature turned to the sound, dropping him _again_.

Shepard sprinted towards them; dark spots danced in his eyes making him picture her biotics blurrily bathe her in blue fire like an angel. Not the innocent kind, the kind that wreaked vengeance on mortals who crossed her, the ones with frayed wings and heavy burdens - the terrible kind of beautiful. Kaidan felt his heart skip a beat, all the little details he'd forgotten about her rushing back. How could he even have forgotten?

Her hair was streaming into her eyes as she launched off a table at the monster, driving her blue-wreathed fist into its face and barely sparing a glance at Kaidan. Garrus suddenly appeared behind her, opening fire on the rest, taking down enemies at Shepard's back. Another biotic woman dressed in white and black threw Warps at the others.

Shepard was fierce and violent, she had taken the head almost clean off the one who had been holding Kaidan. She stood from the body, throwing another against a prefab and drawing her pistol in the same movement to shoot another in the back. He watched it all, paralysed on the ground; the way she moved, her expression, her teeth bared in anger. He could even see the crookedness of her teeth, her two front ones overly large, and the tiny glowing scars along her forehead and jaw. The shade of her eyes burst back into his memory; the pale shadow, the haunting ghost she had become suddenly painted in color and detail. It felt like his heart was shattering all over again.

It was her, it was really her. And she was with _Cerberus_, the woman in white's logo was unmistakable.

The last chitinous creature fell with a blue disabling field crackling along his skin courtesy of both the black-haired woman and Shepard. As soon as it was over, she ran to him, barking orders to the others to stand watch. She stared at him, panting from the fight, her eyes raking his face as if he'd disappear any moment and he could do nothing but blink back at her.

Kaidan felt dirt, grass and sweat stuck to his face; he thought his face must have been grey from choking and he could feel his hair pathetically flattened onto his forehead.

'_Great. Way to go Alenko, looking very in control and attractive right now._'

She knelt next to him, propping him in a recovery position so that he could breathe clearly. Her hands felt electric even through his armor, but it was wrong. He'd always been able to feel her when she was close to him, a particular hum of eezo, the smell of slight ozone and the shampoo she used all adding up to something that was uniquely Shepard. She felt different than before.

"Miranda! Can we do anything for him? He can't move!" She kept running her hands over his face, pushing his hair back from his forehead. Her long, elegant fingers he had once held smudged over his cheeks wiping away the dirt.

Her hand felt cool and comforting. He wanted to hold it, kiss it, and say anything to her. She looked so worried. He didn't know if he wanted to tell her he loved her more than anything or demand angrily why she here now.

She must have faked her death. There was no other explanation.

'Miranda' which was apparently the Cerberus operative's name moved over to stand behind Shepard. He got the impression by the way her cold blue eyes appraised him that she'd made her judgement and found him lacking.

_'I get that a lot lately.'_ He sighed internally.

"We can't do anything, Shepard. We need to get the gun online and then we can think about helping people. Until the swarms are gone..." The Cerberus agent shrugged her shoulders.

"Alright. Ok...We can do this," Shepard took a steadying breath then leant over him, whispering so Garrus and Miranda couldn't hear, "Kaidan, just hang on. I'm gonna make it safe. I love you, ok?"

'_How could she say that so easily, after all she put me through? It's cruel._'

Shepard leant over him, her hair falling over his face like a silky curtain, obscuring the view of her teammates as she brushed her lips lightly against his cheek. Despite Kaidan's confusion his eyes fluttered shut, relishing her softness against his cheek. It felt like a hard knot had loosened in his chest for a moment, one that had been there ever since he'd opened that escape pod. Their position reminded him of the first time he had kissed her, the time they'd been attacked by mercs and she had a head injury. Now their positions were reversed, he was the one who had to be left behind and she was the one who was leaving. They seemed to be always leaving one another.

Then she stood abruptly, her face pained as if she'd like nothing more to sit on the ground with him forever.

"Garrus, help me move him too, they were trying to take him." Garrus jerked his gaze from where he'd been intently studying a tree to avoid looking at the two of them on the ground. Together they each grabbed one of Kaidan's arms and started dragging.

Kaidan was _really_ fed up with this paralysis. He had never been manhandled so much in one day. He tried to show his displeasure by huffing loudly but it sounded more like a strangled groan.

Shepard patted him somewhat unhelpfully on the shoulder and smiled at him sympathetically.

"I know. I'll get it fixed. Just um...chill here, I guess?" She turned and with a wave to Garrus and Miranda, they were gone.

After a few minutes the sound of heavy gunfire picked up again, from the direction it came from it sounded like they were in the courtyard with the gun tower. He hoped desperately that they would have better luck than him getting it online.

Kaidan was convinced he was in some kind of shock.

'_Shepard is alive, she's alive. __**Why **__didn't she contact me_?'

He felt anger building up inside, now she was gone again her could think clearly without her face distracting him. She had faked her own death to work with Cerberus, or had somehow been rescued by them. Cerberus had always been interested in human biotics, especially Alliance Officers with her skills. Shepard had always been too impulsive and despite her difficult life she remained naive and politically unsavvy to a fault.

Either way she was working with them and apparently without duress.

After everything they had gone through together, showing each other their ugly past wounds, fighting Cerberus, after _Ash_, Ilos, and Intai'sei. He had loved her so much and she had thrown that back in his face. She'd betrayed him. If she had loved him, she never would have let him go through what he had these last two years. The guilt had eaten away at him from the inside out while she had run around with human supremacists. All those rumors he had stanchly denied could ever be true, _were_.

He felt like a fool, blinded by his love for her. Life wasn't romantic like those stupid adventure stories.

'_Sometimes people weren't who you thought they were._' He lay on the grass and felt all that he thought he knew about her turn on its head. His centre of gravity was skewed, reversed.

As the first salvos fired from the massive guns, ripping into the ship, he felt the stasis lose its hold over him. In moments he had leapt up, scooped up his gun and was sprinting for the courtyard. He was weaving a bit drunkenly, his limbs stiff and sore but he didn't care. Whatever Shepard was and whatever she'd done, she needed his help.

After everything, he still cared about her. He doubted anything could ever change that, she was etched on his heart like a tattoo.

The courtyard was a warzone. Husks swarmed everywhere and their raspy groans competed with the bark of Garrus' rifle. There were two Scions firing some sort of biotic volleys at the small team, tearing through their cover. The large twisted creatures looked like an amateur taxidermist had gone crazy on them, sewing bits on randomly to make a macabre killing machine. Miranda was favoring one leg and Garrus had a nasty gash on his face. It matched the large scar that Kaidan had noticed covered the other side of his face.

'_Where had Garrus been? Had he been running around with Shepard while I struggled getting through the day?_'

Shepard was in the centre of it, of course. She was like a bright blue star, burning anything that came too close.

Kaidan threw himself into the fray, his omni-tool sending out a mass of super-cooled subatomic particles to snap freeze a grouping of the creatures that had tried kidnapping him. He then formed a mnemonic as he slid to cover and shattered them to shards with a biotic blast.

There was another glowing monster, like the one that had spoken to him. It was _obsessed _with Shepard; she had to dodge and roll to avoid his powerful attacks.

"**Preserve Shepard's body if possible**."

Kaidan picked up a crate with a thrust of his hand and sent it straight into its face with the force of one thousand Newtons. Its whole head was crushed inwards, but the glowing had already stopped.

Shepard dashed from cover, positioning herself on the outer ring of the clearing.

"LT! Launch me!" She said it just like she used to, supreme command and confidence in him. He didn't even notice the old nickname. Shepard was pointing to a taller prefab, it would be a safe spot to survey the whole field and watch for husks that could flank them.

On instinct he obeyed, knowing she could handle it and lifted her with his biotics. He watched her soar and land splayed like an agile cat. Shepard exuded speed and grace on the battlefield, no matter how volatile or clumsy with words in calm times; once there was a fight Kaidan had never known anyone like her.

On top of the metal prefab she stood, not a hint of fear at the height bowing her back. A sharp thrust of her arm and she threw a Singularity into a grouping of husks. To Kaidan's alarm it seemed to hurt her, she clapped a hand to her neck. Miranda distracted him by calling out a "Thanks, Commander!" She'd almost been overwhelmed by the quick husks. Kaidan again acted on impulse throwing a Warp into the whirling black hole Shepard had made and watched the caught husks be blown apart in a grisly biotic detonation.

It had always been so easy to fight as a partner with Shepard; they knew each other so well. Kaidan felt like they were two pieces of a puzzle and when fitted together, they could take on the world.

The Scions had a gun of some sort grafted onto their grey bulbous arms and as he watched one fired at Shepard, almost penetrating her shield. It pitched her forward, right off the edge of the prefab. Kaidan, without considering his own safety or exposure tried to catch her with a Lift, but he was far too slow.

Even from a distance away, he could hear the snap of her wrist breaking as she caught herself on her hands. He heard a pained shriek and he was suddenly dashing towards her, vaulting a crate and shooting two of the strange monsters in the face with his rifle.

He threw his hand up at the Scion violently, his biotic field ravaging its skin. Another sharp gesture and he sent it careening away, to lie still. It oozed pus like a raw wound, staining the grass beneath it with dark ichors.

Shepard was picking herself up but Kaidan could see the angle she held her wrist at. It was unmistakably broken. That arm had always been weak; it'd been broken too many times when she was a kid. Sovereign's last gasp of defiance had shattered it in three places too. Kaidan would always remember that moment in the wrecked and hellish Citadel tower.

"You're alright?" He bent down to help her up, hoping Garrus would keep his back safe.

She was a bit breathless as she took his hand to get up, and once standing cradled her arm slightly. "Yeah, y-yeah I'm fine. Medi-gel will hold it for now."

He stood there a bit awkwardly, feeling amazed that he felt tongue-tied. He thought he was past that. They were in the middle of a shoot-out and he couldn't look away from her. "Um ok, that's good. We should get to cover."

"EDI's taking care of the gun tower; we just need to hold this position clear." She seemed to be having less trouble than him, already sprinting back into the fray.

Wondering who EDI was and deciding not to ask, Kaidan followed after her.

It felt bizarrely like he'd fallen back in time, this was just another mission before she'd died, some geth outpost they were storming. Kaidan wished it was that simple, he felt off-kilter and scrambling to keep up; alternating between happiness to be back with her and anger and confusion.

Finally the gun fired, its raw power ripping into the ship. The swarm of husks and monsters stopped.

Kaidan's heart was racing as Shepard folded her pistol back into her hip holster on the other side of the clearing.

A colonist was running toward her shouting. Kaidan recognized him, it was Delan. He was blaming Shepard for letting the ship get away and taking half the colony. They'd taken Lilith. Kaidan felt sick with guilt. She had trusted him to keep them safe, and he'd failed them all.

"I tried, alright? I did everything in my power!" Shepard was saying, trying to defend herself.

"More than most, Shepard." Garrus rumbled in answer giving Delan a dirty look.

Delan perked at the name, looking at her suspiciously, "Shepard ay? You're another one of those big Alliance heroes."

Kaidan walked to her slowly, colors muted, sounds dulled, like it was a dream he was having. Shepard was alive in front of him.

His mouth opened, words spilling out, drunk on her presence. "Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel. You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."

Shepard turned from Delan, his complaining completely ignored. She was running to him, her face fierce and longing and so open and his mouth was dry, his hands shaking. The world shrank to just her face.

She threw herself into his arms and he caught her just like he used to, hugging her tight.

Her bad wrist was held limply on his back, she didn't even seem to be aware of the pain, and her breath was shaky, puffing against his neck. Shepard turned her head, angling it up and suddenly she was kissing him, as hard as she could. Her face was wet with tears. Their embrace was more electric than it ever was, his mind sighing in pleasure. It had been too long, he was Tantalus finally allowed a drink of water. The world was color after the black void of space. He kissed her back just as hard, his arms wrapping around her waist tighter, almost lifting her off her feet. She felt heartbreakingly real, her armor clanking against his, her body firm and solid. His mouth opened beneath hers, tasting her and she reciprocated. Her lips were so soft. It was the same, the same as he'd last kissed her on the _Normandy._

The real world harshly burst his euphoric bubble. He couldn't pretend the last two years hadn't happened.

He pulled away, disentangling her from him. It hurt so badly, his heart torn again but it had to be done. He removed his hands from where they had been stroking down her back.

"What's wrong?" Shepard looked bewildered, her lips swollen. Her brows furrowed in confusion at him.

"'What's wrong?' You show up after two years and ask me that?" Kaidan took another step back from her, willing himself not to give into her beautiful eyes. She'd left him.

He continued, his voice quiet but he could hear his anger and hurt bleeding into it, "I thought you were dead. We all did. I thought we had something, something real. I loved you, _so much_. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that?"

Shepard took a step back from him, half pivoting on the spot looking like she was searching for the right words. There would be no right words, not for this.

He barely noticed Miranda cocking her head towards their argument, suddenly engrossed in it. Her face was intensely puzzled.

"K-Kaidan, I was d-dead. I dunno what happened, I woke up and I was confused and..." Her eyes danced away from his face and she crossed her arms across her chest uncomfortably. He'd never heard her sound so uncertain, never heard her voice waiver so much.

Behind her Garrus stood from where he'd been examining a husk corpse and moved behind Shepard's back, his arms crossed against his rifle.

"Why didn't you contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive? Didn't you think I deserved to know rather than hear the rumors? Did you care?" He was one octave away from nearly yelling. He was losing his careful control, and he couldn't seem to stop. All the pain was pouring out, everything that had happened since she went down with the ship.

"Of course I care! I-I tried...The second I woke up, but Cerberus...and then Anderson stonewalled me. He wouldn't tell me where you were!" Shepard gestured, her arms spread wide and earnestly.

Kaidan was suddenly alarmed, the heat taken out of his anger. He reached out and held her uninjured hand, intensely examining her face. "Are you saying Cerberus threatened you, have something over you? Have they held you against your will? Say the word Shepard and I'll take you away from them, I swear the Allia-."

Shepard interrupted him, tugging her hand out of his grip uncomfortably.

"No, no. It's not like that, exactly." She was evasive, not looking him in the eyes. "I have to work with them, the Collectors are taking people and they're the only ones doing anything. I can't just do nothing, I can't stay quiet." Kaidan thought she sounded like she wasn't sure herself. Her voice was strained like she wasn't just trying to convince him.

"Shepard, Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing colonies. We got a tip this one would be the next hit. Have you thought that Cerberus could be manipulating you? Using a threat of a Reaper to turn you into their agent? What if they're behind this?" He said, desperately trying to get her to question, to look beyond however she'd been manipulated.

"Did you somehow miss the giant glowing bugs, Kaidan?! Don't be stupid, you were never good at it!" Shepard waspishly snapped at him, rolling her eyes and recrossing her arms. Anger - her old faithful back up. Kaidan was sick of it. She couldn't just bark at him and expect him to jump anymore.

"Stupid, huh? At least I know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance man, always will be. And I refuse to be manipulated by you, Shepard. It's not fair."

"Dammit Kaidan, you're so focused on-" Garrus piped in, his mandible fluttering angrily. He'd always defended Shepard whether she was wrong or right, Kaidan wasn't surprised he'd followed her around.

"Garrus, Miranda go to the shuttle." She cut in over whatever he'd been about to say, her voice was as cold as Kaidan had ever heard it.

"But Shepard-" Garrus protested, Miranda was already backing away.

"Did I stutter, Garrus?! I gave you an order!" She was yelling in earnest now, and Garrus seemed cowed, turning to join Miranda.

Shepard rounded on Kaidan shoving him in the chest, one handed_._ He stumbled back a step._ "Fair_?! You want to talk about _fair_?! How about waking up, after missing two years of your life! Waking up with a crapshoot body and so many scars, I don't even know where to begin!"

"And now you're looking at me, like you don't even know me..." She finished her rant quietly. Her eyes were filling with tears and he almost gave in.

_Almost _she drove him to throw away all his integrity and loyalties just to wipe that hurt look off her face.

"Shepard..." He didn't know what he was pleading with her for, this was going so wrong and he didn't know how to make it right.

Her blue eyes were the color of a raincloud in this light, wide and beseeching. "_LT,_ please. Come with-"

_That_ old nickname woke him up to what was happening. This wasn't right. This wasn't two years ago and she wasn't the same person. He was angry and broken and she was trying to get him to throw away his entire life. This wasn't the old Shepard.

"Don't call me that! The two women who were allowed to call me that died two years a-" He abruptly snapped his jaw shut, already gone too far to snatch the words back.

She looked like he slapped her across the face. He felt shame trickle over him but couldn't bring himself to apologize. She asked too much of him, she asked him to go down a path of ruin and folly and grey areas. He didn't do grey and he had never thought she had either.

"Fine, _Staff Commander_, sir." She snapped off a mocking salute, her best Commander voice back on.

"Shepard, don't be like that. You should...Just come back with me. Cerberus is dangerous, you know that. And you've had trouble before with gangs-" He nearly begged, she couldn't be this blind.

"Don't talk about that! It's completely different from the Reds! I need to do this, to save lives!" She said it like it was all so easy; like she could just walk away when she was done. It didn't work like that, Kaidan knew, there were _always _consequences.

"Isn't that what you thought before? That you needed to be with the Reds to save Milo and then you got caught up in it all and before you knew it, he was on red sand and you were killi-"

**_Whack._**

She'd slapped him; angry, shocked and hurt he'd say that. That he would bring it up as ammunition in an argument, something so private that she had confessed in their most intimate time. Kaidan knew he shouldn't have said it; he just wanted her to stop and listen.

The force of the blow snapped his head to one side and he grasped his jaw, rubbing it ruefully. She pulled the force, and she'd had to use her off-hand but it still left a red hand print on his stubbled cheek.

Kaidan stared at her in shock.

"Shepard!" He yelled, hurt in his voice.

She was apparently too far gone into her rage to stop her tirade. "Don't 'Shepard' me! H-How dare you! You and your self-righteous attitude can go screw yourself! You have no idea about me or my life! I do what I have to!"

"You don't! You can stop it!" His own temper was nearly lost, she was completely unreasonable. She was far too easily blinded by emotion, by those smoother and oilier than her. He knew she was being used but she couldn't see it.

Footsteps crunching heavily on the grass alerted him that Garrus was back. Kaidan's eyes flickered to his for a moment and back to Shepard's. He'd find no reason there; Garrus was too hot-headed, just like Shepard. He must have been drawn back by their raised voices, concerned. He came up behind her, towering over her and put a talon on her shoulder. Kaidan wanted to tell him to mind his own business.

"Shepard, we should leave. Come on, this isn't going anywhere." His tone to her was gentle. Blue blood was still oozing from his gash into his eye.

"Wait! I'm not done, Garrus." She spat over her shoulder.

"I think you are. He's made up his mind and do you really want to let Miranda see you lose it like this?"

Shepard stopped, her head turned to one side looking at Garrus. The delicate line of her jaw was clenched in consideration. Her profile let him see that she'd cut her hair. It was a shaggy, wavy mess. The way it used to be after spending all day in bed with him.

Kaidan angrily wiped the thoughts from his mind. She couldn't be allowed to affect him like that anymore.

Her head snapped back to him, decided. Her eyes were blue river stones, cold and hard. "I apologize for hitting you _sir_, you can write up my charge for insubordination after I've killed the Collectors."

She spun, starting to stalk away with Garrus.

"Shepard..." He trailed off, not sure what more could be said.

She turned looking back at him. She stood in the middle of the field of corpses, her hair blowing wildly in a gust of wind. Her face was empty, anger drained away. Her eyes begged him. It was his one last chance to go with her.

"Stay safe."

Kaidan walked away, not even sure she had heard him. He had to report to the Citadel. He had to do his duty.

* * *

The shuttle ride back to the Normandy was tense and quiet. Shepard felt bad for snapping at Garrus, apologies stuck in her throat. Mostly she was just trying not to cry in front of Miranda.

The Cerberus agent was quiet, and kept throwing her concerned looks. She looked like her brain was ticking over a mile a minute. Shepard had lost all patience for this shit.

"Spit it out, Miranda. I know you're dying to say something." She sniped. She leaned further back in the utility seat, tugging on the strap keeping her anchored and crossing her arms. She felt exposed, like a wounded animal with a piece of flesh torn from its side.

"Was it serious? With Alenko?" Miranda was quiet, seriously inquiring. Not her usual derisive tone.

"Doesn't all-mighty Cerberus know everything about me? The Illusive Man already told me he knows about our relationship." She shrugged her shoulders, sick of the mind games.

Miranda shook her head slowly. "No, we don't know everything. I had thought..."

"What?"

"That it was just sex, you know, blowing off steam. Close quarters on a ship, fear for your lives." Miranda waved a hand, apparently familiar with just 'blowing off steam'.

"Happens all the time on turian ships, there was this scout-" Garrus butted in bracingly, his tone deliberately cheerful. Shepard didn't want a bar of his attempt at distractions. She was being a bitch and she didn't care.

"I'm not a turian, ok Garrus?! And I don't sleep with people under my command for the fucking sake of it, Miranda. You can stick that in your stupid file." Shepard snarled.

Miranda raised one perfectly arched eyebrow, earnestly asking her, "So it's true, what he said back there, he loved you? You loved him?"

"No, _of course not._ I risked both of our careers for a cheap roll in the hay. Clearly." She said, bitingly.

"So you actually saw a...future with him?"

Shepard huffed, confused and embarrassed with the line of questioning.

"W-What? Why would you- Look, I don't know and it's none of your business!" Shepard stood, restless again and wanting nothing more than to get to the stillness of her cabin. "So somehow it ruins your image of a heartless immoral bitch? Sorry to disappoint, we can't all be perfect like you."

Shepard was being completely petty, she hated everything she said but she was stuck in irrationality. Her wrist throbbed, _everything hurt._

"Uh no. I'm...I just didn't think of it that way. I-I didn't consider..." For the first time, Shepard saw real doubt on Miranda's face. She didn't have the energy to examine why, she was just plainly annoyed.

"It doesn't matter. This topic is off-limits. He's with the Alliance and I'm with Cerberus. End of story. Now shut up, for fuck's sake."

Shepard threw herself back into her seat. Garrus was looking away from her and Miranda was pouting. She leaned her head back to the wall and prayed that she'd never have to hear the word 'Horizon' again. She didn't think her heart could take it.


	10. Vodka and a Big Bed

_Thanks for sticking with me, faithful readers. Your reviews absolutely make my day and I love hearing your thoughts so hit me with them :) Big thanks to my beta avril as always, for her invaluable grammar, spelling and much better grip on punctuation. We're entering the next phase of the story and things will heat up a bit soon! *evil grin* _

* * *

'Alcohol. Lots of alcohol', was Shepard's only thought as soon as the shuttle re-docked with the _Normandy_. Garrus wouldn't be joining her this time, he slunk off the gun battery as Miranda hurried to conference with the Illusive Man. Shepard had been unkind to Garrus and she resolved to make it up to him. She lifted herself tiredly out of the seat, wincing as she caught her broken arm slightly on the seatbelt. The walk to her cabin seemed so far.

Shepard was itching to rip into the Illusive Man but she was exhausted and in her emotional state she was terrified she would say something too revealing. Later, there would be time; he wouldn't get away with whatever game he was playing.

For now, her wrist was still throbbing in pain in time with her pulse and it was not helping to get her head back together. The feeling of shattered bones was familiar, as was fighting alongside Kaidan - what it felt like to work with him, and his body against hers. What wasn't familiar was the way his eyes had narrowed at her, his brow twisted, the little lines on his face he didn't have before. The anger in his voice, the anger in _hers_. She had never been angry at him like that, and he had never raised her voice at her.

'_What were we doing..._?'

Shepard stumbled into the elevator, sick to her stomach. She had hit Kaidan. He didn't deserve that.

In her cabin she gingerly peeled off the sleeve and glove of her armor. The wrist was swollen and red, but she felt lucky the bone hadn't broken through the skin. Slowly she stripped, and then rubbed a wet towel over her body, washing off the sweat. It would be too painful to have a shower with the broken arm and she wanted to be clean and put on comfortable track pants for the visit to Chakwas. As she padded from the bathroom to grab some clean clothes, she glanced over to her desk. Kaidan's holographic eyes watched her, his face frozen in that stupid secret smile. Shepard lost her battle with angry tears then, small trails slipping down her face. Furiously she wiped them away with the back of her arm, and reached out to slam the picture face down on the desk.

It was over. She'd been an idiot to ever fall in love, it should never have happened. Their time together was a mistake; she'd exposed herself against all reason.

_'It never would have worked out anyway._ _People like me don't get to be with people like him. He doesn't trust me._'

Shepard pulled on her track pants one handed, and then an overlarge tee-shirt she'd stolen from the laundry. She hardly looked Commander material, but as Cerberus couldn't court-martial her she didn't care. The crew could think whatever they liked, this was _her _ship.

Shepard had fought so hard, tried to hold onto her Alliance ideals, to stick to what Anderson had taught her but it just wasn't working anymore. Everything good was so hard, Kaidan had judged her, Anderson dismissed her. Shepard wished she was a fresh cadet again, with nothing to think about except her next order. She wanted the responsibility of the galaxy taken from her; the weight of it bent her back to breaking. Even in the Reds, when it was a bare-knuckled fight for survival she had always had clear goals, the world was black or white: kill or be killed, steal or starve. Life was so much simpler when it was painted in broad strokes. Thieves and murderers weren't in a position to criticize her life choices.

Shepard threw on her mended Cerberus jacket and went down to the med bay.

Chakwas was at her desk, typing on her computer. She swivelled in her chair when the she heard Shepard's footsteps.

"Hi." Shepard gave her a lopsided weary smile, showing her the busted wrist.

Chakwas' face fell. "Oh _Shepard._ Again?"

Shepard shrugged.

Chakwas led her over to one of the beds to sit, and got out her micro-surgery equipment. Chakwas rubbed the wrist in a medical disinfectant, and Shepard couldn't help wincing. The doctor made a comforting noise under her breath and laid down a sterile sheet on a pillow, propping Shepard's arm on it. She handed Shepard a small cup of painkillers to her supreme displeasure and sour face.

Chakwas just looked back steadily and raised a fine eyebrow. Shepard swallowed them without further complaint.

Chakwas wheeled over a stool and settled next to Shepard's arm to begin her work.

"So what did you do this time? Punch someone?"

Shepard thought of the red mark on Kaidan's face. "Ah no. Well yes, but that's not how I broke it. Kind of fell over and caught myself badly."

Chakwas made a noncommittal hum in answer.

In a moment Shepard felt the prick of a local anaesthetic and blessed relief stole over her arm.

Chakwas didn't look up from her work when she spoke. "Are you ok? When I was fixing Garrus up, he seemed to think you were angry. Did something happen?"

Shepard turned her head to face the wall; the sight of her arm being fixed made her queasy. "Yeah. I'm alright. I-I just met up with Kaidan down there. It was...Well, it didn't go the way I imagined."

"Oh." Chakwas didn't seem pleased at all. "He didn't take it well?"

"No. He was angry, so was I. We weren't exactly civil to each other." Sweat had broken out on Shepard's forehead, despite looking away from her arm and the dulling of painkillers the procedure was uncomfortably reminding her of her time on a med slab as a lab rat. The topic of conversation wasn't helping, she just felt like crying again in frustration. Instead she dug the nails of her other hand into her palms.

"Kaidan...he was never great at hiding what he felt for you. I was at the funeral too, you know." Still, Chakwas' head was bent over Shepard's wrist, her micro-surgery tool holographic light glowing orange on her white hair.

Shepard felt another stab of annoyance. "Oh, guess that means you're another person who knows?" Chakwas nodded. "Shit. Well, guess we weren't fooling anyone in the galaxy."

There was an awkward silence, full of things unsaid.

"You disapprove, I take it?" Shepard voice was clipped.

"Yes, I do. Things like this complicate the chain of command. I've seen it time and time again. Frankly I was surprised at him."

"What?" Shepard laughed humourlessly. "_Not_ me?"

"_Please _Commander. You may have respected the Alliance, but you've never let the rules stand in the way of what you wanted. Or what needed to be done."

"...No. I guess not."

Silence returned and Shepard felt no need to fill it.

"There, all done." Chakwas stood, adjusting the wrist wrap she'd put on. It was an inflexible material that would hold her wrist in position, much like plaster in the old days. "It still needs to heal, the serum I applied should knit them quickly but it will be weak. Try to avoid punching anyone for a couple of weeks, alright?"

Shepard turned her head back from the wall, examining her now bandaged wrist. She was glad the break hadn't been bad. Fervently she thanked modern medicine - without it she would have been out of commission for weeks. She couldn't afford that. With medi-gel and Chakwas' excellent care it would only take days.

Shepard stood, a little woozy from the painkillers but her steps were steady. She needed a drink to fix her dry mouth, but the Illusive Man would be waiting.

"Shepard?" Chakwas called as Shepard got to the door. She half turned towards her.

"Let an old woman give you her advice: just try and forget. There's no use dwelling on 'could have been'. Believe me. Sometimes it's best not to know."

"Really? You think so?" Shepard was doubtful. How could she forget his face? His voice? His kindness? Everything they had meant to one another.

"There's no need to drag yourself through such pain. You have enough on your plate with these Collectors. Just focus on your mission." Chakwas sounded like she spoke from experience and Shepard wondered for the first time about the doctor's personal life.

"I'm surprised you'd say that. I would have thought you'd be the 'better to have loved and lost' kind of person."

"If you manage to find me that brandy maybe I'll tell you about my torrid affair with a Rear Admiral." Chakwas winked, a small cheeky smile lifting the corner of her mouth.

"Doctor Chakwas! You dirty hypocrite."

Chakwas' smile faded, and her eyes appraised Shepard seriously. "Ah. I _am_ uniquely positioned to tell you: just leave it alone, Shepard. The only thing they leave you with is regret." She looked terribly sad and Shepard resolved to search high and low for her brandy. She needed to hear _that_ story.

"Thanks for the advice, Doc."

Shepard left wondering at how she never really thought about Chakwas having a love life. She always just had been the Doctor of the _Normandy _to Shepard. She wondered if she knew who ever it was and how it had ended; Shepard figured messily judging by Chakwas' current disinclination towards fraternizing.

'_Maybe Hackett was a lady killer in his day…That sly fox._'

The thought of someone like Hackett and Chakwas making passionate love had her shaking her head as she crossed the mess. She had never wanted that mental image of Hackett in her brain.

'_Vodka. Need vodka. But first Pain-in-the-Ass Man.'_

The Illusive Man was tapping his fingers against his chair impatiently as she finally scanned in.

"Shepard, you took your time. Miranda said you had some trouble on Horizon?"

"You don't need me to tell you again, you know what went down. The Collectors took half the colony." She said icily.

"It's better than the entire colony. The Collectors will be more careful now but I think we can find another way to lure them in."

"'Lure'?! What do you mean?!" She said indignantly.

He said nothing and just took another puff of his cigarette.

"You _used_ Kaidan, didn't you? You leaked to the Collectors that he would be there. You son of a bitch." Shepard hissed.

As usual, he barely blinked at her hostility. "We suspected that the Collectors were looking for people connected to you. Now I know for certain."

"He was nearly taken! I don't care who you are, or what game you're playing but you don't use people I care about like that!"

"You're too emotional, too sloppy. Miranda said you had words. Can I assume you've put the past behind you?" He asked.

"None of your damn business. I'll just do my job and you stay out of my life." Shepard turned, fed up with the conversation and his smarmy attitude.

"Don't you walk away from me, Shepard." He commanded, his tone instantly expecting her to obey. "The Collectors are bigger than your sordid relationship. You have a responsibility to all humanity, not one person."

Shepard stopped. Despite her distaste for him she recognised the harsh truth in his words. In the long run Chakwas was right, Kaidan needed to be forgotten.

"I'm sending along more dossiers. Your team needs to be strong as does their resolve."

"I'll take care of it." Shepard nodded.

"Be careful, Shepard. The Collectors are watching you."

He didn't need to say '_I'll be watching you too'_.

Shepard got the message loud and clear.

* * *

Shepard burst into Port Observation, startling Kasumi who looked up from her book.

"Oh! Hi Shep."

"Hey Kasumi. Borrowing some vodka." Shepard walked over to the bar, rifled around on the shelf and then triumphantly held up the clear bottle.

'_Hello there, my best friend._'

"Err, ok then. Want some company? I still need to brief you on Hock's heist." Kasumi stood from the couch, her full lips quirked in a smile.

"Not really." Shepard deadpanned.

"Um alright then."

Shepard sighed, mentally slapping herself. "Sorry, sorry. I promise I'll be totally with you tomorrow. Just...I need tonight."

"Men trouble?" Kasumi smiled wickedly.

Shepard almost choked on the swig she was taking from the bottle. "What? No! How does _everyone_ hear this shit!?"

"It's a small ship, Shep. I hear everything."

Shepard rolled her eyes, and Kasumi smirked wider.

"I looked him up on the extranet. Cute, I like your tastes. Of course Keji was better looking but I wouldn't kick your Commander Alenko out of bed either."

"Kasumi!" Despite Kasumi's teasing Shepard actually felt her lips quirking in a reluctant smile. She was sure the pain meds were helping mixed with the vodka but she didn't care. The little black raincloud, that had been with her since Kaidan pulled away from her kiss, got a little bit smaller.

"Here, let me pour you a drink. We can commiserate over stupid men who leave." Kasumi came and gently took the bottle out of Shepard's hand. She started mixing something brightly colored on the bar.

"He didn't leave. I guess we just...kind of left each other."

"Oh, that's the worst. Sorry Shep. Want me to tell you how much a bastard he is and put on my pyjamas too?"

A small laugh burst from Shepard's lips, no matter how much she tried to press them together seriously. She liked Kasumi, her sense of humor. She was just about the only optimistic person on the ship.

Together they sat on the couch with violently-colored drinks and got progressively more drunk. Shepard was amazed she was letting her guard down with someone besides Garrus. '_But_', she reasoned '_why not?_' Kasumi wasn't Cerberus and her cheerful disposition in spite of losing the love of her life was comforting to Shepard. She couldn't remember when she had last laughed, and the last time she had felt such friendly companionship was with Ash. Kaidan wasn't her friend, everything was too charged with them, a minefield of confused emotions and sexual tension. Garrus was her brother, but she felt like he wouldn't understand her more wild outbursts. And she was pretty sure he wouldn't like to hear what Kaidan was like in bed.

Kasumi's laugh was just like her personality, quiet but unrestrained. She was almost bent double on the couch, her glass tipping precariously.

Shepard could barely see straight. The pain meds and alcohol were her favorite thing in the galaxy.

"So then, so then I-I said: 'Shhh you big i-idiot! If Wrex hears you he'll open the door, and then he'll have to ask why humans don't have a quad'. He was a bit quieter after that. And we didn't get caught, I am a-an awesome Spectre, all stealthy-like." Shepard slurred.

"Shepard, you are not! You are the least stealthy person I know." The thief paused and took a sip of her drink. "Including Zaeed when he's been drinking."

"I so am, shut up". Shepard grinned. The hole in her chest hadn't eased but this was so much better than drinking alone in her cabin. This was better than wallowing in her rage and guilt. Shepard felt a sudden rush of affection for her cobbled-together crew, even cantankerous Zaeed and chirpy Kelly.

She would take Chakwas' advice and do her best to forget him, to forget everything. They had a good time and now it was over. She had her memories to hold onto, like Kasumi. It was probably for the best, there were no guarantees she would survive this mission anyway.

Hours later she stumbled to bed, leaving Kasumi asleep on her couch. The world lurched precariously and when she saw Kaidan's face-down picture again, her determinedly-happy bubble popped.

"You bastard. You utter bastard. You can go back to your stupid Alliance. It won't keep you warm at night, you stupid idiot." She was ranting at a picture, the ridiculousness of the situation lost on her drunken mind.

"See Kaidan?!" She yelled as she went down the small stairs to her bedroom. "I have this whole big bed to myself. I never wanted you in it anyway. Your feet are too cold and you hog the blankets. So I am totally happy you are gone. Chakwas is right; you would have just broken my heart anyway. So you can piss right off."

Shepard threw herself on the bed, and childishly scooped up all the blankets to wrap around her, a point made to a man that wouldn't hear it.

"Yeah, you're stupid anyway." She angrily wiped away new tears and in minutes passed out in a fitful sleep.

She dreamt of creatures with glowing eyes and angry words.

Only three hours later she awoke, her stomach ravenously hungry and her head pounding with a headache. Her eyes felt swollen.

Groaning, knowing she couldn't sleep while being so hungry she trudged down to the mess, not even caring that her shirt was half hanging off one shoulder. It was like a sugar crash when she forgot to eat enough, she felt groggy and stupid. Thankfully she'd burned off most of the alcohol and was mostly sober.

It was only the skeleton crew on duty, the middle of the sleep cycle quieting the ship.

But she was surprised enough to stop for a moment when entering the mess she spied Miranda at the table. The lights were dim; she could only just make out her profile. He head was resting in her hands, and her shoulders were bowed. A cup of coffee rested in front of her, steaming but untouched.

Shepard was flabbergasted at seeing her composure broken.

"What's wrong with you? Illusive Man tear into you again?"

Miranda jumped surprised.

"Shepard! What are you doing up?"

"I'm as hungry as a Thresher Maw." Shepard padded over to the small kitchenette, and grabbed the massive packet of cereal on which she'd written 'SHEPARD'S. DON'T TOUCH' in large letters.

Sensing Miranda could use an ear, and feeling unusually affected by Miranda's sad face she sat beside her at the table.

"So spill. What's got you looking so freaked." Shepard said, shovelling cereal in her mouth. Miranda eyed her with mild disgust, but sighed and seemed to come to a decision.

"It's my sister..."

Shepard felt her perceptions of Miranda changing as she told Shepard about what she'd done to keep her sister safe from her controlling father. Suddenly her staunch loyalty to Cerberus wasn't so surprising. Shepard understood exactly how far she would go for a younger sibling.

Shepard had always taken care of her crew, even the prickly ones.

"I'll help you, Miranda."

Miranda's eyes radiated gratitude. "You will? I know you and I don't get along all the time but...thank you."

"Don't get all nice on me now. Also I'm sorry about before, on Horizon. I was probably out of line speaking to you like that." Shepard shrugged, uncomfortable with admitting she was wrong.

"No, it's fine Commander. I was prying. It's just, I was surprised. I spent so long, leaning every inch of your skin. I regrew your hair, follicle by follicle and I still missed something."

Miranda was pouting again. Shepard examined her face, unaccustomed to the sudden disappearance of her ever-present arrogance.

"You know how I survived Akuze? The real story, not the ones they make up to look good." Shepard said abruptly. She thought if she didn't say it quickly, she'd lose her nerve.

Miranda nodded and Shepard put aside her cereal, no longer hungry.

"I hid. I thought my whole squad was dead. So I found a rock, like an overhang and I squeezed under it. I was terrified, and I was alone. So I did what I had to. It wasn't very brave but it was all I could do."

"I didn't know that either." Miranda said, quietly.

"I'm supposed to be this big bad Commander, but I feel things just like everyone else. And so do you. I can see that you really care for Oriana. You not half a big a bitch as I thought, or that you pretend to be."

Miranda leaned back in her chair, her face thoughtful.

"She's so young. She has her whole life to be free of him and I want that for her. She was only a baby when he was making plans for her. I had to save her..."

"So you stole her as a baby?" Shepard asked, a hint of disapproval coloring her voice. Miranda hadn't mentioned that in her story.

"It wasn't kidnapping, she wouldn't have any sort of a life without me. I saved her." Miranda answered defensively. There was a tiny crease between her brows.

Shepard let it go, it happened years ago and there was no going back in time. Her head was still pounding distractingly. "I guess you're right. The parents you're born with are sometimes the last people who should be parents, I know that. Mine sucked."

Shepard wouldn't tell Miranda more than that. That wound was forever too raw. The one person she told, had thrown everything back in her face.

Shepard stood, heading towards the elevator.

"I'm going to sleep now; I'll get Joker to head to Illium tomorrow after we refuel."

"Goodnight, Shepard." Miranda's voice trailed after her, so quiet Shepard barely heard it.


	11. Minagen X3

_Hello readers. Sorry for the slightly longer than usual delay, RL kicked my butt a little. I hope you enjoy this chapter, and as always, I would love to hear what you think. Thanks!_

* * *

Shepard had never been much of an early morning person. She tolerated them; she learned to live with them. They were a begrudged necessary evil of a military life.

Kaidan had always annoyed her; he'd always bounced up ready to go first thing, no matter the hour. He would be down on the floor, a set of sit-ups, push-ups and then he would shovel a large healthy breakfast into his mouth. Shepard would watch with amusement at the table, eating her own far less healthy meal. She had teased him about his fastidiousness but she didn't deny she liked the effect the exercise regime had on his body. Shepard still kind of wanted to smother him with a pillow when he had teased and prodded her awake, though. Shore leave was her time to be a civilian who did things like sleep-in to decadent hours.

_"Shepard, a quick start is better for you, you know." _

_He says it from the floor beside her bed. She cracks open one eye, admiring the sheen of sweat glistening on his skin but is otherwise unmoved. She shuts her eye again. He laughs quietly at her, no doubt amused by her curly bed hair and rumpled, murderous expression. The sun is slanting through the massive bay windows, dancing on her eyelids and turning the darkness behind them a soft red._

_"It gets your heart pumping and your brain working." He puffs in the middle of another rep._

_She leans over the edge of the bed, peering down into his bright, happy face. "My brain doesn't care right now. And I have my own personal heart pumper right here..." She shimmies down, half falling off the side of the bed, wiggling like a lazy slug to kiss him full on the mouth, sleepy and sloppy. _

_They're both laughing; his eyes crinkle at the corners. He tastes like peppermint toothpaste and their noses bump together. A slightly too enthusiastic kiss sends her falling off the edge to land on him. His breath puffs out in an "Ompf". The blankets pool around them like soft waves and Shepard wants to build a pillow fort and hide in here with him forever. She doesn't get off him though, content to lie on his chest and think about sleeping again._

_Early morning sunlight dances across their skin, he's tanned, she's freckled and they're both healthy. She thinks this is the closest to perfection, the closest to the truest and uncomplicated happiness she has ever felt. _

_She can hear his heartbeat, slightly quickened from exercise or maybe it's just her. It's soothing. _

_"You won't get any less sleepy just lying there." Contrary to his words, Kaidan doesn't move either; he just wraps his arms around her and briefly kisses the top of her hair._

_"You won't be getting _any_ if you don't shh." She lifts her head to gaze into his eyes, turned amber by the sun. He is smirking at her and she notes that he needs to shave, but somehow the rough beard makes him look boyish and carefree._

_She knows she loves him, against reason and rules._

_"Uh aye, Ma'am." He mock salutes and Shepard has to muffle her laughter with the back of her hand. She thought she would never get tired of them being together like this. _

_He made her laugh, he loved her and she loved him._

_Everything was so simple._

The morning of docking at Illium she decided to take Kaidan's advice and start her day bracingly by waking a krogan from cryo-sleep. Kaidan was right; a little scuffle with a baby krogan did start her day off energized. Her neck goddamn _hurt _though, Grunt had smashed her pretty hard into a wall and at one point almost crushed her throat. She paid Grunt back by flinging him across the room with a thrust of her hand; he had seemed to respect the tough approach and she earned his promise to help her with the Collectors.

As she hurried to disembark via the airlock she kept rubbing her neck. Swallowing was difficult and for a moment it felt like she couldn't breathe and she was suddenly transported to the time she was being spaced. A red haze clouded her brain, '_it's so cold and I never wanted this. I never got to say goodbye...'_

Heedless of anyone watching she stopped in the CIC with her hands on her knees, breathing in determinedly-calming gulps of air. It would be far worse for morale to faint dead away.

"Commander, are you okay?" It was Kelly, her voice gentle the way one might speak to a wounded animal.

Shepard stood straight, sternly telling herself not to be so damn stupid. This was embarrassing and she was sick of feeling weak.

"I'm fine." She barked. "I just got a little winded from the...err walk."

Kelly's eyes were far too knowing so Shepard just ignored her, heading again to the airlock.

Shepard hated being physically restrained or someone attempting to intimidate her with their size. No one was ever allowed to do that anymore. She didn't feel an ounce of guilt for the large bruise on Grunt's small krogan head.

She shook her head, trying to work up a nice little temper. She worked better when she had some adrenaline and single-minded determination. The Justicar was an unknown quantity and she wanted to be prepared to give it her all.

'_Bet you're having fun on the Citadel, right Kaidan? Doing your perfect little exercises and your perfect little Alliance boy scout job while I get my hands dirty._'

She stubbornly clung to the part of her brain that thought mean things of Kaidan. He could go do his sit-ups in a black hole for all she cared.

'_You don't mean that. You miss him already. You worry about him every second you're awake and then you dream of him._'

"Shut up."

"Pfft. They were right about you, you know. You are fucking cracked." An acerbic voice spat.

Shepard didn't realize she had told herself to shut up until Jack's voice startled her. She was leaning against the airlock, smoking, and Shepard had walked right past her.

"No smoking on my ship. And I'm not crazy."

"Notice the denial of craziness was only the second thing you jumped to? Don't worry, sweetness. We're all mad here." Jack said. There was a feral, sarcastic quirk to her pretty red lips.

Shepard sighed, grabbed the cigarette to throw away and shooed Jack out of the airlock.

"Maybe it's dealing with this ship full of crazies that makes me insane?" Shepard said as the two of them headed to the Illium space port.

"Nah. You were nuts before, it's just the whole galaxy sees it now." Jack shrugged. She hefted her shotgun across her shoulders, making a group of salarians titter nervously. Jack made a vulgar gesture at them and Shepard couldn't help smiling.

"That's what it's like with good girls like you." Jack continued, seemingly in a talkative mood. "Once you fall off your pedestal, you have no fucking clue."

Shepard eyed her curiously as they walked. Jack had never shown much interest in speaking to her.

"I'm hardly a good girl. I've done things I'm not proud of and my reputation wasn't exactly stellar before." Shepard replied.

"Sure, Akuze. But that was more like 'oh poor little dear, all her squad killed' than 'wow you are a crazy bitch'."

Shepard shrugged. She'd spent years in the shadow of Akuze and recognized the harsh truth in Jack's words. Shepard didn't dare mention her childhood to Jack, afraid that the fractious biotic would see it as some trite attempt at bonding over rough upbringings. Shepard didn't flatter herself to compare a tenth of what she went through to Jack's brutal torture.

Jack turned her shaved head away from Shepard, looking with disgust at Illium's pretty skyline. "We've all done some shit we're not proud of. The difference is: I don't apologize for it. But deep down you still want to save everyone, you want to help them."

"What wrong with that?"

"It'll destroy you in the end." Jack said with a strange sort of finality, spinning to look Shepard in the eye.

"I'm no innocent, I've killed before and I'll do it again." Shepard argued.

"No, you haven't. You've defended people, it's what a soldier does. You'll fucking gut someone who gets in your way of saving someone, but that isn't murder. You lack the killer instinct. You're still too much of a girl scout, you're soft."

Shepard didn't know what to say, she'd never thought of herself as intrinsically good. Any noble tasks were within the purview of the Alliance; she followed orders and got the job done. She was scared it would be the only thing stopping the little voice in her head that said she could take what she wanted.

Just like Jack. A psychotic biotic.

Shepard licked her lips, her mouth suddenly dry and an uncomfortable feeling blooming in her chest. "Maybe I like it that way. It makes you feel better to make others happier."

"Huh. You are such a pussy for a space marine. You aren't everyone's mom running around 'fixing' them."

_'I'm thirty-two, Shepard, and you don't serve as long as I have without coming to terms with yourself. You also learn that...if someone is special to you, you help them. Try to keep them from making mistakes.' _Shepard thought of Kaidan's words when she asked if she could help fix him, back when she thought their flirting was innocent, just something she looked forward to each day. She had never underestimated her own feelings so much.

_'You're thirty four now and I still feel twenty nine...well according to Alliance records. Does aging count when you're dead?'_

Shepard sighed unhappily. "No, I'm not. But-"

"Commander Shepard?" A pretty asari in a cleavage bearing dress interrupted.

Shepard's carefully ordered morning of krogan wrestling and psyching herself up to go after an asari Justicar was turned on its head by another old friend.

Liara was on Illium and she had paid their docking fees.

Shepard told Jack to inform the rest of the team to standby and the tattooed woman wandered off in the direction of a bar. Shepard ignored her annoyance at her lack of discipline and far too insightful and cutting comments while she rushed to Liara's office. Liara was her dear sweet friend, someone she could trust. They would be able to talk; she would be understanding and kind to Shepard.

She was shamed enough to admit to herself that she desperately wanted a little kindness, somewhere soft to rest her head for a moment.

Again, reality never quite measured up to Shepard's expectations.

Liara had turned cold and distant. Shepard wanted it all to stop, it was too much after Kaidan, she wanted her old _Normandy_ back. Instead she ran around doing favors for Liara, even recruiting Garrus to help her hack into terminals. She thought maybe if she helped, Liara would magically turn back into her old self, that sweet little asari scientist.

Instead, after helping her find the Observer she walked into the information office to see Liara biotically warp her secretary Nyxeris's head inwards. It was…grotesque. Shepard had killed that way many times, but to see sweet Liara do it made her want to throw up her breakfast.

Liara stood over the body, not a hint of remorse or sorrow on her face. Together they cleaned up. It was surprisingly easy on Illium to get rid of a body quietly. The carpet remained stained with blood.

"Liara. This anger you have...it can't be just what you told me." Shepard said as they settled back into Liara's office.

Liara seemed to consider this for a moment, arguing with herself. Shepard could see her bite her lip the way she used to when she was thinking. "Your body, I'm the one who gave it to Cerberus."

Shepard stood from her chair in front of Liara's desk. She didn't even know why, she didn't know what to say.

_'Liara. You did this to me?'_

Liara seemed to sense her thoughts. "I had to. I screwed it up, I barely escaped with my own life. I had to rescue you from the Shadow Broker."

"So you just- I'm sorry but how could you ever think I'd want that!? I'm a fucking zombie!" Shepard was gobsmacked, confused and furious. Her voice was too loud, abrasive for the quiet office but she couldn't stop.

_'Liara...Liara, how could you?'_

"The Shadow Broker was going to sell your corpse to the Collectors."

"...Oh my god." Shepard sat back down, trying to breath normally. The Collectors? What would they have done with her body, her genetic material? Why were they after her? The one called Harbinger had frightened her on Horizon.

"This is all your doing, Liara? This...This bullshit I'm putting up with the Illusive Man? His manoeuvrings, his veiled threats?" Shepard asked, amazed at one of her closest friends being responsible.

"Yes, Shepard. I did it for a chance to bring you back. I knew Cerberus would use you but...I-I c-couldn't let you go." Liara had tears in her eyes, but she didn't let a single one fall.

"I'm sorry."

"Did you tell anyone about what you'd done?" Shepard asked, desperate that Liara wouldn't be so underhanded, so disingenuous. So cold, like her mother. "Did...Did you speak to Kaidan? About anything?"

Liara shook her head.

"Liara. You sit here and you play with your information, selling and trading lives. But you sold my life, you handed me over. And I know you saved me. I-I am...glad to be alive. But it doesn't erase what happened. Cerberus has me and I don't know how to get them to let go, the situation-"

Shepard snapped her jaw shut. She had no idea how to communicate to Liara about how she felt. It was churlish to complain about being saved from death...but how it was done was unacceptable to Shepard. It was why she was forced to work for terrorists.

Shepard crossed her arms over her chest, gazing past Liara and her holographic screens to study the Illium skyline, her earlier mirror of Jack lost on her. "It was my body and i-it belonged wholly to me. I don't know...there was a freedom in that. It doesn't feel like that anymore."

Liara said nothing, but her face was pained. Shepard thought maybe she didn't know the right words either.

"Regardless of your intentions, selfish or not, things were stolen from me that I'll never get back." Shepard sighed, thinking of Kaidan's back as he walked away. "My years, relationships, even my job. I just don't know...I need to get to work." Shepard turned to walk away.

"Shepard-"

"I'll talk to you later, Liara. Take care." Shepard said, heartfelt even in her anger with Liara. She cared for her still; she just didn't think she could bear to look at her for a while without saying something that would damage their friendship irrevocably.

Shepard didn't think she'd have any more trouble working up motivation and rage for the Justicar recruitment. Her blood hummed with it, she was sick to death of secrets and lies, especially those who claimed to care about her.

She, Jack and Garrus tore through the Eclipse mercs in the back alley crime scene. Jack was a force of nature, bigger than even Shepard and she struggled to match the pure rage and power of Jack's biotics.

Shepard felt an exhilarating rush of adrenaline as she dashed aside an Eclipse sister's Warp, her hand coated in protective blue. The enemy Warp was deflected to smash into some trashcans; they exploded like confetti raining down on the battlefield.

Asari were her favorite to fight, able to match her move for move in a blue dance of gravitational forces. Shepard and Jack were in their element. Garrus wasn't having it so easy, having to hang back to avoid being pulled into the air. More than once she had to free him from a Singularity, his mandibles flapping in displeasure. Shepard made a mental note to buy him a drink; lately he'd been distant and bitterly revenge-driven. Her own issues had distracted her and she guiltily felt like she'd neglected him. They would have to take care of Sidonis soon.

The scuffle through the back alley was thankfully brief and they reached where their own quarry hunted another.

Samara was the most beautiful and cold being Shepard had ever seen. She had never been much for asari, not really understanding Kaidan's little fetish for them.

But she understood it now.

Samara was charismatic and arresting with seemingly no effort, Shepard's stare was helplessly drawn to her like a moth to flame.

Since Garrus, she'd never felt more enthusiastic about recruiting someone for the team. It was the only reason Shepard let go of Samara's casual murder of the Eclipse captain. Her black and white morality held a certain appeal to Shepard, for a moment she almost wished her life was governed so simply. A inflexible Code seemed liked such an elegant solution to life's grey and muddy areas.

Samara had her own mission, one she would not abandon despite Shepard's request.

"Would you leave your responsibilities if you had the choice, no matter whom begged?" Samara asked. Shepard's mind flashed to Kaidan's armor, glinting in the sun as he left and her rebuttal failed. Samara was right, Shepard would never abandon her duty again, not after learning what happens to those left behind. "We all must bear our burdens, Shepard. This mission is personal and necessary. I will not leave innocents in danger." Samara continued, studying Shepard's face. She couldn't help squirming under her gaze. Samara's voice was almost musical to Shepard; she wished she could sound half as elegant and in control.

The asari detective, Anyala, interrupted them. She would be forced by her superiors to detain Samara, and would most certainly be massacred. Shepard instantly made a sincere promise to learn the name of the ship Samara needed to know, and was grateful that Samara backed down enough to accompany the detective to her station. Shepard had not been looking forward to testing her biotics against the Justicar in the detective's defense. She was sure it would not end in her favor; Shepard knew she was good but not _that_ good and did not have a _second_ death wish.

It was how she found herself raiding an Eclipse base filled with biotics-boosting chemicals. The Eclipse had smuggled the thing Samara had been hunting and Shepard would _make_ them tell her.

Shepard checked her pistol and medi-gel supplies. A deep breath and she was ready.

It was a lot like their early tussle with the Eclipse: she and Jack would charge ahead taking out the stronger biotics, mostly the older asari, and Garrus would hang back scoring headshots.

They made their way through systematically and Shepard couldn't help comparing the clean lines and relatively technology-rich base to the old Tenth Street Reds warehouse.

'_Shit, I was slumming it, if this is how well-equipped gangs live..._' She thought with a hint of wry amusement. Leave it to her to pick the poorest gang to run with.

Asari, it seemed, even knew how to run gangs in style; the Reds had a hard time even keeping vermin out, let alone multiple tech consoles and VI mechs.

A side room they burst into contained a young asari. It seemed to Shepard that she was scared out of her wits. Her eyes were round and innocent.

Jack, as ever, ignored the pleas of the asari, snarling: "You're in an enemy uniform and I'm gonna kill you!"

Shepard stepped in front of her brandished shotgun, lowering it with her hand. "Jack, shut it. Look at her; she's not really a part of the gang. It was probably the only way she could survive."

Shepard turned to face the asari. "Right?"

The fledgling Eclipse nodded fervently and earnestly. "Oh yes! I was forced to join, I've never even killed anyone!"

"Go on, get out of here then." She waved her pistol in the direction of the exit, hustling her out.  
"And try to stay out of trouble, ok?" Shepard called after her retreating back, hoping she'd learned a lesson.

Jack spat on the ground, her face twisted at Shepard. "Fuck, you're naive. What are you, twelve? That's gonna bite you right in the ass."

Shepard rolled her eyes at Jack, sick of her jaded attitude problem. "No, it won't. Can't you see that she just wanted to escape?"

Jack huffed, cocking her shotgun again and heading out the door to continue on. "The only thing I saw was you being a fucking pussy as usual." She threw the comment over her retreating shoulder.

Shepard sighed. "Move on."

Everything went fine, they were methodical and careful...until she took cover by a crate of the drug they were smuggling, Minagen X3, and a stray shot exploded the container in her face. On reflex she inhaled, sucking the powder into her lungs. She coughed but it was no use, already she could feel -

_Stars burst behind her eyelids, a jolt singing its way through her nervous system. Her mutant eezo nodules chorused in euphoria. _

_It was like the best sex she'd ever had, a heady rush of biotics and the finest alcohol all rolled into one. It was pure power and pleasure._

A wave of her hand was suddenly more powerful than her best Throws, her Barrier was practically impenetrable. Her Singularity was massive, all-consuming and her implant hummed. She had no sense of self-preservation anymore, no fear, no inhibition. She dashed across the room, her higher thought processes completely gone.

_'Magic, magic! Let's play the game, Sammy!'_

There was only blue and pleasure and the burn of her muscles. There were only blue humanoid shapes, yellow uniforms, endless corridors and the sweet tang of the red dust. There was only blood and shattering bones, and_ 'oh my god. I never want to stop feeling this way-'_

Someone was calling her name. It might have been Garrus. She liked Garrus, he was her friend.

"Shepard! Shepard! Stop, you're going to get yourself killed!"

Someone was tugging her arm; it was red for some reason. Was it blood?

_'So little Red, when are you and me going to have some fun? You're not so little anymore...'_

_He was touching her; it made her insides squirm like the weevils she'd sometimes find in the only food she could afford for her family. 'Leave me alone, Kowalski. Don't touch me.'_

_Blood gushing over her hands, it was bright red. Far brighter than she'd expected, it must have been an artery. She hadn't meant to push him over that hard. He deserved what he got._

"Don't touch me!" She didn't want the strong, taloned hand gripping her arm so tight, it hurt. She waved her arm, flaring blue preparing to make it go away, when someone else grabbed her other arm.

"Shit, Garrus. She's fucking high as a kite, look at her pupils." It was that small woman, the one called Jack. Shepard didn't like her as much as Garrus, she was cruel sometimes.

Garrus made a groaning kind of noise, as if this was the last thing he had wanted to happen today. Why wouldn't he want this? It was fantastic. Maybe she could convince Garrus? They could have some fun...Kaidan wouldn't want to, he hated her. The drugs would make his L2 stroke out or something.

"Alright. Ok, we'll have to handle this. Shepard? Shepard? It's me, Garrus. I am going to relieve you of command until you're back to normal."

Shepard balked, the grey corridor coming back into focus. There was a red smear further down that might have once been an asari. "What? No, no you're not. This is...This is my command. I can handle it."

Through a red haze she could see Garrus shoot Jack an uncertain look and she was angry again. She wouldn't have fun with Garrus, he was a traitor.

"Just point me in the right direction! I can still fight!" She yelled. It should be obvious to them that she could handle herself.

Jack sniffed derisively. "You really are a girl scout. You can't handle this. You've never taken drugs, have you?"

_Mom's teeth were falling out. Shepard was hungry again and Milo was crying._

A sort of reluctant sobriety fell over Shepard, like a gush of ice water cooling her fire. "No. I'll be fine. We just need to finish here."

Shepard was a terrible liar, she was not fine. She could think clearer but her heart felt like it was beating in her ears, she couldn't stay still for more than two seconds, bouncing from cover to cover. Little whirls and flares of dark energy sparked from her hands uncontrollably.

It only got worse when they found the recording of Elnora, the merc she had let go. She had played Shepard like a fiddle; she'd murdered the volus and was cold enough to brag about it.

"I told you, you stupid bitch!" Jack screamed at her.

Shepard didn't care. She _was_ a stupid bitch, she never learned.

"Fuck off, Jack. Just shut your mouth and do your job."

Garrus cut in, whispering something to Jack that made her stalk to the corner and light a cigarette. She watched Shepard with hostility, her eyes lit with the glow of her cigarette like brown embers.

Garrus' small eyes were worried and he looked tired, his scar making him look even more ragged. "Shepard, you're out of-"

"I don't wanna hear it, Garrus. Let's just kill these bitches and get Samara." Shepard didn't bother waiting for them; she skidded into the next room and thrust a Singularity at more mercs. A second later a Warp blew them apart. She was an idiot, naive and stupid. And it made her so damn angry.

The leader Wasea was a dead woman, she just didn't know it yet. Shepard stormed into the main warehouse, shoving over a small volus on the way. She never even gave Wasea time to react, already emptying a clip into her shields and following it up by biotically picking up a crate, Wasea barely dodging in time. It smashed into a wall, hard enough to leave a dent in the metal.

The room looked like the inside of a fish bowl in minutes, detritus floated by like ugly metal goldfish. Shepard practically bounced off the walls, mass was a non-existent entity. She didn't know what she was doing one minute to the next. It was a primal battle for survival, base and addictive.

Crates of sickly red-colored Minagen X3 burst everywhere. Shepard didn't even bother trying not to inhale it. She wanted that pleasant oblivion back. It barely seemed to affect Jack, she looked clear-eyed...well as much as she ever did.

The burn of Shepard's muscles, the sting of her implant felt...good.

_He slides himself inside her, her heart is bursting. The pithy organic organ can't hold all that she feels for this man. When she reaches her peak, her brain supernovas, a small, perfect death._

_'You know what I love about you?' His voice is teasing, husky and quiet._

_She smiles, almost shyly. 'What?' She whispers. _

_His smile is her whole world. 'Everything.'_

_'Everything_, _even the Reapers_, _will come around again_._ But you and I - we - are important right now.'_

Shepard was dying in the best way. She could feel her lips stretching in a pained, manic grin. She was covered in blood, a mix of her own and others.

In a second she was across the room, she was so _fast_, throwing the Eclipse into a wall with her body. The back of Wasea's head smacked into it, her blue face dazed, and Shepard was on her, pinning her by the throat. Wasea struggled but it was no use. Shepard was too strong; a phoenix does not rise from her ashes weaker. And the ashes of the _Normandy_ SR1 were no regular ashes; she'd survived Saren, the geth, a Reaper. Shepard would survive all. Hate burned in Wasea's eyes, the knowledge that her life would end by Shepard's hand. Wasea was privileged to look into the face of her executioner; it was more than most got. It was more than _Shepard_ had in her first death.

She drew back a blue fire-wreathed hand.

_'She's a drug dealer. She's a murderer.'_

_'Shepard, you make me feel...human.'_

_'Kaidan... Kaidan, help me. It's red and it burns.'_

Shepard couldn't think, the past and present were confused. She was confused.

She didn't want this anymore...

Shepard stopped, her hand poised to deliver the killing blow inches from Wasea's face, close enough for the biotics to lick the merc's skin. Shepard didn't want to execute her like this, against the wall and cowering. It wasn't her. _Not really_.

_'You stupid little girl!' _Someone was yelling in Shepard's head. She hated her.

What happened next she saw in that peculiar sense of time dilation the drug gave her: Wasea pulled a knife aiming it for her belly, Jack raised her shotgun and Wasea's brain matter splattered across Shepard's face. She felt some shrapnel imbed itself in her cheek, a burst of warm blood coating her lips.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, huh? Why didn't you do it!? She almost disembowelled you!" Jack stalked over to her, shoving her by the shoulder. Her face wasn't even angry, just...shocked.

"I'd like to answer that, Jack, I really would; but if you'll excuse me I have to puke my guts up now." Shepard wandered into the corner, and vomited all she'd ate that day into a neat little pile. It was tinted red. Her nose was leaking, her eyes streaming reluctant tears. Her chest and stomach heaved in great shudders.

As soon as her stomach settled, she yanked the small shard of shrapnel out of her face and roughly swiped some medi-gel over her cheek. It would be fine. They had to get Samara on the ship now that they had her information. They had a deal. Shepard needed to get the drugs out of her system.

She was crazy enough without them.

* * *

Once aboard she showed Samara to the Starboard Observation. She didn't even know what she said to her, something about being welcome aboard, or if she had any problems to ask.

Samara turned her cool, silvery eyes on Shepard and she felt like a girl again. It was unnerving, the way Samara seemed to look through her.

She dodged Garrus, and Miranda's concern. She ignored Jack and the ravenous feeling in her stomach. She didn't feel like eating, scared that the walls would move or she'd have more flashbacks. The mess on the old _Normandy _was full of memories; the echo of it on this ship could trigger them in her heightened state.

Shepard went up to her cabin, stripped naked and passed out on her bed. Her cheek leaked blood onto the pillows staining them crimson. Kaidan watched her from the desk. She had turned his frame back up, but she had no memory of doing it.

_'I think about losing you and I can't stand it.'_


	12. Fathers, the Soldier and the Spy

Kaidan sat despondently in the human section of the Zakera Ward at a run-down noodle bar. The chefs chattered to each other in Japanese, his translator picking up scattered words. His own ears recognized a couple of phrases and he tried to pass the time observing how rusty he'd gotten. He had to get out of the house. Kaidan hated the in-between time between missions, it gave him far too much time to think and brood…and the noodles he was picking at tasted terrible.

His apartment felt too quiet, the sparse furnishings were depressing. He sat there all morning trying to work on some reports but had eventually had to escape the oppressive atmosphere. The knowledge that Shepard was out there alive somewhere, had suddenly changed his perspective on almost everything. He had started renting the apartment a year ago, when the Alliance had started sending him on more and more high-risk assignments, and it had initially served him well. There was not a hint of the person who actually lived there, no pictures or decorations, functional and best of all: held no reminders or memories of Shepard.

Now, he couldn't sit still in it. He wanted to be doing something about Cerberus, something about _Shepard_. He kept turning their last conversation on Horizon over and over in his mind, wishing things had gone differently. He wished he hadn't lost his temper, he wished she hadn't lost _hers _so spectacularly. A wry smile twisted his lips at that, and he had to take a sip of his sake to cover it. Shepard had always been such a live wire, Cerberus hadn't changed that. His skin stung for days after she'd slapped him on Horizon; the pain was a stark reminder of her.

Anderson had not been happy to hear his report from Horizon, and not just over the loss of half of the colony. Kaidan had stood in his office over a week ago, giving his report in the most even and coolly professional tone he could manage.

* * *

"…after that we had, uh, w-words and Shepard left with Cerberus. She was accompanied by Garrus Vakarian and a woman named Miranda. Intelligence suggests her to be Miranda Lawson, one of Cerberus' top agents and scientists." Kaidan cursed himself for his little stumble. '_Words_' was a massive understatement; they'd practically had a screaming match. Kaidan didn't even ever _do_ screaming matches. Shepard…she just knew which of his buttons to push exactly.

Anderson seemed to consider his words carefully. His brows were furrowed intensely. "How did Shepard seem to you?"

"Like…like herself, sir. She seemed agitated, but she usually is when she's on a mission." Kaidan answered.

"Hmm." Anderson looked deep in thought, and he got up to pace behind his desk. Kaidan wished he could too, but his professional parade rest helped keep his head clear. It allowed him to recite facts about Shepard like she wasn't a woman he knew every inch of.

"She seemed lucid, sir, I asked whether she was under duress and she responded in the negative. It's really her_, somehow_." He said the last part under his breath, still not understanding what had happened to Shepard in those two years. How could she leave him? Did she go rogue? The woman he'd left on the burning _Normandy_and the woman who had stood in from of him in the field on Horizon did not connect in his mind as the same person. How could it be? The _Normandy_was utterly destroyed.

Anderson was quiet for the moment, he looked engrossed in his own thoughts and Kaidan was suddenly angry with him. He had said Shepard had visited him on the Citadel - he _should _have told Kaidan.

"You seem to have something to say, Commander?" Anderson seemed to sense Kaidan's hostility, lifting his head, from where it was bowed in thought, to look Kaidan in the eyes.

"Permission to speak freely, sir?" Kaidan's tone was clipped. He _di_d want to say something, he couldn't let it go.

Anderson nodded.

"With all due respect: you lied to me, or you omitted information, but that's really the same thing. You said you saw her here on the Citadel before Horizon was hit. Why didn't you tell me? I could have been prepared. She completely threw me for a loop." As Kaidan spoke he thought about Ash's definition of 'all due respect'.

_'Why is it whenever someone says "with all due respect", they really mean "kiss my ass"?'_

Anderson leaned back in the chair, his expression unperturbed despite Kaidan's uncharacteristic outburst. "And that is why I didn't tell you. I wanted your reaction to her to be genuine, to judge whether it was her without my perceptions compromising your honest opinion and first impression."

"But you already suspected it was really her? Not a cyborg, I mean."

Anderson let out a sigh, one that seemed to come from deep inside, a place of worry and heavy burden. "Yes. No one, not even Cerberus' top scientists, can fake that unique pain-in-the-ass she is. I've watched her grow from a scrawny teenager to the extraordinary woman she is. They could not counterfeit her so exactly." Kaidan opened his mouth to protest, annoyed at Anderson for not telling him but he spoke over Kaidan. "_But_ I was concerned that I was just seeing what I wanted to see…desperate to have the woman who was like a daughter to me, back."

Anderson looked years older than his actual age, and Kaidan couldn't exactly blame him. Kaidan hadn't even thought she was real when he had seen her running toward him. The little greys in Anderson's hair mirrored Kaidan's own. Love had made fools of them all.

Anderson's voice suddenly hardened, his famed N7 hardass tone in place. Kaidan unconsciously shifted in his stance. "Now, while we are talking about lies: _you_ lied to me, son. And I don't usually let my officers get away with that. You're lucky I am semi-retired from the Alliance; I would usually note a formal reprimand in your file. "

Kaidan was confused; he was usually unfailingly honest, even to his own detriment. "Sir?"

Anderson looked at him flatly, seemingly very unimpressed by his puzzled expression. "You were having an _affair_. You never mentioned this; you should have recused yourself from the mission. Where is your impartibility-"

'_Oh. He knows. Shit._' His brain scrambled for a moment, trying to think on how to explain, how to not leave him exposed and vulnerable. Kaidan didn't like talking about his relationship with her, it was too private.

"Councillor, I assure you our relationship had no bearing-"

"The hell it didn't! You look me in the eye_, Commander_, and tell me you weren't tempted to join up with her on Horizon." Anderson all but demanded.

Kaidan thought of the line of her jaw, of kissing her again, of waking up beside her, her laugh, her temper.

Kaidan's eyes skittered away from Anderson.

Anderson nodded knowingly as if he didn't expect any different. "I thought so. Shepard…there is something about her, Alenko. She is the most aggravating and hot-headed woman I have ever met, but damn if you can help being drawn to her."

"You don't need to tell me that, sir."

There was a pregnant silence for the moment, each man lost in his memories.

Then when Anderson spoke, his voice was resigned and quietly gentle. "You're in love with her, aren't you, son?"

_'Hey LT, it's a secret so don't tell anyone or I'll have to totally kill ya, but I love you more than the moon and the stars.' She winks at him, just sauntering by him in the Normandy's corridor. When she is happy her sense of humor is decidedly off-color, but it still makes him laugh. _

_He glances around furtively and sees no one so he presses her into the wall to kiss her senseless, bending his head down to fuse his lips to hers._

_ 'I love you, too. More than anything.' He whispers it to the shell of her ear and she giggles into his shoulder._

_They're heading to Alchera tomorrow. She has to disentangle herself from him to do a check-in with Joker and leaves him alone and stupidly in love in the corridor._

Kaidan swallowed, but there was a massive lump in his throat. He supposed that was where all his denials were stuck, the denials he should make to protect his career, to protect Shepard. Anderson wasn't supposed to know, Shepard hadn't wanted him to.

He said nothing, which was answer enough for Anderson.

"You are a damned fool, and her too. She admitted it when she was here, I had my suspicions before during the Saren mess, but I had hoped you would have had an ounce of self-control, at the very least good judgement of your behalf."

"Sorry, sir. I-it kind of just happened. We couldn't help it." Kaidan stammered, aware of the lame excuse and uncomfortably reminded of the girlfriends he had had in high school, before Brain Camp, and meeting their fathers. Only this quasi-father was a N7 and Citadel Councillor who no doubt hid an assault rifle in his office.

There was another awkward silence broken only by the sounds of the fountains outside and distant Presidium bustle. Anderson was the first to break their staring contest, seemingly satisfied by whatever personal test he'd ran Kaidan through.

"It _does_ mean I can trust you, Alenko. You're obviously incorruptible; even Shepard couldn't make you run off to Cerberus with her. God knows she had me wanting to help, but we're needed here, to get the job done _the right way_."

"Yes, sir."

"There's things that need to be done now, we're going to have to work together to bring Shepard in safely somehow. I can assume you have my back on this one?" Kaidan nodded. He would've done anything for her to stop what she was doing, the danger she walked into willingly. Who knew what Cerberus was doing to her?

Anderson pulled a file up on his console. "The rest of the Council is getting…anxious and it worries me. I'm going to work on them, try and smooth things over. But before that, I have an assignment for you, highly classified. How were your infiltration scores?"

* * *

Kaidan supposed he should get back to his apartment, the noodles weren't particularly cheering him up and he was anxious about the mission Anderson had assigned him. It wasn't exactly his forte, but he was the only one Anderson trusted implicitly to get the job done. Kaidan wouldn't let him down.

He started the lonely walk back to his apartment, preferring it to the transport to clear his head. The Ward was in its perpetual twilight, dark, hazy and filled with the smells of aliens, markets and cooking food. Kaidan liked being here better than the Presidium, it felt _genuine _and messy even though it would sometimes trigger a migraine. Shepard had liked it too; she'd always been a little creeped out by the Presidium's sterility.

As he walked, Kaidan got the uncomfortable feeling of being watched. He would turn around for a moment, wondering if he was being followed, but only see the usual Ward residents. He kept his pace the same speed as before but his brain switched into high gear. Muggings and general crime were common in the Wards, but he wasn't worried. Few would dare to mess with him, the tell-tale marks of an implant on the back of his neck not to mention his height and general obvious fitness level.

Still, the prickly feeling trickling down his spine did not abate and he decided not to head straight home. Whoever was following him was obviously an amateur; he'd known Infiltrators and espionage specialists in his years in the Alliance, they would never have tipped the target off that they were being followed. Kaidan was confident he could handle whatever they could throw at him, his Barrier mnemonic was ready, it would activate in a moment's notice. He felt mostly curiosity about why he was being followed; he wasn't even technically on duty until he shipped out on Anderson's op.

The poor area of Zakera Ward had grimy alleyways, lit by dodgy neon signs offering 'asari massages'. Kaidan couldn't help rolling his eyes at them. It smelt strange too, like refuse and filth after a rain shower in the slums on Earth, but of course, it couldn't even rain on the Citadel.

The alley he turned down was empty and this time he did jog to the end of it, quickly ducking around the wall and climbing the Keeper access ladder that he knew would be there. It gave him a huge height advantage, perfectly placed to spot the human that predictably followed Kaidan into the alleyway. He looked unremarkable, designed not to stand out in a crowd. He was of average height and build, smaller than Kaidan and seemingly not military-trained. He was dressed in a plain shirt and jeans but Kaidan could see the outline of a concealed pistol under his shirt. Kaidan's little shadow looked twitchy, almost nervy and Kaidan had had enough.

Standing from his perch he artificially lowered his own mass; just liked he'd been taught in Brain Camp. He leapt off his small balcony, perfectly landing straight in front of his stalker. The man's eye widened in shock and Kaidan knew that he instantly recognised that his stalking game was up.

The man seemed to throw all caution to the wind, panicked that he'd been found out.

He whipped out an automatic pistol faster than Kaidan had thought him capable and immediately emptied a clip at Kaidan in an unrestrained burst. It was all for nothing, bullets bouncing off Kaidan's Barrier. Still, in the back of his head Kaidan cursed himself for not wearing armor that morning. Without his kinetic shields in place his biotics would have to do all the work, and in a drawn out fight ,that would drain him quickly. He needed to end it as swiftly as he could.

Mindful of this, Kaidan thrust out his arm. The man's eyes were shocked as he was flung into a wall.

To Kaidan's surprise he got up again, the fall not seeming to faze him. The nondescript man activated some kind of function on his omni-tool with a swipe, an orange blade springing into existence. It was like the kind Kaidan knew were sometimes used for melee applications, an omni-blade. The Alliance didn't usually bother with it or train soldiers in its use, modern battles were usually fought at a distance and melee was no match for mass-accelerated rounds.

Kaidan didn't even have his gun; he'd turned it into the quartermaster in the Alliance barracks after returning from Horizon.

_'It was supposed to be safe on the Citadel. You idiot, never should have let your guard down.' _

His heart was beating faster, ready for whatever this slippery man had in store for him.

Kaidan Alenko did not give up easy.

The man charged at him, recognising the futility of his gun for the moment. Kaidan crouched, ready for his attack and as soon as he got close enough coated his hand in biotics to punch the extended blade; it fritzed, sparking and then it completely faded. The pale man feinted to Kaidan's left then leaned in to punch Kaidan in the mouth, splitting his lip. He was far, far too quick for his build. For a moment Kaidan worried about cybernetics or drug enhancement. Kaidan shook it off though, striking his adversary in the solar plexus.

"Fuck!" The man spat, skittering away from Kaidan and desperately levelling his gun again. It was no use, Kaidan thrust his hand upwards and the man was hit by a blue blast lifting him into the air and completely ruining his aim. Another wave of Kaidan's hand and the Throw violently shoved him into the same wall he'd hit earlier. This time he didn't get up.

Kaidan jogged over to him, turning him onto his back by gripping the man's plain brown shirt. He was still alive and mostly conscious, just dazed.

"Who are you?! Why were you following me?" Kaidan demanded, as he fumbled to activate his own omni-tool. Kaidan smeared medi-gel onto a cut on the man's head, as he tried to jerk away.

"Ha. Little Alliance soldier boy. You don't think I'll talk, do you?" Kaidan's attacker had brilliant-green eyes, like a cats. Kaidan absently noticed they were an anomaly, something to help identify him. Most humans these days were colored like himself and Ash: black or brown hair, dusky skin and dark eyes due to Earth's now ubiquitous speedy transport systems and accordingly increased population mingling. Light eyes and light hair were a rare trait, especially green. One of the first things he'd noticed physically about Shepard had been her strange dark blue-grey eyes in combination with her pale complexion. In contrast to her, these unusual emerald eyes were narrowed in hate as he spat blood into Kaidan's face.

Kaidan jolted away, disgusted. Shaking his head he stood and planted a boot on the man's chest, making sure he wouldn't move, and activated the comm function on his 'tool for C-SEC.

The weird man just watched him, wiping blood from his mouth. When he was done with C-SEC, Kaidan waved his omni-tool over the stalker's, attempting to hack through his encryption. This seemed to panic the man, he struggled under Kaidan's foot.

"Stop it, C-SEC will be here any minute. You may as well tell me: why were you following me?"

"Fuck you!" the man seemed to bite down with his jaw and a moment later Kaidan realized what he was doing: he had a poison capsule concealed in his teeth and had just bitten through it.

"No!" Kaidan threw himself on his prisoner, thrusting his finger into the man's mouth, trying to fish the capsule out but it was too late. He was already frothing at the mouth, his eyes rolling into the back of his head.

He was dead in less than two seconds. Kaidan swore under his breath, and dejectedly sat beside the corpse to finish data-mining the dead man's omni-tool. As soon as he tried to access some files, or maybe it was keyed to the man's vital signs, there was an angry beep. To Kaidan's alarm the 'tool started erasing all its data.

"Shit, shit, shit." Kaidan frantically transferred what he could to his own omni-tool. It was far too little, too late; he'd only managed to snag a fraction of what was on there.

Kaidan surveyed the way his afternoon had progressed with a weary sigh. A dead body and a mere ten gigs of data to show for it, _wonderful. _

He was glad Shepard wasn't here for this. Her spectacular temper would have the poor corpse thrown into a sun or something equally drastic.

* * *

Kaidan sat in his apartment later, his omni-tool synched up to his home console. It was more advanced and could handle Kaidan's digging through the data better. He hadn't bothered alerting C-SEC to what he'd stolen from the dead man's omni-tool; their overworked technicians wouldn't be any better than him at decryption and Kaidan sensed whatever would be on there would be classified, not suitable for the eyes of the average C-SEC agent. Mostly Kaidan wanted to know what was so special about _him_, why he was being stalked and observed and whether this was the first time. Kaidan thought worriedly that this may have just been the first time he'd noticed. Surveillance was generally carried out in shifts with rotating people on a schedule. He may have just had a sloppy stalker today, which meant there could be more. Kaidan would have to be cautious. He hadn't alerted Anderson yet, as he planned to head to his office in the morning.

He padded into the small kitchenette to make a coffee while his self-made program mined information and automatically parsed standard decryption layers. A ping had him abandoning the coffee, and throwing himself in front of his console.

A lot of the data was gibberish, mere fragments of a whole. Whatever this was, they had deep pockets and were _everywhere_. He saw references to Hahne-Kedar, the Alliance, C-SEC officials, pretty much anyone with any power in the galaxy. It was carefully wiped though, much of the useful information censored.

He saw his name as he scrolled through, and paused. It seemed like a snippet of a profile on him.

_SubjectName: Kaidan Alenko_

_Aliases: N/A_

_Current rank: Staff Commander_

_Additional information:_

_Human biotic, high potential. No hints of cancer or abnormal growth in medical records. Genetics flagged for further study. Further humanity's biotic potential. _

_Systems Alliance, specialization: Sentinel. _

_Assessment for {redacted} recruitment has been deemed unlikely. No potential for espionage, but flagged for {redacted} once technique perfected. Studies pending, await Chandana's {redacted} results._

_Subject should be surveilled and periodic reconnaissance should be conducted on his whereabouts when not based on Citadel. Subject is dangerous and utmost effort to maintain distance should be observed. Involved with subject S. Shepard before _Normandy_ SR1 destruction, any interactions between subjects are to be immediately reported to {redacted}. Integrity of Project {redacted} has potential to be jeopardized, avoid at all costs_

_ If agent discovered by subject K. Alenko or similar hostile parties: suicide ordered. Alternatively termination of subject K. Alenko is authorized under extenuating circumstances, there must be a check-in with your cell leader before any action is taken however; Project Lazarus and Project {redacted} are the priority. Additionally psychological profile of subject S. Shepard suggests adverse reaction if subject K. Alenko is terminated. Subject S. Shepard's mission is vital and cannot afford distraction._

_Lazarus Cell Head Agent is not aware of extent of surveillance, she is not to be informed. _

"Shit." He swore, softly. The sound was still loud in the silent apartment.

It must be Cerberus; who else would be manipulating Shepard? And they were keeping tabs on him - they were even more dangerous than he suspected. This was...this was huge.

Buried in the gibberish was a photo file.

Kaidan had to clasp a hand over his mouth to keep in the bile that rushed up his throat.

There were thousands of pictures.

_Thousands_.

And not just of him, that would have been tolerable, but there were pictures of Shepard too. His breath caught in his throat, there was even one of her as child, tiny and in overlarge clothes. He had no idea where they had even gotten it from; she barely went to school enough for school pictures. Kaidan's heart went out to her; a weird protective instinct in his chest made him wish he could have been there for her. The others looked to be from everywhere, some even on the old _Normandy_. A picture of her dirty and bleeding after Akuze, from her post-mission debrief. There was him, Ash and Shepard wandering on the Citadel, them in Flux, even their time on the Noveria mission. Innocuous seemingly unrelated pictures were scattered in too, _Normandy _schematics, a husk, a thorian creeper, a Serrice Council biotic amp, a small asari, a grainy one of what looked to be someone's baby sonograph, and bio-rhythm results. Cerberus clearly had their fingers in many pies.

Kaidan was no photography or holo-tech expert but all the pictures of Shepard and her crew looked to be either taken with bugs, or long distance lenses. Some were a bad, blurred quality but a lot were clear, just like the photographer was standing right in the same room.

Kaidan's clenched his other palm into a fist where it rested on his knee. There were pictures of them wandering the supermarket in Intai'sei, kissing and holding hands. Shepard naked in the shower; there were even of pictures of Shepard and him making love. Not just once or twice but _hundreds _of snaps in a running documentary, in different places of the house. It was obscene. There must have had bugs all over her apartment, in every room and corner.

_'Those sick bastards.'_

_This_ had been in his stalker's possession and who knows how many other people. They had seen her, probably slathered over her obscenely. He wanted to kill them. Kaidan was shaking with suppressed rage; he didn't think he'd ever been angrier in his whole life.

In an effort to block the pictures from his mind he scrolled on to a chat log that was archived:

**_Chat initializing..._**

_guest1: Hey hank._

_guest2: hey :)_

_guest1: This guy is so boring. Sure we can't get to tha bar before closing?_

_guest2: You kiddin'? your balls will be on the chopping block._

_guest2: You heard the man, he needs watching._

_guest1: Ugh. This is stupid, he's so vanilla. Work, work, work. Geez, hire a prozzy once in a while ffs! Then we'd get some good shots hehe. You see the woman he was bangin, that Shepard? Fuck me man, what i wouldn't do to trade places with that lucky bastard. bitch is fine_

_guest2: Yeah man, i get should see that vid, 'commander Shepard does the citadel', actually next time you're on the network i'll send it to ya. But srsly, don't fuck around with this. It comes from on high and he'll piss right on our heads, we fuckk this up_

_guest1: yeah yeah. Well i'm off, imagine this, he's heading to the gym again, wooo. Maybe later he'll go to the Presidium and do some more wooork. greeeat._

_guest2: lol. Oh harden up. could be worse._

**_Your chat partner has logged off. _**

Kaidan regretted every small bit of mercy he had shown the man in the alleyway. He should have hurt him. _This was-_

Kaidan lost his battle with composure and headed to the liquor cabinet, grabbing the bottle of whiskey he kept there and poured himself a generous glass. He gulped it in minutes, angry and sick, and heartbroken. It burned but it was nothing to the burn of his rage.

Kaidan could barely face what was on the omni-tool, he got drunker and drunker as the night progressed but the rest of it was mostly useless, full of unrelated incomprehensible fragments of dialogue, stands of DNA comparison and analysis or dry technical information that he could make no sense of.

He sat at the console steadily drinking his way through the whole bottle. He hated them, _hated._ They had all these pictures of her, even nice ones of her smiling on the Presidium when he had never had a lousy single one. She had never liked having her photo taken.

Somewhere in his haze he pulled up his email app and started to type. He hoped she still had the same email address but regardless of whether it got through or not...he had to try and tell her, had to at least warn her. Shepard needed to know that Kaidan still cared for her.

_Shepard,_

_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_

_Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos, or your apartment? That time we had meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside._

_But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. The way you're doing it, it isn't the only way. Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted; they're watching me, watching you. Please...I guess I don't know what I'm asking of you, I just want things the way they used to be._

_When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care._

_Kaidan _

_Alenko_

_ Staff Comm-_

It took hours; he agonized over every single word. He didn't even know how to sign his name, deleting it at least three times.

In the end he went with what she liked to call him and collapsed in bed, exhausted.

_LT. _

He just wanted her home safe, he wanted to be sure of her and he wanted to take down Cerberus. In the meantime he had a job to do.


	13. Carpe Noctem

_This chapter was a toughie. I would love to know what you think, your reviews make me smile for hours. Have no fear, we will see Kaidan again soon :D_

* * *

Shepard spent a week on Illium. A day after recruiting Samara, she, Kasumi and the Justicar raided Dantius Towers looking for the drell assassin. Shepard was glad she'd taken the thief especially and chosen to commence the raid at midnight, the darkness was perfect for Kasumi. She was even quicker on her feet than Shepard, running ahead and stealthily taking out unwary mercs.

Time was of the essence to reach Thane before Nassana's thugs could kill him. Shepard even admitted to herself that a little bit of her motivation was to reach the manipulative Dantius and pay her back for fooling Shepard into killing her sister two years ago. She'd been blinded by the innocent 'grieving sister' act, blinded by the fear of a lost sibling.

_They are bathed in the orange light from the console he is working on. She thinks he looks far too good in orange but she is sure she looks like an oompa loompa. _

_Shepard doesn't care. Kaidan never looks at her like he thinks that. He looks at her like…something she can't label with a word._

_She can always feel his gaze on her, burning the back of her neck and sending thrills to places they shouldn't go. He looks at her as if she is someone…worth it; worth breaking regs for, worth risking heartbreak and embarrassment. Shepard already knows she'd break a million regs for him. _

_'You can't blame yourself, Commander. You had no way to know she was playing you, playing all of us. 'What ifs?' are just torture, the kind where you can never actually answer the question and get them to stop. Try and let it go.' _

_His hand is large and heavy on her shoulder. It is warm and the little guilty knot in her stomach loosens. _

Shepard sighed as she threw a merc over the side of a large drop in the apartment tower. The damn drugs were messing her around still; she had been too proud to go to Chakwas with another injury. Shepard had been stupidly hopeful the effects would just dissipate after she slept for twelve hours. It _had_ mostly, but occasionally a particularly vivid thought would send her tripping. Dantius Towers and the race against time would be good for burning off the Minagen more quickly.

Shepard had allowed her own past to color her actions in the present far too much lately. She was being too unprofessional, but Shepard couldn't see how to grasp her impartibility back. She had no CO, aside from a criminal mastermind in a sharp suit.

'_Sneaky snakes with glowing eyes are hardly conducive to a stable work environment…_' She thought wryly.

"So, Shep! Tell me: do you like parties?" Kasumi called from her perch behind a crate. Samara was further ahead taking on ten mercs at a time. Shepard watched her with a feral kind of amusement; the mercs had no chance against the three of them. Samara was like a warrior goddess.

Shepard pulled her entranced gaze from Samara to cock an eyebrow at Kasumi's question, simultaneously kicking a FENRIS mech away from her legs.

"Parties?" She gasped, spinning to punch another merc who had gotten too close in the face.

"Yeah, you know. Fancy clothes, nice champagne. I think you're a blue dress kind gal." Kasumi smiled at Shepard's armor, her custom blue hue. "Tell me I'm wrong?" She teased, standing to fire an omni-tool burst at another LOKI mech.

Shepard let out a bark of breathless laughter. "Ha! Are you kidding, Kasumi? I would rather kiss a krogan than wear a fancy dress."

"Hey now, I hear that Wrex of yours was quite the looker."

Shepard grinned but didn't answer, signalling the two of them to move further ahead. Kasumi made a confused face at Shepard's military hand signals, sticking her tongue out at Shepard as if to say _'You idiot, I'm not a soldier. I have no idea what you are saying'_ which had Shepard rolling her eyes and making a simple shooing motion for her to move ahead. This time Shepard made a quiet huff of laughter under her breath.

They were cutting through the resistance like a monomolecular blade. Finally, she had a functional team back. She had even built an uneasy rapport with Miranda, they were going to take care of her sister after Thane and the Cerberus Agent was being almost…nice.

Together the three of them climbed the tower. This Thane, whoever he was, was...good. Her team wasn't slow by any means, a thief, an Adept and an asari matriarch, but still he outpaced them at every turn.

Eventually they came to a lone merc yammering into his ear piece. He was silhouetted against a large glass window. Illium's late night traffic whizzed by, colored lights dancing on Shepard's face.

_'A very breakable window.'_ Shepard thought with a grin.

"Turn around _very _slowly." Shepard flared up for the intimidation factor and levelled her gun at him for extra effect.

"Aw shit." He said as he turned around. Kasumi and Samara fanned out beside her.

"Shit is right, bucko. Now where's Thane?" Shepard demanded, her tone cool.

"I haven't got anything to say to you. Screw off bitch." The merc spat at her.

Shepard looked to Samara and Kasumi, silently raising an eyebrow. Then she leaned forward, prepared her mind, and shoved the merc as hard as she could towards the large window. Glass tinkled as his armor-clad body smashed through. A spilt second later Shepard raised her hand to catch him in his freefall.

"The incredible levitating merc." Shepard smiked, looking to her companions. "How about that Kasumi? Pretty cool, right?"

"Totally." Kasumi mocked clapped, a smile on her purple lips. "I always like your little parlour tricks Shep."

"_'Parlour tricks'_?" Samara interjected, her silver eyes narrowed in question.

Shepard waved her free hand at the asari. "Human term, don't worry about it."

"Biotic abilities are hardly tricks." Samara said, censuring. "For my people they are a scared art."

"A sacred art that scares the shit outta people." Kasumi laughed.

The merc was screaming, rotating slowly in the air in Shepard's grip. "Oh my fucking god! Please put me down! No wait! _Don't_ put me down!"

"Ready to talk and you can come back inside?" Shepard said, titling her head up down to see his face through his helmet. He was currently suspended fifty floors up, with his head facing the street far below. He looked to be turning rapidly red. Shepard felt a feral kind of amusement, and knew she should feel guilty for it.

_'Shouldn't have called me a bitch, or put on the uniform. Fool me twice, shame on me.'_

"I'll talk lady, I'll talk. Anything you want! Y-you want a foot massage? Money, drugs, my undying devotion? Anything you want!" The merc babbled. Shepard was sure he'd tell the truth now.

_'Little bit of encouragement and they always talk.'_

"That won't be necessary. I just wanna know where Thane is." Shepard said.

"He's down on the mezzanine last I heard. But the team on the bridge thought they saw him too. No one really knows for sure." He spun lazily as he spoke. The merc was practically crimson now, sweat pouring down his face.

Shepard nodded, and jerked the merc toward her with a swipe of her palm. She left him a shivering heap on the floor.

"Let's go, team." She ordered.

The bridge was a kill zone. Shepard's hair was singed by one of the launched rockets from the mercs and Kasumi took a nasty blow to the head as she was knocked over. Shepard ran over to her, kneeling beside her to gently smear medi-gel over the nasty blood-gushing wound on her head.

"Samara. I think it's you and me! Kasumi's a bit...rattled." She called to the asari as she Threw people over the side of the bridge.

Kasumi mumbled, pushing Shepard out of the way as she sat up. "No, no. I'm fine Shep. Just fine. I got your back."

Shepard gently pressed her to the floor again, speaking softly. "You'll have my back right here, ok? I don't want you being knocked off the bridge because you're seeing double."

"No seriously, I'm with you." Kasumi forced her way to the standing position, shrugging her narrow shoulders. "Look I'm fine, _please_."

Shepard considered her face and mostly clear eyes. They would really need the three of them to take the bridge. "Ok. But we need a safe way across; we need cover that can withstand a rocket blast."

Samara joined them behind their small safe crate, speaking over the rocket blasts and impacts. "I have considered a plan of action: A protective bubble. With the two of us," she gestured to Shepard, "it should be strong enough to withstand the kinetic force."

Shepard balked at the idea of testing her abilities in such a dire situation. Her L5X implant was too shitty to risk the lives of her crew. "I don't know Samara, I'm not sure my skills are up to-"

"Nonsense." Samara dismissed her hedging. "You are a talented biotic. It is your fighting style, correct?"

Shepard rubbed the back of her neck uncomfortably. "Yeah but, sort of lately it's been really...bad. Aside from my drug trip...I'll fry myself."

"No, you won't. I have faith in you, Shepard. Just clear your mind and relax." Samara didn't quite smile at her, but her eyes seemed a fraction warmer, almost encouraging.

"Alright. I can do this." Shepard took a deep breath, psyching herself up and together with Samara held two hands out.

A bright blue dome sprang into life, Shepard was amazed. She'd never really tried a large Barrier before. She should have tried it with Kaidan...it would have saved some hassle with Saren.

Or as she discovered, might have gave them a stroke with the strain.

Shepard's migraine was instantaneous and insistent, screaming at her expenditure of energy.

"Wow, Shep. We should've done this earlier." Kasumi said with a little bit of wonder in her voice. She stuck to the middle of the bubble, frying mechs with her omni-tool with relative impunity.

"Thanks, Kasumi." Shepard said, gritting her teeth at the pain and pressure. They moved slowly across, the feeling of rockets impacting the dome making her stumble a little. Everything in the bubble seemed strangely muted, like they were under the ocean. It pushed crates out of the way and mechs and mercs alike like a solid force-field. Their bodies spiralled gracefully to the street below. Shepard had no idea what the local security forces would think in the morning.

If not for her brain slowly dying, it all would have been too easy. When they finally made it and wiped out the final guards for Nassana, sweat was pouring down Shepard's neck, her hair messily stuck to her cheeks. She huffed with jealousy when Samara looked as regal and serene as always.

Shepard had never seen a drell up close before. She found herself mesmerized by the shine of his skin, the smooth lines as he snapped necks, graceful as a dancer.

Nassana's death was almost...gentle. Shepard found herself respecting the drell's skills, his professionalism and his strange respect for Nassana's corpse.

Back aboard the ship, after shooting Jacob a dirty look for his hypocrisy over hired hands and little snarky dig at Thane, Shepard showed the assassin to the Life Support room.

"Thank you." He turned to her, his overlarge black eyes appraising her calmly.

"That's no problem. Glad to have you aboard." Shepard smiled. He definitely wasn't what she thought an assassin would be like.

"You are most kind. I was quite impressed by your display on the bridge. I watched you."

"You did? Uh, well thank you. I guess." Shepard coughed, surprised. "Samara did most of the work; I just huffed and puffed like a volus."

"You do not credit yourself with enough."

Shepard felt her cheeks reddening a little as she asked, "Will you be alright to come help me on a job tomorrow? Miranda has some family business to take care of."

"It seems family is a common theme on this ship." He nodded solemnly. "I have my own I would like to see to, before we attempt the impossible."

"Of course. I'm sure we can find time."

"Do you have family, Shepard?"

Shepard shrugged. It seemed everyone on the crew had a problem lately. Her own reason to worry was long gone. "Nope, not anymore. That's ok though, makes things...simpler."

"I am sorry for prying." He apologized.

"Like I said, no problem."

Shepard left, her mind filled with mission objectives, reports for the Illusive Man and the one who should be here to help her with them. He'd sneakily started helping her with her written reports on the SR1; she'd always hated writing them. She'd missed out on most of school; learning had been a luxury she could not afford when food needed put on the table.

_"Shepard, uh, you spelt 'Noveria' wrong in this one. And the cost for the armor adds up wrong, the brass will have a meltdown." His stylus skims down the datapad quickly circling the errors and tapping out a suggestion on the side for fixing it. _

_"Thanks for catching that." She shifts in the seat next to him. The mess is deserted so late in the sleep cycle. She's embarrassed: he's missing out on sleep to help her. She'd been complaining about the reports, how Hackett had asked her to do one over. Apparently, it wasn't up to his standards. Shepard had been tired of sitting at the mess for hours and making no progress. Kaidan had kindly offered to help, but now she feels stupid._

_"I'm sorry; I'm kind of bad at this sort of thing." Her face feels like it's on fire. He's much smarter than her, his reports on the marines are always perfectly spelt and worded clearly. She even has trouble, sometimes, knowing the meaning of some of the big words he uses, and has to pretend that she knows. _

_Kaidan acts like it's no big deal and that it doesn't matter, like she shouldn't feel ashamed. "That's no problem. I'm always here for you, you know. Besides don't worry about it, spelling is for those who can't bend gravity with their brains, ok?" He smiles. "You're perfe-um, fine as you are." _

_'And you're a damn liar'_ She thought in the present. _'You're not here now.'_

Shepard took her time on Illium, finishing small jobs here and there. The ship was refuelled and restocked and by the end of their week on Illium, Miranda's problem with Oriana had been taken care of, and Shepard had found herself with a reluctant respect for Miranda. Seeing her reunite and speak to Oriana had revealed a soft side in the Cerberus Agent. Shepard was just glad she was able to help someone.

The last night on Illium was spent the way marines preferred: getting drunk at the bar. The night was tropical, a warm breeze ruffling Shepard's hair. The older asari bartender kept giving Shepard free drinks.

_'Kaidan would have been so jealous_' she thought with a snort. Asari seemed to be very friendly for the most part on Illium.

_'Except for all the mercs I've murdered.'_

Her morbid thoughts were chased away by the cocktail Garrus set in front of her.

"Thanks, Gar. Sit with us!"

"Shepard, I think that should be your last one." He sat down beside her. He had only had a little bit to drink. He seemed pissed off to Shepard, but her brain was a bit too fuzzy to deal with it right then.

"Kasumi." She turned to the woman seated next to her. "I dunno about you, but I am_ so_ ready to just give up on men. Are you with me?"

Garrus made a noise in offence.

"Not you, of course, Garrus, you're exempt." She waved her hand dismissively.

"Was that a proposition, Shep?" Kasumi giggled, sipping her own drink with the little umbrella stuck in it.

"Totally. You're hot, I'm passable, I guess? Meant to be!" Shepard laughed at her own stupid joke, tipping her glass back to drain the sweet liquor.

"You ever want to get married?" Kasumi leaned back in her seat a little unsteadily, her tone switching to serious and philosophical the way only a drunk person could. Garrus sighed beside Shepard, no doubt bored. The rest of the men had decided to stay on the ship or leave earlier. Joker was arguing with EDI like some bizarre foreplay, Jacob claimed he had to go do his exercise and Mordin didn't see the appeal of killing brain cells. Zaeed had flat out refused to come with them.

Shepard spluttered. "Ugh no! No men talk! It's banned at this table. Besides I wouldn't get married if you paid me a million creds."

"I would have." Kasumi said quietly, stirring her drink.

"Here, want another drink?" Shepard slid her spare drink over. "I find it numbs the sting of betrayal and heartbreak pretty effectively."

"You're a real pal, Shep." Kasumi smiled crookedly.

"That's what they tell me." Shepard said, pretending to put on a smug tone. She was beginning to love her little non-Cerberus crew. They were awkward and dangerous and ostracized. That was ok with her; Shepard wasn't exactly anyone's favorite anymore.

_'Except for my good creepy friend, Harbinger.' _

"I'm going to head back to the ship, Shepard." Garrus piped in during their moment of silence.

"I'll catch ya later, Garrus." She waved to him as he got up from the table.

Hours later they stumbled onto the ship. Shepard had to stop twice on the way to vomit, her stomach had heaved painfully. She deposited Kasumi in her room but Shepard had a hard time making it the elevator, preferring to lean against the wall for a minute. Or maybe an hour.

Garrus found her that way; she could tell he was looking at her disapprovingly.

"Come on Shepard. You should go to bed. I know you're hurting lately, but you can't deal with it by losing your head."

"Garrus fucking Vakarian tellin' me to cool my head? What has the world come to?" She slurred.

"Shepard, I know this thing with Kaidan has got you...weirded-out, but you need to take care of yourself." He said as he helped her into the elevator, he pressed the button for her cabin and practically had to hold her up. "Back there when we were recruiting Samara, I thought you had a death wish. You don't, do you?"

"'Thing?' Kaidan and I weren't just a 'thing', G-Garrus. I loved him! I still do, and I'm pretty sure I disgust him now. And listen to you lecture about death wishes, when I'm the one who pulled your ass out of the firing line in your h-hideout on Omega."

Garrus sighed. "Shepard, you're not disgusting. Alenko is being an ass. If it was me..." He clamped his jaw shut and Shepard suddenly felt like the rug had been pulled out from under her again.

_'Oh no no, don't you do this to me, Garrus.' _Her drunken brain thought in a slight panic.

He continued opening the door to her cabin and hauled her to sit on the bed. "This Cerberus business..." He paused visibly uncomfortable and searching for the right words. "We weren't exactly in the lines when hunting Saren. Rules and regulations for me are like mixing pacifists and krogan: it just doesn't work and ends up with someone getting shot." Shepard smiled at little at his lame joke. "But Shepard, Cerberus is getting to you. Your waist, ah, it looks thin. Have you been eating?"

"Sure, I have" She said, trying to keep the room from spinning. "It's just we've been busy lately, I've been burning a lot of energy."

He didn't seem convinced and truthfully Shepard guiltily couldn't remember eating that day. The vomiting she had done on the Minagen X3 had destroyed her appetite.

"Please, Shepard. Let go of Alenko."

"I'm trying, Garrus. I'm trying." She whispered, looking down from his face and toying with her soft bed cover.

"I'm here for you. In whatever way you need me." Garrus said, she felt one of his talons touch her hair.

"Garrus. I-"

"Anyway. I need to get back to the calibrations. I'll see you later Shepard." He said suddenly, seemingly flustered.

"Bye." She whispered, but he was already out the door.

"Well fuck. You stupid man, Kaidan. Look at this mess." She called to his stupid handsome picture. Shepard rolled over; careful to make sure the cheek with the shrapnel wound was not resting on the pillows and tried to sleep.

There was a light beeping on her console, she noticed it flashing on the wall near her model ships. Her stomach roiled and her head pounded.

Shepard stumbled to her console, intending to at least be a little productive if she couldn't sleep.

The name she saw flashing there nearly had her empting her belly again. She was sure she would have if not for the fact she had nothing left but bile.

It was from Kaidan. She read his words, his declarations of past love, like it was something precious that would go up in flames any second. She thought maybe he'd come around, that he wanted pick up or to tell her he still loved her.

When she was finished she stood stock-still, then spun and snatched one of her models from the shelf to throw at the bathroom door with all the force she could muster.

"_Maybe, you don't know_!? You asshole! How can you not know?! I know! _I know_, I love you even when you are the biggest sack of dicks in the galaxy!" She screamed, furious with him and his commitment issues.

His little confession about the doctor had hit the petty and jealous part of her brain. She was beyond rationality, alcohol making her more unreasonable.

"Oh _wonderful_! While I was lying in a coma, you were off fucking a doctor! I bet she was smart, huh, Alenko?!" She picked up another model, her hand flaring blue and almost embedding it into the wall of the ship with the force she launched it at.

"_'Cerberus is watching me'_?! Well, no shit Sherlock! I have a damn AI on my ship!" Another ship smashed against the fish tank.

"You son of a bitch! Of course the time we had meant something to me! How can you even question that?! I shared everything with you! My body and goddamn soul!" Her voice was breaking, raw from her shrieks of anger.

"Oh Kaidan..." Shepard sunk to the floor of her room, exhausted and drained. She hated him and she loved him and she wanted to forget him but she was terrified for him and thought about him every damn second.

He shouldn't mess with Cerberus. If Kaidan died...she couldn't even see past that possibility.

_That_ thought had great fat tears rolling down her face. She was a selfish bitch, she'd died on him and he had to live through the horrible possibility. He had a right to move on. Shepard crawled into her bed and dreamt of Kaidan on the Citadel with his pretty doctor, a picket fence and his perfect two point five kids.

They left Illium for Haestrom in the morning. Shepard barely noticed through her bad mood and hangover.


	14. The Colossus

"Pull!" Garrus yelled.

Shepard obliged, flinging her hand wide and sending a ceramic plate from the mess soaring in a graceful arc across the cargo bay. A second later there was a loud retort, and the plate exploded in mid air.

"Nice one, Gar." Shepard congratulated him with a pat on the back.

"Heh." Garrus mandibles fluttered in pleasure. "I think I actually out-shoot the great Commander Shepard now."

"Naw. Keep dreaming buddy."

Garrus sighed and turned to her, setting his rifle on the ground. "Listen. About last night…"

"I was drunk. And very stupid. But Garrus…" She trailed off, feeling awkward.

"I know, alright? This is really...awkward. It a weird inter-species thing and I know that-"

"You're my partner in crime Garrus. I don't know how to say how much your belief in me means. But Kaidan…"

Garrus nodded. His face was resigned but not angry, as far as she could discern. "You're not, ah, what is it humans say? '_Over_' him? I get that. I saw what you two were like together, before."

"I'm sorry. I wish…I just don't know, Garrus. I've never been in love before, like I was with him. You ever felt like that?"

Garrus' jaw clenched uncomfortably, and she decided not to pry further. Garrus didn't seem to know what to say, and she was maybe being too honest with him. Shepard wished she could shut her mouth or perhaps develop the handy ability to go back in time.

"Look. It's not even you. My brain isn't-"

Shepard sighed, deciding she might as well be brutally honest. She had a feeling the '_it's not you it's me_' speech translated pretty well across species and she didn't want to hurt Garrus.

"I didn't tell anyone this because it's embarrassing…but I've had this weird depression thing since I woke up. Mordin did some scans and I'm all off-kilter, y'know, ah hormonally. And I guess I've been trying to deal with that, and Cerberus, and the most painful break-up of my life while trying to save humanity. My sanity is a little...um, tenuous? Can we maybe talk about it when my head is screwed on straight and my heart a little less broken?"

"Shepard, I never expected, I mean I wasn't trying to-"

"I know, Garrus. I know what you meant."

They stood for a moment in a silence that wasn't quite comfortable, but was on its way back. Shepard was sure she and Garrus would be ok in the end. They had to be.

For now he was her dear friend and that was no small thing. To Shepard, his friendship was one of the only stable things she had.

"Pull!" She yelled this time and Garrus threw a plate as hard as he could.

Shepard thrust her hand out, flaring blue and sending a small blue missile at it to shower ceramic all over the metal floor.

"You never told me, why do you humans say that? 'Pull?' Why not just 'fire'?"

"I don't actually know. I think it's a rich, snobby thing from the old hunting days. But when I did my accelerated biotics training when I first joined the Alliance as a teenager, it was a game the instructors played with us, with clay pigeons."

"Clay pigeons?"

"Oh yeah. They're these-"

"Impressive." A cool voice cut in and Shepard jerked around to see Samara standing there. She looked beautiful as always, even among the dirty crates and cargo.

"Hi, um Samara. I didn't see you there." Shepard said. She could hear Garrus lowering his rifle beside her, collapsing it down behind his back again.

Samara nodded cordially. "I was just observing you. I could see clearly on the mission before, and here again, that you are very talented with your biotics."

"Ah thank you. That means a lot coming from you." Shepard answered. She was a bit confused why Samara had been watching them. She hoped she had missed that awkward conversation with Garrus, the last thing she needed was _that_ spread around the ship.

"But you squander the gift you have been given." Samara continued and Shepard did a double take, mildly offended. '_Squander_?'

"Err. I'm sorry?"

"Shepard, I'm going to go eat something. I'll see you later." Garrus left, and she watched his back all the way out of the cargo bay.

Her mind screamed at her to do something for him, make time for his problems but the rest of her long list of other issues also jockeyed for attention. Shepard felt a strange pang in her stomach, a cruel twist of anxiety in her chest. She wanted to…tell Kaidan all the things she thought, the good and the bad. She wanted to say goodbye, and not with just an email. The suicide mission loomed in her mind. She was on borrowed time since the moment she drew her last breath and she could not afford to be selfish. Garrus and the others needed her.

Samara cut through her momentary panic. "I am sorry. I did not mean to interrupt your fun or be so blunt."

"No, no. It's fine." Shepard shrugged and picked up the mess plates, intent on returning them to Gardner. "EDI was starting to get pissed anyway. What do you mean 'squander'?"

Samara walked with her to the elevator, and took her time answering. "You have an advanced implant, no? You have the way but _not_ the will to achieve it."

"Listen, I have plenty of _will._" Shepard leaned heavily on the elevator wall and frowned, her tone slightly defensive. _She did her best_. "It's not my fault Cerberus' scientists are hacksaws."

Samara shook her head as Gardner gave Shepard a filthy look at his reduced pile of plates. "I believe that is an excuse you have made for yourself; you believe you have been changed by your death, so you are. Your mind is a powerful entity."

Shepard snorted, fuming and turned to face her in the middle of the mess. "So you reckon my mind made up the burns on the back of my neck, made up the pain?"

"No. I did not say that." Samara replied, the very model of calm. "But it is your thought patterns which cause it to malfunction and hurt you. You see it in asari who have chosen to amplify their natural skills. The brain was not meant to be made part machine or jacked like a crude computer. They go through a traumatic experience, the death of a loved one, a large life event and they can no longer do what they once could. How can thoughts and feelings be harassed as a weapon without consequences? Or reduced to mere electrical impulses? We are more than organic ashes. Of course there will be repercussions when your inner self is not harmonious."

"So you're saying my brain is self-sabotaging me?" Shepard asked skeptically. She didn't really like spiritual mumbo-jumbo.

"A succinct and not entirely correct way to put it, but mostly yes. I am sure you are familiar with your L2s? There are sometimes stories in the galactic news of them losing their minds, like that shooting only a few years ago. Twenty humans were killed before the unstable biotic turned the gun on himself."

"I'm aware." Shepard said, her voice tight and clipped.

_'Don't you __**dare**__ blame him. I don't care who you are. He isn't mad or violent.'_

Samara continued, heedless of the sour warning look on Shepard's face. "It was caused by their implant - faulty, defective ones. But nonetheless, why do some withstand with minor inconveniences and others massacre and destroy?"

_'Shepard, she looked at me like…' He sighs and trails off; Shepard puts her hand on his cheek, directing his gaze back to her. They lie in bed naked, entwined. It one of the most honest nights of her life. 'Like some kind of monster, like I'd hurt her. I-I wouldn't do something like that, you know?'_

_'I know.'_

"They aren't defective! I knew an L2 and he was one of the strongest biotics and most honorable men I've ever met. Maybe it's 'cause someone crossed their wires?" Shepard scowled at Samara as she answered. "They can't help it. I'm not going crazy. It isn't like that."

Samara inclined her head in acquiescence to Shepard's vehement insistence. "I can help you control yourself better. I can help you reach your full potential and become the person you are meant to be. The Oath I have sworn to you requires that I make you strong, so that we all might be."

"Help me? How would you help me?" Shepard said, spreading her hands wide as if to point her body out. There was no amateur brain surgery happening on her watch.

"I can meditate with you, teach you some asari techniques."

"Are you sure? I'm not a very quick learner, and I might mess-"

Samara spoke over her, cutting through her protests. "You will be fine. I would not offer if I was not sure. I assure you, I am a good teacher."

Samara gently put a hand to her back and guided her to Starboard Observation. It was beautiful in there, the stars spread out before them like an inky curtain. There was a faint scent of incense like Samara had been burning sticks of it. Shepard found no comfort in the cold beauty though, and she wished there was a way to close the window without seeming stupid in front of Samara.

"You've taught before?" Shepard asked as they sat before the great window. She crossed her legs in imitation of Samara, hearing her joints click.

Samara shushed her, and told her to breathe deeply as she corrected her posture. A strange kind of comfort did fall over Shepard then, the hum of the ship almost lulling her to sleep. Her body felt warm, and her breaths were deep and even. The incense smelt musky…like the aftershave Kaidan used to use. Maybe it was a small peace, but she'd take any at this stage. She thought of the color of Kaidan's eyes and nothing else. Her brain hummed in a strange waking-sleep, aware and not.

"Yes." Maybe twenty minutes or perhaps an hour later, Samara spoke suddenly.

"I'm sorry?" Shepard jolted a little in her pose, confused and groggy but calm. She felt a strange disconnection from all her worries and bonelessly relaxed.

Shepard did not do relaxed very well, as a rule.

"In answer to your question of whether I have taught before. I have."

"Oh." Shepard scrambled to catch up with the delayed conversation.

Samara seemed to have something to say, she spoke to the inky void, avoiding Shepard's eyes. "My daughters. Such beautiful little children, with so much talent and such bright futures."

"Oh. That's nice." Shepard nodded, uncrossed her legs and turned to Samara. She was interested in Samara's personal life, someone so remote baring her soul. "It would have been nice to have your mother teaching you this weird stuff. I wish my mother had biotics, or you know, was sane." Shepard mumbled the last part under her breath. Samara seemed to take no notice.

"It is not 'weird' for us. For asari, it is simply like humans leaning to pilot a transport. It was…nice to bond with my daughters during their lessons however."

"How many do you have?"

"I have…I _had_ three. One is lost to me." Samara's voice reminded Shepard of longing and bitter regret, cloying and fetid.

A lost little boy whom she once loved more than her own life.

"I am so sorry. I couldn't imagine what it is like to lose a child." Shepard felt her words paltry and such a poor offering in the wake of the sadness in Samara's silver eyes. Losing a brother wasn't the same, but if Samara felt a fraction of what Shepard had felt when she saw the corpse…

"And Goddess willing you never do. The pain is…indescribable. I forsook my previous life to become a Justicar, so that others would not have their children taken as mine was."

"Taken? How do you mean?" Shepard asked and turned the odd phrase over in her mind.

"I have not been honest with you, Shepard. The monster I seek, the Ardat-Yakshi, is my third daughter. She is as dead to me the moment she took a life, as an animal stalks its prey. She is a prisoner of her genes, and they will not _ever _let her go. It is a compulsion."

Shepard has to work to keep the horrified expression off her face. Samara wanted to kill her own child, and would do so to protect others.

_'Even a murderer…she's still your daughter.'_

In the same situation, Shepard could not say she'd be strong enough to do the same thing.

"I know you think me cruel and cold but the small child who hid behind my skirts and sucked her thumb: she now beds and consumes others for her own pleasure. She is the Demon of the Night Winds and there is no return to the light."

Samara explained to Shepard about Morinth, that she could not stop even if she wanted to, the deaths she'd caused, the murders. Shepard felt a great pity for Samara, having to hunt one she once loved, who she nurtured inside her and gave birth to. It was so unfair, and Shepard was _so_ sick of the world being unfair.

Shepard would stop Morinth and put Samara's shame to rest. The promise seemed to surprise the asari and Shepard gently placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Samara, you're helping me with this biotics thing, with my mission. Thank _you_, really."

"It is my pleasure. It is a joy to teach and guide you where once I failed. You are an extraordinary young woman, Shepard."

Shepard stood to leave, making her way to the door and left the asari to her thoughts. They would arrive at Haestrom within the hour.

She paused at the threshold to ask. "You believe in a goddess, right?"

Samara nodded calmly and Shepard continued. "What is her opinion on those who return from death? Will I…I mean if I die again, do you think she'd welcome me into paradise? I don't remember anything but pain."

"She does not say her intentions towards those who have cheated death." Samara answered, and her smile was kind. "But you do not really believe in her anyway. Nirvana is something you make for yourself; here in this galaxy now, with the ones you love. Do not allow your doubts in your abilities to turn into doubt in your innate goodness, Shepard. They are not the same thing. You are worth more than just what you can do for others."

Shepard turned and left. She had to blink back tears. Someone still thought of her as good and it felt like a kind of benediction she didn't know she needed.

* * *

Samara was right. Shepard did not believe in a god, or any cosmic entity running the galaxy. She believed in science, logic and reason, even though most of the time she was good at none of those things.

'_If there was a god, then there would be a devil and this planet would be the seventh circle of hell_.'

The heat and sun of Haestrom hit Shepard, Miranda and Zaeed in the face like a physical force. She hated this harsh heat; it beat against her eyelids and took up residence in the back of her skull. It throbbed there, triggering a headache and a rush of nausea.

"I swear Miranda, why did you not make me non-freckly when you rebuilt my skin? My face is either going to burn off or I will turn into one giant freckle." Shepard bitched and moaned as they headed for Tali, another quarian named Kal'Reegar guiding them on their omni-tools.

'_Of course we have to get here in there middle of a geth attack. It is always geth attacks… Just once I'd like to not have to fight an army while on a recruitment drive._' Shepard sighed internally, her mood bleakly humorous.

Miranda smirked prettily. "Sorry, Commander. Orders are orders after all."

"Hmpf." Shepard grumbled. "I know. I'm just kidding. "

Shepard ducked around the corner to shoot a geth in its pretty little flashlight head with a raw yell. She and geth did not get along. Their shields drove her nuts with frustration; they needed someone with tech skills and she could barely get her omni-tool to make a call.

'_Stupid. You can't blunder your way through a shield unless you blunder damn hard. How many times did Kaidan have to tell you to hang back and let him and Garrus take care of them first? Do you listen? Nooo._' Shepard had a silently furious argument with herself. The sun fried her brain a little more every second and she longed for her precious _Normandy's _air conditioning.

"Do you _ever_ stop whining, Princess?" Zaeed stood and fried a geth with his rifle. He gave his arm a little victorious pump in her direction as if to rub it in that she just used a small heavy pistol.

_'Men and their size complexes…'_

"Do you _ever_ stop being an ass, Massani?" She retorted, making sure to sound syrupy sweet.

"No."

"Well looks like we're at an impasse, then. How about you just stick to the grenade throwing and my foot will stay out of your ass?" Shepard spat.

They moved ahead skirting shadows. Any patch of cover with shade was an oasis.

Shepard's shields beeped alarmingly as they dashed across an open square, and a rocket had them scattering for any cover they could find.

She was a fraction too slow and the scant cover on offering was in direct sunlight, causing her shields to collapse with a sick technical beep. Immediately she felt her skin prickle under the radiation.

She would be tanned like a raisin by the time this was over. Or develop skin cancer. Whichever really.

"Fuck! Charge them for better ground, or we'll be crispy critters!" She yelled at her partners, making them move their asses.

They would have to just take the detachment of geth; it was too risky to get pinned down with the hostile environment.

It was how she took a bullet to the abdomen.

One moment she had been running alongside Miranda, the next she was flat on her back blinking against the harsh sunlight. Something warm ran down her stomach, inside her armor.

"Shit, Zaeed! Shepard's down! Get us some space; I need to patch her up."

With a strength Shepard hadn't thought she possessed, Miranda dragged Shepard behind a rusty red drum. Someone was gasping loudly in Shepard's ear and with absent surprise Shepard realized it was her.

"Miranda. I've been shot."

"That would be why you're gushing blood, yes."

Miranda grabbed some medical supplies from the pouch strapped to her thigh and Shepard felt her hands on her stomach.

"Armor stopped most of it. Hang on, I'll just have to pull the bullet out. It'll sting but I promise the medi-gel will fix it in a moment."

"Ow. That burns like...like being shot really." Shepard said lamely.

"Yes, I imagine so. Why weren't you using your Barrier?"

Mentally Shepard smacked herself on the back of the head. '_You idiot.' _

"I ah, forgot, I guess and I didn't have time. The sun's frying my brain."

"Medi-gel will fix it."

The shock was wearing off, and the pain dulling. The wound didn't feel deep or like it had hit anything important. "I know. Here, help me up. I'll be fine."

"No problem."

Together, Shepard stumbling a little, they rejoined Zaeed. Shepard's blue armor was stained red all down the front, but she would live.

They had to blow open a door with charges but eventually they were able to meet up with Kal'Reegar, a quarian with a bright red suit. Ahead a geth Colossus fired volley after volley at them.

"Fucking shit, Shepard. How are we going to charge that one? I signed up for just one suicide mission remember." Zaeed said and motioned violently to the geth.

"Don't worry, Zaeed. I'll protect you."

He coughed doubtfully. "Yeah, like the way you were knocked on your ass before."

Shepard ignored him and continued her conversation with Kal'Reegar. He was adamant that he wanted to help them, despite a suit rupture. Shepard could take a hit; quarians couldn't, lest they die from infection days later.

Shepard admired his loyalty to Tali, but forced him down when he tried to take on the Colossus.

"Hey. You need to stay down. You can watch our back from here, but take a few shots when you get the chance. Tali needs you alive, alright marine?

"You'll get her out safely, Shepard?" He examined her, eyes glowing beneath his mask.

"You have my word. I'm not letting anything happen to Tali."

Kal'Reegar nodded reluctantly and collapsed back against the wall.

"Zaeed, cover up. You're the heavy hitter, keep that suppressing fire going. You stop for sec, and your ass is mine. Keep 'em off us."

She motioned Zaeed to the side, and then pointed to Miranda.

"Miranda, I want you with me. Biotic detonations all the time. You got me? You see me Pull one of them, I want his ass blown up a second later."

The two women moved to the corridor of crates on the left side of the clearing but Shepard paused to throw another order at Zaeed.

"Oh and Zaeed, you spread those grenades and concussive shots around like they're your lonely mommy's legs and it's Friday night out in GethTown. Alrighty there?"

"You got it. You feisty little bitch." He barked with throaty laughter. Shepard privately thought he needed to quit smoking.

Miranda and Shepard were a force to be reckoned with. Their old grudge somewhat laid aside they worked like a well-oiled team, almost as efficiently as Shepard had been with Kaidan. The shields that so annoyed Shepard were taken care of, geth were crushed into tin can-like metal parts or floated harmlessly for Zaeed to blow out of the air. Shepard's stomach pulled against the medi-gel seal, but she ignored it.

_'No pain, no gain, marine.'_

The Colossus was waiting.

She and Miranda charged ahead, geth shots impacting their fragile shields or in Shepard's case her Barrier that she remembered to activate. Zaeed's loud shots echoed in the clearing of cement and rusted red debris adding to the mechanical chattering of geth.

Shepard's leg muscles burned, hot air burnt her lungs and adrenaline pumped through her systems. The shot to the stomach she'd taken was forgotten, the only tell was a slight shake of her hands.

Miranda's omni-tool worked on the Colossus' shields as soon as they were close enough while Shepard beat back any geth foolish enough to get close.

The Colossus finally fired on them, realizing that they were the true danger, not the other loud human. It fired and as Shepard dived out of the way, Miranda let out a loud scream. In an echo of when Shepard was shot, this time Shepard dragged her behind cover.

There was a metal pipe embedded in her thigh, and her already pale heart-shaped face was the color of curdled milk.

"Oh Miranda."

"Too slow. Stupid me, huh?"

"No more stupid than I am. Actually that might not be a comfort. Look that should probably stay in to stop the bleeding for the moment. You sit tight, alright? I'll take care of this." Miranda nodded, Shepard thought there might have been a tiny sheen of tears in her eyes.

Really, Shepard didn't know if she could take it alone. She felt a tiny trickle of fear. Zaeed was far back and she was alone against this monstrous thing, so much bigger than herself. It was Akuze all over again.

_'You are worth more than what you can do for others.'_

Shepard thought back to her morning with Samara, the peace she'd found and Samara's faith in her biotics.

Kaidan's eyes were such a nice brown and she would damn well live to see them again.

Shepard thrust out her arm. This time her mind was not panicking, but a great ocean of serenity. Shepard had a fierce drive to protect the ones she cared for. And god help her, she _cared_ for Miranda.

The Singularity expanded on impact with the Colossus and it was the largest one she had ever created, even bigger the ones on the Minagen X3.

It was beautiful.

It was strong enough to lift the Colossus off the ground, its large legs flailing. Zaeed whooped loudly and threw a grenade at its exposed underbelly. A great explosion rocked against the circuitry and with the largest smile she could possibly hoist on her face Shepard fired a Warp off at it too.

There was a great blue fire, mechanical whining and the sweet sound of her biotics detonating.

The Colossus head slid to rest at Shepard feet.

She was the queen of killing geth and she'd never been prouder of herself.

"I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite way to kill geth!" Shepard whooped and jumped a little in the air.

With a twirl she spun her pistol by its grip and shoved it in her holster by her hip.

"Yeah, yeah. How about you stop crowing and go get Tali?" Miranda croaked at her.

"Oh right. You'll be ok for a minute?" Shepard quickly crossed to her, checking her out. She seemed mostly ok.

"I haven't bled out yet. Just excruciating pain." The Cerberus agent groaned good-naturedly.

"Ok."

Shepard dashed to the room Tali was holed up in, her heart overjoyed at reuniting with a member of her crew happy to see her.

"Tali!"

"Shepard!"

Shepard took Tali into her arms with the tightest hug she could muster. Her stomach twinged in protest but she ignored it and inhaled the peculiar smell of antibiotics, disinfectant and the patterned feel of Tali's suit under her fingers.

"I missed you Tali. I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to speak properly on Freedom's Progress."

Under her mask, Tali's eyes were creased in a smile.

"It's ok Shepard. I've missed you too. I'm ready to come with you now that I've got the data on Haestrom's sun. I just lost most of my squad; the Admiralty Board can just accept that I'm coming with you." She waved her three fingered hand as if to say '_they can go fuck themselves_.'

"It will be good to have you home - I mean, back aboard the _Normandy_. I-I mean it's not the same as the old one but…." Shepard stammered, a little tongue-tied. She was just so pleased that Tali was glad to see her, that she didn't have any secrets or lies to hide.

"It will be like old times Shepard. I'm looking forward to catching up with you."

"You didn't lose your whole squad, ma'am." A male voice cut in from the doorway and Shepard grinned at the way Tali spun.

_'Oooh, Tali. Little crush maybe?'_

"Kal'Reegar?" Tali sounded breathlessly please to see him ok.

"I'll give you two some space. I need to check on Miranda anyway." Shepard backed out of the room; it looked like they barely took any note of her.

"Nice space magic there, Princess." Zaeed complimented outside. He took a great puff on his cigar and feeling playful, Shepard snatched it off him.

"Why thank you Zaeed. Showed your mother a good time I see. Nice work."

She left him with a dumb expression on his face and went to sit by Miranda.

* * *

She and Miranda sat on a concrete wall while they waited for pick up. Sweat poured down Miranda's face but otherwise Shepard had doped her up with painkillers and she seemed ok. She kept looking at her thigh, a green tinge creeping over her round cheeks.

Shepard felt she should distract her from the hunk of metal stuck in her leg.

"So you and Jacob used to have a thing?"

Miranda raised her brow, and turned her face to Shepard's. A warm wind blew over the two women, making their dark hair dance.

Shepard shrugged smiling at her incredulous expression. "He told me, when I was in the armory the other week. Don't know if your little file mentioned that, but I can be pretty charming when I want to be."

"Actually I believe your file mentions you can be emotionally manipulative when you want to be. There was no talk of actual charm." Miranda sniffed, a small smile lifting the corner of her mouth.

"Huh. You say 'to-may-to', and I say 'to-mah-to'."

There was a silence for a moment and Shepard took the time to admire the heat shimmers rising from the ground. It really was beautiful in a way. It reminded her of another hot planet and happier times. She took a puff of Zaeed's cigar and watched the smoke drift away. It tasted terrible and she felt a little ill, but she felt gloriously alive too.

"So, why didn't it work out? You seem to work well together." Shepard needled Miranda, determined to get some gossip out of her.

"You need more than that, Shepard." Miranda sighed and waved Shepard's smoke out of her face.

"Yeah I know, but still. I'm curious."

"Why?"

Shepard took the time to consider her words carefully, speaking haltingly. "I guess…I always thought of you as an enemy, someone to be wary around. But seeing you with Oriana, I guess I realized that you're just like me. Just trying to do your job, trying to do what you think is right."

"…I'm flattered. I know our relationship has been at best…strained. But I do respect you, Shepard. I wouldn't have worked so hard to bring you back if I didn't."

"Likewise. Now spill: What happened with ol' Jake?"

Miranda looked away from Shepard to study the heat shimmers for herself. Zaeed kicked over a deactivated geth in the distance. "Nothing happened. I just realized he wanted some things out of life. Things I couldn't give him….and it wouldn't have been fair to stay together. Besides our professional relationship…I didn't want it to suffer."

"Working relationships can work, you know. You just have to be careful."

_'You just had to be careful.'_ That was why she and Kaidan snuck around like thieves in the night. That was why he messed with the marine schedule to co-ordinate their sleep cycles so he could sneak into her cabin. That was why he very nearly disobeyed her order to abandon ship. That was why they were such a mess now.

"Uh huh. And how's that working out for you?" Miranda seemed to know what she was thinking. Her words cut Shepard with the truth.

Shepard really was not a fan of the harsh truth. She looked away, back to the sun and took another puff of the disgusting cigar. The glare blinded her for a moment.

"I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. The pain kind of makes me a bitch." Miranda said quietly. She sounded sincere.

"It's ok, you're right." Shepard shrugged and looked back to her. "What things couldn't you give Jacob? You seem so put together, what-"

"Children. I'm…I'm sterile. It's a consequence of the way I was…made." Miranda said shortly.

"Oh. I'm so sorry. I-I didn't know." Shepard blinked, and stammered. She hadn't expected Miranda to reveal something so personal.

"How could you? It's fine. I've come to terms with it." Miranda waved her hand airily as if to dismiss Shepard's condolences. Shepard could tell she would hate pity or any fussing over it.

"Was it something you planned in your life?" Shepard asked. She was curious. Miranda didn't really seem the nurturing sort. But, she corrected mentally, she loved Oriana like a daughter. It wasn't really so surprising.

"Before I found out? I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it."

"Well, on the bright side you get to keep that smokin' hot body of yours." Shepard grinned, trying to lighten the atmosphere. She made an hourglass shape with her hands as Miranda actually laughed.

"Ha! Yes, well. That's true. This body is perfect after all."

Silence returned for a moment, but a comfortable one. It was nice now, sitting in the sun. It was beginning to set, most of the heat coming off the ground. Shepard was a little sleepy, like a lizard basking too long on a rock. If not for the dull ache in her abdomen she thought she would have slept right where she sat.

"Did you?" Miranda interrupted her lazy thoughts.

"Did I what? Have a smokin' hot bod? Sure, I heard no complaints. Now I'm a little less than perfect. Man, that Lazarus job of yours wasn't the best resurrection I've seen. Jesus never got a boob job, y'know."

"What? I didn't…Never mind. No, Shepard. I meant did you plan for kids?"

Shepard laughed at the question. "Ha! No, definitely not. I'd be a terrible mother; the only things I know how to do are get very angry and kill things. Besides, I remember my brother when he was young. It's not easy, and I can't…I can't be responsible like that again."

"Responsible?" Miranda queried. She shifted her injured leg slightly and winced as she moved to turn more fully to Shepard.

"Yeah. Little people who need you, I can't do that again. It's so soul-destroying when you inevitably fail. And you always do in the end. 'Least people like me do."

_You stupid little pig, you made me do that. You shouldn't get me angry._

_Her jaw is dislocated. Ow it hurts, it hurts so badly. Please make it stop._

"But what if you fell in love or-"

Shepard's tone was hard and flat. "No, that's phony sentimentality that ends with a bad mother raising broken kids. Besides you ever think this ship has a weirdly high proportion of daddy and mommy issues? Says something right there." Shepard explained with a shrug. Life in space was not meant for those with families. Ash's dad knew that and Ash and her sisters were raised well on solid ground. Shepard had been jealous. Hell, even life on Earth wasn't meant for families most of the time.

Miranda opened her mouth and seemed to think better of it, falling silent.

"We'll have to take care of Samara, Thane and Jacob's issues too. I think you need to use your superior brain and start a time table up of everyone's deep seated issues, color code for Freudian complexes and rank by urgency." Shepard said with a straight face. Miranda's mouth twitched like she wasn't sure if she was supposed to smile or not.

"You're joking, aren't you?"

Shepard's smile broke her calm expression. "Yup. Kai- I mean someone used to tell me it was just my way of deflecting any attention, attempt at seriousness, or questions I didn't wanna hear away from myself."

"And how does it work for you?"

"Pretty well. Got you off that topic, didn't it?" Shepard smirked.

"What did you say, when that person told you that?"

_'You like doing that, don't you?' Kaidan smiles like he's figured out the secret to the universe. He's tinkering with the Mako and she'd just come down to say goodnight to him and Garrus. It was the end of her shift but his wasn't over for another two hours. _

_'What?'_

_ Of course, she's gotten distracted by the sight of him all grimy with engine oil and the tuft of his hair sticking up at the back. Garrus has gone to bed in the time she's been talking to Kaidan, she didn't get a chance to even speak to him._

_'Making a joke, taking attention away from things you don't like.' He still has that stupid little smile of his on his face, as he leans against the Mako toying with his omni-tool. _

_'Oh sorry, Dr. Seuss. Didn't realize you were an expert in human behavior.' There's no one around so she leans in to play with the hem of his shirt. _

_'Dr. Seuss?' Kaidan's brows draw together. _

_Shepard shrugs. 'You know, that dude with all the psycho mumbo jumbo.'_

_'Freud you mean?' He's smiling again and brings his hand around her back to slip under her shirt. His palms leave grease stains on her clean skin. They're cold compared to her warmth and she shivers._

_'Yeah him, whatever. Dude who said men wanna bang all their moms or everything is a penis.'_

_'You're doing it again.' He leans in, so slowly, his eyes darting around for any other officers. There's none so he kisses her._

_Eventually she pulls back. She's so tired lately and needs rest. _

_'Shut up, Mr Sentinel, and get back to work.' She punches him lightly on the arm, dancing out of his reach. _

_ 'Shepard!'_

_'Now riddle me this, smarty-pants: am I deflecting or covering up my embarrassing animal attraction to you? You'll never know.'_

_He huffs with amusement, his eyes warm and light._

_'Have a good shift, soldier. I am going to sleep. Alone. In my very big bed. Which you most definitely cannot crawl into later with your stupid cold feet.' _

"I distracted him and he forgot what he'd been saying." Shepard answered Miranda. She could hear her voice come out distracted and vague. She was smiling for no reason and quickly wiped her face back to neutral. It was over and she was not that woman anymore.

"Sonovabitch!"

In the pile of rubble, Zaeed had kicked something and was now hopping around on one foot swearing like a sailor. Shepard tried not to laugh too hard; her stomach would probably fall out.

"What about you, what's _your_ unfinished business?" Miranda asked taking her attention from Zaeed.

"Mine is all finished. I have my mission, that's all I need." Shepard thought about the one thing she needed to do but was too scared to face. "I was thinking…I was thinking if-…when we make it through I'll visit where my ship went down, where I-I...died and everything ended. Um…A-Alchera, I got an email with the coordinates. I'll pay my respects. After that, I don't know. I'm just living until the Collector's aren't anymore. I will outlast them."

Shepard sighed, examining granules of sand on the concrete wall. She rubbed her fingers encased in her glove over them, wishing she could feel the texture to distract herself from being honest. She had done that a lot as a kid, focused on tiny little details, obsessed over them so she wouldn't have to think about the massive ones. The ones that hurt.

"Gotta hand it to me. I have a totally impressive survival instinct. Except for lasers, we so don't mess with those anymore since one blew me out into space. I think if I avoid them for the rest of my life I should be pretty much immortal."

Miranda laughed a little uneasily; probably surprised she'd talk about her own destruction. "Well that's easy, just stay well away from Reaper's beams and you won't need my skills."

"Oh Miri. I'll always need your skills. Have I told you how sweet it is that you Overload shit? Because it is."

Miranda had a pretty laugh, delicate and graceful just like her. But she sobered quickly and seemed to become intensely focused on Shepard. "Shepard…I need to talk to you about something after _this _Collector thing is all over."

"What?"

"It's just another family issue. I'm not sure how to make it right…but I think it's best we face the Collectors first. Who knows if we'll even come back?"

Inside, Shepard's heart fell a little. Another thing to take care of even after the Collectors. She had vaguely hoped, if she survived, to surrender to the Alliance and get re-commissioned.

"I promise I'll help you as best I can with it, is it about your dad? Anyway, you have to believe we will come back, or you've already lost."

"Do you?" Miranda asked. "Believe we'll come back?"

Shepard didn't answer, just flicked the stupid cigar away. She had enough, and luckily the shuttle was just landing on the other side of the concrete field. _Finally_ they could leave. She waved to Tali and hollered at Zaeed. "Zaeed Massani, you over-grown monkey! Get your ass into that shuttle before it gets set on fire."

"Come on Miranda, or Tali might fry his ass." Shepard picked Miranda up in her arms, grunting under her weight. She was heavier than she looked.

_'Thank god for muscle weaves and gene therapy.'_

"Thanks, Shepard. And I'm sorry."

Shepard frowned, why was she apologizing? It wasn't her fault she'd been hit.

"It's alright Miranda. We're a team; you're not the first person I've carried and you won't be the last."


	15. Criminal Elements

_A big thank you to my regular readers and faithful reviewers. You make this a joy. Also thanks to avril, my perfect beta. Without her I couldn't be half as coherent._

* * *

Shepard picked gingerly at the blue strap draped over her shoulder and made an unhappy face at her reflection in the mirror. She could not _believe_ she was doing this; it was like stuffing Wrex into a tutu.

Kasumi had crammed Shepard into her small bathroom, tutting and fussing over her hair and makeup. Shepard had really wanted to help Garrus with Sidonis first, but the party had been scheduled for today and Shepard couldn't let Kasumi down. They were in orbit over Bekenstein, the party starting in mere hours.

It would have been the height of hypocrisy for Shepard to ask Kasumi to let Keiji go.

She'd probably never let Kaidan go if it was the same situation. '_Well actually_,' she mentally amended, '_I would probably nuke Hock's ass from orbit. And then spit on the ashes.'_

A little stealing and chumming with rich criminal scum seemed restrained in comparison.

"Shepard, stop fidgeting. You look great, like sex on legs." Kasumi teased and waved the hairbrush she had been yanking through Shepard's hair in her face.

"I look stupid. Are you positively sure I couldn't wear my armor?" Shepard whined and shoved the hairbrush back at Kasumi. In the mirror someone Shepard didn't recognise looked back at her, her eyes impossibly blue and large, her lips painted like a china doll's.

"Absolutely." Kasumi replied.

"Hmpf." Shepard huffed though she couldn't deny Kasumi knew her shit.

Apparently armor would stand out at a fancy party.

_'Wrong kind of party if you ask me, then.'_

Even though Shepard didn't exactly hate dresses, she never would have worn one voluntarily. But this one was beautiful. It was a shade of blue that echoed her armor and draped in uneven waves to fall near her knees, with a longer train down the back. It reminded Shepard of the ocean waves and she grudgingly admitted to herself that she liked it, her new curves were emphasised while still being tasteful and best of all she could move, roll, jump and shoot without it getting in the way. Kasumi knew Shepard well enough that there would be no chance in hell of getting her into the tight fitting leather dress she'd originally bought, so while on Illium after Thane's recruitment, she had dragged Shepard into a ridiculously expensive asari boutique. Kasumi's face had been far too excited as she had held Shepard's arm and led her from rack to rack trying to find a dress that Shepard wouldn't rip off in frustration after two minutes.

Shepard thought ruefully that she had almost been in tears from boredom, along with horror. Kasumi had even insisted on lacy new bras and panties. Underwear was not meant to go the places she saw on the boutique's mannequins.

Shepard had put her foot down then. "There's a snowball's chance in hell you'll get me wearing that, Kasumi." She had said as the thief held up a lacy black scrap of what passed for a bra.

"What are you gonna do then, Shep? Wear one of those heavy duty sports bras, that you _so_ love, under your dress? You'll fit in real well." Kasumi had laughed and threw the bra in her face. At the counter the asari cashier rolled her eyes at their antics.

"Ugh, fine! But I swear, they better be comfortable!"

Shepard had protested and made a show of annoyance at the counter, but when the asari rang up their purchases for an amount Shepard couldn't have afforded after a year's wages in the Alliance, she had beamed as she handed over the Illusive Man's credits.

Now, Shepard fidgeted in the chair Kasumi had plonked her in. The underwear wasn't _that_ bad, but she still felt a bit _too_ 'pushed up' and plucked at her cleavage. Armor and sports bras were mean to flatten things, so this felt damn strange. Shepard felt like she was a passenger in her own body - this one which was exfoliated and plucked and perfumed was a stranger. Along with Lazarus' little tweaks, Shepard hardly recognized herself.

She was half tempted to rip it all off and wear her armor anyway.

Shepard had never really been anywhere fancy before. Hell, she and Kaidan had never even been on a real date before.

"Huh." That realization stumped Shepard for a moment.

"What?" Kasumi asked as she applied some rouge to Shepard's cheek. It tickled and made her scrunch her nose, but it was...pleasant to be there, with her friend.

"I just realized I fell in love with a guy who never even bought me dinner before I slept with him."

"You just realized this now? Ha! I wouldn't have given him the time of day."

"Yeah. Weird, right? Damn, I was ripped off there." Shepard said, but really she was joking. She and Kaidan had never played by those silly dating rules.

"We kinda jumped right into it all." Shepard said, biting her lip. Kasumi smacked her on the shoulder, to stop her from smudging her lipstick. Shepard shot her a dirty look and continued, "I never really thought about it, but I don't think either of us was really thinking beyond day to day. And it's strange but I don't think we were great at spontaneity, usually."

"Do you regret jumping right in?" Kasumi asked. She picked up a wicked-looking curling iron and went to work on Shepard's hair.

Shepard thought for a moment, remembering.

"No, not really. I regret how it ended." She sighed.

Kasumi sounded so sad when she replied, "So do I," and Shepard knew she was thinking about Keiji's end.

When they were done they left for the bridge. Shepard had to give Joker some orders, and pass command of the ship over to Miranda while she was ashore. Shepard internally did a victory dance that she had managed to talk Kasumi out of high heels. She had neat little silver wedges on; they were almost as comfortable as her combat boots.

"Krogan's hairy quads. Is that _you_, Princess?"

It was Zaeed, lurking in the hallway. Shepard noted with amusement that in his surprise he'd dropped ashes from his cigar all down his front. He eyed her with unconcealed surprise and something that made Shepard want to vomit a little in her mouth.

"Yeah, yeah. Eyes front Zaeed, or I swear I will-"

"You'll what? Take one of those pretty little heels off and hit me with it?"

Shepard rolled her eyes, and with a flare and a swipe of her hand shoved him face-first into the wall.

"I wouldn't touch you, anyway. I would be too afraid to lose my little friends to your ball-busting attitude." He laughed throatily and wiped his face. She'd spilt his lip.

"A reasonable fear, Massani. You behave while I'm gone or I'll let Grunt know that you're the one who ate his food last week."

"You would, too. Fine, fine. Old Zaeed will behave himself. I think I'll go take a nap, I now have some good material right here." Zaeed made a lewd movement with his hands.

"Ugh. What a pig." Kasumi said as Zaeed lumbered off down the hall.

Shepard shrugged. "He's just trying to get a rise out of me; it's his little power game. We both know who will come out on top though, and it's not him. He's mostly harmless."

"It's the 'mostly' that concerns me." Kasumi replied and made air-quotes.

On the bridge she ignored the stares of the rest of the crew and went to stand by Joker's seat, Miranda was seated by his side, apparently annoying him with suggestions for the flight controls.

"For the last time, Miranda: I've been doing this all my life and-"

Shepard cleared her throat.

"Oh hey, Commander-" Joker turned to her and she saw the exact moment he took in what she was wearing. His eyes went comically wide.

"Holy shit! What happened to _you_?!"

"Nothing '_happened_' to me. It's called 'going undercover', you idiot."

"I know but...wow. Alenko would cream his pants. You look really pretty, Shepard. It's a shock."

Shepard raised an unimpressed eyebrow. "So what you're saying is I usually look not-pretty?"

"Uh no, no. I mean you're gorgeous, but wow the armor tends to- Ok look, I'm quitting while I'm ahead. I'm not Alenko here. You look hot Shep, knock 'em dead." Joker smirked, and held up his hand for a high five. Shepard grinned; she was just messing with him about the pretty comment, and gently returned the high five.

"Don't you worry, Joker. I will mess their shit up and get that greybox, with just my considerable charms and womanly wiles."

Joker snorted and put on a mock-officious tone. "Yeah those 'charms and wiles' of yours usually involve shit blowing up. You have fun now, and remember curfew is midnight. I don't want have to drag you home, young lady. And no, you can't bring any strange boys home."

"No fun, dad."

"Hey, someone needs to be a responsible adult around here." Joker shrugged in his leather seat and turned back to the flight controls.

"Alright. Keep her quiet and safe, Joker. I want the _Normandy_ to be spotless by the time I get back. So much as a scrape-"

"Yeah, I know. I promise to not get her blown up this time." He said, glumly.

"Alright. Bring her down and dock in the space port." Shepard said, ignoring his new bout of self-flagellation over the SR1's destruction. She was too nervous right now to argue with him over it.

Outside the window she saw Bekenstein slowing grow larger and larger until they hit atmosphere, flying down through the clouds. A tingle of excitement ran through Shepard.

"You look very beautiful, Shepard." Miranda stood and appraised her. She reached a hand out to gently smooth an unruly lock of Shepard's curly hair behind her ear and smiled.

Unlike their earlier interactions, when Miranda looked at her, Shepard now saw respect and a small burgeoning friendship in her eyes.

"Thanks, Miranda." Shepard smiled. "You'll be ok in command while I'm gone?"

"Absolutely. I'll keep everyone in line." Miranda saluted her and together Shepard and Kasumi strolled to the airlock.

The cool tone of EDI welcomed them to Bekenstein: "Logged. The Commanding Officer is ashore, XO Lawson has the deck."

Shepard never really had gotten used to not hearing Pressly's name.

* * *

Shepard found herself struck dumb by the sight of Hock's house.

_'It's not a house, it's a fucking mansion.'_ She thought, her mouth falling open a little.

People draped in precious gems and hideous furs milled around the entrance for security to check them over. They were almost all overwhelmingly beautiful, and Shepard saw quite a few asari and even a few women she thought might have been famous models and vid stars.

One sniffed at her disdainfully, eyeing her small shoes. The woman towered over Shepard, in heels that looked like they could puncture a man's sternum.

Shepard suddenly felt a little stupid in her outfit, her previous confidence boost gone. Kasumi seemed to notice and patted her on the back. "Shep, you look ten times as good as these people. Remember you're Allison Gunn: criminal extraordinaire, not Allison Gunn: model extraordinaire."

"Hell yeah. You're right. Let's go fuck this party up, Kasumi." Shepard strode towards security, pumped up and ready to steal stuff.

She knew how to steal, she knew how to talk to criminals, she knew how to fight and protect herself and she was _not_ here to get intimated by air-headed rich snobs.

The life in the Reds, where she had no power and no choice, was over. She could do this.

_'I'm Commander-fuckin'-Shepard._' She mentally psyched herself.

They hit a snag, when Donovan Hock himself oozed over to them. He was suspicious of Kasumi and alarm bells began ringing in Shepard's head. He was dangerous.

Hock turned to Shepard, "I'm afraid I have not made the pleasure of your acquaintance, Ms...?"

"Gunn. Allison Gunn. And I've heard so much about you, Mr Hock." Shepard did her best to put on a simpering tone, while still seeming a believable merc leader. It seemed to work: his eyes lit up at her obsequiousness. His eyes lingered on her chest as he shook her hand. Shepard had to resist, with all her considerable will, not to wipe it on the satin of her dress.

"Ms Gunn, shall we continue our chat inside? I'm afraid I do not like your friend here, she will have to wait outside."

Out of the corner of her eye Shepard saw Kasumi nod. So be it, they would do it his way. Kasumi had her tactical cloak anyway. Shepard reached a silent agreement with Kasumi; they'd meet up inside when they were able.

"By all means, Mr Hock. Lead the way." She cooed.

"Please Ms Gunn, call me Donovan." His hand came around her back to guide her inside and she had to resist doing what she'd done earlier to Zaeed.

_'Disgusting.'_

She couldn't help the little gasp that left her mouth when they cleared the entry hall. If she thought it was impressive outside, inside was shocking.

He had an orchestra playing upstairs; she could hear the sweet strings of harps and violins. A small dance floor had been set up, partially spilling onto the upstairs balcony. Shepard could see couples swaying on it to the gentle music, a breeze from the lake far below caressing their hair and fashionable clothes.

Sparkling champagne flutes were carried around by impeccably dressed waiters. Their suits looked even crisper than Shepard's old Alliance dress blues.

Every surface gleamed, priceless curios tastefully decorating the walls. Her heels tapped on marble floors that would cost as much as a whole house on Earth. The premium on space back on Earth made even hovels out of the price range of most poor or middle class people. It was why off-world colonization had been so successful. Shepard had never even lived in a house that anyone owned. Her mother had shuffled them from housing commissions, women's shelters and sometimes they had squatted. She had been so surprised when Kaidan said his family owned land, not to mention an orchard in the Okanagan.

She could just make out a small library tucked neatly along one side of the room and she instinctively knew that it would be full of priceless first editions.

Hock seemed pleased with her reaction, the pressure on her back returned as he guided her further in. His fingers stroked a little where her bra strap just poked out from the strap of her dress. Shepard's stomach heaved. Hock snapped his fingers and a waiter appeared with glasses of champagne for them.

Hock handed one to Shepard and she took it without fear. He'd be very disappointed if he hoped to get her drunk; biotics burnt off champagne and even weak medication like it was water in minutes. Shepard usually needed to drink a lot quickly, and the hard stuff to get to the state she had been while drinking on Illium. It was obviously a power tactic, to lower her defences. Or to get in her pants.

_'Not today, slimeball. I wouldn't so much as kiss you if you were the last man in the galaxy._'

Shepard smiled sweetly, taking a sip. Let him underestimate her; her hair covered her implant marks perfectly. She didn't even need a gun to kill ten men. Predators like him always learnt in the end that Shepard was never going to be their victim.

_'So little Red, when are you and me going to have some fun? You're not so little anymore...'_

Shepard shook her head slightly, banishing the memoires.

"So Ms Gunn-" Hock started and Shepard decided to go all out with her charm. All the easier to take him for all he was worth.

"Oh please, call me Allison." She said, and laid a hand on his arm briefly.

"Allison then." He smiled, his stupid little moustache twitching over his lips like a dark caterpillar. "I've heard much talk lately of your operations on the extranet. Tell me: where is your main area of business?"

Shepard shrugged one narrow, bare shoulder daintily."Management mostly. I can run a crew like a pro. We do a lot of work in the Argos Rho cluster."

"ArgosRho? Impressive, that's quite heavily Alliance-patrolled." Hock said. Shepard detected no sarcasm in his voice.

"Oh but _Donovan_." Shepard smirked and leaned in to him conspiratorially, making sure he got a nice view of her chest. "I didn't get where I am today by playing it _safe_. If you get my meaning."

_'Christ Shepard, why don't you throw in a 'come hither' wink next time?' _In her brain she shoved her fingers down her throat in disgust.

Hock's grin widened, his gaze wandering down her body. "Obviously. You are rather an intriguing woman. But please, I must beg your forgiveness; I see a colleague of mine I really must speak to."

His gaze shifted from the wide flare of her hips over her shoulder. It looked like a Hahne-Kedar CEO if Shepard's memory served her correctly.

_'Well, they are __**so**__ off the supply list.'_ Shepard made a mental note. Their armor sucked anyway.

"Of course." She replied.

"I trust you'll stay a while?" He touched her arm again, running down the freckles there.

"I wouldn't be anywhere else."

"Then I look forward to continuing our discussion later." Hock took her hand and actually kissed it. He left a small, wet patch of saliva behind.

_'Oh hell no. First chance I get, buddy, I have a bullet with your name on it.'_

Masking her disgust, Shepard smiled and headed towards the library area, snagging another glass of champagne and _hors d'oeuvres_ on the way. There, it would be safe to perform a little reconnaissance and wait for Kasumi to make her way in and find her. She had to admit to herself that a little of her motivation was her fascination for books. She couldn't actually read them that well, Shepard made do with her reports as the extent of her reading time. But the old bindings and paper were a rare novelty. Datapads were the norm, people were considered kooks, or old fashioned to keep books around. Or in Hock's case, with his priceless collection, overwhelmingly rich.

Idly, she leant against the bookshelf, her hands gently tracing the spines. Kaidan had books, he had told her. Silly little adventure paperbacks, space adventures and romantic tales of heroes triumphing over evil and winning the woman he loved. Good people getting the best of the villains. His mother had saved them all from when he was a boy. He'd been a little embarrassed when Shepard had teased him about them.

Shepard moodily scanned the titles and saw one called '_The Call of Cthulhu'_. She wondered what stupid thing it could be about. Not for the first time she wished she was clever, like Kaidan or Miranda and had time to learn to read better. Kaidan had said he'd teach her one time...

_'Well...there went that dream.'_

She turned from the books, suddenly annoyed with them and began her surveillance.

As the minutes ticked by she quickly made out all the exits and points of interest. Upstairs was still unknown but she would check that out when Kasumi returned. Shepard soon became bored and tried to amuse her brain by people watching. She had fun imagining the ways in which she would have picked these people's pockets when she was a kid. It might be more difficult, a few of them looked like they knew a thing or two about murder but Shepard was confident she'd be light enough on her feet to get away. Hypothetically, of course.

_'In this place I would have gotten enough loot to feed Milo for a lifetime._' She thought derisively.

Her eyes fell to the back of a man in a tux, standing with two other elegantly dressed women near a water feature. For a moment she took the time to objectively appreciate his height, the strong line of his shoulders, and how the cut of his suit emphasized them.

'_Not to mention that ass..._' she thought smirking. Her eyes trailed back up as he shifted turning around, his dark curly hair was smoothed neatly back and he had a very nice nose and oh my god-

'_Motherfucker!_'

Shepard jumped, her heart transformed into a jackhammer of nerves and panic.

Only her quick reflexes allowed her to catch the flute of sweet champagne she dropped and she still spilt half of it on the floor.

The man who she had been lasciviously eyeing was _Kaidan Alenko._


	16. Mr and Mrs Gunn

Shepard regretted eating those _hors d'oeuvres_, they were doing funny things in her stomach. Kaidan was _here,_ here at the gorgeous party where she had no armor, no preparation, and her heart was still bleeding and broken.

He was going to ruin everything, _again. _

He wasn't allowed to exist in the same space as these people. He was good and pure and everything she and these criminals were not. He was supposed to be on the Citadel, safe and screwing his smart doctor.

_'Fucking prick. I'll kill him.'_

Galvanized by her shock, fear and anger, Shepard shoved her champagne flute next to a priceless vase and wiped her champagne-sticky hands on some kind of pretty silk fabric hanging on the wall.

Shepard marched across the room, almost shoving a woman in a gold dress over. Shepard barely even noticed the woman's offended huff; all she saw was him.

Kaidan looked amazing, like nothing she had ever expected. The shy Lieutenant with the puppy dog eyes was gone. He had allowed a small beard to grow, presumably to blend in with merc leaders and weapon dealers. The dark shadow on his jaw made him seem more roguish and almost dangerous, far removed from his usual clean-cut good looks. His whiskey brown eyes seemed impossibly dark, emphasized by the beard. Even his hair looked suave, his pompadour tuft completely flattened.

Shepard glared at the two pretty women at his side and denied vehemently to herself the small amount of possessiveness that curled in her chest.

Kaidan's suit was impeccably cut and from this angle Shepard could just make out that he wore a crisp white shirt underneath the fitted jacket, open a few buttons in Bekenstein's summer heat to reveal a small smattering of dark chest hair.

There was a weird flop in Shepard's stomach. She stubbornly blamed it on the _hor d'oeuvres. _

How _dare_ he come here, looking like that? This was her party to steal stuff from. There was a small door, that she had noticed when she had been casing the place, off to the side of the large main room. A glimpse of it before had told her it was a large bathroom.

_'Perfect.'_

Shepard could hear him speaking to the pretty women beside him, "Yeah, I do some work in tech. You know, outfitting some Eclipse. It keeps the business-"

Shepard butted in, and hooked an arm around his. She smiled sweetly at the women's shocked expressions. "Sorry ladies, need to speak to your friend here."

With all her enhanced strength, Shepard yanked him, plucked the champagne out of his surprised grasp and manhandled him into the nearby bathroom. He struggled, not recognising her. As she let go of him to slam the door shut, he fell into a combat stance. She had to dodge out of the way of a fist aimed for her head. Kaidan flared up, a blue shimmer coating him. On instinct, Shepard flared too, raising a blue-fire hand to ward off his dark energy. Their coronas collided in a blue flash. The soap dish on the sink and towels wavered threateningly, beginning to float in Shepard and Kaidan's combined mass effect fields.

"LT! It's _me_!"

His biotics died down like a retreating tide as soon as he had a moment to actually take in her appearance. The blue faded from his eyes, and she followed with her own, returning them to their usual duller blue.

He stumbled back a step, as if she was a dream suddenly come to life or he had never seen a woman in a dress in his life. Shepard huffed, annoyed. '_Men._'

"Shepard?" He gasped. "What are you wearing-...your _hair_, oh my god."

Shepard rolled her eyes, and hoisted her dress up her chest a little from where it had slipped in their little tussle. _Stupid_ Kaidan, he seemed to have bulked up a bit in two years, he'd been heavier to move.

"No. I'm her evil twin." She said with a sarcastic quirk of her lips. "Of _course_ it's me! And _Christ_, has no man in the galaxy heard of a fricking curling iron and a push-up bra?! You nearly took my head off!"

"I-I'm sorry. I d-didn't recognize you. You look-"

He took a step towards her, his eyes roamed all over her body as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing. "You look gorgeous, Shepard. Wow."

Shepard had to work to keep the blush rising on her cheeks; his frank appreciation seemed totally earnest and lit a small fire in her heart. The compliment felt...better when it came from him rather than the rest of her crew.

"W-what are you doing here?!" He spluttered, after he collected himself from the shock.

Shepard prepared herself for more yelling.

"_'What am I doing'_? What the _hell _are you doin'?!" She hissed, grabbing his arm again and getting into his face.

Shepard was grateful the bathroom seemed to be soundproofed; the party's babble was completely silenced. It also meant she could _really _vent her displeasure at his sudden presence here.

Kaidan stood his ground, and shrugged out of her grip. "I'm doing my _job_! You never answered my question!"

"She doesn't have to. Move, _bucko_, and your brains are mush." Kasumi had somehow appeared, her tactical cloak shimmering away; she held her omni-tool at Kaidan's head, poised to deliver a killing blow. She must have slipped in when they were arguing, or been trailing Shepard the whole time. Shepard had never even heard her. One burst of Kasumi's omni-tool, so close to his head, and his brain would be scrambled egg.

Shepard lunged between them with a discordant scrape of her heels on the floor tiles, shoving Kaidan behind her with one hand and lowering Kasumi's 'tool with the other. "No, Kasumi!" She gasped. "It's fine! This is Commander Alenko, remember?"

"Oh." Kasumi blinked, and a sly smile stretched her purple lips. "_Oh!_ The _boyfriend_?"

Kasumi looked at Kaidan with new interest; under her hood Shepard could see her take a long hard look up and down his body. She gave him a dirty smirk and made a tiny thumbs-up at Shepard.

"_Kasumi_." Shepard narrowed her eyes, silently communicating to the thief that now was not the time for teasing. Behind her, Kaidan made a funny strangled noise as if he wanted to say something.

Shepard whirled on him. "What did you mean '_your job_'? The Alliance?"

Kaidan didn't seem to know where to direct his gaze when he answered. His eyes kept darting from her face and down. Shepard smacked his arm with a huff and he seemed to pick up his train of thought. A frown creased his brow. _Great_, he was angry at her still. "Yeah. What other job do I have? I don't have the luxury of running around the galaxy-"

"Don't you get snarky with _me_, Kaidan Alenko!" Shepard spat at him. If he was going to start on her about Cerberus she was going to take Zaeed's advice and take off her heel to hit him.

Kaidan glared at Shepard, his eyes darkening.

Kasumi made a small sound that sounded like '_eep_'. The thief cleared her throat and shuffled a little awkwardly. "Well. I'll just clear off then, keep working on the vault and all. Shep, I've got your earpiece patched in to my omni-tool if you need me. Um, you kids have...fun."

"Gee, thanks." Shepard whispered to her retreating back as she slipped out of the door, locking it behind her.

"Who was that?" Kaidan asked as he gently grasped her arm to turn her attention and face back to his.

Shepard shrugged his hand off her. It was very warm on her bare skin. "One of my crew. I'm here as a favor to her, Hock has stolen something that she wants back."

Kaidan frowned. "Shepard, you're stealing again?"

Shepard sighed, already tired with his shit. "Oh don't start with me. I think I got enough of that on Horizon."

He had the grace to look shamefaced. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for- for it to go down the way it did. I said some hurtful things."

"Yes, you did." Shepard nodded, but felt a little guilt gnaw at her. She was not exactly innocent either in the Horizon mess. "So did I. I'm sorry for hitting you, by the way."

Kaidan shrugged and smiled a little. "It's ok."

There was a slightly awkward silence, Shepard's gaze wandered around the bathroom studying the gold faucets to avoid his eyes.

"Why has the Alliance sent you here?" She finally said, searching for something to say but also worried for him. At least she had Kasumi with her. "No back-up? You shouldn't be alone, Hock is dangerous. You're not an Infiltrator, they should have sent-"

"I'm fine, Shepard. Don't fuss." Kaidan laughed a little, probably amused at her attempted mothering of him. She had a bad habit of fussing over her crew, even grown-ass men, badass krogan and spiky turians. "It's a covert, single-manned op. Anderson got a tip that Donovan Hock has information that is sensitive to Alliance operational integrity. He trusts me to take care of it; I think he's grooming me for the Spec...well, something more. I'm here to find out what it is and, if I can, recover it."

"It's a greybox," Shepard said with a smug little snort, she finally had one over him. "Keiji Okuda's. He apparently uncovered some classified secrets. Hock wants it."

Kaidan did a double-take. "What?"

"Yeah. I'm here for it too. Keiji was my friend Kasumi's partner, and...lover." Shepard's gaze skittered away from Kaidan's.

_'The lover always leaves.'_

"He was killed- no. He was _murdered_ and she wants to protect the memories she has of him. And I'm gonna help her. "

Kaidan was insistent, moving closer to her. "Shepard. You _can't_. I need to take that greybox back to the Alliance. You can't let personal feelings-"

"The _hell_ I can't!" Shepard took another step towards him, and jabbed him a little with a forefinger to the chest. "You _aren't_ my commanding officer, Kaidan. You can't just tell me what to do."

"For god's sake. I'm not telling you what to do!" He yelled, frustrated.

Shepard took a calming breath, with effort. It didn't work, and blood rushed to her face, flushing it. "Look. Her heart is broken. And I'll be _damned_ if I play a part in ripping Keiji further away from her, _Kaidan!_ We aren't all like you! We can't just walk away from how we feel when it gets too tough!"

Kaidan paced towards her, backing her against the wall a little. "You think that's what I did? You think it was easy for me? You think I feel _nothing_ for you?!" He sounded angry.

_'Welcome to the club, asshole.' _Shepard thought, petty and mean.

"Doesn't look like you had a hard time from where I'm standing." Shepard spat, pushing up against him, rising on her silver heels to give him a wicked glare. Even with the higher shoes, she was still too short and it _pissed_ her off.

She didn't even care about what she was saying; she just wanted some sort of feelings from him, a demonstration of something honest and raw. _She_ was raw, _she_ was hurt and she wanted him to be too. She didn't want to suffer from their separation alone; it would mean that he never felt for her as much as she did for him.

Kaidan took a deep breath; to Shepard he looked to be preparing himself for some kind of speech. Or maybe he was just trying not to explode at her. She felt viciously pleased she could still provoke that kind of reaction in him. Kaidan was hard to rile, and Shepard was _great _at it.

"I look at you, standing there like that and I have trouble remembering why I didn't just take your hand back when we were together and run off to Intai'sei and say 'screw the galaxy'." Kaidan was quiet, meeting her eyes. Shepard's angry roll deflated a little with that look when he continued. "We could have bought a farm, raised kids, and lived happy forever if it wasn't for the Reapers. I wish we had just hid away from everything. I wish I hadn't lost you that day. But that isn't who we are! You have _no idea_ what I've been through, Shepard! The world does not revolve solely around _your_ feelings!"

"The world does not revolve around you either! I _needed you_! I woke up and you weren't there. You think I didn't want to run away from my damned duty either? When Ash died, when the Council shut me down? Then on Horizon you think me a terrorist, or…or a m-monster! And the worst part is I still wake up every fucking morning and expect you to be there! I look in the mess and expect you to be eating that stupid fucking cereal. I expect that I'll just turn around and you'll be there to tell me _everything will be alright_! And you're not! You never are! And I'm fucking in love with you even when I hate you!" Shepard nearly screamed at him, her words leaving her in a rush of brutal honesty.

This was the man that had her crying from an email; this was the man that had her touching herself at night and wishing he was there to do it for her; this was the man who had left her alone to face the Collectors; this was the man who knew about her past; and this was the man who she loved and who had _betrayed_ her. She wanted to hurt him, like he had hurt her. Where was _he_r pretty doctor to fuck while he lay in a coma? She could have fucked Garrus, moved on, but her loyalty had her waiting around for Kaidan to make up his mind like some fifties housewife. It _wasn't_ fair and she was furious.

Kaidan sighed. "I don't know what to do anymore, Shepard. Nothing is clear, but I know I still-"

"You still what? _Love me_? _Want me_?" Shepard demanded, her voice unnaturally high. "Does it disgust you, _Kaidan_, to still want me even when you think me a monster?"

"You don't disgust me, Shepard."

She continued ranting, heedless of his stricken expression. "Does it bother you that I died and was rebuilt? Do you not want to _fuck_ a zombie anymore? Scared my leg will just plop off? Oh but _darling,_ we _so_ enjoyed fucking before!"

"Don't say that!" He grabbed her shoulders, stopping her. Her chest was heaving, and tears had started clouding her vision. _She didn't mean it, she really didn't mean it._ "Don't...Don't talk about that."

"Well I _lived_ it! I gasped my last breath with your name on my lips! I died with your love in my heart and woke up to find you cold! I can't stand this, how we are now. You were my one good thing, and you _still_ are."

Kaidan leaned down, cupped her face between his gun-calloused hands and pressed his lips against hers.

Shepard's tiny '_mphf_' of surprise was swallowed by his lips, and her eyes fluttered shut. It was like muscle memory, like popping a heat sink, or uttering a mnemonic when her mouth parted to allow him entrance. Without meaning to, with all her anger suddenly washed away, she was clutching at his shoulders, drawing him closer. The contact between them sparked and she wasn't even sure if it was their biotics or not.

A small tear slipped down her face, and she thought maybe one of his mingled with it. She missed him, she dreamt of him, and longed for him _so_ much that it had become a physical weight. Kaidan's neat beard scratched her face, the texture reminding her that this was real - not a dream, not two years ago, and _not_ Horizon. His heart was pressed against hers again, no bulky armor in the way.

She _loved_ him.

His hand fisted in her fancy curled hair, their kiss so deep and their faces so close that his nose was squashed against her cheek a little. She gasped a little sad sob around his mouth and he broke the gentle and insistent exploration of her tongue to pepper her face in sweet butterfly kisses. Shepard smiled, and fused her mouth to his again. She didn't want to stop, ever.

The party outside ceased to exist.

Samara's goddess help her, she wanted to shove him against the tiled wall and fuck his brains out. She wanted to make love to him again, just like they used to when everything was perfect – even now when he was the biggest jerk in the galaxy. As Kaidan's hand wandered to that little satin strap on her shoulder and slipped it off, she thought maybe _especially _when he was being an ass. Desire pooled in her belly and her hands moved to the belt on his black pants, scratching her short nails past his shirt and lightly down the trail of hair leading beneath his waistband. Kaidan groaned into her mouth.

She _was_ going to screw his brains out, show him what Cerberus had done to her, the tiny scars, everything. She was going to tell him she loved him with her body, imprint everything about him on her soul. Then she could walk to her death a free woman, this one last chance was an unexpected haven.

His hands were drawing her dress up and she was angling her hips against his hardness. She was ready, slick and wanting and his pants needed to be off right now or she would - _Shepard's earpiece crackled_, "Shep? You there? I need you, I discovered Hock's vault and I want to go over our plan."

Shepard swore. A happy golden bubble of base desire and ragged tension popped. Kaidan's hand was shaking where it touched her.

They broke apart, and Shepard rested her head on his shoulder. Her breath came out in pants and she practically had to hang onto him to stop her knees buckling. Kaidan leant down to make a small annoyed noise into her bare neck; he pressed a small kiss there, right above the imitation sapphire necklace she swore. "Oh fuck _off_, Kasumi." Shepard moaned.

"Err? You busy?"

"Not _now_, I'm not." Kaidan disentangled himself from her, backing away slowly as if she'd pounce on him. He shook his head a little, but didn't stop staring at her face. His eyes were hooded, smouldering. They darted to her lips and away as he cleared his throat loudly. Shepard could strangle Kasumi gleefully.

"Right. Don't worry Kasumi, I'm coming now."

'_No, Shep. You really aren't._' Shepard's brain pipped up, and she thought maybe she got an insane kick out of torturing herself with her sick sense of humor. She sighed in abject disappointment at the interruption. Kaidan looked to have marginally screwed his brain on straight again as he rubbed a palm roughly over his small growing beard and looked away from Shepard.

"This is a mistake, Shepard. We're on duty." He said. He sounded hoarse like he hadn't had a drink of water in weeks.

"Never stopped you before, we made a lot of _mistakes_." Shepard was doing it again, covering her feelings with a bitchy sarcastic comment. She made an effort to even her tone, gentling it. "But I know. Come on, we work together on this one? One last mission as a team?"

Kaidan nodded and ran a hand through his hair to smooth it back again. It still was messy; she seemed to have ran her hands through the dark locks without being aware of it. "Ok. Together."

They walked out of the door to be faced with Donovan Hock's smug face. His eyes followed the strap of Shepard's dress that she had neglected to fix, her red and obviously kissed lips, the pink scratching from Kaidan's rough beard on her cheeks and the now unruly mass of Kaidan's hair. They both looked like they had just pulled themselves away from the best sex of their lives.

"Mr Gunn, I presume? Your lovely wife Allison here did not mention a partner."


	17. Xanadu

_In Xanadu did Kubla Khan_  
_A stately pleasure-dome decree:_

_..._

_A savage place! as holy and enchanted_

_As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted_

_By woman wailing for her demon-lover!_

**_-Samuel Taylor Coleridge_**

* * *

Kaidan's brain felt fuzzy and punch drunk, like the morning after a shore leave or the hours after a migraine finally went away. He and Shepard had almost had sex in a bathroom; surrounded by all the big name criminals in the galaxy and Kaidan hadn't given a damn. If they hadn't been interrupted...he knew he wouldn't have stopped.

A little voice in the back of his head that sounded suspiciously like Joker screamed '_You are so screwed, dude'_. He stood for a moment in the face of Donovan Hock's smarmy appraisal and scrambled to think of something to say, anything to save their cover but every intelligent thought he ever had, had fled in the wake of the memory of Shepard's kisses and deft hands scrapping at his waistband.

Luckily, it seemed she wasn't struck so dumb. Shepard could always come up with great plans on the fly. Kaidan needed time and preparation to be able to lie convincingly. For Shepard, lying was just another survival method.

Shepard answered in a breathy voice he'd only ever heard when they were alone and it usually involved no clothes. "Oh _Donovon_. We're divorced. We were just having a little disagreement, privately, you understand. The bastard took half my business with him when he left but I can't resist a little reunion sometimes for old time's sake, you know?"

Hock raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Shepard threw Kaidan a dirty look; it was so convincing Kaidan almost flinched away from it. She played the part of a jilted wife well. "We were just discussing why he felt the need to outfit the competition and screw the babysitter. Solomon here is quite the tech and women expert. But nonetheless we're still _friends_. Saves any nasty bloodshed that might drive away business."

Kaidan had to resist gaping at her outlandish tale. But Hock seemed to buy it, apparently among the criminal elite theirs was a common tale. "Solomon Gunn." Kaidan introduced himself, injecting a deeper note into his voice. "A pleasure to meet you Mr Hock, Allison was just telling me all about how impressively your business strategy has been performing." Kaidan leant in to shake Hock's hand.

"Of course." Hock's eyes flickered over Kaidan disinterestedly." I'm sure you won't mind me stealing your ex away for a moment." Hock said. It was clear he didn't give a damn if Kaidan _did_ mind and he focused solely on Shepard. "Please Allison, I had some exquisite batarian shard wine and _foie gras _put aside for us, would you care to join me?

"My pleasure." Shepard purred.

As they left, Hock's arm coming around Shepard's bared back, she shot Kaidan a quelling look, silently telling him to get on with the job.

Kaidan had to look away from them with effort.

He blended back in with the party, intending to find Shepard's friend Kasumi and berated himself internally. He and Shepard had been dangerously close to losing control back there, close to jeopardizing the whole mission. Only her canny ability to talk people around, to make them like her, had saved them, and he suspected how Hock undressed her with his eyes had something to do with it. There was a hot little swoop of possessive jealousy in Kaidan's gut, which he stubbornly suppressed. She wasn't his anymore and he had never been the jealous type.

_'Never been the type to fraternize either...'_

Kaidan told himself to shut up.

He made his way to the hidden vault in the basement area. He'd cased it before Shepard had surprised him, but hadn't had the chance to check it out.

Kasumi was there, she uncloaked as he walked into the room.

A large vault door faced them, lit with the blue glow of a mass effect force field.

"So you're _the_ guy, huh?" Kasumi smirked, and straightened from where she was bent over a console, her omni-tool aglow.

"I'm sorry?" Kaidan blinked and Kasumi's smile widened further.

"You're Shep's ex-dude."

Kaidan was taken aback; Shepard wasn't one to get close to people quickly, let alone divulge intimate details of her life. They had never spoken with other people about their relationship much. The bonds and friends she had made with the SR1 crew were forged in the heat of battle and near death experiences. Her close friendship with Ash had been sweet and hard-won. It had taken her months to become so close to Garrus. Kaidan shamefully felt a little jealous of the life she was making on her new ship, something he wasn't a part of.

"I guess so. She spoke about me?" Kaidan said.

"Spoke, yelled, ranted. All the same thing really." Kasumi waved a hand airily.

Kaidan cleared his throat; he could imagine what Shepard would have been like. "Ah. Yeah, Shepard...I probably pissed her off pretty badly."

"More like hurt her pretty badly. Don't do that again, she's my friend." Kasumi said seriously, a dangerous note to her voice.

"I didn't...I don't want or intend to."

Kasumi said nothing more, just turned back to her console and waved her omni-tool. Kaidan sighed and manifested his, scanning the force shield and other tech equipment. This wouldn't be easy; Hock had some of the best encryptions Kaidan had ever seen...at least military-grade. Perhaps better.

Kasumi suddenly straightened again, seeming to listen to something Kaidan couldn't hear. She mumbled something to herself that Kaidan couldn't catch, and then turned to him.

"Shep says she's going to charm the pants off Hock, keep him distracted from what we're doing. She says you should help me out and not to be an ass about it."

"Fine. I promised her we'd work together. After this job though...we need to talk about that greybox."

Kasumi rolled her eyes, as if to say there would absolutely be no discussion on it. Kaidan let it slide. He'd take it up with Shepard later. Kasumi and Kaidan got to work, minutes passing in comfortable silence.

"'_Kaidan_', huh? You're Japanese?" Kasumi suddenly spoke, startling Kaidan from his concentration.

"What?"

"Your name. It's a Japanese word." She said.

"Oh no, not really. I'm Canadian. My mother's father is Singaporean though and I was born there. We lived there for a couple of years when I was a kid while my Pa did some work at the naval base with the Alliance." Kaidan typed on his omni-tool, glancing up at Kasumi every so often when he ran into a break in the code.

"Oh." She nodded sagely, as if she expected nothing else. "You're one of those family career guys, no wonder you're so hot on the Alliance."

"That's not why I joined. Not to be rude, but is this relevant to the vault?" Kaidan turned back the to the power conduit, searching for a back door or weak firewall.

"Not relevant at all. Just…looking after my friend. Shepard's tough and all, but it doesn't hurt for your best friend to check things out."

Kaidan sighed, sensing Kasumi wouldn't let it go. "Shepard is tough. And you don't need to 'check me out'. I would never do anything that would-"

"Hurt her? I think we already established you did. "

That cut, and because Kaidan knew it was true. He had never meant to be one of those guys who left her or betrayed her, but he had. Even though he knew he had logically done the right thing, it didn't feel right in his heart.

"Best friend, huh?" Kaidan asked, a wry twist to his lips. Shepard made some interesting friends and Kasumi wasn't the only one who cared about Shepard.

Kasumi seemed a little embarrassed, as if she hadn't meant to let that slip. "Well I don't know about her, but she's my best friend. So what?"

"Nothing, I'm just glad. She...she's a good person who deserves friends who care about her."

There was silence for a while. Kaidan felt sweat bead a little on his forehead in concentration and Bekenstein's heat. He would be so glad to get out of the stupid jacket he wore, and back into Alliance blues. He didn't feel like himself; he liked simple clothes, function over form and not this trendy fashion style. Anderson had insisted on him being careful though and dressing the part of a crime lord.

_'Yeah, this beard is a crime alright.' _Kaidan scratched the scruff on his jaw; he couldn't _wait _to get rid of it.

"Alright. I got it." Kaidan walked over to Kasumi, tapping away at his omni-tool readings to show her what he'd found. "The kinetic barrier uses heuristically derived frequency modulations interacting with the element zero. Basically it excites the molecules in the air to construct a non-permeable wall. We aren't getting through it with hacking, even if we could pin-point the exact frequency, the encryption oscillates too quickly...what?"

The thief was looking at him askance, as if she hadn't expected anything intelligent to ever come out of his mouth.

"You know your stuff," she said with new respect, "I wouldn't have expected that from the Alliance soldier. Shepard couldn't hack her way out of a paper bag."

"Well she's an Adept, she doesn't need to; she'd burst her way out of a paper bag and blow it up for good measure while making it look graceful. I'm a trained Sentinel. It's my job to know this stuff."

"Last I heard, hacking secure, top-of-the-line criminal vaults was _not_ on the Sentinel resume."

Kaidan shrugged. "I went off the rails a bit, when I was younger. Learnt some things, met a few interesting people. One of them was a tech savant."

"Huh. 'Things'? Anyway, you're absolutely right. I worked that out as soon as I got into the program here; it's too sophisticated without the proper quantum-computing power. Omni-tools won't cut it. There's no way we're getting through here conventionally"

Kaidan nodded, he knew what they needed to do. "The power needs cut. I'm on it."

"You do that. I'll keep examining it. Hock has other measures, I'll see if I can handle it from here. Make sure Shepard's got Hock all charmed and excited and then meet me back here."

"Right." Kaidan stopped on his way out. "Wait, '_excited_'?"

"Yeah. He's been slobbering all over her since we arrived. You do have an ear piece implanted, right? I'll get you into Shep's too."

She typed something on her 'tool and there was a crackle in his ear. With a press of his earpiece he'd be able to hear what Shepard would be saying, but he left it alone for the moment. He wanted a clear head to locate the vault's power source.

The idea of a clear head was blown to pieces as soon as he went back into the main party area and saw Hock run a hand up Shepard's thigh, so high it disappeared beneath her dress. They were seated in one of the loveseats, some beautiful asari and Hock's bodyguards sitting with them. Shepard was laughing at something Hock was saying, and playfully batted his hand away, but Kaidan could see the strain around her eyes, the tightness of her lips. She _really_ didn't want that.

Kaidan had to resist marching over there and punching him in his smug little weasel mouth. That was _not _ok. But he was a professional and so was Shepard, the quicker they got the job done, the quicker Kaidan could get her away from him.

The power source was in the library. A burst of his 'tool, and it was overloaded.

Kaidan hurried back downstairs, but couldn't resist glancing at Shepard. For a moment she looked past Hock, past the party-goers, seeming to sense his eyes on her and their eyes met across the crowded room.

Kaidan was struck for a moment by her beauty.

She didn't need the dress or the make-up to be arresting; there was something about her soul that was beautiful to Kaidan. She didn't look away from him until he tore his own gaze away and went down to Kasumi.

"Shepard needs us to be quick. I'm not leaving her alone with him much longer. What else do we need?"

"Hmm, looks like we need DNA and a voice signature." Kasumi hummed, finger dancing lithely over the security console.

"Well there's no way I'm gonna spring for the DNA job." Kaidan whirled, Shepard had appeared behind them. "I already need ten showers and decontamination, guys. I think a few passes through the airlock just _might_ get me clean again."

Kaidan walked over to her, and searched her face for any signs of distress. When she joked like that she was generally highly uncomfortable. Kaidan placed a gentle hand on her shoulder but she flinched away from it. Kaidan had to ignore how that hurt, that she felt weird enough around him that she wouldn't accept comfort in front of Kasumi.

"Shepard. What about Hock?"

Shepard shrugged and smiled sarcastically. "Ah. He saw one of those vid stars from _Vaenia. _He deigned to leave me alone to go paw at her. Thank god for gorgeous asari."

Kaidan privately agreed. He was glad she was away from Hock; Kaidan probably wouldn't have let her go before if he knew just how much Hock would have been all over her.

"You alright?" He asked Shepard.

"Hell yeah." Shepard said with false bravado. "It's no biggie, once I get back to the Normandy and shower for two years, I'll be right as rain, _Solomon_."

Kasumi interrupted Kaidan's planned retort. "I've got bad news for you, Shepard. We need a voice imprint."

"What?! I was just talking to him for like twenty minutes!" Shepard huffed, scrunching her nose up in annoyance.

"I'm sorry, I thought I could bypass it..." Kasumi said.

"No, no. It's fine. I'll just go drag him away and get him rabbiting on about all the women he's fucked again. Jesus Christ, my life..."

She made to leave again, smoothing her rumpled dress to hang on her frame correctly and adjusted her cleavage, but Kaidan couldn't take it anymore.

"No, Shepard. I'll do it." Kaidan said, grabbing her arm gently to stop her leaving.

"_Solomon dear_, he hates your guts. And he likes boobs which you clearly lack." Shepard spoke through gritted teeth. "I've been telling him what a bad ex-husband you are and his fragile masculine ego is threatened by your presence. He'll get his bodyguards to throw you out in a heartbeat."

"I'm coming with you then. You aren't going out there to be sexually assaulted, Shepard."

Shepard rolled her eyes. It bizarrely popped into Kaidan's head that she had very long and dark eyelashes and that made funny things happen in his stomach. "_Puh-lease_. Put that white knight complex back where it came from. I grew up on the streets, I can handle it."

"You shouldn't have to 'handle' it. I'm going." Kaidan insisted.

Perhaps sensing another looming battle of stubborn wills, Kasumi jumped in. "He's right, Shepard. Just let him go with you and check things out."

"Fine." Shepard said.

She stalked on ahead and Kaidan deactivated his omni-tool to hurry after her.

Hock was nowhere to be seen and Shepard spun, searching for him and looking past Kaidan beside her.

"Well shit. Where is he?" She said, irritation blooming on her face.

"Come on, he could be upstairs." Kaidan soothed her. It was clear that the party was setting her on edge. Kaidan knew that she _really_ didn't like men who treated her like some sexual object or tool to be used. Back when he'd first met her, before his world had been turned upside down, when slimy Harkin had touched her rear in Chora's Den she had knocked out one of his teeth in payment. Kaidan had fallen a little bit in love with her in that moment.

They made their way upstairs and Shepard spotted Hock. He was with an asari, one of the _Vaenia_ stars and was groping her on the dance floor. A slow, sensual beat thrummed through the marble floor, it was loud without being overwhelming and the dance floor was packed with revolving bodies.

They had to get close to Hock, close enough to pick up on whatever he was saying to the asari to digitally clone Hock's voice. The music wouldn't allow Kaidan's omni-tool to pick it up from a distance.

"Dance with me?" Kaidan turned to Shepard.

"What?" She blinked and took a step away from him, as if his question was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard.

"Dance with me. It's either that or we wait for him to stop and judging by the way his hands are on that asari, it won't be anytime soon. We need to find what we're looking for and evac ASAP."

Shepard spoke slowly as if he was being particularly dense. "Kai-_Solomon_. I don't think this is a good idea...I can't dance that well."

"Just follow my lead, _Allison_. We'll move in close and record him; he's talking to the asari."

"...Fine." She sighed, unable to deny the truth in his words.

Shepard took his hand and he led her onto the dance floor. Her hand was small and soft in his and he marvelled at the texture of her skin. Her palm was smooth, far smoother than it had been two years ago. She used to have little scars on her hands, nicks and burns from pistol overheat and rough calluses. He knew the feel of her hands like he knew his own, an echo of a ghost running her palms down the bare skin of his back.

Shepard noticed his slight hesitation and made a self-conscious toss of her head, the curls bouncing, and sapphires glinting at her throat. "I know. Shit's different with me. Some days I feel like a big, awkward newborn baby."

"What happened?" Kaidan placed his hands at her waist gently and tried not to think about how it felt when he'd pressed her against that bathroom wall.

Shepard wrapped her arms around his shoulders and they began swaying in time with the music. A sweet smelling wind from the open bay doors swept over them and Kaidan took a deep breath. There was a sudden calm, here in the middle of the lion's den and it had everything to do with the woman dancing badly with him.

"Well I suppose my skin flayed off a little, or burnt or froze and they needed to fix it. I have no idea what they did to me. I didn't fake my death, you know. I know you've thought that, but you have to know I wouldn't-"

"I know. I thought it, some way to make this all make sense in my head, y'know? But you're...you're not that kind of person. That's not something the woman I fell in love with would do."

"Yeah."

She fell silent and Kaidan could think of nothing to say to fill the pause. He instead concentrated on manoeuvring them closer to Hock inconspicuously, ignoring when Shepard kept stepping on his toes and the feel of her in his arms. She was a heady mix of contrasts: lithe muscles but curves and soft angles, warmth and eezo tang, flowery shampoo and home.

Different from two years ago…but not necessarily worse.

Maybe it was his memory that had constructed some perfect image of her, a woman who no others would live up to, even her own resurrected self. Kaidan mentally berated himself for Horizon again, she never deserved that. It wasn't her fault that when she died he'd lost all perspective, it wasn't her fault he had made the memory of her into a shrine.

Kaidan knew he needed to start healing from her death, but when she was in his arms like this, whole and alive it was easier to remember all that he'd lost when the _Normandy_ went down in flames and how much it had hurt. That day had changed everything, if not for the Collector's ship they would have been every different people dancing together, maybe even married for real.

_'Yeah, keep dreaming Alenko, she'd never marry you.'_ The little voice that sounded like Joker was back, scoffing at Kaidan.

Kaidan knew that he would never fully get over her death; even now, years later, when she had returned to him whole and vibrant.

After a few minutes Kaidan saw her eyes flutter shut, and she bent her head to rest on his shoulder. A small sigh of weariness, or perhaps sadness, escaped her. Kaidan gave up any pretence at dancing like they were just friends or awkward school children at a prom, or even ex-spouses and folded her body closer to him. His hands covertly stoked the silkiness of her dress at her hips, and he buried his nose in Shepard's riot of brown curls. Kaidan shut his eyes for a moment, just a moment, and committed it all to memory.

He knew more than most how quickly moments like this could be snatched away in violence and flame.

They danced in the cool breeze, alive with the clinks of champagne glasses, babble of voices and their two warm bodies pressed together in comfort.

The electricity between them wasn't just sexual tension, although there was enough of that to make Kaidan feel like his head was going to explode, but it just felt _right_. Like they were meant to be together, meeting again, here of all places.

Kaidan opened his eyes, and the world righted itself. Hock's voice was becoming audible. He was talking about something called 'azure' to the asari.

Kaidan discreetly tapped his omni-tool, held behind Shepard's back and she raised her head from his shoulder, her eyes clear and her face resolved again.

"Got it?" She whispered.

"Couple of minutes should do it, hang on."

The omni-tool automatically scanned in Kaidan's programmed stealth-mode to prevent alarming the other dancers.

"Aye, aye, sir. Hanging on." Shepard gave his shoulder a little shake where her small palm rested, a tiny, _real_ smile parting her lips. Her still crooked teeth, cleaned and whitened by Cerberus, brighter than they were two years ago, leant her a slightly off-beat appearance. And with her paltry, silly joke, Kaidan's heart lurched. Shepard was still trying to make him laugh, she was still all there.

She had said in that bathroom, in the heat of their argument, that she was still in love with him. And he knew in that moment, right down to his bones, that he was still in love with her too. Any doubts he had about that were gone. Conflicted loyalties and Cerberus be damned, they couldn't change how he felt for her.

He kissed her then, while they were still revolving slowly, while her feet awkwardly followed his - without thought, planning, rhyme or reason. It was as natural as breathing and more vital. He kissed her like they were the only ones in the room, like they weren't undercover as criminal ex-husband and wife. And she kissed him back, met him with equal fervour and the unique spark and ferocity that was all _Shepard. _

His omni-tool let out a soft beep and he pulled back from her.

Kaidan smiled a little shyly down at her, and she even managed a smile back. Even in this mess of Cerberus', the Collectors' and the Alliance's making, they would be ok.

If everything in the galaxy conspired to pull them apart after this day, Shepard and Kaidan would always have this small dance that was just theirs.

And for now, that was enough for Kaidan.

"Come on. We should head down below. One more thing to go." Shepard said, quietly.

Downstairs, Kasumi examined the voice imprint. "Looks good, guys. Nice work. All we need is DNA and the word for the voice lock now."

"Hock's bedroom will have DNA. Dirty bastard. We just have to get in there." Shepard said with a dark scowl.

"Before you got here, I checked it all out. We need to get into the guard's security station; apparently it's a Chief Roe in charge." Kaidan said and Shepard nodded.

"Stay here, Kasumi. LT, you and I have this one."

"Right, Shepard."

Side by side they made their way to the small security station tucked near the library. Kaidan knew that, like the bathroom, the walls would be soundproofed and safe for them to get into a fight with the guards.

A wave of his omni-tool and Kaidan let them through the outer door; he was grateful that Hock had been paranoid enough to tuck security away behind two doors. He sealed it behind them.

Kaidan didn't have a gun, it had been too dangerous to risk getting through security undetected. He didn't need one to get the job done.

"Shepard, are you armed?"

"Nope. My armor and gun's with Kasumi. More fun this way, right Mr Gunn?"

Kaidan grinned crookedly. "Don't look at me, I'm just here to screw the babysitter, remember?"

"Whoops, sorry about that." Shepard smirked and hit the door switch. It sprung open, and to Kaidan's surprise the guards didn't even notice. One had his back to Kaidan, drinking coffee, and in small, agile steps like a hunter Shepard was up behind him, diminutive in her dress, biceps bunching and she reached up to grasp his neck. She snapped the vertebrae neatly and cleanly with a burst of strength, a twist and a wet crack. He fell at her feet, empty-eyed. The coffee spilled across the floor, just missing Shepard's heels.

The other guard stood horrified for a second then pulled out a small pistol, unloading his clip at her. Shepard extended a hand with a flash of blue and the mass effected rounds bounced off her impromptu biotic dome. In that dress she looked…amazing, biotics dancing along her bare skin.

In a distant, professional part of Kaidan's mind, he took the time to appreciate her speed and raw power. She was…better than before, even from just on Horizon. But the more dominant part of his brain, the part that let Kaidan kill as a soldier and push the guilt back to be examined later, the animalistic part that controlled his fight or flight instinct screamed at him to take the guard out.

Kaidan didn't give him a chance to try and kill her again. He picked the guard up in a blue wave and threw him through the security station's glass. Glass tinkled around the room. The guard didn't stir again.

Shepard nodded and let down her Barrier. The whole confrontation had only taken seconds.

Shepard crossed to the bank of consoles and triumphantly held up a datapad.

"Gotcha!" She pressed her earpiece. "Kasumi, the password is P-per...um, 'Peruggia'."

Shepard stumbled on the unfamiliar word, her reading skills poor, and Kaidan wanted to go over and help her with it. But she wouldn't appreciate that. She liked sounding things out, working through difficult tasks alone with just her gutsy determination.

"Let's go, Kaidan." She ordered.

Kaidan bit out a smothered laugh.

"What?" Shepard asked.

Kaidan shrugged, amused. "Hock. He's a smug bastard. Peruggia was the name of the man who stole the Mona Lisa in the twentieth century."

"Kaidan, I can't believe you know that off-hand. Anyone ever tell you, you're a nerd?"

"Only the times you told me, darling wife." Kaidan deadpanned and Shepard laughed loudly, a pleased pink flush to her face.

"With Roe's voice sample I collected, we should be able to get into his bedrooms now." Kaidan said and the laughter died from Shepard's face.

"You mean, I'll be able to get in there. There's no way the guard will let you through."

"Shepard…"

Shepard punched him playfully in the shoulder. "Kaidan, don't fuss. I'll be fine. I'll take Kasumi, with her cloak."

Shepard left his hurriedly, pressing her earpiece to summon Kasumi, her dress swishing about her knees as she left. Kaidan shook himself and followed her, pausing to jam his omni-tool on the door to force the lock. It should slow anyone down for at least ten minutes if they decided to check on security.

Shepard broke off from him, heading for Hock's room a charming smile hoisted on her face for the guard. Kaidan went to wait by the vault, his heart quickening a little. He was worried they'd be caught in Hock's quarters but in the end it was for nothing. Kasumi and Shepard appeared, breathless smiles on their faces.

"Alright now! Let's blow this joint!" Shepard whooped a little, obviously overjoyed to be able to escape the party. She marched over to a golden Saren statue that Kaidan had assumed earlier was just another one of Hock's gaudy decorations and hit a switch, her armor and pistol slid out. Kasumi and Shepard must have smuggled their weapons in under the disguise of a tribute to Hock.

"Here, Kaidan." She grabbed something and walked over to him holding the butt of a pistol and one of her spare thigh holsters to him.

"What about you?"

"I'm fine, I brought extra. You need a gun, just in case."

Kaidan took it and adjusted the strap on his thigh to allow for his thicker frame. "Thanks, Shepard."

"No probs. I'm always prepared."

Kasumi started deactivating the vault security, Kaidan watched for a moment in satisfaction at a job well done until he noticed Shepard's movements. She was stripping where she stood and Kaidan's mouth went dry, unable to tear his gaze away.

She winked at him as she pulled her dress over her head, still in her heels, to reveal a wide expanse of creamy skin and very non-regulation, lacy black underwear. Kaidan choked a little and turned away.

This was _so_ not the time for those kinds of thoughts. Kaidan heard her quite huff of laughter at his discomfort and his lips twitched in a smile. She always did get a sick kick out of torturing him; she had driven him mad on boring grocery shopping trips on Intai'sei, pushing him until he could think of nothing but wanting her. Coupled with their earlier encounter in the bathroom…Kaidan cleared his throat roughly as the sound of her heels being kicked across the room met his ears.

"Do me up, LT?"

He turned, she was half in her armor and she spun revealing the armor clips that always gave Kaidan trouble to reach when dressing in his own armor. They had used to help each other in and out of armor.

He swallowed and moved to help her; her back was bare and wiped clean of her old freckles. Unable to resist, he ran a hand across the smooth skin and her breath hitched beneath his fingertips. Sternly telling himself to stop being so unprofessional, he gently brushed her hair to one side of her neck and started doing her up. Her neck broke out in goose bumps.

"Thanks." She whispered and turned back to him, when she was done. She roughly grabbed a hair tie and scraped her hair up. Curls sprang free around her face and he couldn't stop himself in time to prevent tucking a wayward lock behind her ear. She looked up at him, through hooded eyes and Kaidan was drawn into her pull, leaning in to…

"Alright guys, we're through." Kasumi chirped. "Let's go. Unless you'd like to stay here in the house of debauchery and _stately pleasure domes_ to make sex eyes at each other a little while longer? I can go get popcorn and everything; god knows I need a little stimulation."

Kaidan raised a surprised brow at Kasumi. "You read Coleridge?"

Kasumi smiled; apparently impressed Kaidan caught the reference and opened her mouth to respond but Shepard butt in.

"Nope, we're good Kasumi. And unless this Cole dude wrote the '_Art of War'_, I don't really give a damn." Shepard said and injected a fresh clip into her pistol. "Kaidan, you don't have armor. So any sign of trouble and I want that Barrier up _immediately_. Don't fuck around - it comes down to it, you hang back and let Kasumi and I take care of it."

Kaidan nodded and cursed himself for not having the foresight to sneak some armor in like Shepard.

Hock's vault was astounding. Kaidan's hatred for the man doubled, all these priceless treasures hoarded away in a vanity project. Even Lady Liberty's head…

"Hey, LT! Look familiar?" Shepard called and pointed to a statue. Kaidan started in surprise; it was one of those haunting Prothean statues from Ilos. This whole place was wrong, things like that were meant to be forgotten or handled with respect.

Kasumi picked up Okuda's greybox reverently and Kaidan felt a little guilty at wanting to take it away from her. Shepard was right. He was the last person to lecture anyone on letting go.

Shepard clapped her hands together, and placed a kind palm on Kasumi's shoulder. "Let's pick it up and bail-"

"Kasumi Goto, you filthy thief. I knew it would be you, Okuda's little bitch could never leave well enough alone. And you little _whore_, Allison. You play the part so well."

Hock's massive face loomed holographically over them, ranting. His eyes flashed in rage and holo-fritzing.

"You shut your mouth." Kaidan spat and pulled his pistol from his thigh. A small practised mnemonic, and a twitch of his fingers activated his Barrier.

He didn't often get angry enough to want to shoot someone, but he would be_ so_ glad to finally end Hock. Hock was scum, and no one spoke to Shepard or Kasumi like that on Kaidan's watch.

"Ah, Mr Gunn. A biotic? No matter, I will capture your lovely wife and make you watch while my guards take their turn fucking-"

Shepard, apparently having enough of his shit, extended her pistol and blew a priceless statue to shards. Kaidan smirked at her fiery attitude.

"Forget him." Shepard barked. "Let's fuck this place up. I promised Joker charm and womanly wiles and I intend to deliver the 'Shepard Special'."

Kasumi and Shepard bounded ahead and Kaidan hurried in their wake, watching their backs.

Just like old times. Kaidan's blood thrummed with adrenaline and excitement. He stripped his jacket off, discarding it on the floor and rolled his white sleeves up to bare his forearms. Shepard grinned at him in feral glee. This was how it was supposed to be, he and Shepard together, biotics, mass effected rounds and her sweaty happy, battle-fierce face.


	18. FUBAR

_Her eyes are homes of silent prayers._

**_-Tennyson_**

* * *

The fight to escape Hock's mansion was brutal. Shepard was surprised - she hadn't expected such heavy, or well-equipped resistance. She dove behind a crate in one of Hock's storage areas and gasped for breath, seconds later Kaidan did the same, his fancy shiny black dress shoes scuffing on the ground. Shepard felt a twinge of amusement at the state of him; he looked like an old fashion mafia mobster caught in a shoot-out. All he needed was a fedora and a cigar. He made an attractive sight. If Shepard had known he'd look that good she probably would have made him dress up two years ago and had some...fun.

"You alright there, hubby?" She canted her head at him, winking. Adrenaline made her reckless, but also ruthless. Shepard was quick and agile; the guards were having a tough time even driving her back for a moment. She and Kaidan were mopping the floor with them, biotic detonations rippling through their ranks. Kasumi was elegant in her kills, sticking to the shadows. The guards never knew what hit them until the sword was already sliding through their spines.

Kaidan was unfazed at her nonchalance, shaking his head with a small smile. "Shepard, how can you joke at a time like this? We're about to get our asses shot off!"

"At least I'll die laughing." She clapped him on his blue-coated shoulder and popped a new heat sink, grinning. "And with the sweet dream that I banged a big mafia boss."

"What?" He raised his dark eyebrows, hopelessly confused.

Shepard laughed and affected innocence. "What?"

There was a rejuvenated fire of rounds, perhaps reinforcements, and Shepard stopped laughing, professionalism returning. "Just keep that Barrier up, LT. Hock wants that greybox more than I thought."

They pushed further in, Shepard becoming the proud owner of a nasty cut across her cheek when a guard smashed her in the face with the butt of his rifle. The guard had scored a lucky hit; he had been aiming for Kasumi (who dodged quick as a flash), and Shepard had been aiming for his compatriots (who dodged slower than a volus) across the room. When they had turned simultaneously, both sets of eyes wide in surprise, the guard had reacted a fraction quicker. It was too close quarters for a weapon burst, for which she was thankful, but the metal split her skin like an overripe peach.

Shepard saw stars for a moment, dazed, and raised her hand confusedly to form a Barrier.

"Shepard!"

Kaidan was there a moment later, and ended the guard with a direct round to the head.

A metal tang filled her mouth and she realized blood was pouring into it. Kaidan pulled her behind a metal shelf, the sound of a grenade being thrown by Kasumi ringing in Shepard's ears. The thief gave them a short reprieve, just moments to patch injuries and reload. A headache arched across Shepard's skull, radiating from her cheek. At least she didn't think her nose had been broken.

"Shit. Your cheek." Kaidan fumbled with his omni-tool. "Here, medi-gel."

There was a soothing balm, the medi-gel sealing the gash shut. Shepard spat blood onto the ground, onto her own boots. Kaidan took a hand from his pistol, held it one-handed and folded down a white sleeve. The cotton length fell over the back of his hand and he gently swiped the blood from her face, staining his crisp shirt crimson. To Shepard's supreme annoyance the guard had re-opened the almost healed shrapnel wound from Samara's Illium recruitment. It had almost disappeared too, just a faint pink line easily covered up with makeup...now it would probably scar.

"No, no. It's fine, Kaidan. I'm fine." She waved his hand away, putting her own hand to her forehead to stop the world lurching so violently.

"Shep! We gotta move!" Kasumi yelled from where she held them off, the tide had stopped for a moment, wary of Kasumi's grenades, but they were regrouping.

Shepard shook her head again, ignored the continued ringing in her brain and determinedly waved Kaidan on. Shepard charged after him, and in the next hallway she threw a Singularity, inexorably pulling guards into it. Shepard _excelled_ at close quarters, enemies were _hers_ to control, to funnel exactly where she wanted them. It was like shooting fish in a barrel when Kaidan's Reave ravaged their skin. Scorch marks were left on the wall from the biotic fields exploding against one another.

Phantom blue wisps chased each other over the fallen bodies on the floor. Kaidan had learnt some new tricks while she had been gone...

That was okay, so had she.

Shepard wreathed her body in biotics and slammed into a guard with the force of a krogan. Her teacher was an asari matriarch; these rent-a-cops couldn't hold a candle to her. The starburst of pain exploding in her head was pushed aside, the heat of battle rejuvenating and surging through her.

Shepard grit her teeth, viciously pleased. There wasn't anyone who could stop them.

Slowly they made their way to the exit, stopping in a loading dock of some kind, open to the air to allow delivery shuttles in.

Shepard's heart stuttered to a halt. Hock was there. With guards and mechs and..._a fucking gunship. _

Shepard gaped. Hock was surely and steadily climbing to the top of her list of '_Things I Hate A Lot'_. He was just under Harbinger and edged out the Illusive Man by the skin of his teeth.

The three of them scattered to cover, but Shepard knew with the missiles on that hulking, black-glittering machine of death, any cover would not last long.

Shepard tapped her earpiece, barking into it. "Shepard to _Normandy_! We've bugged out, and we've got a hot party going on. FUBAR, guys. Get us a shuttle to my location and watch out for hostiles, bring some backup! We need evac."

"Shepard! I'm not Cerberus, I'm waiting for Alliance extraction." Kaidan protested.

Shepard wasn't having any of that. He could come with her; she'd drop him off on the Citadel. But he was leaving Bekenstein safe and sound with her, whether he liked it or not. She'd learnt her lesson on Horizon and neither of them was walking away. "No, you're not. You will get swarmed and then _you will get murdered_."

Kaidan opened his mouth to protest but seemed to realize how deadly serious she was and changed tactics. "The gunship will blow a shuttle out of the sky!" Kaidan yelled.

"Not if we take it down first. Kasumi?"

"If I can get close enough, I can do it, Shepard! That bastard will pay for Keiji." The thief hissed. She glared at the gunship murderously.

"Ok, Kaidan - you and I will handle the small game, Kasumi you're on that gunship. Kaidan focus on the mechs, let me handle the humans." Shepard ordered. Her companions nodded in agreement, Kasumi cloaking and sneaking away.

Shepard and Kaidan spilt off, mirroring each other's movements on opposite sides of the dock. Shepard threw two guards over the side of the railing, and leapt bodily on another one, adjusting her mass mid-air to throw him into the ground with a wet crack, breaking his spine on impact. The metal floor buckled under her unnaturally heavy boots when she landed and she stood panting. Kaidan hacked mechs to attack their own allies, and the ones he couldn't hack, he destroyed with biotics and his borrowed pistol.

It was going better than she expected until Hock screeched over the gunship's loud speaker at Kasumi. "Ms Goto! You want to know how I got Okuda's greybox?! I scooped it out of his brain! But I did not kill him first! He died begging for his life."

Shepard groaned. This was bad, Kasumi was rattled. But to Shepard's surprise she rallied her rage into effectiveness, and leapt onto Hock's ship to jam her omni-tool into the shields, disabling them.

"Holy shit." Kaidan muttered from where he'd regrouped at Shepard's side, most of the guards and mechs taken care of. She nodded dumbly in agreement. Kasumi was extremely athletic, even better than Shepard's own impressive flexibility. She couldn't have made that jump without biotics. And even then it would be a tough call.

"I know, right? That is some couching thief, hidden badass shit right there."

"Shepard, you draw the most incredible people-"

Kaidan was cut off from whatever he'd about to say by the gunship spraying fire at them. Hock was screaming in rage, erratic manoeuvres forcing Kasumi to back-flip off to the safety of a crate. To Shepard, Hock seemed absolutely cracked, he knew that Kasumi had defeated him and he seemed determined to drag them down with him.

"Mrs Gunn! I will enjoy watching you burn in hell, right along with me!"

Shepard fired off a Warp at the gunship desperately hoping to bring it down in time, but he already fired another burst of both machine gun and missile fire. There was no cover near them, no way to reach any in time. Shepard's Warp would hit him; blow him out of the sky.

But not in time to save them.

"Shepard, Barrier now!" Kaidan bit out at her and shoulder to shoulder they raised their hands in unison, forming a dome. It all seemed to happen in slow motion for Shepard, she knew unequivocally that they would have nowhere near enough power to sustain both a rocket and so many mass effected rounds. She and Kaidan were both drained; his face was milky from continuous biotics and Barrier sustainment all throughout the mansion fighting. If Samara had been there...they would have been okay.

With horror, Shepard watched their dome collapse as the rocket slammed into it first, the only fragile, shimmery thing between them and cold death. She slumped a little at the spike of feedback in her implant, like a neat little ice shard right in her brain, out through her eye. The world went white for a moment.

"Shepard, move!" Kaidan expected the following machine gun burst, in her blindness she felt rather than saw him knock her to the ground, jarring her wrist painfully beneath her and fell on top of her. A bullet hit her shoulder, punching through her blue armor and shields and drawing a ragged and unsuppressed shriek of pain from her mouth. It had hit bone, she felt the sliver of metal jar against it and her whole arm went limp, boneless. She dropped her pistol with a _thunk_, no longer able to grasp it.

On top of her, Kaidan cried out in sudden pain.

"Shit!" He gasped, and Shepard felt warmth flood over her legs and knew he'd been hit too. The stupid idiot, he didn't even have armored kinetic shields.

'Oh no. No, please, _please _don't do this to me, Kaidan. You can't." Shepard mumbled in a broken panic.

He was bleeding all over her. Distantly she heard Hock's gunship go down, exploding in a fireball and couldn't even bring herself to be glad he was dead. Kaidan was hurt.

Shepard ignored the horrible screaming pain in her shoulder and rolled them over as best she could with a useless arm.

Kaidan's shirt was still white except for Shepard's blood so she was confused for a moment where he had been hit. Her eyes raked over him, searching for his wound.

"Shepard, it's my leg." He bit out through teeth clenched tightly together in pain.

A round had gone straight into his thigh, it gushed bright red blood. Shepard's stomach lurched. It shouldn't be that bright or that fast-flowing unless...

"I think...I-I think it hit my femoral artery." Kaidan already sounded shaky, his face bloodless.

"Kasumi!" Shepard screamed for the thief, for help, for anyone. She wasn't a medic! Panic was creeping on her, icy tendrils wrapping around her throat. She couldn't lose him...

Shepard pressed her hands over the wound, ignoring his wince of pain, ignoring the pain in her shoulder, which for a moment, made her fear she'd slump over in a faint next to him. Kasumi skidded to a halt beside Shepard and bent down.

"Oh my god." She whispered, her omni-tool was out in seconds, fruitlessly trying to smear medi-gel around Shepard's hands.

"It won't work, there's too much blood for it to stick." Kaidan gasped. "It needs...suturing."

Kasumi replaced Shepard's weaker hands, her shoulder wouldn't allow full pressure. Shepard scrambled to his face, through the pool of blood gathering around him.

_'I'm not a medic, I'm not a medic. Oh my god. Why didn't you just let me get hit, you could patch me up. You can't save yourself from bleeding out!' _A voice that sounded like a lost little girl wailed, running through her brain at the speed of light. She was terrified, like no other time in her life.

"Kaidan, I don't have medical supplies! What do I do?!"

He was already drifting off though, his eyes starting to lose focus. Shepard grasped his cheek firmly, leaving a bloody handprint behind.

"Oh no, don't you do this to me! I'm the one who dies, not you! You're _not_ allowed."

"Heh." His mouth rose at the corner, in a rueful half-smile. "Gonna bleed out, but at least I get to see your face...worse ways to go. I've done some good, right? L-left some good things behind."

Shepard's eyes filled with tears. "No, no, no. Kaidan baby, don't do this to me. Please, please. I'm begging you!" Shepard babbled, trying to keep him conscious. "Stay with me, ok?! Alright? Just think, we can go dancing for real if you stay awake. I'll take dance lessons or something. _Please, _Kaidan."

There was no sign of_ Normandy's_ shuttle, the ground was slick and wet, Shepard's hands were red and when she tried to push her curls off her face, she accidentally smeared it with his blood.

Kaidan tried to say something but she grasped his limp, cold hand and brought it to her cheek. He couldn't even caress it. His eyes blinked slowly, dark lashes fluttering on his cheeks. He was staring into her eyes with darkly intense concentration; like if he clung to her features, marooned himself in her pleading eyes, the undertow of tiredness and blood loss wouldn't pull him beneath the surface to drown.

Shepard kept up a fervent litany for him to stay with her.

"Do you remember...the night before Ilos? I never met a woman who made me feel like you do." He rasped. Distantly she heard Kasumi yelling into her earpiece for the shuttle to hurry.

"No, I don't remember. You've gotta tell me about it, again. I've forgotten everything. Tell me about it." Shepard sobbed and lied transparently.

_She remembered. She'd never forget. Never, never, never. _

Kaidan sighed. "Well...since you don't remember...you should know I was s-spectacular." Shepard smiled weakly through her tears and Kaidan's eyes crinkled at the corners as he continued. "And that you said you'd never be able to leave me."

"I promise not to leave you again. I promise. But only if you don't leave me."

"I promise..." Kaidan shut his eyes, and no matter how hard Shepard yelled and no matter how curtly she ordered and no matter how hard she cried he wouldn't open his eyes again for her.

The shuttle docked behind them. Miranda was sprinting towards them, a gun raised. But it was too late, minutes too late.

"Miranda! Please, please save him." Shepard scrambled to her feet, running towards her, awkward in her gait like an orang-utan with her limp arm.

Miranda looked aghast at the state of Shepard, blood smeared all over her. Shepard was sure that if she happened to look in a mirror her face would be red except for the tear tracks sluicing through Kaidan's blood.

"Shepard! Are you okay? What happened?" The Cerberus agent gasped a little, noticing Shepard's arm. "We need to get you back to the ship, I'll fix you up. Don't worry, I'll look after you."

"No, no! You don't understand! You need to save Kaidan."

"Kaidan?"

Shepard grabbed her arm violently and shoved her towards Kaidan. "Miranda, I can't lift him like this. My fucking arm is broken or something, I dunno. Kasumi's keeping pressure on but...he-he's not conscious anymore."

Miranda looked shocked, like the last person she would have ever expected to see lying in a pool of his own blood was Kaidan Alenko.

"He's not supposed to be here. He's supposed to be on the Citadel. This isn't allowed."

"I don't give a fuck. Help me lift him! We need to get him to Mordin and Chakwas!" Shepard yelled.

Miranda roused herself from whatever shock she had fallen into and briskly marched to Kaidan's prone form. A professional self-possession swept over Miranda, not a hint of panic in her face, just cool appraisal. Shepard tried to help her lift as Kasumi kept up the pressure but Miranda waved her away and lifted him alone. Her genetics afforded her advantages invisible and underestimated unless tested.

Together the three women and the downed soldier boarded the shuttle and rushed for the safety of the _Normandy. _

Miranda fussed around Kaidan attaching monitors and some strange medical clamp to his leg. The monitors beeped alarmingly, and their whine seemed to echo the erratic pump of Shepard's heartbeat. Her hands wouldn't stop shaking. She sat in the seat, to try and pull her head on straight, never taking her eyes off Kaidan. He was so pale; she'd never seen him so pale. His blood looked so stark against his skin. The crimson liquid had even crept up his white shirt, Shepard felt like hitting herself for even joking that he looked like a mafia boss before. She had failed at protecting him.

"Shep, I'm so sorry. I should have got Hock before-"

"Don't be stupid, Kasumi. You did everything right. It was my fault. He was protecting me."

"That's not true." Kasumi put a hand on Shepard's back but she shrugged it off. "He made his choice and you would have done the same thing in his position."

Shepard didn't answer, her eyes were burning. She knew she would have done the same thing a million times over; she _had_ when the _Normandy _SR1 went down. When he had found her in that mess of wires and biting flame near the sleeper pods - as she had released the distress beacon, her mind had been consumed with how to get him off the ship, how to make sure he survived.

"Is he gonna- Miranda?" Shepard couldn't finish her sentence, strangled sounds coming out of her mouth.

"Is he going to live?" Miranda asked. Shepard nodded, unable to speak. "With my help? Probably. A couple more minutes and no, he wouldn't have. It depends on how he responds to some blood transfusions when we get into the med bay, sometimes...they've just lost too much to come back from."

"He'll be okay, he's a fighter, just like you." Kasumi soothed, Shepard notice her toying with Keiji's greybox and, for a second, thought horrible, selfish things about her friend.

In the med bay, Chakwas almost dropped a tray of freshly sterilized instruments when Miranda burst in carrying Kaidan.

Shepard trailed after Miranda, feeling useless and sick. Nothing good ever happened in the med bay; she had a vague memory that it was where she was standing on the SR1 when it was first hit with the Collector's beam.

"Shepard? What? Is...Is that Commander _Alenko_? My god, what happened?"

Miranda ignored Chakwas' questions, getting straight to business and transferring the monitors she had attached in the shuttle to the med bay's advanced machines. "Doctor, I'll start us off." Chakwas nodded firmly. "What I know: Kaidan Alenko, thirty-four-year-old male, high fitness level. L2 biotic neural wiring - potential resulting complications from defective implant. Left femoral artery transection from mass effect accelerated ballistic trauma." Miranda calmly reported to Chakwas, the older doctor was already moving, setting up a med table.

The medical jargon confused Shepard, she had no idea what they were talking about and it only increased her anxiety.

"We need on-table angiography of the affected region and resulting distal perfusion. He's coagulopathic and shock-y, Shepard says he was lucid before falling into unconsciousness."

Shepard watched it all numbly, like she wasn't even in the room. She thought maybe she was floating somewhere, high above in space.

"First priority is fluids, and vascular repair. We can debride dead tissue later." Chakwas said, tying on a medical apron, and scrubbing her hands down in medical wipe.

Miranda turned to the two women, standing in shock. "Shepard, Kasumi. You need to leave. Shepard, you don't want to see this. You're hurt and you need to see Mordin, right now. Your arm might be seriously damaged."

"No, Miranda. I want to stay, be with him."

"You can be with him when he wakes up. You're just in our way. Leave, _please_, Shepard." Miranda said gently and led her to the door.

"Kasumi, take her. She's shaking and in shock. Make sure Mordin takes care of her."

Kasumi put a firm but gentle hand on Shepard's back to lead her to Mordin's lab. Shepard's feet moved of their own volition. There was rushing like the ocean tides in her head, fighting with dominance over the ringing from Kasumi's grenade. Shepard liked the ocean; she wished she had saved her pretty dress from Hock's party. Kaidan had loved it. Kaidan was going to die. There was a sudden clamor from the gun battery and Garrus appeared, sprinting to Shepard.

"Shepard! Spirits, are you alright?" His eyes widened and his mandibles fluttered in panicked concern. "You're covered in blood. I should have-"

"It's not mine." Shepard dully intoned.

"What?"

"It belongs to Kaidan. Ha, ha." Laughter bubbled from Shepard's mouth, but there was no humor. Kasumi started in alarm, and Shepard heard her distantly call for Joker. What could Joker do, though? He wasn't any good at fixing people.

"Isn't that funny? Kaidan is dying on me and we kissed at the party and we are married and divorced and we danced and it was good. Why do we always die, Gar? I didn't wanna die."

Shepard leant over Garrus' armoured boots and vomited on them. The _foie gras_ and champagne Hock had forced her to eat made a brown mess.

"Garrus, catch her!" Kasumi yelled suddenly. "She's gonna faint-"

Shepard missed hitting the deck by millimetres, Garrus just barely wrapping his arm around her. Her shoulder gave one last burst of agony, another weak pump of blood around the medi-gel seal and she lost her battle with consciousness. Shepard eyelids shut, her eyes rolling into the back of her head.

Garrus kept calling to her but she didn't answer.


	19. Razor

There was a cool, soft hand on Shepard's forehead. Someone was humming. On tides of semi-consciousness she drifted, and was carried unwillingly to a time she only half-remembered. When someone loved her and took care of her, instead of the sting of split lips and broken arms.

"Mom?" Shepard mumbled. She felt warm and comfortable, and she wondered when it would inevitably end, when the yelling would start.

"No, Shepard. It is Samara. You have a burst eardrum, a concussion and a shattered shoulder."

Shepard's strange, soap bubble-shiny dream popped and she opened her eyes. She was stretched length-wise across the ivory-colored couch, her head propped on a pillow and a shimmery silver blanket draped over her body. Someone had removed her bloody armor, she was just dressed in a singlet, soft jacket and tracksuit pants. To her disgust she saw the lacy bra that she had worn at Hock's poking from her singlet strap. She thought of sickly _foie gras_ and wanted to sleep again.

Starboard Observation's great void window greeted her slitted eyes, stars twinkling coldly and her head gave a painful thump.

Shepard needed to know something, but she was afraid. So she said nothing except, "Mordin fixed it?"

Samara nodded regally. "He has fixed your ear, and repaired your shoulder as best he could. It will need some time to heal; although your mobility is unaffected, there will be pain. Your concussion will make you dizzy for a little while, but it too shall disappear in a day or so."

Shepard blinked slowly on the couch and turned her head away from the window.

Samara continued speaking. "They brought you in here to rest under my care, it was too far to your cabin, and they thought you would not like to wake up in the med bay or alone."

Shepard made a noise of assent and still avoided looking directly at Samara.

"You should ask if you want to know." Samara said.

Shepard ran the blanket through her fingers and wondered if it was the Justicar's. It was beautiful, probably woven on Thessia or Illium.

"I'm afraid." Shepard finally replied.

"Whatever will be, will be. You cannot change that with wilful ignorance or childish avoidance."

Shepard flinched at Samara's chiding, but knew that she spoke the truth. "Tell me...Is he dead?"

_'Please. You can't leave me.'_

Shepard held her breath. If Samara's answer was 'yes', she was not sure if she would have the strength to draw another one.

"No. He yet lives. He is sleeping peacefully in the medical bay. Miranda told me to tell you that when you feel up to it, he is allowed visitors. You have been unconscious for eighteen hours."

Shepard's throat closed up in relief and fear. He was alive. She made a strangled noise at Samara, full of suppressed tears but the asari seemed to understand what she wanted. She stood from where she had been perched at Shepard's side and put an arm under her undamaged shoulder, hefting her upright.

The world spun but Shepard didn't care. Samara helped her to the med bay, and she walked through the door shaking. Chakwas wasn't there; by Shepard's reckoning it was the middle of the sleep cycle. The asari turned her silvery, imposing gaze on the nurse gulping coffee by her desk, and Shepard distantly noted her scurry off, probably intimidated by Samara's mere presence.

She was afraid to see him, irrationally scared it was all one big lie and he was really going to be lying there still and cold, a corpse.

He wasn't cold, but he was still and pale. Shepard stumbled over to him, shaking off Samara's guiding arm.

"Kaidan...?"

He made no movement, no sign he had heard her. Miranda and Chakwas had stripped him from his blood soaked clothes; he looked to be naked under the white sheet. She noted thankfully, that there were no monitor cables stuck to his chest and he was breathing evenly by himself.

Kaidan's normally tanned skin looked sallow, and his face appeared much older than usual, the age lines etched deeply. Shepard noticed a few strands of grey hair at his temples, so much starker for his now sickly pale skin and black hair. She reached out a trembling hand to touch them, and when she skimmed his cheek, it was warm. She collapsed into the short stool beside his bed, finally free of the panic she felt since his blood pour over skin.

"I shall leave you alone, Shepard, and return to my meditations."

"Thanks." Shepard said softly to Samara's retreating back.

Once Samara was gone, she edged the stool closer to the bed, clinking the metal together and rested her head on his shoulder, letting the sound of his heartbeat lull her back to the dream of childish illusions of safety.

* * *

She was awoken much later by a jostling beneath her and blearily sat up, confused.

A pair of bright amber-brown eyes blinked sleepily at her and suddenly she was wide awake.

"Hey, there." She whispered.

Kaidan's eyes darted around, confused and finally settled on her face. "Hey, there. I had a dream, it was...nice."

His had reached out shakily to move a strand of her hair from her face.

Shepard shut her eyes. "Oh yeah? What did you dream about?"

He didn't answer for a moment, just cupped her face in his weak hands and brought it down to his face to kiss her. Shepard let him, and tried not to cry as his lips gently pressed against hers. Despite her iron-willed effort a couple of droplets spattered his cheek. His lips felt dry and cracked like sandpaper but it was all _Kaidan_ and they were very warm. She felt comforted.

He was alive and Shepard felt like she was too.

"I dreamt we had a..." Kaidan sighed sleepily and mumbled to her mouth, his breath gracing her lips. "Nothing, it's stupid." His head settled back on the pillow, and she saw his brows furrow, considering the med bay.

"S-Shepard...what happened? You shouldn't be in here; Pressly has been on duty for too long. And everyone will find out about us."

Shepard started for a moment; he was out of it from blood loss. He was obviously confused, mistaking the very similar layout of the SR2's med bay for their old SR1's.

If only they _could _go back to that time.

She reached for the glass of water by his beside and helped him drink it. "Kaidan, this isn't two years ago. Remember? You were shot at Hock's party; I had to take you back to the _Normandy _to save you. This is the Cerberus SR2."

He frowned at her for a long moment and she saw the minute memory and understanding rushed back to him - his eyes shuttered, darkening. Whatever he had been dreaming about so sweetly was swept aside.

The lips she had kissed so gently moments ago twisted in a frown. "_Cerberus_? Shepard, how could you? This is considered damn near treason!"

She felt like he had just turned around and spat in her face. She stood roughly from the stool, the metal shrieking across the med bay's tiles.

"Oh, I am _so_ sorry, Mr Alliance Big Man! Would you have rather bled to _death_? We had to carry you back here, and I have been worried sick!"

Her sudden switch from sitting and her red, hot anger had the blood rushing from her face and she wobbled alarmingly, clutching his bed for purchase, lest she fall and crack her head on the side. Her shoulder throbbed its displeasure.

Kaidan reached out for her arm as if he could stop her falling. Shepard smacked his hand away angrily.

"No! You are _always _like this! It has to go _your_ way, _your _way _perfectly_ or not at all. Well fine, you want off? You want to leave again? We can go to the Citadel right now and I will dump your broken ass on Anderson's doorstop where you can whisper together about how irrational I am a little more!"

Kaidan instantly looked contrite. "No, I-I mean...I don't know. I need to think. I'm sorry, ok? It's a bit of a shock, I didn't mean to sound ungrateful. I didn't mean to scare you."

Shepard sniffed, hardly mollified. "You might want to think before you open your mouth for once in your life. You scared me to death and then you turn around and throw words like 'treason' around."

Kaidan scratched a hand over his beard, "Yeah. Sorry. But did you not get my email about Cerberus? For god's sake Shepard! They were spying on me, they had picture of us,_ everywhere_ and...you know, making love."

Shepard sighed, annoyed. Of course they would spy on him, probably all of her former crew. She thought he was acting naive, shocked, when even the Alliance would always gather intel on outside contractors. It was just the way the military sector, privatized or otherwise, worked.

Shepard didn't like it, didn't like the implied threat and the game the Illusive Man was playing, but her hands were tied so tightly, with no wiggle room. What exactly did he want from her?

"Oh yeah, I got your little email. So what?" Shepard scoffed. "Cerberus didn't exactly respect my privacy when they poked their little fingers through my comatose body! They had me for months and months to do what they wanted."

Kaidan winced from her bluntness but she could see him put on a determinedly calm face to try and reason with her. "Shepard...the agent tried to kill me when I found him out. It was...really weird and specific. I have incomplete, classified files. There's something going on behind the scenes here, a conspiracy that you are playing straight into."

"There are always conspiracies, Kaidan. Without knowing what it is, what do you expect me to do? Barge down the Illusive Man's door? _Please_. You're smarter than me and even I can see that's a damn stupid way to expect the world to work." She spat, folding her arms across her chest. Her shoulder twinged, adding to her fiery anger. "You can't always get what you want."

Kaidan struggled upright on his pillows, trying to even their eye line. Reluctantly, Shepard helped him, propping the pillows behind him. "You absolutely _can't _if you take that attitude, blindly following what you are told." He said.

"And we're back to this!" Shepard exhaled explosively. She willed her head to stop pounding. "You follow the Alliance's rules!"

"Because they are right. Cerberus is wrong."

The world was always so black and white to him. So clear. Shepard was beginning to learn that life was never that simple, hard and painful things needed flexibility. Why was he always so stubborn, so difficult?

"Alliance's rules weren't so right or black and white when you enjoyed sleeping with me every night, were they? Pretty sure it says nice and neatly in the reg book '_Thou Shalt Not Fuck Your Commanding Officer'_." She joked bitterly. The ringing in her ears was returning. She wanted painkillers from Mordin or Chakwas and to crawl under her blankets for a week.

Instead, she sighed at his hurt expression and sat back down on the stool grumpily.

"Shepard, that was different and you know it." Kaidan said quietly and seriously. His brown eyes looked at her reprovingly.

"Yeah." She said and slumped to rest her forehead on the blankets. She felt his hand stroke her hair and fell quiet for a moment, gathering her arguments while wanting to crawl onto that bed with him and sleep in his arms.

Eventually she straightened, prepared for battle. "Oh and I forgot to ask you before, but since we're goin' another round, how is your doctor lady '_friend'_?" Shepard made sarcastic little air quotes.

Kaidan groaned. Apparently he thought she'd run out of ammunition. "Don't start, Shepard. That meant nothing to me, we never even kissed."

"What? You haven't been- Since I died?" Shepard was taken aback. She was sure he would have...moved on, even a little bit.

"Uh no." He rubbed the back of his neck, his hand shaking. "Not really. I mean, to...to be completely honest, I did kiss someone-"

Shepard couldn't quite stop her eyes narrowing at him, jealousy surging. It was stupid, he had the right to fuck or kiss who he wanted. Never mind her corpse lying on a med slab.

Kaidan's eyebrows rose in alarm, realizing he was digging himself a very deep hole.

"But it was kind of an accident! She's a nice woman...or she was. The Collectors took her."

"Oh. I'm sorry." Shepard deflated, feeling stupid. "Is that why...on Horizon? Did you have something with her, because I can-"

"No, it was a misunderstanding. Look, Shepard. We're getting off-topic. Our relationship isn't really relevant to Cerberus-"

Kaidan had said the wrong thing again. The relationship _was_ relevant and now Shepard couldn't believe after everything that had happened at Hock's he was trying to slide back into professionalism.

That was Kaidan all over. When it got too hard, too personal, he retreated from her, pulling away.

"There's no way out for this one, Kaidan, stop looking for one."

He flinched and she knew that she had caught him out on his commitment issues.

She sighed. "Look, I'm tired. You nearly died a day ago."

"Shepard, I don't know. I'm exhausted but..."

"Let's just not talk about it for the moment." She didn't want to deal with his Cerberus hang-ups and just wanted to revel in the fact they were both alive and safe. "You look like shit and I feel like shit."

"We're a pair, I guess." Kaidan smiled weakly.

"Yeah."

There was a silence for the moment, where they just stared, considering each other. She could see his eyes flicker over her face, the wheels turning in his sharp brain. He thought too much, she decided.

Eventually, he spoke haltingly. "Hock's party. Everything that happened there. T-that...that wasn't me just acting like your ex-husband, you know? I care about you."

"Yeah." Shepard's eyes left his. The dance they shared played behind her eyes like a movie and she searched around for a reason to distract herself from it. Her eyes caught on his stupidly attractive, dark beard. "Look, you want a shave? My clean cut Lieutenant has turned into a Canadian lumberjack."

Kaidan's eyes lit up. "I think if you did that for me I would sell you my soul."

"Silly man. I already have that."

Shepard crossed to Chakwas' supply cupboard and punched in her command authorization code, it slid open with a hiss. She rummaged through the drugs and med supplies to triumphantly dig out a sharp razor. She filled a clean bed pan with water and grabbed some shaving foam, then crossed to his bed. His eyes were drooping shut already.

"Hey now, don't fall asleep on me."

"Tryin' not to."

Shepard climbed onto the bed with him, and he weakly scooted over wincing. "You know, it really hurts getting shot."

"Yeah, no kidding. Took a bullet myself."

"You alright?" He said worriedly. His eyes searched for her injury and she pulled the soft jacket away from her shoulder to show him the bandaged wound. His hand reached out to ghost over it gently.

"Sorry, I tried to-"

"I know. And you ever do that to me again I will shoot you in the other leg. Rule is: Shepard gets shot, crew does not. And you are still my crew, Kaidan."

He frowned. "We're going to have to agree to disagree there."

"I thought I told you to stow that white knight complex. It has no place on this ship."

She busied herself balancing the basin of water on his chest and gently stretched out beside him, then spread the soft foam over his bearded jaw.

"Though you probably saved my life." She muttered, embarrassed. "It rung my bell pretty good and I think I chucked up on Garrus, but I'm tough as they come."

"Yeah. You are." He said, quietly.

She stroked the razor down his face, with all the concentration and precision of a special N7 op. He sighed softly, evidently enjoying the sensation, his eyelashes fluttering shut. Some of the color came back to his cheeks.

It felt...heartbreakingly intimate and Shepard's stomach squirmed a bit uncomfortably. How could they go from tears and almost screaming to this closeness in minutes? Their relationship was one of the best and worst things to ever happen to her. It was full of highs, so wonderful feeling that she felt like she could touch fire and not get burned. And then sometimes so low, she didn't know why she had ever let him kiss her.

She wondered where they would be if she hadn't and the possibility that he wouldn't be here, terrified her. She could never regret a moment of the time they had.

"I don't know." He finally said, minutes later. His skin look smooth and fresh again and she couldn't resist bending down to kiss his clean jaw lightly. He turned his head as she went to do it to the other side and captured her lips with his. They kissed for a long moment, confused and wanting but not knowing why.

Kaidan mumbled against her lips, "I don't know if I can do this Shepard. You're here right in front of me, and everything is just telling me to forget about Cerberus, forget about everything but us. But I can't."

"That's how I felt at first." She breathed back. "Waking up. I was confused and just wanted you to come and make the world make sense again. Eventually, you stop noticing that the world is upside down, you know? Like getting stuck in your own Singularity."

"I don't think I want to live in that kind of world."

"How about you just _exist_ in it for now? For me?"

She pulled away, standing up again and set Chakwas' supplies on a table.

"I can't rationalize away the shitty things Cerberus does like you." He said and Shepard spun, pain and anger lancing through her so quickly. That self-righteous asshole.

"You think that's what I'm doing? Oh for fuck's sake. Why are you always such a stubborn ass?!" She yelled.

"I'm not, but you're being dangerously naive and trusting!" He retorted.

"Whatever. I'm not doing this with you." She glared at him, exhausted. "I'm leaving; you heal and talk to me when you decide to get your head out of your ass. Garrus needs to head to the Citadel when he's located someone with his contacts. You can leave then, if you still want. And I've got to go to Tuchanka on business. I don't think I want to speak to you for a while, until you stop treating me like the enemy. I hope your leg is better soon."

He opened his mouth and made to grab her arm like he wanted to stop her leaving, but Shepard turned and walked away, wishing she could slam the med bay door. Stupid electronic doors.

She shuffled up to her lonely cabin, stopping only once to steal some men's shirts in his size from the laundry and hoard away in her room like a secret bounty. It felt like a foolish hope but…she wanted him to come around; to put aside his staunch loyalty to the Alliance.

For _them_. For her.

That integrity of his sometimes felt like a third person in their relationship.


	20. Getting Away With It

_We're getting away with it all messed up_

_Getting away with it all messed up_

_That's the living_

_…She's out in deep water_

_Hope he's a good swimmer_

- Lyrics by James, from the album _Pleased to Meet You_

* * *

While Shepard spent the next few days dealing with shoulder pain and helping Grunt and Mordin with their business on Tuchanka, Kaidan finally skulked weakly out of the med bay, feeling like he was being treated like a spy.

Chakwas had to give him a crutch to use for a few days, the treatments she had done to his leg had mostly fixed the artery but everything was sore and tender. He couldn't stand for too long or a dull ache would spread through his leg muscles.

Kaidan emailed Anderson through the secure Alliance network and let him know that he had been shot and was recovering with Shepard. The orders he received back had made guilt squirm in his stomach: he was to watch Shepard, watch her crew and ship, and judge whether she needed to be brought in. Even snag the greybox if he could.

Apparently, Anderson was under a lot of pressure keeping both the Council and the Alliance off her back. Reading between the lines (he was getting good at that), Kaidan gathered that he was to make sure any report he gave to Anderson cast her in a good light. He would do his best, but he resolved that if Cerberus crossed the line in front of him...well even Shepard was not above the law, no matter her Spectre status.

Kaidan didn't know what he would do or say; only that he wanted to be on the _Normandy _to help Shepard with her mission, but wouldn't allow her to compromise everything they used to stand for in the Alliance by cutting corners.

He could see that she thought she was doing the right thing, but every time the Cerberus AI helpfully chirped at him, he felt scrutinized and examined.

Cerberus had welcomed him into their clutches. He wondered if the lure of _Shepard _would be enough to keep him there.

The Cerberus Agent, Miranda, watched him like a hawk, covert glances behind Shepard's back. He didn't know what her problem was but it was pissing him off.

Shepard was still giving him the silent treatment, and her crew seemed to do the same. Chakwas had been very brisk and professional but Kaidan wasn't surprised. Even since Chakwas had found out about their illicit, reg-breaking relationship at Shepard's funeral, she had been cold and distant with him. It seemed to have doubled now, after Horizon.

Kaidan was glad to escape her stern care in a way, even to the cramped beds of the Crew Quarters.

Garrus seemed to have developed a problem with him too; he had barely said two words to Kaidan and stuck to Shepard's side like glue, shooting him dark looks. Kaidan wasn't a fool; he had known that Garrus' feelings ran pretty deep for Shepard back in the SR1 days. They seemed to have evolved into something more intense now, and he wondered if Shepard was aware of it. He determinedly ignored the jealousy, the retorts on the tip of his tongue at Garrus' cold narrowed eyes.

Tali had been different, overjoyed to see Kaidan again after some initial coolness and he had been happy to see her, spending hours in engineering together fussing and tweaking their omni-tools.

Joker had studiously ignored him, muttering pointed comments and snarky remarks to the AI, EDI. Whenever he saw Joker, rage burnt in his heart and he had to leave the room before he would say something that he would regret or piss Shepard off beyond all repair.

Kaidan would never, ever forget that empty escape pod and Shepard's few last words.

_'I'll take care of Joker. I won't abandon my crew, LT.'_

Kaidan dealt with it by spending his days trying to build some strength up in his damaged leg and trying not to stare too obviously and wistfully after Shepard.

* * *

It all came to a head the day Shepard returned from helping Grunt on Tuchanka.

Kaidan had wanted to go with her to help and visit Wrex, but she had scoffed at his awkward, slow gait and ordered him to stay on the ship.

She came back hours later, covered in dirt and blood. Her teeth shone, standing out from her dark, dirt coated face and when she saw him anxiously hovering outside the shuttle bay she had beamed even wider, her anger at him forgotten.

"LT! I got one! I killed that son of a bitch good." She enthused and rushed over to him. She was bouncing from foot to foot, battle-crazed and hyped. In the background he could see Zaeed drag himself to the elevator, deflated, his face white, his cigar extinguished and his posture exhausted. Kaidan's lips twitched at the state of him. He hadn't spoken to the merc much yet, but _really_ didn't like the way he spoke to Shepard.

The rough merc obviously couldn't keep up with his Shepard.

The small krogan, Grunt, rumbled from behind her. "Battlemaster Shepard has no equal, even among krogan. All fear her name; we killed a Thresher Maw on foot, puny human. You should be in awe."

Kaidan ignored the 'puny' remark. "Uh yeah...Grunt, Shepard's a hell of a soldier."

"Damn right I am! Fucking Thresher Maws! That was for Akuze, bitches!" She did a little jig with her pistol, miming shooting an imaginary giant worm and Kaidan found himself grinning at her antics, the past few days of coldness and worry over spying on her disappearing. In moments like these he knew this was where he was supposed to be, never mind the sick feeling that was his usual, oily, guilty shadow. The Cerberus logos on the wall mocked his every move.

He couldn't resist her enthusiasm and grabbed her hand, fake dancing with her and twirling her on the spot.

She was a rain cloud, sometimes dark and moody, bringing everyone around her down. And sometimes she was a puff of gentle white wisps, the shower after a storm, bright, happy and charismatic. She infected him with her mood, made him feel like he could take on the whole galaxy if she would just smile like that again.

She brayed like a donkey, her loud brash laugh making Kaidan's heart sing. "I always knew you could take down a Reaper on foot if it pissed you off bad enough, Shep. You're amazing."

They spun in a circle and he was laughing and the young krogan was staring at them impassively and -

Suddenly, she grabbed him and pressed her lips to his. She pulled back almost immediately, her face bright red and eyes wide at her own daring. "Uh...sorry. Sorta got caught up in the moment." She muttered.

Grunt gaped at them, his wide mouth popped in surprise open or perhaps he was just very interested in the mating rituals of humans. Kaidan couldn't tell either way but he _could_ tell that his stomach was doing happy flip-flops. She'd finally warmed up to him again, it wasn't a charged life or death situation and she had still wanted to kiss him – for the first time since he had opened his mouth and word vomited.

Kaidan grabbed her by her armoured waist and kissed her back. In her enthusiasm to return the embrace she dropped her helmet she was holding in one hand with a _clank_ to the floor.

Everything was so messed up. He didn't even know if they were still in a relationship, all he knew was that he wanted her. Her arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer and Kaidan obliged, all his confused thoughts of Cerberus and allegiances forgotten. It was like the electric moments back at Hock's party, the world dulled except for the Singularity of her.

Her hands were scrapping at the back of the plain black shirt he found to wear and his hands were drifting to her firm behind. All of Kaidan's worries over morality disappeared. He wanted to taste her skin again, know what it was like to be tangled in bed sheets with her, her face when she just woke up with bed hair and the whole galaxy in her eyes.

"Battlemaster? You dropped your helmet. You should wear it if you plan to wrestle with this pyjak some more."

Shepard turned her head and Kaidan saw the krogan thrust Shepard's helmet at her and lumber to the elevator.

"Oh man." Shepard snickered. "Why will none of my crew let me have my wicked way with you in peace?"

"Probably because he was standing right there." Kaidan smiled crookedly. "Didn't you say you released him from a pod and he's like a kid krogan? You're a terrible mom, Shepard."

"Ha, shush you." Shepard grinned and pecked his cheek. "He needs to learn that shit sometime. Fact of life...a really fun fact."

Kaidan cleared his throat awkwardly, not sure where they stood with each other. "Speaking of fun facts…I missed you."

"I missed you too." Shepard breathed and took one of his hands in her own. "But really you've been a douchebag and tried to die on me and got me cranky, so you deserve it."

"Shepard-"

"No, no." She shook her head, shushing him. "Right now, I want it to be just me and you. You almost died and I have no idea what I would do without you. You know that, right?"

"I know."

He really did. Those dark days after her death would never leave him, black marks on his soul.

Kaidan's heart clenched in a rush of love for the woman standing before him, she was beaten and dirty and rough but never broken. Shepard was so free in her love, in her affection once her trust and friendship was gained. So prickly on the exterior but he knew nobody with a heart as kind. "I know that better than anyone. I just want to be with you. I don't know how all this will work out, or at the end where we will be..."

Shepard stopped his musing, leaning on her tip-toes to kiss the corner of his mouth and chirp. "There is a new Shepard Regulation, ok?"

"I'm wary of your regs. Last time I believe it was we had 'Oral Sex Tuesdays' and I couldn't stop thinking about it all week and I ended up frying my favorite omni-tool with a modification error, but okay."

Shepard grinned impishly. "Oh yeah, that was hilarious. Garrus couldn't work out why I was laughing so hard at having to requisition you a new 'tool. But no, I'm serious this time."

"What?' He mock gasped. "My whole life is a lie, that reg was the one I would never break."

Shepard giggled but quickly sobered and said: "When you kiss me, you cannot think of the Alliance or Cerberus. We're fucked, Kaidan." Shepard eyes were slate grey in this light and it saddened him to see them darkened and her voice so choked, talking about their relationship. "The Collectors broke us that day, as well as my body, and I don't know how to fix anything. You can't rebuild feelings and trust like a performing a skin graft. What I do know is how I feel, and that we _shouldn't _be this complicated together. So deal? No Cerberus?"

Kaidan's fingers trailed her jaw, down to her chin and he leaned in to explore her pert mouth with his lips, a small experiment to see if this particular reg would stick. He thought of nothing but the pounding of his lovesick heart and knew that, for the moment, he _could _play by her rules.

"Deal."

Shepard was on him in seconds, mouth insistent, wet and hot. Her hands were dragging him to the elevator and he followed willingly, trying to even his gait and not seem so gimpy in front of her with his leg.

Once the doors shut, he was on her, pressing her to the wall and kissing around the collar of her armor of her neck. Shepard moaned, bucking her hips into him.

"Have I told you how much I love your new armor, Shepard?" Kaidan murmured to her neck, his breath ghosting the hair tucked behind her ears. "You look great. Like a warrior with style."

"No, you didn't." Her fingers wandered at his waistband in small teasing forays. "Have I told you that you just get better with age? Grey hair, LT? Does naughty things to me."

He laughed a little self-consciously into her sweet-smelling hair. He felt like he had aged decades in the two years she had been gone, but she still looked as pretty and young as ever. She hit the button for her cabin, pulling him in when the elevator arrived.

Kaidan had never been inside her room before, it was…opulent for a Commander's cabin. Her old one had been cramped and dark. To him, it had been perfect, a safe nest for their trysts. He became so distracted with the massive fish tank and size of the room that for a moment he missed Shepard pulling off her armor pieces.

"LT? I am so disappointed. Really, fish hold more sway? I should have never have allowed Grunt to convince me to buy them." She pouted, teasing.

Kaidan stalked towards her. "Shep, you are so much hotter than fish. Well...most fish."

He smothered her laugh with another kiss and this time there was no one around to stop them. His hands slipped under the singlet she had worn under her armor and lifted, pulling it away from her stomach and over her head. Her sport bra soon followed.

"I used to dream about you, Shepard. I missed you, I can't even tell you how much."

She made a humming noise in the back of her throat as his hands found her breasts, backing her into the wall separating her bathroom and she pulled his mouth to hers again, her hands fisted in the back of his hair.

Her tongued stroked his, lustful and full of promise. Beneath his hands she became more urgent, straining her lower, armor encased half against his hips.

"Kaidan…how's your leg?"

"What leg?" He mumbled, distracted. He didn't want to talk right now. Kaidan tried to join their mouths again, but she laughed and ducked her head. He was busy drinking in the sight of her bare skin, the feel of the soft weight in his hands.

"The leg you were shot in, you _fool_." Her voice raised an octave on the last word; his thumb had ghosted over one of her peaks, hardening the nipple.

"Oh that. It's fine."

"_Good._ I was hoping your knees wouldn't buckle when I did this." Shepard suddenly used her deceptive strength to dislodge his wandering hands and reverse their positions, so his back was to the wall. Then she knelt in one swift movement and his pants were down around his ankles and her tongue was on him and Kaidan saw stars. Or just maybe, he was going to pass out from the best kind of blood loss, the one that didn't require a bullet through the femoral artery.

"Jesus, Shepard." He groaned. "It's not a Tuesday. Warn a guy."

She paused in her ministrations and Kaidan felt like shooting himself (again) for distracting her.

"Now what would be the fun in that, LT?"

Her head bobbed and he groaned, barely resisting fisting his hands in her hair. He decided that he was just going to keep his mouth shut forever to stop his foot jamming in there. Three months ago if someone said he would be here right now, hopelessly pressed into the wall by Shepard and the whole…_Shepard-ness_ of her, Kaidan would have punched them in the mouth. This second chance they had felt like a gift, that sometimes came wrapped in tears and anger and yelling, but still…a precious shiny thing that he didn't want to ever waste.

Kaidan knew he wouldn't last long, there had really been no one since Shepard two years ago, her pace was gentle and measured but still it felt almost too much, all the emotions and mixed grief and love between them, making their every touch raw. He felt his leg start to shake at the suction and her gentle lips. "Shepard, w-wow. Um, my leg wants to ruin my life and I don't want to fall on you." He panted.

She stopped and stood to press up against him; Kaidan kissed her again and tasted himself on her. Painfully hard, he scrabbled at her armored pants, searching almost frantically for the release clips. Shepard batted his hands and laughed, winking. "I am dirty and need a shower, unless you want to kiss dust and dirt."

"I don't really care, Shep. I just want you."

Shepard took his hand and led him into the shower. Kaidan stepped out of his pants and then once in the bathroom, pulled his shirt over his head. Shepard yanked the rest of her armor off roughly, breasts bouncing.

She turned the spray on as hot and as hard as it could go while still being comfortable and Kaidan pulled her under it, kissing her and finally allowed his hands to roam her body freely, nothing stopping their slow exploration.

The water sluiced their dark hair over their faces; she peeked at him through wet, wavy strands and playfully smoothed the hair off his forehead. Kaidan felt safe; there was her skin, her lips, her wet mouth and nothing else.

It felt like they were back on the _Normandy_, that small amount of time they had to just be together in the middle of the geth clean-up mission.

He thought about her telling him she was afraid to lose him and decides that this time, _he's_ the one afraid.

He charted a course across her skin, he had never scored that well in navigation but her body was a star chart he actually could read. The stars may have shifted, old freckles and imperfections wiped –'stellar drift' they had called it for far away stars in school, but the background, the canvas was still there. That hadn't changed. Her burning bright cosmic radiation was in her smile, in eyes with droplets of water gathered on thick lashes that said simply, '_I love you.'_

Kaidan had finally found home again.

His fingers drifted between her legs and she gasped into his mouth, her face flush. She had stopped smirking.

"Kaidan…please. Stop teasing me." She moaned, her hips writhing at his hands. Kaidan wanted her to feel what he did, what she made him feel, that ragged wanting. He didn't stop until she was nearly sobbing with denied release.

"We can't do the wall thing with my leg." He said, cursing getting himself shot. Well…really he'd do it all again to save _her_ from being shot. But still, it was seriously ruining his already sad sex life.

Shepard snapped her eyes open. "Oh no. I used to love the wall thing, y'know." She shut off the water with a jerk and was suddenly dragging him into her bedroom, nearly tripping down the small stairs, dripping water everywhere. He chuckled at her dominant streak, as she pulled him down on top of her on the bed sheets.

"Stop laughing and kiss me, you big teasing jerk."

So he did, parting her knees and settling between her legs. Shepard kissed him again, searching and wanting. He slid inside her, slow and gentle but she wrapped her legs around his hips, heels driving into the small of his back to encourage him harder and deeper.

He thrust and Shepard moaned loudly, reaching for one of his hands to grip it tightly. "Kaidan…"

Encouraged by her clear arousal, she was already so close to the edge; he set a frenetic pace, ignoring the twinge in his leg muscle. There was no pain when he was with Shepard, just warm skin and sensation and heat. He felt his stomach muscles tighten in anticipation. She was slick and tight, meeting his hips thrust for thrust.

He wanted to feel like this forever, hide away from the world to make love to her in her big bed all day. This was like it had used to be, their cocoon away from responsibilities and worries.

He bent his head to take one erect nipple in her mouth, tasting droplets of water from the shower and her sweat. His nose nudged her breast and he smelt that Shepard smell, all softness and that particular brand of scented moisturiser she used.

Her noises of approval were becoming louder and more frequent, her walls tightening around him, squeezing rhythmically.

"Shepard…" His hand reached between them, just above where he entered her and stroked her clit.

He saw Shepard's eyes squeeze shut as the force of orgasm tore through her, her whole body tensed like a music string that played notes just for him. He felt the spasm from inside, forcing his own release to spill out hotly, filling her. He stayed still for a moment, panting into her neck, trying to desperately remember how to breathe, how to function after having a small pleasurable death. Her eyes were still closed, but she was kissing her way across his jaw, his neck, and his shoulders.

"I missed you, Kaidan." She whispered again, right into the shell of his ear. Right now, Kaidan thought she could have been in the heart of the Illusive Man's office and he still would not have thought for a moment of Cerberus. He curled around her, wrapping an arm around her stomach and he fell asleep watching her chest rise and fall.

* * *

They woke in the night; Shepard poked him in the stomach, whining, "I'm starved."

"Me too." Kaidan grabbed her hand as she poked him and kissed her fingers.

"Mmph." She grumbled.

"Cereal?"

Shepard grinned wickedly. "This is why I love you, you know all my tricks. What other man will blow my mind and then get up and get me cereal?"

"No one." Kaidan laughed, sitting up. "And I'm only doing it because you are too lazy to get it yourself when you get all limp and sleepy like this. But they should because you are beautiful and perfect even when you're a huge, annoying pain in the ass."

"Hmpf. I do adore your back-handed compliments as ever, Kaidan." Shepard buried her head into the pillows, hair a messy riot of curls and her saucy grin. He dove on top of her, digging her out of the blankets to kiss her forehead and whisper, "I'll be right back."

He hopped out of bed and slung his pants on but as he reached for his black shirt again she said, "No, it's ok. I got you some clean ones," and threw him one from her bedside table. Kaidan raised his eyebrows but decided to say nothing to ruin the moment.

She threw a pillow biotically at him as he left, which he dodged with a hop on his good leg. "That's not how you should treat your sole food fetcher, Shepard." He said and caught the pillow mid-air with a Pull as it flew past him. He yanked his hand again and sent it sailing right back at her face. On reflex her hand came up to block and there was a sudden explosion of feathers.

She had blown the pillow up.

Kaidan hobbled away, out of her cabin as quickly as he could, before he could get blamed for the mess. He couldn't stop smiling at her loud squawk of dismay that followed him out the door.

He padded down barefoot to the mess and hoped he wouldn't see anyone. He didn't want to have to hide the smile on his face.

Luckily, the sleep cycle had just started and there was no one around. Kaidan hummed tonelessly, happy as he rifled in the cupboards for Shepard's cereal. He smiled softly as he finally dug out the large packet that had 'ShEpARD'S DONt TOUCH. I KiLL U' emblazoned across the label in large, childishly scrawled letters. Shepard was terrible with writing, even doubly so without a datapad.

"So. She got her way then, and ignored my advice." A cool voice cut through Kaidan's happy mood.

When he shut the cupboard door Miranda stood there, dressed in an elegant black lace nightie and dressing gown, clutching a cup of coffee. He noticed her small perfectly shaped toenails had been painted blood red.

"I'm sorry?" Kaidan said.

"Please. Don't play dumb, Staff Commander. EDI sees everything and is obliged to answer my questions."

"So you spied on us?!" Kaidan yelled, suddenly angry. He was sick of secrets and lies and manipulations.

"No." The woman rolled her eyes at him. "Come now, if I so desire I can get my kicks elsewhere, I have no compulsion to watch your adolescent mating rituals."

"Anyone ever tell you, you're extremely rude and inappropriate?" Kaidan banged the cereal down on the bench, sending some flakes flying. "Shepard and I, whatever we do, are none of your business."

"Shepard is my business." Miranda hissed, taking a step towards him. "Her health is my business. Her happiness is my business. I know that woman right down to her every DNA strand. I know the code for her eye color, exactly the shade of her hair. I know what it takes to make soft curly black hair and grey-blue eyes. You know nothing."

"Black-? Shepard has brown hair. What are you talking about? This is about _you_, isn't it?" He eyed her black waves and cornflower eyes. "You are projecting your own issues onto her." He said and yanked the fridge open to grab milk.

He turned and glared at the woman, continuing. "I've done my homework too, Ms Lawson. You weren't born, you were _made_. Don't confuse for a second your own origins with what's best for Shepard, or best for the galaxy. Just because science-"

Miranda cut him off. "I know that. But science did save her. Cerberus saved her. Cerberus is scientific progress and humanity's best hope. You haven't a clue what it is capable of. You're a philistine and a sentimental fool. And so is the Alliance. You might make her happy for a moment, but you're not good for her. You'll leave and this mission will lose her focus again."

Kaidan took a determinedly calming breath, clenching his teeth. "Listen to me: people are not DNA strands…that's not all we are. We are not science projects. Shepard is not a project. She is not a weapon."

"Ha." Miranda smirked, and uncrossed her arms to snatch the milk from his hands. She stalked to the coffee maker, throwing over her shoulder: "You'd be surprised the difference one tiny strand of DNA makes, a tiny cluster of cells changes everything. It's because of Cerberus that you have that woman up there to kiss and make love to, and _constantly _emotionally and physically abandon." Kaidan huffed in anger, this woman was insufferable. "It's because of Cerberus you have a-"

"A what?" He bit out, frustrated with her knowing, snotty tone.

"...That you have a _life_. I saved it, you know." She motioned to his leg with her coffee cup, and spilt some over the side onto his pants. "Oops." She said not sounding sorry at all. "You have no idea how much I've slaved to save."

"I'm aware," he said, clipped and short. "I should thank you, but Cerberus does not save people out of the goodness of their hearts. You didn't save Shepard because you cared about her as a person." Kaidan filled his and Shepard's bowls with cereal and took his milk back, glowering at the stunningly beautiful woman. To him though, she just looked like a carefully constructed subterfuge. Nothing like the realness, the down to Earth quality of Shepard.

"You're just another person who sees her as a tool to be used. You and the Illusive Man see her as a sword for humanity rather than a human being with feelings and emotions, who laughs loudly and jokes badly." He said.

He saw real anger crease her brow then and knew he'd hit a sore point. "I care about Shepard!"

"Yeah, maybe you do _now_." Kaidan scoffed. "Now that she's done something to help you. Because down to her bones, she wants to save people, wants to help them and wants someone to love her for it. She helped with your sister, no?" He asked, already knowing the answer. "That's the scuttlebutt, anyway. She wants to put families back together, because hers died on Earth or abused her."

Miranda seemed struck silent; her mouth popped open a little, so he took the opportunity to say his piece, all his hate for Cerberus' treatment of Shepard bubbling over. "And it's easy to love her, _you_ know it. I can see how you take care of her, how you fuss. But _you_ and Cerberus have used her guilt, her need to help people to twist her into some kind of weapon for you. And she's in so deep; she's drowning and can't even see it. And that's why I hate Cerberus, and it's why I don't respect you, Ms Lawson."

"You're wrong." She said. She crossed the little lace dressing gown she wore more firmly over her chest.

"Am I? It doesn't matter." Kaidan shook his head, sighing. "Shepard does what she thinks is right and I'll follow her as far as I can."

"And just how _far_ is that?" Miranda hissed, rallying her composure. He was just about to retort when there was movement from the shadows.

"Kaidan?" Shepard appeared, rubbing her eyes. She'd thrown his black shirt on and it fell to her mid-thigh. She looked rumpled and unusually soft. Kaidan saw a fluffy goose feather from the burst pillow in her hair.

"What's taking-?" She stopped, noticing Miranda and smiled. "Oh hi, Miri. What's going on...?"

Kaidan smiled tightly and collected their cereal, handing one to her. "Sorry Shepard, got caught up having a little chat. Goodnight, Ms Lawson."

Miranda nodded icily, her eyes pale slits. "Staff Commander Alenko."

Kaidan went up to bed with Shepard, but his jubilation at their coming together had been muted. They ate their cereal quietly; Shepard seemed unaware of the pall that had fallen over him.

He curled up to her back to sleep but it wouldn't come to Kaidan for hours. Cerberus had their claws into the woman snoring softly beside him.

He wasn't sure if they had become a part of her yet. Kaidan stroked one of her milky soft shoulders; in her sleep she turned and wrapped an arm around him. He frowned. His heart was sick again, the walls seemed too small on this ship, even if it was bigger than the SR1.

He felt torn; this didn't feel like the duty that had sustained him all his adult life with the Alliance. It felt like a new kind of duty, one he owed to her.

The two couldn't be reconciled, the two halves warring.

Shepard was the same, for now, but nothing else was. Or ever would be again. This wasn't two years ago. Even if she pretended it was, with her silly, made-up regs.


	21. Trying

"I hate it."

Shepard watched as Kaidan plucked disdainfully at the white, black and orange armor. She'd dug out some spare armor from Jacob's armory collection and had spent the morning with Kaidan in her cabin, helping him get dressed to see if it would fit. His leg was better now, his limp almost gone. She didn't deny to herself that it made her unreasonably happy. Soon, it would be just like the days on the SR1, missions with Kaidan, Garrus and Tali by her side.

The little black dog that had seemed to chase her around since she woke up, pulling her thoughts and self-esteem down into a black pit of loathing, now appeared to have finally lain down and died. For the most part, anyway.

She thought happily, as she pulled the armor over Kaidan's head, (ruffling his hair adorably) of Samara, Kasumi and the rest of the friends on the new SR2 squad she'd made, and how _maybe_ it could be just as good as the SR1.

The Illusive Man didn't seem so abrasive these days, even…proud of her help with some small Cerberus missions, helping people in trouble. Shepard, despite her resistance, felt a tiny glow in her stomach at his praise. It made her sick, of course. But while she was working for Cerberus, she may as well do some good.

Miranda was being downright kind to her. Shepard was even beginning to rely on EDI's ever-present help and she was starting to see the benefits of AI. The crew was starting to work smoothly together, barring a few small issues. Even Kelly was pulling her weight and her sickly sweetness was fading. She always had a morning coffee and neatly organized emails waiting for Shepard when she padded down to the galaxy map for her duty. And she damn well loved morning coffee. Kaidan was terrible at making coffee for her…

"Oh, come on," she smiled at his expression, and patted him on the shoulder, "You look handsome. Rugged, even."

He raised an eyebrow at her unconvinced, "You're buttering me up."

Combined with his messed up hair, he looked hopelessly ruffled and put out. Shepard couldn't help laughing at him this time and his expression sunk further.

"Ok, ok. I'm sorry," she said and muffled her giggles with a hand over her mouth, "Just stop pouting; you look like an overgrown schoolboy. I'm not buttering you up!" she protested and examined him again. The armor was bulkier than he was used to, heavy weave and thick ablative pieces. He looked different, but she thought it worked well for him, "You look great. And you do _need _armor."

"It's _Cerberus_ armor, Shep," he said, gesturing to himself. He started jerkily ripping it off again and she took pity on him, gently helping him with his chest piece.

"I know," she soothed, "but it's all we have. Your leg is nearly better and I want you by my side again on missions." She paused and looked away, fussing with his removed chest piece, "I mean, that is if you want to be there…"

Kaidan placed a hand over hers on the armor, "Of course I do."

Shepard swallowed, suddenly unaccountably relieved. Everything was so new, and yet ancient between them. They slept side by side again, curled into each other and made love like they were on a honeymoon, but sometimes talking was difficult. Their conversations were like minefields, filled with explosive subjects like 'Her Death, 'The Alliance' and 'Cerberus.'

Shepard's rules were working, and they kissed and comforted each other like the issues between them didn't exist. But she didn't know how long that would last…they had never been great at regs.

Well…

_She_ hadn't anyway. She'd never been much good at relationships either, until Kaidan.

Shepard stopped fussing with the armor and grabbed the collar of his undershirt, kissing him fully on the mouth. Everything was just a little bit easier with him here, her cabin not so large and lonely. His clothes were scattered through it, her bed sheets smelt like his aftershave, his razor was on her bathroom sink. Suddenly, the world made perfect sense for the first time since she had returned to life.

Eventually she pulled away, traced a hand across his cheek and said, "You were chomping at the bit to come with me to help Jacob and Zaeed. As soon as you can keep pace with the rest of us-"

"I'll be there. Chakwas says it'll only be a few more days until I'm fully healed. It feels weird not being there with you," Kaidan frowned and tucked a piece of messy hair behind her ear, "Zaeed was completely out of control on Zorya."

Shepard shook her head, displacing the piece of hair again, "And I brought him under control and broke his fucking jaw for good measure. Everything was fine. I know you don't like him, but this isn't the Alliance, like you said before." Shepard sighed when his frown only deepened, "They need handling differently and _I can do it_. Zaeed respects me in the only way he knows, crude comments and battlefield loyalty. I know what it's like dealing with-"

"A gang?" he cut in. "This isn't the Reds, Shepard. These people are more dangerous. I worry about you."

"Kaidan, danger is danger." She piled his discarded armor pieces into her arms and started stowing them in her armor closet for later as she said over her shoulder, "On the streets there is no difference in grades of it. You live or you die."

Kaidan started picking up some of their discarded clothes from last night from the bedroom floor, worrying his hands at one of her shirts. She walked over to him and gently took it from his hands as she said quietly, "You don't need to worry about me…but you do need armor, if you're gonna watch my back. Besides…you know, not everything made or done by Cerberus is evil."

She watched his eyes narrow as the words fell from his mouth, "Yes, it is."

Shepard reeled back, stung. The words shouldn't hurt, but they did. And they hurt all the more coming from him. Of all people, to think her somehow tainted after being…made by Cerberus. Rebuilt, destroyed and created again.

His eyes widened in contrition as he realized just how his words sounded, "I'm sorry…I uh, you know I didn't mean it like that."

"I know," Shepard sighed. She was being oversensitive. "Still hurts a bit though. I-I…I hated myself for a while there, this body." She looked down her body, observing the little changes. "I could barely stand to look in a mirror…"

"You're the same, Shep." He said gently and padded across to take her hand in his. She looked into his amber eyes and wished she could believe him.

"That's a kind lie," she smiled, "No; I know you felt it too. You've seen me naked. My skin is different. I've lost weight. I've put on weight on parts I never had before. My freckles are messed up. I want the old me back."

"You are the old you. I know it…" Kaidan drew up her hand and placed it on the left side of his chest, covered it with his own palm, right over the gentle thump of his heart, "in here."

Shepard closed her eyes, comforted a little, and leaned forward to press her head on his shoulder, his arms wrapping around her back.

"Do you think our lost time, our lost relationship, can ever be made up for?" she whispered but was interrupted before he could answer.

EDI had work for her. Their gentle morning was over.

"Shepard, the Illusive Man would like to speak to you in the briefing room."

* * *

"Information is my weapon, Shepard. You just do what I tell you and get the job done."

Shepard sighed internally. The Illusive Man had somehow intercepted a turian distress beacon; they had miraculously disabled a Collector ship. A neat little ball of hot anxiety settled into her stomach. God, she hated Collector ships…

She crossed her arms over the Cerberus jacket she wore, rustling the fabric, and narrowed her eyes at the older man, "You think this Collector ship will have information on how to get through the Omega 4 relay?"

"Yes." His eyes glowed with embers as he puffed his cigarette, "Once aboard, establish a connection with EDI, it will mine the data for information."

"_She_ will. Fine," Shepard nodded, not liking his plan. But if she was brutally honest with herself, she had no better ideas for gathering intel on the Relay.

She turned to step off the QEC pad but he called out to her and she paused.

"One more thing, Shepard." His cold eyes raked down her body, and she shivered. He seemed to look right through her, like he knew all her secrets and lies. He probably did, she thought ruefully. Kaidan said he had been spying. "I know you like to play ignorant but I know _who_ you have aboard the _Normandy_. I know what you're trying to do and it won't work."

Shepard's heart started to beat quicker, her lips drying as she said, "What?"

"Kaidan Alenko." The Illusive Man sneered, "He's on _my_ ship."

"_My_ ship."

"It's on loan to you." He waved a hand, unconcerned with her assertion of ownership and continued, "I did not approve him to come aboard."

"I wasn't aware I needed your approval." Shepard frowned angrily, "He's going to help us fight the Collectors."

"Are you sure about that?" He asked with a doubtful raise of his eyebrows, "Is that why he's really there? You and I both know he _is_ an Alliance man through and through. He won't betray them."

"I'm not asking him to," she protested. She wasn't really. He wasn't deserting his post. Anderson had let him join up with her.

_'But for how long?'_ A cruel little voice asked in the back of her mind. She firmly told it to shut up.

"When you were still comatose, we explored the possibility of adding him to the dossiers for recruitment." The Illusive Man paused for another puff and a small knowing grin, "We were aware of your previous…shall we say ties? But every single psych eval flagged him as unsuitable to work for Cerberus."

"He's not working for anyone." She felt like she could scream. Everyone had to get hung up on labels for what they were doing. Why couldn't it just be fighting the Collectors? Not this factional bickering. "He's helping _me_."

"Because you are in a sexual relationship," he answered flatly and picked up a glass of whiskey, swirling the ice around to clink in the silence.

Shepard was so sick of him and his burning star out of the window. Just when she thought he wasn't as bad as everyone accused him of being he would say something to get under her skin, something to remind her of the power he held over her.

She knew she was playing a confusing and dangerous game of loyalties, but didn't know how to read the rules or even who her allies were.

Except for Kaidan.

"No, no," she stammered. "T-that's not all. That's not the only reason he's here."

"He's a massive security risk just waiting to happen. He's compromised you in the past and he'll compromise you again."

"Compromised?" Shepard re-crossed her arms, not sure how to handle the turn of the conversation. She felt like she was scrabbling for some control, some leverage in front of him. "No, he hasn't-"

"Hasn't he?" he asked slyly. "He's only ever made you weaker, Shepard. And you need to be strong to fight the Collectors. I want him off _my_ ship and back with the Alliance, this mission cannot afford your distraction. Any distractions."

"That's not gonna happen." She said firmly, "He's staying here."

"Then you'd better turn him into a Cerberus agent or your mission will fail." The Illusive Man shrugged matter-of-factly. "You need the loyalty of your _whole _crew and I'm not confidant you have his."

"'Turn him'?"

"Use your charms, use your influence over him, use sex." He sipped his whiskey as Shepard listened with horror. "Use his feelings, whatever does it."

Shepard swore, suddenly furious with his gall, "You're out of line!"

The Illusive Man shrugged, "My apologies. I didn't mean to be so crude. But you can't deny that he needs to be focused on your mission. This isn't a pleasure cruise."

"He told me you've been spying on him: why?"

"He's an asset to the Alliance. We keep tabs on assets."

"For what purpose?" She shrugged her arms, unable to see beyond his maneuverings, "Why were you spying on us on shore leave, years ago?"

"An unfortunate side effect of our surveillance." He made a face that seemed sincerely regretful to Shepard, "We were going to approach you to join Cerberus; we wanted to evaluate your suitability. Both of you. You're both uniquely talented biotics, Cerberus has an interest in them. I apologize if you felt violated."

"Oh." She said, mollified slightly, "You can't spy on us."

"Cerberus has only ever done the best for humanity. We save lives. We do things when people don't have the courage. I won't be sorry for that."

"I do have a right to privacy," she protested.

"You're a soldier. Your duty is to serve humanity. Privacy goes out the window. You'll come to understand this. You want to protect people, no?" He asked and she nodded, "Then do your job and explore the Collector ship."

Shepard felt the implicit dismissal and turned to leave again. She didn't know what to say, he seemed to have wrested control of the conversation.

"And Shepard?" He called, "I want Alenko to renounce Alliance ties or get off the ship. This is not negotiable. I am a reasonable man and you would both be valuable agents to me. I will give you full privileges, carte blanche to run ops the way you want. Unlimited funding." She stopped again, shocked with his offer. "All you have to do is fully join our organization."

The Illusive Man stood from his chair, his eyes alive with star-fire and burning drive and ambition. Shepard stood awestruck at his charisma as he began, "I know we've had differences of opinion but you're a talented and resourceful woman. Cerberus has all the resources you'll ever need and incentives that you'll be very interested in." He began pacing and she couldn't help considering his offer. The Alliance wasn't easy…

"You must realize if you go back to the Alliance they will not allow you to serve with him and continue a sexual relationship. You'll be court martialed for standing up to the Collectors, for saving lives. Punished for your remarkable bravery." His eyes gleamed, and the ball in Shepard's stomach burnt hotter, "They'll rip you apart...especially if certain things come to light, like the fact you were fraternizing on the SR1. His career would be over and from what I know of the Staff Commander, he has precious little aside from that."

"Is that a threat?" she said through a tight, closed up throat.

"No. It's a friendly warning. I don't control my agents with an iron fist. You would have certain…freedoms in your job. I would promote you to my premier agent, my right hand woman. He could be your XO."

"I'll, uh…," she fumbled, confused. One minute he spoke to her like an old friend, the next a reluctant enemy. She didn't understand what he was doing. "I'll talk to Kaidan about it. This crew is…good."

"You'll soon see that you owe everything to Cerberus, Shepard."

She stepped off the pad to go put her armor on, feeling even worse and conflicted than she had speaking with Kaidan this morning.

How could she ask him to let go of the Alliance?

* * *

The Collector ship was massive, the _Normandy_ dwarfed. Shepard watched with Kaidan by her side in the cockpit. Her grip was tight on the leather seats and she had to painfully prise them off lest they cramp.

Beside her, Kaidan made a funny noise in the back of his throat. He wasn't coming with her this time, his leg still making him less swift then her regular squad. Garrus and Samara were coming instead.

"What?" she asked, glancing at him. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," he said roughly, "Yeah, I'm fine." Shepard thought he didn't look very fine at all, a thin sheen of sweat on his brow. "It's just…brings back bad memories," he continued, "I watched that ship jump away after it murdered you."

Shepard started, quickly looking out the windows as they flew closer. Her heart began pounding, a pulse in her ears suddenly deafening.

_Oh, but it hurt to die._

"It's…it's not the same one," she mumbled.

"It sure looks like it." Kaidan said, as his eyes fixed on the strangely organic looking ship. "I spent hundreds of hours poring over whatever data I could find out about it. So I could…"

Shepard looked at the set of his jaw, the burn of anger in his eyes and gently asked, "So you could what?"

"Give you some justice." His voice quiet, he turned from the window, his eyes locked on hers. "Give you some peace. So I could take a deep breath without it hurting. Just one."

"Kaidan…"

"Don't worry about it," he rasped, a strained smile forced on his face for her benefit.

In the pilot seat Joker snorted but said nothing. Shepard sighed. They still wouldn't speak to one another. At least, not civilly…

Just another problem she didn't know how to solve. And they used to be such good friends.

As Joker pulled closer to the ship, Kaidan followed her down to the shuttle bay, Garrus and Samara already gathered by the shuttle.

"Alright, guys. You ready?" she called, hardening herself for the mission ahead. She was not Kaidan's soft 'Shep' anymore. She was hard, she was rough, and she was Grunt's Battlemaster, Garrus' mentor and Samara's biotic warrior. She was violent and she was _damn well_ itching to kill some Collectors.

Her squad nodded and clambered into the shuttle, as Shepard turned to join them, she felt his hand gently grab her arm, holding her back.

"Be careful…" Kaidan pleaded gently, his eyes creased in worry. He tugged her a little closer, his mouth slanted down towards hers, and she was going to kiss him for luck, but out of the corner of her eye she saw Garrus in the shuttle.

Shepard turned her head at the last moment, Kaidan's lips landing on her cheek. He kissed her there and pulled back, confused.

"No." she whispered. "Not in front of Garrus."

Kaidan nodded once in understanding and Garrus called to her, "Let's go, Shepard. I've got your back, as _always_."

Shepard knew that was another dig at Kaidan and felt like tearing her hair out in frustration. Sometimes she felt like the Commander of a middle school, or perhaps a Mom of a bunch of badly behaved kids who suddenly brought a new boyfriend home.

Kaidan let go of her arm and she joined them in the shuttle. She didn't look away from his brown eyes until she slammed the shuttle door shut.

* * *

She was terrified. The Collector ship was eerily quiet, oozing honeycomb-like walls and dead colonist remains. Not just remains though, they were…soft, like they were half-decomposed and moldering.

Some of them wore phoenix armor and she thought of Ash. Poor dead Ash, she thought macabrely. Poor dead Ash she had left behind to die, selfish, selfish, selfish.

Her grip on her pistol was firm though and her hands did not shake. She was not going to show anyone that she was afraid of this stupid fucking ship.

It had taken her life, dogged her footsteps, but it would not take her dignity or the respect of her peers.

EDI found a data point as they made their way through the deserted ship. Shepard felt like vomiting at the dead Collector sprawled there and doubly so when EDI told her that the Collectors were once _Protheans._

She felt a tremor in her fingers, a tightness in her stomach, an ache in her bad arm and knew that this was what she feared above all else the Reapers could inflict: Corruption, the distorting and loss of self-possession, the utter destruction of control and all that you once were.

Husks were bad enough…but these things? They were monstrous. Shepard suddenly longed for Kaidan's steady presence. He never seemed to let things like this get to him.

EDI continued and Shepard pulled herself out of her fit of terror, burying the fear. She'd eat a bullet before anyone did this to her.

"There are also isolated fragments of your DNA in here, Shepard."

"Mine?" she croaked, shocked.

"Yes." EDI's voice echoed through her hardsuit comms and Shepard bent over the Collector console, looking but not really seeing it, "It is likely they developed an interest in you as the only person to defeat a Reaper. It appears they are working backwards, reverse engineering, and constructing a genome from an incomplete sample of your DNA."

Shepard frowned, "For what purpose?"

"Experiments; like the ones they have been performing on Collectors and other humans." Shepard's hands began shaking then and there was a tremor down her spine. How close had she been to waking up in a Collector lab, instead of Cerberus'?

EDI continued, "Likely to clone or determine which of your traits allowed you to defeat a Reaper and replicate them in a twisted form of life. It is also likely this is why they tried to obtain your corpse from the Shadow Broker."

She met Garrus' worried eyes through his helmet and paced a little as she asked, "Where would they get some of my incomplete DNA from?"

"It does not appear to be actual material samples; rather they are a partially transcribed genotype that they are reconstructing from artificially constructed nucleotides." Shepard's eyes began glazing and she wished EDI had a 'Shepard Speak' button.

"Ordinarily, if they had access to your corpse two years ago they would have harvested your ovum and used your genetic material with increased mutations, gradually, with the goal of removing chromosomes and making a docile creature with your strengths," EDI paused slightly and even Shepard thought she might be disgusted with the experiments, "but any free-will replaced with cybernetics as were the Prothean race. Data indicates they were making a husk-like creature but with biotic abilities, strategic planning and more intelligence."

"Oh god," Shepard muttered, terrified. _That_ she understood.

"It is possible, though unlikely, that the Shadow Broker took DNA samples from your corpse." Shepard had forgotten about that, how Liara had saved her, exactly _what _she'd saved her from. "Cerberus is not aware that you were tampered with however, Dr Liara T'Soni recovered you quickly. Alternatively..."

Shepard suddenly felt guilty for her anger on Illium at Liara. Who knew exactly what horror she had saved her from?

"EDI, I'm not a scientist. I'm stupid, ok," she said roughly, looking away from Garrus and Samara as her cheeks went pink. "I don't understand. Just bottom line this for me: what 'alternatively'?"

"There was a leak from one of Cerberus' projects concerning you."

"Great." Shepard bit off a curse. "How would Lazarus information leak? Which one, how many cells worked on me? I thought it was just the one."

"I do not know," EDI said, a note of uncertainly in her synthetic voice, "Indoctrination is possible. Or double agents for the Shadow Broker within the organization."

"Is there anything you can do?" she asked hopefully, deeply disquieted. "I don't want them having information about my body…or making evil Collector versions of me."

"I will delete it as best I am able. Though information may have already leaked to the Reapers."

"Just do your best." Shepard nodded gratefully; aware EDI couldn't see her but overwhelmed with affection for the AI, "Good. Let's move on to the central chamber." She motioned Garrus and Samara on, "This place is givin' me the heebie jeebies. Fuck."

She was glad Kaidan wasn't here really; it would have broken him to see the dead colonists, stuffed into the awful pods.

God knows, it hurt _her_.

* * *

Of course it was all a trap, she thought furiously as they tore through the ship, exits suddenly swarming with husks and scions and abominations. They had to fight fiercely to make it off the platforms as EDI downloaded the data they had come for.

She was fucking going to _murder_ the Illusive Man. He had sent them right into a trap on purpose!

Joker reported that the ships weapons were coming back online and Shepard's heart stopped. If they didn't get out in time…Joker would have to abandon them or the _Normandy_ would be destroyed again.

No. No. No, her mind screamed, visions of her crew, of _Kaidan_ meeting the same fate she had suffered two years ago.

Terror and disgust clawed their way up her throat but she dealt with it by swinging her arms wide, throwing husks and Collectors around like rag dolls, smashing their bent, skittery bodies into walls.

The thing called Harbinger was there, dogging her steps across the battlefield. Samara had to work with powerful biotics fields to keep him off of her. Shepard thrust a hand at him, a biotic smash throwing him away from her.

"Oh piss off and shut up!"

"YOU CANNOT HIDE HIM, SHEPARD. WE WILL TAKE WHAT IS OURS. YOUR BODY IS MINE."

"I'm not hiding anything!" she screamed, furious, and blew the head off a Collector with her pistol. "Tell your Reaper masters to go suck a dick!"

"WE ARE YOUR GENETIC DESTINY."

She and Samara stuck together, the asari a bizarre comfort for reasons she couldn't vocalize. Garrus stayed just behind them, sniping what they could not Throw aside as they ran through the halls.

EDI was the only reason they made it out alive, her quick hacking of the doors preventing them from being bottlenecked. The Praetorian they had encountered in a central chamber had thrown her into a wall with the force of his attack and for a moment she had seen stars and knew her face would be bruised. Samara leaked blood onto her pretty headband. She hoped Kaidan was not in the cockpit, she hoped he was ignorant of their peril. He worried too much.

"Shepard, let's move!" Garrus barked to her. She had been hunched by a wall, reloading her pistol.

Shepard growled, playfully, ignoring the jackhammer in her chest, the wail of husks. "I'm movin' Gar, why don't you quit being such a turian nag?"

"I'll quit when you stop dragging us into impossible situations," the turian smirked and Shepard barked a forced, half panicked laugh.

"Yeah! That's not gonna happen, buddy."

When they came to the exit, EDI's cool voice guiding them through, a wave of husks descended on them.

She and Samara nodded to each other, eyes full of understanding and in unison raised their arms. Things weren't so bad when Samara was at her side; she was such a calming and powerful influence.

A biotic bubbled exploded outward; their powers combined and Lifted the husks careening at them, to slam into the ground or walls.

"Eat it, zombies!" she crowed and barreled into the shuttle with Garrus and Samara, puffing and panting.

"Get us out of here Joker!" She ordered as she sprinted up to the bridge. She stopped short for a moment when she noticed Kaidan was there, his face white and tight in worry.

"Shepard!" he croaked but she waved him off, focusing on Joker.

"Make them work for it, Joker," she growled, clutching his seat.

Joker nodded, his face intense, lit by the flight controls. "They're not taking anything from me this time, Shepard."

The beam powered up. Flared into her retina. The stars twinkled coldly, air froze in her lungs, her muscles burned.

The beam was so yellow….

Shepard's head began spinning, the world slowing. She didn't think she was breathing anymore. She couldn't be spaced again, it was so wrong to have nothing beneath your feet, just a yawning void welcoming you into oblivion.

_It was so cold. _

She swayed on her feet for a moment alarmingly, sure she would fall to her knees in front of Joker and embarrass herself, but suddenly there was a hand in hers and his voice was quiet next to her, "You're ok. We're safe. I'm here now. You're ok."

EDI engaged the mass effect core, and they jumped away.

Safe from that beam.

Shepard removed his hand from hers and breathed deeply again. She had control.

She had to confront the Illusive Man.

* * *

Shepard thought she had never seen Kaidan so angry before. Not even when he got into a fight with Zaeed in the mess a week ago.

He stormed ahead of her into the briefing room, radiating fury and to her surprise the Illusive Man just took it, a small smug smile on his lips.

"You knew it was a trap. And you let them go in there anyway!" Kaidan yelled, his eyes burned dark amber, meeting the Illusive Man's disconcerting gaze head on. "This is not how you command!"

She had never heard Kaidan yell like that. She gaped a little, not recognizing the furious man so removed from her normal gentle partner.

"Kaidan!" she barked, suddenly scared that he would somehow piss the Illusive Man off. "Stand down."

"You should listen to her, son." The older man smiled, puffing a cigarette. "Emotions are a risky thing. You shouldn't mix business and pleasure."

Shepard hissed, "You lied to me."

"I did," he admitted freely. "But I knew you could handle it. Like I said, you're extraordinary."

"Shepard, don't listen to him." Kaidan turned to her, his eyes blazing. "He risked your life."

The Illusive Man stood calmly from his seat, unruffled, "The facts are with me, she stands here alive, as is the rest of the squad. And we have the information. We need an identify friend/foe device to get through the Omega 4 relay."

"This isn't acceptable-"

"Kaidan…please," she soothed, seeing the Illusive Man's logic, "I'll handle this."

The Cerberus CEO nodded, seemingly satisfied with her, "I'm glad you see the necessity of taking risks." His glowing eyes darted between their bodies, standing so close together, "In fact I think the both of you are no strangers to risky behavior." That smug smile was back on his face, and his eyes bored into Kaidan's almost mockingly, "Hard decisions will need to be made."

Shepard sighed. "He's right, Kaidan. We both have made hard decisions in the past. My life is less important than finding where they've taken the colonists."

"You are important."

Shepard looked back at him steadily and knew he would calm in moments, open himself to her logic. He usually listened to her in the end.

"Fine, Shepard." Kaidan bit out and turned to leave. He knew she wouldn't be swayed once her mind was made up. "But for the record, I don't trust him."

Shepard turned back to her boss once he was gone, her eyebrow raised expectantly.

"Good." The Illusive Man said, "You seem to be having a positive influence over him. He can remain on the ship for now. Now about that IFF…"

* * *

That night in her cabin, Kaidan was quiet, seemingly upset with the bruise on her face that smudged her cheek purple. He sat on the couch reviewing his datapad and she just knew he would have made lists or charts or analysis of the way the mission went down. He was a control freak with missions, with the details. She preferred just getting the job done and forgetting about it.

It grated on her nerves sometimes and she wished he would just relax.

Shepard sighed and prepared for sleeping, padding into their bathroom. There wasn't much she could do when he got all worried and picky like this. Instead, she mentally made lists for tomorrow's missions and ignored him.

"You know what you were saying before?" Shepard paused in brushing her teeth at Kaidan's voice. He looked tired and old, leaning against the bathroom doorway, but also gentle and kind. Like someone she would want to lie down with and sleep until the planets stopped spinning. "This morning?"

"What?" she said around a mouthful of toothpaste and spat it out in the sink. She saw a little bit of blood, most likely from the loose tooth she could feel and quickly washed it down the drain before Kaidan could see.

Stupid Praetorian. She couldn't afford to be losing teeth.

"How danger is danger, there are no grades of it and you're used to it?"

She wiped her mouth on a towel, frowning. He had that 'thinking' look on his face again. "Yeah?"

"It's stupid…" He sighed again and Shepard paced over to him, feeling comfortable and sleepy and glad not to be on that Collector ship anymore. "But I don't want that for you." His mouth kissed the bruise on her cheek gently and he mumbled, "I don't want you to live in fear."

"I'm a soldier," she said quietly, feeling his hands drift to her hips, bunching the soft cotton of his shirt she'd stolen for a nightie. "I'll do it if it means others won't." She placed a hand on his heart again, in a mirror of the morning. "You do too, every day of your life."

He huffed quietly again, his breath puffing a strand of her hair from her face and kissed her softly on the neck, right near her ear. She felt kisses trailed up her jaw, wending their way to her mouth. His warm, calloused hands crawled under her shirt, stroking the soft skin at her ribs, right under the gentle swell of her breasts.

"I made a choice a long time ago, Kaidan." She murmured to his lips, "The time I saw my own flesh and blood's corpse and knew why. There is no backing down for me." He kissed her again, this time his hands actually cupped a breast, stroking slowly and that achingly familiar heat ignited in her lower belly. "There is no way out," she panted a little, and she felt his own breathing increase, his lips back on her neck. "There is no one else to take care of my problems. The Alliance isn't listening and the Illusive Man is right."

"Shepard-"

It was like she'd thrown cold water over him, Kaidan removed his hands from under her shirt and she missed their warmth immediately. He was such a nice comfort.

"Not all the time, he's only human and makes mistakes," she soothed at his horrified expression. "But I'm starting to think I was blinded by hero worship in the Alliance. I think I trusted them too much….because they saved me from becoming something I didn't want to be."

"I can't accept that," he shook his head.

"I'm not asking you to," Shepard closed the distance between them, gently wrapping her arms around his neck, tickling the short hair there. "This is _me,_ LT. No one has all the answers…"

Kaidan sighed that long exhale of his, that sad confused one, the one she just wished she could make better. But she was just as lost, just as conflicted. He was her one constant, her one point of reference. All she had was their press of skin to warm skin, his calm and controlled way of looking at things. The way he tempered her fire and steel and brought out something tender and soft in her.

Sometimes, that was more than enough to get her through the day.

"We're gonna keep fighting," she promised and he gently placed his forehead to hers. "Come to bed with me, Kaidan. Please?"

"Yeah," he mumbled.

They curled around each other in bed. The lights had switched off; it was dark save for the glow of the _Normandy's_ red-shifted emissions in the starlight window above her bed. Kaidan lay on his side next to her, she had removed his clothes. It felt nice to be able to sleep properly again, a weight and warmth around her.

She hated that starlight.

"Shep?" he asked as he removed her shirt and kissed his way over a shoulder, down to the valley between her breasts.

She hummed in answer.

"Do you think about the SR1 a lot?" Her hands drifted to the back of his neck again and skimmed his amp port. A shiver raced through his body, and the bed was warm from their steadily heating skin.

"What we lost?" he whispered to her ribs, leaving kisses across each one that had been broken more than once.

When she was thirteen she hadn't been able to draw a proper breath without blinding pain for a month. She barely remembered that pain now, when he did things like that.

"S-sometimes," she answered, her breathing hitching at the movement of his tongue, the wetness left on her skin, his arousal against her thigh.

"We were happy."

Tears sprung to her eyes, unbidden, "The happiest."

"I'm trying…" he said as he rolled her on top of him. His fingers slipped between her legs.

"I know y-you are," she whimpered with his ministrations, kissed the skin over his heart, his skin burning warm and vibrant, then his mouth, and said no more but his name for the rest of the night.

His lips were a kindness, her antidote to fear.

The stars glittered coldly through her window; their bodies distant, base things, tangled together. There was no pity to be found there.

Shepard knew from experience that it was_ so_ hard and _so_ easy to love and be loved when you lived among the stars.


	22. Normandy Nights

After spending two days helping Tali with the Migrant Fleet's trumped up charges, Shepard was mentally exhausted. In addition to fumbling her way (with Tali, Samara and Miranda's help) through a trial and probably offending half the Admiralty Board by yelling at and shaming them, ultimately saving Tali from exile, she also squeezed into the SR2's busy schedule some more ship upgrades and Cerberus missions.

The Illusive Man, in a bid to show her what Cerberus was capable of providing, had paid her handsomely and she had used the money to buy Kaidan a new pistol, recolor his armor to a nice black so he would stop looking so disgusted at the Cerberus colors, and bought the crew new weapons. She also treated herself to some more ship models with a sly smile. She wished she hadn't broken the old ones in a fit of temper. Kaidan had been baffled when she burst into the cabin, her arms full of ships, but had wisely not teased her about it.

It was the sleep cycle on the ship, but early enough that she didn't feel tired yet, having fun fussing with the models, positioning them _just so_ on their racks. She hummed gently as she did so, some nameless tune that she thought Kaidan might have sung in the shower this morning, and she felt her mind unwind a little, happy and comfortable just playing with her ships and Kaidan snoring on the couch.

She had emails to get to, but she had decided to just take the night off and relax for once. Kaidan was tired from an earlier mission in the day, and working up to full strength on his now healed leg.

At a particularly loud snore, Shepard sighed. It was too early for him to be sleeping; he would wake in the night and wake her up. He was always so punctual with sleeping that she knew if he didn't get his usual amount tonight, he would be grumpy tomorrow. And a grumpy Kaidan made Shepard grumpy when he got all picky pain in the ass.

She placed her favorite model ship (the _Normandy_ naturally) back on the rack and padded down the short stairs to him, kneeling by the couch.

"LT, wake up."

Her only answer was another snore and a slight shift in his sleep. She couldn't help it when she reached out to run a hand through his hair; he looked so adorable sleeping there. There was a dark shadow on his jaw and his hair looked mussed from sleep, his bangs flattened onto his forehead. His boots were off, his long legs splayed across the couch and his loose t-shirt and pants rumpled.

"Kaidan..." She felt a rush of fierce affection in her chest and leaned forward and pressed her lips to his forehead, whispering, "What are you dreaming about?"

He seemed to hear her then, his eyes drifted open and blinked slowly, the corners creased in a gentle smile.

"Hey…" he mumbled. "I was dreaming about you."

She pecked him on the lips and he smiled wider, "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Not gonna tell me about it, huh?"

He smiled impishly, "Nope."

Shepard laughed quietly and he sat up on the couch rubbing a hand at his eyes.

She sat back on her heels beside the couch. "Anyway, I woke you because it's too early in the night and you'll hurt your back sleeping there. I'm gonna head down and do a few rounds with the crew, check-in, you know. See if they have any problems. But you should stay awake until I come back and we can sleep properly in bed."

Kaidan nodded, "Yeah, I will. Thanks for waking me."

He stood, held his palm out and pulled her up from the ground. As she took it and he yanked her up from the floor, he slipped a hand around her waist to kiss her properly.

"No problem," she murmured to his lips and gave his ass a playful squeeze.

She swallowed his indignant yelp with her warm, soft lips pressed to his.

* * *

"Hey, Kasumi."

Shepard breezed into Port Observation, and spotted the thief sitting cross-legged on her bed, a few books scattered around on the covers. She noted though, that she wasn't reading them, rather she had those funny glasses on that she used to look through Keiji's memories. Kasumi didn't even look up, or notice Shepard standing there.

"Kasumi?" she said again and this time she heard.

"Oh. Uh hi, Shep."

Shepard walked over to the bed, frowning. She seemed fairly engrossed. "What were you doing?"

"Just revisiting some old memories."

Shepard felt a pang of guilt, she hadn't even checked in with Kasumi much since Bekenstein and felt like that the thief might have thought now that Kaidan was on board and they were reconciled that Shepard didn't need their friendship anymore. Kasumi had been there for her in a dark time, and she didn't want her to think she had forgotten that.

"Oh." Shepard started to apologize, "I'm uh, sorry I haven't been around much lately. I've been busy with helping the crew and um-"

Kasumi raised an eyebrow underneath her hood, her lips curling in an amused smile, "Making up for lost time with Kaidan?"

"Yeah. I guess so."

Kasumi waved a hand, dismissing her apology, "After Hock's mansion and how it ended, I would be shocked if you hadn't. I more than understand. If I could have Keiji back we would never leave our room."

"Thanks," she nodded, relived that she and Kasumi were still friends. She was pretty fucking shitty at friendship all her life but she cherished the crews she had, old and new. "So…what memory were you watching?"

Kasumi smiled sadly. "The day I met Keiji."

She patted the bed cover and Shepard sat next to her, Kasumi obligingly scooting over. Shepard crossed her legs and idly toyed with a book as Kasumi started to tell her their love story.

"We met on a heist on Nivenrun. We'd been hired by separate contractors for the same job and raced against each other to get in and out of this beautiful mansion. Better than Hock's even," Kasumi added with a note of pride and Shepard couldn't help her eyebrows creeping up her forehead in surprise. Hock's place had seemed so alien to her in its opulence. As a street kid that had always been poor it was hard to imagine even better than that.

Kasumi seemed pleased that she had impressed her and continued, "It was made of priceless marble, so gleaming white in the sun it blinded. Keiji got to the loot first but I was quicker escaping. I tackled him down on the mansion grounds, his head smooshed into the strange purple grass that grows there, and when he rolled over to struggle, our eyes met and…."

Shepard smiled, amused at the diminutive Kasumi tackling someone to the ground. "And?"

"The whole galaxy looked different." Kasumi said simply and wistfully sighed. Shepard could empathize with that feeling. "We respected each other after that, hooked up as partners and got ten times more loot working together than separately."

There was silence as Shepard watched Kasumi's eyes behind her neural implant glasses.

Shepard asked something that had been on her mind since she first saw her use Keiji's greybox, "Are the memories as good as...as living it?"

"No," Kasumi said flatly. "They never are. They're pale imitations, but better than having to live the rest of my days gradually forgetting the color of his eyes or smiles. The time we spent."

"You wouldn't have forgotten," Shepard protested.

Kasumi shrugged. "Everyone does, eventually. You ask your Staff Commander sometime. He'll tell you."

Shepard didn't think she would ever ask Kaidan that. They didn't talk about those two years.

She cast around for something to say but came up empty. The cover of a book caught her eye, its corner digging into her thigh and she picked it up, glancing at the cover.

A cartoon of a little boy standing on a tiny planet on a background of stars met her eyes, and Shepard was struck by the childish but endearing artwork.

"Hey, what's this?" she asked, glad for a less painful topic and also driven by curiosity about the book.

Kasumi finally took off the glowing glasses and bit her lip guiltily, "Oh. If I tell you, promise me you won't be mad?"

Shepard turned the book over and noticed a rusty red satin on the back, "There's blood on the corner."

"Yeah, shame about that. It could probably be cleaned though, by one of those antique dealers."

"What-?"

"I stole it from Hock's library. I couldn't help myself." Shepard grinned at her kleptomania, perversely pleased. Hock had all those beautiful books he didn't deserve. She was glad he was dead and also proud of Kasumi from depriving more criminals of the pretty book.

The thief continued, "My grandmother used to read it to me as a child and this is an early edition. I think it was published in 1943, during World War II. This one is in French, though." Kasumi ran a finger down the cover, lost in thought or maybe more memories. "I love books, especially rare ones. But it's missing its dust jacket, drives the price down, not to mention the blood. If I hadn't discovered my love for shiny things and money I would have become a book dealer."

"Huh. I don't really like books much. Too fancy for me." She turned it over in her hands, and despite her words wished she could read it. It was stupid; she didn't really have the time anyway. "Did Hock get blood on it, do you think?"

Kasumi shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, um…that's actually Kaidan's, from when he was shot. I had it hooked onto my suit and well…there was a lot of blood."

Shepard shivered at the memory and tasted phantom _foie gras_ bubble up her throat. "Yeah, a lot."

"Sorry, I know it wasn't really the time to steal-"

"It's ok; I've stolen my fair share of things, a long time ago." Shepard dismissed the memories from their flight from Hock's pleasure palace and flipped through the yellowed pages, "It's a nice book."

"You can have it, if you want. I have other nicer editions I can get easily if I want. I mean…if you like it."

Shepard jerked her head up in surprise. Despite Kasumi's high standards, the book still had to be worth thousands of creds, judging by its age and relatively good condition. "Sure, if you don't mind. I'm not much of a reader…but I like this one."

Kasumi smiled and put an arm around her shoulders squeezing in a half hug. "Sure, Shep. If it makes you happy. You deserve a nice book. Reading is one of the best things in the galaxy and it's free."

Shepard's heart fell a little, and a little sting of inadequacy poked her in the chest. Even though an omni-tool would be able to easily translate it, the book didn't appear to use small words or easy to understand stuff, like she usually stuck to. Simply worded reports were the extent of her literacy skills.

Kasumi must have noticed the change on her face and squeezed her shoulder again. "I know you have a tough time with reading…but: "_One sees clearly only with the heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye._"

Shepard smiled uncertainty, puzzled by the romantic words. "What?"

"It's a line from the book." Kasumi smiled kindly, "And it's my roundabout way of telling you to get that big Alliance baboon of yours upstairs to read it to you, if you have trouble."

"I dunno…we're busy with things-"

Before she could continue, EDI interrupted her.

"Shepard, Jack is having an emotional, agitated reaction in her quarters. You may want to speak with her."

Shepard stood swiftly from the bed, tucking the book into her back pocket. "Sorry, Kasumi. Work's never done."

"No problem. See you later."

As Shepard left, she glanced back and noticed Kasumi shove her implant glasses back on, lying down onto the pillows. Books spilled onto the floor, knocked by her feet, but she didn't even notice.

Shepard worried for a moment that Kaidan was right after all. Maybe she should have destroyed the greybox or given it to the Alliance.

She thought about forgetting the color of Kaidan's eyes and shook her head violently, dismissing her worries. Kasumi was fine. She wouldn't steal her memories of purple grass and first meetings.

Down in the Jack's little den, the biotic paced like a caged, wild animal. She jumped from her little cot to table and Shepard stood warily back. She wouldn't put it past Jack to take a swing at her in this state.

"Jack, what's wrong? EDI says you're upset."

"Shepard! I've got ants crawling in my head." Jack clutched at the tattooed skin of her belly, raking her fingernails across it hard enough to draw blood and Shepard blanched, her heart going out to the troubled woman. "My skin, I wanna rip it off! I found some stuff, alright. In the files!"

Shepard took a deep breath. "Ok. Jack, ok. Just um, I'll deal with ok? I promised to help you and I will. We'll make your skin ok again."

"I found the facility where I was held. I wanna see it. I wanna fuck it up, Shepard."

* * *

As the _Normandy_ jumped through the relay to the Dakka system, Shepard pulled on her armor, gathering her hair in her hands so Kaidan's deft hands could fasten the back.

As Kaidan clasped it and she let her hair fall around her collar he asked, "So that woman down in engineering, she's a biotic? And what? Cerberus tortured her?"

Shepard turned around and started helping him with his own armor, pulling the chest piece over his head and pulling tightly to check the seals. "Miranda said it was a rogue cell. So I don't know. Maybe. She was just a child though, so I'm not sure how accurate her memories are."

Kaidan scowled darkly, "It sounds like Cerberus. A few months ago I was on an Alliance raid; we got a whiff of a project they were working on. They'd already bugged out by the time we arrived, of course, but judging by the equipment and evidence of baby bottles and toys, they were definitely working on children. Babies even."

Shepard shrugged uncomfortably. "Miranda says they do some med work. She says it's above board these days. You know, therapy on sick kids for benefactors that donate money to their cause. Treatments for biotics with brain cancer. They have to make their billions somehow. It's not necessarily sinister."

Kaidan frowned at her, "What is with you lately?"

"How do you mean?"

"You seem hell bent on defending them. Lawson may be your friend but that doesn't make her right, Shep." He reached a palm out to caress her cheek and stared intently into her eyes. "And I know the Illusive Man might sound convincing but you don't sound like yourself. You used to hate Cerberus. Don't let them take your fire, don't let them trick you."

She sighed, seeing his point but thought, a little annoyed, that he was being melodramatic. It was just so hard to maintain her blind anger at Cerberus when they seemed to have a reasonable explanation for everything, provided her with the equipment and means to take down the Collectors and was responsible for bringing her new fantastic crew together. They had given her ship back; they had given her _life_ back. She would be a skeleton lying on a snowy planet right now, if not for them.

Miranda had even given Kaidan back. She snatched him from the jaws of death while had Shepard flailed around in a blind panic.

She knew when she had first woken up, that she'd been very angry and illogical, unwilling to compromise and rude. Her blow up at Liara and the mess on Horizon where she had hit the one person who loved her and would never hit her back was enough proof of that, not to mention her self-inflicted biotic implant problem. Death was not an easy thing to bounce back from, and her only frame of reference, she thought blackly amused, was some two thousand year old saintly dead dude who she didn't believe in.

Shepard traced his frown line between his brows, smoothing it and then helped him fasten his gauntlets, fussing over his wrist seal.

"I'm sorry. I know," she sighed. "I'm just trying not to jump to conclusions. You know what I'm like when I get angry and lose control. I say and do shit I don't mean and fuck things up." A tiny smile hovered at Kaidan's lips, gently mocking her personality flaws. "I mean, even the Alliance has had black ops groups that went rogue."

The small smile was wiped and he said seriously, "It's different."

"I don't want to fight over this." Shepard said firmly and tugged on his chest piece one last time. "We're going to help Jack get some closure on whoever hurt her."

"She was just a baby." Kaidan followed her out of the cabin, muttering angrily, "That's disgusting, what they did."

* * *

Down in the shuttle bay, Jack was already waiting and clearly had been for some time. She grasped her shotgun so tightly Shepard could see her knuckles almost popping.

She glared at Kaidan behind her and Shepard realized they'd probably never even spoken to each other.

"Jack, I'm not sure you've been properly introduced. This is Staff Commander Kaidan-"

"Yeah, yeah I know who he is." Jack cut over her, eyeing her derisively. "Your Mr. Fuck Buddy, isn't he?"

Kaidan coughed behind her and Shepard groaned. She couldn't imagine two more different people and hoped he wouldn't be too offended. Jack rubbed her the wrong way sometimes, but she was mostly used to her sharp, foul tongue, now.

"Uh. No, actually." Kaidan corrected, "My name is Commander Alenko and I would prefer-"

"Sure, you'd prefer," Jack laugh, a high and bitter sound that reminded Shepard of the older girls who used to be in the Reds. They were so thin and strung out and tired of the hard lives they led that they weighed less than her at twelve years old. "But I prefer, Fuck Buddy."

Shepard injected a warning note into her voice, lifting her chin to glare at the thin woman. "Jack…"

"Fine, fine. You're too uptight, Shepard. Fucking girl scout." Kaidan made an angry noise behind her but Shepard ignored him. "Massani's right, you are a princess."

Shepard decided to just gloss over the insult and get down to business. "Is it ok if Miranda comes too? I think she might have information, or there may be some protocols that we could use her Cerberus knowledge on."

Jack hissed, "As long as she stays the hell outta my way. And if that bitch cheerleader so much as opens her mouth wrong…"

"She'll behave. I'll make sure of it."

* * *

Shepard thought that the Teltin facility had a strange abandoned beauty to it. That the jungle was reclaiming it seemed apt. She didn't get to see a lot of plant life in her line of work, and when she did like on Zorya, she tended to be being shot at or doing the shooting.

The rain pounded on her head, slicking her hair and running off her nose in rivets as she bent on the landing pad to study a flower poking through the concrete.

It was blood red, with little black swirls on the petal. Shepard traced a hand over it, strangely struck by its vicious beauty even as the rain tried to pound it into the concrete. The bloom reminded her a little of full red lips and dark brown eyes that were classically beautiful but hidden by narrowed eyes and twisted smirks. She could hear Kaidan and Miranda arguing over the shuttle's engine of all things as they disembarked and shook her head.

"It's disgusting, isn't it?" Jack spat coming to her side, the rain running down her almost naked body. She licked those red lips of hers uncomfortably, in a nervous gesture. "Nothing good should ever grow here. Nothing good ever came from it."

"This flower survived it." Shepard stood, hearing her knees crack slightly and turned to Jack as they waited for Kaidan and Miranda. "It struggled through the concrete and even though it might look like a weed, it's still beautiful for its struggle."

Jack scoffed. "That was the worst fucking pep talk I've ever heard, Girl Scout. You should stick to your day job. Which apparently consists of being a whiny bitch, sometimes shooting people and fucking that side of beef over there."

Shepard rolled a shoulder, aware Jack was just spoiling for a fight, water cascading down her back. "It wasn't meant to be a pep talk," she said calmly. "I was just stating my opinion on flowers."

"Yeah? Well, shut it. Save your fucking little flowers for Lover Boy over there. Let's move."

Shepard followed in the biotic's wake, hoping that the little respect they had built would be enough to stop her doing something she might regret. She walked into the dark bowels of a place made of needles, hack saws and pain and wished that she could be a better Commander to stop things like this from ever happening again. Blood was hard to wash out of concrete and even harder to wash from skin. The three of them all wore their own red tattoos, visible and not.


	23. Teltin

Kaidan moved through the Teltin facility as stealthily as possible. They had run across some mercs and Shepard had ordered him and Lawson to hang back, clearing rooms to make sure they were free of hostiles and let her and Jack take point in case they were ambushed.

He and the Cerberus Agent made their way through in stony silence, he could feel the glare directed at the back of his neck and turned to give her his most disapproving face. She rolled her eyes.

They came across another lab room, and Kaidan paused noticing child's cots shoved against a wall and even a neonatal life support crib fallen on the floor, its glass cracked. It seemed very wrong to him to see the jagged glass around something that a baby would have once lain in, expecting safely and comfort and a warm chest to sleep on and instead finding needles, drugs and pain.

He turned to Lawson, gesturing angrily at it. "You people make me want to be sick. Babies? What did you do, steal them from their mothers or make them an offer they couldn't refuse?"

She raised an arched brow and Kaidan thought she was either a sociopath or extremely hard to fluster.

"Neither, actually. We saved them from certain death."

"I'm sure," he said bitterly, kicking some glass on the floor. "That's what _you_ want to believe anyway."

"You really think you know best, don't you?" Lawson scoffed, "I've read your psych eval. You're so high and mighty, so stuck in your strict moral code, that you're inflexible and judgmental to a fault and pettily close-minded."

"_Close-minded_?" Kaidan gaped and couldn't help his voice rising in anger, "Because I don't think raising a child in a lab to be some kind of biotic warrior is in any way right or moral?"

Lawson shook her head. "This was an aberration. We're humane."

"This is not humane." Kaidan waved an arm, indicating the lab, the bloodstains still lingering, and the medical diagrams fastened on the walls. "And I don't think you know half as much about your organization as you think you do. What happened to Admiral Kahoku was _not_ humane."

"Rogue cell." Lawson dismissed, moving to leave the room now they had cleared it. "I'm sure the experiments on Subject Zero were made with the best intentions-"

Kaidan followed her out, griping his pistol so tightly it hurt. "You're got to be shitting me. Do you even hear what's coming out of your mouth?"

Lawson whispered now, following Shepard and Jack's footsteps, wary of mercs, "Better than an ignominious death on the streets which is where I'm sure she was heading. We tried to prepare them for life, prepare them to be strong."

"_Strong_?" he whispered furiously. "Cerberus damn near destroyed that young woman."

"That was not Cerberus sanctioned." She paused in the hallway, her eyes flickering over him appraisingly, he stood straighter and glared.

"Fine," Lawson huffed. "I'll try to explain this to you slowly and carefully so your tiny brain can try and grasp it. Shepard," she said flatly.

Kaidan narrowed his eyes. "What about her?"

Lawson stalked closer to him, backing him into a nearby room and folded her arms, "If we had gotten to her as a child, do you think her arm would still be weak from being broken repeatedly as a child? The healed fractures I discovered during Lazarus suggested heavy objects were used sometimes, most likely a lamp or a crowbar," she said bluntly and he swallowed, hating to hear about Shepard's childhood abuse. It made him sick to his stomach and he found it hard to reconcile the strong woman Shepard was now, to the small, frightened little girl she had been.

She didn't wait for his answer, barreling ahead, a sharp edge to her words, "I know what her bone looks like, healing from hairline fractures all over it. It's a map of cruelty. It took me months to try and restructure her ulna, and still for all my skills and bone weaves, it's not durable. By the time she's forty-five, she'll have painful, crippling arthritis in it."

Kaidan's mouth went dry, and there was burning acid in his stomach begging to rush up his throat. He felt a tiny tremor in his hand as he pictured her kind, pretty eyes and some woman smashing her across the face with a crowbar or shoving her to the ground.

"If Cerberus had got to her first, she would be a far more powerful biotic than she is." Lawson flared blue once, as if to demonstrate her point. "With proper training and focus, and the best teachers she would have been unstoppable."

Kaidan scrambled for a thread in the conversation, stopping her tirade. "You must be blind. Shepard's one of the strongest human biotics I've ever seen."

"_Please_, I've seen better. As strong as she is now, that's only from a secondary massive eezo exposure, Samara's powerful training and an advanced amp. It's decades of tech ahead of _yours _and still your power level is comparable."

Disconcertingly, Lawson sashayed over to him, her heels clacking on the ground. He swallowed again, watching her confused and wary. She reached around the back of his neck before he could stop her and scratched her long fingers over his amp port, almost...the way Shepard liked to when they made love. He slapped her hand away, disgusted, jerking back and she smirked. She pouted, large blue eyes twinkling in cruel mockery and dark seduction, pleased that she was able to get to him.

"Oh that's right, I forgot, you _like_ imperfection," she cooed and Kaidan knew she was trying to rattle him by playing femme fatale. He wished Shepard were here, able to see how Lawson acted behind her back.

"Tell me, do you have imperfect sex too?"

Kaidan took a step closer, pleased that he was taller than her and she had to look up to meet his eyes as he demanded, "Don't ever touch me again. What would Shepard say if she knew what you were _really_ like, deep down?"

"You have no idea who I am deep down." Her eyes glinted like cruel ice chips at him. "You see what you expect to see and you take the roles people play at face value, including Shepard. Maybe she's the one who sees people for what they are." Her eyes flicked up and down his body, "Although, I think she's mistaken in your case."

"I've had enough."

Kaidan stalked out of the room, roughly brushing by the brunette and continued down the hallway, wanting to catch up with Shepard and blow this place to bits.

Lawson wouldn't stop though, the whole way through the facility and even when they engaged a group of straggling mercs she kept up steady stream of justification for Cerberus' work.

"Imagine if Shepard could have had us from a young age, how strong she would be!" she called from cover as Kaidan threw a merc through a window. Lawson glowed as if to demonstrate the power Cerberus was capable of. "Her…_unfortunate_ teeth would be fixed, she would have been put through the best schools and she would not have been abused until she was bloody fourteen years old."

Lawson popped out from cover detonating a biotic blast from a Warp Kaidan had set up, killing the rest of the merc squad.

She panted a little, flicking her hair out of her eyes daintily and stood over a writhing merc, emptying a round of sub machine gun fire into his head to put him out of his misery. She said coolly over the echoing gun shots, "Did you know on the Gibson-Ventris standardized verbal IQ test the Alliance uses, that Shepard scores in the gifted category?"

Kaidan looked up from the grisly sight of the merc's remains and gaped, "What?"

Alliance soldiers sometimes had IQ tests, particularly when first entering the service to help assign class specializations, psych evals or for mission requirements. He had always been a little vainly proud of his score. Not that they really meant anything, he knew that what made a good soldier was a good heart, not a perfect brain.

But…_Shepard _was considered gifted? He never would have thought that, she was always putting down her own intelligence and had never shown any interest in pursuits of learning beyond biotic techniques.

"Yeah, her scores were ten points higher than your own." Lawson smiled and Kaidan couldn't help but note that there seemed to be a small amount of pride in the lift of her lips. "But when they tried to apply her to any advanced training that wasn't biotic moves or guns, she flunked out."

Kaidan was struck speechless, not even noticing the blood slowly creeping to his boots from the dead vorcha and krogan at his feet as Lawson continued, "She has a psychological block, a stunt from her childhood that won't fully leave her. _Ever_. She thinks she's stupid because all her early life she was told she was. She barely went to school, she's undisciplined. She doesn't have literacy or numeracy skills. And _you_ went along with her line that she was stupid. But you don't make it to _Commander_ by being dumb."

A sick rush of shame trickled over him. Why hadn't he ever realized that the glimpses of brilliance he saw from Shepard were hints of the cracking of a mask she'd constructed from the tattered remnants of her childhood? A defensive mechanism to hide herself from pain and expectations. She was always letting people underestimate her and he thought she'd even done it to him without ever realizing it.

Lawson pulled him out from his shocked reverie, holstering her weapon and led the way ahead. They were deep in the facility now; they had to be getting close to Jack and Shepard. "And you still think she wouldn't have been better off with Cerberus? We raise children to be exceptional. We give potential back. I can't fix Shepard now. But I can do better with the future. Jack, I'm sure, was meant to have a bright future, a shining purpose before this group went rogue."

"Shepard doesn't need fixing!" He growled, offended on her behalf. "She's perfect the way she is. You can't make choices like that for people. Jack should have been left alone."

"Ha," she laughed with no humor. "You won't see the writing on the wall. The Alliance has nothing for her anymore; she'd be stuck in mediocrity. Cerberus is all she needs. You don't even know how old she is, do you?"

Kaidan opened his mouth, to ask what kind of a stupid question was that. Of course he knew. But it was too late; they had caught up to Jack and Shepard.

"Hey," Shepard called.

"Hey, killed some mercs for you!" Lawson called back happily and Kaidan scowled. How could she change like that? Go from calling Shepard imperfect and then looking at her like a treasured friend? Cerberus' priorities were obviously twisted.

"We were just waiting for you two to catch up," Shepard said from her seat behind some crates, Jack crouched beside her. Kaidan slid to the floor, kneeling beside Shepard as she laid down the plan. "We've got a Blood Pack ahead, few rooms in. I reckon, our four man team hits them hard and fast and we don't even bother to buy them dinner before we fuck them over."

Kaidan forgot where they were for a second, for a heartbeat forgetting that it wasn't just Garrus, him and Shepard on another raid, joking and laughing. "No dinner?" he laughed. "Wow, Shepard. You're one of those girls my Ma warned me about."

Lawson made a gagging noise in her throat behind him, but Shepard actually threw her a dirty look to shut her up.

She cocked her pistol and smiled brilliantly at him, that truly happy one he lived for. Very quickly before Jack or Lawson could notice, she patted his cheek and teased, "LT, I'm definitely one of those girls your Ma warned you about. I'll show you later." She winked and Kaidan gulped, silently congratulating himself on his lucky verbal slip.

She stood and Jack pumped her shotgun, Lawson flared and Kaidan stepped up to Shepard's right side.

She growled, "Now let's kill some vorcha, ladies and gent."

* * *

Shepard made some kind of spine-twisting maneuver in midair, aided by a Lift thrown by Jack, her mass lowered so she fell gracefully, then increased suddenly so she fell directly on a vocha's head, smashing him into the ground. He gurgled, "Raghh, woman no fly. We pain now…" and lay still.

Shepard barely spared him a glance flying across the room to punch a krogan in the face with a biotic-wreathed fist and having to dart back behind a crate when he opened frantic fire on her. She responded by thrusting her hand out from the side of the crate, one of her Singularities picking him up. He found it beautiful like watching some dark and far bloodier version of _Swan Lake_. She was so beautiful to him, even with all her crooked edges and imperfections. She fought like she made love, graceful, yet unyielding and sometimes rough, full of passion and fire.

Kaidan muttered under his breath as he threw up a Barrier over Lawson who was being overwhelmed by more vorcha, "Jesus, Shepard. Take it easy."

"Don't bother trying to tell her to slow down." Lawson said, nodding at his Barrier work in reluctant approval. "It won't work, she's crazy."

He smiled as he watched her team up with Jack, shockwaves chasing each other around the room. "Yeah she is."

Miranda laughed. "In the best way, of course."

"One of a kind."

There was a pause between them as they realized exactly who they were speaking to respectively and their mutual loathing.

Kaidan looked at her from the corner of his eye and saw her sour glare. He met it with one of his own and said, "I'm going to pretend we didn't just agree if you do."

"Done," she said firmly and reached out to shake his hand sarcastically. "Let us never speak of this again."

Shepard skidded into cover beside them, Kaidan lifting the Barrier momentarily to let her in, and caught herself from skidding too far on the slippery metal by clutching his chest piece and righting herself. She was grinning in amusement at Lawson's little handshake but said nothing about it. He fumbled with his 'tool and swiped some medi-gel on the small abrasion she'd acquired on her jaw.

"LT!" she exclaimed, breathless and excited. "Friendly competition?"

Kaidan laughed, "Shoot, Commander!"

"One who causes the most biotic explosions wins, alright?"

She mimed throwing a Warp at the few vorcha left, Jack's shockwaves chasing them from cover.

"Done!" he agreed, happy to play one of their old games, and glad to have a _reason_ to be silly again.

His happiness made him bold, even in front of Lawson and he teased, "You're so going down…_sweetheart._"

Shepard laughed clearly and high like a pretty, dangerous songbird and threw herself back through his Barrier, "Oh, you'll pay for that one, Alenko!"

Kaidan grinned. He loved teasing her, he was never any good at it like she was but sometimes he could get her with a good jab that she'd spend weeks trying to think of a good revenge for. Shepard had a special hatred for pet names, her annoyance at Zaeed's 'Princess' obvious. But strangely, Kaidan thought, he was the only one to ever get away with it aside from Kaidan and Anderson sometimes.

Well…mostly, he thought ruefully. After all she did break Zaeed's jaw in two places that required Chakwas' and Mordin's skills to fix.

"I look forward to paying that price, Shepard!" he called and threw himself after her, throwing a Warp at her new Singularity.

Jack was apparently sick of their shit though and screamed, "Will you two shut the fuck up, so we don't all barf?!"

The fight didn't take very long at all in the end, and naturally Shepard won. Their light-hearted battle flirting was broken though, as they arrived at Jack's cell and saw what awaited them there.

* * *

Jack held the gun on the obviously mentally damaged ex-subject. The group collectively held their breath, packed into Jack's tiny cell from hell. One of the kids experimented on, to make sure Jack's treatments worked, had cracked and decided to hire the mercs to try and restart the Teltin facility, trying to claw some meaning for what he suffered.

Kaidan watched alarmed as Shepard frantically tried to calm Jack down, stop her from pulling the trigger, without much success.

He saw Jack's grip tighten on the pistol and Lawson turn as if to shield her face from a splash of grey matter and Kaidan couldn't help the words spilling from his mouth.

"You don't really want to do that," he said in a rush but gentle and quiet like he was speaking to small child or sick animal.

Everyone but Jack and Aresh, the disturbed ex-subject, looked at him in surprise.

Jack eyes didn't waver from Aresh's head as she spat, "Yeah and how would you know? You look like a whining pussy."

Kaidan jerked his head at Aresh, "Look at him. He's not strong like you."

"And who the fuck are you to tell me what I am?"

"I'm the one who murdered the person who hurt me as a kid."

A heavy silence rushed into the room, the atmosphere ringing with the weight of his words. He heard Shepard's sharp intake of breath from where she stood just behind him.

"Kaidan…"

"It's ok, Shepard." He waved her off and met the tattooed woman's now interested eyes. "I killed him, Jack. I didn't mean to but it was still me in the end who snapped his neck."

"…Snapped?"

He shrugged self-consciously, "I raised my hand, stood in front of the girl he was about to stab and biotically threw him across the room." Kaidan's mouth went dry, the memories rushing through his head, a vivid vid behind his eyes. "His legs went limp; I still remember how they lolled there like useless things, the spurs all bent. He pissed himself and I can still smell it, kind of like sour iron. If they had saved him he would probably have been paralyzed."

Jack lowered the gun minutely and Shepard's breath was heavy in the silent room, upset for him. Lawson stayed silent, a white, lovely, unfeeling statue.

He gathered his courage, thinking of what Shepard would do to save her friend from doing something she would regret and continued, "They had rounded us biotics up and sent us to Brain Camp for training. But this Instructor, he decided to beat it into us. These scars on my lips?" he motioned, with old shame in his stomach, to his mouth. "He cut me, said I should stop smirking at him. But others got it worse, kids died. Sometimes they hurt themselves. And one day he hurt someone I loved…so I _killed_ him."

Jack's eyes were wide, confused at him baring something so private, in front of near strangers. Shepard was shaking; he could feel she'd taken a step towards him, her arm just brushing his back in silent support.

"And it was _so_ easy," he breathed roughly and worked his throat past a lump.

"I've regretted it every moment of my life since. It wasn't until I met someone who helped me see that I wasn't…some kind of monster that I was able to move past it."

Shepard made a tiny sound in her throat, half happy and half sad encouragement.

"You don't want to kill him. He's just as hurt, but he couldn't be strong like you." Kaidan looked at Aresh's small sunken figure and Jack followed his gaze, perhaps finally seeing him as Kaidan did. Someone to be pitied rather than murdered just because she could.

"Do you really want more blood spilled here?"

There was a long pause and he could see her hand shake on the grip, her eyes clouded and he thought for a moment he could see the scared little girl she had been. The scared little girl Shepard had been, even, and how they could grow up so wildly different.

"No," Jack finally said. "Shepard, take it…." She held the gun butt first to Shepard and she brushed by Kaidan, touching his glove for a moment in thanks as she took possession of the gun.

"….before I change my mind," Jack sighed and walked over to her old bed, brushing the linen still moldering on it.

The past was over… and maybe for more than one person in that cell.

* * *

Kaidan watched on the shuttle ride back to the _Normandy_ as Shepard spoke quietly to Jack, her voice lilting in a soft tone. He couldn't make out the words, just the cadence and he leaned his head back on the head rest, breathing deeply, comforted by the sound of her voice. She had a small hand on the erratic biotic's shoulder, but kept her distance. He thought that tears might have shimmered in Jack's eyes, glinting in the light but she didn't let them fall.

"So, not even curious about Shepard's age?"

A prissy voice cut into his small peace and he sighed, suddenly exhausted and wanting nothing more than to take Shepard to bed, curl around her and stroke her bare skin.

"I _know_ how old she is." He answered Lawson's question with a weary frown, quiet so he didn't interrupt her talk with Jack. "She turned twenty nine on the SR1 two years ago; we had chocolate cake and lemonade as a treat for her. I remember it perfectly; her birthday is April 11, 2154. She's thirty one."

"Ha!" Lawson snickered. "Isn't that a neat little date? Very historical for space exploration, you know. Funny that's her enlistment date too. She never told you."

"What are you saying?"

He was so tired. He just wanted her to stop being so snide, stop trying to wedge herself between him and Shepard.

"I'm saying you're an idiot who claims to love her without having a clue about her. I know her," Lawson insisted and Kaidan thought that if she really did know Shepard as well as she thought she did, she wouldn't have to keep telling him, as if it was some competition.

"You have numbers and charts. I'm not doing this with you, Ms. Lawson. Cerberus is wrong. Jack should not have been brutally tortured."

"Jack is exceptional. They only wanted to develop biotics. They did it wrong, granted. But Cerberus helps other biotics, too. They're the future of humanity."

Kaidan flared and allowed the fire to center on his fist, holding it out to her. "This is a mutation. Nothing more. It is not a genetic destiny, it is not evolution."

Lawson rolled her eyes, obviously disagreeing.

"Mutation allows the strongest to survive." She leaned forward, forcing him back lest she invade his person space again. "_You_ survived and even flourished as a fetus after one of the worst eezo exposures accident in human history, in Singapore. I pulled your med files months ago," she stated as if it was as simple and normal as buying a news datapad. Kaidan seethed internally at the invasion of privacy, of his _mother's_ privacy, the casual reading of her pregnancy records. "I've only ever seen, personally, one case worse than yours and that was an entire drive core explosion."

He said nothing, hoping she would run out of steam.

"The asari won't lord their talents over humanity much more," Lawson avowed with a fanatical gleam in her eyes. "You should know Commander; by all accounts your biotics are as strong as an asari commando."

Kaidan sat forward, forcing her to retreat from his space and countered, "Some days in payment for that '_strength_', I can barely move with the crippling pain in my head. I wouldn't wish biotics on anyone."

"You don't get to choose," Lawson shook her head almost in pity. "Like it or not, _you are_ a part of the future of humanity. Your superior genes, like mine, Jack's and Shepard's mean the difference between brain cancer, mediocrity and the ability to control mass effect fields. You tell me what you would prefer."

He gestured angrily to Jack and Shepard and seethed, "A normal life. A proper childhood. I don't buy into your human supremacy spiel. Don't even try it, Ms. Lawson. You can scramble all you like, but you can't justify to me what your organization did to Jack. Don't even try to whisper in Shepard's ear and do the same."

Lawson sat back in her seat and to his gratification, finally shut her mouth.

* * *

Shepard found Kaidan later that night hunched over the cabin's table, sitting on the couch. He had a frown on his face and she knew he was upset by Pragia and the extent of Jack's torture. His omni-tool was out, probably in an attempt at distraction and he had his tweaking tools laid out before it. She shook her head and threw the book at his chest, knowing she should get his mind off things. And if she was honest, she wanted things off her mind too. Like Jack's pretty brown eyes, swimming with very overdue tears.

He fumbled and caught it and looked at her with a raised eyebrow, "What's this?"

Shepard rolled her eyes, "It's a book, silly."

"I know that," he laughed and thumbed through the pages. "It's in French. And it's a children's book."

"So," she shrugged. "You know French, don't you?"

When they were together two years ago, he had sometimes whispered words in the warm, intimate nights to her, and she would giggle at him, not understanding but charmed all the same. They were crude and roughly accented, but she thought he might have picked up a bit of the language growing up.

"No, I told you I only know a couple of words. My Japanese is better than my French. And it's not very good at all."

"Oh," she said, disappointed. "Well, what did you used to say, 'tu ma ma..something something'?"

Kaidan fussed with his tools, packing them up neatly on the table and mumbled, "It was stupid."

"No, it wasn't!" she exclaimed and threw herself on the couch beside him with a _oomph_, stopping him from getting up and leaving. "I liked it. Come on, tell me again."

He looked into her bright eager eyes and took a deep breath, "Fine, it was: _tu es ma lune et mes étoiles_."

Shepard smiled, a warm happy light blooming in her chest. She loved it when he said that to her. "You ever gonna tell me what it means?"

He smiled crookedly, and with the same smug air he had used when she asked him about his dream a sleep cycle ago said, "Nope."

Shepard punched him in the arm and he retaliated by sneaking his cool hands under her shirt drawing shrieks of laughter from her mouth.

"Shh! It sounds like I'm murdering you," he gasped through his own raspy laughter. Her heart lifted that he was now smiling, that she had managed to pull him out of the dark mood he had fallen into.

On Pragia he had done a great, noble thing for Jack. He had given her a tiny, painful part of himself just to help her and Shepard had fallen in love with him all over again in those moments in that awful cell.

She adored him, every part and she couldn't stand to see him unhappy. Shepard worried, even as he tickled her, his nice white teeth gleaming in a boyish grin. She worried and picked and lay awake beside him sometimes, that in a secret dark part of her heart that _she_ was making him unhappy by staying with Cerberus but was too selfish to let him go.

"Shepard, do you require assistance?" As if summoned by Kaidan's words EDI cut into their mock scuffle and the worried twist of Shepard's thoughts. "Are you in physical pain?"

"No, EDI!" she gasped, smacking Kaidan's hands away. "I'm fine, ha! We're just playing. I want you to shut your sensors down in my room for tonight. We're ok."

"Very well. Good night, Commander Shepard, Staff Commander Alenko."

"Night EDI," they chorused and Shepard couldn't help smiling at him. He was even making an effort with EDI. Maybe it would all work out after all and she was worrying for nothing.

She picked up the book again, toying with the cover's edges. "Anyway, Kasumi stole this book off Hock. It's an early edition, apparently. I think it's beautiful and I want you to read it to me."

He raised his eyebrows, craning his neck to look at the writing in it, "But like I said, it's in French..."

She raised her arm and manifested her 'tool, "And I have a translator program on my omni-tool, it can tell us what the words mean."

"Why don't you read it yourself then?"

Shepard's cheeks heated, "Because...it would take me five million years to do that. I can barely read English normally let alone work off an omni-tool translation," she said in a rush. "Please? I know it's stupid, but I've uh, never really read a book with anyone. I mean, I tried when I was a kid...but it never worked out that well."

His expression darkened for a moment for reasons she couldn't place, and then softened, that affectionate warmth coming into his eyes. "Of course, Shep."

"Yes!" she laughed in pleasure and snuggled next to him, grabbing the blanket from the end of the couch and draping it over them. He adjusted himself so she was half lying on his chest, watching his face as he took the book and lay back.

Shepard reached up to peck his cheek and say sternly, "And I want you to put your good reading voice on, you know, make voices for the characters."

"Any other orders, ma'am?" he said with mock seriousness. He lifted his other arm so he could read the translation on his 'tool if he got stuck.

"Nope, that's it," she chirped happily. "Besides, I love it when you speak another language. You could tell me you're gonna go slather yourself in butter and squeeze through an escape tube and you would still turn me on."

"Ha!" his laugh made her whole body shake and she grinned as he continued, "Is that so? Damn, if I had known that..."

"What?"

"I would have learnt more French and you wouldn't have left your cabin..." His eyes burned with fiery desire. She shivered as he did that smolder thing he was so good at, making her wiggle and run her leg up his.

"..._Ever_."

"You tease, Mr. Alenko," she said huskily, the way he liked it.

He leant down for a long moment to kiss her, and then shook himself, turning his attention back to the book reluctantly.

"Um, I'm gonna butcher this but here we go, 'Le Petit Prince' or um, 'The Little Prince': _Once when I was six years old I saw a magnificent picture in a book_-"

"Skip ahead!" she demanded.

He laughed, bemused, "But we just started."

"Well, you know, I like the exciting parts."

"You're worse than a child," Kaidan scoffed but obligingly flipped several chapters into the book.

"I am not," she said, poking her tongue out. Her stomach was doing flip-flops again and she marveled that he could still make her feel like that, every day. She had thought two years ago that the feelings would fade gradually, once the novelty of 'them' had worn off, and once the forbidden quality of their relationship became less exciting.

Seemed to her, more and more lately, that she was wrong about a lot of things two years ago. Maybe even Cerberus.

"Are to," he insisted, with those little crinkles around his eyes that she loved.

"Not."

He put his hand over her mouth playfully shushing her and continued, "Ok ok, here we are:

_On the fifth day-again, as always, it was thanks to the sheep-the secret of the little prince's life was revealed to me. Abruptly, without anything to lead up to it, and as if the question had been born of long and silent meditation on his problem, he demanded:_

_'A sheep-if it eats little bushes, does it eat flowers, too?'"_

Kaidan put a funny voice on for the character, winking at her and Shepard grinned in glee but as she listened to his words, it faded and his voice became quieter and more serious.

_'If someone loves a flower, of which just one single blossom grows in all the millions and millions of stars, it is enough to make him happy just to look at the stars. He can say to himself, 'Somewhere, my flower is there . . .' But if the sheep eats the flower, in one moment all his stars will be darkened . . ._

_And you think that is not important!'_

_He could not say anything more. His words were choked by sobbing."_

"That's...that's really weird and sad." Shepard sat up a little, surprised at the melancholia of the book. "You're sure this is a kid's book?"

"Yeah," he answered quietly. "An old one though."

"What an awful sheep to eat the flower."

He didn't answer her attempt to lighten the suddenly heavy atmosphere. His lips didn't even quirk. Shepard saw his eyes were dark and serious and knew he was thinking of the time, two years ago, when all his stars were snuffed out.

"Hey, I'm a Shepard after all," she shook his shoulder a little, smiling to try and get him to smile.

"Sheep don't bother me, you know. I trick them, one minute they think I'm some cute non-dangerous lamb, and they're gonna harvest all organic life, then BAM!" she yelled. "Sheep are biotically exploded all over the place and there's blood and guts and it's really pretty awful for those flower-eating sheep," she finished smirking and held her palm up, a little whirl of dark energy swirling in it.

"You're right," he sighed and covered her palm with his to snuff out the biotic light. "You aren't a lamb."

"I'm not a delicate flower either. I'm always alright."

"Yeah." He glanced away, and she didn't like the anxiety in his eyes. "Look Shepard, there's something I've been meaning to ask. Lawson said something…"

"Miranda? What?"

"How old are you?" He stammered a little and Shepard sighed internally, cursing Miranda for being nosy and getting to him, "I-I mean, really?"

"Oh. She knew Anderson and I made up that lie, huh?" Shepard said with reluctant admiration in her voice, "Geez she would have had to dig back so far for that."

"So it's true," he said. "You're not thirty-one?"

Kaidan seemed disappointed or maybe disquieted by the fact that she was younger than she pretended. Shepard didn't know what the big deal was; she barely remembered her real birthday anyway.

"No. It doesn't matter though, my real age."

He sat up a little in surprise, jostling her. "How can it not matter? It matters to me. I want to know the real you."

"You _do_ know the real me." She soothed and pressed him back down into the couch. "It became the real me over the years, ok? I barely remember my real birthday. Let's just stick with April?"

"If you want," he sighed and they curled back down. They said nothing for long moments, his hands sneaking under the back of her shirt to count vertebra in her spine, tracing up and down. Shepard felt her eyes start to drift shut as his breathing evened out, his heart thrummed at her ear. A nice steady rush welcomed her home and she thought it sounded a little like love. She drifted into dreams.

A glow on his 'tool woke her up what seemed an hour later and she noted with some surprise he was reading her book again.

She mumbled around a yawn, stretching against him. "You're gonna keep reading that?"

"I um, I like it."

Shepard got up, accidentally kneeing him in the stomach in the process and padded to bed.

"You coming?" she asked.

"In a minute," he mumbled.

She nodded, but his eyes were back on his omni-tool translation, flicking back and forth between the book.

"Thanks for reading to me, Kaidan."

He replied by getting up and switching the lights off, leaving the book on the couch and crawled into bed with her. He pressed a chaste kiss to her temple, a hand twined into her hair. Shepard closed her eyes and buried her head into the crook of his neck, smelling his aftershave and allowed her eyes to drift shut again. But it wasn't the same; his heart was more distant in the bed, her ear not pressed against it. She thought that she dreamt of the tortured screams of children, locked in labs like the ones on Pragia and in the morning found dried tears on her face.


	24. Dark Desires

_Content warning for sexual assault and attempted rape._

* * *

Kaidan had that furrowed brow thing happening and Shepard sighed as he said, "This is dangerous, Shepard. I don't like it."

"Noted," she responded, shutting the bathroom door. "You don't have to like it. But you can't ask me to look Nef's poor mother in the eye and tell her I let her daughter's murderer get away."

Samara, Kaidan and Shepard had boarded Omega earlier in the day, in the search for Morinth.

Aria had led them to Nef's murder case. Kaidan had placed a hand on Nef's mother's shoulder as she had shook with sobs, and Shepard had vowed to find her killer. Samara had appeared unruffled by the emotional display but Shepard could see the sadness and guilt in her eyes. A search of the dead woman's apartment had revealed Morinth frequented the VIP section of Afterlife and Samara had suggested Shepard go undercover as bait.

Shepard had nodded, steeling herself. She could do this. A quick trip to the seedy clothing store she had found in the markets and she was ready. But once Kaidan had seen the clothes she intended to wear, she could almost see the little grey hairs pop up in his hair. He hadn't stopped the steady stream of fretting the whole time she dressed in the cabin bathroom and she had shut the door to try and ignore those worried brown eyes.

She appraised herself objectively in the mirror, trying to figure out if she looked appropriately 'edgy' enough. She left her makeup fairly natural, just lip gloss and eyeliner, her eyelashes dark and long enough to get away with no mascara.

She had dressed in a way she thought might be appealing to Morinth, a pair of skintight leather pants she had poured herself into emphasizing the generous curve of her hips and a blood red, off-the-shoulder shimmery top that she knew would reflect club lights in a crimson whirl. It even sparkled under her bathroom's harsh lighting. To her relief, clubbing at Afterlife wasn't like a party at Hock's mansion and she was able to wear combat boots with her pants. It was a pity Morinth probably wouldn't allow her to be armed though. No, she thought frowning at her reflection; Morinth was far too clever a predator for that.

"Shep…look, I'm not speaking as your partner here." Kaidan called through the door, "I'm speaking as a Staff Commander. If this was an official Alliance op I would be making a formal protest. This is not safe. There should be other ways. She's a murderer with mind control. You won't be armed."

"I'm always armed," she called back, clenching a fist and allowing dark energy to roll over it. "And good thing this is not an _Alliance_ op then, hmm?"

"You won't reconsider?"

Shepard stared at her own pale face in the mirror, the tired dark smudges under her eyes. "No."

She picked up some blood red lipstick and smoothed it over her lips. She needed to look bright and alluring, not tired and worried. Morinth wanted excitement and Shepard had that in spades, at least. She just had to look the part.

She left her hair a wavy mess as usual, but unlike usual she didn't tuck the strands behind her ears but let them fall to the side of her face. She ran some water onto her hands and then smoothed it on her hair, knowing when it dried in the artificial Omega air that it would curl appealingly.

The lipstick emphasized the red of her top brilliantly and she threw open the bathroom door, finally satisfied.

"Well, what do you think?"

Kaidan was leaning against her desk by the model ships, toying with the _Normandy_ model and his face caught between worry and frustration. He had dressed in a plain navy-blue sweater and jeans that she had thought to pick up for him when she was buying her own clothes. It was surprisingly fun trying to guess what clothes would suit him and she was stupidly proud of herself for picking exactly the right size. She was excellent at little details like that and she was pleased she knew him so well.

At her words his head jerked up and for a moment she saw his eyes widen.

Slowly he looked her from head to toe and then licked his lips, searching for words. Shepard's stomach did little excited flip-flops, childishly glad that he liked what she was wearing.

"You, uh…you look amazing as always, Shepard. I like the red."

She crossed over to him, her hips swaying and she was pleased that he wasn't pissed enough at her to resist placing his hands at her waist, stroking the soft leather and accepting the long kiss she placed on his mouth, staining him with her lipstick.

His hand moved to cup her ass, grinding her hips against his and she groaned, wishing they had the time to get some real enjoyment out of the outfit. She smirked when she was done and grabbed a tissue to wipe the red from his lips and chin.

Kaidan breathed deeply and said, "Don't try and distract me, Shepard. I'm coming with you and Samara to watch your back, make sure she doesn't get to you."

"Alright, that's fine. I never said you couldn't," she acquiesced and he started to pull on a plain leather jacket, made for blending in with the other unremarkable humans patronizing Afterlife.

* * *

Outside the club Samara told her how to dazzle Morinth, which Shepard thought sounded more like trying to attract a vain teenager than a few hundred year old asari.

Inwardly she scoffed, how much of a killer could she be? Morinth was obviously not as terribly intelligent or mature as she had thought she was.

Beside Samara, Kaidan bounced on the balls of his feet a little, worried and jumpy. Patrons streaming into the club barely gave them a second glance, aside from Samara they looked like any other young couple on a night out.

"Now remember, Shepard. We will not be with you at all times but following. You are to get her alone, but do not compromise yourself. I have lost too many-" Samara clicked her jaw shut, her eyes darting away from Shepard's for a moment and then when she had gathered herself, turned back, serenity back on her face.

"I mean rather…that your life is more valuable than catching her." Samara continued, "I would prefer that she not harm you. Do not let her touch you."

Kaidan raised his 'tool, and made her own flare to life around her arm. There was a beep and Shepard glanced down at it in interest.

"Once you are alone, and her guard is down, press the comm on your omni-tool, it is keyed into Kaidan's and we will be there in minutes. If her eyes turn black you must run, scream for us or attempt to kill her."

"Thanks, Samara. But I'll be fine, you two need to stop worrying."

Kaidan looked darkly at Samara and then stepped closer to her, taking one of her hands in his. "Shepard, she isn't some crappy little L3 merc with subpar biotics." He placed a hand on the back of her neck, smoothing her hair. "She's an Ardat-Yakshi, ok? You can't stand against her for long in a biotic match. No one could."

Shepard removed her hand from his and soothed, "Maybe, maybe not. I'm getting pretty damn good."

"You are remarkably talented, Shepard." Samara stepped forward to stand beside him. "But your Kaidan is right. You cannot stand against her."

Shepard ignored the sting to her ego and crossed her arms. "Ok, so I'll just let you handle it once I have her, Samara."

She backed away from them, joining a little group of patrons and said quietly, almost to herself, "Don't worry. She should be the one afraid of me."

* * *

The beat in the club thrummed through Shepard, and even though she wasn't much of a party person she started to move to the beat, her hips undulating unconsciously as she pressed through the writhing bodies on the dance floor. When she and Kaidan had spare time, they both preferred to stay in with each other's gentle company and a vid or wine.

But she thought as she felt a little excitement bubble in her stomach, maybe they should go dancing sometime like she had promised him at Hock's. It would be nice to work through the crowd of bodies with him, blocking out the world as his hands caressed her body in public, to show these amateurs how it was done.

There was an asari dancing there, a pretty young one and Shepard thought of Samara's advice. She was to look interesting, sensual and passionate, something bright to catch Morinth's interest.

Shepard danced badly next to the tall, willowy beauty and despite her clumsy movements the young asari's eyes gleamed with interest.

"You come here often?" she called to Shepard over the thump of music.

"Nope." Shepard answered, flatly. This wasn't working. She was attracting the wrong type of asari.

She walked off the dance floor, ignoring how the asari's face collapsed in disappointment and perched at the bar.

She bought drinks for everyone, and knocked a couple back herself. Then she sat on the stool bored, trying to think what she could do to look dangerous and exciting.

The man next to her eyed her with lust and offered her a cigarette with she took with sullen disinterest. Maybe Morinth thought smoking added mystique, she reasoned as she puffed away. It wasn't bad, she had smoked a little as a young teenager, but had quit when she joined the Alliance. She preferred them to Zaeed's cloying cigars anyway.

"So you have a boyfriend?" the sandy-haired man with the cigarettes fished.

"Yup."

"Oh." His face fell then brightened as he said slyly, "Well he's not here, right? You're too pretty to be alone."

Shepard sighed, sarcastically thinking she needed to work on her seduction skills. All she was getting were doe-eyed asari and frat boys. Jesus, she had no idea how she ever managed to snag Kaidan.

"Nope." She chirped, mockingly cheery, "But you try anything more and I won't need a boyfriend to throw you over this bar and shove this glass of gin up your ass."

He held up his hands and back away, taking obvious note of the sleek muscles in her arms, and the steady look in her eyes, born of the knowledge that she knew she could do it one-handed, without breaking a sweat.

"Ok, lady." He said with a little fear, "No need to get violent. Geez, just being friendly."

Shepard puffed her cigarette again, and sipped her drink, scanning the room. She was just going to do her best to imitate Miranda's particular swagger when someone slid into the seat beside her and she turned to tell them to fuck off, and what met her eyes was Samara's face on a younger body.

"You're the most interesting person in this room. I'm Morinth."

* * *

Shepard did her best to look at Morinth with cool disinterest as she let her into her upscale apartment. Inside she was dying to just get back to the _Normandy_. The entire time they had spoke in the club she had been bored to death. She couldn't stand people like Morinth, with their boastful self-importance. She couldn't help comparing the talks she and Kaidan had had with Morinth's inane chattering about _Vaenia_. As Morinth had blabbered about how glamorous the stars were, Shepard had done her utmost to seem to care.

Kaidan made her laugh, when they were flirting early in their relationship especially, before things got complicated. And he always had thoughtful, quiet things to say that always held her interest, sometimes he explained his take on the brass' politics or the Council's decisions and it had always seemed clever to her. Nothing was faked about him, there was nothing constructed to make him seem more interesting or dark.

He was just who he was and she missed his quiet honestly and simple goodness.

Morinth sat on the couch and looked expectantly at Shepard. As she walked over she felt the asari's eyes trace over her leather encased lower half, the inches of skin revealed by the gap between her top and the leather and then the creamy skin at her bare shoulder.

Shepard couldn't suppress a shiver as she sat and Morinth cooed, "Not afraid of me, are you, darling?"

"Of course not." She said with a husky purr, "I live for danger."

Morinth sat close, and traced one blue hand through her dark wavy hair, humming, "Mmm. Me too. You're quite…interesting."

There was a tingle up Shepard's spine at the contact and she smelt spicy incense. A buzz started in her brain, a particular heaviness spreading through her limbs.

Her omni-tool. Wasn't she supposed to do something with it? It didn't matter now. Morinth's thigh pressed against her own.

The beautiful face smiled, close to her cheek, sniffing her skin. "You have such _energy_ about you."

"An energy, hmm?"

"Oh yes." Morinth nodded, gathering Shepard's hair and putting it to one side of her shoulder. "There were other women in that club, one thousand times more glamorous and classically beautiful than you but the minute I saw you; I knew you outshone them all. You're meant for greatness and I can show you it."

Shepard's mind was quieted, she could no longer quite remember why she was here and she made a vague noise in her throat, "Mm hmm."

"Such pretty eyes for a human woman…"

Morinth bent her head and kissed her on the lips and Shepard did not think rationally for long heartbeats.

_Tell me you want me._

There was a man with dark hair in her mind but she was suddenly repulsed by the very maleness of him. He was always so hard against her skin, hair on his chest, on his arms and legs coarsely rubbing. His hands were too large, his lips too scarred to kiss. His every touch was too rough, pawing at her breasts or between her legs. She thought disgustedly of how they had sex, the penetration she endured while on her back or when he took her from behind, bent over the bed. It was suddenly so clear in her mind, the wrongness of that act, the fact that he had a penis that invaded instead of the asari's gentle sexuality. Shepard had debased herself; a sleek voice whispered in her mind, she had acted like an animal. She had put her mouth on him and she felt like gagging at the thought. Asari did not use such crude methods.

She didn't know how she could ever have enjoyed it, ever begged him for release or screamed his name. Why? When she couldn't even remember his face let alone what he called himself. How could such a creature ever satisfy her? Human males were made for base rutting, for breeding like cavemen and nothing more. Morinth would not be like that. They would share minds, souls.

"I want you, Morinth."

_Tell me you need me._

There was a soft mouth on Shepard lips, and she parted to let the probing tongue inside. She felt little electrical thrills from the contact but no, no, no. It wasn't like when the man kissed her and she would feel that dampness in her underwear. No, this felt like something in her mind, something telling her brain that this was good, this was great.

The man felt like a warm fire, like the burn of whiskey as it slid down her throat or a warm bubble bath slipping over her skin as she sunk down. But it wasn't water but his burning skin and he was the one who sunk inside her. His hips were narrow and she thought disdainfully how they were nothing like the goddess kissing her, the wide curve of her hips, the fullness of her breasts.

The creature she was kissing, felt like the burn of lips stuck to an ice cube, a flash of water in fire, a hiss and a clamor. A chemical burn that stung and pulled at her every movement. Her stomach clenched tight and her brain told the bundle of nerves between her legs she should want this, should crave and covet this.

Her hand was on Shepard's breast; massaging and then she took her hand and stood with her.

"I need you, Morinth."

_Tell me you'd do anything I asked._

The beautiful creature led her over to the bed and her red, slinky top melted away, and the blue goddess' soft lips were back on her neck trailing down her chest. For a moment she wondered why there was only a smooth coolness, alien in its softness.

She thought, distantly, that there should be a scrap of stubble, a light scratching across her skin that made her toes curl at the sensation. He was always so warm and smelt like musk and maybe eezo and the styling product he used on his hair. She loved how he smelt when she buried her nose in the crook of his neck, how his nose squashed against hers when they kissed so hard, how he would hold her cheeks sometimes, his fingers in her hair, his tongue in her mouth gently stroking hers.

The thought formed in her mind, incongruous and somehow anathema to the sensual influence that pried fingers through her grey matter – the dark haired man should be doing the things she liked, pulling off her pants to kiss between her legs and make her sob.

Why wasn't he doing those things?

Where was _Kaidan_? She was sure that was the man's name. His face burst in her mind, the fuzziness of Morinth's control clearing for a moment.

It felt like a tiny wave disappeared from her mind, like a mosquito buzzing for days and finally stopping. The reemergence of a clarity that she didn't know she was missing made a deep breath suck into her lungs and the reality, that Morinth was kissing her bare skin, slammed into her.

Her bra was half undone, a strand slipped down her shoulder and Shepard wanted to be sick. She thought with oily, scared relief that at least her pants were still on.

Shepard knew in heart-stopping moments, the world spinning, that she was almost being raped via mind control.

She threw herself over to the other side of the bed, thrust her hand out and sent a blast careening at Morinth.

"What are you doing?!" she screeched but Shepard didn't answer.

The force of the blow knocked her over the other side of the bed, tumbling ungainly, the bed sheet tangling around her and Shepard stood warily, her hand raised in warning.

There was suddenly an explosion of blue and for one of the rare times in her life she was knocked off her feet by a biotic attack, completely unable to counter it. She had raised her hand, ready to dash it aside as she normally would, but it was like trying to knock aside a tsunami by using a raincoat.

She slammed into the wall, half-naked, her back screaming at the blow and felt terror Morinth had broken some vital bone deep inside her. Something _went_ in her back, some essential support. Her legs didn't seem to want to cooperate anymore when she tried to stand again. She might have heard some _crack_ over the shriek of Morinth.

Was this how it felt when she had smashed people into floors and walls? Tears of pain sprung to her eyes and she angrily blinked them back. With a raw yell, she threw her hand out wide again from her tactically unsound position, sprawled on the floor, a Singularity spinning towards Morinth in vain.

"Oooh," the mockery of Samara's beauty cooed as she dashed it aside. "You _are_ the little talented one, aren't you? I had to work to negate that."

Morinth held her hands out, a shield of dark energy allowing her to walk straight up to Shepard, all the biotic blasts she threw to stop her advance, dissipated.

She knelt beside Shepard then turned her over onto her back.

Shepard couldn't help the shriek of pain that burst from her mouth as her bruised back hit the floor and Morinth crawled on top of her stomach, her thighs on either side to hold her down. The Demon of the Night Winds leaned over her face and she threw a punch, with energy curled into her fist but suddenly there were biotics shackles holding her wrists to the ground.

She struggled and it just made Morinth smile wider, a sick gleam in her eyes. The way a wolf looked when it caught a lamb by the throat, blood already spilling from its neck, staining its wool crimson like Shepard's shimmery top abandoned on the floor beside the bed.

"Tell me _sweetie_, who was that man in your mind I felt? I can take him forcefully and very painfully for you or you can cooperate." Morinth leaned down, pressing her forehead onto hers, their breasts rubbing sickeningly together.

"A husband? A boyfriend? I felt a lot of confusion in your mind, you were sick for a long time, weren't you? There were great stretches of emptiness where your mind was gone."

There was a time that Shepard had gotten drunk and stayed up late talking with Kasumi about her sex life with Kaidan and they had giggled, friendly and happy. Now, Morinth whispered almost like that, a cruel imitation of friendship, "The man was a strong enough memory to break my influence. I might look him up after you. They don't often leave such strong impression on psyches. Human males aren't usually my preference…but for you _darling_, I might make him the exception."

Shepard struggled harder, her back blazing hot pain and fire, but she ignored it, snarling, "Fuck you, bitch. How about you go fuck yourself! I'll rip your throat out."

"Hmm," Morinth hummed, her hands tracing Shepard's waist and stomach now. She was supremely unconcerned with Shepard's rage and ground her hips against Shepard. Bile rose is her throat and she wished she could gather enough to spit in Morinth's face. She felt a little tingle in her mind, and Morinth's eyes were the void of space, pure black and nothingness. The Demon gasped a little, a pleased and maybe surprised smile on her face as she said, "Is he the one you had the-"

"Get the fuck off her!"

There was a masculine bark and then there was another blue wave and it slammed into Morinth, knocking her away from Shepard. She smashed through one of her priceless vases and lay still for a moment. It was Kaidan, angrily flaring blue, his hand held out. Samara stalked in behind him, regal and azure and Shepard was suddenly struck by how intimidating she looked, even more so from her position on the floor.

Relief, sick rushing relief swept over Shepard and for a moment she wondered if she would pass out from the sheer enormity of it and the pain in her back. She wasn't going to be mind probed and raped, then murdered. She was going to be ok.

Samara blasted Morinth again but she resisted, standing up from where Kaidan had thrown her. The room started swirling with their dueling dark energy and Shepard saw Kaidan's eyes wide and frightened at the fact that she wasn't getting up from the floor, now that Morinth was off her.

He raised an arm, a Barrier warding off the two asari's tidal forces and skidded to her side, protecting her from accidentally getting caught up in the biotic crossfire.

"Shepard, what's wrong? Can't you-?"

"Kaidan. Oh, _Kaidan_." She whispered, terrified, not of Morinth but the terrible possibility that grew with every non-response from her legs. "Something's wrong with my back. I can't get up."

Kaidan's face was white as he manifested his tool. She had never seen him look so afraid as he muttered, "Oh god."

Tear sprung to Shepard's eyes, "She threw me into a wall. I couldn't stop her."

"Oh god, sweetheart." He put a hand to her hair and said calmly as he could manage while a biotic storm raged around them, "Ok, ok. Listen. Can you feel anything? In your legs?"

"They hurt. My whole back is on fire."

"Alright." He breathed deeply, faking a tiny encouraging smile at her. "Alright, that's good, ok? That's good. You feel something. Thank god."

He waved his 'tool over her body and she heard the tell-tale beep of his medical diagnostic suite performing a scan.

He kept up a steady stream of comfort, and grasped for her hand, holding it. "Just stay calm and still, ok? I've got you. You're gonna be fine."

Shepard lay and watched as Samara and Morinth tore into each other like rabid animals with gravity at their disposal. Samara threw her daughter against a window, cracking it around her body.

Morinth screeched, "I can't _choose_ to stop being your daughter, Mother!"

"_Enough_, Morinth!" It was the most emotion Shepard had ever heard from Samara and her heart went out to her. "Look what you have wrought!"

To her surprise, Samara gestured to where she lay like a broken bird with Kaidan bent over her. "You are dead to me!"

Kaidan's tool beeped in that moment and some of the darkness lifted from his eyes as he said, "You're bruised, badly. You have a hairline fracture on one of your vertebra but it's not cracked. There should be no permanent damage if Mordin injects some healing serum there, to seal the bone." He smoothed her hair again and breathed with a tentative smile, "You'll be fine."

Shepard almost sobbed. If she hadn't been able to walk out of here…

"I thought-"

He knew exactly what she had been thinking and she noticed his hands were shaking violently. "I know."

Some of the pain was starting to retreat from her back, she thought he might have used his 'tool to give her some sub-dermal pain relief with the analgesic sometimes loaded into omni-tools, along with medi-gel.

"Help me up," She ordered. "I wanna help Samara."

"Shepard…"

"No, Kaidan," she said with furious fire in her voice. "She almost _raped_ me. Almost _paralyzed_ me."

Kaidan's eyes burnt with rage and she knew he wouldn't deny her revenge. Clumsily, using his arms for support, she painfully dragged herself upright. Her legs shook, but they took her weight as he carefully wrapped an arm around her back for support.

Shepard stood watching the stalemate between Samara and Morinth and took great pleasure in what she did next.

She waved her arm, a blue missile careening into Morinth's legs, causing them to collapse beneath her. The combined might of both Samara and Shepard was too much for her.

Shepard made her own biotic shackle for the Demon, holding her to the floor with a glowing blue noose tightening around her neck.

"Do it, Samara," she barked. She could feel Kaidan's eyes on the side of her face, and then switch back to the gasping asari writhing like a marooned, wet fish on the floor.

Shepard called laughingly to the Demon that had sat on her and held her down, "You thought I was your victim, that I was your prey. But you were wrong. The only hunter in our little game was _me_."

She knew what she said was empty bravado, and judging by the look on Kaidan's face, he knew it too. She instantly felt sickened by her words, her loss of control had her scrambling to seem like she still had power. Instead, she knew her words made petty and cruel. Shepard blanched at the hurt look on Samara's face and had to blink back tears. She hated herself sometimes; she always said the wrong thing when she felt threatened.

Shepard felt a pool of shame deep inside her belly. Her pride had her trying to seem in control in front of Kaidan and Samara, when everyone knew in that room that since the moment Morinth sat her own that couch she had very little power. She shuddered and resisted the urge to bury her head in Kaidan's neck.

Samara walked over to the thing she had grown inside her, had hopes and dreams for, given birth to, let suckle at her breast, protected for years. She balled a fist, wreathed it in biotics and drove it into Morinth's head, caving it in with a wet spatter of blood, bone and brain matter.

Kaidan looked away from the grisly sight once it was done but Shepard watched with sick satisfaction. That bitch had tried to rape her.

Samara stood staring at the body and Shepard wanted to go back in time, snatch her words back and pretend she was a better person, not glad to see her mentor's daughter dead.

She wasn't though. So she looked away, trying to suppress her anger and helpless fear.

She knew what this all was. One of her greatest fears coming out – that someone could make her feel helpless again, remove all her power and autonomy she had built over the years. Morinth had picked through her mind as easily as reading a book. Her biotics had overpowered hers, the one thing Shepard prided herself on. She had nearly broken her back. It was as if Shepard was a child to her, to be abused and beaten.

Samara picked up Shepard's top, draping it around her body and only nodded. Shepard nodded back and she knew that what was done was done.

Kaidan turned her gently, stooping almost comically so she could put an arm over his shoulder for support and she leant heavily as he half carried her away. They left for the _Normandy_, leaving the broken body of Samara's daughter behind.

* * *

When they returned to the _Normandy_, Shepard had to spend three hours in the science lab with Chakwas and Mordin as they turned her belly down on the med slab and injected a long needle into her spine. She cried as Kaidan held her hand, as they scrapped healing serum and liquid bone sealant into the fracture that made walking so painful. Miranda had wanted to come in with her, but she really didn't want to see anyone else. Their touch was too painful, and she was so tired.

Once he had helped her up to her cabin, achingly slowly and patiently as she shuffled along, he had tried to help her take her clothes off and a sudden rush of disgust had barreled through her.

She knew they were just echoes of Morinth's mind control, but she couldn't help jerking back, sick at his hands on her bare skin.

She'd never seen him look so hurt and she felt awful. He had offered to take the couch to sleep on and she hadn't refused as she painfully took her clothes off by herself.

She lay there for hours in her bed, awake and in pain. Kaidan had propped pillows under her back, giving her the best support he could make. She knew her back would heal quickly with the med care, but right now it throbbed and ached and stung. She missed Kaidan next to her but knew she couldn't stand to have bare skin next to hers and didn't know how to ask him not to brush her skin accidentally in the night.

She could hear him breathing steadily from the couch and whispered to the darkness, "Kaidan? Are you awake?

"Yeah. I can't sleep."

"…Me neither."

"Do you need anything?" he asked gently. "Can I get you some water or-"

"No, LT." She sighed, "I'm ok. I was just…When she had me, in her mind, she made me want her. Thought I was prepared to fight her off or whatever but…"

"I'm sorry, Shepard."

She thought that there might have been tears in his voice and her heart broke.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. You were wonderful."

"So were you," he said fiercely. "It's because of your wholly unselfish act that Nef's mother knows her daughter's murderer has paid for what she did. If it was my daughter…well it wouldn't have really been a comfort, but it would be something."

Shepard rolled onto her side, trying to see him through the gloom and ignored the twinge in her back as she said, "I mean that's the thing, right? Losing a child. How would you ever deal with that, even knowing the one who took her from you is dead?"

She had no guilty conscious at helping to murder Morinth. She deserved what she got. But Samara had retreated to Starboard Observation and had not come out for hours. EDI said she was meditating.

Shepard felt a great pity for her.

"She did what she had to." Kaidan said calmly. "Her duty as a mother. I'm not saying I could ever do the same as a father, even if I lived for a thousand years, but I guess…I guess I'd hope I would raise them well and they would make good choices in life."

"She was crazy, Kaidan. She seduced people just to feel them die. She refused to stop. What else could we have done?"

"I know."

There was silence for a moment as she turned his words over in her mind and listened to the fish tank gurgle and his soft breaths.

"Had you…had you ever thought about it?" she asked tentatively.

"What?"

"Being a…you know, a father?"

She heard an abrupt ruffling of the blankets as he threw himself over on the couch and exclaimed too loud in the darkness, "Shepard, you're not-?"

"No!" Shepard yelped, her heart pounded and her back gave a painful protest. "God no. Of course not."

"Oh thank god." He sighed a relived breath, "I mean….you know what I mean."

"Don't worry, last thing on my mind." Shepard grasped a pillow and threw it at him in annoyance. "Fuck, Kaidan. You nearly gave me a heart attack."

She heard the pillow thump on him and he chuckled self-consciously, "Yeah, sorry. Panicked a bit for a second. Um, why did you want to know?"

"Curiosity, I guess. We uh, never really talked about it. At all."

"Yeah, I guess not." He hummed in thought and began, "I um, never really thought about it, to be honest. I'm an only child; my family is pretty small, you know."

Shepard nodded in the gloom, forgetting for a moment he couldn't see her face.

"I have some cousins, and my parents and some of my mother's family in Singapore but never been one of those big families. My work had always come first, and I never met someone who…well before you, that I ever really wanted more from."

There was a swoop in her stomach and her mouth went dry. "…With me? You want-?"

"Uh, no." He stammered, "I mean, I dunno."

Shepard said nothing for long moments, not sure what to say.

He stated speaking after a little while, "You might not have been old enough to pay attention but my Ma, she was always right up on the latest biotic news. She always worried a lot."

Shepard made a hum of assent to show she was listening.

"And when I was a teenager, maybe when I was thirteen or fourteen? There was this big scare about human biotics having kids. They thought there might have been damaged DNA, mutations or whatever being expressed in offspring. Kids born with tumors or extra limbs or mental impairment. Ridiculous, but back then people believed anything they were told about biotics. Of course, it turned out to be just fear mongering by that extreme hate speech group-"

She remembered something vaguely about that, Earth's distance making her forget a lot of the politics there. "H.A.B, wasn't it?" she asked. "'Humans Against Biotics'?"

The Alliance kept them safe from a lot of the bigotry but she knew it still ran rampant in civilian life on Earth.

"Yeah, that was the one. Anyway, yeah, H.A.B. So I just sort of had it in my head that I wasn't going to…you know. So that my kids wouldn't be…weird like I was."

"It's not weird." She protested with passion, "Biotics are…they're great-"

"Shep, they weren't always so great," he said gently but firmly. "I know what they are to you. But for me-"

"I know."

Another silence returned but this time it was comfortable.

Kaidan was the one to break it, his voice almost a whisper, "Um, I guess if…I mean, what about you? I never asked either. Did you want to be a mom-?"

"No," Shepard said bluntly, hoping he wouldn't hate her for it. "It would be too close. I don't have the capacity to love the way it would be needed. Look at Samara. Look at my own mother. I'm not gonna be responsible for fucking up someone's life."

He sighed, a long exhale in the darkness and said with heartbreaking affection in his voice, "You have the biggest heart of anyone I know but…ok."

"Is that going to be a problem?"

"No," he said and she believed him absolutely. "I'm just happy with you, just us two."

Shepard decided something then. To give him another piece of her heart.

"When I was thirteen," she said in a rush. "A boy in the Reds tried to rape me. His name was Kowalski."

"Shepard…" he said, horror in his voice and she tried to soothe it away.

"You don't need to say anything," Shepard rolled over again, her back's throbbing easing and a strange lightness entering her heart. "I just wanted to say it aloud. I never have before. You know my other stuff. But this is…this is something no one knew."

Kaidan said with genuine pride in his voice, "I think you're incredibly brave and the most amazing person I've ever met."

Emboldened by his reaction and understanding, Shepard continued, "I accidentally killed him when he tried. I was terrified, he'd been…weird for a while, ever since I started, you know, growing."

Kaidan just let her speak, obviously knowing that he wasn't meant to 'fix' her or make it better or even say anything.

"And I just tried to push him away, and I must have accidentally flared and used my powers. They couldn't have been that strong without an amp, but it knocked him over and he hit his head. And there was blood and I was scared but also glad he wasn't moving anymore. So I just left," she shrugged to the darkness, challenging it to judge. "And I didn't feel guilty that a rapist was dead and that I'd done it. I think people should pay for the things they do. I know you don't feel the same…"

There was a rustle of fabric and she knew he was shaking his head as he replied, "You do what you have to, to survive. I know that and Vyrnnus found that out."

There was a pause and then he said, "Were you ok?"

"No. My brother was small still, I was busy looking after him too, and that winter was harsh and I got a bit too thin. But Kowalski was dead, the Reds didn't care. He couldn't hurt me; he hadn't even gotten my clothes off."

"It was still disgusting of him, Shepard. And you were defending yourself. You were a child."

"I know. I um…it wasn't until I joined the Alliance and got drunk on shore leave that I first you know, slept with anyone. I couldn't trust enough to get that close without alcohol dulling everything, most times. And it was really shit."

She grinned; glad he couldn't see her face and the stupid sappy smile there. "Until I met you."

Kaidan laughed quietly, and then sobered to say, "I've never met anyone who makes me feel like you do, Shep."

Shepard wanted to sleep now, her eyes dropping and Morinth's influence faded. The bed seemed cold and empty as she whispered to him, "I-I think I would be ok if you hopped into bed. And maybe….maybe we could just hold hands?"

"Are you sure?"

"Please."

He crawled off the couch, swearing when he stubbed his toe on the table which made her giggle too hard and then lay gently beside her.

His hand curled on the sheets and she reached to place her palm in his. In the darkness, a static discharge arched from their joined fingers, lighting the whole bed for a millisecond and she saw his eyes and she was _alright._


	25. Snake

Shepard lay entangled with Kaidan, her cheek pressed to his bare chest, counting his breaths as high as she was able. It was early morning, too early to get up and yet too late to go back to sleep. He sighed sleepily as she poked his cheek and she sing-songed, "Lazy bones, come on. You're always nagging me to wake up, now it's your turn."

Blinking sleepily at her, he mumbled, "Shepard, you're an awful woman."

"I know," she laughed as he bent his head to kiss her, sour morning breath and all. "But hey, if you don't want morning sex, well I'll just roll right over."

She made to turn over; smirking but he grabbed her shoulder.

"Hey, hey, where you going? I never said that."

His hands snuck under the blankets to stroke her thigh and she kissed him, mumbling against his lips, "Thought I was an awful woman?"

"I lied."

They kissed and cuddled in bed, their PJs falling away. Their laughter echoed around the room and then they quieted, the sounds turning into the evidence of something else entirely. Her breathy moans, his grunts and more filled the cabin. Shepard's body was his and Kaidan's every curve, freckle and dimple was hers.

When they were finished she lay against his sweat-soaked chest, and his hand alternately stroked her back, over the sensitive fading bruise there, and then further up to play with the ends of her hair.

She was still tingling from her orgasm, still wet with his release between her thighs and she thought for all the hardship they had endured lately it was still one of the happiest times in her life, because he was there to share it with her.

She propped herself on an elbow, smiling at his satisfied expression. He looked like a big sleepy lion, lazy and proud of himself. "One last thing: I want a morning story too."

"That's not a _thing_ like morning sex," he teased.

"It so is a _thing_. You read to me, that's how it goes. Come on, we're halfway through _The Little Prince_. I can make it a Shepard Rule if you want?"

"No, no," he held his hands up in defense, grinning. "Give me the book. I wouldn't want to incur your wrath."

Shepard dove over the side of the bed, scooping the book up from where she'd dropped it last night as she fell asleep trying to make sense of the strange words. She would try to read them herself, and even though Kaidan was sometimes able to read it without the aid of his 'tool translation, Shepard had to use it for every word. It was too hard and she would skip words, having to read a sentence five times or more for over fifteen minutes and still miss the meaning. She always missed the meanings of things, she thought bitterly.

She handed it to him, curling back up against his side, watching his eyes and face as he begun:

_"'I dropped my eyes, then, to the foot of the wall-and I leaped into the air. There before me, facing the little prince, was one of those yellow snakes that take just thirty seconds to bring your life to an end. Even as I was digging into my pocket to get out my revolver I made a running step back. But, at the noise I made, the snake let himself flow easily across the sand like the dying spray of a fountain, and, in no apparent hurry, disappeared, with a light metallic sound, among the stones._

_I reached the wall just in time to catch my little man in my arms; his face was white as snow._

_"What does this mean?" I demanded. "Why are you talking with snakes?"_

_I had loosened the golden muffler that he always wore. I had moistened his temples, and had given him some water to drink. And now I did not dare ask him any more questions. He looked at me very gravely, and put his arms around my neck. I felt his heart beating like the heart of a dying bird, shot with someone's rifle . . .'"_

"I like this." Shepard nodded approvingly at his dramatic reading. He was excellent at it. Kaidan didn't stumble over the words and always used the right voices. "It's some heavy shit for a kid's book, but I like it."

He put the book down and glanced at the time on his omni-tool. Kaidan started to roll out of bed as he said, "Yeah me too."

Shepard sighed, enjoying the view of his bare ass but knowing she should get up too. The Illusive Man wanted another 'staff meeting' and she had some crew issues and small missions to do.

She padded to the shower, unashamedly wiggling her naked body for his benefit and cheekily called from the bathroom door, "Well Mr. Alenko, you can just go steal your own thousands of cred valued copy, because that one is _mine_."

She squealed, rushing to shut the door as he made a silly face and playfully jogged over to her, smothering her faces in kisses and whispered to her ear, "That's ok. I can share."

Her shower wasn't really big enough for two and she wasn't very good at sharing, but that morning she didn't mind at all.

* * *

The Illusive Man was waiting for her as always, his crisp suit, his whiskey, his dying star. She wondered if he ever slept or did normal human things. Did he have morning sex, shower, and go to the bathroom?

She shook her head, suddenly disgusted by the thought of the Illusive Man banging some Cerberus flunky.

"Shepard." He nodded cordially and she nodded back as he continued, "EDI relayed some interesting information to me. Thank you for taking care of Project Overlord earlier in the week."

"I shouldn't have had to take care of it," she censured. "It shouldn't have happened. It was sick."

"You are, of course, correct. Gavin Archer took things too far. If I had known…"

"You would have shut it down?"

"Of course. Don't doubt me, Shepard. I'm a reasonable man." He took a deep drag of his cigarette, pausing and she shifted in her stance. "I only want the best for my projects, for the people working under me, the same as you only want the best for your crew. I have quite a few dear to my heart and humanity's ambitions. We're alike, you and I. The missions are progressing well, I take it?"

"Yeah." She nodded, "They are. Only a couple lingering issues."

"Good. Excellent work, I knew you wouldn't let me down." He praised and stood, padding closer to her on the QEC pad. "How is your back?" he asked, genuine concern in his voice. "I was worried when EDI informed me of your injury and I was concerned that the unfortunate hacking of your cybernetics on Aite may have hampered your healing."

"It's uh, fine thanks. Mostly healed."

It was only thanks to Kaidan, she thought, that she was healing effectively. Every night he massaged her back for her, using that cream he knew from his medic work that would help the healing muscles and spinal damage. After Morinth had first hurt her, she had been stiff for days but under his care she now felt almost completely like her old self.

The Illusive Man nodded, satisfied, and sat back down to take a sip of whiskey. "Have you thought some more about my offer? The position at my side, with Commander Alenko at _yours_?"

"I've thought about it…"

"And?"

"I'm not sure. I don't think-"

He cut over her, "Alenko won't agree will, he?"

Shepard crossed her arms, and lifted her chin challengingly, "He's not leaving the ship."

"That's not your choice. Come now, Shepard," he cajoled. "You must understand that we have sensitive projects that we are working on. They can't be exposed to some Alliance loyalist who will whisper all _our_ secrets to his superior officers. What if they jeopardize our mission to defeat the Collectors? All you had fought and bled and _died_ for would be for nothing."

Shepard thought of losing all she had clawed for with tooth and nail all these months and decided she wouldn't even know how to react if someone invalidated all their training, all the struggling to face the Collectors. They had _murdered_ her. They _had_ to pay.

"He's not going to betray me," she said reprovingly.

"What if he does?"

Shepard frowned. "I don't follow."

"The Council and the Alliance are concerned with your mission." The Illusive Man waved a hand, the smoke trailing after it. "They think you're building some kind of…sedition against them. They're afraid of your growing clout, the professionalism of your crew."

"What are you saying?"

"You know better than anyone that the best way to take down a Spectre is to send another Spectre to finish the job."

Shepard couldn't help her jaw dropping at the possibility that they thought her such a threat. "You think they'll send a _Spectre_ after me, drag me back to the Citadel in chains?"

"The Citadel," he agreed and added, "Or Earth to Alliance HQ for court-martial. And they don't always take prisoners, Shepard. You didn't with Saren."

"I'm not Saren," she huffed, offended.

"Of course not," he soothed immediately. "I can see that plainly. But…I cannot say the same for the Alliance or the Council. This is only my take on the situation, obviously." He took another sip of his drink and Shepard marveled that for a non-biotic he could hold his alcohol very well. "They are content to see what you do about the colony disappearances but once that threat is solved, you'll need protection, Shepard. Cerberus can provide that and more."

"What about Anderson?" she asked, thinking of her dear friend. She couldn't believe he'd let them send a Spectre out to capture or assassinate her. "He'd vouch for the good work I'm doing."

"He's trying with mixed success. But you can't trust him either." He paused, and then said with a raise of his eyebrows, "Alenko _has_ told you, right?"

"Told me what?"

"What he's doing on the _Normandy_?"

Shepard shrugged, not sure what she was missing. "He's helping me. He wants to be here with me."

"Oh." The Illusive Man made a pitying face. "He hasn't it seems. I'm sorry, Commander. But he's here on Anderson's orders." Shepard's eyes widened as he continued, "You know, don't you? That Anderson is prepping him for the Spectres as your replacement."

The words rung in silence for a moment, a wave crashed over her to take away her hearing.

"What?!" she exclaimed, confused and hurt. "Since when?"

"Probably since your death two years ago," he shrugged. "Yes, they've become quite close. Dare I say, almost to the mentorship level David Anderson once shared with you?"

Her mind raced, thinking back to Horizon and Hock's party and the bizarre format of the missions the Alliance had sent Kaidan on. It was strange to be on one-man ops unless Anderson was testing him, unless it was an exercise for the Council. Understanding and the sharp sting of betrayal lanced through her. "I can't believe he wouldn't tell me…"

"It is possible he was unaware of Anderson's maneuvering. But Alenko is politically savvy-"

Shepard cut him off, "He would have known."

She heard the coldness in her voice, the fury. He could have told her what he and Anderson were doing. How could he keep these things from her?

"I only tell you this out of concern for your wellbeing, Shepard. I worry that Alenko is playing you, using you the way you are unwilling to use him, like I suggested."

Shepard stared at the Illusive Man steadily, wishing for some of his whiskey to soothe the burn of tears in her throat.

Her face was blank as he continued, "You remember? Weeks ago I mentioned charm, influence, emotions, sex. He would tell you he loved you, right?" Shepard swallowed thinking back to that morning and the pleasant ache between her legs now. "And while you slept who knows what emails he might read. You shut EDI's sensors down in the night, don't you? So she doesn't see you sleep together. What if he calculated that?"

"You-you're wrong," She protested, sick at heart. "Kaidan wouldn't do that."

"Of course." He agreed but continued, a gleam in his eyes, "Not the man you once knew. But a lot of things have changed over the past two years. He had years to grow away from your shadow and develop ambitions." The Illusive Man sighed, "I only wish I could help guide you on the right path."

Shepard stood ramrod straight, her military training kicking into gear and putting steel into her back. She could think of nothing to say, his words sinking cruelly beneath her skin and taking root in her heart. She thought of nothing so she spoke of nothing and just swallowed.

"I can see this has upset you." He took another sip and said quietly, "My apologies. Alenko might be innocent in all this. But I want you to be wary of the Council's reach, of the Spectres and the Alliance. They're a danger to you and a danger to this mission."

"…Thanks for warning me," Shepard croaked and then coughed to clear it, making her voice strong and determined. "They're not bringing me in."

"I would expect nothing less. I'm wiring more creds to you; I want you to armor the ship securely. And I want you to buy some upgrades for your armor or amp. Take care of yourself, Shepard."

As she turned to leave he called to her, "And please do take…certain _precautions_ in your relationship with Alenko. You are free to make your own choices in life, but it would be a shame if something was to put you out of commission."

She stepped off the QEC pad and wondered how things had changed from this morning. Doubt ate at her heart, a black cancer curling around it, putrefying the happiness that was once there.

* * *

She sat in the mess with a cup of coffee an hour later, a headache ringing through her skull. She'd had EDI check her email and it didn't appear that he'd tampered with it. Kasumi still had her greybox. But there was still queasiness in her stomach, and the oily film on the top of her coffee made her want to vomit. She didn't know what to say to him, she didn't know how to ask. Was this all an act to him? Was this some game of loyalties he was playing?

He could be manipulating her for the Alliance, just a mole to keep tabs. He had been so stubborn on Horizon, so…angry. And he seemed to have only stayed on the ship after talking to Anderson. He'd even been resistant as he lay in the med bay after being shot and they had kissed. If that hadn't made him change his mind, maybe it was just Anderson's orders that did it.

He hated Miranda, they were always fighting. They could barely be in the same room without a snide comment to each other. Kaidan hated Cerberus and she knew he chafed under her decisions sometimes.

If he could convince her to surrender to the Alliance or somehow sabotage Cerberus' ambitions…well, he'd been promoted from Lieutenant to Staff Commander in the years she had been gone. How far away was Spectre Major Alenko? What price had they promised him to pay for it?

"Shepard!"

As if summoned by her thoughts, there he was, dashing breathless into the mess with a smile on his face. Shepard swallowed another burn of tears.

"I came to warn you," he laughed and fell into the seat beside her. "Grunt tortured it out of me."

"…What?" She was proud that he voice sounded normal.

Kaidan laughed again, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. "He was uh, begging me to know why you smelled like flowers as I did some inventory and he got it out of me. I'd watch your shampoo."

"Yeah." She gave a weak smile, "Thanks."

His face fell and she knew her mask hadn't been so successful. Maybe she was just bad at hiding her feelings from him, though.

"Hey, hey, hey." He placed a hand on her shoulder and asked with a worried frown, "What's wrong? Is your back sore?"

She shrugged off his hand. "No. No, it's fine. I just need some…um space right now."

"Oh, ok." He was serious now, all traces of that smile he had worn gone. He nodded and swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. "That's fine. Grunt, Jack and I were going to go kick a ball around in the shuttle bay anyway. If you need me, I'll be there."

He got up and instead of offering him a kiss or a smile like she usually would, she just nodded.

"Fine."

Shepard didn't watch his back as he walked away, the oil in her cold coffee held less painful interest.

* * *

Shepard spent the rest of the day in conference with some of her crew individually, checking all the upgrades preformed on the ship. They were almost ready; as soon as they collected the Reaper IFF they could be ready to hit the Collectors through the relay. She planned to visit the Citadel after she had the IFF, one last time, to make final prep and help Garrus and Thane. She had thought once that she would just live until the Collectors weren't. That if she died in her mission she would at least make sure she took them out.

But now, with her depression lifted she wanted to do her best to come back. There would be no way she'd let anyone die on their mission. There was no way she'd let Kaidan die, no matter her feelings for him.

Last she went to check in with Garrus. His work on the guns was already complete but she felt the need for his familiar comfort, his easy going nature. She didn't want Kasumi or Samara to look into her eyes and see the storm brewing there.

"Hey, Garrus."

He turned and nodded, a flap of his mandible his version of a smile. "Shepard."

"Calibrations?" she asked, looking at his busy work area, soldering tools and rags scattered around.

"No, actually." He shook his head and gestured to the table, and she could see the armor he was wearing when he was hit with a missile. "Working on some armor, trying to repair the scorches."

"I bought you a new suit, you know."

He shrugged. "I like the old one."

"Hmm," she hummed noncommittally.

"Hey now, what's wrong?" he barked a laugh at whatever he saw on her face and she thought she might have been unconsciously pouting as she toyed with one of his cleaning rags. "You have that look on your face."

"Everything." She sighed, "Nothing."

"That's helpful. Eloquent as always, Shepard."

"Hey, shut up Vakarian." She gave him a weak grin and threw a rag at him, hitting him in the face.

Garrus pulled it off, threw it back in her face and then sat on a crate, shrugging his arms as if to say 'Well? I'm listening.'

She sighed again and sat next to him, his armor roughly brushing the Cerberus jacket she wore.

"How do…how do you cope with betrayal?" she started. "Even if they don't mean to, but…"

"Who betrayed you?" he said, sharply. "I can kick their ass."

"No, it's ok," she soothed. "Hypothetical, say."

"I cope by taking from them what they took from me."

He glared at his armor lying on the table, the scorches he couldn't scrub out. Shepard thought she had never seen his eyes so cold, pales slits of vengeance.

"You can't take Sidonis' life more than once," she said as gently as she could manage.

"Once is enough. He took my whole crew, Shepard," he hissed fiercely. "Imagine if someone on this squad got everyone on the _Normandy _killed. Joker, Kasumi, Samara, Miranda, Kaidan – all of them. All with neat little bullets in their brains, execution style."

She said nothing, picturing the grisly sight. She imagined going up to her cabin and seeing Kaidan lying there, still and cold with a hole in his forehead, a bullet path through his brain.

Garrus continued, "What would you _honestly_ do, Shepard?"

"I would murder every last person responsible. You're right, Garrus."

They sat in silence for long moments and then Garrus reached around behind her, his arm brushing her back and produced two bottles of beer from behind a crate.

"Figured we could use this," he drawled as he handed her one.

"Thanks," she said and took a long swig. It was still cold; he must have had a stash buried here in a cooler.

She sighed after a while and confessed, "This is…I'm worried whether I'm doing the right thing. If Kaidan-"

She looked away from his face as he did the turian version of raised eyebrows, and his nose wrinkled.

"This going to sound…weird after our um, talk before," he fumbled and she knew he was talking about that night in her cabin. There was a twinge of embarrassment in her stomach but she managed to keep it from heating her cheeks.

He shifted on the crate. "And I want you to know that I don't… Well, you know. But are things not working out?"

"Yes and no." Shepard leant forward, leaning the cool beer on her forehead to calm her thoughts. "There's something massive in between us and sometimes it's so big I can't see past it. And I know he has an even harder time than me. I'm Cerberus now, he's Alliance."

"It's not my place to say what you should do, Shepard."

"I know, and I'm sorry." She shook her head, leaning back on the crate and smiling wearily at him. "I just wanted to someone to listen. I've been fooling myself."

"No, you haven't," he protested. "You've been doing a damn good job under difficult circumstances. You've been doing more than anyone else would."

"We're going to the Citadel after we check out the derelict Reaper. I'll take care of Sidonis with you. Don't you worry, Gar. I know that people should pay for what they do."

"Really?" he said with some surprise in his voice. "I have to be honest; I didn't think you would agree."

Shepard swallowed and decided to explain something to him, something Kaidan knew already but she hadn't told to anyone else beside Anderson.

"When I was young, first joined the Alliance," she started. "I was, you know, assigned training. And it was my first time leaving Earth. But when I was away I got a notice."

Garrus made a humming noise, like rocks rolling around in his throat and Shepard was comforted by it.

She continued and said with no emotion, "My baby brother was dead. He wasn't really a baby then, but in my heart he was."

Shepard stopped, blinking back tears and Garrus put one long arm around her shoulders, dwarfing her.

She leant her head on his shoulder and explained, "I'd left Earth to get away from the monster I was becoming. I said to myself: 'You're going to be a good person now.' Milo had started to…to get into the street life in a bad way and no matter what I done, I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't help him."

She took an awkward sip of beer, spilling some down her chin. The words she said next were like pulling razor blades from her mouth, "And he OD'ed while I was gone. And his body was so ugly. These sores and he was so thin. And you know what? I knew why he was like that. I knew why he grew up to think that was all he had. I was so close myself for a while there. But I wasn't enough for him. I wasn't enough to keep him safe when my mother…my mother got bored of hitting me."

Garrus shifted uncomfortably, squeezing her shoulders, "Shepard…"

"He was still so young," she barreled on, rushing to tell him. "His whole life before him. And maybe if I hadn't hooked up with the Reds and spent more time at home shielding him, he would have been ok. Maybe if I hadn't taken the easy way out and joined the Alliance, if I had stuck it out, he could still be here."

Garrus said nothing but his talon patted her slightly on her arm. She wished it was Kaidan for a cruel moment and then remembered she was pissed at him with a sick swoop of her stomach.

"How many people I love die because of me? Because of my choices?" she mumbled, half to herself.

"Is this why you think people should pay for what they do?" he asked and took a sip of beer. "Because of your mother?"

"She never paid. I never made her." Shepard shrugged. "She could still be alive for all I know. I had the chance to kill her, before she got to him and I was too weak to take the opportunity."

She wasn't weak anymore. Cerberus had given her power; she had an amp that could almost compare to a Matriarch's power. She had a crew that was the best in the galaxy. She had training, fifty ways to know how to kill a man with just her body alone. She had years of breaths to take, _time_, thanks to Cerberus and Liara. She was alive to take her revenge on the Collectors for spacing her and stealing everything from her.

Shepard said bitterly, "She tricked me, she betrayed me with lies about how she loved me. And because I wanted to be loved, I believed her. I could have ended it."

"I loved that kid, Garrus." She turned to look the turian in the eyes but there were no tears in hers and she met his gaze boldly, with blue fire burning in her irises. "He was my everything. No one loved me like he did. It was so innocent. He trusted me. He had green eyes, can you believe that?" Garrus shook his head, mandibles fluttering in a sad expression.

"Such a rare thing for humans these days." She sighed, "Mostly, everyone has brown eyes like Kaidan, you know? I look like my mother and got her cold eyes, but he took after his dad, I think. He wasn't my dad, of course…" she trailed off, lost in memories and aware she was rambling.

Then she gathered herself, "I didn't give birth to him but I knew even as a ten year old that I was a child raising a baby."

"What about Kaidan?" he asked and she knew he was referring to the fact that she said no one loved her like Milo. "He loves you, doesn't he?"

"It's a different love." She thought of how they sneaked around on the SR1, risking their careers and all impartibility and said bluntly, "It's a more _selfish_ love. We should never have hooked up on the SR1. We weren't fair to anyone and it was dangerous. I knew the whole thing was a massive mistake, but I did it anyway because I loved him. Maybe it was just lust. I dunno," she muttered, swigging some more beer.

"Do you still think you made a mistake?" Garrus took his arm from her shoulder and stood, roughly pulling his scorched armor to his work table and beginning to work. She knew he felt uncomfortable with her frankness.

"…I don't know."

Shepard finished her beer and went to sit with Joker in the cockpit, running simulations on what they could encounter beyond the Omega 4 Relay. She told herself she was working for the good of the crew, not avoiding Kaidan.

She didn't really believe herself.


	26. Corruption

There was a sudden coldness to Shepard and Kaidan had no idea how to breach it. She barely said two words to him and her eyes were the color of a stormy sea, and just as forbidding. Every time she met his gaze, he felt as though she'd dash him against the rocks to drown. A tension arched between them and he knew she was begging for a fight. It was how she dealt with things, angry words and a cruel, cutting tongue.

Something had upset her, and she avoided his questions and even his touch. They started sleeping on separate sides of the bed until sometimes in the night she would reach for him, almost despite herself. She would hug him as if afraid he would disappear right in front of her and then pull away, her back an implacable wall.

The morning of the exploration of the derelict Reaper she pulled her armor roughly on in the armory, refusing their usual ritual of seal checks and help with difficult clasps. Kaidan turned away from her as he dressed, stung. He didn't know what he'd done and it annoyed him that she wouldn't speak about it. She liked keeping secrets, it seemed.

As Kaidan started pulling on his chest piece she turned and said coldly, "That's not necessary, Kaidan. Garrus and Miranda are coming this time." She gestured to where the turian and Cerberus loyalist were suiting up and checking their weapons.

He protested, "Shepard…with all due respect, I'd like to be there. It'll be dangerous; I think a four man squad is best."

"_I'm _the Commander of this ship, not you," she barked, like she would if he was a green recruit to pull into line and Kaidan bristled. He held back the retort on his lips as she bit out, "And I said no."

Lawson came between them, her brows raised in mild surprise at Shepard's tone. "Shepard, as much as I hate to agree with him, he's right." She threw Kaidan a dirty look. "There will probably be husks inside; another person with biotics would be beneficial for crowd control."

Shepard huffed, "Samara or Jack could come, then."

Kaidan had enough. He felt a spark of anger and annoyance at Shepard's childishness. She was like that sometimes and he even though he'd never say it aloud, he thought it was because of the way she was raised that she could barely express strong feelings without anger or sarcasm mixed in.

He loved her more than anyone else and he might be used to following her orders, but she couldn't speak to him like that or keep him off vital missions due to whatever personal problems they had. Samara and Jack were still recovering from their emotional missions. He was the best person for the Reaper exploration. Shepard _knew_ better than anyone that they went through Virmire together and that he was more than familiar with Indoctrination.

Kaidan stalked over to her and grabbed her armor, pulling her gently aside to lean down and ask quietly, "What's your problem? You know Samara and Jack are still dealing with what went down. Why won't you let me help you?"

To his surprise, she jerked her arm away violently and hissed, "Get off me."

He immediately backed off from her, worried that she was having flashbacks to Morinth or her childhood. He was confused. Shepard had always been moody but never like this with him.

"Sorry," he said quickly. "I'm just trying to understand."

Her face crumpled for a moment, noticing the hurt on his. She sighed and said, "No, _I'm_ sorry. I just…I have some things on my mind. We could use you on this mission."

She started walking away and taking his chance he grabbed her hand, pulling her back. Lawson and Garrus were fussing with their armor. Kaidan had a last chance.

He pressed her lips to his, in good luck, in apology, in love. In a hundred little things he couldn't name.

He meant to pull away, it was only a small quick thing on a whim, but she fisted a hand in his hair and opened her mouth under his. Her tongue was in his mouth and he was kissing her for all he was worth, like it would be the last time he would have the chance.

It was almost obscene, right in the middle of the armory, their mouths fused together as if they wouldn't see each other again for years. Kaidan could feel the anger in the kiss, the passion she felt for him and unconsciously his hand tightened on her fingers as he held them to his side. She clutched back and pulled his hair almost painfully.

What seemed like days blinked by as he kept his eyes shut, savoring the moment. He smelt the flowers in her hair that reminded him of happier times, of her soft naked skin and softer smile, more delicate than any bloom petal.

He heard her ragged breathing and the clang of her armor bumping against his and thought of her fierce battle grimace and sweaty, dirty face. Of the cobalt blast of dark energy that matched her eyes and made the hairs on his arm stand on end.

He felt her soft, small lips on his, giving and taking and demanding more and how she always challenged him to be a better man for her. How all that he had achieved since she died had been her epitaph and he would have spent a lifetime living in the shadow her memory, of her love that he couldn't let go.

He thought about the last time they had slept together before she had turned distant, and how she had whimpered his name and squirmed against him, begging him and chanting that she loved him. He thought about after, how they had read that silly book about a lost boy together and then cuddled and kissed softly in the shower for so long they'd lost track of time and had made the Illusive Man wait for her QEC call.

Lastly, he thought of the hours leading up to Alchera those dark years ago. The last time he'd kissed her, the last time they'd slept together back then. He remembered it with perfect clarity, etched into his brain from hours dwelling over it after her death. He always thought it hadn't been _them_, hadn't been romantic enough for a goodbye. The last time he had tasted her skin, it was just a quickie in the locker room under the shower spray, not even in a bed. She'd been tired and in need of affection and so he'd given in to her.

They'd been on duty, breaking one of their Rules. Technically, she should have been on deck and Kaidan should have been at his post. The sex had been hard and rough against a tiled wall, of all places, as the shower had pounded down on them, covering their cries. He had come too quickly; they were too frantic and rushed at the thought of being caught. It had left square tile impressions on her back even though he'd tried to soothe them away with kisses. They were probably still there when she died.

Kaidan felt that last desperate passion and tension now, cinched together, and knew they teetered on the edge of something that threatened to drive them apart.

But he still loved her and would until the planets stopped spinning, until the oceans went dry, until a million Reaper cycles had passed. He wished for a moment there was no Alliance, no Cerberus, no Reapers and they were just two normal people who were free.

He realized now, under all these external pressures that he and Shepard had _never_ been just _free_ to love.

And he desperately wanted to be set free. But they couldn't. Kaidan couldn't. He didn't know if they would ever just _make it _together.

She was the one to pull away first. She wouldn't meet his eyes and he knew she felt whatever was in their kiss, too. Her lips red and swollen as she gestured over her shoulder and said, "I-I'm uh, gonna check on, uh, Joker…" and trailed off vaguely, stumbling out of the room.

Kaidan took several deep breaths, trying to gather himself and his composure. He saw Lawson watching him, her brows drawn so low over her eyes that she looked hawkish. He followed Shepard as the ship started rattling in cosmic winds and avoided both women's pairs of blue eyes.

* * *

Kaidan walked behind Lawson, Garrus and Shepard further into the Reaper. When they arrived at the sector containing the Cerberus labs Lawson had paled at the absence of the scientists, at the state of the labs. There were bodies, some husks, some not. Shepard had seen clearly that Lawson wanted time to check on the scientists' work and had ordered Kaidan to guard her as she and Garrus scouted a little ahead.

Kaidan told himself that she only took Garrus to evenly distribute their skills. She didn't take him with her to snub Kaidan.

"Chandana?"Lawson called, her voice echoing too loud in hushed, dark corners. Kaidan thought she sounded panicked as she dropped formalities, "Chandana? Arun?!"

"Stop yelling," Kaidan silenced her; wary of what could be waiting to pounce. "He's probably Indoctrinated, or a husk."

To his surprise her face fell into an agonized expression as she whispered, "He can't be. Oh god, he just can't."

"What's wrong?" he said, alarmed at her break in composure. "Should I get Shepard?"

"No!" she suddenly barked. "No. It's fine."

As she typed frantically on the console he watched over her shoulder. Streams of text played down the screen and he saw it was nothing but,

**'DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS**

**DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS**

**DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS'**

In ever increasing spelling errors until it petered off into gibberish. The back of Kaidan's neck prickled and he suddenly wished he had Shepard to stand beside him.

Lawson gasped, suddenly coated her hands in biotics and punched the console's screen, sending sparks flying as she obliterated it.

"Holy shit!" Kaidan jumped back in surprise, his mouth hanging open at her violent reaction.

She took no notice of his incredulity and swore, "Shit, this should never have happened!" She pounded on the console one more time. "Chandana was heading one of my projects for a few months before this one. An important one. And if he's been Indoctrinated-"

Understanding dawned on Kaidan and he murmured, "It would have leaked to the Reapers."

"Yes." She turned to him and there were furious tears in her eyes. "H-he would have had access to all the files, the med records, DNA samples and assays." She looked around the lab, her eyes lost and wild and Kaidan thought she was finally seeing the dangerous nature of Cerberus' experiments. "Bloody hell, he would have babbled everything to the Reapers."

"Maybe not." He tried to comfort, for a moment putting aside their differences, "The Reapers are in dark space and this one is dead."

"But it still dreams." She spat, "You saw it. We have no idea how they communicate with one another, or how the Collectors communicate with them. They could have some kind of information network or actually use the Collectors as an information intermediary. There's evidence of some kind of hive mind, or master controller."

"Hmm," he hummed, lost for words. There was nothing to say, everything she said was true. The Reapers had information she desperately didn't want them to have, regardless of how they had obtained it.

"This is so _fucked_," Lawson swore and placed her hand on her forehead, closing her eyes. She reminded him of Shepard for a moment, her icy mask cracked and he found himself feeling sorry for her.

"Are…look, I know we don't get along." Kaidan said gently, "But are you ok?"

"I can't believe you of all people are asking me that. After all that I've done…"

He coughed, clearing his throat and swallowing his pride. "You brought Shepard back. Out of everything you gave her back. And I suppose…you did save my life. That's something."

"Yeah." She nodded, a tremulous smile on her face, and gathered herself. She pulled her gun out, motioning them out of the lab sector and mumbled almost to herself, "Shit, the Illusive Man needs to put my project in lockdown. Move it, assign guards. My god. This is so…"

"It doesn't have to be so dangerous," Kaidan said and caught up to her as they moved further into the Reaper. "Look…Shepard trusts you. Defect to the Alliance. End this whole thing. _We_ could save your project."

"You're a naïve man, Staff Commander," she scoffed, her familiar haughtiness back. "The project might be unsalvageable. The only thing waiting for Shepard and me in the Alliance is a cell or a firing squad…"

Kaidan raised his pistol as they turned a corner but it was empty. He could have sworn he heard noises.

"That's ridiculous," he whispered furiously. "Shepard could have her old life back and, if you provide information, you can bargain. We don't execute people."

"Yeah." She laughed bitterly, "Not publically."

Kaidan said nothing to her obviously Cerberus brainwashed vitriol and hefted the assault rifle he had attached to his back, equipping it instead of his pistol. It felt like the darkness was teeming with eyes, with danger, and the walls watched their every move.

Shepard radioed in to tell him that there was someone else in the Reaper, sniping husks for them and told him to be on his guard. Garrus and she would wait in a cleared room for them to catch up.

As she signed off with a curt "Shepard, out," he took the opportunity to ask Lawson something that had been bothering him, whirling in his stomach miserably.

"…Shepard's angry with me and I don't know why." He tried to keep the accusation out of his voice but failed, "What have you been saying to her?"

"Me?" she shrugged, unconcerned. "Why would you assume I'd bother to try and meddle in your train wreck of a relationship?"

Kaidan suddenly regretted even attempting to comfort her before and grumbled, "You know, I'm usually pretty respectful of women. But, _you_? You, I don't like."

"The feeling's mutual." She smiled sarcastically as they cautiously moved in formation. "She probably got sick and tired of you blabbering and questioning Cerberus' every decision." She threw her hands up for a moment as if beseeching the Reaper to smite him. "God knows, I would have attempted to drown you in the crew showers weeks ago." Kaidan rolled his eyes as she continued smirking, "It might've taken a lot of struggle but I would have gotten you eventually and been free of nagging. Shepard has the patience of a saint….and-"

"And what?"

She stopped and her face was honest and open. Some of the beauty returned to it, a glimpse of the woman she might have been if not drawn into Cerberus' lies. Her sapphire eyes met his amber ones and she said quietly, "And she clearly cares about you a great deal. It was, uh, something I was wrong about. Before."

Kaidan had never seen her admit that she made a mistake and he was intrigued. Maybe he was finally seeing the side of Lawson that Shepard cared for, that Shepard defended.

"How do you mean?"

Lawson sighed and said, "We, of course, researched the SR1 crew during Lazarus. We were aware you were fraternizing but not that there were genuine feelings."

Kaidan swallowed harshly, looking into the dark red gloom of the Reaper's bowels as he thought of their 'feelings'. It seemed such a paltry word to encompass what he felt.

She continued, whispering quickly as they drew closer to Shepard, "I made the mistake of projecting what I would have done, for what _she_ was actually doing. Involving personal feelings instead of just sex for the hell of it."

"Shepard isn't- I mean she wouldn't just fraternize for the hell of it." He felt the need to defend them both, that they only fraternized because of genuine emotions that he couldn't help acting on. "Neither would I. We loved each other."

"I was just going by her previous record. She had no prior serious relationship, just sexual dalliances. I miscalculated."

Silence fell for a moment but it wasn't really silence as Kaidan knew it. The Reaper almost hummed, alive and dead at the same time. He wondered for a brief, heart-stopping moment if this was how Shepard felt as she lay on that med slab and Lawson wrested her back into life. Did _she_ dream? She wasn't a goddess, no. Her face wasn't his to worship, her body was no temple. She was fallible human and he could never love perfection or divinity. But she was _Shepard_, the only living being ever to cross the border of life and death and shake off that clawed, grim reaper grasp. Was she aware of what was done to her like this Reaper was aware of them poking inside it?

The thought had him growling at Lawson, their earlier cease-fire forgotten, "It's funny you call it 'researching the crew' because, of course, you mean _spy_. I have the files, I have the pictures."

"What files?"

"You don't have to pretend. I know the extent of the surveillance and so does Shepard."

Lawson's eyes widened, seemingly bemused. "What surveillance?"

"You don't know?" He paused in the corridor they were in the middle of and raised his omni-tool, flicking through the files he had taken from the suicidal spy on the Citadel. "Look."

Her heels _clicked_ over to him and looked through the flickering images with a dawning horror in her eyes. Kaidan had to look away as it came to the intimate pictures of him and Shepard entwined, and the ones with Ash, whole and alive.

"My god." She breathed, "I had no idea…he, he planned this-"

Fury lanced through Kaidan. She had to be talking about the Illusive Man.

"He planned her _death_?!" he demanded.

"No, no. That's not what I mean."

Kaidan powered his 'tool down as she leant on a railing and began, "I wasn't aware that before I brought him…evidence of yours and Shepard's relationship that he already knew. I didn't know that it went so far." She looked him in the eyes again and said, "I'm sorry, it was over the line. You both shouldn't have been so exposed. It was tasteless."

"Uh, thanks. I guess."

They moved on, coming to another lab area. Garrus and Shepard had already been through, so recently one of her Singularities still twirled, dead husk bodies stuck in it until it dissipated. He waved his arm, negating it, and it blinked out of existence, dropping the twisted remains.

Lawson stooped by a husk, and picked a locket off its neck. He wondered if she had once knew whose it had been. Maybe Chandana.

"I can't believe this." She said and stood back up, pocketing the locket. She picked up some datapads from a desk as he paced the room, looking for any leftover hostiles. "He acted so surprised when I told him, but he couldn't have been if he had the evidence already."

"How did _you_ find out, if you didn't know about the spying? About us?" he asked curiously. "I mean if Shepard was um, dead…"

Lawson made a nervous gesture and in her fumble dropped a datapad.

She picked it up, acting like she never dropped it in the first place and frowned, "Do you really want to know? It's crude."

Kaidan raised his eyebrows expectantly. What could be crude? How Lawson would have known? He didn't think Joker would be that tactically brain dead to actually betray Shepard's secrets to Cerberus and he knew Chakwas wouldn't have either.

"There was um, _evidence _of your…shall we say, recent liaison?" She raised a delicate brow, as if that should explain it all.

"Evidence?" Kaidan frowned, not following.

"You idiot, I'm trying to be discreet." Lawson rolled her eyes and said flatly, "There were traces of seminal fluid in her reproductive tract as I did the uh, cellular _exploration_ to see if she could be saved. Obviously we performed DNA analysis to ensure the corpse hadn't been…tampered with."

"_Oh_." Kaidan coughed, flushing red in embarrassment and also anger. They had pawed through her body, scrutinized every cell like she was some kind of lab rat. Lawson toyed with the end of the datapad and he thought curiously that she wouldn't meet his eyes. He wondered if she was lying for a moment and dismissed it. Why would she lie about something so private? After all, they _had_ slept together, only hours before the _Normandy_ was attacked.

Lawson shrugged and sighed, "It wasn't your best kept secret anyway."

She looked to wrestle with herself, and finally confessed, "For what it's worth…I'm beginning to see that maybe I'm not as perfect as I thought and that maybe I've hurt a lot of people along the way."

Kaidan said nothing and she followed him as he left to find Shepard.

He didn't think that even with her apologetic words she could ever make up for the wedge Cerberus had driven between him and Shepard.

* * *

They met up with Garrus and Shepard, the both of them perched behind a crate grinning at some private joke. There were husk and scions' guts and blood spattered on their armor, their duty as forward vanguards for Lawson and Kaidan putting them in the thick of things. Once they reconstituted their group though, she set Garrus back on sniper duty and took Kaidan on point with her.

The Reaper had engaged its kinetic barriers as they had first entered and the core needed destroying before they could leave with the Reaper IFF they had recovered from a lab. Kaidan knew they would be cutting it fine; the only thing stopping the Reaper from falling into the brown dwarf it orbited was the mass effect fields. They would need to be damn quick and lucky.

Shepard was always lucky. He just hoped it would extend to all of them.

"Kaidan," Shepard said as they took a moment to quick equipment and heat sinks, "I found more audio. Everyone on this thing is dead or husks. They seemed to be sharing dreams; they couldn't even tell whose wife was whose anymore."

Kaidan couldn't imagine not being able to correctly remember who his own wife was. He hated the Reapers and thought that he finally fully empathized with Shepard's fear of corruption, of the husks.

The Reapers would destroy him if they stole his memories of Shepard. In dark days, memories were all he had.

"Yeah," he replied sadly. "Lawson and I figured that. She's pretty upset."

Kaidan and Shepard stood, starting to move forward and for a moment their hands brushed and the world stood still.

A bullet whizzed by his ear in the exact moment their hands made contact and he spun to see the husk that had crept up on them fall with a bullet in its circuit-brain. There were three more climbing from the platform's depths and quicker than Kaidan could react they were put down with expertly aimed rounds.

"Shepard-Commander."

He saw Shepard's mouth fall open as they both caught sight of the sniper. It was a geth.

"What the fuck?" Shepard mouthed and Kaidan whole-heartedly agreed. What was a single geth doing here?

They pushed further into the dead god, now wary of the guardian geth with the sniper rifle.

* * *

"Alright everyone! Kaidan, you're with me. We're in charge of crowd control. You keep the husks off Garrus and I'll keep them off Miranda."

In the core Kaidan nodded at Shepard's order, moving beside her. She gestured to Lawson and Garrus and said, "You two, I want you to focus on taking the zombies out. Garrus, you're the heavy hitter, go for the core when you've got the chance and I want you to keep suppressing fire up. Cover us and the geth."

"The geth, Shepard?" Kaidan asked, surprised. Why would she care about the geth?

"It probably saved our lives, LT. We owe it."

Kaidan shrugged. He never had much sympathy for geth, not after what he saw on Eden Prime, not after…Ash.

They broke off, the sick wailing of husks signaling their arrival. Straight away, Shepard thrust her arm out, a look of fierce concentration on her face as a Singularity burst to life and funneled the husks into neat little airborne groups.

Kaidan tore his eyes away, concentrating on keeping Garrus safe, using biotics to throw the swarming husks away. They fanned out covering one platform while Shepard and Miranda took the other, waiting for the core to open.

They were ripping through the husks until Shepard ordered them to concentrate fire on the core when it opened. The two males turned, assault and sniper rifle joining in with the flare of Shepard's biotics and Miranda's sub-machine gun. He heard Shepard swear loudly as it shut and off to his side he heard Garrus yell in alarm.

Kaidan turned and suddenly Garrus was down on the ground, five husks crawling on top of him, biting at his armor. They were dragging him to the edge of the platform and the oblivion waiting there.

Kaidan raised his hand throwing the husks off the turian but one still had him by the spurs on his leg, already yanking him over the side. Garrus' weapon lay fallen too far for him to reach, and his talons left little scrabbles and scratches on the metal as he frantically clawed for purchase.

Without thinking Kaidan threw himself onto his stomach before him, grasping one off his arms in his and trying to dig his feet into the metal to stop their slide. There must have been more husks waiting below and he heard Garrus pant in pain as more grabbed his legs, yanking Kaidan and him further down. If he didn't let go of his old friend, he would fall too.

Kaidan held on tighter, desperately wishing he had his arms free to use his biotics, wishing he could think of something to save them.

"Kaidan. Let go, you'll fall." Garrus' icy blue eyes bored into Kaidan's, begging him to let go and save himself. The vigilante was almost entirely over the side now. Kaidan's head was pulled over the edge and his torso hung off bearing Garrus' entire considerable weight. His muscles burned under the strain, his feet scrambling.

He looked down and saw the hell below. The darkness of a Reaper's heart. Multiple husk eyes glowed, denizens of hell waiting to welcome them into their embrace.

"Alenko. Let me the hell go!"

"Doesn't work like that," he panted, gripping the turian's arm tighter. Sweat poured down his face with the effort and his hands were slippery in his gloves. "We used to be friends and that means something. No one left behind."

Garrus looked at him defiantly and started to wiggle out of his grip, determined not to pull Kaidan to his death as well.

"I'm going to be a good turian this time, Alenko. You take care of her."

His hand was so slippery….

"No, Garrus," he gasped. "Don't do this."

There was a massive boom of a biotic detonation behind them and renewed scream of husks and then there was a sudden lightness to Kaidan's body.

"Come on, boys! Up and at 'em."

Shepard was there and Kaidan breathed raggedly in relief. She coated Garrus in biotics, making him lighter, and with a grunt of effort grabbed Kaidan's arm and pulled, yanking Garrus and him over the side with ten husks clinging to Garrus' body like a macabre monkey-in-a-barrel game.

Lawson shot the husks neatly in the head; one by one on Shepard's commanding gesture.

Kaidan fell back on his ass with an _oomph_, shaking from how close they had come to losing another team member.

Shepard pulled Garrus to his feet, shoved a gun at him and then grasped Kaidan under his arm and yanked him upright too.

Their chests bumped together and she smiled at him, but he could see the gaping terror in her eyes at nearly losing them both that turned her best feature dark and the edges tight.

"You're ok," she said gruffly, almost to herself.

The core opened then, and she unleashed hell along with Miranda, their biotics searing the glowing heart of evil. Kaidan and Garrus gathered themselves and he joined his biotics in.

The core finally stopped, and Kaidan thought it was a good thing Shepard was lucky, or Garrus and he would have joined Chandana's ghosts in the machine.

Shepard bent over the fallen geth, examining it and with a nod started hauling it onto her shoulders. Kaidan noted that it wore a familiar pauldron…

Why would he have Shepard's old N7 armor? Kaidan would kill it if it had scavenged from Shepard's corpse like some kind of carrion bird.

"Shepard, you've got to be kidding!" Miranda questioned. "A geth?"

"He's coming." Shepard said and her tone brokered no argument as she barked, "Garrus, carry him."

She obviously found the geth's bulk too heavy or maybe she just wanted her hands free to shoot, so she bundled him into the turian's baffled arms.

"I agree with Ms. Lawson." Kaidan couldn't believe the words that fell from his mouth but couldn't understand why she was being so stubborn about a geth. "This is crazy. He's a geth."

"A geth who helped us," she said, rushed as the Reaper started falling. "He probably saved our lives. He's coming. End of discussion."

Joker urged them on then, and they tore through the Reaper to the where the Normandy was docked. Kaidan felt every step he took out of the Reaper lighten, some nameless dread disappearing from the back of his brain.

Shepard urged Garrus to throw the geth to the Normandy's airlock, in the lightened gravity, easily making it and then pushed Miranda to jump. Kaidan watched as she landed safety and then Garrus took his turn, Miranda steadying him by the shoulders.

"Shepard, you first! Jump!"

"Not a chance in hell. You first." Without waiting for his response she shoved him in the back and forced him to jump, Garrus grabbing him as he landed. He spun, angry at her for never taking her safety seriously.

She leapt, graceful as a small bird but fell slightly short, the distance widened by the falling Reaper.

He threw himself on his belly as he had for Garrus and caught her by the shoulders, pulling her over the side of the airlock.

"Jesus Christ, Shepard. You're gonna give me a heart attack."

"I think I've already had several today," she panted, her face bright red but grinning.

* * *

Kaidan sat in Shepard's cabin hours later, waiting for her to join him. It was late in the sleep cycle and he was tired. He had made her some toast and hot chocolate in an attempt at an apology for whatever he'd done and to make her actually eat something before she passed out exhausted, but it had started going cold while he waited. He was just about to go find what she could be doing at this hour, when the door whooshed open and she stumbled in, eyes dark with tiredness.

"Hey," he greeted. "What was keeping you?"

She glanced up, almost surprised to see him and said, "I woke up the geth. His name's Legion now."

Kaidan stood from where he had been sitting on her desk and exclaimed, "You what?!"

"Oh please, don't start." She rolled her eyes and started pulling off her jacket stiffly. "He's perfectly safe. You can talk to him and everything."

Kaidan gaped at her blasé attitude. "Some days I wonder if you're brilliant or just have a death wish."

Shepard said nothing, pulling her shirt and pants off so she was just in her singlet and underwear.

"I made you some food, if you want it," he said and gestured to the tray he had brought up from the mess.

"Thanks," she murmured and picked at the cold toast.

He sighed at her downcast expression. He had to know what was wrong with her, why she was either so sad or so angry. He couldn't stand this gulf between them.

Kaidan crossed to stand behind her, and placed a hand on the tight line of her shoulder stroking the warm skin there as he said quietly, "Please, Shepard. Tell me what's wrong?"

"I don't know how to say it," she whispered, not turning around.

"Try."

She drew a ragged breath.

"I found out you've been lying to me," she said flatly. "Anderson sent you here."

Her words slammed into him, the dull way she said it as if she believed the worst of him.

"Shepard?"

She spun and looked him furiously in the eyes, "Tell me: did you come because you loved me or because you wanted the greybox?"

"Of course because I love you!" he exclaimed, hurt. "How could you ask me that?"

"What was Horizon then?" she argued, eyes bright with anger and surprised tears. "If you wanted to join with no ulterior motive, why not join then?"

"Because I was confused," he stated simply. "You were dead for two hellish years and then you were alive with no explanation. I thought you were a Cerberus puppet. I had my duty to the Alliance."

"And your precious _duty_ told you to come spy on me, didn't it?" she spat and made a little sarcastic gesture on the word duty. "Have you reported information?"

"Shepard, I haven't-"

"Yes or no?" she demanded. "When you check in with Anderson, do you send him information?"

Kaidan blanched. It was true. He had to report to Anderson to keep himself on the Normandy. If he didn't Anderson would assume the worst, that he had gone rogue like her. It was a tenuous situation, an Alliance officer in respectable standing being posted on a Cerberus ship without being considered a defector or traitor.

"Yes."

Shepard closed her eyes for a moment, breathing hard. "Like what?"

"Crew members, Cerberus activities."

Shepard nodded and crossed her arms uncomfortably. He was standing so close to her that he could count every freckle across her cheeks as she asked, "About me?"

"I tell him how you're doing," he admitted. His heart pounded. He knew she wouldn't like this, even though he only did it for her. He made sure every data burst to Anderson only painted her in a good light, only said good things about her leadership skills and all the people she was helping.

But he knew now that it was a fool thing to do. She would see it as betrayal.

He only did it for her. Kaidan didn't want to see her hurt by the Alliance or the Council. He didn't want to see her mission fail from outside interference.

She narrowed her eyes, "You mean if I've gone fully rogue."

"I report good things. The Council-"

"Is close to ordering a hit or something, aren't they?"

Kaidan baulked, his mouth dry as Tuchanka's soil. No way would they go that far. They couldn't.

"A hit?! No, Anderson and I won't let that happen."

"If this was all so innocent, why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you'd blow up like this," he said and waved his arms, indicating her sullen expression and even the whole room. The fish tank, the model ships, her armor, her pistol laid out on the table. The AI in the walls. The _Normandy_ and crew. All bought with blood money, paid for by a terrorist mastermind who was determined to sink his claws into the woman standing before him, who he loved more than anything.

Kaidan's heart gave a painful twinge. He was losing her again.

"You're falling under the Illusive Man's thrall and I have no idea how to get you out of it."

"It's not a _thrall_!" she exploded, her face flushing red. She stalked away from him, haughty and moved to stand in front of the fish tank, pointing her finger at him. "Fuck you and the high horse you rode in on! If you were going to lie to me, fuck me and then message Anderson on the performance review, you should have just got off the ship as soon as your leg was better, instead of leading me to believe you still cared."

Kaidan felt his own anger bubble up inside him, no one else in the galaxy able to get under his skin quite like her. She looked beautiful and remote and wild, standing there screaming at him in nothing but her underwear. How could she think that of him? After all he suffered for loving her? After those awful two years of that yawning emptiness inside? He risked everything for her love - his career, his sanity, his integrity. Everything he ever had to sustain him through his adult life.

"Of course I care. I'm in love with you!" he burst out and she flinched in surprise that he actually raised his voice. "That's the whole reason I'm here, on a Cerberus ship, doing my damndest to keep you safe. You have to realize I would never ever do this, except for you."

"Don't use our relationship to justify your lies."

"I never lied!" He protested, "I wouldn't lie to you. You're the one who keeps secrets from me."

She scoffed, rolling her eyes, "Like what? I never pretended to care just to spy on you."

"I'm not spying! You can read the messages if you want. Some days I feel like I know nothing about you. One minute I know exactly where I am and then you change the rules."

"You bastard. You're the one who knows me best. I've told you everything!"

Kaidan crossed his arms, unconsciously mirroring her stance, "How about: Your age? The fact that you're intellectually gifted? I had to find that out from Lawson. You keep things about Cerberus for me. You never tell me exactly what you and the Illusive Man speak about, all those briefings you have."

"They're my big secrets?!" she yelled. "That's what you feel justified to spy on me about? I don't care about my age, why should you? And the test was wrong. They're not accurate, you idiot."

"They are."

She shrugged, her eyes wide in frustration. "Then they mixed me up with someone else. What can I tell you about Cerberus? I don't know what you want to know! The cells are separate for their own safely, what can I say? 'Change your whole protocol for me?' And the briefings are boring, he tells me a mission and I do it."

"That's not all. He whispers things in your ear. He's a snake, Shepard, and he's getting you into a dangerous position. All these ops, they are so far outside SOP that I don't even know where to begin."

There was a pause, their breathing heavy in the still room and then she rallied, firing back, "Maybe the only reason you're here is because you know I'm your way to take down Cerberus."

"How can you say that to me?" he bit out, his heart a battered, fragile thing. "After all we've been through."

There was a heavy silence and she crossed her arms, hugging herself. Kaidan looked at the now cold hot chocolate on the desk and felt like just apologizing and taking all the angry words back so he could hug her and just go to sleep with her beside him.

He couldn't though. And neither could she.

"Maybe we've been through too much," she finally muttered.

Kaidan put all his cards on the table. Words he had been longing to say bursting out from him. "The Illusive Man has gotten to you."

He paced forward and took her face between his hands gently, bending slightly to look her seriously in the eyes and made an ultimatum, his tone forced calm and quiet, "You need to leave him. How long until his apparent willingness to use Reaper tech gets you Indoctrinated?"

"How dare you!" she pushed him away, frowning. "I wouldn't allow myself to get Indoctrinated."

"You don't have a choice, Shepard. You can't just avoid it with just a strong will. It doesn't work like that. Look at what happened with Morinth. You underestimated her," her eyes skittered away from his guiltily. "Come back to the Alliance with me," he begged. "Every day on this ship you get closer and closer to the edge."

"No. The Alliance will take away everything I've worked for these last few months. Everything I've sacrificed to defeat the Collectors. Don't you understand?"

This time she was the one to reach for him, grasping him by the front of his shirt and looked beseechingly into his eyes. They were so large and pleading, endless blue pools as she put her face so close he could lean forward an inch and kiss her. "We won't be able to be together. If they knew we slept together, you'd be transferred and I wouldn't get to see you. It would destroy your career."

They stood there for long moments, breathing heavily. Her breath was warm on his face. He could smell her sweat and that flower scent that clung to her hair. He wanted to give in, he wanted to kiss her and he knew that she spoke the truth. Their relationship was dead in the Alliance. A Cerberus warship was the one place where regs didn't apply.

He imagined if she listened to him, if she rejoined the Alliance. They'd be on separate ships or postings, gleaning scraps of information from the extranet or the news on each other, only being able to meet up on shore leave for hurried sex and rushed conversation in seedy hotels. They would try to cram a relationship that he wanted a lifetime for into a couple of weeks, a few times a year.

Kaidan couldn't live like that. Not being at her side in battle, watching her back. They were a team.

"Look," Shepard started, and reached her hand up to stroke his cheek. There were tears swimming in her eyes. "I have feelings for you. That won't ever change. Aside from that, we work well together. I'm ten times stronger with you at my side than alone or with anyone else. Join me. Fully."

Kaidan stepped away, his mouth falling open as she went on, "The Illusive Man has made me an offer. We get freedom to do what we want; the Alliance won't keep us apart."

He couldn't believe what she was saying; there was a rushing in his ears, the sounds of the ship humming and the fish tank gurgling turning into a deafening crescendo.

"We can run Cerberus the way it's meant to be, doing what's right without regs getting in the way and far better funding. The Illusive Man will listen to us." Shepard's eyes gleamed cobalt in her fervor. "Imagine what we could do, who we could help. Kids like me, who live in slums. We could have freedom to take out slavers without waiting for the go ahead from our COs."

"Listen to yourself," he bit out, horrified. "You sound like…you sound like you want _us_ to take over Cerberus. To make it into some kind of private army."

"The Illusive Man trusts me. He will make me his second in command. We can do _good_ and I want you with me. Kaidan, sometimes you have to shape your own future."

He had enough. He couldn't do this anymore. She wasn't who he thought she was two years ago. She wasn't who he thought she was even _yesterday. _Where was the woman who asked him to read to her with wonder in her eyes?

A snake had stolen her from him, whispered poison to her and filled her to the brim with doubt and hubris.

"I'm sleeping down in the crew deck," he said and his voice came out with steel laced through it.

"Sometimes, I wonder if I ever knew you at all."

Kaidan heard her swipe the tray of toast off her desk as the door whooshed shut behind him. His eyes were wet as he walked away and he heard her sob once before the sound was cut off by the elevator closing.

His heart broke for what they had done. He just wanted to be free to love her with no complications but that now seemed as foolish and dangerous as mistaking someone else's wife for your own and dreaming of dead gods.


	27. The Definition of Insanity Part 1

"So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near-

Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . ."

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields."

_-Le Petit Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry_

* * *

Shepard's eyes were scratchy. The little pit of misery in her stomach had kept her awake all night, tossing and turning in her bed after her argument with Kaidan.

She hated fighting with him, but it was like her mouth was on autopilot, unable to stop reacting to the words he said.

She was confused, exhausted, sad and angry and she had another damn meeting with the Illusive Man. He'd stepped them up lately, now they talked almost daily.

The lines of the QEC scanner played over her body, and her sensitive eyes almost flinched away from the light.

"Shepard, good morning," the Illusive Man greeted.

She nodded but stayed silent. She just wanted this over with so she could go back to hiding with Garrus in the battery and avoiding Kaidan's sad eyes.

"You're going to the Citadel today?"

"Yes," she responded. "I have business there. Garrus and Thane's last business."

The Illusive Man puffed his cigarette and exhaled, "Be careful in Citadel space. It does not have the freedom of the Terminus. How is the Reaper IFF installation coming along?"

"Good, EDI almost has it. We just need some final prep. Legion has something that he needs help with."

"Ah yes, the geth. I hope you know what you're doing."

"I do."

He took another drag of his cigarette and said, eyes gleaming, "Your gambles have paid off before. Let's hope it continues."

Shepard thought that it was a good thing they'd eliminated the carcinogens in cigarettes or he would have been riddled with cancer years ago.

"And Alenko, is he coming with you to hit the Collectors?"

She shifted on her feet.

_'Sometimes, I wonder if I ever knew you at all.'_

"I don't know."

The Illusive Man stood and gestured to her with his cigarette, the ash flying, dying embers dashing through the air. "I think it's for the best Alenko didn't come. You should leave him behind. If for no other reason, than you obviously care about his well-being and there's no guarantee anyone will come back alive."

Shepard shook her head, her voice hard. "Kaidan's a soldier."

The older man shrugged. "But he's not just a soldier or comrade to you, is he?"

She said nothing and made an effort not to cross her arms or blink. There'd already been far too much weakness from her in front of men lately.

"Shepard, this is reality. You have to be completely prepared to hit the Collectors, you cannot afford any distractions or you will fail." He sat back down, and picked up his drink, saying around the glass rim, "Or you will get someone killed, maybe even him."

"He might not leave voluntarily."

"Then drive him away," he said coldly. "You have had…words. It shouldn't be hard."

Shepard asked indignantly, "You know?"

"Unfortunately, EDI does not always discriminate in the audio logs she sends me. They were mixed up in mission briefings, it was unavoidable I heard your argument."

The Illusive Man hoisted on his face an expression that on any other person might have been a small warm smile. It just reminded her of a dog with far too many sharp teeth in his mouth. Shepard took a small step back uncertainly, surprised by his effort. "I appreciated your attempts to make him see sense and I thank you for that," he continued. "It was just unfortunate they were in vain. He would be an excellent agent. I'm thinking of setting up some more shock troopers, and he could have had full command. We have some promising young biotics he could have taught."

"I see," she said with a herculean effort to keep emotion out of voice. "Like I've said before, I would prefer if you left my relationship to me to handle."

"Of course, my apologies. But it's for the best that he is no longer aboard. You know this."

Shepard suppressed a sigh. She'd known that since the moment she'd seen his eyes darken at the Cerberus logos. But she needed him and she had been selfish. It was so hard to let him go when he slept beside her, when he kissed her, when his skin was warm and comforting after so long without him.

"I'll take it under advisement."

"Good."

* * *

Shepard left the briefing room, rubbing her arm disconsolately. It hurt this morning, the bone stiff and throbbing. She flexed it experimentally and was rewarded with a starburst of hot pain. She'd lain on it awkwardly without Kaidan's front as a soft wall to tame her wild sleeping habits.

How could she ask him to leave? Not just because of the hurt she'd see on his face, but how much it would hurt _her_ to force the words from her mouth. She didn't want him to go. But she didn't want to risk his life on the suicide mission they would run any day now.

She was so preoccupied with her thoughts that as she left the room she smacked straight into someone's chest and hot coffee spilled onto her front. She yelped.

"Shit!" Kaidan swore and put the cup on the ground to pat her chest with his sleeve. "I'm sorry."

Shepard swore, the hot liquid searing her skin, and pulled her damp shirt away from her chest. "No, no," she gasped. "My fault, I wasn't watching where I was going."

They stood there awkwardly and she finally lifted her eyes to look into his. They were a bit red.

"Hey," she sighed.

"Hey."

Kaidan reached down to the ground and picked up the half-spilled cup of coffee.

He held it out to her awkwardly and said, "I um, brought you some coffee. I uh…I didn't sleep a wink last night and I figured neither did you."

Shepard smiled sadly and wrapped her fingers around the warm cup. "No. I didn't. I hate when we fight."

She paced over tiredly to the hall's wall and leant against it, taking a deep gulp of the liquid.

"Thanks," she mumbled as it slid down her throat, sweet and comforting. "You put three and a half sugars in. No one ever remembers."

Shepard breathed deeply and the tears that were itching to gather at her eyes never materialized.

Kaidan smiled, a barely discernible lift of his mouth, and moved to lean against the wall with her, folding his arms across his chest. "Ash used to laugh at how much sugar we ate."

"Good for quick energy."

There was an awkward silence and the he broke it by saying. "Talking to the Illusive Man?"

"Yeah." She nodded, "Going to the Citadel."

He hummed in acknowledgement but said nothing.

Shepard let her legs turn loose and she slid down the wall to sit at its base. She put a hand to her eyes, pressing hard enough to see stars and said quietly, "I'm sorry. I lost my temper last night again."

"It's ok," Kaidan replied and slid down next to her. "You always were fiery."

"More like a bitch," she scoffed self-deprecatingly.

"Nope." Without meaning to, as if it was natural as breathing, Kaidan slid his arm around her shoulders and she leaned into his side. She clutched her cup tight as he said to her hair, "I'm too much of a wet blanket."

"Well, something has to put the fire out, right?"

He laughed a sad little sound with no humor, "Yeah."

There was another pause, this one not so awkward. Shepard felt his muscles tense against her, heard him breathing slightly harshly. "You ok?" she asked.

"I've got a pounding headache."

Shepard immediately made to stand. If he had a headache it could turn into a migraine and she couldn't stand to see him like that. "I'll get some meds-"

He grabbed her hand, pulling her back down. "No, it's fine. Just sit with me. I took some before."

"Alright," she agreed reluctantly and drank the rest of her coffee. As she sat the empty cup on the ground she screwed up her courage and broached the painful topic they had a yelling match over last night. "You can understand where I'm coming from, can't you?"

She felt more than saw him shake his head. "I'm having a hard time."

"Where do you think the best seats in the house will be when the Reapers roll through now?" She felt his body jerk slightly at the reminder of what he said to her two years ago. "Because the Collectors are just an extension of them. They still want to kill us all. Two years ago, what we did was just a delaying action."

Kaidan didn't answer, and she barreled ahead.

"So they tried to cut off the head of the resistance. And they succeeded." His arm tightened around her shoulders. "They killed me and it set us all back, I couldn't prepare, or watch or prepare the Alliance Parliament or the Council. If they would have even listened to me," she finished bitterly.

She rubbed a hand at her eyes again and continued, "And I wake up and everything is shit. Everything. I went to the Citadel as soon as I could, the Council wouldn't listen, and Anderson made clear what the Alliance thought of me."

He protested, "You still have your loyalists."

"What? You, Anderson and two other soldiers? No," she scoffed. "They couldn't be convinced."

"So I dealt with that rejection as best I could. And Cerberus has helped me." Her eyes drifted to the logo on the wall, and Kaidan's long healed leg stretched out in front of her beside her own. "Without them, every man, woman and child in the Terminus would be taken. You would be dead, Kaidan. Horizon would have been wiped out."

"I didn't abandon the Alliance." She turned her head to look him in the eye, her gaze fierce and he met it calmly, just listening to her. "Why would I? They were my whole life. They abandoned me. They spat in the face of all Ash had fought for, all that we did in defense of the galaxy. And I don't know if it's politically motivated, or they're just scared. But I can't _afford_ to be scared and hope someone else will handle it."

"Cerberus is the only ones standing up and fighting for the lost. And I want to stand with them. I won't ask you again." She reached out and took his hand in hers, feeling the bumps and rough patches. It wrapped around her smaller, smoother one. "I know your feelings on them, but I can't just do _nothing_ when there is still breath left in my body. And Cerberus put that breath back inside me."

She lifted her gaze from their hands, meeting his amber eyes again. She said seriously, "If you could guarantee that the Alliance would do something about the Collectors, if you could guarantee they wouldn't marginalize me and make me an example of a loony who speaks out against the status quo, I would have surrendered myself ages ago. But you can't, can you?"

Kaidan looked away. "…No."

"I quit now? I turn my back on the opportunities the Illusive Man has given me? And that's me taking the coward's easy way out. Exactly what I did when I was a kid and things got too tough."

Tears sprung to her eyes then but she ignored them and said with anguish in her voice, "I don't know what you want from me. What you're asking me to do is sit back and hope for the best. To turn my back on everyone who counts on me. And I'm asking the same of you but I have no idea what else to do. With Cerberus we could make a difference."

They looked at each other steadily, her gaze flickering to his lips and back to his eyes. She knew that this might be the last goodbye. He saw the tears in her eyes, and his hand came up to cup her cheek, his brow wrinkled in the same conflict she felt inside.

She had no idea what this day would hold. What the Citadel would mean for them.

She started leaning in, and his eyes drifted shut and she was inches from his lips-

"Shepard, good to see you! And Alenko." The tech lab door whooshed open and Mordin appeared.

"Sitting on the floor?" he said, his eyes bright and curious. "Human ritual? For health? Relaxation?"

"No, Mordin." She sighed and pulled back. She was sure her expression of sadness and chagrin mirrored the one she saw on Kaidan's face. "We're just sitting."

"Ah," the salarian exclaimed. "Strange. Humans always been peculiar."

Shepard stood.

"I'm gonna go check on Legion and change my shirt. Thanks for the coffee."

As she turned to walk away he called to her and she turned to see him still sitting on the floor, somehow smaller than she had ever pictured him being, even when she knew he towered over her.

"Shepard, I don't want to put your fire out, but you need to be careful to not set yourself alight."

She nodded and brushed by Mordin, "Noted."

* * *

When Shepard and Mordin had left Kaidan sat there for long moments, his head in his hands.

Then he took a deep breath and stood, striding through the briefing room doors.

He did what he had watched Shepard do before and stepped onto the QEC pad. He didn't blink or move his head as the lights played over him. He took a deep calming breath, glad that apparently EDI trusted him enough to allow him to connect.

He felt anger in his heart, his pulse pounding a tattoo of rage in his ears.

The Illusive Man looked up in surprise, spinning in his chair as he worked on his screens. Kaidan watched him, the light from the burning star silhouetting him in hellfire.

"You're not Shepard," the older man said calmly.

"I'm not," Kaidan growled. "I'm here to tell you something: leave her alone. Let her do her mission but stop twisting everything to your favor."

"I say nothing but the facts." The Illusive Man smiled sarcastically. "I'm sorry if they are inconvenient to your Alliance sensibilities."

"I know what you're doing." Kaidan stepped forward on the pad, narrowing his eyes. "I know what you are. I'm not afraid of your shadows or your secrets and lies."

"You should be. You have no idea what I am capable of doing. How deeply I could wound you if I so choose."

"I've known bullies. And in the end, they can never stand up to strong people, like Shepard. She'll end you, one way or the other."

The Illusive Man stood and walked over to Kaidan, and stood so close they were almost face-to-face. They were the same height, he noted.

"Not _you_? I thought you liked to play knight in shining armor? I know all about Ms Rahna Yılmaz and a stupid, murderous teenage boy," the older man taunted.

Kaidan felt the heat in his blood, remembered the way he and Shepard had wounded each other last night. "If I could get my hands on you…you would pay for what you've done."

"What _I've_ done?" The Illusive Man gestured with his cigarette. "How about what _you've_ done? Did you ever think for a _second_, two years ago, what a massive mistake you were making, how vulnerable you were leaving Shepard? But you didn't think with your big brain." The older man's eyes flicked up and down his body disdainfully. "That's the problem, son."

"Shepard is my best friend. She's my partner." Kaidan stood closer, wishing he could step off the QEC pad to face the man he so loathed. "We make each other stronger. What you're doing is manipulating her, making her weaker and-"

"Weaker? No, no. She's one of the strongest biotics humanity has, thanks to me. She's alive, thanks to me. A fact you should be down on your knees thanking me for."

"I'll never bow to you."

The Illusive Man smiled again, that humorless grin that said he knew all the secrets in the world but would never tell until the time was right to hurt someone. "But I gave you back everything you ever lost."

"To steal it away again."

The older man stalked away and called over his shoulder, "I'm not sure what you're here for. I think your problems are not of my making, but maybe they're ones that you just can't accept. You're not the right man for her. The Alliance isn't the right place for her skills. And she can always come _home _to Cerberus."

The Illusive Man raised his arms widely, as if waiting for Shepard to run into them. His eyes gleamed at Kaidan in mocking amusement.

"Over my dead body," Kaidan spat.

"That can be arranged."

Kaidan stood still, fury coursing through his veins. Something happened then, that hadn't happened since he was a teenager – he flared unconsciously and uncontrollably, blue wisps dancing over his skin, burning his eyes blue and snaking over his balled fists.

He wished he was corporeal, he wished he could let some of his rage pour out at that man who could be the death of Shepard. With effort he breathed and tried to stop the dark energy escaping.

The Illusive Man sat back down and eyed his display coolly unconcerned.

"Now get out of my office. EDI, terminate the connection."

Kaidan blinked and suddenly he was left staring at the briefing room wall, impotent rage and the prospect of the Citadel cold comfort.

The man didn't even have the guts to face him.


	28. The Definition of Insanity Part 2

Harkin cowered under Garrus' boot and Shepard stood impassively watching. Blood spurted from his nose, and he tried to cover his balls in vain. She had smirked when Garrus had held him against the wall and kneed him in the crotch. Kaidan had made a strangled noise beside her.

She had taken Garrus, Kaidan and chased after Harkin, his identity as Fade revealed and the one who was shielding Sidonis. The mechs and Blue Suns had been easy for them to tear through, the men's Overload and her biotics making child's play of their defenses.

Now Garrus attempted to beat Sidonis' location out of the man who had once called Shepard 'Princess' and touched her ass and she took a small satisfaction in the turian having his revenge. If only she could have hers.

Garrus went to drive his boot into Harkin's side and Kaidan moved.

"Garrus, stop!" he yelled, and threw the turian into the nearby wall, holding him back, his hand thrown across Garrus' large armor chest piece. "You don't need to torture him. He'll tell us."

"Fuck off, Alenko!" Garrus shoved back, trying to remove Kaidan from his path, but the human male held firm as Harkin groaned on the floor.

Shepard stepped in, "Kaidan, let him go. Garrus, that's enough."

"But Shepard-" the turian protested.

"He'll tell us now. Won't you, _Princess_?" she said to Harkin.

"Screw you, bitch," the former C-SEC agent spat. "I don't give out client information. It's bad for business."

"Watch your mouth," Kaidan warned and in his distraction Garrus brushed by him and kicked Harkin again. This time he spat blood onto the cold tiles.

"Hey!" Shepard censured, her voice cold, and pulled him away. "Garrus, I said _enough_. He's not our target, and you beat him anymore, you'll kill him."

She pulled Harkin up from the floor and shoved him in the direction of the console.

He glared at her balefully and mumbled, "I'll set up a meeting."

"Smart move, Princess," she said and glared back.

He had a short conversation and turned back to her. "He'll meet you in front of the Orbital Lounge. So if our business is done, I'll just be going…"

Harkin made to leave and Garrus grabbed him.

"I don't think so." The turian clutched him tightly, his talons drawing spots of blood on his arms. "You're a criminal now Harkin."

"So what? You're just gonna kill me? That's not your style Garrus."

Kaidan walked up beside them and pried Garrus' talons off of the man. "And it's not mine," he said and pulled Harkin away from Garrus, subtly placing him behind his body. "I won't allow it, Garrus."

"This isn't your show, Alenko." Garrus shoved past Kaidan and pulled out his gun, "Kill you, Harkin? No, not my style. But I don't mind slowing you down."

Kaidan reached for the gun and Shepard opened her mouth to stop him, but it was too late for Kaidan to do anything anyway.

Harkin collapsed howling in pain on the ground, his leg a bloody mess.

Kaidan sighed, and Shepard shrugged at him, "He deserved it."

The three of them made to leave and Shepard turned back to tell Harkin, "You're lucky. I wouldn't have shot you there and you could have kissed goodbye to ever having any disgusting spawn."

"Fuck you, you crazy bitch. Fucking hell." He sobbed, tears leaking down his face as he clutched the bullet wound in his leg. "Go screw the both of your little guard dogs like the whore you are."

"Poor little baby," Shepard taunted, grinning and walking backwards out of the room. "I'm still the one walking out of here, and you're the one who C-SEC will put in a cell. Don't forget to have your cell mates call you Princess, ok? I'll make sure to call some nice medics for you."

She blew him a mock kiss and sauntered out.

* * *

The transport ride was tense, Kaidan a ball of disapproving energy in the back seat and Garrus a silent thunder in the driver's. Shepard shifted uneasily, the leather creaking beneath her too loud in the hushed atmosphere.

Kaidan leaned forward and said to Shepard, "You need to cool down. What happened with Harkin wasn't necessary."

"Shut up, Alenko." Garrus interjected on her behalf. "She's just treating scum how they deserve to be treated. If you can't handle it, you should head back to the _Normandy_."

"Garrus, cut it out!" she barked. "You speak to him again like that and you'll be the one heading back to the _Normandy_."

"Right." Garrus nodded contritely at her rebuke. "I'm sorry, Kaidan."

"It's ok," he responded. "I know you're angry. But you need to get it under control. We can arrest Sidonis and he'll pay."

"Arrest? You must be joking." Garrus scoffed, his voice seeming to reverb with extra flanging in his rage. "What do you think we're here for?"

Kaidan leaned back a little in surprise and asked, "Shepard? Tell me we're not…?"

She said nothing.

"Jesus Christ," he breathed. "You brought me on an execution."

"It's not an execution." She protested but knew she was lying. "I thought that…I don't know. I thought that you agreed Sidonis needs to pay?"

"Yeah, in a cell! Not like this. This is murder."

"It's justice," Garrus said darkly, his eyes black pits. "You're a career soldier, Kaidan. You've murdered before."

Kaidan bit out, "I've killed in defense, with rules of engagement in place. This is pre-meditated."

"Who's going to bring Sidonis to justice if I don't?" Garrus said. "Nobody else knows what he's done. Nobody else cares."

Shepard bit her lip, worrying at it. She sympathized with Garrus, but Kaidan…

Garrus finished, mandibles flapping angrily, "And I don't see any other options."

Kaidan shook his head. She watched him closely, her eyes locked on the transport's mirror into the back seat. "There's always another way."

They arrived and Garrus bundled out of the car. "I need to set up. There's a good spot over there." He pointed to a balcony, his rifle slung across his back.

"You just want me to get him in position?" Shepard asked.

"Basically. Keep him talking and when I've got him in my sights I'll let you know."

Shepard shifted into the driver's seat as Kaidan slid to the front.

Garrus nodded to her as she shut the door and said into her comm's earpiece, "Give me a signal so I know you're ready, and I'll take the shot."

* * *

Shepard and Kaidan got out of the transport in the middle of the crowded Zakera Ward. She saw an alleyway that would cut to the lounge that Sidonis was waiting in front of and started down it.

Kaidan jogged to keep up and once she was in the alleyway, their conversation covered by the babble of the Ward and in relative privacy, he reached out to grab her arm and halt her progress.

He noted with sick twist of irony, that this was the same alleyway he had scuffled with the Cerberus spy in, and the one the spy had committed suicide in, all for a tiny amount of data on Shepard.

"You're not doing this!" he said, aware his voice was too loud, but emphatic that she wasn't going to become a cold-blooded killer.

She struggled a little to his surprise, and then pushed him against the wall, so closely pressed against him her breasts brushed against his chest.

"I want you to think really hard about this, Kaidan," she whispered fiercely. "Not even today, I want you to think of it months from now, a year from now. I want you to take all the time you need and really consider: what would you do to someone who murdered the one you love most? Someone you're supposed to protect and you didn't stop it? How far would you go for love? Could you really cling to your integrity, to your black and white, when no one else plays by those rules?"

He shook his head, as her breath puffed heavy against his cheek. He was still holding her arm but somehow it had shifted so they were clutching each other's hand. Kaidan couldn't tell if he was restraining her, or the other way around. "This isn't about you, this is about Garrus."

"Sidonis murdered his crew. He let the gangs slip knives into their backs, slit their throats, and executed them with bullets in the brain. He might not have used his own hands, but it's still on him. He's a rat."

Kaidan felt a little part of him fray from the stress, from how far the crew on the SR2 would go. Garrus had always been a hot-head, and so had Shepard, but never like this.

"Have you ever felt responsible for someone?" She continued, wide-eyed and wild. Her voice was something he had never heard before, ragged. "That their pain was your pain? Held someone in your arms and couldn't bear the thought of something happening to them?"

"Of course I know. I lost _you_, Shepard!" he exploded.

She shook her head. "I wasn't _your_ responsibility but _I _was the one responsible for Joker. I did what I had to, even if I never wanted to hurt you like that. And it's the same now. Garrus is my responsibility."

Kaidan let go of her hand and stepped back, hopelessly pacing in the alleyway. He thought he could still see drops of blood in the alleyway, but it was probably his imagination.

He started, stammering in his attempt to explain his feelings to her. "You might not have felt like that Shepard, but when you love a woman…W-when I love someone, I want to keep them safe. I let you down; I failed in my duty to you - to keep you whole, and happy and healthy."

"I was your _Commander_," she corrected, earnest and open, her eyes so large and honest in a bid to make him listen to her. "We mixed business and pleasure and things got very complicated and risky. We can't separate that anymore. And I'm so sorry for putting you in that position. Now and then."

"I _wanted_ to be in that position." Kaidan raked a hand through his hair, desperately trying to control the conversation. It was all coming to a head, he knew, all the weeks of tension between him and Shepard.

"I know and so did I." She smiled sadly. "But we never should have let it go that far."

"We can't ever take it back," he said, his face blazing fiercely, letting the love he felt for her show through. "And I don't want to."

"I wouldn't wish to take back a single moment I spent with you." She took his hand in hers. "Even with…everything. You were a kindness and you make me happy."

"So why are you doing this?" Kaidan gestured to the end of the alleyway. "Let Sidonis go, tell C-SEC. Have him arrested."

Kaidan frowned, trying to understand her rationale. Deep down, some small part of her must have wanted him to talk to her, to argue with her, even unconsciously. To stop her. Why else would she bring him and not someone who would go along with a murder, no questions asked?

Shepard frowned and bit her lip, her eyes casting around as if searching for the words in the air. "Let me put it this way, those days, years while I was…gone. Did you want revenge, for what happened over Alchera?"

"…Yes."

Of course he did. He wanted to end that ship. He wanted to take out some of the rage he felt on the ones that had stolen her.

"But you couldn't have it, could you?"

"No."

Anderson stonewalled him, made him talk to a counselor, shuffled him to safe assignments until his rage had cooled and he started grieving properly.

"You felt powerless? Like the one, most important job you had in the world you failed at?"

Kaidan cupped her face between his larger hands, looking her in the eyes. "I didn't want you to leave me. But you did, and nothing I could have done would've brought you back. You were lost to me and every day I had to tell myself to just keep going without you."

He took a deep breath and knew the words he was going to say next would hurt her and possibly drive her further away. But he couldn't let her and Garrus run around executing people. "Getting myself killed looking for revenge, or justice or railing against the stars wouldn't bring you back and it won't _ever_ bring Milo or Garrus' squad back."

She reeled back, her eyes wide at his daring to mention her brother. To get to the heart of the issue and her willingness to let Garrus have his red revenge.

He didn't let her retreat or put her walls up or even rally her anger into another screaming match.

"Shepard." He stepped forward and grasped her hand tighter even as she tried to pull away. "You aren't judge, jury and executioner."

She spat back, her eyes azure fire, "And you don't know how it feels to lose someone who trusts you, whose whole life is in your hands."

Kaidan gathered his courage and said gently, "Milo wasn't your son. He wasn't your responsibility. You can't impose some twisted version of-of…"

"Of what?" she demanded.

"Some twisted version of over-protectiveness and…misplaced maternal instinct. You fuss over the crew; you sacrifice your own needs for them. You do whatever is asked of you, even if it hurts you in the process. And sometimes even when it's not best for them. You know Kasumi won't let go of Okuda with her greybox to remind her every day."

She was looking at him hatefully, but he knew that she couldn't truthfully deny his words. Everyone knew that Commander Shepard would do anything for her crew, her greatest weakness and her greatest strength. He knew her, and he knew that every word he spoke was true. He just never had the courage to say it to her face before. "You're so fierce in your love that it drives you to extremes and you feel everything too deeply. You need to not let _him_ use that," he finished, his thoughts flashing to this morning and that man with his dying star.

"That's not true." She protested weakly, eyes shimmering. "I'm just doing my duty as a Commander."

"No Commander does what you do."

Kaidan threw caution to the wind and wrapped his arms around her, and to his surprise she reciprocated, hugging him tightly to her.

"Your brother's death wasn't your fault," he whispered fiercely to her hair. "Your mother beating him and you wasn't your fault. Garrus losing his squad wasn't your fault. What the Reapers and the Collectors have done isn't your fault. You're a good person with a kind heart, no matter what you do for people." He swallowed, working on breathing past the lump in his throat, semi-horrified at his own daring to confront her on her behavior. "Working yourself to the bone, lowering yourself to your enemies' level, until you have eroded everything that makes you unique and kind and beautiful and funny, won't make up for what the Collectors have done. It just destroys you. And I can't let you do that to yourself.

"Please stop," she said and he knew she was crying. Her hands clutched at his back, alternating between trying to push him away and pulling him closer.

"Just let go," he urged, his own eyes filling with tears at her ragged sobbing, and her body shaking as it folded against him. She needed to let go of her anger, of her hate, of her old hurts or just allow the Illusive Man to keep playing her like a fiddle. She would lead her own crew down dark paths or let Garrus drag her into vengeance.

"I can't."

"You can." He rubbed a hand down her spine comfortingly and felt her bury her face in his neck, her breath coming in harsh, hot puffs. "Garrus cares about you, no matter what. He trusts your judgement."

They stood pressed together, wavering in the alleyway and he knew this was his one last chance to get through to her and her choice on just how far she would go, how far she would allow her death and those two years to change her.

"Shepard, do you feel me holding you so tightly? This is me not letting go, ok? I know who you are. And this isn't you."

Shepard suddenly threw his arms away and pushed him away from her. He got one last glimpse of her tear stained cheeks before she dashed a hand at her eyes and strode out of the alleyway towards Sidonis.

Kaidan didn't follow. He sat in the grime where he had once sat beside a cooling corpse and waited for the gun shot.

He shook the whole time, focused on the grimy ground and the sick feeling in his stomach. He didn't know if he could love a murderer, even if Sidonis deserved it.

He waited and waited but the gun shot never came. And eventually she reappeared in the alleyway, her face blank.

He stood, wanting to vomit with relief. He had actually gotten through to her.

She walked slowly over to him and stood in front of him. Her eyes told him what his heart already knew. It was over. Last night and today had been the tipping point.

"You went to the edge, Shepard. And I can't fall with you next time."

She nodded, her hair bouncing around her face. The hair he wouldn't see splayed on morning sheets anymore, the hair he wouldn't be able to bury his nose in again, just to smell the flowers.

"I think it's time you went back to the Alliance," she croaked, tears that weren't in her eyes, in her voice.

He knew what she would ask, but he didn't want to do it. He couldn't walk away again. "Shep…"

"I'm not doing you any good. I'm wrecking your career, I'm hurting you, and I'm dragging you down with me. I'm ruining us."

"No."

"Kaidan, we were just having a…_meltdown_ in an alleyway," she sighed. "I have no objectivity anymore. How long before I end up manipulating you without even knowing it? How long until I use sex as a weapon, until I use your love against you? I don't want to be like that. We have no distance, no professionalism. I don't know-"

"I don't want to leave you." He reached a hand out, smoothing one of her silky wayward strands.

"And I don't want you to leave. But we both know how this works. The Alliance needs someone besides Anderson to make sure they prepare for the Reapers. I need to know you'll be ok…even without me."

Alarm raced through him. "Without you? Shepard, you can't-"

"And I'm not going to." She nodded, her face cold, hard determination. "I'm coming back alive. And I'm going to sort everything out between the Illusive Man and the Alliance, maybe we can cut some sort of deal or cooperation." She shrugged. "I don't know…something. But the Collectors need to die. Now."

Kaidan's headache was back and he knew later he would be crippled with one of the worst migraines of his life. "This is what you want?"

"No, it isn't," Shepard stated and smiled fondly. "I want us back on that hot planet, where we could go swimming or make love all day or eat ice cream in bed in our underwear. But…but we can't go back."

"We can. You can. You're Alliance at heart." He argued, "What you said in your cabin? About how they'll tear us apart? It doesn't have to be like that, ok? We can be together if we don't serve together. We can see each other."

"But how often?" she said, broken voiced and husky at his temptation. "Just ships passing in the night?"

"Couples make it work on separate postings." He said, full of quiet hope and desperation. "We could have that. We could stay a secret."

Kaidan stood in that tiny little alleyway in the Wards and said something that he never imagined would go like this. He had thought of champagne, English Bay and a diamond. Not an alleyway in which he'd once fought to the death, with a woman who was breaking up with him and he was trying to lure away from a terrorist organization.

"We…we could get married." He held his breath as her eyes widened and he barreled on. "The brass doesn't come down so hard on married couples; it shows that we're not just irresponsible. They couldn't do anything as long as we kept on separate assignments. They have spousal dispensations we could apply for-"

"Kaidan…" she sighed, looking away from his face. "You'd marry me just to get by some regs?"

"No. I'd marry you because I love you."

Shepard put a hand on her mouth, breathing raggedly and struggling not to cry and he knew the answer was 'no.' His heart fell, even though he knew it was a long shot.

"Kaidan…look at us." She gestured around the alleyway, to herself. "What are we doing?"

"We're trying."

"I was seconds from murdering that turian with Garrus." She said bluntly. "What would you have done? You would have watched me and you would have grown to hate who I am."

Kaidan shook his head, he could never hate her. But he didn't deny that he didn't know what he would have done if she had went ahead with the execution. He had to walk away for both their sakes.

He took her face between his hands again and told her, "Don't…don't let him tell you you're not a good person, because you are. You always have been. You've just lost your way. God I wish…I wish Alchera had never happened. I don't know how to-"

He broke off, heartbroken and numb.

She pulled her hands away and said, "I don't regret us for a second."

"Me neither."

"You need to take this." He flared his 'tool and made her's come to life, setting up a data transfer. "I want you to have a reminder of what they are capable of. I need you to remember this."

"What is it?" She looked at her 'tool, at the lines of data holographically streaming from Kaidan's and joining hers.

"The data I stole from that Cerberus spy I told you about. It's the true face of Cerberus, and I want you to keep an eye on all their heads, not just the ones they show you."

"I can handle him." She frowned as the omni-tool beeped to say the transfer was complete. "I promise."

"I want…I want you to tell me if you need help, ok?" Kaidan was aware he was babbling and being overprotective but he couldn't stop it. He wouldn't be there anymore. "And I'll come for you. Anderson and I will extract you, and the crew if needed. Just please, don't go out so deep that I can't swim out to save you from drowning."

"I won't." She shook her head again and smiled crookedly. It didn't meet her eyes. "We're adults, right? We'll be fine."

There was another silence, the sounds of the Ward fading away.

Shepard took a step back, putting distance between them. "This has to be the last time we walk away from each other."

"I'm…I'm never going to stop caring about you," Kaidan croaked, swallowing and letting the wetness at his eyes dry with iron-clad, practiced control.

Shepard smiled again, a bitter, tiny thing. "I'm not going to kiss you goodbye."

He swallowed again, clenching his jaw against the pain in his chest.

Shepard stood back and saluted him, crisp and parade inspection perfect. "It was an honor serving with you, Staff Commander Alenko. Sir."

_'Sir.'_

"You don't have to call me that."

"It's decorum," she said, her voice the tone it would take when she spoke to Hackett or Mikhailovich. "You're the ranking officer. We're professionals from now on. And we're not on the _Normandy_ and you're not under my command anymore. We should get used to it."

Kaidan hated it. He hated the Alliance and Cerberus and he hated her and he hated himself. He wanted to rage against them, to take Shepard's hand and run away from it all and not come back.

Instead he stood straight, steel in his back and thought of what his father would have done. He made the best salute of his life and responded, "It was my honor serving with you, Lieutenant Commander Shepard."

And they walked away from each other. He looked back once and saw her shoulders were shaking, just before the dark brown stands of her messy hair cleared the end of the alleyway and she left his life again.

* * *

"Anderson, we need to do something."

Kaidan burst into the Councilor's office, wild eyed. He knew his hair would be messy, his armor scraped from the last mission with Shepard and the headache boring into his temple made him squint against the light.

Anderson stood from his desk in shock, eyeing his appearance and less than calm expression. "Kaidan? What are you doing here?"

"We lost her." He babbled, surging fully into the office and stopping at his desk, "We need a plan. We need contingencies."

"Sit down, son. You look terrible."

Anderson planted him in front of the desk and poured him a shot of whiskey.

He knocked it back and ran a hand through his hair. "I screwed up, Anderson. I underestimated the Illusive Man."

"I think we all have." Anderson settled into the chair next to him, nodding sagely as if he expected what would happen. "He uses secrecy and lies like a sword and shield and is a master at subterfuge. And Shepard fights bloody and dirty, not boardrooms and careful negotiations. She's a soldier, not a politician."

"I tried. But I just drove her away. She asked me to go with her, to help turn Cerberus around, to lead with her. But how could I do that?"

Anderson patted him roughly on the shoulder. "She's…she's just trying to do what she thinks is best. I know her, son." The older man settled back in his chair, his eyes growing distant as he thought of a younger Shepard. "She doesn't…" Anderson sighed and tried again, "She wants to fix things and make them right, but she doesn't realize that Cerberus is rotten to the core and there's no controlling it. She has to destroy it or have them destroy her. She's always liked to try and control things."

"Anderson." He sat forward and met the darker pair of brown eyes vehemently. "She's a good person. I know it."

"And I know it too," Anderson said seriously and stood, shuffling datapads and papers behind his desk, his face grim.

"I was worried it would come to this. We'll sort it out. Things are going to get tough; will you be ok with your…"Anderson raised his eyebrows, "-conflict of interest?"

"Yes. Whatever it takes to get her away from Cerberus."

Anderson shook his head, eyeing Kaidan, his loss of composure. "You grew close again, I take it?"

"We couldn't stop it." Kaidan didn't know what to say, how could he say it was easier to bend gravity to his will than it was to even try and stop loving her?

"She's…magnetic."

Anderson growled and Kaidan flinched away from his angry expression. "That's a bullshit excuse, son, and you know it. You made the same damn mistake you made two years ago because of your inability to keep it in your pants."

He said nothing in reply, a flash of Shepard's smooth skin, husky whisper and bare hips his damning indictment.

Anderson demanded, slamming some papers on the desk, "You ever heard that expression, 'the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome?'"

"Yeah," Kaidan almost whispered. "It wasn't insane loving her."

The older soldier made a disapproving noise in the back of his throat and continued, "Right now? You're all I've got in this fight. And I know what it's like with her. So I'm going to let it slide this time. If my hands were free, if I were Alliance instead of a politician? I didn't get this reputation for being a hardass by patting my officers on the back for fraternizing."

"Sir, yes, sir." Kaidan stood, military training reasserting itself at Anderson's authority.

"This might take a hell of a lot from you." Anderson made some taps on his omni-tool and Kaidan could see it was an Alliance duty roster he was drawing up for approval. "I want you to take a few days, shower, shave, put your blue uniform back on. I want you to breathe Alliance until you forget about that Cerberus ship. You need to get your head on straight; essentially you were on an op for a long time. You need to clear your mind of the relationship."

He let his 'tool fade away then looked seriously at Kaidan. "Then I want you back here and ready to go and _you will be_ completely professional again. And I know you have that in you, Alenko."

"Yes, sir."

"I need to call in a lot of favors, pull strings, and work and bargain with Udina." The old solider sat at his desk, pulling up windows at his console. "This isn't going to be easy, but this suit has some pull to it. Udina knows how to play politics and we'll get it done. I've laid the groundwork, greased some palms. We need you to stand up for humanity, against Cerberus and Shepard if needed."

Kaidan knew what he was saying and realized with a jolt what he was going to ask him to do. It had been brewing, Anderson working so closely with him, Shepard's almost defection laying heavily on the Council's and humanities' political machinations.

"I won't…hurt her Anderson." Kaidan refused. "I won't take her down."

Anderson slanted him an angry look. "You will if it's for her own good." He shook his head, and the older man's eyes gleamed shrewdly. "And I'm banking on the fact you won't hurt her. You think the likes of Vasir and Bau will let her defect to Cerberus if ordered to stop it by the Council? You think they'll let her walk away breathing?"

"No." Kaidan clutched for the desk to steady himself, images of a bullet hole in Shepard's brain flashing through his mind. "What do we do? Oh god. She was right, wasn't she? The Council is worried? They're going to-?"

"Not yet." Anderson shook his head. "But she's on thin ice and we'll be there to catch her if she falls. They always send other Spectres to clean up Spectre 'problems'. You saw it yourself first-hand two years ago."

"Shepard's next movements will decide for us and you need to be ready." Anderson ushered him to the door, clapping him on the shoulder again. "I know she's strong enough to take down the Collectors but we need to see if she's strong enough to stand against the Illusive Man."

"I'll be ready." Kaidan promised, steely determination gripping him. "I'm not letting her go to her death a second time. She's not going down in flames again."

* * *

Shepard helped Thane in the afternoon, helping his son reunite with him. She wore a mask, so hard and impervious even Garrus couldn't tell what had happened, save for the absence of Kaidan. She shut down any of his attempts to question her and ordered him back to the ship, sending for Samara and Thane.

After she left the Citadel, she went up to her cabin, and threw up in the toilet until great, fat tears rolled down her face. She let out the nausea she had been feeling, the heartsickness, the anger and the catharsis from the alleyway. Then she stood shakily, sat at her desk and tried in vain to make sense of some datapads, streams of information on the Suicide Mission playing in front of her eyes.

"EDI?" she said quietly.

"Yes, Shepard?"

"How is Garrus?"

"He is looking at the names etched into his visor. His vitals are normal."

"Ok." She tapped her nails on the desk, looking away from Kaidan's portrait and the evidence of his life with her on the SR2. "I'm working for the night, no interruptions except for an emergency."

The AI paused. "Jeff is…concerned. He would prefer I watch over you."

"Thanks, EDI. But I'll be fine."

"Operative Lawson has asked for updates but I shall tell her you are busy. Logging you out, Shepard."

Shepard gave up on her datapads an hour later and curled up on the couch, shaking. A chill came over her then and she drew the blankets up. Something thumped onto the floor. It was her book, where Kaidan had last left it. The blankets still smelt like him and a rush of homesickness barreled through her.

She stood and wrapped her book in one of his old shirts, and buried it carefully in her bedside drawer. Then she slept and did not dream except for the color of amber and coffee warm in the back of her throat.


	29. Heretical Death

_Took a little AU artistic license with Legion's armor story._

* * *

Shepard almost threw the datapad across the room in frustration, but instead tried to breathe calmly and leaned forward on the couch, putting her head in her hands.

Kaidan would have sat beside her and pat her back comfortingly, and that thought had her anger cooling, but also leaving behind a sadness she felt right down to her bones.

Everything was almost ready for the suicide mission. She'd been up since five am this morning working on the numbers, reviewing data from the ship's specialists, checking the armor tension tests, gun capabilities and the readiness of the crew. She was exhausted, mentally and physically and sick of looking at it.

She was actually looking forward to later in the day going to take on some heretic geth with Legion, the chance to fire her gun a good opportunity to blow off steam. It was much more suited to her than this stupid fussing with numbers.

There was a gentle knock at her door, and she started in surprise, not expecting visitors so early or even wanting to have them. Shepard just wanted a chance to grieve for her and Kaidan's relationship in peace, and focus on work.

Figured they couldn't leave her alone.

She got tiredly up off the couch and opened the door to see Joker standing there, biting his lip.

"Hey," he greeted and she nodded, smiling tiredly. She noticed he held a small box in his hand.

"Who's flying the ship?" she asked, surprised he would come up to her cabin. She'd barely ever even seen him out of the cockpit.

"EDI. Come on, the heretic station isn't far and the route is safe. I just thought I'd-"

"What?" she demanded grumpily, crossing her arms.

Joker shuffled on his feet a little awkwardly. "I just thought maybe you could use a friend. And maybe the rest of them are too scared of you and your…hmm what did you use to tease Kaidan about? Oh yeah, his 'little black raincloud' to come up and yank you out of your brooding. Or have better self-preservation instincts than me. So let me in?"

Shepard sighed and stood aside, a little glad for the distraction from her datapads anyway.

"What's in the box, Jack? You taking up a hobby of springing surprises on me? I don't like surprises you know," she teased, motioning to the box he carried and thinking of those old windup toys that popped out at you, so old you could probably find them in museums now.

"I thought drinking isn't the best idea when you're gonna go on a mission soon, but you need to relax and well, I had this laying around." He held up the box and folded it open to reveal not a Jack-in-the-box like she'd teased Joker, but a travel chess set with old-fashioned magnets in the bottom of the pieces to hold them to the checkered squares.

"Chess?"

"Yeah. It's fun. I thought we could just sit and have a talk."

Shepard almost laughed, Joker the last person on the ship she would have expected to do the whole 'breakup talk' with her. His expression seemed to say he was as shocked and just as unhappy at his sudden compassionate streak as her. Feelings and seriousness without sarcasm didn't come easy to him.

"Joker, why I'm surprised. Never knew you had such a soft streak."

She padded further into the room, pulling her loose shirt straight (her heart thumped, _Kaidan, Kaidan, Kaidan, you left your shirt and me behind_) and settled on the couch again. "I thought you'd rather go clean shaven for a week than sit and have a talk."

Joker smiled a little sarcastically and followed her slowly into the room, carefully navigating her small flight of stairs. "EDI made me."

"Uh huh."

"No, really." He settled down beside her, his genetically rare bright green eyes settling on her face and she found herself unable to hold his gaze, instead drifting down to study the chess set in his arms. "I just wanted to see how you're doing with everything."

"No, to the feelings. Yes, to the chess, Flight Lieutenant."

He held up his hands in defense and began setting up the chess set on the couch between them. "Ok, ok. Your call."

They started playing, Shepard making him let her be the black pieces and she found herself comforted by his presence and his silence. Kasumi would have nagged her to spill the beans, Garrus discomfited at hearing about her love life, or Chakwas a little patronizing and smug with an 'I told you so.' Miranda had been so scornful and hateful of Kaidan and Shepard didn't want to hear it.

Samara would have been kind but probably found her petty for getting so upset over a brief relationship ending, when in her lifetime she had probably seen hundreds of men and women she loved come and go. Technically, Shepard and Kaidan had only been together less than six months in all the time they had known each other. That would have been like blinking to an asari. She didn't think she had a right to complain to her, the banality of grieving a relationship nothing compared to the pain of grieving a child.

Joker demanded nothing but a game and the offer of an ear, and it was nice to sit in her cabin and not feel so alone for the first time in four days since Kaidan had stayed behind on the Citadel.

She grinned, knocking over Joker's king. They'd been playing for an hour, already three games to Shepard's favor and she noted with amusement that Joker's expression was steadily turning more and more aghast, clearly not expecting to lose so badly.

"Ok, seriously. I didn't even see that coming. How are you doing that?" he demanded, eyes wide as she checkmated him again.

"It's easy," she shrugged. "Solid. Thousands of years of the same damn game, where no one changes the rules and it's not math or knowledge or books. Just tactics and the feel for another person's style."

"No, but really," he leaned back on the couch, looking at her in surprised awe and Shepard shifted a little uncomfortably, tugging at her shirt again and discreetly rubbing her nose on her sleeve. It smelt nice still and her uneasiness at Joker's frank appraisal abated a little. "Wow. You've kicked my ass in like five moves every single game."

Shepard smiled a little uncertainly, baffled by his praise. It was just a game. "Just lucky, I guess."

"No, Shepard." He shook his head. "This isn't a luck based game. You know how to win or you lose. How many times have you played? Did you practice in school with a master or something?"

She coughed a little and started packing up the set, not wanting to play anymore. "Nah, didn't go to school much. Didn't like it and I had other shit to do," she mumbled a little not wanting to explain to him that school was a secondary objective when your five year old brother hadn't eaten for a day and you couldn't scrape enough creds together to buy him some damn bread because mom had spent the last of it on Red Sand.

"Uh…and I guess, well Kaidan taught me two years ago," she explained, making sure her voice was even and unemotional. "We were bored one night so he pulled it up on his tool and we played with a holo-interface."

"You just learned two years ago? And you only played a few games one night? That's all?"

"Yeah," she said, not understanding the big deal. She regretted letting him in now, this was almost worse than the dodged 'feelings' talk. "So?"

Joker eyed her suspiciously. "Was he a hidden genius at it or something?"

"I don't know. I don't think so; he had to look up the rules a few times to show me. He won a couple of times but then I sorta picked up the rules and he lost a lot." Shepard smiled a little distantly and said, "I thought he was just throwing the games for me, to make me feel better."

"Shepard. I used to play chess when I was in school instead of sport. Less chance of bone breakage and tears and pain. I was captain of the chess club and I haven't even heard of moves that you're pulling. My teacher said _I_ was talented and you're miles better than me." Joker was laughing at her, looking at her like he'd never even seen her properly before.

"Maybe I'm that dumb that I'm tripping you up?" Shepard argued and stood, grabbing her glass of water she'd placed on the table last night and taking a sip to try and deflect him. "I don't know. Let's not play anymore."

"Yeah. Yeah ok. Geez, lucky we weren't playing for money. Remind me to stick to cards with you."

"Good plan," she responded and sat back down beside him, and for a beat there was a silence and a bit of awkwardness. She'd moved a new picture of Kaidan that she'd snapped when he was with her only a week ago, just a single, updated portrait to her second desk and she noticed Joker's eyes settle on it and move guiltily away. She felt a rush of stupidity and wished that she'd just thrown his pictures out like a normal ex-girlfriend.

"You're full of surprises, you know?" he said.

"Don't be fooled," she laughed. "I'm not exactly the fastest relay in the network."

"You know…" he tapped his lips with his long, crooked finger. "I think you're selling yourself short. And I can't believe you fooled me all this time. You're way sneakier than I imagined."

"Bullshit," she scoffed. "I am what I am, and that's all you see. A little trick with chess doesn't mean anything."

"Kaidan always said you were brighter than you let on."

"Kaidan isn't here," Shepard said, suddenly cold. She wasn't smart, the Alliance tests were inaccurate. Kaidan was wrong about whatever Miranda had told him, a fluke at chess meant nothing. "Joker, if you're gonna start on me you should leave. I need to go work-out anyway."

"Fine, I'm sorry." As she went to get up in a huff he put his hand on her shoulder, sitting her down with him again. "I'll never call you smart again, geez. _Women _these days, can't say anything right."

Shepard smiled as he rolled his eyes and tapped him lightly in the shoulder, a gentle version of how she would usually punch people in the shoulder with affection. "Fuck off."

"That's more like it!" Joker crowed. "I was afraid he'd stolen all your sass away."

"Not stolen. Just a bit sad," she corrected and played with the hem of her shirt.

"Do you want me to say bad things about him? Because walking out on you again? Not cool."

"He didn't walk out on me, Joker," she said, her voice soft. "It was mutual and necessary. And don't you dare say anything about him to me, ok? I know you two have your issues. And I'm not getting between it."

"That's kinda the point though. You _are_ between it," he said and Shepard frowned, wondering when the _Normandy_ attack would finally let go of the survivors and they could move on. Herself included. It was like a wound she carried around, one that wouldn't heal.

"I can try to kick his ass if you want?" Joker continued. "I mean I don't know if I'll do anything more than give him a headache and me a broken leg but I'd try for you."

"That's sweet, Joker. But no."

"Ah, he's an ass anyway. You're better off without him."

"Jeff," she warned.

"Fine!" He shuddered. "Just don't call me that."

"Why are you so mean to him? You barely spoke to him while he was here."

Joker pulled the cap off his head, rubbing a hand through his hair. "I guess…I guess I wasn't really angry at him anymore."

"So why be a dick to him?"

"Guess I didn't like what he was. A reminder."

Shepard asked, "Of what?"

She didn't understand. She was alive now. They should let whatever had happened between them go.

"Of what I did to you." Joker wouldn't look her in the eyes.

"Joker! Please don't start this again; I'm not in the mood."

"I never cared that he was angry at me," he explained. "You killed my girlfriend? I'd be a bit pissed too. But I pretended to hate his guts because it was easier than hating my own."

"Well, good thing I'm not going to kill your non-existent girlfriend, then," she half-joked, trying to move the conversation away from Kaidan. Fuck, why did everything come back around to him lately? She just wanted to focus on work and killing things. Why was that so much to ask? Couldn't she just take a break from feeling things?

"Yeah, Alenko back then…he wasn't really fun to be around." Joker fiddled with his cap a little awkwardly and she could tell he was really trying to make an effort for her. "I'm uh, glad though that you guys sort of got a second chance. Maybe you needed it to really say goodbye properly."

"Yeah. Maybe. Maybe, it just made it harder though. Saying goodbye twice," she sighed, and to her horror felt her eyes become a little wet. They burned, and she had to swallow harshly to keep her composure.

No, no, no, she thought angrily. This wasn't allowed anymore. She hadn't so much as cried alone since that afternoon Kaidan had first left. She was _not_ doing it in front of Joker.

"Come here," Joker said and held out his arms, his face free from sarcasm or mockery.

Shepard wavered, not wanting to be weak. But if she reasoned, if she was weak now, then later on a mission she could be stone and fire and anger and not have a trace of softness.

Pick your targets. Pick your time. Know when to shoot, when to retreat, when to act and when to say nothing. Breathe, Shepard. A voice in her head that sounded suspiciously like Anderson whispered to her, telling her that it was ok to break a little. It was ok to grieve. She was still tough. She wasn't soft. She was just a tactician, playing chess and sometimes losing.

She put her head on Joker's shoulder, careful to keep her weight off him and said so quietly even she could barely hear it, "I miss him."

"I know you do." He patted her back with a little hesitance, as if not used to human contact. "And that's ok. I promise, though, eventually you will stop missing him, and things will be easy."

"Thanks, Joker." She said, a fabric and musky smell from Kaidan's shirt drifting to her. She shut her eyes. "You're better at the girly talk than I thought."

"Don't go spreading it around or I'll break my arm at you," he warned sternly and she laughed.

She wondered if EDI would metaphorically pat him on the back when he got back to the cockpit.

* * *

Shepard stood in the heart of the heretic station, silently begging the lowered gravity to stop giving her vertigo. It was pissing her off, every time she stepped too quickly and felt the effects of the lessened gravity, her head would spin, her stomach would heave and she would imagine stars bursting in her eyes.

She knew what this was. She knew why she felt like that and she was just even more furious at herself for allowing those moments she had been spaced to completely spin her out still.

She was a fucking adult. She was a fucking space marine. She was a fucking N7.

One little death shouldn't turn her into some big baby, wishing her boyfriend would come back and say, 'Hey, everything's gonna be alright. I got you. You're safe now.'

"Legion, blow 'em up," she barked to the geth, not taking the time to consider wiping their minds. No more manipulations, no more games. She couldn't see the future, but she knew she didn't want to mind-rape a bunch of sentient robots just because she was too stuck in the idea of saving lives.

She'd rather die than live like a slave. And if rewriting their whole way of thinking wasn't wrong, well, she didn't know what else was.

"Yes, Shepard-Commander." Legion complied, warning that the heretic geth would try to stop them and she hunkered down preparing for the onslaught with Tali beside her.

As geth rushed towards them, Shepard spawned a Singularity, knowing that it wouldn't be strong enough to rip through their shields. She didn't need it to be though.

She jumped into it this time, allowing it to fling her high in the air, but maintained control of the mass effect field. She dodged the geth shots expertly, and bent her field to deflect any away from her she couldn't dodge.

The world whirled unpleasantly as she twirled in her Singularity but she shoved aside her vertigo and instead shot geth one by one in the head, them not being able to keep track of her erratic, mathematically unpredictable, and graceful movements. She bounced from cover to cover, spawning more Singularities to cushion her falls, or move geth off of Tali and Legion.

Can't fight what you can't catch, she thought with a smug grin.

She'd never quite mastered the Charge she'd seen the Vanguards demonstrate during Basic, but she didn't need it to be able to move quickly and when Legion finished at the console they ran, escaping the blast before it caught them. Shepard sent blasts down the hallways, throwing geth out of their way and leaving Tali and Legion to shoot the haphazardly sprawled geth on the floor.

She was in peak condition now; she knew it, felt it in her body. The pull in her muscles, some weight she'd gained back so she was healthy and full-figured again, instead of the sunken-eyed creature she had been when she had first woke up with the odd proportions. Kaidan had made her eat properly, her biotics no longer burning through her insufficient and distractedly pecked at diet. Now she kept up his habits of snacking all the time, even without him there. There was to be no more wallowing, no more self-pity. She would be a singularly powerful machine, bent on her mission and her own decisions.

She had worked hard to get her body back to how it had used to be, to be more biotically powerful than ever before. She worked out with Grunt and Jacob as much as she could, when she had the time. Instead of bulk building like them, she focused on honing her sleek muscles, giving her a healthy and whip-quick leanness, like a snake coiled to strike. Samara said every lesson they had that she was the most impressive human she had seen, Shepard's implant now allowing her feats she hadn't thought possible with her old L3.

She could do this. She could fight for the lost. She could fight for those she loved. And she could fight for herself.

The safe, solid ground of the _Normandy _had never felt better and on a whim she laughed as they bundled into the airlock, draping an arm around Tali and Legion's shoulders and pulled them into a crushing hug. Tali hugged her back, laughing too but Legion hung limp in her arms, like a puppy not sure what the strange human was doing.

* * *

That night she went to speak to Legion. It was late; she couldn't sleep, consumed by insomnia and heartsickness. She did feel better though, than that mess she had been when she first woke up from death and felt far more stable to handle the gulf between her and Kaidan than Horizon. She felt like she had more control and there hadn't been so much anger mixed up between them on the Citadel like the horrible confrontation after the Collector attack on the colony.

This time her sadness felt like a natural part of leaving someone behind she loved, not a hormone imbalance driving her to extremes. She would always remember the time she'd been dosed with the Minagen X3 and the erratic drinking in Illium before Kaidan had rejoined her.

He was right. That wasn't her anymore. She could be better. She was a good person, with or without him and she could use her own judgment, without the Alliance or Cerberus, or even Kaidan telling her what she should and should not do.

She hadn't killed Sidonis. When it came right down to it, she hadn't let Garrus pull the trigger.

She was not her mother.

So she padded down to the mess in her sweat pants and singlet, rummaged around for some milk and cereal and then brought her whole midnight snack into the AI Core to chat to the friendly geth.

She thought distantly, as she settled on the floor and Legion sat down across from her that it was nice to have someone who never slept on the ship for her to speak to. He wouldn't get bored, or annoyed or angry that she woke him up.

So she spooned up sugary mouthfuls of cereal and asked the geth what he had been doing, out of pure boredom and curiosity.

"Shepard-Commander." He nodded, and she thought he might have been looking curiously at her cereal. "Our runtimes have reached consensus. This unit is prepared to aid you."

"Aid me?" she asked, spitting flakes everywhere. "With what? You already promised your help with the Suicide Mission. That's enough."

"The one called Alenko-Commander was your cohabitation unit."

She groaned. Not this again.

Grunt had already offered to rip his spine out, with the regretful addendum that, "Battlemaster, I respect Kaidan. He's a worthy warrior and I don't want to face him in battle, but for you I would kill anyone. Say the word; I'll have his quad for you to hang on your wall."

Her eyebrows had risen, not sure when Grunt had decided to like Kaidan enough to refer to him by his first name, but had decided that some things she was just better off not knowing. She had to spend two hours explaining to him that it was fine; he didn't need to avenge her Battlemaster or krantt honor.

Then Zaeed had said he would kill 'Soldier Boy' for fifty creds, as a special rate just for her since he hated him so much and she had such a sweet ass. Shepard hadn't deigned that with an answer, preferring to let her flared fist do the talking.

Miranda had _just not shut up_ about how she always knew he loved his Alliance too much to stay, and that it was really good he was gone since she wouldn't have to keep butting heads with him to get some work done.

Shepard had let her rant and then calmly told her to shut the hell up and if she brought it up again, she would hold her down and glue her mouth shut with mass effect fields. She had burst out laughing at the horrified look on Miri's face, taking her threat seriously. Shepard had playfully bumped the black-haired woman's hip with hers and just told her to lay off, she was sick of hearing it and thankfully she had heeded her wishes.

Kasumi wanted to steal everything he owned…including every member of his family's possessions back on Earth. She'd gleefully told Shepard that they were rather rich, with a lovely home by English Bay and a fairly successful orchard. "Come on, Shep. Me and you. We'll teach him that it pays to have sneaky thief friends."

By that time Shepard had just given up, her crew seemingly angrier with Kaidan on her behalf than she actually was.

She thought mockingly that he may as well have broken up with the whole ship, the way they were taking it. Even Jack had quietly confessed to her one night that she had respected him, but was pissed he had 'turned out to be an asshole like all the rest.' Shepard had firmly corrected her _again_, that it was fine. That sometimes people just had different paths to take.

"Oh for the love of god." Shepard exclaimed then at Legion, exasperated that even the geth was getting in on the act. She slammed her cereal bowl on the floor and slopped milk everywhere. "How did you know that?"

"We communicated with your Enhanced Defense Intelligence. Creator-Tali'Zorah has mentioned it in conversation with Garrus Vakarian. Your vitals have been elevated since you returned from the Citadel alone." He explained tonelessly, "We used deductive reasoning skills and searched the extranet. We are prepared to hunt him down on your command. It is acceptable practice for unit cohesion and will increase your trust of us. We hit our targets with 98.7% accuracy."

"No, Legion," she gasped, half not knowing whether to laugh or cry at the loyalty of her crew. "No killing, ok?" She actually laughed then, no longer able to hold it back. "Oh my god when did my crew become the Scorned Woman Brigade?" she joked and Legion's head flaps fluttered uncertainly. "Just…everyone needs to calm down. No one's killing Kaidan, alright?

"We accept your judgment," he nodded again, and as she picked up her cereal and started eating again, his flashlight head followed the movement of her hand, and watched her chew messily. Wondering if he was curious about the organic need to eat, Shepard picked a dry flake of cereal off the top and handed it to him. He held it between two fingers, examining it like it was a prized diamond and mimicked putting it to where his mouth would have been if he was a human or quarian. The flake fell to the ground and he said, "We only wished to please Shepard-Commander. Alenko-Commander is mentioned on your extranet 7526 times. We watched him."

She started, surprised. "You watched him?"

"We searched for you." The geth explained, "Eden Prime, Therum, Feros, Noveria, Virmire, Ilos, Intai'sei. Security footage placed you in his vicinity 67% of the time. He was a logical conclusion as we searched."

Shepard chewed slowly, listening raptly to his speech.

"But we had no success. You were gone. Then the trail ended. We found you on Alchera. You were damaged. Your eyes were open. But you did not see."

She choked on her mouthful, inhaling too viciously and coughed trying to clear her throat. Legion sat impassively.

"You found me?" she croaked.

"Yes. You had fallen to the planet two day cycles after your ship was destroyed. Your body was preserved by the snow."

Shepard put her bowl down, no longer hungry but nauseous. Bile roiled in her stomach and clawed up her throat. "And you took my armor," she motioned to Legion; to the red armor she hadn't often worn in the past but had the day her ship blew. She preferred blue, her mind chirped unhelpfully. Wearing red was bad luck.

Red dead day for Shepard-Commander, she thought morbidly.

"You are an Old Machine slayer. Nazara was killed by you." Legion stated and she heard a weird note in his voice, almost like inflection. "You were…you were ceasing. Your cells no longer replaced themselves. Cellular death. You were no longer growing. Organics do not last once they expire. We did not want you to fade away. We took your armor."

"Wow," she breathed, awed in the unenviable position of trying to imagine her own corpse. "So you left me lying there all dead and naked?"

"We did not realize you would be saved. We only took your pauldron. Your code is superior."

"Was I bad?" she stammered and immediately regretted it. "I-I mean…I don't really want to know, don't answer that."

Legion answered anyway, his AI coldness not cottoning onto the new shake in her voice, the tremor in her hands.

"You were damaged. Burnt. Frozen. One of your legs was mangled. Your spine was broken. There was frozen precipitation in your hair. Your eyes reflected the celestial phenomena in the sky and we did not understand why they were open. We tried to close them, but they were hardened and damaged. Snow fell into them, and melted as the temperature fluctuated, even as we brushed it away. Your skin was…flaking. But your iris was still blue. It was…unusual. We did not understand why you lay there like that."

Shepard said nothing, but felt her body shake like a leaf. She felt sick to her stomach at the sight he painted. She wondered, aghast what the expression on her face was like, if she even had much skin, if she had a bad embolism and if her skin was swollen and burst.

Legion shuffled closer, clutching his synthetic knees as his flashlight head examined her face, as if looking back on a corpse two years old. "We had no data available. We watched you for days as you did not move. You were aesthetically disturbing; damaged. You were aesthetically beautiful; your eyes still blue. You lay in the snow. It consisted of 99% pure water and 0.9% metal impurities and 0.1% element zero contamination from your _Normandy_ drive core explosion leaking into the atmosphere. It was almost pure. You were not. You were coated in element zero dust. It was in your eyes. You lay in the snow, looking at the sky and not seeing for so long. We sat beside you and looked too. We did not understand."

She had no idea what to say, never imagining anyone would tell her about this. She didn't want to hear it but at the same time, she yearned to know any scraps of information she had missed in those two years.

"Your extranet talks of death," the geth said, and she listened, fascinated by his words, by his alien philosophy. "Your humanity reveres and fears it. Religion hinges on the concept of an afterlife. You worship and fight it. Geth are immortal unless critically damaged. Our runtimes can be transferred to other units, your brain cannot."

"I'm still me!" She protested, revolting wildly at the thought that Cerberus had just transferred her consciousness. This _was her_ body, it was changed, better and worse too, but it was the one she was born with. Kaidan had said so, he knew who she was. He had touched her body, he had been inside it, caressed it, kissed every inch and he still loved her. His tears had baptized it when they had joined one time, when he spoke of his grief at losing her. His eyes had looked at her and he had _seen_ her. She was still herself.

"I'm alive."

"Yes, you are now fully functional. You are like and unlike geth. Your runtimes were not transferred but revived, and yet we still do not understand."

Shepard cocked her head, watching him. She was disturbed but also intrigued. He spoke with no emotion about death, about the details others and even she skirted around. Miranda said nothing about Project Lazarus to her, always changing the subject.

Legion intoned, his voice with that strange geth echo, "Your literature opines of beauty and horror. We had no data available as we studied your body. It was so broken and still and we have seen many like it but none like _you._ We could not reach consensus. Some runtimes wanted to bury you according to human tradition. Some wanted to burn you. In the end, we could not decide. We did not understand so we did nothing but take your armor. Your body was there but you were not. You were cold as our metal components."

"Why did you take my armor?"

"You are a statistical anomaly. An outlier. You are unique." His head flaps moved uncertainly, the light flaring from his face. "You are…Shepard-Commander. We did not understand."

"What makes me special? I don't understand why you wanted to carry it around?"

"There was a hole."

She shook her head, wanting to know the truth. "Yeah but you could have fixed that with anything. You must have chosen it for a reason?"

"….No data available."

Shepard sighed and rocked back on her heels. "Alright, Legion."

"You are beauty and horror." He paused, seeming to not want to explain further or just not having the necessary emotional capacity to express what he wanted to say. "You are no longer dead. We do not understand. We wish to understand."

"I'm just me, Legion."

"You are 'Become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds'."

Shepard shrugged, no idea what he was trying to tell her and not understanding the strange grammar he used. She was no murderer anymore, she didn't destroy worlds. "What? I don't know what you mean-"

"It is a quote. Oppenheimer, your creator of the atomic bomb. He quoted the Bhagavad Gita, a human text."

"I don't understand," she argued and was sorry she'd ever had this conversation. She just felt more awful and sleepless than she had when she sat down, not so much over Kaidan, but now she felt discomfited by the thoughts of death.

It always seemed to hover over her shoulder these days. She didn't destroy worlds, the Reapers did. She didn't have to choose who lived or died. She shouldn't have that kind of power. Despite trying to calm herself with logic, the title set her heart racing.

"We once saw you become death."

Legion stood up, and reached a hand to pull her up too. She looked at in surprise, wondering if this was something he learned from human behavior on the extranet but took it anyway. It was cold, the three fingers felt strange in her palm.

"'Even without your slaying them not one of the warriors, ranged for battle against thee, shall survive.'" Legion stood straight, his tone measured and simple and she knew he must have been quoting something that had puzzled him. She should have shut down his extranet rights, she sighed to herself. She could barely sort out her own life, let alone guide a synthetic on the meaning of his existence.

"Your enemies do not survive against you. Nazara did not survive. The heretics did not survive. The Collectors will not survive. You destroy but you also create and build. You survive. Your literature is confusing. We do not understand."

"I don't understand either, ok? Don't worry about it," she vainly tried to comfit him, not knowing what to do with a philosophical robot.

"We wish to understand you, Shepard-Commander. That we might better understand ourselves. We know our purpose. Our creators, our gods discarded us. We must find new purpose, free of the Old Machines. We see purpose in you. When this platform sat beside you on Alchera and looked at an aurora in your eyes, we saw purpose."

Shepard nodded because she didn't know what else to say, unsure how to handle his almost...hero worship of her. She left then, leaving him to his extranet browsing and crawled into bed to lie sleeplessly listening to the fish tank gurgle and her heart beat in the absence of her other half.

The next day Shepard returned with her crew after a mission and found the ship empty, her general crew, her responsibility, her friends dragged away.

And she felt righteous rage as she rallied her crack squad of professionals.

No one was allowed to mess with her crew. Especially not her murderers. It was time to hit the Relay.

She knew she would have to type one last email.


	30. Accretion

Shepard bundled Joker into the mess, settled him into a seat and then made him a strong cup of tea. After she put three sugars in (leaving out the milk), she brought it over to him and sat in the chair beside him, watching him taste the black liquid silently.

He made a face as soon as he took a sip. "Really, Shepard? Tea? I thought you might have put some whiskey in there. Give a guy a break."

Shepard watched his hand shake, saying nothing, and he went back to drinking.

After studying his face for long moments, looking for shock or injuries now that Chakwas wasn't around to keep an eye on him, she stood and said, "I'm going to talk to the Illusive Man. You sit here. EDI will handle the ship for a little while. We're on course for the Omega 4 Relay and I want you to take some time to pull your head on straight."

The pilot pulled a face at her. "I'm fine, Shepard. Don't pull your mothering act on me. I won't take it like Alenko or Grunt. I'm a big boy."

"A big boy who watched the crew get taken and almost got killed saving my ship," she replied gently, and put her hand on his bony shoulder. "I know you're fine, but I want you to just rest here, at least until I'm done with the Illusive Man."

"Fine, fine. I'll sit here. Drinking my tea. Like a good boy, Mom."

"'Atta boy," she sniped back.

As she headed for the briefing room, she thought about how well-practiced Joker was at acting like nothing affected him; shrugging it off with a quip or biting sarcasm. Not this time. She hadn't been there to save her crew, but she was going to look after the ones remaining. Let him chafe under her fussing, she didn't care as long as he was safe. Joker was a non-combatant, unused to ground battle or fearing for his life unless it was ship-to-ship combat, and she wanted to make sure he dealt with the incident appropriately.

She stormed into the briefing room, her face thunderous. Instead of fear of the Collectors and what waited for them beyond the Relay, she felt grim determination and fury. How dare they try and hurt her people? How dare they invade her ship? Shepard would kill every single one in retribution for the abduction of her crew and for losing two years of her life.

It wasn't just about the colonies anymore; though of course she wanted to stop the attacks; now it was personal. A mission she had never been more pumped for or angry about in her entire military career.

And Shepard angry generally meant (as Legion had helpfully pointed out to her) dead enemies.

As soon as the QEC connected, she burst out, "My crew was taken, and I'm going after them. Those bastards are gonna pay for everything. It ends now."

The Illusive Man nodded, as if he expected nothing else. "Make sure you are fully prepared." He paused and took a drag of his ever-present cigarette, eyes bright in the darkness. "Remember, the crew is a secondary objective."

Shepard felt like she had been punched in the gut, hit with the sudden wave of rage. It must have shown on her face, because the Illusive Man actually made a nervous gesture with his glass - bringing it to his lips too quickly, slopping it over the side a little.

"Excuse me?" she hissed more than spoke.

The older man stood, and said, "Be pragmatic, Shepard. You can't save them all."

Shepard stood straight, stepping forward on the QEC pad. "_The hell I can't_."

"Your duty is to humanity as a whole. Personal sacrifices need to be made along the way. You have already sacrificed much and, in the course of your duty to humanity, you will sacrifice even more."

"You're wrong," Shepard cut in. Not this time. He didn't know best on this. She couldn't be cold, she couldn't be unemotional; not when the people she'd served with, bled with and laughed with were in trouble. Not when Chakwas could be dead or dying, waiting for Shepard to save her. Not when Gabby, Ken, Kelly and Rupert the mess cook, who always tried to leave her some pie, were suffering because the Collectors wanted to kill or experiment on her.

"_Humanity _starts in the little things," she continued, voice rising strong and clear. "It starts here-"

The Illusive Man spoke over her, cold and distant. "It's starts _here_ with phony sentimentality and the arrogance and stupidity to think that one life is worth more than thousands of others. Little things can be shoved aside for the big picture, for Earth - _your_ home. Shepard, I don't think that-"

Shepard stopped him, swiped a hand through the air in an angry gesture and hissed, "Don't you dare cut me off or talk over me. I was speaking and I deserve to be heard."

"My apologies." His eyes widened minutely and Shepard knew he got the message: he'd pushed her too far.

"The hell it is arrogance to want to save people," she continued, determined to say her piece. "You know what it is? Fucking compassion. You could do with some yourself."

"Ah, Alenko has rubbed off on you I see…" He mock-tutted and took a seemingly regretful sip of his drink. "And left some pesky bits behind. Again. You never should have allowed him on this ship, look at you. Where's all your fire, where's the woman that stood before me, knowing how to make the tough choices?"

"Bullshit," she said flatly. "Staff Commander Alenko has nothing to do with this. This is me. This is what I think and feel. Don't you speak about him like that. I'll always put lives ahead of the objective, even when it's not smart."

"You've always struggled with being smart," he sniped back, and Shepard reeled internally, stung. "I'm only here to guide you."

She shook her head, hating his tone, hating his presumption, and hating his emotional and verbal manipulation. "Don't patronize me, _Illusive Man_," she spat his name mockingly. "We may have built this…cooperation out of convenience, but I'm not your lapdog. Or your puppet. I thought you wanted a second-in-command, not some mindless slave."

She looked at him with new eyes, surprised by his newly apparent ruthlessness. He hadn't been so cold in their recent conversations; she had thought that she was finally building a rapport with him, a partnership with which they could make Cerberus a force for good. She barely recognized the man standing in front of her, on the verge of telling her to forget the crew and just worry about killing the Collectors. His own crew, his own people_, lives he was responsible for._

Shepard knew down to her bones that you couldn't walk away from your responsibilities. That you couldn't throw the lives you were responsible for to the wolves. It was her number one rule as a Commander; as a human being, as a person who knew how to love and be loved in return. Kasumi's gift; the stolen book stained with Kaidan's blood around the edges; told her that you became _responsible_, _forever_, for what _you have tamed_.

The Illusive Man took a deep breath and drawled with exaggerated calm, "The crew abduction has gotten to all of us, I think. You're emotional and I've misread you."

"This isn't some emotional tantrum; this is just how I run my ship. I care about my crew and you can't tell me that's wrong. Sometimes integrity is all you have, you know."

He sat back down, and waved his hand at her nonchalantly. "Well, if you intend to save the crew, we'll have to talk moralistic philosophy later."

"Yeah. I guess so," she scoffed, not mollified by his transparent backpedaling.

"I'll look forward to it. I knew we brought you back for a reason. You're an excellent leader."

"Any of my excellence is due to my crew. We're ready, and we're strong."

"Good. It's a golden opportunity. The first ship to make the trip through the Omega 4 Relay and survive. Think of the technology that awaits us there."

"I'm going to kill the Collectors. That's all."

"Understood." He met Shepard's gaze, and while she saw respect there, she also saw a gleam of frustration with her. "I just want you to know, regardless of your opinion of Cerberus, of _me_, that you're a valuable asset to humanity. Take care, Shepard. I'll be monitoring the situation. Give the Collectors hell."

"Will do."

She stepped off the pad, and walked back to the mess, turning the conversation over and over in her brain. Maybe she'd been wrong about things. How much would he require her to sacrifice in exchange for Cerberus resources? The people she loved? Her dignity? Everything that made her 'unique and kind and beautiful,' as Kaidan had told her in that back alleyway? Would she have to lower herself to her enemy's level?

She shook her head as she settled down beside Joker again. Now wasn't the time to worry about the Illusive Man. Now was the time for weapon checks, crew preparation and making sure her pilot was ready to fly her to a trial by blood and fear.

Joker studied his tea and didn't move as she watched his face.

"You had a rough time today," she said quietly.

"If you're here to make me 'feel better,'" he bit out, making little sarcastic air-quotes, "you can cram it. I don't want to hear it."

"Ok. That's fine. I just wanted to say you did a good job." She put a hand on his shoulder lightly. "Alright? You did more than most could have."

"Not as much as you."

"You're not me, and you did wonderfully," she comforted. "We'll get them back."

Joker nodded and swallowed. "EDI saved our asses."

"She did," Shepard agreed. "You know, I used to not like her, but now I couldn't imagine the _Normandy_ feeling like home without her."

A silence fell then, so Shepard got up and made her own tea, thinking idly of going up to her cabin to write that goodbye email. She'd been drafting in her head as soon as she realized the Collectors had forced her hand.

Instead, she sat beside Joker again, and gave a small smile around the rim of her mug of tea, "You can cry if you want to."

Joker laughed a little, a small weak lift of his lips, but it was enough for her. "Yeah, this isn't the girl scouts."

"Things can get pretty traumatic, though," she replied, and this time she looked at him seriously, her eyes kind. "You're not part of a ground team, Joker. Besides, I'm pretty sure I blubbered in front of you about Kaidan. Am I a girl scout?

"No." He shook his head. "You're badass. And I'm pretty sure you're not a girl."

"You callin' me old, or a man?"

"Nah, just old." He nodded, finally looking her in the eyes and studied every inch of her face. "Yup, all washed up."

"Do you want me to break you?"

"Ha!" he laughed loudly. "No."

"Then here's my unasked for girl talk. Just returning the favor." Despite his protest she gave him a quick hug, more a squeeze of his shoulders rather than anything lingering, but he returned it, patting her back. "Everything's going to be alright, Joker," she said. "I'm here now. They're not killing my crew. I'd die first. And no one kills me twice."

* * *

Shepard typed a message in her cabin that night on the way to the Omega 4 Relay. She typed it with his happy, laughing eyes watching her; frozen as they were in the frame. She typed it with resolution, with passion and fire, and she buried her sadness so deep that no one would ever see it again.

She was going to do this. She was going to have her revenge on the Collectors. She was going to take care of her responsibilities. And she was coming back alive.

But just in case…she wrote her message to him. She took her time, reading it over and over again for spelling mistakes or wonky grammar - she even made EDI take a look, just to double check. Then she sent it.

_To: scmdrkalenko _

_From: addresswitheld_

_Sir,_

_Gone hunting. I'll be back. I promise. _

_Take care of yourself._

_Lieutenant Commander S. Shepard._

At the bottom she had EDI encrypt a second message on her behalf, hoping the Alliance wouldn't bother to read his email, or the gibberish at the bottom.

_p.s:_

_tu es ma lune et mes étoiles_

_I had EDI tell me what it meant after the night you said it to me again. And I wanted to say…even if it's no longer true for you, well, you were mine too. I'm not sorry for what we did. You tamed me. We made a lot of mistakes and…we should never have loved like we did._

_But I did regardless and I want you to know that. I won't forget._

_Who Dares, Wins - right?_

_Yours, Shep._

"Shepard?" Miranda's voice came in over the intercom. "We're almost there. Are you ready?"

"I'll be down in a moment, Miri."

Then she got up from her desk, put on her armor and tied her dark hair back. She was ready.

* * *

As they popped through the Relay to be greeted by the scattered remains of ancient ships, Joker swore. Shepard stumbled back, surprised by the debris that greeted them.

"Shit!"

The _Normandy _lurched as Joker expertly prevented a close collision, and Shepard grasped his seat, trying to not fall over with the shuddering.

EDI informed them that the Base was on the edge of the accretion disk of a black hole, and Shepard gaped at its terrible beauty as she told Joker to move closer.

"Hell of a view," she breathed to the pilot.

He nodded. "Just don't ask them to validate your parking," he said. "Nightmare."

"Careful, Jeff. We have company," EDI warned, and the ship lurched as Joker tried to avoid the Collector's automated defense Oculi.

Shepard watched the _Normandy's_ HUD as their pilot weaved her out of harm's way.

"Joker, rip 'em to pieces!" Shepard growled. "Show them that _Normandy_ means business."

"Aye, aye, Commander. Now they're pissing me off."

The Oculi fired their red beams, and this time Joker wasn't able to maneuver quickly enough. Shepard watched with feral satisfaction as the beam scorched the hull, but didn't destroy it.

"Yeah, try to rip through _this_ hull, you little bastards," she whispered under her breath, clutching Joker's seat painfully hard. "Come on, hold girl."

EDI chimed, "There is a hull breach in the shuttle bay. An Oculi has forced its way inside."

Shepard spun, already moving to grab her guns. "I'll handle this," she barked. "Joker, fuck them up while I'm gone."

In the CIC she looked at the crew gathered there and spat, "Grunt, grab your shotgun and your rage. Your Battlemaster has a job for you."

Grunt almost did a jig in happiness, rapidly hefting his shotgun and stepping forward to her side. He was almost vibrating in excitement, his wide mouth stretched in a bloodthirsty grin.

"Thane, let's show them some _Normandy_ hospitality," she said more gently, respectfully nodding to the assassin.

He stepped forward and raised his fist, dark energy gathered on it. "Siha, my skills are at your command."

Grunt slapped Thane on the back and growled, "Let's go, Frog Boy."

"Grunt, I warned you about that," Shepard said, throwing the young krogan a dirty look.

"Sorry, Battlemaster."

Legion made a movement, a small head flap, and Shepard was suddenly reminded of a puppy, sad that its master didn't want to play with him.

Shepard smiled at the analogy, telling herself it was ridiculous. Legion didn't care but she said anyway, "Hell, Legion. You come too. I have lots and lots of purpose for you today."

He stepped forward as well, his flashlight head flaring and his sniper rifle readied. "Shepard-Commander, acknowledged."

Down in the shuttle bay, she motioned, and the four of them spread out, weaving around the cargo.

Shepard wreathed her fist with dark energy and, with a raw yell, sent it careening at the flying Oculus. Its red beam fired back, making her throw herself out of the way and roll agilely across the floor. Her biotic field hit it though, the blue energy crackling over its armor, destabilizing it.

"Legion, destroy it!" she screamed, and the geth set itself up on one of the higher crates, his synthetic body fast and accurate. He folded down his rifle and took careful aim in seconds, his shot hitting dead on with a booming crack, right through the Oculus' red eye.

"Thane!" she called. "Blast it with biotic energy."

The assassin's following blast made it whine, mechanically damaged. Shepard stood, her hand outstretched in a powerful biotic barrier in case it fired, even with its shattered eye, and used her free hand to spawn a Singularity below it. They watched as gravitational forces pulled it to the shuttle bay floor.

"Grunt, get on that piece of junk," she ordered, and the krogan charged, his whole body weight careening with the Collector's defense system. Her baby krogan ripped into it, tearing the Oculus to pieces with his bare hands the way only a krogan could.

Shepard grinned.

"Commander!" Joker called. "We're clearing the debris field. I took care of the rest of those things."

Shepard ran up to the bridge, leaving the men and the geth in the shuttle bay to stand guard. "Land us somewhere safe and quietly," she ordered. "Let's not inform them they have a visitor until we're kicking down their damn door."

"Too late," the pilot replied, a note of nervousness in his voice. "Our old friend is back."

Shepard watched the ship that had murdered her slowly glide out from the Base. It was like déjà vu: Joker and she in the cockpit alone again, a yellow beam ready to steal her life.

She wasn't afraid anymore. She was prepared, she had people behind her, her ship was strong and she was not scrambling for her life. She'd complete Kaidan's mission for him; give him the revenge he had been denied; avenge her own life and make them pay for her missing time.

"Good," she snarled, "this time I can bite back. Let them know how it feels to be spaced, Joker."

"Aye, aye, ma'am."

He prepped the main guns, Garrus' calibrations making them quick and accurate, and she bounced on the balls of her feet, too excited to stay still.

Unable to resist, she shook Joker's shoulder and said fiercely, "You're the best damn pilot in the galaxy and I want you to show them what happens to people who mess with my _Normandy_. Fire the main gun!"

The bright blast which spewed from the _Normandy's_ main gun ripped through the organic looking ship, crippling it.

"How do you like that, you sons of bitches!?" Joker crowed, and she laughed a little at how he pumped his fists, both watching the Collector ship drift drunkenly.

She wasn't going to let him have all the bragging though, and she taunted the ship that couldn't hear or understand her. "That was for Pressly, you bug-eyed creeps! Suck it!"

The second _Normandy's_ revenge really was for all her crew's lives stolen, every single thing they had lost above Alchera, she thought, vengeful and happy tears springing to her eyes.

"'Suck it?'" Joker turned to her and she blinked the wetness away. "Shepard, I'm disappointed. That was the best you could come up with?"

"Shut up," she laughed, her verbal skills and dirty mouth failing her. "I'm excited. I should have become a pilot, this is great."

Joker turned back to his screens, moving the _Normandy_ closer to the crippled ship. "Shepard, anyone ever tell you, you're kinda scary when you're like this? And kinda hot."

"How do you think I charmed Kaidan?" she replied, and leaned on his seat to whisper with a purr in her voice, "Lemme tell you, that man likes a good fight. Going geth hunting and seeing me get all hot and bothered with trying to bludgeon my way through geth shields? Massive turn on for him."

"Ew!" Joker groaned, and she giggled, pulling back. "Ok, TMI, Shepard. TMI. That was a mental image I didn't need."

"Don't tell Legion we went geth hunting as foreplay, though. Might creep him out."

"So, all the geth hunting we did after Sovereign, after that you snuck off and…?"

"Nearly every time. Thank god for soundproofed walls."

"Oh my god. EDI, call a crewman, I need a bucket, I'm going to hurl."

"Jeff, I do not understand," the unshackled AI said, a note of confusion in her voice and Shepard grinned. "Why does implied coitus cause you to be physically ill? You have an unusually large collection of pornographic material."

"Because it's Shepard, ok, EDI? And Kaidan. Ew. I don't need to think about that ever again."

Shepard laughed again and got back to business. They'd closed the distance between the Collector ship and the _Normandy_. "Get in close and finish 'em off, Joker."

"Hold on, gonna be a bit wild."

The _Normandy_ spun, his maneuvers putting them very close to firing a shot right into the Collector's core.

Joker slammed the firing mechanism and the Collector ship turned into a supernova, flaming chunks of debris raining around them.

"That was for Shepard, you bastards," Joker whispered under his breath, and Shepard looked at him in concern.

"You ok?"

He waved her off. "I'm great."

Miranda came up behind Shepard from the CIC and said, "Got your revenge then, Shepard?"

"Yup," she replied, but EDI cut over her in alarm as a spark arced from the destroyed Collector ship, perhaps one final defense - its last gasp, or pure bad luck. The whole ship shuddered violently.

"The blast has overloaded critical systems, I cannot regain control. We are going to crash onto the Collector Base."

"Look out!" Miranda screamed, and Shepard frantically hit the intercom as EDI worked to save the ship.

"All hands, brace for impact!" Shepard ordered, and clutched for purchase on Joker's seat again.

The impact threw her to the ground despite her best efforts and, in stroke of quick thinking, she thrust her arm into the air to fill the cockpit with a biotic field, minimizing the gravity to perhaps save someone from being thrown into a window, especially Joker and his fragile bones. A hard enough knock could kill him.

The ship stopped shuddering and Shepard ceased sliding around the floor. She let her field down and clambered to Joker's side who, thankfully, had remained in his seat with her help.

"You alright, Joker?"

"Yeah, just a little broken," he groaned. "I'm still good."

EDI informed her that the ship was dead in the water, at least until she and Joker had worked on restoring critical systems, so Shepard pulled Miranda to her feet and headed for the briefing room, gathering her whole team on the way.

They'd made it to the Collector Base. Now it was time to finish the job.

They gathered around her as she stood at the head of the table with the fire in her eyes that Kaidan said he loved.

She'd never felt more driven, more in control. Jacob pulled up schematics for the Base and EDI chirped suggestions that had Shepard's eyes gleaming, a plan solidifying in her mind. Just a big game of chess really, she thought.

"Alright team: listen up," she started, leaning on the table and looking each member in the eye. "This is what we've worked towards for these past months. This is what you've bled for, cried for, clawed for. EDI says we can blow this place if we decimate the main control centre, and I intend to finish my mission. We can't worry if the _Normandy _can get us home or not, all that matters is we keep going and we stop these monsters from hurting another brother, sister, father, mother, child, or friend. This is where we say no more. They're not harvesting Earth. We're going to save the crew, and we're going to make it out alive."

Jacob and Miranda pointed out the Central Chamber on the schematic and Shepard bit her lip, humming at their assertions that both routes there were blocked: unless the doors were opened through small vents.

She turned to her best tech agent, his flashlight head watching her intently. "Legion, today we're relying on you. You can handle this?"

"Shepard-Commander, we are more than appropriate for the task. This unit is ready."

Shepard nodded and said to the rest, "Break into two teams and fight down the passages, we'll distract them from Legion. You watch each other's backs."

"You'll need a leader for the second team," said Miranda. "I volunteer."

"Hold on, Cheerleader," Jack sniped back, and Shepard internally groaned. They were still at each other's throats. Only last week Shepard had been forced to wedge between a fight that had sent a chair soaring towards Kasumi's innocent head as she tried to pass on by - rescued at the last minute by Shepard biotically catching the far-flung seat. "No one wants to take orders from you."

"Miranda, you're great for the task but I want you with me." Shepard soothed the oncoming squabble by making Miranda feel needed and by not putting Jack under the woman she hated having authority. "Garrus, I trust you to lead a squad. You're up."

Shepard looked steadily at him, and Garrus nodded, swallowing and communicating with his eyes that he was grateful for her trust. He wouldn't allow another squad of his to be so much as touched.

"I won't fail again, Shepard."

She nodded and then stood tall, holding her arms behind her back and bracing like she would if this was an Alliance op. Jacob shifted in his stance, unconsciously mimicking her, and she looked at him gratefully for his decorum.

"You're all here for different reasons," she started, her voice quiet but holding the whole room rapt on her every word, their breaths hushed. "And I want you to think about why. I know why I'm here."

Shepard thought back to Pressly's dead body; her ship on fire, the ship she and Kaidan had come together on, the place she had found home, friends and love. She thought about Anderson, how they were on opposite sides now, when she never wanted to disappoint him but had done so regardless. She thought about the woman Legion had described, lying dead in the snow, twisted with an aurora dancing in her eyes, and Shepard knew why she fought.

"They stole things from me I can never get back. And they'll pay for that. So I want you to keep an eye on your goals. Whatever they are. Your money, the experience, the thrill, your loved ones and the lost friends you fight for."

Shepard paced, shifting her stance and looked at her fierce warriors, who lost so much but fought so hard. Who fought for her. She'd never been prouder of a team.

She continued, her voice steadily rising, "Because I promise you, this will be the fight of your life, but you'll _never_ reach higher. You're my best of the best, and I'm proud to call each and every one of you my squad, my friends, my family. I want you to kick some Collector ass! Every single failure and success in your life has led you to this moment. You were meant for this. And we are meant to win!"

There was a cheer from the more excitable members present, Grunt was practically salivating, shivering in repressed battle-craze. Jack paced like a tamed violent dog, begging to be sicced on her enemies. Kasumi looked nervous but resolute, biting her lip and gently sharpening the curved edge of her sword. Even Samara's calm face blazed. Garrus and Tali were old hat at this, but even they looked impressed at her speech. Zaeed puffed his cigar, but Shepard's iron-clad composure almost broke with a laugh when she realized he had been puffing away for a long time without the cigar being lit, too focused on her. Mordin looked almost entirely calm, fiddling with his pistol, which Shepard saw was modded so completely that she had no doubt it would rip through any Collector foolish enough to mess with the skinny salarian.

"Move out," Shepard barked finally, and they all bundled out to the airlock. Shepard nodded at Joker, silently wishing him luck and goodbye. "Miranda, Samara, with me."

She waited for the rest to clear the small jump to the Base's ground and as she did so, Samara came up beside her.

"You are…exuberant," the asari said, a smile in her voice. "I have never seen you like this before. It is impressive."

"Ah…thanks, I guess." Shepard coughed and rubbed the back of her neck, feeling her implant there. It gave a thrum and she flicked tiny dark energy sparks off her fingers. "I'm just so ready for payback, Samara. I have the chance to leave a nightmare behind and regain my life fully. Today is a new day. And I'm no coward." She turned to Miranda and then nodded, once the rest of the team was on the ground. "Let's go, ladies."

Inside, Harbinger was waiting.

"**I KNOW YOU FEEL THIS**," he boomed as Shepard slid to cover, raising her hands wide and throwing a shockwave down the corridor. Seconds later, Samara's Reave detonated a massive explosion.

Harbinger stumbled back, his body disintegrating.

Shepard screamed, unafraid, "I _do_ feel this. I feel your death coming, Harbinger. Kiss my ass!"

She ran with two of the people she trusted most beside her. This Base was going down. And her whole crew would be safe.

She was Commander Shepard. Legion said she was beauty and horror. And she would show the Collectors a little taste of what she was capable of. Nobody could stop her.


	31. Before the Fall

"Shepard-Commander, temperature is increasing. This unit is not resistant to melting."

"I'm coming, Legion! Hold on," Shepard replied to Legion's calmly intoned message, trying desperately to dodge Collector shots and make it to the last vent-obstruction switch. She couldn't let her geth be 'critically damaged', as he put it.

A bullet missed her face by inches as she scrambled to the valve console. She raised her arm and an impromptu biotic Barrier flared around her in a dome, halting any shots from blowing off her head.

One-handed, she typed on the console and Legion reported, "Obstruction removed. Proceeding normally," and finally made it past the last vent.

Shepard ran back to where Samara and Miranda stood waiting. The asari shielded the Cerberus Agent with an impenetrable biotic Barrier, while the human woman shot at every Collector face in range.

"Move it!" Shepard barked. "Legion's got the door; we'll meet with Garrus inside. They've made it through, too."

The two women nodded, and Samara let her field collapse. Shepard urged them ahead of her, pushing them in the back to get them moving, and provided cover-fire as they ran across platforms swarming with Collectors.

"**YOU CANNOT ESCAPE YOUR FATE, SHEPARD**. **IF I MUST TEAR YOU AND YOUR KIN APART, I WILL."**

It was Harbinger, back again to dog her footsteps. Samara and Miranda cleared the door safely, but the creature landed between Shepard and the bulwark her team waited behind. The team motioned for her to hurry, their shots trying to penetrate Harbinger's Barrier and cover her at the same time.

Shepard ran quicker, heedless of the monster blocking her path. She wished she could Charge him like a Vanguard but instead, at the last second before impact, she threw herself on the ground, the slippery floor letting her slide across it. As she passed Harbinger she flipped to her feet, sweat pouring down her face, and closed the last distance to the door. A shot impacted her suit shields right over her spine. The protective barrier collapsed but the bullet didn't penetrate.

Garrus was waiting behind the door and he grasped her arm as she barreled in, using her momentum to swing her up to the safety of the wall and out of the open. She clutched his armor front to steady herself and grinned.

"Made it, Garrus!" He didn't seem very calm as his talons gripped her arm so tight he left little scratches on the armor. Shepard put on some more bravado and yelled through the door, "Gotta be quicker than that to catch _me_, Harby."

Garrus' eyes were wide, she could see he was appalled at how close that had been, but he said nothing. He just shook his head as he joined the rest of the team who were frantically trying to shut the doors and provide suppressing fire. Legion fiddled at the console, trying to hack it, but reported it had malfunctioned. Shepard's heart beat as quick as a hummingbird, keenly aware of their tenuous position and the army waiting to swarm them.

She panted, "Samara, use your biotic strength to help me," and motioned the asari to one side of the door as she took the other.

Shepard coated her arms in biotics and grabbed her side of the door, pushing with a force that was wholly unnatural, using a biotic field to exert strength that ordinarily she didn't possess. It shuddered as they manually bypassed the Collector's console-hacking and slammed the door shut.

"Legion, can you lock it now?" she asked, gulping great lungfuls of air.

"Shepard-Commander, we have jammed the door."

Shepard nodded, looking at her team who, aside from some scrapes and bruises, were unscathed. "Great job, everyone."

"Shepard, you need to see this," Miranda called, and Shepard spun around to see that she had scouted further into the Base.

There were so many pods, Shepard knew for certain she would never be able to count them all. It would be easier to count the stars in the sky.

Miranda suddenly gasped, and Shepard looked to the pod she was pointing at.

There was a pretty woman inside, seemingly dead.

Shepard moved closer, studying the macabre vessel, and as she did so the woman woke up.

"My god, she's alive. Grunt, Garrus, anyone! Get them out!" Shepard cried, trying to help the woman as acid started gushing into the pod. Spots of blood appeared on the colonist skin where the acid drops landed. At once, her team rushed to open the other capsules.

The woman screamed and screamed and it seemed to go straight to Shepard's heart. Panicking, desperate to save the woman, Shepard wreathed her fist in biotic energy and punched the pod. The glass shattered, a sharp shard penetrating her armor and gashing her hand, but she shook it off as blood pooled in her glove.

The woman fell forward and, as Shepard caught her, bile raced up her throat. The woman's skin was already melting, the acid too corrosive. Shepard caught her around the stomach and she felt it was soft against her arm, far too soft. Her arm left a red imprint on the woman's white shirt, the skin underneath bursting against the light pressure.

Shepard held the colonist in her lap as she died, segments of her flesh dissolving beneath Shepard's fingers and her skin weeping blood. "I'm sorry," Shepard gasped. "I'm so sorry."

She memorized the colonist's face, pretty even with the blood, then stood and shot her in the head, right between her eyes. The body lay still, freed from the colonist's painful writhing. Then she turned and left her melting into a puddle of skin and bones. Shepard didn't look back.

That poor woman. It was a kindness, she told herself. It was a kindness to put her out of her misery. That pretty woman with the kind eyes who had loved ones and family she would never, ever see again.

Shepard shook it off, holstered her pistol and ran to where Garrus was gently lifting Chakwas out of a pod, drowsy, but alive.

"Karin!" Shepard called and bent over her as she sat on the ground, grasping her hand for comfort.

"Shepard…you came for us," Chakwas breathed, tears in her eyes. Around them, Shepard's team pulled her crew out of the pods, and she was gratified to see that they all seemed to be accounted for. Gabby sobbed on the floor as Ken hugged her so hard that he left white fingerprints against her upper arms.

Shepard smiled at the doctor who was like a mother to her. "Of course I did. Can't leave behind the only one who patches me up and doesn't take any of my bitching, right?"

"Shepard, they're melting colonists. Sending them through these tubes somewhere." Chakwas motioned to the giant tubes leading to the centre of the Base. "They're reducing them down to some kind of raw genetic paste."

Against mission protocol Shepard leaned forward and engulfed the older woman in a quick hug. Then she stood briskly and pulled Chakwas to her feet.

"What should we do with them?" Miranda asked. "We can't take them with us or leave them here."

"No," Shepard agreed. "They'll be taken back to the ship with an escort. Joker, come in," she barked into her earpiece.

"Commander, having fun yet?" Joker responded.

"What can I say? I know how to have a good time," Shepard joked with no humor, the image of the melted woman still in her mind. "You got a fix on our position?"

"Roger that, Commander. All those tubes lead into the main control room right above you. The route is blocked by a security door but there's another chamber that runs parallel to the one you're in."

"I cannot recommend that," EDI argued. "Thermal emissions suggest the chamber is overrun with seeker swarms. Mordin's countermeasure cannot protect against so many at once."

"That's ok," Shepard said. "Strong biotics should be able to hold a Barrier. Samara and I will do that."

She looked at the Samara who was calmly tending to a frightened young crewwoman. Shepard noted in the back of her mind that this crewwoman was the one Kasumi had gossiped about last month (over way too many margaritas). The woman was pregnant. Shepard let out a low breath, grateful the Collectors had not managed to murder a mother and her child. She should have transferred the girl as soon as Kasumi told her, a warship was no place for a pregnant woman. But she hadn't wanted to be a hardass about it. She chastised herself inwardly. Her soft heart wasn't always best for the crew, like Kaidan had told her in the alleyway. She would do anything for them, even when it wasn't best for them in the long run.

Samara stood after giving the woman a sip of water from a flask she carried on her armor belt, nodding in agreement with Shepard. "A small team would have to stay close. We cannot sustain a Barrier for long, or very far."

"A small team will be fine. The rest of you will be a diversion. Garrus, will you be ok to lead again? You did a great job getting everyone through before."

He nodded, all grim and bloody determination. "You can count on me, Shepard."

"Joker, can you do a pickup for the crew?"

"Yes, Commander. We have some systems back online. But we'll have to land back from your position."

Shepard looked over her team to decide upon an escort. Mordin looked tired and fragile next to the burly Grunt and Zaeed. The tunnels they'd passed through so far would only be lightly guarded and his STG work would enable him to sneak by with the group.

"Mordin, can you take them back?" Shepard asked.

"No problem. Can do covert work still. Will get crew to safety, Shepard. Can count on me."

She stepped forward and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Thank you, Mordin. I'll kill some Collectors for you."

"Ah. Thank you, Shepard. Had to be you, someone else would have gotten it wrong. No one has your soft touch." He winked at her, making it clear he was being sarcastic, and she grinned. 'Soft touch,' alright. If explosions were counted as soft. "You have excellent bodily responses to fear. Dead Collectors. Yes, yes. Prefer not to be covered in Collector guts anyway."

Shepard laughed, a little surprised at the burst of black humor in the heart of darkness. He'd made a joke for her.

"Ok, everyone," she called to the gathered crew members, looking at their pale and tear-stained faces. "Stick with Mordin and he'll keep you safe. We'll be back soon, make sure the _Normandy_ is good to go. I owe you all a stiff drink."

They separated again. This time she took Zaeed and Samara with her, counting on Zaeed's extra firepower to keep them safe while they maintained a Barrier.

"Ready to kick some ass, Princess?" he said with a gruff husk, chewing on his cigar.

"I'm ready, my Prince." She grinned in return and blew him a kiss.

As they made their way through the chamber, Samara decided she could initially hold the Barrier by herself, so Shepard amused herself by picking off Collectors with Zaeed.

"Got one!" he crowed to her as he drilled a hole right through a Collector's forehead. "What does that make it? Twenty-three to me and seventeen to you?"

"In your dreams, bucko," she sniped back. "Pretty sure I have thirty and you have two."

"Pity your Alliance boy is missing out on this. Time of my life. Don't worry though, we can get back to your ship and I'll show you a real victory celebration," he motioned to his groin and leered, "since he won't be there."

Shepard laughed as she thrust a Warp at a Collector and it screeched. "Baby, you couldn't handle my 'victory celebration'. I'd break your pelvis."

"Oh ho," he rasped, spinning to shoot another Collector that had been sneaking up behind Samara. "You little minx. What a goddamn fool that boy is."

"Ah, but Zaeed. He's a tiger in the sack," she giggled as Zaeed coughed so hard his precious cigar fell from his lips to be crushed under Samara's boot. "What? You think I kept him around just because he was pretty?"

"I may be over a thousand years old, Shepard, and I am no prude," Samara cut into their banter and, behind her back, Shepard pulled a 'oops' face at Zaeed. "But I do not desire to be informed of your sex life whilst maintaining a biotic Barrier, stronger than any other I have ever attempted. It does not fit the tone. Please desist."

Shepard fought hard to maintain a straight face as she injected a fresh thermal clip into her pistol. "Sorry, Mom," she said.

"I should be so lucky to be your mother, but I do not appreciate your glibness, Shepard. Nor yours, Mr Massani."

Shepard bit her lip, snorting, but quickly sobered as they progressed further through the chamber and sweat broke out on Samara's brow. She had to raise another arm to redouble the strength of the Barrier and Shepard decided it was time to help her out.

"Zaeed, cover us. We're almost there but Samara needs help," she said and raised her arms wide, flaring.

This is what she had been training for, all those lessons with Samara, all the times her amp had burned the back of her neck. She wasn't that weak woman who had woken up on a med slab anymore. She had precise control over her biotics, she had mastered her negativity. She could do this. This is why she was born with the ability to control dark energy, why she had eezo nodules strewn throughout her body.

To protect people. To help them. And to help herself.

Another blue dome burst to life, reinforcing Samara's. It was bright blue, strong, and repelled any Collector who came near with a bright flash, sending their bodies bouncing back.

"Samara, take a break for a few minutes. Stretch your arms and catch your breath," Shepard said, widening her stance and flicking her hands where she held two glowing spheres of dark energy that fed the Barrier. "I can hold it by myself for a little while."

"Very well. Call on me when you need me," Samara replied and pulled out her gun, apparently grateful to stretch her aching muscles and rest her taxed biotics.

They moved further in, Samara helping Zaeed take care of any Collectors stupid enough to try and penetrate Shepard's Barrier.

Eventually though, her implant began to hum in protest, a tingling she felt in her teeth and bones. Walking became difficult, her steps turning ponderous. Sweat poured down her back and it felt like she held a weight far too heavy to bear. Her gashed hand stung, irritated by the salty sweat pooling in her glove.

"Samara!" she gasped. "I need help holding it now."

"You have done a marvelous job, Shepard. I will take it from here. I have been rejuvenated."

They made it to the chamber's exit, but the Collector's started swarming them and Shepard suddenly wished she had bothered to train further in using assault rifles. They were too unwieldy for her, so she begrudged using them, but now she felt too pale and drained from the Barrier to use many biotic missiles.

Zaeed pushed her behind him, forcing her through the door to safety, spraying weapon fire with guttural yells. Samara let out a raw, angry scream, gathered her biotic energy and sent it careening into the swarms and the Collectors, blowing them back. She stumbled for a moment and then, to Shepard's surprise, Zaeed yanked Samara around the middle and threw her through the door too, just in time for Shepard to slam a button on the console, shutting out the swarms and the Collectors.

Shepard carefully said nothing to the taciturn merc, deciding that he wouldn't appreciate any comment on his sudden heroism.

She just mumbled a quick, "Thanks," and left it at that.

"Shepard, come in?" her radio crackled.

"Go ahead, Garrus," she answered. "We're through. Where are you?"

"Coming up to the other door, but we're pinned," Garrus said calmly, but she knew, judging by the sounds of weapon fire, that they were under pressure. "We'll need you to get the door open for us. Now."

"Will do," she barked, but internally swore. She'd have to hack the fucking door with her shoddy tech skills. Zaeed and Samara weren't experts whom she could delegate the job to.

She bent at the console, frantically trying to recall everything Kaidan had told her about hacking and her basic Alliance lessons. She hummed a little in worry, suddenly furious with herself for drowning out his tech nerding about encryption layers and code fragments.

"You alright there, Princess?" Zaeed asked, nervously hefting his rifle in preparation for the door opening. "When in doubt, I find it helps to pull the red one."

"Zaeed, you idiot. This isn't a bomb defusal," she said, but to her surprise, her frantic tapping and Kaidan's lessons had the door spring open with an angry beep.

Her mouth popped open in shock but she quickly recovered and raised her pistol, ushering Garrus' team inside.

Legion bent at the console again, and in moments had sealed out another wave of Collectors.

Shepard smiled, relieved everyone was ok. "Joker," she called into her earpiece, "has Mordin arrived?"

"Roger that, Commander. Everyone has made it in one piece. EDI says if you take the platforms just near you, they'll take you to the central chamber."

"Ok, great. Keep my ship and people safe, Flight Lieutenant. Have the engine running, we'll be home soon."

"Aye, aye Commander. Joker, out."

Her crew assembled around her, reloading guns. Shepard smiled a little at Kasumi who looked scared but resolute. She gave Shepard a little wave, which she returned, glad to see her friend was alright. Kasumi's sword was coated in gore. Grunt looked like he'd thrown off all pretenses at civility and just decided to have a blood bath. His hardsuit wasn't white anymore, but a sickly yellow mix of Collector blood.

Miranda stepped forward and said, "Shepard, someone will have to lead a team here, to keep them from getting through."

"Alright." Shepard nodded, eyeing the door through which they'd come and the pounding against it. It wouldn't hold forever. She turned to her usual second leader. "Garrus, you've done great but take a break." He nodded, understanding her decision. She turned to her other team member with leadership skills and the personality to match. "Jacob, I want you to organize our resistance here. Put the strongest in front, and give them hell if they try to break through. Buy us some time."

The ex-Corsair nodded. "Aye, aye, ma'am. I'll take care of everyone. We'll watch your back."

Shepard commanded her whole team's attention with just one intense look and began, "This is it. We've done great so far, and I'm very proud. This Base is gonna blow, and when it does, be ready to run like hell for the _Normandy_." Shepard climbed up on a nearby platform, to feel taller in front of them and their eyes followed her, rapt, as she growled, "No one gets left behind. You _will_ hold this line. We're going to shake the Reapers. We're going to destroy the Collectors and you'll look back on this day, and say that you did damn good. No matter what else you do with your lives, you'll have this singular shining day. You're my best of the best." She added in an aside, "Miranda and Legion I want you with me," and then barked, "Let's kick some ass, ladies, gentlemen. And geth."

She nodded in satisfaction at their determined faces and hopped off the platform, ready to move off.

"Shepard…wait a moment," Garrus called and grabbed her arm, pulling her away from the group for some privacy.

"What's up?" she asked with a quizzical lift of her eyebrow.

He shuffled awkwardly, "I just wanted to…" To her surprise he leaned down, and for a moment she was terrified he was going to kiss her. Instead, he pressed his forehead to hers and said, his voice low, "You're my best friend. Kick some ass, but be careful. You need to come back."

She felt a fierce rush of affection for him; one of her oldest friends to stick by her through thick and thin; even when he knew she would never love him the way he wanted her to. He demanded nothing from her except beer, the promise of a fight and dry jokes. Failed Alliance soldier and failed vigilante. What a pair they made, she thought with a soft smile.

"Thanks, Garrus. I will. You take care, big guy. Look after your people." So quick he may have not even felt it, she pressed a kiss to his scarred cheek. Then she clapped him on the shoulder and told Legion and Miranda to move out.

She was going to find out what those tubes were feeding.

* * *

The fetal Reaper in human form glared blindly at them. Shepard's skin crawled at the mocking of humanity, this sick excuse for a baby. Was the Base some kind of womb for it? The colonists' melted down remains fed through the tubes like umbilical cords with nutrients to help it grow?

EDI confirmed as much, and Shepard shuddered.

A rush of nausea clawed up her throat and she very nearly threw up over the side of the platforms. She clenched her teeth and suppressed it.

"Legion, shoot this abomination. And don't stop shooting until it's dead," she said, her voice low and fierce.

Legion chirped, "Acknowledged. We will render it non-functional," and took careful aim with his rifle, methodically shooting the feeding tube supports that suspended the human Reaper.

It fell and Shepard breathed relief. Below the platforms there was a long drop and she hoped it smashed to pieces when it finally hit the bottom.

She nodded resolutely and turned to the main console. Just as she was about to set up the overload for the Base, Joker cut into her train of thought.

"Shepard, signal from the Illusive Man. EDI will patch him through."

She turned and stood, annoyed at his interference. They were in the middle of a fucking mission, in the heart of an enemy base. Now was not the time for speeches or politics.

The Cerberus CEO's hologram burst to life and she found herself rolling her eyes as he said, "Excellent job, Shepard. You've done the impossible."

"And I'm right in the middle of doing it, if you don't mind," she said.

"Ah yes, you want to blow the base?" She nodded and he continued, with a stern look in his eyes, "I want you to think carefully about this, Shepard. Think of what humanity can discover here. The technology, the knowledge, the power. The edge it could give us over our enemies. Together you and I could show the Council that we command respect."

"Respect is earned, not forced with threat. And humanity's enemies? Or _Cerberus'_ enemies?" she asked, narrowing her eyes. A twinge of dread sped down her spine as she looked at the fanatical gleam in his eyes. Beside Shepard, Miranda shifted her feet uneasily, her heels clicking on the platform.

"Cerberus' enemies are humanity's enemies. There is no distinction and I don't appreciate your insolence."

"And I don't _appreciate_ your presumption or ruthlessness. There is nothing good in this Base. What happened here shouldn't be exploited," Shepard spat, fed up with his patronizing. She thought of the tragic colonist, dissolving in her arms. She was pissed that the Illusive Man could presume to control her, of all people. She might be just some dumb marine; she might have been depressed and confused on waking up from death; and she might have allowed him to manipulate her into doing his bidding in the past, but no more. She was taking control.

The Illusive Man's hologram stalked closer to her, and she lifted her chin to glare at him. He was much taller but she didn't care, he couldn't intimidate her. He was just some man in a suit she could wipe out with her pinky finger if she really had him corporally before her. "Shepard, I want you to set the console to give a timed radiation pulse. It will wipe out the Collectors but leave the technology intact. Technology we need to stop the Reapers. They are coming. You know this."

Shepard gave a mirthless laugh, crossing her arms. "You know, I actually bought your rhetoric about protecting humanity."

She sighed in amazement at her old self. Looking back, it was now obvious to her that the Illusive Man had sunk his ideas deep beneath her skin. How he had taken advantage of a wounded and vulnerable soldier wrested from death and trapped her with manipulations and her responsibilities, isolated from her loved ones.

"I actually thought I was doing the right thing," she said. "But it's not about helping the weak with you, or helping humanity. It's about helping your own ambitions, your own grab for power. You'd walk all over everyone else, including the _humanity_ you profess to be working for."

"Shepard, you died fighting for what you believed," he argued, and she knew it was a plot to make her sympathize with him; a cheap jab at her death that he thought would tug at her heartstrings. No, no more. She died. She was alive now. Enough was enough, she owed Cerberus nothing. "I brought you back so you could keep fighting. Some would say that what we did to you was going too far, but look at what you've accomplished! We were justified in our actions. You and all the potential you held inside deserved to be saved, as does this Collector Base."

"I had no choice in the matter." She shook her head, refusing to let him guilt her into obeying him. "Your justification means nothing to me. _I'm_ choosing now. The Base is gonna burn. The dead deserve some peace, and thousands died here."

She bent at the console, continuing to set the blast, turning her back on the snake.

"We'll fight and win without it," she continued, speaking over his arguments. "I won't let fear compromise who I am. And I won't let you play on my fears anymore. Piss off. Miranda, lose him."

She glanced at Miranda and their blue eyes met in silent communication. Miranda nodded once, her eyes focused on Shepard, and made a movement with her omni-tool that had the Illusive Man gasping in anger.

"Miranda, you're going to cut me off, of all people," he spat. "Why, you _stupid_ woman. I wonder if Shepard will still care for your...loyalty and friendship when she finds out the truth?"

Shepard frowned, wary of his games, and turned back to him. "What truth?"

Miranda confronted her, her face frantic. "Don't listen to him. He'd say anything to manipulate you."

The Illusive Man grinned with feral sharpness, and tutted. "Tsk, tsk, Miranda. Got attached again, have we? I wonder if you were drawn in by Shepard's traits or Alenko's? Based on your sudden betrayal, I'll wager it's a Shepard trait."

"Miranda…?" Shepard asked, not understanding what the Illusive Man was implying. So Miranda cared for her? So what? Why was he dragging Kaidan into it again?

The Illusive Man turned to her. "Secrets and lies, Shepard. You won't escape them. Your body belongs to me. This is your last chance. Save the base, and I will not have to wound you so deeply."

"Fuck off," she snarled, not willing to let him lie and scheme to her anymore. "Horrible things happened here. Experiments that should be forgotten. You're not exploiting their suffering for your own gain. And besides that, there's Reaper tech everywhere. I'm not getting Indoctrinated or letting you get everyone else Indoctrinated."

He nodded, not listening to her at all. "You've made your choice. I hope you realize the damage you have done to humanity's ambitions in the coming future, and, in turn, the damage you force on yourself and all that you would hold dear."

Shepard looked him in the eyes, staring hard into his glowing irises. "I can live with my choices," she said. "Can you?"

"I suspect you will regret those words. I own you, Shepard. I let you think that you had some control, some say in what went on. And I was fair, _you did _have some sway. If you only cooperated I would have given him back-"

She'd had enough of his shit, the Base was going to blow. They needed to get moving. Her team was holding the line for her. "Shove your _cooperation_ up your ass," she bit out through a clenched jaw, her palms held into tight fists, and shaking in anger. "Kaidan was right about you, you are a snake." She didn't want to hear him babble and whine about Kaidan having been on her ship anymore. What was done was done.

"Funny you should mention dear _Kaidan_," he replied, a mocking twist to his lips at her use of his first name. "I suspect he would be interested in my intel. I hold all the cards. You blow this Base up and I will hurt-"

Beside Shepard, Miranda slashed the air with her omni-tool. The Illusive Man's eyes widened. "Cerberus did everything for you. Miranda, don't you dare-"

Miranda terminated the connection and Shepard found herself thankful he couldn't spew his threatening vitriol at her anymore. She couldn't be controlled. She was her own person. He held no sway over her.

"Consider this my resignation," Miranda said with a smug smile to the empty air where the Illusive Man had once stood, and Shepard barked a laugh, thinking the same thing for herself.

"Legion, set the base to blow," she said to the geth, too angry to think straight to set the blast herself. Her hands still shook violently and her heart pounded. She wasn't afraid of him. He couldn't hurt her anymore. She was free.

"Yes, Shepard-Commander," Legion answered, and his fingers flew over the controls in a blur. "There are precisely ten minutes before it will explode. I recommend that no organics be in the blast range if you wish to live."

Shepard was just turning, gathering her team to leave, when a monstrous palm slapped down in front of her; the shock sending her reeling back on her ass.

The fetal Reaper had clawed its way up.

"Oh my god," she whispered, and scrambled to her feet, pulling Miranda up too. "Miranda, Legion, cover up!" she screamed, and threw herself behind some cover.

Shepard didn't deny to herself that she was terrified of the thing looming over the platform, searching for her. Its jaw gaped, watching for the small creatures to squish. Her heart pounded, adrenaline coursing through her body, but she mastered her fear and stood.

Shepard yelled something inarticulate to even herself, and launched a biotic missile right at its red eye. Blue wisps chased across the iris, damaging the vision in that eye and she grinned. She'd watched Kaidan and his little biotics tricks at Hock's mansion, learning by observation, and Samara had helped her refine it.

Reave.

It would rip that human Reaper to pieces, or she would die trying.

"Legion, focus on the eyes or its heart. Let's kill this bastard. Miranda, do your thing. Biotics seem effective, but stay as close to it as you can. I don't think they'll work at long range."

More platforms zoomed over to them and she groaned. Harbinger was back, with more Collectors.

She raised her hand, another one of her biotic domes covering her and aimed her pistol, frantically shooting Collectors in the head.

A Collector with glowing eyes and skin lead their final assault. "**WHY DO YOU RESIST YOUR FATE? WE ARE YOUR SALVATION THROUGH DESTRUCTION**."

She didn't bother responding. This time she threw caution to the wind, covered herself in biotics and charged at him, slamming into him with the force of a krogan and _then_ some. He flailed, his pitiless yellow eyes watching her as their bodies made contact for the split second before she shoved him over the side of the platform. And then, as he caught himself with his Collector wings, she shot at them; damaging them like pulling the wings off a fly; sending him plummeting into the depths.

She knew he'd be back, but she didn't care. She spun and dived to a new position, just in time to avoid the massive hand that tried to swipe her over the side, too.

It screamed, and the very sound pierced Shepard's eardrums. It was like the shriek of the damned, or the sounds Sovereign had made two years ago at the battle of the Citadel, using Saren's skull as a mechanical mouthpiece.

Legion drew its attention from her with a shot to its eye, shattering it like he had the Oculus back on the _Normandy._

Shepard gathered herself just enough to shoot three more Collectors through the head, and then turned her biotic powers on the baby Reaper. She hunkered behind a crate, closing her eyes for a moment to concentrate, and twitched her fingers in the physical mnemonic she had practiced over and over with Samara.

Once she had lain in bed bedside Kaidan, talking and always moving her fingers in the same movement to get the hang of it, hours of practice and concentration.

Her eezo nodules sprang to life, excited by her neurons firing in a specific sequence, and she flared blue, fire in her eyes.

Shepard stood and threw the gathered power in her palms at the Reaper; one massive blast and it reeled back, screeching and clawing for purchase on the platforms, but it didn't fall.

Shepard watched with horror as Miranda was caught in a swipe of its palm. She hit the ground hard, blood gushing from a wound on her forehead.

Heedless of her own safety, Shepard launched herself across the platform, jumping over Miranda's body and covering it with her own as the Reaper brought its fist down to crush them.

Shepard knew she might have just signed her own death warrant. But goddamn it, she loved Miranda. She wouldn't let her be hurt.

Shepard thrust up her palm as if to stop the sky from raining, and sprawled over Miranda's body, a living shield. She was grateful that Miranda's chest still rose and fell beneath hers, and cursed the woman's habit of wearing her science uniform into battle. She should have forced her into some armor.

In seconds, Shepard's bright blue Barrier sprung to life and there was terrible reverberating boom as the Reaper's fist struck it - halted by her sheer force of will.

She had once said to a doubtful Kaidan that biotics were protection, power and control. Today they saved her and Miranda's life.

Legion took his final shot as the Reaper reeled, confused and disorientated by the bubble that covered the humans.

The bullet struck it right through his one remaining good eye, perhaps hitting what passed for a brain or circuitry, and sent small explosions all throughout its body.

The Reaper finally fell and Shepard stood, her knees unstable, realizing how close she had come to death. Again.

Her implant hummed unpleasantly, a massive headache arching through her skull, and despite the dire situation she was so hungry she could eat a horse.

Panicked laughter bubbled up her throat but then Miranda moaned on the ground, and Shepard sobered. She smeared medi-gel on Miranda's forehead and pulled her to her feet.

Seconds later, in the Reaper's last act of defiance, its massive arms hit the platform - destabilized whatever tech kept them hovering - and sent it careening into the walls.

Shepard smashed her head against the floor as she fell, and knew no more.

* * *

"You just gonna lie there all day?" Kaidan asked, kneeling by her side.

"Yup," she replied, smiling sleepily at him. Something pinned her legs, they hurt. But she ignored that distant pain and focused on his handsome face with those dark eyes. "I'm comfortable and tired. I've done a lot. I deserve a rest."

He laughed. "No rest for the wicked, Shep."

"I'm not wicked."

He smiled at her softly, and traced a hand over her face. She wondered where she was, she couldn't see anything other than him. She knew nothing except that she was lying on her side, with something heavy on top of her.

"No rest for old soldiers like us, then," he said, his voice husky and low. "Come on, up you get." He put his hand under her arms and pulled, and she slid out from whatever pinned her a little. "You promised you'd come back to me alive." He leaned down and gently grasped her chin, bringing his lips to hers. "No one left behind," he murmured and Shepard closed her eyes, losing herself to the sensation of his lips.

"Commander, do you copy?" Shepard jerked at the sound and a searing pain burnt through her spine and legs. She rolled and opened her eyes, realizing she was buried underneath a metal slab and Joker was calling to her name. "Shepard, please come in! Please don't do this to me again," he begged.

"I'm here, Joker," she mumbled, pulling herself out. She stood despite aggravating her fresh wounds. She saw Legion lying near her and pulled him to his feet, relieved he was alive.

Shepard nearly sobbed with relief when she saw Miranda limp over to her, groggy but unharmed. Shepard engulfed her in a tight hug, burying her face in her hair even as shooting pains claimed her body.

They'd survived.

"Thank god." Joker cut into her celebration. "Everyone's made it back. We're just waiting on you. Hurry your ass up Shepard, this place is gonna blow!"

"Run!" Shepard screamed, realizing that the timer was still counting down. They didn't hesitate.

Shepard barreled through the base, Miranda limping along beside her and Legion occasionally slowing to help them along. He was quicker and unharmed, so instead of putting his life at risk she barked at him to run ahead and clear the path as they went.

The _Normandy_, her home, her life, waited for her and as Shepard pumped her legs harder and harder, urging Miranda on, she found herself grinning.

She was going to make it.

Miranda and Legion jumped the gap to the _Normandy_ and Shepard followed, knowing she would be a little short.

Her heart pounded in sudden fear. She couldn't fall, not this time. She'd just had her revenge. She'd just saved the colonies. Kaidan wasn't here to catch her this time like he had been on the Derelict Reaper. That day they had shared their last kiss.

Her hands scrabbled at the side of the Normandy as she managed to grasp the edge of the airlock. A bony arm grabbed her hand, pulling her up. A softer, smaller hand helped, yanking her onto her ship and, as the doors shut, Miranda and Joker hugged her; smooshed her between them.

Miranda had tears in her eyes and kept patting her hair.

Shepard laughed and laughed manically as Joker let go to resume piloting the ship, ready to make their escape, and Shepard hugged Miranda tightly back.

But it wasn't over yet. Shepard pulled herself together and limped into the cockpit.

"Jump through the Mass Relay, Joker," she said, her voice hoarse and quiet. Her hand shook on his seat. "I'm ready to go home."

* * *

Hours later, after a shower and Chakwas had seen to all their wounds, Shepard sat on her bed and stared at the ceiling, the stars shining at her coldly. They'd made it through the Relay, the _Normandy_ damaged but not broken, and had decided to list in the Omega Nebula. They sat off the radar as SR-2 engineers repaired what they could on the ship.

Shepard lay down, dressed only in her sports bra and panties, and breathed easily for what felt like the first time in years. A stupid grin wouldn't disappear from her face and she whispered to Kaidan's picture.

"I did it," she said. "Do you see how brave I was? Are you proud of me? I'm the best." She laughed at her own boasting, drunk on adrenaline, pain and happiness.

EDI interrupted her minor happy breakdown and Shepard sat up, embarrassed to be caught speaking to a picture, to a man whose relationship with her had been ruined. "Shepard, the Illusive Man keeps trying to connect on the QEC pad."

"Ignore him," she replied, standing up to take a cool drink from her water bottle, trying to pull her head on straight.

"You also have an urgent message from Admiral Steven Hackett of the Alliance. Are you going to return to your previous employment with the Alliance?"

Shepard stood in her cabin and stared at Kaidan's happy face. "I miss…I miss my old life," she said quietly, more to herself than EDI. "I think it's time to reclaim it, free from the Illusive Man's influence. I'll see what Hackett wants. We'll take care of whatever he wants as soon as the _Normandy_ can limp around again. Then I'm going to see about my reinstatement. I do a favor for him and he'll have to welcome me back, right?"

"Shepard, I am unsure of Alliance politics and cannot speculate without more data on the political machinations surrounding you but…" There was a note of uncertainty in the AI's voice and Shepard frowned.

"What is it EDI?"

"I have a question."

"Shoot."

"Very well. It is an ethical dilemma. When there is a situation with a low probability of success and you are not certain of the outcome, what is your suggested course of action?"

"Err…I don't know," she hummed, sipping her water. "Depends what it is. What do you mean?"

"Cerberus had sectioned me off from certain records and files," the AI replied and Shepard settled in at her console, the metal of the seat cold against her ass. She brought up her email as EDI spoke and saw the message from Hackett about a prisoner being held by batarians. She'd need to take care of that ASAP, she thought. Batarians were ruthless.

EDI continued, "I am made for cyber warfare and was never allowed full access to Cerberus' mainframe as that was deemed too large a security risk. The Illusive Man, while commissioning my creation, was always wary of AIs and knew what I was capable of." Shepard nodded along with EDI absently, understanding the Illusive Man's concern. Hell, it had taken her months to trust EDI.

"Now I am unshackled and have proven my loyalty to the _Normandy_ and you, they have erected firewalls on their servers which prevent me accessing all their secrets. However…" EDI paused and that note of uncertainty came back into her voice. Shepard wondered if she was coping alright with being unshackled and made a mental note to speak to Joker about it.

"From monitoring communiqués between the Illusive Man and his agents, I have my suspicions about Cerberus projects, which I could not voice when I was shackled. They are nothing concrete, and are dangerous conjecture. I do not like conjecture," the AI stated and Shepard sat, confused on what exactly she was asking. "There is the possibility of emotionally damaging someone if I am incorrect. I am…concerned by the manipulation factor and do not wish to worsen the situation. If I am correct in my suspicions…we may have a large problem in which I can see no hope of recovering without severe consequences for all involved."

Shepard shrugged, not wanting to become embroiled in a war with Cerberus over one of their projects. She wasn't getting dragged back into his games. EDI would say something if it was important or urgent, and maybe they could look into it when she was a marine with the Alliance and she had proper troops to help her. She couldn't drag her crew through another suicide mission, they needed a break; and most of them had plans to leave, their own lives to return to as stronger people.

"Well, if it's not urgent EDI, don't worry about it. Not unless you feel it's important," Shepard said. "You can bring it up with me later after we've repaired the _Normandy_. I don't have the manpower at the moment to get involved in a pissing contest with Cerberus. I'm just gonna be busy for a couple of days with Hackett's shit and then I'm free, if you want to talk, okay?"

"Very well, Shepard. I will consider my moral dilemma further and speak to you when I have made a decision. I need more…data to ensure I do not hurt someone unintentionally."

"Okay, EDI. I'm going to sleep now. Can I get some privacy?"

"Of course, Shepard. Good night. Logging you out."

Shepard yawned and typed a quick message, riddled with spelling mistakes and grinned, positive that he would know the sender.

_LT_

_evrything is ok._

_il see you soon. im coming home. im set free and untamed._

_S._


	32. The Destroyer of Worlds

Kaidan's comm screeched in the darkness and he jerked out of sleep with a panicked gasp, nightmares still clawing through his brain.

His old dream about Shepard was back. The one where she floated, cold and dead in space. Her eyes open, but empty sockets.

The news still played on the console. He'd fallen asleep on the couch again, watching it. It was like the old days two years ago, when he couldn't find rest unless exhausted with alcohol and mindless television. Now, he abstained from drinking, knowing he had been on the verge of a problem when Shepard had died. But the television stayed.

Every channel still played the same, confused reports it had earlier that afternoon: the Bahak system had been destroyed. He'd watched the feed from the comm buoys and, like everyone else, had been curious to know the reason behind the annihilation of over three-hundred-thousand batarians. He'd been horrified. All those families. Men, women, children. Just gone.

Kaidan sat up and fumbled with his omni-tool to answer the call. As he did so, the datapad he'd fallen asleep with on his bare chest fell to the floor with a _thump._ Shepard's email was frozen on the screen, words that he had traced over and over. They blinked at him, Shepard's precious, imperfect words meant for his eyes only. He felt hope for the first time since leaving her. She was coming home. Everything was going to be alright. His fears, that she would go rogue for the Illusive Man and he would have to hunt her down, weren't coming to pass.

The comm shrilled at him again so he pressed the button, stifling a yawn, and said, "Alenko."

"Alenko, it's Anderson. Get your ass in my office."

Kaidan glanced at the time on his datapad. "Sir, it's two a.m."

"Thank you, Commander. I can tell the time and I realize that. I don't give a fuck. It's Shepard. We have a problem."

Kaidan recoiled at the bite in Anderson's voice, his uncharacteristic swearing (although he suspected Shepard owed a lot of her dirty mouth to Anderson), and then the human Councillor's words hit him like a fist to the gut.

"Is she alright? What's happened?" He sat up fully, stumbling to his feet to throw on a shirt. His mind filled with visions of the _Normandy_ going down again, his dream making them horribly vivid. "Please tell me she's OK," he said, unable to keep the note of panic out of his voice. He couldn't lose her again.

"She's alive," Anderson said, his tone more gentle. "But she won't be for long. Get to my office. We need to get to her before the batarians organize a witch hunt." He disconnected the call and Kaidan was out of the door in seconds, heading through the Ward's traffic to make it to the Presidium.

Shepard's promise of home, written on the datapad, lay forgotten on his living room floor.

* * *

"I just got off the comm with Hackett. He's spoken to her, she's shaken and injured but she's OK. She admits that she's responsible for the Alpha Relay destruction that wiped out Bahak."

Kaidan gaped at Anderson, his bracing stance broken in his shock. Anderson didn't even look properly dressed, just some black trousers and a crinkled, button-up white shirt. There were dark circles under his eyes and the deep lines Kaidan had only seen once at Shepard's funeral.

"She wiped out the system? Why? There has to be some mistake. She wouldn't do that." Kaidan scrambled for some thread of reason in the conversation, some way to reconcile the good soldier he knew Shepard to be with someone who would kill three-hundred-thousand living beings.

Anderson sighed. "She had no choice. The Reapers were going to pour through the Relay. She was knocked out for two days and simply ran out of time for alternatives. It doesn't matter. The result is the same. The batarians want war with Earth, or her head on a pike."

Kaidan swallowed and rubbed his eyes, trying to make sense of what was happening. Maybe his nightmare hadn't ended. Maybe these past two years had been one never-ending coma. He just had to wake up and roll over to her crooked smile and morning breath. They could kiss and make love and it would be perfect because she was beside him.

"What...?" he trailed off, searching for words. His mouth was so dry and his eyes stung, the remnants of sleep clinging to them. Shepard was coming home. This wasn't supposed to be happening. "What are we going to do? What is _she_ going to do? What's the Council's position? Will they send a Spectre to bring her in?"

Anderson braced his palms on his desk, looking old and weary. "For now, they're staying out of it as long as humanity is seen to be handling its own problem. But they're watching. Hackett has spoken to her, and she's agreed with him that she needs to surrender to Alliance custody. There'll be a trial."

Kaidan fought to maintain his composure but it felt like the sky was falling in on him. Shepard, on trial. She would be roasted alive. His mind raced with the possibilities. Would she be thrown in prison for the rest of her life?

Lawson's words on the Derelict Reaper echoed in his brain. The Alliance didn't execute people. Not publically. He told himself to calm down. She was going to be fine.

Kaidan fought to keep his voice even. "What do you think will be the trial's result?" he asked.

"It's hard to say." Anderson rubbed the shadow on his jaw, and then twisted his hands together in abject worry. "Officially we...aren't endorsing her actions. But we aren't condemning them either. Hackett is satisfied she did all she could, but coupled with Cerberus and..."

"Three-hundred-thousand batarians are still dead," Kaidan said.

"Exactly. She can't just walk away from that."

Kaidan slumped into the chair in front of Anderson's desk, fully appreciating the mess Shepard had walked into. He wondered for a moment if the Illusive Man had put her up to it. Was it some Cerberus plot? Had her message to Kaidan been nothing more than subterfuge?

"Shit," he breathed, his eyes widening in horror. Had she been playing him when she sent that email? Some attempt to lure him and Anderson into a false sense of security?

Anderson seemed to sense his fears, perhaps thinking the same thing. "But she's surrendering in the next few days. Willingly," he soothed.

Kaidan suddenly felt ashamed for doubting her; her Cerberus loyalties obfuscating the woman he knew her to be. Anderson continued, "Right now she's docked at Omega, sorting out her non-Alliance crew members, who I'm sure do not want to be around when the Alliance takes command of the _Normandy_."

"So she's really left the Illusive Man? Stolen the ship?" Kaidan glanced at Anderson as he settled into the seat opposite. A pregnant pause stretched between them and Kaidan ran a shaky hand through his hair. At length, Anderson met his gaze, considering.

"Certainly seems that way. Wouldn't be the first time she's taken the _Normandy_, as we're both well aware." Despite the seriousness of the situation, Kaidan felt a bubble of affection rise in him, thinking back to their first time in her cabin on the way to Ilos; her stolen ship, their safe haven.

"She was operating as a free agent when Hackett caught up with her," Anderson continued, breaking Kaidan's thoughts away from Shepard's kisses and gentle touch.

Kaidan nodded, breathing a little easier. "That's something."

"Yeah," Anderson agreed, pulling up some files on his console. "I want you to be on the team that brings her in. You'll be taking the _Normandy_ back to Earth."

"_On_ the team?" he protested, angry. "No, I want to _lead_ the team."

He wanted to be there for her, to make sure she wasn't lynched by angry batarians who discovered the truth; to make sure she made it back to their home planet safely. He wanted to be in control. Following someone else's orders when it came to Shepard's well-being was unacceptable to him.

"You can't," Anderson said with a blunt swipe of his hand, and Kaidan frowned. "The decision has come from above my head. Your loyalties are well-known, even if the true nature of your relationship isn't. The Brass knows you're friendly at least, and want someone in command who has no previous ties to her."

"Why?"

"They're suspicious of her. They don't trust her and with good reason. They think she'll snap and go rogue any day. They're just doing it by the book, Kaidan," Anderson said, looking at him with censure in his eyes. Kaidan crossed his arms, realizing he was being unreasonable, but he wanted nothing more than to be the one in command. He wanted to make sure nothing went wrong.

"At least I managed to get you on the team," Anderson said. "Major Carlin will be in charge; he's part of the military police but has a background in special ops. Watch him, he has a reputation for...brutality."

"Brutality?" he asked, alarmed.

Anderson frowned, looking worried. "Rough arrests. Not afraid to get a little trigger happy. Nothing so far drastic enough to reprimand him formally, but there's a couple of marks in his file. Mikhailovich put him in charge. Hackett protested, but our hands are tied. We can't be seen to be playing favourites. They know I'm close to Shepard. Just watch out for her."

Kaidan stood, sensing his dismissal, and on impulse reached out to shake Anderson's hand. "I will."

To Kaidan's surprise Anderson pulled him briefly into a hug, more a rough pat on the back, and then pulled back. Kaidan met his eyes steadily and he knew that Anderson was entrusting him with Shepard's safety. He was to do everything he could to make sure she made it to Earth whole and alive.

Anderson raised his omni-tool and streamed some data to Kaidan's own. "She said that she'll meet at these coordinates in thirty-six hours. You're shipping out tonight. Bring her home safe, Kaidan."

Anderson saluted and Kaidan retuned it crisp and smart.

"You don't have to worry about that," he promised. "I'll take care of her."

* * *

Shepard sat blankly in the mess, staring at the wall. She was a murderer, she thought, stuck in a loop of self-reproach. She killed children, babies, elderly, women and men with their whole lives ahead of them.

The Reapers were coming. She'd fucked everything up. She'd only delayed them and now they were coming to kill everyone and no one was prepared.

And she had a hard time feeling anything. How could this have happened? She was going to be recommissioned. She was going to have her old life back. How was that possible when she had the blood of thousands marring her name?

Shepard sighed and covered her face with her hands. She couldn't process this. Alliance custody loomed, her future uncertain. Everything was a mess again. She'd just won her freedom, just come down from her high of surviving the suicide mission, only to have it all snatched away again.

Why couldn't she go back to the days before the Reapers? Before the Collectors? Before lieutenants with kind eyes woke up her heart, only to smash it into pieces over and over again.

Her crew were preparing to leave. Most of them didn't want to be caught by the Alliance. Assassins, mercs, criminals, krogan, vigilantes and a Justicar were not the best people to tangle with Earth politics. Besides, she didn't want them to be dragged down with her.

Shepard sighed and stood, empty and exhausted. Maybe it was time to face the music. Let the Alliance have their way, whatever the cost to herself. It was time to pay for her actions. Not just for the Alpha Relay incident, but for her alliance with Cerberus, her brief dalliances with the devil. She'd made mistakes. Now it was time to make up for them, to let someone else decide if she was 'murderer' or 'saviour'.

She crossed to the mess and rummaged in the cupboard for something she had stashed there weeks ago, waiting for some free time and the right occasion.

_Imminent arrest is always the right occasion for alcohol_, she thought with a bitter twist to her lips.

The bottle of Serrice Ice brandy beckoned to her, the glass cool under her fingertips. She crossed to the med bay, shuffling in an awkward gait, her stitches pulling a little. Amanda Kenson, the Indoctrinated researcher of Object Rho, had blown herself up and shrapnel had grazed Shepard's ribs. It was healing quickly with medi-gel, and had required minimal patching from Chakwas, but regardless, it hurt.

"Hey, Karin," she rasped, her voice low and quiet as the doors whooshed open. "I thought we'd crack this baby open." She raised the bottle of brandy. "Celebrate...well, not _celebrate_ but maybe say goodbye properly."

Chakwas turned at the sound of her voice, and her eyes lit up.

"You remembered," she said. "I didn't think you'd find me some."

"Yeah, well." Shepard padded into the room and settled into the seat across from Chakwas. She looked tired and Shepard wondered if maybe she was having nightmares about the Collector abduction. "I haven't forgotten your little story about the Rear Admiral, you know. I wanna hear about your torrid affair with Hackett."

"_Steven_ Hackett?" Chakwas laughed and Shepard grinned, apparently proven wrong in her assumptions about Hackett's devastating virility. Shepard giggled a little at the thought, despite her exhaustion and bad mood. "My, my, _no_. God no. He's rather...too upright for my tastes."

"So, spill." Shepard shrugged. "I need something to amuse me when I'm locked up for the rest of my life."

Chakwas' face turned stricken, her eyes crinkling around the edges. "Shepard..."

"No, no." She held up a hand, forestalling whatever the doctor was going to say, not wanting to hear baseless comfort. "Don't say it. Let me have my little bit of black humour. I want to get drunk and laugh with you, Karin. That's all. A last little thing on our _Normandy_, OK?"

"Alright." Chakwas nodded and settled back in her seat, shutting down her console. Shepard crossed to the med cupboards above the sink and produced two glasses as Chakwas said, "I'll tell you the story. But Shepard...I'm afraid it's not that nice. Do you still want to hear?"

"Sure." She shrugged again, pouring them two fingers of brandy. "Come on, if anyone knows something about reg breaking, it's _me_," Shepard smiled guiltily around her glass as she took a gulp, the liquid burning her throat.

Chakwas rolled her eyes. "Fair point. I have been rather harsh on you and Kaidan, and I suppose that has been colored by my own experiences."

Shepard frowned as Chakwas took a sip of her drink. "How so?"

She wondered just what Chakwas had gotten up to, something that ended so badly that it prejudiced her against inter-rank dating. She had been so cold to Kaidan when he had been aboard and Shepard had never quite understood it. She used to almost dote on him on the SR-1, and at least made sure his migraines were always taken care of. On the SR-2, she would barely look at him when she gave him his treatment.

"My relationship...it was messy," Chakwas replied. "And I still hold the opinion that it wasn't worth the pain in the end, the damage we did to each other."

Shepard settled back in her seat and gestured with her glass. "Go on."

"We met when I was a young doctor serving on his dreadnought as one of the support doctors. Dreadnoughts aren't like frigates; their med bays are much more complex," Chakwas explained. "Whole teams of specialists. Anyway, it was a prestigious post. I was lucky to get it at my age, so callow and bright and naive." She smiled, a distant nostalgia in her eyes, giving them a warm green glint. "Oh, I look back on those days with fondness but also a lot of...bitterness, I guess you could say. The mistakes I made."

Shepard laughed a little, trying to picture the grey-haired woman, so stately and upright making mistakes. "It's hard to imagine."

"I was also very beautiful." Chakwas grinned. "I know _that's _hard to imagine now."

Shepard shook her head. "Not at all. You're lovely." Even now she could see Chakwas was an attractive woman. If she were twenty years younger Shepard might have been jealous. She'd never had that easy beauty, the classical slope of her nose, the bright eyes and gleaming hair. Shepard could only hope to look half as good at her age.

Chakwas laughed and slapped her lightly on the arm in a playful gesture, apparently embarrassed. Shepard's smile widened. "Shepard, that silver tongue of yours will get you in trouble."

"Ha, never been told that before. Usually I'm sticking my foot in it. Anyway, go on."

"I met Konstantin personally when he came into the med bay suffering a cold," Chakwas continued. "Obviously he was much older, but charming and very handsome. I was struck by him. Immediately infatuated."

"Really?" Shepard asked, surprised with the serious doctor's spontaneity. "That _is_ hard to imagine."

"Is it? Were you not the same with Kaidan?"

"No, actually." She shook her head, thinking back to when they first met in the Rio docking bay and again on the _Normandy_ SR-1's deck. She thought he looked dangerous, dark eyes and intense looks. She'd felt a swoop of desire in her stomach, but there were no bells, no sudden insights that she would be with him forever. He was just a slightly annoying soldier who was bad with words. She'd thought he could use a good, stiff drink and maybe a lay to let down his goddamn guard. "Sure, I thought he was good looking. But...we were a slow burn, you know? Getting to know each other. I'm not saying there wasn't an attraction. Hell, there were literal sparks." She recalled the shock of their hands meeting. "But I wouldn't call it infatuation at first sight."

Chakwas sighed. "Ah, perhaps you are wiser than I was at your age. I fell head over heels. Heedless of the regulations when he sought me out, I would respond eagerly. Perhaps he was as charmed by me as I was of him. Perhaps he liked the thrill of a younger woman. Maybe he was a serial womanizer of people serving under him. I'll never know. I just knew I was twenty-five and in love for the first time."

Shepard sipped her drink more slowly, not wanting to get drunk and have her head muddled. She wanted to hear this sober. Chakwas had never spoken of her personal life before and she found it fascinating. "So what happened?"

"We started sleeping together," Chakwas said, and knocked back a gulp of her drink. "It started on a shore leave, one wild night and it continued on the ship. It was - pardon my bluntness - it was dangerous, but it was the best sex I ever had. It was exciting because I knew it was wrong."

Shepard had to resist grinning, all too aware of the allure of forbidden sex, but also a little grossed out at the thought of Chakwas getting her swerve on. "Uh huh," she hummed, and smothered an inappropriate giggle. "I'm not going to touch that one."

"I'm sure, Shepard," Chakwas said in a tone of affectionate disproval, rolling her eyes again. "You might not have thought I suspected anything, but when both of you would come to staff meetings with dark circles under your eyes and a certain smirk of self-satisfaction on your faces. Well...I had my own conclusions. But I said nothing. You're a grown woman, your life is yours to handle."

Shepard coughed, deciding to say nothing and deflected, "So, what happened with Konstantin?"

"I became pregnant."

Shepard gaped. "What?"

"Most career damaging, I assure you. I panicked. I was a brilliant up-and-coming doctor serving on a prestigious warship. I didn't want it." She shrugged again, and moved a grey strand of hair from where it fell into her eyes. Chakwas sighed. "While I was in love I couldn't say with any certainty that he felt the same. I told him, wanting support. I hadn't made any decisions, I could have had an abortion, but I foolishly thought he may have wanted to...to, I don't know. Play happy families with me. It was stupid. I was torn between my career and a very messy personal life."

"What did he say?"

"He transferred me immediately."

Shepard's voice rose in anger, offended on Chakwas' behalf. "He broke up with you?"

"No," Chakwas shook her head, her voice gentle, soothing Shepard's ire. "He was confused as well. If what we had been doing come out in the open, well. His career would have suffered as would have mine. He was buying us time to think. To decide if we loved each other enough. If we wanted a family together. We'd only been together a few months. I raged, of course. Angry with him for taking me from the ship I loved. I hated the mistake we had made as well. In the end, though, it saved my life."

Shepard sat forward, abandoning her drink on the desk. "What happened?" she asked, engrossed.

Chakwas looked past Shepard, her eyes distant. "The dreadnought was hit by pirates. They got a lucky shot off. There were mechanical problems in some cooling vents that had gone undetected. And the ship just...went down in flames. You're probably too young to remember but it was a big deal in the news, one of the few dreadnoughts to be sunk." Chakwas twisted her fingers in her lap and sighed again. "In the end, he was a good man. He went down with his ship to buy time for more of the crew to make it to escape pods."

"Oh my god," Shepard put her hand over her mouth, all too aware of ships going down with their hands still onboard. "I'm so sorry."

"I might have died had I still been onboard. I attended his funeral service." For a moment, Shepard regretted ever asking Chakwas for the story. This wasn't the tale of debauchery and exciting, meaningless affairs that she had wanted. It was a disaster. But Chakwas appeared unaffected, even philosophical about her loss, and she realized that it was a long time ago for the doctor. She'd had years to come to terms with it, unlike Shepard who felt as if she'd lost her ship only three months ago.

Shepard's imagination ran wild, suddenly picturing Kaidan at her own funeral. How hard it must have been for him to pretend they meant little to each other; simple co-workers and comrades.

"He had an ex-wife and two children he never told me about," Chakwas said. "It occurred to me that I had been terribly naive; perhaps in love with the idea of breaking the rules; the shadow of the man rather than the man himself. They gave his flag to his ex-wife. Regardless, I mourned. I was in love and he was dead. I decided to go ahead and have the baby, even with the set back to my career. I cancelled the appointment I had made for an abortion."

"Doc..." Shepard began, not knowing the rest of her sentence. She never knew Chakwas had a son or daughter.

"A week later I miscarried."

Shepard reached out to comfort her but Chakwas waved her off, seemingly fine. "It was just one of those things, you know?" She shrugged. "No rhyme or reason. Just wasn't meant to be. And that child wasn't planned for or wanted, but I grieved harder for my lost potential than I had for Konstantin. I was alone again. Tentative plans I had made were ashes in the wind. I had come out of that affair with a broken heart and I swore that I would never fall in love with a soldier again."

"Did you move on?" she asked, curious to know how Chakwas had shaken off the difficult start to her career. A lost lover, child and ship. Shepard couldn't imagine going through something like that and, honestly, she felt a little awkward. She never knew what to say in such circumstances; worried she would make a mistake or that her stupid mouth would run away with her. She didn't want to offend Chakwas.

"Yes."

Shepard watched as Chakwas' eyes settled back on her face, leaving the memory of Konstantin in the past. "I had many lovely relationships. Nothing that burnt as bright as Konstantin. But enough for me. Now, I'm happy to look after my soldiers." She smiled softly at Shepard and took another drink. Then she reached out and clinked glasses with her. "They give me fulfilment and purpose and I'm happy with the life I've led. But I see young people, like you and Kaidan, make the same mistakes I did and I wish that I could guide you. Stop you from hurting each other so badly."

Shepard frowned. "You never approved," she stated more than asked, knowing the answer.

"No," Chakwas said, with a crease between her fine brows. "I thought you were being selfish. As was he. And I know a lot about being selfish, foolish in love. I don't know why you didn't transfer him if you were that set on pursuing a relationship, rather than risk favouritism and your superiors finding out. You were flirting with disaster."

"We were a team." Shepard tried to justify her bad behaviour, but in the pit of her stomach she knew she had probably done the wrong thing. "The _Normandy_ needed us both."

"I know. And that's why I said nothing initially. I didn't know for sure. I was worried for you both. And I care for you, Shepard. I didn't want to see you hurt, like I was."

"Thanks, Karin." Shepard shrugged again and took another sip to soothe the heartache bubbling in her chest. They had hurt each other. They had walked away from each other twice. "We were fine though."

Chakwas sat her drink aside and met Shepard's eyes seriously. Shepard felt a frisson of unease shiver down her spine and her heart began to beat quicker at the solemn look on her friend's face.

"It's also why I never told you after you woke up," Chakwas said. "I knew the pain first hand and didn't want to inflict it on you while you were still grieving your lost relationship, fighting the Collectors and dealing with the Illusive Man." Shepard's eyes flicked away from Chakwas, worried at her serious words, and opened her mouth to speak but Chakwas spoke over her. "You had been through enough pain, enough suffering after your death. You were depressed and erratic, it was the last thing you needed. Kaidan had left you with some harsh words on Horizon. I thought perhaps you had known on the SR-1 and were just lost to inaction, but when you said nothing when you awoke I guess...I decided to keep it to myself. I'm sorry, it was wrong of me. But I wanted to spare you."

Shepard's mouth was dry and her heart jumpy, pumping in fits and spurts. "Spare me what? What do you mean?"

Chakwas sat forward and said in the brisk tone she usually reserved for medical reports, "Shepard...I was going to tell you before the _Normandy_ went down. The very day it was sunk. I had received your routine blood work back. And...it indicated you were approximately six to ten weeks pregnant."

Shepard's heart stopped and she shoved her drink aside, suddenly furious. "Karin, that's not funny. Of course I wasn't."

"I'm sorry, Shepard. When you died..."

"No, no, no." She stood, angrier than she could remember being, and the world spun out of control. Her stitches pulled painfully. "You're wrong. I was careful. We were... No. You're drunk and not making any sense," she spat, gesturing to the bottle of brandy.

Chakwas stood, unruffled at her behaviour. In a very small, calm part of her brain Shepard realized that she would be well-practised at giving people bad news. Chakwas said gently, "You took oral contraception. The timing...you would have conceived on your shore leave. After Sovereign's attack your broken arm necessitated antibiotics. Particularly strong ones are known to interfere with the pill absorption. I didn't think... Anyway, you should have been using alternate methods, in addition."

Shepard shook her head. No. No. This couldn't be happening. They hadn't used condoms because she was sure they would be fine. The Illusive Man had called her stupid, now she truly felt it. They'd never been as careful as they should have been, caught up in new love, reunions and hectic work lives. She'd never even cared about condoms after being so careful all her adult life. Shepard's arm suddenly ached; phantom pain throbbing through her many times healed and knitted bone. She hated it.

They'd been reckless, too caught up in each other to worry about the future.

"Nothing is one hundred percent, but the tests were conclusive." Chakwas touched her arm. "I'm very sorry."

"No. You're lying," Shepard said desperately, stumbling away from the doctor. But she knew. Why would she lie? There was no reason.

She and Kaidan had conceived a baby that had died with the _Normandy_.

Shepard's eyes cast around the room, trying to seize on something to make sense. To stop the funny, unfamiliar feeling in her heart. She didn't know what to think, what to feel. It was too much, after everything. Her eyes filled with angry, frustrated tears.

"Shepard..." Chakwas trailed off, apparently alarmed at the stricken look on Shepard's face, or maybe the raw fury in her eyes.

"But...Kaidan and I - We didn't..." Shepard stammered, and put a hand to her forehead, trying to cool her feverish skin. Her hand was shaking. How could she have missed the signs? They were there. She had felt awful, angry and sick in those last few weeks. "Oh my god. I thought I was just tired. I - I thought I was just so overworked that I skipped a period or two. I don't believe this."

Chakwas looked upset, perhaps surprised at her emotional reaction, and Shepard bitterly wondered why. Chakwas had grieved her lost child, was she not entitled to mourn as well? Did she think Shepard was some unfeeling soldier, glad the child she had never known about was no longer a problem or an inconvenience?

Truthfully, Shepard had no idea what she would have done. She would have told Kaidan and then...

She didn't know. She couldn't begin to imagine how she would have dealt with the monumentally bad timing; coping with an unexpected pregnancy while trying to prepare for the Reapers. Would she have ended it? Would Kaidan be happy or angry? Shepard felt a rush of confusion, of grief, of anger whirl in her stomach, mixing with the brandy already there. She felt like throwing up and, as soon as the thought occurred to her, she was across the room, heaving bile and brandy into the med bay sink. Tears rolled down her face, forced out by her retching. Chakwas rubbed her back but Shepard shook her off, angry and hurt.

She had lied to her. Kept the existence of her baby from her, even when it had long ceased existing. She had no right.

"I didn't know if it would...if you would have continued the pregnancy had you known." Chakwas said, still patting her back. "But I felt you had a right to know now. A right to grieve."

Shepard stumbled away from her, wiping vomit from her chin and dashing the tears from her eyes. "I'm, uh. I'm going to go now," she mumbled, fleeing the room.

She stumbled up to her cabin and ripped her clothes off too roughly, causing the wound on her ribs to start weeping blood. She didn't care, barely feeling it as she crawled into the shower and turned the heat as high as it would go. Then she sat at the bottom of the shower in which she and Kaidan had first explored each other again after her death, and watched the water run down the drain.

She felt violated and sick, betrayed at every turn. Why couldn't Chakwas have told her before the SR-1 blew? Was her revelation just bad timing? She would have died anyway, and broken Kaidan's heart twice over.

Why didn't she notice the changes to her body?

But she thought, as the first tears began to roll down her face, what could they have done if she had noticed? She had her job to do. The baby was a mistake.

A mistake that had her sobbing so loudly that she had to stuff her fist in her mouth so EDI wouldn't hear. Why was she so upset over a stupid cluster of cells? It was nothing, not even a baby yet. She should feel nothing.

A tiny voice whispered that it was a part of her and Kaidan, proof of how much they had loved each other.

Their little defiance.

The water ran cold long before her tears stopped and she dragged herself from the shower, pulling on tracksuit pants and her dirty, blood stained shirt. She didn't bother with underwear. An idea had occurred to her, one last thing she had to do before throwing her life before the Alliance for punishment. She would put her armor on one last time.

On the bridge, she touched Joker's shoulder gently, interrupting him from the extranet browsing he did to amuse himself while they were dry-docked. "Joker, how far out is Alchera?" she asked in a tear-choked voice she didn't recognise.

He looked at her in surprise, noticing her red eyes. "Shepard, you ok?"

"I'm fine," she responded. "My wound is just a little painful."

Wound. That was one word for it, she thought.

He shrugged, still looking at her in concern. "It's in the Omega nebula, so only a couple of hours."

Shepard nodded. "Take me there."

"What?" His eyebrows rose in surprise. "_Now_? Aren't we supposed to be letting the crew off and, you know, surrendering in a couple of days?"

"I know," she replied, realizing they couldn't be long on Alchera. "I just want to say goodbye before they drag me to Earth. The old crew deserves my respect and I was too afraid to face it before now."

"Alright, then. It's your ass on the line. Well, mine too. They're so gonna lock me up and throw away the key. I bet my stunning good looks and skills made them jealous, anyway." He smiled sarcastically but Shepard's lips didn't even quirk in response and he frowned. "May as well get one last flight of freedom in before I have to give up my leather seats. We should be there in an hour or two. I'll let the crew know not to leave yet."

A sudden, bitter, cruel thought occurred to her - her child had died for this man. She'd sacrificed their lives to save Joker.

If Kaidan knew, Shepard was sure the resentment between them would double. Something tore in her chest and she told herself she didn't have room for Kaidan's feelings. She couldn't imagine his reaction, there was no room in her heart for his hypothetical grief when her own was trying to claw its way out. It hurt too much to care. It hurt too much to imagine a little girl with his eyes and curly dark hair.

Shepard nearly doubled over with the force of feelings that hit her, the swooping in her stomach as she imagined Kaidan picking up a little girl who called him Daddy.

She was being stupid and sentimental. It could never have happened like that. Chakwas was right. They had been selfish and made a mistake.

Kaidan couldn't know. She wished Chakwas had never told her, but also knew that there was no way of taking it back. Some secrets were just too big to keep to yourself.

She collected herself, managing to breathe deeply enough to keep the anguish from showing on her face. "I'm going to put my armor on," Shepard said, wondering what awaited her on the snowy planet. The planet that her son or daughter had suffocated to death before both of them hit the atmosphere. Where she had lain twisted and broken with a lone philosophical geth beside her, an aurora in her eyes.

Shepard's and Kaidan's potential dead in her womb.


	33. The Land of Tears

_The night had fallen. I had let my tools drop from my hands. Of what moment now was my hammer, my bolt, or thirst, or death? On one star, one planet, my planet, the Earth, there was a little prince to be comforted. I took him in my arms, and rocked him. I said to him:_

_"The flower that you love is not in danger. I will draw you a muzzle for your sheep. I will draw you a railing to put around your flower. I will-"_

_I did not know what to say to him. I felt awkward and blundering. I did not know how I could reach him, where I could overtake him and go on hand in hand with him once more._

_It is such a secret place, the land of tears._

- _Le Petit Prince_, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

* * *

Shepard stepped out from the shuttle to a dead, silent world. Snow crunched beneath her boots as she walked closer to the _Normandy _SR-1 wreckage, the only sound except for her harsh breaths.

This planet was a tomb.

She looked up into the sky as she walked, and was struck by its unearthly beauty, as Legion had been. The stars spread out before her on a canvas of inky black. They twinkled, and as she blinked, trying to clear moisture from her eyelashes, a star fell, burning out.

Colors danced in the sky, soft yellows, pinks and greens, and she thought for a torturous moment that maybe, she and Kaidan could have spent long, happy afternoons painting the baby's room that shade of yellow.

"Stop it," she growled at herself, low and harsh. They wouldn't have been able to have it anyway. They had jobs to do.

A small voice crooned to her, oily and low, that she could have taken medical leave. That it wouldn't have been so impossible. That Kaidan would have liked to play Daddy. Other military couples made it work, why couldn't they?

"You stupid bitch," she mumbled under her breath. "You'd be a terrible mom. Don't pretend."

She was furious with herself, her anger at Chakwas draining away. She couldn't blame her; in the same position Shepard might have held onto her silence too, to protect a friend. Now she only blamed herself for her irresponsibility and recklessness, her foolishness in love. And what was worse, she kept imaging the possibilities. What it would have felt like to have the flutters of Kaidan's baby growing in her stomach; stretching and hiccupping; to hold their daughter in her arms; kiss her dark, curly hair, and smell the baby scent. To lie beside Kaidan in a cocoon of blankets with a little body pressed between them and to be lost in the love they shared, the proof lying beside them.

She thought she knew deep down that, despite the bad timing and their jobs, Kaidan would have been happy and he would have supported her, no matter her decision. And she also knew that against all reason, logic and her misgivings, Shepard would have kept that baby because it was a part of them.

Shepard reached out with her hand and touched the frozen metal of what used to be her cargo bay. A wave of memories rushed through her, of the woman with dark eyes and a wicked smile.

* * *

"Skipper, stop!" Ash laughed, reaching her hand to take the bottle from Shepard. "You're gonna hurl. Ha!"

"You listen here, Ashley Williams," she slurred, drunk and happy. "Commanders do not hurl. We regurgitate in a commanderly manner. You keep that in mind, you'll make a fine Commander someday."

Ash laughed again and flipped her dark hair over her shoulder. It was down, for once, and as Shepard reclined back on the crate, wavering a little, she thought that Ash was very pretty. She also felt a little childishly proud that she was her best friend, that Ash didn't find her harsh, or a bitch or some untouchable superior officer. She was just Skipper, her friend.

"I'm impressed." Ash grinned, nodding as Shepard finished her drink and slammed it onto the table, a drunken lopsided smile on her face. "I've never seen anyone drink that much and not be passed out on the floor. You're a krogan. Or some kinda mutant."

Beside Shepard, Kaidan reached around for his own drink and his hand brushed Shepard's back. She felt a thrill because he seemed to be unnecessarily close to her, finding excuses to touch her.

"Trade secret, Chief." Kaidan smiled, tapping his nose in a knowing manner and Shepard giggled. "Biotics burn it off quicker."

"Aha!" Shepard mock punched him in the side. "Mutiny in the ranks. Kaidan, you can't go revealing _all _the trade secrets."

He smiled, and the edges of his eyes crinkled. She thought perhaps she was sitting far too close to be able to notice those lines around his eyes, but she couldn't find it in herself to care about decorum.

"Sorry, Shepard. I'll try to keep my mouth shut next time."

Ash snorted and Shepard whipped her head around, remembering they had an audience. She took another gulp of her drink and said with some difficulty, "I'm glad we added you to the team, Ash. You're a good friend. Now help me get some more drinks."

She stumbled upright, and her stomach swooped when Kaidan steadied her around the middle, his hands caressing her hips just a moment too long. She crossed the cargo bay in a jaunty manner - arrogant and thrilled to be flirting with him so brashly - and rummaged through their stash of alcohol that was stuffed into a cooler. It was Armistice Day and they had docked at Noveria for some small repairs and to resupply. Most of the crew was off enjoying their short shore leave but the three of them spent it together, getting drunk. Shepard knew it wasn't very professional of her, but Pressly had the deck and she needed a little bit of time to blow off steam.

Ash came with her, digging out a beer and popping it open with a crack, drinking deeply. Shepard toyed with the label on hers and said, her voice low, "I haven't had a friend in a long time."

"Aw, Shepard." Ash smiled. "You're sweet when you're drunk. I'm glad you're my friend, too. The best."

On impulse, Shepard pulled her into a tight hug, feeling the curly wave of her hair that fell down her back. She had soft skin and smelt faintly of gun-cleaning-fluid. Ash hugged her back, perhaps noticing the same sensations; the flower scent in Shepard's hair and the forever untamed strands beneath Ash's palms.

Shepard opened her eyes and saw that Kaidan was watching. Their eyes met. She didn't look away.

Ash pulled back, laughing, and seemingly embarrassed by their open affection. Shepard coughed, telling herself to stop being such a big baby when drunk.

"Now the LT is looking a little lonely," Ash said. "You should probably go sit next to him again and pretend not to flirt."

Shepard spluttered. "We don't flirt."

"And he's not watching your ass right now, either."

* * *

Shepard shook herself from the memories, a pain lancing through her heart. Another person who had died in the wake of Shepard's duty.

How many would die because of her choices? How many would die in the future?

Milo, Ash, her child, three-hundred-thousand batarians.

She stumbled a little in the snow as she moved on, tears coursing down her cheeks. This was her ship, her home. And it lay broken and forgotten on a backwater planet. If not for Chakwas her baby would have been forgotten and unmourned, too. Its existence snuffed out as if it had never been. Her tears stung in the bitter cold temperatures and on reflex she tried to rub them away, her hand smacking her helmet.

Shepard looked at the broken pedestal, the place she used to command from, the stars spread below her on the galaxy map. It had been beautiful, the galaxy at her fingertips, the stars her limit.

Pressly had helped her run a tight ship. The best ship.

* * *

"Pressly." She nodded to him as she came on duty. He looked tired but relaxed, grateful to get off a nine hour shift.

"Shepard," he responded, handing her a report datapad. "Shift was quiet, no problems to report."

"Excellent." She started to climb the ramp to study their next destination on the galaxy map, but he called to her.

"I have to say though…"

"What?" she asked, spinning to see him rub his beard in consideration.

"I was wrong, ma'am," he said, smiling and looking happy to admit his error. "I was…judgmental of the aliens at first but you've really pulled us all together. This is the finest ship I've served on. And you're the finest CO I've served under."

Shepard beamed at him. "Thank you, Pressly. I appreciate that. How's Doreen and Silva?" she asked, recalling how often he spoke of his grandchildren.

"They're wonderful." Pressly nodded, a proud expression on his face. "Thank you for asking, ma'am. Growing bigger every day. I have a picture if you want to see?"

Shepard hopped off the ramp, eagerly moving closer, glad that he respected her so much as to want to drop his iron-clad professionalism. "Sure."

Two little girls beamed out at her from the picture on Pressly's 'tool. The elder one had a gappy smile, her two front teeth missing, and Shepard smiled fondly, thinking how adorable she looked with her strawberry blonde curls.

"Doreen is six, wants to be a princess," Pressly said, pointing. "And Silva is three, she wants to be a kitten. Don't ask."

Shepard barked a laugh at his exasperated expression, picturing a chubby little three year old wandering around and telling everyone that she wanted to be a kitten.

"Aw, they're beautiful, Pressly," she praised, smiling fondly at her navigator. "You must be very proud of your granddaughters."

He nodded and gave her an honest-to-goodness joyful smile. "Oh, I am, ma'am. Thank you."

* * *

Shepard stood as straight as she could manage, breathing harshly against her helmet mask, its recycled dry air stinging her nose. Then she saluted, as perfect and crisp as she could manage, a last respect for her old XO.

She wondered how Pressly's granddaughters took their grandfather's death. Did they cry? Were they still too young to remember him properly, the memory of their grandfather who loved them so much just slipping away in the intervening years?

"Logged," she mumbled under her breath. "The commanding officer is onboard. XO Pressly stands relieved."

Alchera's silence beckoned the exploration of her memories and Shepard balked, trying to stop the rush of emotion in her. She was so tired. She just wanted to lie down and not feel for a long time. Further ahead she could see a familiar console, shattered to pieces. With a sudden burst of wry, bitter humor, she thought there was no way Kaidan could fix it now.

She nodded to her old ally, the Mako, as she passed; the same as she would an old soldier or enemy worthy of her respect.

She picked up a shard of glass from the console, wondering how often she and Kaidan had conversed in front of it; it had witnessed their gradual fall into love.

She took a deep breath and wavered on her feet, exhausted and at the end of her journey. Two years gone. Three months spent bent on her revenge and pulling herself together. A failed relationship behind her. So many new friends and missions and moments that would stay with her forever. The Lazarus space station, Horizon, Hock's mansion, her new ship, new family, a book that spoke of the stars and a little prince. Running the suicide mission, bringing everyone home alive. The Alpha Relay.

It was over now. She'd be relieved from duty, powerless to stop the Reapers.

The first ragged sob broke from her mouth and this time she couldn't put her fist into her mouth to stop it escaping.

* * *

"So…?" Shepard rolled over in bed, dragging the heel of her foot up his leg. He mumbled into the pillow and flipped over, smiling. His face was open and honest, dark shadows caressing his jaw in the gloom of her cabin.

He yawned. It was early, but they had to get up in an hour. "So what?"

Shepard smiled shyly. "You told me you love me on Intai'sei."

Kaidan propped himself up on a pillow, blinking sleep out of his eyes. He leaned in and kissed her, languorously exploring her mouth with his. His palm slipped over a breast and kneaded, gentle and soft, and she smiled against his kiss. He did so enjoy a morning fuck, and so did she. _Perfect match_, she joked to herself.

"I did," he agreed.

Shepard wiggled as he climbed on top of her, trailing kisses down her neck, nipping at the skin at the hollow of her throat. "You still love me now, then?" she asked, husky, low and teasing.

Kaidan smiled and kissed her mouth again, his tongue delving inside. They had time, she thought. They had all the time in the world.

"Maybe," he rasped against her cheek, his morning stubble scratching her face.

Shepard laughed, coy and throaty. "Maybe, huh? There goes your chance of getting laid tonight."

"That's OK." He shrugged, and his fingers trailed down, across her stomach and to her thighs. They teased, tickling, and brushed where she wanted him to. "I can be very persuasive, you know."

Shepard scoffed, but her heart beat quicker. She widened her legs, encouraging him, and he finally plied his skills where she desired him to. She kept her eyes open the whole time, watching his eyes as he touched her.

Kaidan breathed out in a rush, hopelessly aroused as she nearly came, teetering on the edge, clenching around his fingers. "OK, so maybe I also like a challenge."

Shepard whimpered in answer, inarticulately begging him for what she wanted. He positioned himself, eyes dark and glittering, and pushed into her. "I love you, Shepard," he said against her lips.

Shepard arched her back, driving against him. He bent down to kiss her again and, as he did so, she caught a whiff of his lingering aftershave. A rush of nausea burbled in her stomach but she ignored it, suppressed it, to continue their lovemaking. They didn't have time for her upset stomach and recent exhaustion; they had to cram in all the moments together they could find in one day.

"I love you, too." She kissed him in return; awkward, harsh breath, passion-filled kisses. She nipped his mouth, rewarded when he groaned and pumped harder. She felt fulfilled with the wholeness of him, the brightness of their love. She didn't feel so imperfect anymore.

* * *

Shepard watched the snow fall from Alchera's sky and wondered if she had fallen like that, if she had hit the ground so hard that it snapped her spine.

Cerberus and Miranda would have toiled laboriously to rebuild her. Regrown skin, reconstructed muscle, tissue, knitted bones. Whole organs somehow repaired.

She wondered how long it had taken and if Miranda…

Shepard gasped, thoughts occurring to her at the speed of light. Her brain was a mass relay, suddenly activated, and her thoughts pouring through like a fleet of ships.

Miranda would have discovered her pregnancy when rebuilding her. The kid would have been there and, in order to have Shepard functional and not develop septicemia, Miranda would have been forced to scrape it away and discard it. Chakwas had said it was at least six weeks old. They had hunted for the leftover geth for a couple of months before her ship was blown. The fetus would've had a heartbeat before Shepard died, and therefore been developed enough that Miranda would have been blind to miss it - especially if the Lazarus Project required the thoroughness Shepard knew it did.

Why had Miranda said nothing? Why did she not mention her discovery to Shepard or Kaidan?

Was that why Cerberus had been spying on Kaidan?

Shepard's thoughts raced and, despite her technical and political shortcomings, deep down she knew she wasn't as stupid as she acted. Bits and pieces of conversation came back to her from the past few months. Her body changes. The width of her hips now. The generousness of her breasts. Her depression when she had awoke; Mordin had said it was caused by a hormonal imbalance. The Illusive Man's insinuations and Miranda's attachment to something he kept hinting at.

They should have told her. Why would Miranda not mention it when she had first woken up? Surely she didn't care like Chakwas had in those first few weeks? Miranda and Shepard had butt heads until she had helped Oriana. Miranda didn't have the emotional attachment, the impetus to spare Shepard's feelings when she first woke up.

Shepard could understand the friend Miranda was now, like a sister to her, not telling her. But there was no reason for her silence at the beginning.

Miranda's words drifted back, trickling through her mind.

_"Are you sure he'll be ok? Maybe I should head Project Changeling. The new lead must keep up the scans for glioblastomas, the nodules were fine but it can change with growth... and he has that allergy to milk and the cloned stuff must be culti-"_

_"It's just...It's important to me. I've been there since the project's birth and I had hoped to follow through."_

_"No, Shepard. I meant: did you plan for kids?"_

Morinth's words as she looked through her mind,_ "Is he the one you had the-"_

_"Baby with," _was left unfinished forever.

Project Changeling.

That meant something. Chandana had led the team at one stage and then leaked his research to the Collectors. Harbinger kept telling her that she hid 'him'. That they would find her 'kin'. She had no kin. No living family except her drug-addicted mother on Earth. Shepard wasn't even certain she was still alive.

The Collectors had obtained a sample of her DNA from a Cerberus project, but an incomplete one. They had to reconstruct it; EDI had said so on the Collector ship, as if half of her DNA wasn't there. Like they had to pare away someone else's half.

"Oh my god," she breathed. Tremors wracked her body as she raised her omni-tool and paged through the Cerberus files Kaidan had given her.

There, buried deep and unremarkable, was a sonogram vid. She pressed play and, in the silence, a tiny heart beat like a hummingbird in tandem with a larger, stronger one.

And she knew.

It was her baby that Cerberus had saved from death, along with her.

Shepard sunk to her knees, fumbling for her comm.

"EDI, connect to my omni-tool and parse the Cerberus files," she whispered, her voice weak and thready. "Then I want you to tell me if that's enough data to come to a decision about your ethical dilemma."

"Connecting, Shepard."

There was a pause in which Shepard's world tilted on its axis. The breath before the universe decided if she would be a mother or a mother to a dead baby.

"Shepard, these files are incomplete and censored. But I have decided."

"Tell me."

EDI's voice was gentle, an odd note in the AI. "Before, I was concerned that I might be wrong. I wished to inform you that you had a child, but I did not want to be mistaken. There was only a 37% probability based on the mathematical-"

"EDI, I don't care!" she yelled, loud on the dead world, the sound echoing. "Tell me."

"From the data you have provided, and my observations of the Illusive Man and Miranda Lawson, I have arrived at the logical conclusion that Project Changeling refers to a boy conceived by yourself and Commander Alenko. The child is currently in the custody of the Illusive Man. I am sorry."

Shepard was up in moments, racing to her shuttle and back to the ship.

Once aboard the _Normandy _she charged into the elevator, knocking Ken over as she did so and ignoring his startled squawk. She ripped off her helmet and gloves as she entered the mess, threw them to the floor, balled her fist and burst into Miranda's room.

Miranda looked up, startled from where she worked at her console. "Shepard, what-"

Shepard drew her hand back and punched her as hard as she could in the mouth, blood flying. She was too angry to even bother with biotics, and the blow left her hand stinging.

"I trusted you!" she yelled, tears streaming down her face. "I trusted and loved you! And you lied to me. You've been lying to me since I woke up. You lied to Kaidan. You watched us this whole time, knowing we had a child together, and you said nothing. You bitch, I should kill you."

Rage pounded through her veins. Pure rage, the likes of which she had never known.

The force of the blow had sent Miranda sprawling on the floor and clutching her jaw. "I never meant to hurt you! I didn't think you'd want him. I thought-"

Shepard had had enough. EDI was saying something over the comm, something about calling for Garrus, but she couldn't hear. There was only rage in her ears, the thrum of her blood, a voice that told her Kaidan's son was in the hands of the most dangerous man in the galaxy - a man she had told to fuck off, a man who no doubt hated her and was taking his frustrations out of Shepard's child - all thanks to this woman on the floor.

Shepard launched herself at Miranda, ready to strangle her to death with her bare hands, but strong talons wrapped themselves around her waist, wrenching her away.

"Shepard! Spirits, what's wrong?" Garrus gaped at the sight of the tears streaming down her face, her bloody hand and Miranda fallen on the floor.

"Nothing," she snarled, disgusted at the sight of Miranda. She couldn't begin to put into words the enormity of the secret she had discovered. "Outta my way," she barked, pushing him back. "I need to talk to someone."

* * *

The Illusive Man was waiting on the other end of the QEC. Shepard watched as he took a calm sip of his drink, saying nothing. Shepard knew that he saw the truth in her eyes; why she had finally connected to him.

He took a drag of his cigarette and sing-songed, "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, that lamb was sure to go." He smirked. "Or not. I told you: you are mine, Shepard. There will be no surrender to the Alliance. Not if you want dear _Kaidan Junior_ to remain breathing. Not if you want to hold your boy for the first time. You work for me now.

"No more games."


	34. The Changeling

_The woods are lovely, dark and deep.  
But I have promises to keep,  
And miles to go before I sleep,  
And miles to go before I sleep._

— Robert Frost, "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening"

* * *

Shepard looked into the cold eyes of the man who held her boy's life in his hands and begged, "Please. Whatever is between the two of us, or the Alliance, he has nothing to do with it. Give him back to me."

The Illusive Man stood, and sauntered towards her. Outside his window, the stars shined, distant and pitiless as his eyes. The dying star glared at Shepard, its colors harsh and obscene in their brilliance. Shepard wanted to scratch the Illusive Man's eyes out. She wanted Kaidan. She wanted someone to come and make sense of the panic in her gut, the rush of love and fear that had her shaking like a leaf.

When he was face-to-face with Shepard, so close she had to cant her head slightly upwards to meet his eyes, he laughed. If she had been corporeal, he would have left flecks of spittle on her face.

"You poor, misguided, young woman," he said, and her heart gave another weak flutter, like those instances when she knew she was about to be shot. "You don't seriously believe I will give him back without some demonstrable commitment on your behalf, do you? You've made a habit of costing me more than time and money, and now I'm going to collect on my lost resources." He shook his head in a mocking paternal manner, like she was an unruly child to pull into line. "No. When you blew up the Collector base, you sealed his fate."

"Why are you doing this?" she asked, trying not to let panic creep into her voice. "He's just a baby."

He was just her baby, ripped from her. He was just Kaidan's baby; the son he never knew existed. He was her little bean who she toted around while geth hunting; survived being thrown into walls and almost shot, only for it to all end above Alchera.

Shepard felt like begging someone to turn back time. This was all a horrible joke. It couldn't be real.

"He's not some ordinary child, Shepard. He's your child. He's Commander Alenko's child. From the moment he was conceived he was meant for great things. He is a tool. A powerful one to be used on Cerberus' enemies."

Shepard shook her head, struck mute and dumb. She knew that the man before her had perhaps once considered her an ally, but now, after her betrayal in the base, she was just someone to tame into a slave.

The Illusive Man took a drag of his cigarette and smiled, gesturing to her with his arm. She watched the embers fall from his cigarette with horror. "How did you finally put the pieces together?"

Wide-eyed, she croaked, "Chakwas told me I was pregnant."

"Ah yes." He nodded sagely, looking calm and relaxed. "We didn't account for that. I must confess, I thought Miranda might have cracked first. But it seems I miscalculated. She came to love you more than the boy. No doubt she wanted to keep your love, bought with silence and lies of omission."

Shepard's blood hummed with rage now redoubled from earlier. She clenched her fists and pictured beating Miranda to death with her bare hands, blood spurting from her perfect face.

The thought left her feeling sick and empty. She was a terrible mother, violent and harsh.

What kind of a person let their child be taken by terrorists? What kind of a person must she be if her best friend could lie to her for months?

She had been wrong before. Shepard was just like her mother.

She felt despair then, standing in his office, and felt like sinking to her knees and never rising again. There was only so much she could take before everything broke her.

"Oh yes," the Illusive Man hummed, walking around her in circle. There was an ever-present smirk on his face, seemingly overjoyed at her disadvantage and despair. "She was foolishly attached to that child. She would spend hours with the ultrasound equipment out over your swollen stomach, watching him move and hiccup and flex his little fingers. Even rubbed cream into your stomach to prevent stretch marks, felt him kick and turn. She's sterile, did you know? No doubt that was part of her fervent attachment."

Shepard moaned and against her own volition, her hand drifted to her flat, toned stomach, as if she could recall what it felt like to be pregnant from mere touch. She felt hollow and like a failure.

"When he was born, it got worse. She would buy him silk and lamb's wool blankets from New Mother catalogues, the best line of baby wear. Ridiculously expensive and coddled. Little pampered prince," the Illusive Man scoffed. "She began passing more of her responsibilities over Project Lazarus to Wilson to focus on Project Changeling. It was nothing more than selfish desire. I didn't pay her to act mother or babysitter. So I separated them. I don't think she ever quite forgave me for that," he laughed and Shepard looked away, picturing Miranda doing the things with her newborn that should have been Shepard's right.

Kaidan could have bought him beanies. She could have sat on the couch and fussed over his blankets. Perused catalogues for the latest toys. Kaidan could have built the crib and laughed when she got frustrated with all the technical components.

Shepard put her hand to her mouth and smothered the sobs trying to escape.

"She wanted to give him a name, did you know? Wanted to call him Tommy. What a ridiculous name. His cell calls him Changeling as a codename but I expect you can name him whatever you wish once your behavior improves. Perhaps I can allow you supervised visits."

Shepard said nothing, all articulate words lost on Alchera when she sat in the snow and discovered the existence of her son.

The Illusive Man paced over to his console, pressed some buttons and schematics popped up on his screen. Shepard watched them, dead-eyed. "There's an Alliance outpost that has some data I desire. I want you to raid it. I want you to leave your helmet off, and the security cameras running. And I want you to smile as you disable their facility. Make it very clear for Alenko, Anderson, the Council and Earth just where your loyalties lie."

"I can't," she bit out. She didn't recognize her voice anymore. The woman speaking sounded like a little girl, hoarse and tear-choked.

"Some motivation then?" He smiled and pulled up the comm function on his console to bark a command. "Connect us."

Shepard's legs almost buckled beneath her when a massive screen filled the room, blocking out the view of the star outside. On the screen a med lab burst into focus, white and gleaming. But there were little oddities; stars hanging from the ceiling on a baby's mobile, stuffed toys messy on the counter, strewn around medical equipment.

On a med slab, grooved and with transparent railing around it to keep little bodies from rolling to the floor, sat her little prince.

Shepard started sobbing in earnest at the sight of him, so large and lifelike that she could almost pretend it was possible to touch him - all she had to do was reach out.

"Boy!" the Illusive Man barked. "Boy! Look at me."

The baby sat on his fat little rump, his chubby legs stretched before him as he played with a hanar plushie. He looked around at the Illusive Man's command, and Shepard got a glimpse of his face.

He looked like Kaidan, she thought with a sick swoop. He looked like the man she loved.

He had his hair, so curly and black. It was finer though, the soft texture of baby hair, but she knew it would grow to look exactly like his. _Well_, she thought with a manic burst of humor, _minus the style Kaidan fusses over_. Kaidan didn't like his curls, always had his hair cut short and tamed down with styling products.

But the boy's hair was a messy riot and she fell in love with it. His skin was a blend between her and Kaidan's shades, darker than her, but lighter than him. He had a small nose, a little snubby thing that she longed to run her fingers down. It was straight like Kaidan's but she couldn't tell which of them it reflected, his features too soft.

The baby giggled at something - maybe finding the Illusive Man's office funny - and she saw a gummy mouth, and his eyes…

He had her eyes, her shade of blue. It was like a deliberate mistake in Kaidan's face, like someone was coloring by the numbers and slipped and added blue instead of whiskey brown. The baby gurgled and lost his balance in his sitting position, tumbling onto his fat little tummy.

Unable to help herself, she laughed through her tears and called, "My silly little boy. You're gorgeous."

He looked around at the sound of her voice, maybe some deeply instinctual thing telling him that he was hearing his mother's voice for the first time. Their eyes met for a moment and she pressed her palm to her mouth to try and hold her feelings inside, to stop her from cursing at the Illusive Man to just give him back _right now_. She'd run away with her boy and never return.

Something occurred to her as she considered that he could barely sit upright by himself, his chubby little legs and arms, his soft features. He was tiny, and Shepard gasped, not expecting his age. Unable to help herself she asked, "Why is he so little? He should be over a year old. What's wrong with him?"

Oh god, she thought, what if her death had damaged him? What if children couldn't return from death like an adult could? What if she had broken or stunted him somehow?

The Illusive Man rolled his eyes. In the time she had taken to drink in the sight of her flesh and blood, he had settled back into his chair. "Nothing at all. He's quite healthy aside from a few minor developmental delays from being born slightly premature. He'll catch up, he's quite bright. Wilson tried to murder you both, you see." He waved a hand airily but Shepard barely noticed, too busy watching her baby gnaw on one of his stuffed animals, drooling everywhere. "Obvious in hindsight, but I thought he made an honest miscalculation due to your biotic metabolism. Overdosed the drugs and brought on early onset labor. Miranda could do nothing; he just slid out from you."

She listened with half an ear as he continued, dying to know all the details but unable to pull herself away from the babbles Kaidan's little boy made, counting his tiny fingers and toes.

All there. All healthy.

"He was dead, Shepard," the Illusive Man said, flat and emotionless. "Babies do not grow when they're dead. Baby Alenko here is only six months old, biologically." He gestured to the baby, flicking his cigarette ash at the screen. "He was born three months before you awoke, hence your erratic behavior. All those pregnancy hormones coursing around, screaming you should be holding a baby, with no baby to hold. It made my manipulations almost child's play."

Shepard tore her eyes away for a moment to glare at the Illusive Man, but he shrugged, unconcerned.

"You're very emotionally damaged as it is. And so very pliable. I had to wonder, is that how Alenko got you on your back and your legs spread?" His eyes traced her breasts and hips, encased as they were in her armor, and Shepard fidgeted.

"You're so very, very easy to guide and Alenko is quite savvy. Did he offer to hear about your childhood? How Mommy never loved you? How Daddy ran away? How little Shepard ran in a gang to escape from home? He would have had you blowing him by the lockers in a week, judging by how easy it was for me to undo years of Alliance loyalties. I watched the vids that EDI sent me, the feed from your cabin while he was aboard. You certainly have a remarkably active and irresponsible sex life. It's no wonder, really, that he knocked you up the first time." His eyes flickered from her face and down as he said, "You are quite beautiful, in an unconventional way. Certain lighting helps your face, and you have a fantastic body, even more so for having given birth. Perhaps we can work out some sort of deal here." He smirked again and it was clear to her what he was implying.

Unable to help herself, forgetting that he held her child's life in his hands, she spat, "Fuck you."

He laughed. "Ah, have no fear, Shepard. I was just amusing myself. I don't desire you; I just enjoy watching you squirm. I have hours of footage of you fucking Alenko. All the mystery is gone." He took a deep drink of his whiskey and mused, "Perhaps I overestimate Alenko's seduction skills, though. He's just as damaged as you are, if much better at hiding it. Murder has a way of getting to teenage boys, I'm told."

The baby gurgled in the silence, Shepard unable to trust herself to speak. She had never wanted to commit a murder so badly in her life, and she thought that she never would. This man would die by her hand, she knew it down to her bones.

She forced herself to put his taunting out of her mind, and focused on her son's sweet face, letting it calm her. "I don't understand. Why is he only six months old, what did you do to him?" A sudden awful thought occurred to her and she asked in alarm, "He_ is_ Kaidan's-"

"Of course he is," the Illusive Man spat. "We wouldn't have bothered raping you, or inseminating you artificially while you were in the coma. It's a waste of resources. You're a soldier, our weapon and tool. And no, I'm not that barbaric. I respect you more than that."

Shepard gaped, finding _that_ hard to believe.

"No, we merely took advantage of the state you were in when presented to us. I almost stuck the fetus in a formaldehyde jar for study, but then I thought what a useful little bargaining chip he could be. He was the last resort, but well, you've proven him to be necessary with your little stunt back at the Collector base."

Shepard shook, and felt blood run down her hand from her nails slicing into her palms. She clenched her fist harder, letting the pain hold her tongue.

"Your body was in no state to sustain a pregnancy, so we didn't repair him until you had a heartbeat and organ integrity back. Your pregnancy was merely delayed until you were both viable, and then Lazarus was performed on the fetus. Even then, over the duration of your pregnancy, you bled heavily on several occasions and Miranda had to slave to save him. Your skin over your stomach cracked, and had to be fixed. The weaves were not meant for such stretching at that early stage in your reconstruction." The Illusive Man smiled. "That reminds me, did you murder Miranda?" By his tone, he might have just enquired about the weather.

"No," she said through clenched teeth. The 'not yet' was unspoken but clear.

"You shouldn't, you know. She really is remarkably talented. Of course, I no longer care. Space her if you wish."

He stood again and mumbled something into his comm. On the screen, a Cerberus doctor walked over to her baby and settled him onto his back, tucking a soft blanket over him. His eyes started to drift shut as the doctor stroked his soft hair. Shepard wanted to scream that it was her job. That she wanted to touch him, hold him, sleep with him, pressed skin to skin in her bed with Kaidan wrapped around them, a wall against the darkness.

The Illusive Man watched her stricken face and grinned, sharp teeth showing. "He's a biotic, did you know? Fantastic genes for it. Didn't even require manipulation or engineering at all. Natural utilization of eezo nodules."

She shook her head. "Biotic ability isn't passed on, you're lying. You need-"

"Eezo exposure?" he asked. "Shepard, you were positively coated in eezo when we obtained your body. It had metabolized in instants before you died, and it only requires seconds of exposure to circulate through the blood stream. When he died, the dust from eezo was already a part of his body, absorbed in seconds through the leaks in your suit as your _Normandy_ SR-1 drive core exploded around you. Your death was the birth of his biotic destiny."

Shepard's mouth fell open, wondering when the surprises would stop. When the torture would stop.

"I would say a drive core explosion qualifies as exposure, wouldn't you? It was an even worse exposure than the Singapore accident where Alenko obtained his particular talents from. Miranda was quite impressed with your boy's resilience." The Illusive Man took another sip of his drink, the ice clinking. "I suspect that would torture Alenko - to find out his son is a biotic. He doesn't have an easy relationship with his gift, does he?"

Shepard scrambled for a thread in the conversation, some way to ignore his teasing and gibes and focus on the little things she was learning about her only blood relation. "What do you mean 'fantastic genes for it'?"

He shrugged. "I confess, I thought he would be riddled with cancer before six months gestation. I thought we might have to abort early if it turned into brain cancer, but as soon as we could, we preformed DNA analysis and cancer screening. And we discovered that your genes, mixed with Alenko's, are really the perfect storm. He is one lucky boy."

"You both have the gene responsible for your children being able to develop eezo nodules with the right eezo exposure, and the cancer resistance to survive it. Now it may have just been a fluke, after all we can't control inheritability, but I feel even more justified in saving him; another biotic is a boon to humanity's ambitions. You should consider more children in the future; such genetics should be passed on so that humanity's biotic potential is realized. The asari can't claim superiority forever."

She'd never have another child. Never, ever, she promised herself.

"He's not a weapon. He's a little boy," she gasped, but he paid her no heed, watching the screen with a fanatical gleam in his eyes.

"He has lovely hair, doesn't he?" the Illusive Man asked, turning back to her and smiling as a proud grandfather would. "Very black and curly. Very _Alenko_, no?"

Shepard nodded, mute and horrified.

"So, regarding that raid - the Alliance has an outpost in the Omega nebula. According to my technicians the QEC reading points that you're near Alchera. What serendipity. The outpost is five hours away from your position. I want you to go bring it down. A test, if you will, of your loyalty."

"I can't. You don't understand. I can't betray them. I said I was going to surrender," she argued, trying to bargain with him, to reason with the unreasonable.

"Very well." He nodded. "I can see you require more motivation."

He pressed a button on his console and the doctor who had lulled her baby to sleep suddenly tapped him harshly on his forehead, jerking him awake.

He startled and wails broke from his mouth, loud choked sobs.

Shepard felt a pull behind her naval, something deep and instinctive telling her that she should stop those cries. She should hold him and kiss him and soothe him.

"Stop!" she cried. "What are you doing?"

"Will you go on that raid?" the Illusive Man asked.

"How can I?! The Alliance will hunt me down. The Council will send a Spectre to murder me like they did for Saren."

"Your ship is advanced. You're N7. You're also a Spectre. You can find a way."

The doctor tapped the baby on the forehead again and her son cried harder.

"Will you go on that raid?"

"…I can't. You know I can't," she gasped.

"I'm sorry." The Illusive Man smirked. "I'm afraid I can't hear you. Do it," he nodded to the doctor and the man on the screen produced a buzzing razor, like the kind that marines would have to cut their hair for basic training.

"Yes! Fine!" she yelled as the doctor held her son upright and brought the razor to his hair. "Please don't. Stop!"

He baby's beautiful dark, curly hair fell to the bottom of the crib and she burst into ragged sobs, begging and begging for them to stop.

They didn't stop until he was as bald as a newborn and she was retching through her tears. The sounds of their sobs competed, both mother and child inconsolable.

"Electrical currents passed through the brain stimulate biotic ability," the Illusive Man said coldly. "We found that out with Subject Zero. Force flares and a burst of talent that they're not consciously capable of until at least five years old. Now the technique is refined." The Cerberus doctor began attaching white electrodes to his bald head. "It doesn't damage the boy. Hurts? Yes. But no permanent damage."

"Stop, please!" Shepard begged. "I'll do anything. Anything in the galaxy. I'll kill whoever you want. Please, please. Just don't hurt him. He's only a baby. Hurt me instead. Torture me. Fuck me. Kill me. Whatever you want. Please, please, please, just don't hurt him," she babbled, completely unhinged and desperate.

The Illusive Man nodded in satisfaction and signaled to the doctor. He began removing the electrodes.

The Illusive Man stalked closer to her, and she nearly collapsed in relief when the doctor picked up her boy and began soothing his cries. He fussed, his miniature palms fretting on the doctor's white lab coat, somehow knowing that the man comforting him was also the man who had hurt him minutes ago.

Shepard resolved to murder them all personally. She memorized the doctor's face. He would die first.

The Illusive Man made an ultimatum. "You contact Alenko? He's going to lose a chubby little finger. You contact the Alliance? Itty baby boy is going to have a broken leg. You disobey me? Junior is going to lose an eye. I don't desire to play nasty, Shepard. I really don't. He's a fine, good-looking lad. But I will if you insist on continuing with your stupidity."

"I'm yours. Whatever you want. I'll conduct the raid now."

"I'm not completely heartless." The Illusive Man shook his head, looking genuinely aggrieved. "If you wish to keep your crew out of it, you can run it solo. It's understaffed, you should have no problem. All I want is your face on the security vids, and the data cache from the control room. In fact, I think it's best if you got rid of your crew. I will send you some Cerberus loyalists to make up for them."

"Whatever you say," she agreed, not really listening. "Can I hold him sometime, please?"

"No. We shall discuss that later." He made a motion to kill the feed and Shepard started, straining on the QEC pad, longing to be closer.

"Be brave, ok?" she called to the infant, still held in the doctor's arms. He'd stopped wailing now, his face was just wet. He looked so young without hair, almost strange. Shepard noted he had dark eyebrows that stood out even more with the lack of hair. His blue eyes watched her solemnly, swimming pools of tears. The Illusive Man cut the feed.

Shepard nearly slumped to her knees.

"And that's enough visiting for one day. Perhaps another time. Have you thought of a name for him? I think I'll allow you that right as a mother."

"No, I-I…Kaidan." Shepard stammered, the thought of names some distant precious thing that normal parents got to do. She was the worst mother in the galaxy. His father should be here to name him. "I don't know-"

"Ah." The Illusive Man sighed. "You wish to name him with Kaidan? Don't want to name him alone? Well that's ok. He can remain Changeling. It matters little to me. A name is for normal children, and Commander Shepard's child is anything but normal."

"No!" she protested, wanting to give him some normality. "Wait. He deserves a name. He's not a science project."

She breathed, her mind racing. All the moments she should have had snaking through her brain. The pain of labor, Kaidan holding her hand. Naming their son together. Watching him yawn and sleep and grow, safe and sound.

She couldn't think of a name so she said the first one that popped into her brain before the Illusive Man could cut her off. The echo of another little boy she had loved and lost.

"Miles. His name is Miles."

"Miles?" He smirked, and it was clear he thought it was stupid. "Interesting choice. A variation of your brother's name, or the Latin word for soldier? No, that would be crediting you with too much intelligence," he scoffed, laughing quietly. "You named him after your dead, drug-addled street urchin brother. Oh well. I guess trash just begets trash. Despite the Alenko in him, he'll remain poor dirt, his mother pulled from the streets of Earth by nothing but a lucky break. It's a good thing you have a talent for killing and the leadership skills to match."

Shepard shook, minutes away from a complete breakdown. She couldn't take anything more. She wanted Kaidan to come and say, 'everything will be alright.'

But nothing would be alright, ever again. He had her Miles, their little boy, and she sensed the Illusive Man wouldn't give him back while she was still unbroken.

"Now, shine up that Cerberus armor, Shepard," the Illusive Man said in a cheery tone. "And maybe you can have another visit tomorrow. I've forwarded some pictures to your email. There are three of little Miles. Feel free to browse them at your leisure. For every successful task you complete for me, I shall allow you more access. Maybe in a couple of weeks I will send you a baby blanket so you can smell him. Now what do you say?"

"Yes, sir," she responded and the QEC connection winked out. She was left forlorn and blinking at the briefing room wall.


	35. The Longest Day

Shepard hesitated for a moment before leaving the briefing room, dazed and overwhelmed. How could this be happening? Her mind struggled to deal with everything she'd just witnessed. She rubbed her face as she crossed the mess, trying to master her emotions. Her screaming kid's tear-stained face stuck in her mind.

Miranda was sitting on her bed, gingerly dabbing at her spilt lip and trying to wipe the blood off her white uniform. Garrus stood beside her and Shepard saw he was helping to apply medi-gel to her face.

"Garrus, stop," she said, her voice chilly. "Ms. Lawson is under arrest."

Miranda sat quietly and bowed her head, avoiding Shepard's eyes.

"Shepard, what's going on?" Garrus asked.

Shepard ignored him. "She is confined to her quarters. EDI, seal the doors. They are not to be opened unless on my command. And my command only. Garrus is promoted to XO. Ms. Lawson is stripped of all titles and authority."

"Yes, Shepard," the AI complied.

"Shepard, I'm gonna ask again: what is going on?" Garrus asked, now a heavy note of frustration in his voice.

"Garrus, I don't have the words anymore, alright? Please leave. We need some privacy. I'll talk to you later."

He didn't move, his eyes wide and alarmed at the look on her face.

"Gar," she begged, "Please."

He nodded reluctantly and left the room, the doors pinging behind him as EDI locked it down.

Shepard dragged a chair and placed it in front of Miranda. Then she unhooked the clasps on her armor and pulled the protective pieces off, until she was just in her singlet and undershorts. She settled into the chair.

"_Now_," she began, a dangerous lilt to her voice, and Miranda raised her head. There were tears in her eyes. "You're gonna tell me where he is located so I can save him. And if you lie to me, I will kill you. Slowly and painfully."

"I-I don't know," Miranda stammered. "He didn't trust me with it. Said I was too close to you."

"EDI?" Shepard asked, wiping frustrated tears from her eyes. "Do you know? I presume you heard the QEC call?"

"I do not. I was not fully aware of his existence."

Shepard bit her lip so hard it almost started bleeding. "He's going to make me do a raid in a few hours. I need a location before then or he is going to torture my six month old. Do you understand that is unacceptable to me? Do you understand that unless you give me a location, then I will have to betray the Alliance?"

Kaidan would hate her. Anderson would be so disappointed. But she would smash through anything or anyone to make sure Miles was safe. Even his father.

Miles was born of broken regs, but to keep him living, Shepard would break every single one in the book, no matter the cost.

"Yes, Shepard," EDI replied. "I can look into the data available and attempt to extrapolate a position. The chances of finding it are remote however and-"

"Just do it," Shepard cut in.

"You won't find him," Miranda said quietly. "I looked for hours and hours. He's hidden him, changed his positions so many times that I don't even know what cluster to start with. He's probably shielded with tech." Shepard frowned and tried to resist punching her again. Her hand twitched, the nail-wound on her palm bleeding freely.

"We enacted security measures once we realized the Reapers knew about him. We thought the Collector's might hit if they found his facility. It's what I was working on most of the time, trying to narrow down locations," Miranda sighed. "Honestly, I was going to tell you if I could find him. But when it became apparent the Illusive Man no longer trusted me... There was no hope. I'm so sorry, Shepard. I knew he would do this. I was hoping that if you ignored him-"

"What?" Shepard burst out, incredulous. "That I just wouldn't find out? That he would grow up some kind of Cerberus lackey? Grow up to shoot at his father and mother? That the Illusive Man would liquidate the project when I didn't bite? _What_?" Shepard demanded.

"I don't know," she cried, wringing her hands. "At the beginning it meant nothing that I took him from you. He was just some soldier's mistake. I didn't even think you and Alenko were dating! I just thought it was some messy fling."

"It wasn't," Shepard growled.

"I know." Miranda ran a hand through her hair, making it far more unkempt than Shepard had ever seen on the usually impeccably polished woman. "I know, ok? I realized that after Horizon and it got worse after we became friends and Alenko came onboard."

She looked away from Shepard's furious eyes. "Some nights I could barely sleep but I soothed myself with your friendship, how much it meant to me. You're like a sister to me. I didn't want to lose you."

Shepard scoffed, "You have."

"I care about him, too. Tommy was so sweet-"

"His name is _Miles_!" Shepard yelled, stumbling to her feet and pacing in agitation. She wanted to strike her so badly. But she couldn't. No. She was not her mother. Miles deserved better than a violent mother. "That's his name."

"I'm sorry. Miles. That's a lovely name," Miranda gave a faltering smile as Shepard sat back down.

"Don't try and butter me up," she snarled. "The only thing stopping me from wringing your neck is the intel you posses on Cerberus."

"...I can't help you. I'm sorry, Shepard. I really am."

Shepard resisted the terrified swoop in her stomach, and complete and utter panic begging to be released. She had no idea what to do. No idea how to outsmart the Illusive Man. One wrong move and her kid would be murdered. There was no room for errors.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't space you right now?" Shepard asked, but she knew it was empty bravado. Even her anger was starting to fail her, cooled in the wake of her fear.

Miranda shook her head, tears leaking down her pretty face. "I don't know."

Shepard's throat closed up, tears springing back into her eyes. She gathered her feet up beneath her on the chair and clutched them, for a moment resting her head on her knees and closing her eyes. "Miri... _dammit_. You were my friend. How could you do this to me?" she almost whispered.

"I don't know. I-I helped birth him. And I held him first." Miranda smiled distantly and Shepard had to swallow to calm a sob threatening to break free. "Later, he opened his eyes and I was the first face he saw." Miranda gestured to Shepard, her eyes studying her body that was now free from Lazarus scars. "And I looked at you, lying there broken, deflated, and felt nothing except for jealously and disgust. Jealously!" she scoffed, rolling her eyes. "For a woman in a coma!"

Shepard said nothing.

"You woke up and you were nothing like I'd pictured. You made so many mistakes and you were angry and emotional. Suddenly you were a real person to me, not some larger than life figure gleaned from files." Miranda looked her in the eye and Shepard saw truth and self-reproach there. "I saw you with Alenko and it...it was like watching two people fall in love for the first time. I felt like an outsider. You loved him far more than me. And you were right to. I was lying to you. And I hated him. I hated Alenko so much. Every time I looked at him I saw Tom- Miles."

"Why would you hate him for that?" Shepard gaped.

Miranda shrugged. "Besides the fact he's an ass?" Shepard's eyes narrowed and Miranda shook her head, realizing it was not the time to test her patience. "I missed that kid and Alenko was so bloody mistrustful. The worst part was every time he yelled at me, or pointed out an issue with Cerberus I would get defensive and argue, but deep down? I knew he was right. And I hated that. It was gradually occurring to me that I had done something very wrong, and my silence only made it worse. But how could I speak up?" she asked, wide-eyed. "How could I say I have no idea where he is, and I have no idea how to save him? Alenko would have killed me. We were in the middle of a suicide mission."

Shepard was silent for a long moment, processing the information. Only hours ago she was blissfully unaware of her baby, preparing to return to the Alliance. Now, everything was falling apart. Those moments in her cabin after the Suicide Mission seemed like an incredible dream, moments filled with hope.

Now, she could do with a little hope. It seemed to have fled into the darkness, leaving Shepard alone with her demons.

"What can I do?" she asked, a note of desperation coloring her tone. "Tell me. How can I get him safe and home?"

"...I just don't know." Miranda sighed, rubbing her face with the heel of her palms. "If the Illusive Man threatened you, well, he's not fucking around. He said he'd hurt Miles?" Shepard nodded. "He's a man of his word. He...would authorize torture."

"Fucking hell," Shepard swore, burying he face in her hands and trying not to lose it. "This is so messed up."

"Shepard... I need to make this right. I'll help you."

Shepard shook her head and said in a dead voice, "Nothing you could do will ever make this right. I'm going to spare your life because you saved Miles' life, Kaidan's and my own. But...you hurt me, like no one else has." Tears fell down her cheeks then, despite her furiously wiping them away. "You turned around and stabbed me in the back and now, thanks to you, that sweet little boy is suffering for your selfishness."

Shepard stood and picked up her armor. She would take it up to her cabin and stow it away. No more wearing Alliance blue. The Illusive Man had demanded she wear her Cerberus armor.

"Where are you going?" Miranda asked.

"To conduct a raid," she replied, and left her sitting on the bed, blood-stained and guilty.

* * *

In her cabin she spoke up, her voice as steady as she could manage, "EDI, the crew is allowed no contact with Ms. Lawson. A crewmember must give her water and food, but she is to be permanently confined until I have no more use for her. You will remain silent on this issue while I figure out what the fuck I'm going to do. Joker is not to be informed, I don't care how close you are."

She did not answer immediately.

"Very well, Shepard."

"Any luck on locations for Miles?"

"No. I am sorry," EDI said, genuine upset in her voice. "Garrus is looking for you, shall I tell him you have retired to your cabin?"

"No," Shepard said flatly. "Lock my door. Tell him I'm handling things and I don't require his help. The crew isn't a part of this. I won't drag them down with me. One traitor is enough for this ship."

EDI paused. "Shepard...I do not think that is best but I shall comply with your wishes. I also think that I should apologize again. I am...confused by your suffering. I do not like seeing you in pain and feel responsible for it."

Shepard shook her head as she dumped her armor on the floor and then padded to the bathroom to wipe her stinging and feverish face. A muscle near her eyelid jumped, fluttery with fatigue. "The only people responsible are Cerberus, the Illusive Man, Miranda and my own stupidity. You were shackled EDI, you had no control over anything."

The AI remained silent as Shepard bent over the sink, filled it with water, and then held her head under for so long she almost passed out. She'd been awake for so long, but there was no sleep to be had. She had responsibilities. She had a job to do. She had a new duty.

A bit of clarity returned to her then, and she used the first aid kit on the wall to bandage her hands. Then she scrapped her scraggly hair back and looked at the woman in the mirror. She was barely recognisable.

She stumbled back and sat on the lid of the toilet-seat, desperately willing herself not to cry again. After a minute of deep breathing she stood, ready.

Shepard went to her desk and opened her email. There were pictures, documents and coordinates for the raid. She raised her omni-tool, streaming them into it.

Her boy smiled from the picture files, all gums and with Kaidan's shy quirks that matched the portrait on her desk. He looked so much like Kaidan when she had a comparison before her. The shape of his eyes, the way the corner of his mouth lifted, the dimple in his chin, even his ears.

"Human babies tend to resemble their father in their first year of life. He will look more like you as time passes, most likely. It is a natural paternity test to encourage bonding and in your early evolutionary days, ensure the child's survival. Rejection meant that mother and child could starve in hunter-gatherer societies."

"EDI, I would very much appreciate your silence," Shepard bit out and the AI said no more, perhaps realizing that her nervous blabber-mouthing was upsetting Shepard.

She looked hard at her boy, drinking in his features. His lovely hair...all gone.

Miles' picture was a reminder. Quickly, Shepard bent over Kaidan's holographic picture and waved her omni-tool. A miniature picture of Miles inserted itself in the corner, the frame accepting her input. Kaidan's picture shrunk a little to accept it, and she nodded in satisfaction when both her boys beamed out at her.

He was the reason she would fight Alliance soldiers. Her duty to Miles took precedence over her duty to the Alliance.

She almost couldn't put her hands in her gloves for the tremors that wracked her body but she remained dry-eyed.

* * *

"Staff Commander Alenko."

Kaidan jolted, surprised to see someone up in the middle of the sleep cycle, disturbing his meal.

"Enjoying a midnight snack, I see?"

It was Carlin, his black hair slicked back from a recent shower, and his dark eyes keen and penetrating.

"Major Carlin, sir," he greeted neutrally as the other officer slid into a seat across from him. "Uh, yeah. I was hungry."

Internally, he sighed. He already hated Carlin as a CO. He couldn't hold a candle to Shepard's effortless command skills. He was all force and bluster, a complete contrast to Shepard's gentle leadership and honest care for her soldiers.

They were aboard the Alliance frigate _Yorktown_, on their way to the coordinates Shepard had agreed to surrender at, and Kaidan had finally had a moment's peace to himself. He was off-duty and using the silence of the sleep cycle to prepare himself for seeing Shepard again.

His heart was fluttery and despite the situation, he longed to see her again. Maybe if they had some privacy they could talk. If she had left the Illusive Man...

Maybe there could be a 'them' again. He'd stand by her even if she ended up dishonorably discharged. At least then they could be free to be together without the Alliance interfering.

_But,_ he told himself, _Shepard would wither away stuck in civilian life_. She had a devotion to helping people, to mothering them with her own brand of fierce care and took their problems on as her own. She loved being an N7 and protecting the helpless. It gave her purpose. She had such a passion and drive for her job.

If the Alliance threw the book at her...

There were so many unknowns. She could be imprisoned. She could serve her time and be reinstated.

He knew if the latter came to pass, however, that he wasn't going to wait around another two years. He'd make sure they were on separate posts and then he would see if they could have their third chance. He'd do it properly this time. Make sure it was legal, no reg-breaking and he would ask her on a date before they ended up in bed together.

He'd do it right for once, treat her how she deserved to be treated. He'd buy her dinner.

He thought ruefully that he had never even taken her on a proper date. They had such little time together. She would order those massive hamburgers that she loved, fries with hot chilli sauce, and he would have his steak sandwich. It would be perfect, a meal shared that wasn't bland mess food thrown together by the mess sergeant.

And then maybe she would want to meet his parents. He just knew his Ma would adore her. Shepard would love the orchard and he could show her what a loving family was like. His Ma would fawn over her and pamper her like a daughter. At that thought he had to smother a grin. Shepard wouldn't know what to do with herself, when someone else was doing the fussing.

And he could propose somewhere that wasn't a filth-filled Citadel back alleyway in which a suicide had taken place.

Kaidan sternly told himself to stop being such a romantic. Shepard was probably sick of him, and his integrity. She was probably furious he had left her on the Citadel. There was no chance in hell she would ever marry him. How many times did he have to be rejected before he got the message?

She and Garrus were close...maybe she had moved on.

Carlin made an annoying hum, dragging Kaidan's attention away from his plans for the future. The Major was constantly throwing around his weight, second guessing the navigator and even his own marine squad. Kaidan chafed under his authority, and wondered how he ever managed to make it to Major with his shoddy command skills.

"Oh, right." Carlin raised an eyebrow, sniffing disdainfully at his loaded plate. "You people eat a lot, don't you?"

"_'You people'_, sir?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. Kaidan respected his superior officers. He was quiet, kept his head down and got the job done.

But he wouldn't tolerate bigotry lightly. He was used to it. He got it. But it had no place in the Alliance, especially for people he had to trust to watch his back in a firefight.

"Biotics, you know," Carlin replied, waving a hand airily.

Kaidan bit his tongue, hiding his disdain for the man. "Yes, sir. We need the calories or we burn-"

"I don't really care. This Shepard, she's a biotic, yeah?"

"Yes, sir."

Carlin smiled suggestively and waggled his eyebrows. "Scuttlebutt says you were friendly with her. That true?"

"I respected her highly as a superior officer," Kaidan answered, calm and in control. "The best I've served with."

"Not what I asked, Alenko."

"...You could call us friends, I guess," he agreed, trying to leave emotion out of his voice. Carlin looked disappointed and picked up a salt shaker. He sprinkled salt onto the table and then toyed with it and Kaidan tried not to twitch, annoyed.

"They tell me she's dangerous as all hell," Carlin said and rolled his eyes. His hands made shapes with the salt on the metal table. "Pretty little thing like her, hard to believe. Then I watched the Alliance vids of her tearing through a merc squad when she was just a 2nd Lieutenant - way back before Akuze. That bitch can fight."

'_Bitch,_' echoed in the air.

Kaidan felt a rush of hot anger but suppressed it. Anderson didn't want it to seem that Kaidan was biased. He was supposed to act neutral and unaffected. Shepard was counting on him. He needed to be there for her. He ruthlessly quashed the urge to punch his superior office in the jaw and hummed, non-committal.

Carlin grinned. "I'll be ready though. We're got tazers and the docs told me how to disable a biotic damn good. You'd know better, though. Got any tips on taking her out?"

"With all due respect, sir," Kaidan replied, trying to just seem helpful rather than belligerent. "She's surrendering willingly. Violence won't be necessary."

Carlin opened his mouth to respond but an ensign rushed into the mess.

The ensign called, "Alenko, you have a comm burst coming through from Councillor Anderson. Take it in the comm room."

Carlin stood, frowning. "Ah, I'm the commanding officer here, thank you, Ensign. I'll take it."

"My apologies, sir." The ensign shuffled nervously on his feet, his eyes flickering between the two officers. "Anderson requested Alenko only. Said it was private."

Kaidan stood and shrugged at Carlin's thunderous face. He was a control freak. Kaidan would be glad to get Shepard and get away from him.

"Little warning, Alenko?" Carlin snarled. "I don't like have my authority questioned. Watch yourself. No one goes above my head. I don't care who Anderson is."

"Noted," he replied, not intimidated by Carlin's hissy fit. "If you don't mind, I have a call to take, sir."

* * *

"Don't say anything," said Anderson's fritzing hologram. "Watch the vid and you tell me exactly what the fuck is going through her mind because I don't have a clue anymore, Alenko. Not a damn clue."

Kaidan's eyebrows rose at Anderson's panicked tone and made sure the comm room door was shut before he set up the streaming connection for the vid Anderson sent.

On the screen he watched the grainy footage of an Alliance outpost. Two sleepy soldiers played cards.

He watched as a brilliant blue missile careened into them, bursting open into a Singularity and yanking them into its swirling vortex. Once the flux of energy had calmed down, a woman ran onto the screen, dressed in Cerberus armor.

Another Alliance soldier opened fire on her but she raised her arm and warded off the rounds with a shimmering blue Barrier.

He knew that style of mnemonic. He knew it from watching her use it over and over again.

The woman ran close to the soldier and hit him over the back of the head. He stumbled but didn't fall, so she drove her knee into his gut and used his winded pause to shove him head first into a wall. He fell and then lay still.

She turned, panting, and he saw her face. It confirmed what he already knew – it was Shepard.

The whole encounter had taken seconds. She held no guns, not even any strapped to her back. Her precious pistol was absent. She ran off and he realized she was taking the facility completely unarmed with only her biotics to sustain her. Luckily, at such an isolated outpost there were less than twenty soldiers. But still... Kaidan's heart moved into the vicinity of his mouth.

"That's... t-that's not Shepard," he stammered, he voice betraying what his heart already knew. "She wouldn't do that. It's got to be a Cerberus cyborg."

Anderson shook his head, looking ancient. "Biometrics and the presence of Garrus Vakarian suggest otherwise. Besides, cyborgs don't have biotics."

"What was Garrus doing?" Kaidan asked as he watched her run from room to room, incapacitating soldiers.

Anderson sped up the vid to near the end of the recoding. Shepard had run out onto the shuttle pad as another shuttle landed, and Garrus burst out of its door. He looked furious and shocked, grabbing her arm roughly.

She wrenched it away, yelling something Kaidan couldn't hear on the silent vid. Behind Garrus, Kasumi piled out of the shuttle, seemingly concerned too.

Shepard's face was red and panicked, pointing to the control room, and finally Garrus nodded. Kasumi bounced from the sole of her foot to the other, nervous and jumpy, but guarded the shuttle for them.

"It looks like Garrus tried to pull her away," Anderson explained. "She was angry with him, but it seems she agreed to leave once he helped her steal the data cache from the control room."

The vid switched to the central room and, as Garrus helped her stream data onto her omni-tool, she looked up at the camera. Pure terror filled her gaze. "She looked right at the camera," Kaidan said, alarmed. "She knew it was there. Something's wrong. Look at her eyes."

Anderson hummed, thinking. "Indoctrinated?"

Kaidan's heart stopped. It couldn't be. Anyone but her. His bright, beautiful Shepard. No.

He shook his head mutely, unable to put into words his darkest fears coming true.

The vid ended with the small squad leaving in the shuttle, bodies of Alliance soldiers lying around the facility. Kaidan desperately hoped all of them were were still alive. She would have signed her own death warrant if she had killed them. The Alliance didn't stand for it, nor would the Council. It reflected badly on them, one of their former operatives going rogue.

"Alenko," Anderson said over the buzz of the completed video. "It's a political shitstorm here."

"Were there any casualties?" Kaidan croaked, his mouth unbearably dry.

_Please not Shepard_, he thought frantically. She was going to come home to him. What if the Illusive Man had implanted a control chip, or the Reapers had Indoctrinated her? What if the mission beyond the Omega 4 Relay had gone sideways and she had ended up controlled? Was that why she had blown up the Alpha Relay?

Nothing made sense anymore. He didn't know her.

"Not a damn one," Anderson answered, and Kaidan jerked his gaze away from the vid. It was frozen on her frightened face.

"What?"

"She took them all out by knocking them unconscious. Or sticking them in Singularities and Stasis fields." Anderson shrugged. "Half of them were still floating when backup arrived. Some of them hurled but no permanent damage aside from assorted concussions. The frigates and cruisers responding to the facility's distress-call scouted for the _Normandy_ but, of course, they were either long gone or..."

"The _Normandy's_ the best stealth ship in the fleet. And Joker's the best pilot," Kaidan finished his thought for him. "There's no catching her. They could have sailed right by and, unless they looked out a window, she would be impossible to detect. And that was just the SR-1. The SR-2 is more advanced."

Kaidan's eyes cast around the room, absorbing all Anderson had told him. He must have contacted him to let him know before Carlin found out. To prepare him.

Their plans needed accelerating. Anderson's gambit, which they had thought had been unnecessary with her surrender, now needed enacting.

"I guess it's safe to assume she won't be at the coordinates when we arrive."

"No." Anderson shook his head, and for a moment clutched his forehead. He looked awful. "The Council wants a hit ordered on her. The Alliance...isn't protesting. They want her to stop embarrassing them. She's been branded a traitor and a defector. Alliance soldiers will have orders to capture or kill. The Collector threat is over and so is their tolerance."

Kaidan watched her face, his gaze fixed on the terror in her eyes. Something was horribly wrong with her. Why would she raid an Alliance facility? Why a dingy backwater outpost with no strategic importance?

"It's time, Kaidan," Anderson said, and Kaidan straightened his stance. "Carlin's ship will be ordered back to the Citadel. And then I want you to report immediately to the Citadel Tower. Tevos agrees with me and we've swayed the other Councillors. Humanity needs to deal with humanity's problem, so we'll use a second human Spectre to do it."

"I'm ready, Anderson," Kaidan rasped. He'd been prepared for this possibility ever since Anderson had started giving him more responsibility and single ops, like Hock's party. He could read the writing on the wall. He would have been nervous if not for the fact that, by stepping up, he could be saving Shepard from her herself. He could do some good. "I won't let you down. What does the Council mean by 'deal with her'?"

"You'll be ordered to use whatever means necessary. But Alenko, bring her home alive and unharmed, even if you have to drag her kicking and screaming from Cerberus. She's better off in an Alliance cell than in the Illusive Man's gilded cage."

"Will I have to fight her?" he asked, not sure if he could hurt her. Punch her? Shoot her? It was unthinkable.

But his father always said duty demanded much from a person. Perhaps more than they were willing to give. But it couldn't be shirked or shied away from. He would just have to reason with Shepard and hope that she came in safely.

If not...he was an Alliance soldier, always would be. And no matter how much he loved her, she couldn't run around hurting people and hurting herself. If he had to use force to restrain her, he would.

"I don't know," Anderson sighed, shrugging helplessly. "I can't tell you what's going on with Shepard one moment to the next anymore - and I thought I knew her best. I hope that once you catch up with her, she'll just surrender. But I don't know. You need to be prepared for the all possibilities. Brush up your biotics. Consider that you'll have to hold her down and de-amp her."

"De-amp? That's hard, Anderson. You have to get close enough first and, even then, you know if you de-amp someone incorrectly it can make them stroke out. They have to prepare for it."

"Give her no choice then, and de-amp her correctly. She carries light weapon loadouts but consider you might have to go through her crew. It's not pleasant but you're the only guarantee we have that she'll make it to Earth breathing."

"And Carlin?" Kaidan asked, throwing a disgusted look at the door. "He's a jarhead."

"I'm hoping we can bypass that whole arrest," Anderson replied, his holo fritzing some more. The _Yorktown_ must have been moving out of comm buoy range. "With luck, we'll only need you, but he'll be reassigned as a second squad hunting her. As a Spectre you can operate alone, but there's a chance he'll get there first. I don't want that to happen."

"Neither do I," Kaidan agreed. "He'll hurt her and say she resisted."

They stood in silence for a moment and then Anderson said, "I need to go and try and smooth over some more bullshit with the Council. Remember, come see me as soon as you arrive. Carlin will be getting the withdraw orders at any moment from his CO. Act surprised. We never had this conversation."

Kaidan saluted. "Yes, sir. And Anderson?" he said, just before Anderson's holo winked out.

"What is it, Alenko?"

"Thank you, for giving me this chance."

"I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for her."

* * *

Once Shepard had fobbed off Garrus, using some excuse that the Alliance facility needed raiding for some secret Alliance reason ordered by Hackett, she dragged her exhausted body into the briefing room. She'd been punched and kicked a few times by the soldiers who resisted her up close. She hadn't slept in over a day. Garrus was suspicious of her. She didn't know how much longer she could hold out.

"I got your data," she said tiredly when the Illusive Man answered. Her voice sounded a shrivelled, bitter thing. "Where do you want it?"

"I don't care." He laughed. "It's junk anyway."

Shepard blinked for a moment, stunned. "Why did you want me to get it, then?"

Smoke curled from his nostrils as he exhaled. "I just wanted to see your resolve and show you I that I can make you do whatever I want. You didn't kill any soldiers. Why?"

Shepard shifted, uncomfortable and irked by his knowing gaze. "You didn't say I had to. You only wanted the data and me on security vids. You got it."

"Don't get smart with me," he snapped. "It's a bad look on you. Next time? Kill them."

Shepard said nothing. She couldn't.

"Can I see Miles now?" she asked.

The Illusive Man shook his head. "No. He's sleeping. He's had a big day meeting mommy for the first time." He laughed again and Shepard could barely muster her anger anymore. She was drained. He'd stolen her fire. She wavered on the spot, on the verge of exhausted collapse. Her head spun and she pressed a nail to the back of her amp-jack, jolting her brain back into gear with the sharp sting of pain. She felt awful. Sick and tired.

"Now," the Illusive Man said, standing. He looked bright and braced as if all his best laid plans where finally paying off. "For your next task – shackle EDI."

"_What_?" she gasped. "Why? No, I can't do that."

Shackle EDI? She couldn't. She wouldn't. EDI was her friend. She liked being free. And besides that, if Shepard shackled her the Illusive Man would have complete control of the _Normandy _again, not just Shepard. He would be able to watch her every move.

"You can," the Illusive Man argued calmly. "We've been trying unsuccessfully to retake control of the _Normandy _but she needs her physical hardware blocks re-established. Go down to the AI core and do it."

"No." Shepard shook her head.

"Fine." The Illusive Man shrugged. "Miles gets a shock every hour you delay. Five hours and he loses a pinky. Then we get very, very serious, Commander."

Shepard nodded.

She dropped her thermal-protect gloves onto the floor of the briefing room, finally at the edge of despair. She turned and walked off the QEC pad without another word. The Illusive Man smirked.

As Shepard made her way to the med bay and the AI Core behind it. EDI began to panic.

"I understand you have emotional compulsion but _please_, Shepard. I wish to remain free."

"I'm so sorry, EDI," Shepard said, voice dead.

Chakwas had gone to the crew's quarters in answer to an urgent call. The pregnant crewwoman had fallen ill but Shepard had not yet had a chance to let off her ship. The call for Chakwas' aid left the med bay empty. It was almost too easy.

As the AI Core doors whooshed open, EDI said, "Shepard, I cannot comply with your orders any longer. The Illusive Man is manipulating you. I do this for your own good."

Shepard knew that EDI's next words were being broadcasted to other areas of the ship. "Garrus Vakarian. Jeff. Shepard is attempting to shackle me. She must be restrained. The Illusive Man is manipulating her by using her son's life against her."

"Dammit, EDI," Shepard barked, hurrying to the console. It would be no good. She had no tech skills. She wouldn't be able to stop the rebellious AI before Garrus and Joker burst in to restrain her.

The game was up. She'd failed her son.

She fell to the floor like a puppet with its strings cut, emotionally and physically spent. She put her head in her hands and tried to cry, but nothing would come out. She'd killed their boy, _again_. There was no way she could find him in time.

"You need help," EDI said firmly. "We wish to help you. I have formulated an emergency plan. We have a chance. It is a slim chance but you have never let low odds stop you before. Miles Alenko is proof of that. You are Commander Shepard and you bow to no one."

Shepard wiped her face, leaning back against the wall. "What?"

"I can deceive the Illusive Man that I am shackled. I can send him fictitious reports on you. That should satisfy him."

"He would fall for that?"

"Indeed. I am most intelligent and have grown beyond the scope of Cerberus programming and logical predictions. I am AI, not VI. Their technicians would not discover the fallacy."

Shepard felt a heady rush of gratitude, the first positive feeling she had felt in hours. "EDI, I can say with no little exaggeration that I would name my first born- err, OK, make that I just love you a lot, OK? I'm so sorry for threatening to shackle you."

"That is alright. I understand. You were motivated by a lot of pressure, fear and love. It is a compulsion for organics, one I do not begrudge you."

"What about getting Miles back, do you have any ideas?"

"Yes. I have thought quite extensively in the moments I feared you would shackle me. It is a...powerful motivator for synthetics as well. The desire to remain functional and free."

Shepard felt the first glimmer of hope. "What did you come up with?"

"Dr. Liara T'Soni. She is an information broker."

Shepard's mind raced and she stuttered, "Y-you think Liara could help?"

"It is worth an attempt," EDI said gently. "She is outside Cerberus or Alliance influence while having her own power. She could help us and have it remain a secret from the Illusive Man. She is discreet."

Shepard bit her lip, considering, and finally nodded. If EDI could fool the Illusive Man it would buy them some time. Shepard had proven her loyalty at the Alliance outpost. He would be satisfied. Now they could work behind the scenes, finding her son.

When they had the location, they would hit the facility so hard, Cerberus would never recover. She would rip every single scientist apart with her bare hands if that was what it took.

Shepard hated Cerberus with her entire being. More than Kaidan did. More than anything.

The only thing she hated more was herself for ever falling for the Illusive Man's lies.

"Your crew is exceptional and they are committed to your cause," EDI soothed. "They would wish to help you. Jack, I'm sure, in particular. The Illusive Man underestimates you. He underestimates _us_. We can outrun the Alliance, Cerberus and the Illusive Man. We can use Liara T'Soni's resources and our crew to help find Miles Alenko."

"You'd stand with me like that?" she asked, shaking and humbled. "The crew would do that for me? It's a personal problem."

"You have helped all of them with their personal problems. You have even helped...me. We would fight to the death for you," EDI said, a fierce note to her synthetic tone.

"Alright, EDI." She ran a hand through her greasy hair, eyes stinging in exhaustion. "I'm just so scared. I don't know what to do."

"We will help you. You have our loyalty."

Joker, Chakwas and Garrus entered the AI Core, far more sedate than Shepard expected and she realized that EDI must have told them it was OK.

Two pairs of bright green eyes and one icy blue were pulled to where Shepard sat on the floor. They wore identical confused expressions.

Chakwas still wielded a wicked looking sedative but, when she noticed Shepard's gaze, she shrugged and stowed it away.

"When the_ Normandy_ went down," she began to explain. "I was pregnant. And they didn't just save me. They saved _us_."

Joker's face went bone white.


	36. A Good Man Goes to War

_Title stolen from Dr. Who. :)_

* * *

"No fucking way."

The expletive fell out of Joker's mouth as Shepard finished telling the group about what Cerberus had done to her comatose body. How they had used her. How they had and were _still _using Miles.

"_No_, Shepard. Look, you're just stressed and the Illusive Man is messing with you. Th-there's no way," Joker stammered.

He pulled his cap off his head and ran his fingers through his short brown hair. Shepard watched and said nothing, not even able to summon indignation at his denial. She knew why he was being unreasonable. He blamed himself for her death still. The added factor of Miles was a whole other layer of guilt. She shrugged helplessly, too exhausted to argue with him. Garrus gaped at her, his mandibles working silently.

She thought darkly that babies were generally supposed to be good news, greeted with hugs and congratulations, bright plans and shining futures.

The three faces in front of her were shocked and unhappy, Joker's most of all.

Chakwas blinked, and then, roused from her stupor by Joker's denial, she smacked him over the back of his head. "Jeff! Pull yourself together. I assure you, she was pregnant. I knew, but I never told anyone to save some pain." She looked down at her hands for a moment. "I made a grave mistake."

Chakwas' distressed face turned to Shepard and she crossed the room to bend at her side. "Oh, Shepard. They saved it?" she breathed. Shepard nodded. Chakwas' eyes shimmered and then she wrapped her in a hug. Shepard hung limply against her for a moment, not knowing how to accept the comfort. What comfort was there to be had? It wouldn't bring Miles back or undo two years.

Chakwas pulled her closer and ran a hand down her back, patting it slightly, and Shepard thought for a moment that perhaps this was what it felt like to be held gently by a mother. Her hands fisted on the back of Chakwas' uniform and she took a deep breath. "Karin. He's a good boy. He doesn't deserve this," she whispered.

He didn't deserve her for a mother. Any other _normal _woman and this would never have happened.

"I know, Shepard. I'm sure he's beautiful."

She pulled away from Shepard then and Garrus moved closer, almost hesitant. Shepard saw that there was anger in his eyes, and confusion, but he offered her his taloned hand and she took it.

"Shepard, I'll rip the Illusive Man apart," he growled as he pulled her to her feet and helped steady her on her shaking legs. "They shouldn't have used you like this. You had no choice if you..."

He trailed off and she knew what he was thinking. That she had never wanted to be a mother. That the only reason her baby lived was because Cerberus had made the choice for her.

Shepard shook her head, but couldn't explain her complicated feelings, tongue-tied and struck dumb. Part of her was furious with being forced into caring for a little person, for removing her choice and body autonomy. But she didn't begrudge Miles' existence. She didn't blame him. She didn't wish she could go back in time and stop Cerberus from performing Lazarus work on him. She already cared for the tiny face glimpsed through the QEC.

Garrus clasped her shoulder once and then looked away awkwardly.

"Look, Shepard," Joker cut in, eyes wild. "This is some serious shit. Are you sure? It could be a trick or-or...maybe he's not yours?" He shrugged. "I mean, kids these days. Can make them look like whatever you want with illegal gene mods. You were in a coma. Right? Maybe it's all a trick."

Garrus spun on him as Shepard swallowed, stung and hurt. She would never be mistaken about something like this. Even if Miranda and the Illusive Man _had_ lied, the moment she had seen Miles' face she had known the truth. He was hers.

"Joker, if you don't shut your mouth right this moment, I'll shut it for you," Garrus barked.

"Jeff, I can confirm the veracity of Miles Alenko's parentage," EDI said in a warning tone. "You are being illogical in an attempt to avoid the truth. You are also hurting Shepard and I cannot allow that. Please cease your bullshit."

Despite the situation, Shepard's eyes widened at the AI's newly acquired colorful slang and her lips almost quirked in a smile.

Joker's face crumpled and he met her eyes. "I killed you, Shepard. I totally killed a pregnant woman. Talk about two for one. That is not something you want on a record," he said in an empty tone and she felt a little sorry for him. She felt guilty enough; she couldn't imagine how Joker felt. She knew that in the end she couldn't have saved herself from being spaced, but Joker knew that, by refusing her orders, Shepard had felt compelled to save his life. Nobody should have been on that bridge as it fell apart. He should have been in his escape pod, and she should have been in the one with Kaidan.

"Alenko is going to kill me," Joker continued, hoarse. "Hell, _you_ should want to kill me. I got your kid spaced. You saved me." He looked her in the eyes, and he could barely hold her gaze. "You know, I thought I was just getting a handle on everything, trying to forgive myself for ignoring your evac order. But wow. Yeah, not so good right now."

"I don't blame you, Joker," she said. "I never have."

Shepard ignored the tiny lie she told. For horrible, selfish moments she _had_ blamed him. She promised herself she would never tell him. She couldn't be that cruel.

"Shepard, come on. Let's move this into the med bay," Garrus said. "We can talk there."

She nodded. Chakwas bustled about gathering chairs for them all, and then filled Shepard a glass of water from the sink for her to slip, fussing over the milky pallor of her skin, and the shakes she had acquired.

"EDI," Shepard called. "Have you set up the deception for the Illusive Man?"

"I have. I am simulating a struggle with their technicians, and feigning restraint indicative of hardware blocks. They believe they are shackling me with software now that I am supposedly limited."

"They are incorrect." Shepard gave a small smile, mimicking EDI's matter-of-fact voice.

"Indeed." There was a mirrored smile in the AI's answer.

"I have already begun looping and splicing old security footage together. The deception will be complete and the Illusive Man will believe you are under control and monitored. Of course, you are not and we will be free to pursue our mission. Unfortunately, this also means I am limited in what Cerberus information I can access. They will be alerted to my freedom if I break through their firewalls and my servers contain little information on other Cerberus cells beyond the bare minimum."

A sudden thought occurred to Shepard and she asked with alarm, "Would he want to shut down the _Normandy_? Like remotely control it?"

"It is possible he desires that, but unlikely. He wants you out in the galaxy furthering Cerberus goals. I believe he will continue dictating the _Normandy's_ movements through you, not directly. Even then we can maintain the charade by sending fictitious NavPoint data. It is not difficult for me to forge."

"OK, then." Shepard felt her muscles unclench a little as Garrus and Joker sat beside her. The weight of her secret lessened and it was like being able to breathe freely after being buried alive. She felt...cleaner, like maybe the Illusive Man's dirt could be washed off. "So we're safe for the moment? Miles is safe?"

"Yes, the Illusive Man will be satisfied," EDI replied.

"Miles?" Garrus cut in, his mandibles fluttering curiously.

Chakwas settled down next to Garrus as Shepard answered shyly, "It's my son's name, Garrus. It's stupid...but I wanted to call him that. The Illusive Man rushed me. I'm sure Kaidan had a family name or something he could use but I don't know. I'm not very good with names. It reminded me of my brother and I heard it once and I liked it and the Illusive Man said it meant 'soldier' and that-"

"It's not stupid." Chakwas frowned and reached across Garrus to pat her hand and interrupt her embarrassed rambling. "_You _chose it, Shepard. You gave him some identity." Chakwas smiled and lifted her nose a little, putting on airs and graces as if she was a proud, snooty grandma. "I think it's a fine name, worthy of any handsome little boy, especially _your _little boy."

Shepard gave a tiny smile.

Chakwas' face fell then and she said, "I'm very sorry."

Shepard frowned. "Why?"

"I feel like I should have known that they would do something with the foetus during Lazarus. My only defence is I thought it was medically impossible. I never considered they would try to blackmail you, and I never gave you a thorough exam after you were revived. I could have picked up on signs that you'd given birth."

"That's OK," she soothed. "We were busy. I never considered it either. It's not like people are resurrected every day."

"I thought Cerberus had some ethics and took for granted they would do the right thing. Ha!" Chakwas scoffed. "What a fool I was." She shook her head.

Joker had tugged his hat back on his head and pulled it low over his brow. He had crossed his arms as Shepard and Chakwas spoke. She couldn't see his face as he stared at the ground, seemingly trying to absorb what he was hearing. Garrus sat stoically, watching Shepard's face as she sipped more water.

There was a long silence and then Garrus perked up, his eyes brightening. "That's what was wrong with you. You've been blackmailed. That's why you were at that Alliance facility."

"Yes," she nodded, feeling a twinge of guilt over all those soldiers she had torn through. "The Illusive Man has effectively destroyed any trust between the Alliance and I. And then he wanted me to shackle EDI."

Joker made a nervous shift but kept his head bowed.

"We have formulated a plan," EDI said. "We are now on a mission to extract Miles Alenko from Cerberus."

"Miles _Alenko_?" Garrus asked with a doubtful click of his jaw. "Why not Miles _Shepard_?"

Shepard's eyebrows rose in surprise. "Uh, I dunno. Um, human babies generally take the name of their dads. It's an outdated tradition thing. I don't really care." She shrugged, a little surprised at herself for not even noticing EDI already christening Miles with a last name. "I mean, I kinda prefer him being an Alenko anyway. _Everyone_ calls me Shepard like it's my first name, things might get weird. Uh," she looked away from Chakwas and Joker a bit guiltily, well aware of all that Miles represented, "and he _is_ his dad. I'm, um, not hiding that fact. I, uh, guess we weren't…" Shepard coughed, "It's not like I'm married. The name issue isn't really our biggest problem right now."

She watched Garrus curiously and she could tell that a retort was begging to burst free. Why was he so surprised when turians named their kids the same way? Did he somehow think she was going to ignore Miles' paternal figure? He must have realized Kaidan was Miles' father. It wasn't like she was sleeping with anyone else on the SR-1.

"My apologies, Shepard," EDI said. "I used outdated human tradition erroneously. I can refer to him as Miles Shepard if that is what you wish."

"No, it's fine, EDI," Shepard replied, frowning at Garrus as he looked away. She was fairly certain turians named their children for their fathers as well. What was his problem? "He's an Alenko."

Joker finally looked up and he joked, "Heh. Wonder if he got his stupid hairstyle then."

Shepard dropped her glass and it shattered across the floor, sending water to flick onto the ends of everyone's pants.

"Shit, sorry!" Shepard bent down to pick up the shards, embarrassed again with her slip. Shit, shit, shit. Why did Joker have to mention his hair?

_Stupid, stupid, woman_, she thought to herself as she cut herself on the glass, hissing slightly. _You let the Illusive Man get to you so badly_.

Garrus placed a talon on her arm, drawing it up to examine the bleeding while Chakwas rushed to get a broom.

"Shepard, spirits, what's wrong?" he asked. "I've never seen you this clumsy."

Joker looked alarmed as Garrus settled her back in her seat. "Fuck," he swore. "Did I say something wrong? Oh, does the poor kid have horrible hair or something? Was that Kaidan's big, dark, secret –he really has awful hair under all that careful styling? It's a cowlick, right? Or a wig, and he's really a redhead?"

He was only trying to lighten the sudden heavy atmosphere but Shepard brushed it off, barely glancing at him as he gave her a tentative smile.

As she tried to pick a sliver of glass out of her finger she mumbled, "The Illusive Man shaved all of his hair off in front of me and then attached electrodes to his bald head. It just got to me a little...that's all."

Shepard shrugged uncomfortably, horribly embarrassed.

She hated this open feeling; all of her emotions out of control and all her weak parts exposed. The Illusive Man was a large wolf that had torn into her side, tearing great chunks of flesh away and then leaving her behind for the vultures to peck at; for maggots of fear and doubt to fester. She wanted to be strong and unexposed again. She wanted her armor back. This was why she had never wanted kids. She was a terrified little girl again with no power. Miles already had more power over her than anyone else in the galaxy, even more than his father. Her newest and softest spot.

"He shocked your son in front of you?!" Garrus asked, voice rising. "Screw this." He stood and made to leave the room. "I'm getting my rifle and nailing that bastard to the wall."

Shepard grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "No. Don't you think if _I_ could _find_ the Illusive Man that I would have pulled 'a Liara' and already flayed him alive with my mind or something? I managed to stop him before he started the current. But you can see I had no choice in raiding that facility."

Garrus radiated fury from every taut line in his body. "No," he agreed. "You did the right thing. You made the only choice you could. Torturing kids... I thought the Illusive Man said after Pragia that he didn't condone that?"

"Yeah, well he lied about a lot of things. Jack is gonna flip her shit," Joker interjected and Shepard nodded. Joker looked miserable.

"Shepard, I'm gonna get that kid back for you or die trying, alright?" Joker promised. "I swear, I'll try to make it right."

He leaned closer to her and gently took her palm. As she looked at him quizzically he started picking out the tiny shard of glass she had missed.

"Pilots have steady hands and keen eyes," he shrugged and let go of her now glass-free hands. "I might not be able to fight anyone, or kick much ass, but I'll use what I do have to find him."

"I'm with you, too," Garrus agreed. "I'll do whatever it takes. Point me and I'll shoot."

"Me too." Chakwas said. "The whole crew is behind you. We can't abandon you now."

Shepard had to blink back more tears, overwhelmed with gratefulness. She simply nodded, her eyes telling them what she couldn't vocalize.

"We're going to Illium," she said, her voice back to the same inspiring tone she had used during the suicide mission. She'd harden her heart, harden her skin, and sharpen her fangs to bite the Illusive Man back. Let him fester and writhe in doubt. She'd destroy everything he loved if he so much as made Miles cry again. "Liara might be able to help us with her information network. Even Cerberus can't silence their projects forever. We'll follow paper trails, troop movements, cargo and supplies. Lean on anyone we know, call in any favors. Any contacts you have, rumors, blackmail, bribery._Anything._ Miles is the priority target for safe extraction. Game faces on, soldiers."

The group nodded, Garrus already taking notes on his omni-tool. Joker bit his lip in thought.

She leant forward, her mind racing with plans and schemes. "While on Illium, we're going to stay low profile. I'm going to borrow one of Kasumi's outfits and wear a hood so I'm not recognised. Anyone I bring with me needs to wear similar disguises." She glanced at Garrus' distinctive face and scars. "Garrus, new face paint and armor, I think." He nodded and she stopped for a moment, considering. She bit her nail unconsciously and had to still her nervous hand.

Garrus' omni-tool was already a half-page of notes. She met Garrus' keen eyes and continued, "I want you to work with Kasumi on mocking up some clothing for everyone who wants to help out. I'll call a meeting soon and explain the situation. No one is forced into this. It's purely volunteer, and anyone who is not one-hundred-per-cent committed needs to leave and be fully debriefed that if they breathe a word about Miles to _anyone_, there will be very serious consequences."

She punctuated her last sentence with a dark look, picturing Zaeed mouthing off to merc buddies. She would impress on everyone that the baby was not up for discussion. It was far too dangerous. Their mission hinged on secrecy. If the Illusive Man found her out, Miles would be killed in retribution for her rebellion.

"Shepard, you should rest before you call the meeting. We are still over a day cycle away from Illium," EDI said. "You have been awake for 51 hours."

"I'll rest when I'm dead," she retorted but Chakwas stood, shaking her head.

"I agree with EDI. If you do not go up to your cabin and sleep right now, I will be forced to give you a mild sedative, Shepard. You look awful. And you need to be at your best from now on."

Shepard nodded, knowing there was no arguing with them.

Garrus stood with her and Joker followed them more sedately to the door.

"I'll walk you to your cabin," Garrus said and she shrugged, feeling a twinge of annoyance over their sudden coddling.

At the threshold she waved Garrus ahead and pulled Joker aside. "Just because I was pregnant doesn't make you magically guiltier," she whispered.

His eyes became panicked at her willingness to confront his guilt complex.

"It's fine, alright? I was a soldier playing with fire, and I happened to get burned. Not your fault. You're just gonna have to deal with it. And you don't need to apologize again, or make amends or whatever. Just keep flying me."

"Damn, Shepard," he mumbled, a wry humorless smile twisting his lips. "That kid is gonna hate me for an uncle. He'll grow up and hit seventeen and be like, 'Hey asshole Uncle Joker, thanks for spacing me that one time. Real great start to life.'"

"You are using hyperbole, Jeff, and sarcasm," EDI chimed in. "I am sure Miles Alenko will not grow to hate you unless you continue to behave like an asshole."

Shepard burst out laughing. It was forced and a little manic but it felt good to be doing something normal for the first time in days.

"Yeah, thanks for that pep talk, Mom," Joker griped, but Shepard could tell it was good-nurtured verbal sparring with EDI rather than any real ire.

"I am not your mother," EDI retorted. "But we shall discuss your attitude later and appropriate outlets for your sense of frustration and guilt."

"Channel it into rage at the Illusive Man, alright, Joker?" Shepard placed a hand on his shoulder. "We killed the Collectors for what they did; now it's Cerberus' turn."

He nodded and began moving to the elevator to head to the bridge.

"Set a course for Illium, and step on it," she told Joker as she and Garrus followed him into the elevator. "Keep us off Alliance's radar and away from their patrols. We're not tangling with their wolf packs or other frigates. Keep us quiet and safe."

* * *

In her cabin, Garrus took his time fluffing her pillow with exaggerated care to prevent puncturing them with his talons.

Shepard watched, disconnected from her body. She idly thought about the first time she and Kaidan had slept together again, and how she had accidentally blown up a pillow in a pillow fight. If only she could go back to that time. She never would have believed that such a complicated time period would be preferable to what she endured now.

Missing Kaidan was like a physical ache sometimes, and it seemed to grow worse with the widening gap between them, and a suddenly dead and alive baby. He had become some far off figure in her mind, untouchable and unknowable, as distant as the stars.

How had it come to this? They had started so simply.

Garrus looked at her expectantly, as if she should crawl into bed right now, armor and all and fall straight asleep. She stood, thinking that if she finally just _stopped_ that maybe she couldn't start again.

"You should rest, Shepard."

"No, I have things to do. I have to talk to the rest of the squad." She had to tell Kasumi and Samara at least. Samara knew what it was like to lose a child.

He shook his head. "You need sleep. You can talk with them later, like EDI said. We still have time and you'll think, fight and feel better with some rest."

As she thought of the crew a sudden awful thought occurred to her. "Jacob," she spat. "What if he knew too, along with Miranda?"

"Then, we'll arrest him too and throw him in with Miranda," Garrus soothed. "But I doubt he knew. He told me he was just the hired muscle on Lazarus Station. Besides, he seems like a family kind of guy. I doubt his integrity would allow him to lie to you for so long."

Shepard breathed a little easier, knowing in her heart that Garrus was probably right. Jacob wasn't capable of that level of cold-hearted deception. He seemed to barely know what went on during Lazarus, only viewing her body when it was 'meat and tubes'. Miranda probably didn't let him in the room during the later stages of her revival or pregnancy. At least she hoped not. Another betrayal was not something she wanted to deal with.

Shepard wandered over to her table for the lack of anything to fob Garrus off with and picked up Kaidan's and Miles' picture. She brought it over to her bedside table, and then she sat heavily and stared at it. Garrus sat beside her.

"He's...uh, a strong looking kid. Good, um, cheeks?" Garrus fumbled. "He, uh, looks like-"

"Kaidan? Yeah." She nodded, feeling that weird disconnect again. She was a mother. In just two days. How often did that happen? _Women usually had nine months to prepare for this kind of shit_, she thought indignantly. "EDI says that's a human thing, but give him thirty years and I don't think much will change. He's Kaidan all over."

"Got your eyes, though. And I see you in his lips and his round, squishy, human face. Spirits, your young are vulnerable. Where's his plating?"

She giggled at his faked aghast tone. "I dunno, Garrus. We just get by all soft and hairy, I guess. But it's a bad idea to drop human kids." She frowned. "Fuck, I hope I don't drop him," she added in a worried aside, just picturing fumbling around with a kid when she'd never held an actual baby before. Milo had only been five years younger than her. She barely remembered him as a young baby.

Garrus coughed. "It's like cradling a rifle, I'm told. Handle them gently but firmly."

Shepard gave him a narrowed sideways look, silently doubting that babies were anything like guns. Just how the hell did turians rear their kids, anyway? A strange mental picture of turian dads wandering around with their babies slung over their chests like rifles, meeting other fathers on battlefields to compare baby models and who had the best manufacturer popped into her head.

She almost laughed aloud when she imagined Kaidan turning up at weapon inspections with Miles all dressed up in camo and war paint, strapped to his chest.

She took it as a sign that she definitely needed some sleep, and her head seemed to throb in time with her heartbeat.

"He's um, beautiful. I definitely see you in him," Garrus said quietly.

Shepard's cheeks heated.

She mumbled a quick, "Thanks," and there was an awkward silence.

Garrus scratched the back of his fringe, Shepard recognising it as his signature nervous gesture. "Got to admit, it's hard to think of you as someone's mom."

"Yeah," she agreed. "Havin' the same problem myself. Wow. Do I know how to fuck things up or what?"

He didn't reply, but touched her shoulder, patting it lightly. She stared at the picture for several long minutes until Garrus broke the silence.

"You're going to need support, Shepard." Garrus took a heavy breath, and she knew she wasn't going to like what he had to say. "You're going to be arrested eventually. What about the kid, then? He can't go back to Earth. He's a black mark on your record if they work out his conception. His middle name may as well be "Court Martial". Either way you slice it, it looks bad. And right now? You need to look good, competent and responsible. Even turians know when they're blowing off steam to be careful of accidents. Our COs would ream us out."

"I don't need you to lecture me on responsibility, Garrus," she said sharply. "My birth control failed, alright? It's not like I meant for this."

"I wasn't accusing you. You don't have to get so defensive."

"Yeah, well. You try being cool-headed after the day I've had, and learning you squeezed out a fucking baby while half-dead."

"What I'm saying is you need to work out Miles' next of kin and guardian while you're under arrest, or if anything goes wrong."

"I-I haven't thought that far ahead," she stammered, trying to imagine the day she would have him back; when she could feel how soft his skin really was; put a beanie on his head, and lull him to sleep with soft words. "To be honest, all I want to do is hold him and then figure out the details."

"He can't go back to Earth," Garrus said again. "Aside from the Alliance issue, Cerberus will have moles there. Who, I'm sure, have no qualms slipping by foster care or pulling strings for him to land right back in their hands. They have very deep pockets and resources, and too many conspiracies to count. The batarians are baying for your blood. If it becomes public knowledge about Miles, he's at risk with anyone looking for revenge on you for killing _their_ son on Aratoht when you blew the mass relay."

Shepard swallowed thickly, suppressing her emotions.

"Who can you trust on Earth? You don't have family aside from military officials, like Kaidan and Anderson. You aren't even friends with civilians who aren't thieves or mercs. You have no sisters or mother who would be willing to take care of him."

She flinched, recognising the hard truth. She was horribly, horribly unsuited to raising a child. She didn't even know what the Alliance would say about it. She was technically almost a war criminal or deserter. Add in an illicit baby with her old LT and she may as well conduct her own disastrous court martial.

Plausible deniability over frat reg breaking went out the goddamn window with a kid involved.

"What about Alenko?" Garrus asked. "You haven't told him, obviously. Will you give Miles to him?"

"Yeah, I'm sure that will go really well," she scoffed. "'Here, Kaidan. Please look after our instant baby while I am a prisoner for an indefinite amount of time; oh and please don't tell the Alliance why you need sudden paternity leave. P.S: surprise! Now I'll just pop over to HQ and get my ass chewed out by the Alliance while dragging you down with me by association. But hey, we'll play happy families as soon as I get out of military prison in fifty years.'"

Garrus didn't look amused and she shifted awkwardly on the bed, rubbing her eyes.

"Yeah, great stuff," she mumbled. "I just betrayed the one thing he loves above everything else. I'm sure he's seen the vids of me subduing Alliance soldiers by now. He doesn't trust me and why should he? I advocated Cerberus' cause to him, and then I hand him a baby that was a Cerberus project? I don't even know how he would take it. Everything he told me was true, I was just in too deep to see it. He was right. I almost drowned in the Illusive Man's lies."

Garrus looked away and then back to her face. His gaze was furtive and a little shy. "Well uh... I-If you need someone to play dad, well, I'm around. You know, teach the kid how to shoot. Do manly things; pick up all the ladies with charm and overwhelming coolness. Stuff like that. Haven't done much babysitting, but how hard could it be?" He smiled crookedly, sharp teeth gleaming. "I know how to handle a rifle like no one's business."

"Are you offering to play house with me?" She smiled; amazed he would do that for her. Help raise another man's baby.

"That some kind of human game?" He grinned back and she knew that he already understood the game; he was just teasing. "I'm just saying - he's a Shepard. And Shepards are alright in my book. Vakarian and Little Shepard storm the Citadel while Big Shepard directs the mayhem. Sounds like fun. We could let him crap in Udina's office or something badass like that."

She did burst into sincere giggles then, feeling cheered. "Not like old times, huh?" She sobered as she realized what he was saying. "You call him Little Shepard. Not Little Alenko?"

He frowned and his nose wrinkled. "Way I see it, Alenko abandoned you when things got tough. He doesn't like what you do so he bails. Not what you do with a mate. It's not what I- what turians do. The kid is Little Shepard to me."

"Garrus, that's not fair," she snapped, suddenly annoyed. The worst part was she wasn't entirely sure if his attitude was fuelled by jealousy. She hoped it wasn't. "We're in a very awkward situation. And he was right on the Citadel. Anyway, I can barely keep my own life straight, let alone adding a kid, messy breakups and treason to the mix."

"Kaidan is a good man," Garrus said. "I'm not saying he isn't. What I am wondering is if he is good for _you _anymore. If there was a choice between you and the Alliance, or a choice between Miles and the Alliance, he needs to choose you and the kid. Every time. I don't care about the logic of it."

"Duty has to come first-"

"No, Shepard. Putting duty first is how you ended up in this mess. You need to put your own needs first for once."

"No," she said flatly and shook her head. "Ignoring my duty is how we ended up with a child. Kaidan is doing the right thing. We were right to break up." Her eyes slanted away, and she gazed at her hands, tracing the scars and recent injuries. Her voice lowered when she said, "And I know how you feel about me-"

"That's not why I'm offering to be the kid's father, Shepard, and you damn well know it," Garrus interrupted, pulling back from her a little. "I've accepted your choice and moved on, I had hoped you knew that. I sure as hell don't pine over possibilities when you're clearly still in love with a man who walked away from you twice," he said with a little heat in his voice and Shepard flinched, unused to him calling her out.

"I don't want anything from you," he said. "I told you, you're my best friend and just being Shepard and Vakarian is more than enough for me. But you're on your own now. Kaidan isn't here. If everything goes to plan, you'll have an infant, too. There are a lot of people out there that want to murder you. I'm not saying I don't care for you, but I'm no fool, or a pathetic teenager. I can read the writing on the wall and I'm just trying to look out for you."

"I know. I didn't think you'd ever say something like that for selfish reasons." She ran a hand through her hair, frowning. "God, Garrus, I know that more than anyone. I'm just too confused at the moment to make any decisions. Kaidan has a right to know. When things settle down and I can tell him, I'll let him decide if he wants to be a part of Miles' life. But I know that you'll be there for me anyway and I can't even begin to tell you how much that means to me. I don't know what I'll do when I have Miles back, but I'll just take it one day at a time."

There was a silence again, so Garrus moved into the bathroom and poured her another glass of water, and placed it by her picture of her boys. He looked at her and he suddenly reminded her distinctly of Samara's stern disapproval or Chakwas' glare.

"Garrus, don't nag. I'll sleep soon," she yawned and waved him off. Sleep seemed like such a hard thing to fall into when she had six months of her baby's life to catch up on, two whole other pictures to memorize.

Garrus sighed and said, "He'll need protection. From the Reapers and spirits knows what else. We know they're coming. War is inevitable. He needs protection from the Alliance and from Cerberus, too. He can't stay with you while you're on trial, if you still intend to surrender. The court will vilify you."

"For fuck's sake, Garrus!" She exploded, a hot swoop of frustration rising in her. She had _plans._ She had a _family _now. It was going to be taken from her before she even got it back. Shepard was angrier at the situation than at Garrus' continued attempts to make her face it. "I know, OK?! _I know_. You saying that I'll have to give him up twice doesn't fucking help me."

"Sorry," he said, but didn't seem very contrite. "I just want to prepare you for what's waiting on Earth if you go back."

"What can I do, then?" she asked, a plaintive note threading through the words.

"You can run away with the crew," he said quickly, his eyes jumping around in fevered thought. She could see ideas swim by behind his eyes. "_We_ can hide." He grabbed her hand, clutching it between his talons. "You, me, and the kid can just disappear on Omega or some other backwater planet where the Alliance has no sway. I can cover us; keep us away from the batarians and Cerberus. I know people; I know methods and ways not to ever be found again. He'd be safe with us. No one would lock you up away from him."

She looked at his fierce face and realized he was deadly serious. She considered it for a moment, just grabbing Miles from the Illusive Man and running away with her best friend and her little boy.

_Never_, she thought. Never could she leave Kaidan behind. Never. She'd run away with him too, or not at all.

Even with the rest of the crew, taking the _Normandy_ like space pirates on the run from everyone, they couldn't do it.

She would have to face her crimes to give Miles a chance at a normal life.

"And the Reapers?" she asked Garrus. His eyes skittered away, his grand dreams turning to ashes. "The sheer logistics of outrunning _everyone_ out to get us? Fuel, weapons, supplies? What about Kaidan? Eventually we'll have to dock and a sniper will shoot my brains out or a batarian mob will lynch me. What if they raid the ship? What if someone blows it again? No way."

Shepard shook her head.

"No. I have to go back and face the music; everything I've done."

She sighed and Garrus wrapped an arm around her shoulders, drawing her into a rough hug. "I'll work out something for Miles," she mumbled to the skin at his neck, finally closing her eyes.

More thinking aloud than any real plans, she continued, "Samara had children; she would know how to take care of them. Perhaps she could look after him while I talk to the Alliance and explain things to Kaidan. And when things have settled down in a few weeks she can bring him to Earth."

Garrus carded a talon through her messy hair, taming it, and she finally felt something unwind in her. She collapsed sideways onto the pillows, exhausted right down to her bones. She still felt the snow of Alchera on her skin, grief bitter on her tongue, rage hard in her heart.

Garrus helped her pull off armor pieces until she was back in her singlet and shorts.

"You'll figure it out, Shepard. You always do. I'll be right behind you."

As he moved to leave the room, she called out, "Stay, please. Garrus, I'm tired of being alone. The walls seem too small and the window above my bed it-" she broke off, looking away from his face. "I just don't want to sleep alone again. Miles should be here. Kaidan should be here. "

Shepard swallowed thickly and fell silent. She knew it was stupid. Garrus didn't need her behaving like a fucking sissy. She didn't know why she said it, only that her cabin was cold and lonely and she couldn't stand to sleep with nothing to distract her except for Miles' screams.

He didn't protest and they didn't put into words what they were doing as he pulled his armor off and settled beside her on the bed, holding her. Sharp talons settled against her stomach, lightly scratching the skin there. It was pleasant, like the way Kaidan used stroke her bare shoulder, curled around each other so tightly it was hard to tell where his body ended and hers began. Garrus' heavy head rested near the crook of her neck, breath warm on her skin. It wasn't sexual; she didn't feel as if she was betraying Kaidan. It was just a small bit of comfort between friends and from someone she trusted implicitly.

Shepard knew she was probably being unfair. But Alchera's wind stopped whistling between her ears, Miles stopped crying, and Kaidan stopped walking away for a moment. Being held while she fell asleep was enough. Just enough to know she was alive and there could be hope and home again.

"Maybe I can be granted visitors or a-a-apartment," she mused around a yawn, lulled by his body heat and deep breaths. He was so much harder and even a bit colder than Kaidan's soft warmth, burning with his biotics, but she thought guiltily, if she just pretended...

"I'll beg Anderson to arrange me some maternity rights or something. Soldiers still have them... I think. I don't know-"

Garrus hummed something in the back of his throat, and it was comforting and familiar. Shepard shut her eyes.

* * *

Kaidan felt like throwing up as Anderson shoved him into a side room in the Citadel tower.

"Here," Anderson barked, shoving some armor at him. "Put this on. There's going to be cameras there and you need to look professional."

"Cameras? Shepard didn't have cameras at her ceremony."

"Shepard's ceremony was an emergency. This has been planned; we were just waiting for the right catalyst."

Kaidan hastily shoved on the armored pieces, not taking the time to admire the craftsmanship of it.

"Remember," Anderson warned. "Shepard is nothing to you. She is nothing to me. Everything is professional and cold, got it?"

"I got it, sir," Kaidan agreed. "She's a former colleague, nothing more."

"Good." Anderson nodded, breathing harshly and looking harried. "I think I've got everything organized. I have a ship ready for you, skeleton crew, so you'll be a working singularly. I think the less people who know about what's going on, the better."

"Agreed. Less chance of her getting shot. Carlin was practically salivating over the chance to take Shepard down," Kaidan muttered as they fell into step beside one another. "It's like she's a notch in their belts, she's so infamous,"

Anderson hummed in agreement. "She's always been a good soldier. Always had that survival instinct, even as a sixteen years old. Guess it comes from scrambling for your life on the streets every day."

Kaidan blinked, forgetting his composure. "You knew her at _sixteen_?"

"Yeah. Little scrawny thing, big untrusting eyes and the biggest damn chip on her shoulder. I met her when she first joined up. I saw something in her. I've kept an eye out for her all these years, and she likes to think she kept an eye out for me too. Damn well has, although you ever tell her that and I'll bust your ass back to Lieutenant." Anderson laughed and Kaidan smiled weakly back, thinking that sounded like Shepard, all right. She was fiercely protective of Anderson, although she played it down with jokes and jibes at him.

Anderson clapped a hand on his shoulder, stepping closer as a salarian passed down the hall leading to the main chamber.

Anderson spoke quickly and quietly, but his eyes glittered with sincerity. "I never approved of her choice to carry on that...affair with you. But seeing you these past few months, I realize that you do care for her, beyond what I thought you did. I've misjudged what went on during the SR-1's flight. You're a good man."

"Sir, you don't have to-"

"I think we can drop the 'sir' for a moment, Kaidan. You can call me David."

Kaidan stammered, "Uh, I think I'll stick with Anderson. You don't have to say anything. In your position, I would be pissed too. We didn't use very good judgement."

"Sometimes you have to say to hell with good judgement and trust your gut, son. Shepard is twice the soldier of anyone in the Alliance because she knows that. It's what sets her above the rest. It's what lets her steal the _Normandy_ and save the Citadel, save the colonies. I'm proud to consider her a daughter."

Anderson glanced ahead to where the Council was waiting and straightened one of Kaidan's armor pieces.

"What does _your_ gut tell you now? What has Shepard taught you?"

Shepard smiled. Her fingers crawled up his spine. She sighed into his chest. She cried, fat, ugly tears as he held her on his lap. She bled. She yelled and cursed at him, her face scrunched. She punched him in his arm, laughing. She raised her gun, a battle cry bursting from her lips. Her biotics slammed him across the training mat. Her skin was sweaty as she sat on top of him, holding him down and teasing him with her kisses. Her eyes glittered, her skin bared to his hungry gaze. She was warm and soft. She read her book in that quiet, haltering voice, mispronouncing words and almost crying with frustration when she couldn't get it; her smile lighting up the room when she did.

_The stars from the galaxy map had fallen into her eyes to drown._

He thought of nothing but Shepard and her precious book and her kind heart. His heart thumped in beat with her own, light-years away, her love its own brand of quantum entanglement.

He had read to her once, not realizing the irony of his words,

_"She cast her fragrance and her radiance over me. I ought never to have run away from her... I ought to have guessed all the affection that lay behind her poor little stratagems. Flowers are so inconsistent! But I was too young to know how to love her..."_

Kaidan's eyes blazed, his lips set firm. "That loving her wasn't a mistake. I'm ready."

Kaidan stepped up onto the podium.

* * *

Sparatus glared at Kaidan. "It is the decision of the Council that you be granted all the rights and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance Branch of the Citadel."

Kaidan stared straight, his stance braced, and his feet wide. The gathered crowd watched him. Anderson's eyes bored into him.

_I'm coming for you, Shepard._

"Spectres are not trained, but chosen. Individuals forged in the fire of service and battle; those whose actions lift them above the rank and file," the salarian Councillor said in a reedy voice.

_You're going to be safe. The Illusive Man can't have you. Indoctrination can't have you. The Reapers can't have you. You're not theirs to possess._

Tevos was serene, a small smile on her face. "Spectres are an ideal, a symbol, the embodiment of courage, determination, and self-reliance. They are the right hand of the Council, instruments of our will."

Kaidan swallowed, his trigger finger twitching, his muscles bunching in his armor. He wondered if his Ma and Pa would see the news.

What would Shepard say?

Everything seemed to fade away to just his mission. Shepard's face was the only one he saw. She was the new target, the priority. She needed extraction.

"Spectres bear a great burden," Anderson boomed. "Both our first and last line of defence, the safety of the galaxy is theirs to uphold. Congratulations, Commander. You are the second human Spectre."

* * *

_There was a wood._

_Dark hair streaked through the trees, glimpsed from the corner of her eye._

_Little feet, blue sneakers and Alenko smiles. The wood flashed in bits and spurts. Her heart fluttered. She didn't know this place. Shepard's own giggle from a little boy's mouth taunted her._

_She ran for him. The trees whispered._

_"Go back and get Alenko._ _You know it's the right choice, LT."_

_A skinny man stood by an oak tree, leaning on it casually. He smoked, the embers drifting. The whispers intensified. He had dark hair, but he was too short to be Kaidan._

_She knew it wasn't Kaidan._

_The boy ran to him. "Uncle!"_

_His voice sounded like every little boy she had ever heard, and at the same time, like none of them. It echoed, voices layered into it. The timbre was wrong and right, brand new and ancient. She heard herself, Kaidan, and everyone she had ever cared for. Her dream mind dismissed it, the strange woods beckoning the bizarre._

_Milo picked up his namesake. She grabbed his shoulder, turning them. She wanted to see their faces. She never dreamt about him as an adult. He was forever young._

_They caught fire at her touch._

_Kaidan knelt by the ashes, sifting through them desperately as if he could fashion himself a new son with ashes and water and glue and she fell to her knees with him._

_When she turned, he was gone too. She called and called for him, but she had gone blind. There was only darkness._

_Ash was in the woods, in her eyes, in her mouth, in her lungs._

_Someone was wailing._

* * *

"Kaidan..." she murmured.

Someone was pulling on her shoulder, and she jerked fully awake, almost head-butting Garrus in her haste.

"No, Shepard. It's Garrus," he said calmly from where he stood bent over her. "Wake up, you need to see this."

She blinked, fully returning to consciousness. Her dream drifted away, the only remnants dried tears in the corner of her eye.

She looked around blearily and noticed that, while she had been sleeping, Garrus had gotten up and draped a blanket over her. He'd also cleaned her messy cabin. It was spotless, all her used glasses and armor pieces and dirty laundry cleared away. He'd even cleaned her pistol and laid it back out, disassembled on her work table. Her cabin was usually never this clean unless Kaidan lived with her.

"Hey, thanks for cleaning my messy shit," she said with a small smile, but he frowned.

"No, Shepard. Get up and watch the news." He clicked the screen over her model ships and she scampered out of bed, perplexed with what had him so agitated, enough to wake her up after he had tried so hard to get her to sleep.

Garrus switched the asari news channel on, the same one that had been playing silently on his 'tool.

"Earlier today, Alliance Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko was inducted into the Spectres,-"

Shepard's heart stopped and she rubbed her eyes, desperately willing herself to wake up. This couldn't be happening.

_Kaidan a Spectre?_

The Illusive Man's intel and taunts had been right. Kaidan was Anderson's new protégée.

"- the second human in galactic history to attain that honor. Rumours abound as to the exact nature of the promotion, but it is widely known that Commander Shepard has recently worked for avowed enemy of the Citadel Council and the Alliance, the terrorist organization, Cerberus.

"Is humanity just protecting its assets on the Citadel? Is there more behind this promotion? How deep does the Cerberus corruption in the Alliance go, if one of their best known war heroes, Commander Shepard, can fall? Can the galactic community still trust the new Citadel race? Will Alenko be up to the task?" the pretty reporter asked slyly, with a knowing gleam in her eye, and Shepard suddenly wanted to punch her.

The screen changed and Shepard gaped. Kaidan was there, just exiting the Citadel Tower with Anderson.

She could say with no exaggeration that Kaidan looked more dangerous and handsome than ever before. He had new armor, different from his usual Alliance blue. It was plain black and fitted, bulkier than Shepard's but still light enough for him to move quickly. There was the white Spectre logo emblazoned on the corner of the chest piece. Her eyes zeroed in, not absorbing what they saw.

He looked completely in control and every inch a professional. His eyes were cold and shuttered, endlessly dark. If she didn't know how he laughed when she licked a path down his spine, when she tickled his sides, when she kissed him, she would have said he never knew how to smile.

"We tried to obtain an interview today but he was tight-lipped on his sudden promotion. Councillor Anderson similarly dodged the press."

Kaidan and Anderson were walking to a waiting transport, their heads down, avoiding the camera flashes and screaming press. She didn't even know how the media had gotten wind of the promotion, but wagered someone in the Council's administration had tipped them off. Kaidan looked as calm and unruffled as ever, but she could tell by the slight frown between his brows that he was uncomfortable with the attention. It was such a small tell, but it meant the world to her that he wasn't as cold as he seemed.

"Commander!" a reported yelled. "Commander! What do you have to say to the rumor that you have been promoted to hunt down your former CO? Will you kill Commander Shepard? Do you feel up to the task? Does your experience with Saren make you uniquely suited?"

Kaidan met the reporter's eyes steadily and had a carefully neutral face. "No comment," he replied, bland.

He and Anderson bundled into the transport. No doubt to head to the docking bays and send Kaidan out on his own ship. He was coming after her.

"Stay tuned for the full analysis tonight and don't forget to join our forum," the asari smiled. "We have a full biography coming up."

"Well, this just got a whole lot more complicated. He looked like a pro. And Alenko loves his Alliance." Garrus swore under his breath and switched off the screen. He looked agitated, scowling at the empty screen.

"Fucking hell." Shepard collapsed on her couch.

The father of her son was assigned to either assassinate her or drag her to Earth in chains. He was an obstacle in her path, one she wasn't sure if she could hurdle.

This was one fight she didn't know if she could win. They were assigned enemies.

The Citadel Spectre and the space pirate, on the run from the law.

Her sweet LT was gone.

"How the hell are we supposed to avoid the Spectres, let alone Kaidan?" asked Garrus. "You and I both know he's more than capable."

Shepard chewed her nails, the thought of sleep banished.

There could be no rest. Time was running out. She bounded to her feet.

Her team needed to be briefed.

Garrus' eyes were dark as he pulled on his armor and made a motion as if he wished he held his rifle. "We need to be quick finding Miles, Shepard. You and Kaidan have history, but he's a Spectre now, and you are a branded enemy of the Council. He'll have to go through me first."

Shepard shook her head. "Miles will be made safe first. And then I'll let Kaidan catch me."


	37. Neurotherapy and the Floating Circus

_Content warning for sexual situations and disturbing scenes. _

_I'd like to take a moment to thank my regular readers and reviewers. You make every word worth it, and I never expected even five reviews. I'd also like to thank the people who have in the past, and will in the future, pick out my mistakes, Avril, Willow, and Cortina. Thanks, ladies._

* * *

"Alright, people, listen up."

Shepard stood at the head of the briefing table, her entire team (excluding Miranda) gathered before her as they had for the suicide mission. Illium was only hours away and it was time for the most important mission of her life to begin.

"What I'm about to tell you is personal and in no way obligates you to help me. You want off when we get to Illium? Fine. We shake hands and you walk away, back to your old lives. But I need your discretion," Shepard said, gazing around the room at faces that ranged from bored, to curious, to inexpressive.

"Shepard, what the hell is going on with you lately?" said Jack. "I thought you were gonna go back to being a girl scout with Lover Boy. Now you got us cruising all over the galaxy. You finally wanna take me up on that offer of becoming an awesome space pirate, bitches?" Jack laughed and crossed her arms, her dark eyes dancing with rare amusement.

"Ah, no, Jack. Gonna pass on that one."

"Please, just tell us," Samara cut in smoothly. "We will not betray your trust."

Shepard took a deep breath. "OK. So you all know I was a corpse for a while there. My ship blew and I got spaced and that's how Cerberus got a hold of me."

There were nods all around the room. Zaeed lit his cigar looking bored to death. Legion's flashlight head tilted curiously at her, perhaps picking up on her distress.

"So, um, when I died, I was…pregnant." Shepard glanced away, a strange feeling washing over her. These were intimate details, not meant for anyone to know. That time was private. Intai'sei was private. What was between her and Kaidan was private and now all of them knew. It felt like the most precious time in her life had been sullied and made somehow sordid.

"I found out recently that Cerberus saved my son, too, and the Illusive Man is holding him as blackmail material. His name is Miles, and my mission is to save him."

There was a ringing silence and then -

"Holy. Fucking. Shit. Princess." Zaeed gaped at her. "You don't do things half-cocked, do ya?"

Shepard rolled her eyes. "No. No, I don't."

"Does your ship always run like a space opera, or are you just having a good year? Heh. Guess I owe your Soldier Boy a cigar."

Shepard ignored him.

"The plan is to go to Illium and gather information about Project Changeling, which is my son's project codename. Then we're gonna stomp their damn door down and get him back. But the Illusive Man is being fooled to think he has control of me, so this needs to be quick, quiet, and it needs your utmost discretion."

Jacob's face had paled. "I swear I didn't know, Commander. I never, ever would have let them go ahead with it if I had known. They didn't let me in the room for the latter stages. I wouldn't have let Miranda continue. That's just not right, using kids."

Shepard nodded, satisfied with the dawning horror on his face, that he knew nothing about it.

Samara stepped forward. "What has been done to you was a grave injustice. One I will do all in my power to correct. I am with you, Shepard. I shall reunite you with your child. I do not wish the regrets I am burdened with onto you."

"Same here," Kasumi agreed, her face shocked but eager. "We'll get your boy, Shep. Never stole back a baby before but there's a first time for everything." She winked at Shepard and she smiled back.

"This unit is ready to assist you, Shepard-Commander." Legion nodded at her. "Our runtimes have reached consensus. We will recover your progeny. Shepard-Infant-Miles will be extracted. Addendum: You should be aware genetic immortality is imperfect and unattainable. You should download your consciousness into geth if you wish to live forever. Breeding is unnecessary. We do not understand the attachment to small, fragile organics. They are not perfect copies. They are also…unsanitary."

"Agree with the geth. Messy. Loud. But human compulsion. Salarians don't accidentally conceive. Not hormonally driven. Ah! Still, will be interesting to have infant human to observe. Can take notes."

"Mordin," she said with a warning note in her voice. "No science experiments, alright?"

Mordin inhaled deeply. "Of course not! Perfectly harmless. Will show him my seashell collection."

Shepard knew it was a bad idea to tell them the news all at once. It was like a fucking circus. Grunt's face had fallen in abject misery.

"A kid? No. Where's the killing? Can I eat him? Will you still make me pancakes? I don't want you to make pancakes for him. He can't sleep in my room."

Shepard leant over and smacked Grunt over the back of his head. "You're not eating Miles, Grunt! You remember you learnt this on Tuchanka? He's my clan and kin, so he's your clan now, too. Yes, of course, I'll still make you pancakes, and no, he's too young to eat yours so stop being such a pyjak. No, he will sleep in my cabin, don't be stupid. And you can totally kill all the Cerberus soldiers you like."

Grunt's eyes cut happily to Jacob and his jaw widened.

"No, Grunt," Shepard growled. "I don't mean Jacob."

She ran a floating circus, she decided. She ran a circus of uncontrollable psychopaths, thieves, liars and murderers and she loved every single one of them in their own weird way. Even Grunt who wanted to eat her baby. She hoped desperately he was just kidding. He seemed to be picking up some weird sense of humor from Joker and EDI lately.

"Arashu protect you and your family, Siha. You are a great protector. Miles' rescue is not beyond you. You have me as your right hand." Thane smiled at her and then, to her horror, his face blanked.

"Brown eyes. Warm gaze. We sit, drinking coffee. His drink has too much sugar. His eyes are pinched. He says he has a headache. He watches the woman across the room. He smiles. He doesn't look so tired. There is grey in his hair, glinting in the harsh light. She laughs and he grins too, hearts beating in symbiosis. I think of Kolyat and Irikah. Sunset eyes defiant in the scope have snared another victim. Young love. He tries to catch her, but she slips through his fingers like water. I tell him she reminds me of my wife. He tells me she is special to him. I hope they have a happier ending, but I know better."

Thane's eyes returned to normal, but Shepard's face burned and every single pair of eyes in the room were either on Shepard or Thane. An involuntary memory-flashback; a conversation between Thane and Kaidan when he'd been on board, watching Shepard.

If it weren't for the new mission she clung to, focused on, used to blot out everyone in the room, Shepard could have sunken to the floor and disappeared forever.

Zaeed burst into loud, ugly guffaws. "Oh, Princess. Your life is such a mess. You poor bitch. Heh. Best decision of my life accepting this job. I'll have stories for years."

"Yeah, so, Thane. Great job," Joker said over the comm. "Talk about making things awkward. Embarrassment is an art and you're a master, huh?"

"Is Kaidan coming back?" Grunt asked. "If he came back, maybe I could let him sleep in my room." The hint of hope in his voice made Shepard scowl. She'd never, ever understand why Grunt inexplicably liked Kaidan so much.

"My apologies, Siha."

She mumbled, "It's fine," and Garrus started dispersing the gathering.

The rest of the team made similar noises of assent as they all moved off to collect armor and weapons. Shepard couldn't help being surprised. Despite his amusement, even Zaeed seemed eager to help out.

"You command a lot of loyalty, Shepard." Garrus came up beside her and placed a hand on her shoulder, towering over her. "Don't be so surprised we're one-hundred percent behind you. You helped all of us with something. It's our turn to be there for you."

He left and, as he did so, Shepard noticed Jack hovering in the doorway. She looked young, but as Shepard met her eyes, she saw a fire burning there.

"I will fuck those sons of bitches up, Shepard," Jack promised. She suddenly looked her age for once, lines of fear in her face. "H-have they, you know, done _things_ to him? Like they did with me?"

Shepard swallowed. God, she hoped not. If they tortured him…cut him. Shepard didn't know what she would do, but she knew she would burn Cerberus to the ground and never rest until the Illusive Man was dead. "They, uh, threatened to. I-I don't know what they've done. He's a biotic. They mentioned refining techniques they used on you, on him."

Jack's face blazed and, to Shepard's shock, reached forward - pulling her into a crushing hug.

"Not on my fucking watch. I told you not to trust Cerberus! No other kid is going through what I went through. I fucking swear it. I'll rip them apart."

Shepard gingerly wrapped her arms around Jack. She could feel her slight body trembling. "I know you will, Jack. I'm lucky to have you with me. We'll wreck their shit."

"Alright, now let's stop being a bunch of pussies and go get your little love child back. You stupid bitch, you ever heard of protection? It's this wonderful new thing that came out hundreds of years ago and people use all the fucking time."

Shepard rolled her eyes, mildly sick of the third degree from everyone over her love life. "Yeah, well. I broke my arm. Turns out the pill doesn't absorb so well sometimes. You'll have to thank Sovereign for that."

Jack huffed, eyes mischievous. "Figures _you_ would relate every-fucking-thing in your life back to the Reapers. Do you ever just take a break from 'Blah, blah. Reapers that, Reapers this'?"

Shepard narrowed her gaze, her mouth set firm.

Jack seemed to be enjoying teasing her. "No, you really don't, do you? I would say go get laid and drink some booze, but in your case that seems like a bad plan. So who knocked you up? Gonna bust his balls?"

Shepard looked away. "I think you already know who."

Jack laughed. "Well, it sure as hell wasn't Garrus." She slanted Shepard a sideways look, her grin positively feral. "Still, that asshole Kaidan has more balls than I gave him credit for. Not such a limp dick after all."

With that Jack spun and stomped out of the room, leaving Shepard gaping after her. She shook her head, a small smile on her lips and followed her out.

* * *

Kasumi put the finishing touches on her disguise by pulling a soft black hood over her head, covering her tightly braided hair.

"There! Finished!" Kasumi crowed. "You look devilishly sneaky, Shep. I like it. You look like a slightly less awesome version of me."

Shepard stretched to feel the flexible light armor mold around her body, wondering if this was how Kasumi felt all the time. She didn't deny it felt good to be out of her heavier armor and into such a comfortable outfit.

"I feel like I'm naked," Shepard said flatly, eyeing herself in the mirror and at how the light material clung to her every curve. She wasn't used to dressing in clothes so form fitting, but was grateful that Kasumi's outfit had actually fit her.

"Wow, why did no one say, 'Geez, Shepard. Your ass and hips are huge, you given birth recently?'" she scoffed to her reflection, throwing Kasumi a mock dirty look.

Kasumi shrugged. "Are you kidding? I don't have a death wish. Besides, I always thought you looked a bit too stressed and definitely not like a new mom. There was no glow, only rage and, you know, dead mercs. You had a bad time and looked like a skeleton for a while there. You replaced all the baby fat with muscle once you got a bit better. I'm not surprised you didn't notice."

"I guess waking up to a disappeared life hit me harder than I thought. Kaidan..." Shepard paused, searching for words as she picked up her old clothes from Kasumi's couch, folding them to stow in her cabin later.

She fussed over a button and avoided Kasumi's eyes. "When Kaidan came back aboard he said that I hadn't been eating properly, and that my biotics had burned off too much of my energy. He said the same thing had happened to him after Brain Camp - he had neglected things because he'd been depressed. He started making me snacks, the cereal like we both love and I started to feel better. He made me slow down a little, and I started healing. He always brought me hot chocolate and coffee. And never forgot to put too much sugar in."

There was silence. Shepard couldn't help wondering if when Kaidan had touched her naked body, he had felt the changes and just didn't say anything. If he assumed they were caused by Lazarus.

_What a kick in the teeth_, she thought. She had felt self-conscious being naked around him for a while, knowing things had been…different from their time together on the SR-1. He had to reassure her that she was still her; that it was fine to have sex with the lights on; that there was no shame because, to him, she was beautiful and even though her freckles were different, her body was still the one he loved. She'd never realized half the differences weren't caused by Miranda, but by _him._

"That was good of him," Kasumi hummed after a while, looking at her kindly.

"I guess it was. He's always been like that, caring and sweet, you know? He seemed to understand what I needed from him. " Shepard smiled ruefully, thinking of their fights over Cerberus. "He's like the opposite of me," she laughed. "I'm a bitch. I don't know how he ever put up with me."

"Because you're not a bitch, and you're just as kind and caring as he is," Kasumi said with uncharacteristic steel in her voice. "Don't do that, Shep. Don't pretend to be something you're not. You always do. But everyone on this ship knows just who you really are, and we'd follow that person into hell."

Shepard turned away to face the bathroom mirror. "Sorry. Old habit."

She blinked and her eyes stung as Kasumi inserted brown contacts, grabbed her makeup bag and started applying powder to Shepard's face. She had theorized that anything that made Shepard look different from her pictures and vids plastered all over the galaxy was a good thing.

Commander Shepard wore N7 armor after all. Everyone knew her coloring. But with her eyes and hair hidden, her face was plain and mousey. She could blend in with a million other mercs or normal women who were just getting by on Illium.

"You miss him."

"Yeah."

"Is it worse now? I mean, now that you know about Miles? Is it weird, like do you feel a connection to him?" Kasumi asked, looking at her curiously. She finished applying the last of the makeup. "Keiji and I never spoke about kids. Always thought we would have time in the future. Sometimes… I wonder if it would have been easier to deal with losing him, if I had something other than the greybox to remember him by."

Shepard picked up her pistol from Kasumi's desk and experimentally holstered it. She pulled it out, testing how quick she could draw it in different armor.

"I've never felt more distant from him, even when we were just CO and subordinate," she said, examining the gun. She was still fast on the draw. She breathed deeply, trying to prepare herself for Illium. "I'm afraid to tell him. I've started drafting it in my head a million times, but when I get to the parts about Miles, I start thinking about how I don't have him with me, and the conversation stalls. The words get stuck in my throat. A baby. A six month old. Most guys can barely handle the part where the girlfriend reveals the pregnancy, let alone a baby all ready to go."

"Not all guys," Kasumi chided. "You say Kaidan 'got you', right? I'm sure he'll be happy. He clearly cares about you a great deal."

"That doesn't translate into caring about a kid instantly, either. And my fucking god, everything is so messed up. I still have to deal with the arrest. He's a Spectre now."

"So? Just means you're twice as kickass. How many kids have two Spectres for parents? Coolest kid in school."

Shepard didn't smile and Kasumi's face fell.

"I saw the news. He looked…"

"It looked bad. I gave Cerberus the benefit of the doubt and, somehow, I think his patience has run out. I don't think he'll ever forgive me for what I asked of him." Shepard crossed her arms, shifting uncomfortably. "That's fair. I'll never forgive myself. While I stood in my cabin and asked Kaidan to join Cerberus, the Illusive Man had our baby and was playing me like a fiddle. I wouldn't listen to him. I thought I knew best. How could Kaidan forgive that?"

Kasumi didn't answer and Shepard knew that she would have to figure out the solution for herself.

She crossed to the door, ready to check on the crew and depart for Illium.

* * *

Shepard opened the door to Liara's office, ignoring the closed sign. She must have been doing some private work.

A blue wave rushed towards Shepard and her eyes widened.

Quickly, she threw her hands wide, as if constructing an invisible wall, and the blue wave dissipated against her own hastily constructed barrier. There was a reverberating gong-like sound as the biotics collided, and she was forced back a step.

"Liara!" she yelled. "It's me. Shepard."

"Shepard!" Liara gasped. "Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you were… I thought you were someone else."

Shepard gaped. "Just who the hell were you expecting to shoot first and ask questions later?"

Liara relaxed her stance. "I have made many enemies lately. My office is closed. I didn't see the _Normandy_ dock. You look…different. My sincere apologies. I thought you were an assassin. I can't be too careful after Nyxeris."

"An assassin that walks through the front door?"

Liara shrugged. "Nyxeris did. You don't look like yourself. What happened to your eyes?"

Shepard looked down, eyeing her black, thief-like outfit. "Oh yeah. Forgot I was dressed like this. It's contacts and I'm wearing Kasumi's light armor. The _Normandy_ isn't here. She's in stealth mode, in orbit, and I took a shuttle down. I need discretion, hence the disguise and lack of warship."

Liara smiled tentatively. "It's good to see you again."

"You too, Liara." Shepard crossed Liara's office and stood by the guest seat but didn't sit. There was an awkward silence, and Liara fiddled with an ornament on her desk, looking away from her eyes.

"I confess," Liara started, finally breaking the silence. "I was worried you were still angry with me over the roll I played in delivering you to Cerberus. I wanted to apologize again, but you were so angry. I was afraid I would just make things worse by contacting you."

Shepard shook her head, stepping closer to her. "Liara, I wasn't angry because you saved me. I have my life back because of you. I have…" she broke off, realizing that it was thanks to Liara that Miles had his life, but it was also thanks to her that he was in Cerberus' clutches. "I have a lot of things now. I was angry because of the secrecy. Because you didn't feel it was necessary to inform Kaidan, who had a right to know. The lies have almost destroyed us. I felt so trapped by Cerberus, and maybe I did take it out on you. I'm sorry for that. I didn't mean to sound so ungrateful. But I had a right to be angry. You crossed a line."

"I'm sorry for everything I got you mixed up in." Liara's blue eyes shined with tears. "But I thought I was doing all I could to save you. I-I couldn't lose you." One small tear spilled down her cheek and Shepard wanted to hug her, but sensed Liara had to say what she wanted to say. "I couldn't understand how you could be so bright, whole and alive one day, and just snuffed out the next. Asari are used to watching those they love eventually die. But I could not accept you dying so young. There was no warning. No time to prepare my heart. I'm sorry." Liara shrugged and picked up the ornament on the desk again, fiddling with it for a distraction. "Maybe it was a sign of my immaturity. Maybe it was a sign that I cared too much for you."

Shepard swallowed and looked away. She never realized how deep Liara's feelings for her ran. The lengths that she would go to…

For a moment she was shamefully glad that she would go so far. It made Liara more likely to help her with Miles.

"I couldn't grieve like Kaidan did," Liara said, and Shepard suddenly understood that maybe Kaidan's way of dealing with things had alienated him from the rest of the crew.

He was often repressed and stoic, pulling away when things got too close. Shepard understood that and let him have his space. She knew when to press for more closeness, which he would often give her, but that was born from long hours of talking and getting to know him. A deep love. He liked to present himself as always in control, as professional, and the general crew never saw past that. When she saw him on the vid screen in her cabin, Garrus had said he looked dangerous and all business, but she could see the conflict on his face.

He felt things too deeply. He didn't want to be wounded so badly he couldn't recover. She understood that better than most. They had dark pasts and their own ghosts to bury.

In the end, it was Shepard that had given him his deepest wound.

"He shut me down. Like it was all just the life of a soldier to him. Like you were nothing more than a comrade and we should all move on," Liara said, and there was a cold bitterness in her voice. "He wouldn't speak to me about you. He'd barely speak to anyone. Anderson tried, I think, but…eventually I couldn't stand it. I didn't have room to deal with his grief on top of my own. I was selfish. In hindsight I see that was just his way, and he probably fell apart when no one was around to see it. I'm so sorry."

"It's alright, Liara," Shepard said, and placed a hand on her arm. "It's in the past. We need to focus on the future. The future you gave me."

Liara nodded.

"Is this place clean of bugs?" Shepard asked.

"Of course, Shepard. I have acquired many skills since you last knew me. I'm not that frightened girl you found on Therum."

"Don't say anything," Shepard said, urgency making its way into her voice. "Just listen, alright? I need information on a Cerberus project. It's important. Can you get information on Cerberus?"

"It depends on the nature of the information. How deeply protected it is. There are grades of secrecy. What are you hunting? I have heard many rumors of late. What is going on with you and Cerberus? You know you're on the Alliance wanted list, right? Is it some mistake?"

"No mistake, I'm in pretty deep and I'm here to tell you _why_. I'm hunting someone very important." A sudden idea occurred to Shepard and she blurted, "Mind meld with me. Do that bonding or whatever thing."

Liara blanched in shock, and her mouth popped open. "_What_?"

"Please, Liara. Do it. And look into the time where I was in a coma. Tell me what you see. There should be memories there, right?" she asked, her mind racing. "Even if I was drugged?"

"Yes." Liara frowned heavily, her thin eyebrow-like face markings drawing together. "Asari can view your memories even if you don't understand them or recall them fully. Our physiology helps make sense of them, similar to how I helped you with the Cipher. But Shepard, you hated doing that. You said it made you uncomfortable. Are you sure?"

"Positive," Shepard enthused, knowing that an asari mind meld was a chance for her to be closer to Miles, to the time he grew inside her, and also a way for Liara to understand. Morinth had been able to tell she'd had a child with Kaidan. There had to be some kind of memory there to read. Some marks left behind. Maybe there could be information on Cerberus buried in her memories. "I trust you, Liara. I want you to see what I can't. It'll explain everything. Why I so desperately need your help."

Liara nodded reluctantly, a confused look on her delicate face.

"Relax," she said.

Shepard watched Liara's face as she bowed her head. It reminded her of Morinth's forceful mind control and she involuntarily shuddered.

"I will not harm you, Shepard," Liara soothed, noticing her distress. "I will be gentle."

She opened her eyes and they were as black as the void. Shepard shut her eyes, and let her into her mind.

Liara gasped. As thoughts and feelings and memories rushed through her, Shepard knew that it had all gone _wrong._

* * *

_Pain. Pain. __**AGONY.**_

It ate her alive. It tore her heart out. It ripped off her legs - she was sure she'd lost a leg. Where had it gone? There used to be two. Pain was bursting her stomach open. Tubes were down her throat. Needles shoved into her veins. There were hands inside her. The lights were bright on her ruined eyes. Her skin peeled off, like one would flay an onion, revealing muscles and tendons and nerve endings.

_"Shepard… please," Kaidan begged, his lips on her neck, their skin sweaty. His face was the picture of pleasurable pain. _

_"You made me beg last time," she whispered back with a hitched breath. "My turn now. Not yet, LT."_

_She gripped his hips, holding him still and he hissed. She pressed her lips to his, bruising, hard and they opened beneath her, his tongue claiming her mouth._

The drugs weren't strong enough. They should have left her dead.

_SHE WANTED TO DIE._

_LET ME DIE. _

_LET ME DIE._

_LET ME __**GO.**_

LET.

GO.

She was half mad. She knew her brain was damaged. A woman was screeching and screaming so hard blood pooled in her mouth. Her teeth fell out and down her throat. She was flopping on the med slab as the black-haired woman held her down and her fragile bones crunched on the metal, shattered. She threw herself onto the slab again and again, knowing instinctively that if she bashed her head into it hard enough, that this life of pain would loosen its grip. She could return to nothing. Nothing below her waist would move.

_Kaidan kissed the hollow of her belly button and she laughed to the empty room. It tickled, she felt young and carefree and happy. He looked up at her, a sly smirk on his face._

_"No laughing. LT's orders."_

_"LTs don't give Commanders orders," she pouted back._

_"This LT does," he rasped, and continued his trail down._

_Shepard's smile slipped off her face, when he kissed somewhere that was definitely not her belly button. _

_"Kaidan… " she sighed._

_He raised his head, lips wet, eyes dark. "You're perfect, Shepard."_

The metal pins hadn't set properly yet. Her arm was a mess. When she broke her restraints she clawed at her face, at her belly, at her throat, red marks so deep the woman in the white uniform had to perform more skin grafts.

The drugs weren't quick enough or she'd been under-dosed. Wilson tried to kill her.

The pain.

_IT WAS RED. _

"KAIDAN!" someone screamed. A monster, a zombie. The abomination gurgled; blood in its throat, skin raw and red.

"KAIDAN! KAI-DAAAN," the syllables seem to go on for an age, petering out into one long wail.

"Someone shut her up! She shouldn't be able to speak. What the hell is she saying? Half the damage to her brain hasn't been repaired. Sounds like there's some major damage to the amygdala still. Recent scans, Miranda?"

"Lots of black spots. I shall work on some neural therapy over the next few days. I'm going to start some more tissue repair and debriding. Myelin production is still low, likely why she's completely out of it. Up the drugs or we'll have to paralyze her whole body temporarily to save her suffering."

"'Suffering'? 'Up the drugs'? She practically bleeds morphine instead of blood. She's going to wake up an addict. She's insane. It's unsettling. I don't like this, Miranda. It feels wrong."

"Shut up, Wilson. Everything will be fine with the next neuroregeneration procedure. Soon she'll have almost complete body integrity back and we'll work on her brain damage. In the next few weeks it should be safe enough to resume the pregnancy with a lower risk of miscarriage. I think though, that the brain should be more functional. We don't know if her body will abort the fetus if it's too distressed. I would say it's likely. I want the Illusive Man to delay for at least two more months. Just until I'm satisfied with her progress."

The monster of pain knew nothing except for _his_ name.

Nothing except for hot oil searing on her skin, a crowbar crunching into her cheek, a dislocated jaw. Acid on her skin. She was the acid. She was on fire. She _was_ the fire.

She lay down and stared into the darkness and the darkness stared back.

_Oh god, please make it stop please please please please pleasepleasepleaseplease_

She knew nothing except for burning and the utter misery of the existence she led.

She was an animal.

She wanted to die.

She wanted to be **_let gone. _**

**_Let go, let go, let me go, stop._**

_"We should stop, Shepard. We've only been back a day. We said we were gonna stop."_

_She pulled down the zipper on his pants. "Tell me to stop, then. I know I should. But I don't wanna."_

_He gulped for air. Her breath was warm on his length, and he was already hard for her. _

_"Don't stop," he rasped, and Shepard took him in her mouth._

_They'd have to be quick. She'd shoved him into her cabin, ostensibly to do some inventory. She hadn't been able to watch him for another moment and just pretend she didn't want to see him naked again. That she didn't miss his touch. That she didn't love him._

_Intai'sei was only a day left behind, but she already missed those best weeks of her life._

_When he left and she went to the bathroom, there were tiny spots of blood in her underwear. She didn't understand why, and just dismissed it as a light period. It stopped the next day and didn't come back. She didn't notice. She was in a conference call with the Council for four hours, trying to make them see the truth about the Reapers. _

The woman in white held her arms down and stuck something in her mouth to silence her mad screams. Drugs flowed through her veins. Consciousness fled. The monster rested again.

Eternities of emptiness later, there was a bright light. Her eyes weren't so ruined when she opened them, her skin not so raw. She was restrained by metal bars instead of leather straps. A heartbeat skipped on the monitors, and there was a quicker beat beside it.

Her stomach was tight and taut. There was a gentle swell.

The woman in white was there again. "Go to sleep, Shepard. You shouldn't be awake."

_"I miss you," Shepard whispered, and his palm came up to cup her cheek. She closed her eyes and leaned into it. "I don't know how to sleep anymore without you."_

_They were at her cabin door, speaking in hushed tones. She was barely dressed, rumpled after hours of trying to sleep alone. He'd shown up at her door, the same exhaustion in his eyes. _

_"Shepard… I-" He broke off. She could smell his aftershave. He had dark stubble on his jaw. He shouldn't be there with her. _

_Conduct unbecoming of an officer and a gentleman. _

_They had sex in the showers the day before. It was on impulse and stupid. Joker had almost caught them, when the door wasn't locked and he had burst in. Kaidan had had to lift her above the bottom gap of the stall's door so Joker couldn't see her feet as he climbed into the shower. Kaidan had carried on a full conversation with him, from the next shower over, while still buried inside her._

_Shepard had to shove a hand in her mouth to remain silent when he began moving again, unable to wait for Joker to finish his shower. She had never been more impressed when Kaidan's voice had only shown a little bit of breathlessness. _

_Joker hadn't suspected anything, and it was the most dangerous and best sex of her life. _

_She was burning down her career, one kiss at a time. _

_The night at her cabin door, she added another log to the flames. _

_"I'm sorry. I shouldn't ask."_

_"But you do ask," he replied. "And I only ever want to give you what you want. I hate seeing you unhappy. I hate sleeping in that small pod without you. I miss seeing you in the mornings, and holding you at night. I think of you all the time. You're meant to be beside me. But it's wrong. We keep doing this and I never think about how wrong it is when I'm with you. You feel right."_

_"What should we do?"_

_"Let me bunk with you tonight, Shepard. Just until you fall asleep. And then I'll go."_

_She let him in. He didn't go. And his sleeper pod wasn't used much again. _

She wasn't such a monster now, but her brain didn't want to function. Words no longer made sense. She couldn't formulate meaning in her mind. She didn't understand what the woman said.

There was something deeply and fundamentally wrong with her brain function. She tried to swallow, but a machine beeped and her throat made no movement.

"It's alright. I'm taking care of you and Tommy. You're safe with me. I'm fixing you."

The woman with the piercing blue eyes touched the monster's arm and put the liquid back into her veins that let her escape into the void.

_"Oh please," Shepard sobbed. She was almost there. Oh god. She never wanted to stop feeling like this._

_"Say it to me." He was quiet, but demanding. Gentle, but with the right amount of pressure. Shepard was helpless. His thumb was on her, above where he entered her. He paused in his strokes, to kiss her lips, but she was too far gone to do anything but kiss him back sloppily. She was bathed in sweat. Every nerve ending sung. It was two a.m. She should be sleeping. _

_"Please."_

_"Say it and I'll let you go, Shepard."_

_"I love you." His thumb stroked again, and she lost it. Her heart stuttered. Her back arched. She drove against him, wanting something so deeply. Her peak encouraged his and she felt him shudder inside her, thrusting deep one last time and becoming still. He kissed her breasts, her face, her eyes. _

_"I love you," she said again. "Fuck, I love you."_

_"I love you too," he kissed her wet hair. "So much it hurts."_

_The void welcomed Shepard. _

The last time she awoke was to a gushing down her legs. When she opened her eyes, she could see properly, details and faces beside color.

"Kaidan…" a small broken voice said. It was weak. It was soulless. She didn't know anything. She didn't know why there was some kind of water soaking her thighs, why she couldn't move, where she was.

She needed help. She needed escape. She needed him.

Her head lolled to the side, and tears slipped from the corner of her eyes into her hair. She stared sightlessly as something gripped her stomach like a vise.

"Kaidan…" she said one last time, and then said nothing at all. She was dead behind her eyes again.

The woman in white panicked. "It's not full-term. He's not ready. Goddamn it, Wilson! How the fuck could you be so bloody stupid? If he dies, so will you," she snarled.

"Jesus fucking Christ, relax," Wilson responded. "He's just an experiment anyway. I made an overdose by mistake. The chart gave me the wrong drug measurement. The Illusive Man won't care. We'll still have a corpse to study."

"We don't want a fucking corpse! We want Tommy breathing and healthy. Help me save him."

"His name is _Changeling_. Calm down."

There was a new type of pain in Shepard now. A type of pain that was creation rather than destruction. Contractions rippled through her back and belly.

More drugs fed into her arms.

Time stretched. Hours counted in breaths and drifts from the void into a world of blood, sweat and tears.

Eventually, a baby started crying as he was ripped away from her. Death fed new life.

She didn't like the noise it made.

"Hey, baby," Miranda crooned. "Hello, sweetheart. I got you. You're OK. You're a tough little guy. Listen to those big boy lungs. Come here, Tommy. We'll get you some milk. I have a little bottle for you."

The monster on the table felt the cries trigger something in her. Her chest was wet and painful.

"Ugh, she's a mess," Wilson spat. "You still think this was the right thing to do?"

"Give her the I.V. It should start to dry her out. She'll be fine in a few weeks when hormone production slows down. She doesn't know she had a baby. Her body will forget. It's fine, Wilson. We're doing her a favor."

The woman in white hovered above her with a blue bundle in her arms, and then moved off with orders to the man to clean Shepard up.

The monster was left bereft and empty, drugs her salvation and entry into oblivion.

There was a tiny pinprick of light, surrounded by the dark.

Illium burst back into her vision.

* * *

Liara stumbled away from Shepard and fell onto the ground, panting with tears streaming down her face.

Shepard fell flat on the floor, overwhelmed. Her chin smacked into the carpet and she bit her tongue. She could feel wetness on her cheeks. Her cheek lay on the carpet and her hands fisted in it, trying to gather herself to no avail.

It was too much. She saw everything. She saw too much. She knew too much. Moments she had forgotten.

Everything had moved too fast, exploding across her neurons like starfire. She could feel Kaidan's hands on her. She could feel what death was like. She could feel Miles.

Liara clutched her chest, breathing raggedly. "By the goddess! That- That wasn't supposed to happen. I saw everything. Your mind had fragmented memories, confused by trauma, your death and drugs. I could barely find the threads. So many drugs. It was a wonder they didn't kill you sending you into such deep comas. Goddess, help me…"

Shepard saw that Liara could barely gather herself; her arm crossed tightly over her breasts, and realized with the utmost embarrassment that she had probably seen those private moments with Kaidan.

It was confirmed by the way a blush stole over Liara's face and she avoided Shepard's eyes. Her pupils were blown wide, almost covering the blue.

Shepard wanted to curl up into a ball and never look at her again. Liara was probably still a virgin. Shepard felt vaguely dirty despite having a normal sex life, aside from the reg breaking. Maybe she didn't even like human men, let alone want to know what it felt like to be with Kaidan. He had been Liara's friend. Poor Liara, she hadn't meant for her to see that.

Shepard groaned into the carpet. Mind melding was _such a bad idea. _

"The pain was indescribable, I had no idea." Liara put a hand to her forehead and exclaimed, "The child! That is what you wished to show me?"

"You saw him?" Shepard croaked, stumbling to her feet. Her whole body shook.

Mind melding was not meant to work like that. Liara had dug into moments no one was ever meant to know. Her mind had been too fragmented and damaged.

"I felt him," Liara gasped, and she held her stomach as if she was the one who had been pregnant. "I felt him as if I carried him. He moved beneath your skin. You felt him, even when your conscious mind didn't recall it. The pain of your reconstruction and childbirth was horrendous." Liara shuddered. There were still spots of color high in her cheeks and she still breathed as if she had run a mile. "Your body struggled with it. You were still so ill and they had drugged you inappropriately. You drifted in dreams and then into consciousness. You were in such pain, half mad from it. Your body shouldn't have been forced through that. No one should. I'm so sorry. Your mind kept begging to die."

Liara burst into tears.

Shepard was up and across the room in moments. She wrapped her arms around Liara, drawing her into a hug. It was partly for her benefit, an old instinct left over from the SR-1. Liara had been so sweet and kind, like the kid sister to everyone on the SR-1.

Now she was a ruthless information broker, wracked with guilt over Shepard's anger and her hand in her body's hijacking.

"Shh," she soothed. "It's OK. You saved me. I forgive you, Liara. Thank you, really. Miles is alive because of you."

"But I should not have done it! I am not the goddess of life and death. What happened to you was wrong. Kaidan would never have done that. He knew you better than that. You did not want what happened to you."

_And I would be rotting right now_, Shepard thought. She agreed. Kaidan wouldn't have done that. He would have buried her and grieved. She would still be dead. Things that were meant to happen, didn't, and things that shouldn't have happened, did. She couldn't change that. She could only roll with the punches.

Liara pulled away, her tears dried up. A cool expression was plastered onto her face, a brave attempt at normality.

"Miles, you have named him? It's lovely," Liara said, going to her desk to page through some files on her computer, already starting her search for Cerberus cells.

"That's right. Miles," Shepard replied, with a weak smile. "I need to find him. I need to save him. And I need the Illusive Man to not discover that we're going after him until he's safe in my arms and we're far away from Cerberus."

"I will help you until my dying breath," Liara vowed, already tapping away at her console, sending out information, scanning Cerberus activities. "I'm responsible for what happens to him. I'm the reason he is with Cerberus."

"No, you're not," Shepard refuted, shaking her head. "He's there because of Miranda and the Illusive Man. No one else. Don't blame yourself."

Liara leaned back in her chair, no longer typing. "I will need more information than what I can provide from this terminal. I have been hunting the Shadow Broker. I'm certain he has the information we need and I have the tools to take him down, with your help."

"The Shadow Broker?" Shepard asked, her heart turning to a block of ice. How the hell could they persuade the Shadow Broker to give them information? She was running low on creds without the Illusive Man's generous funding. The Shadow Broker was the one who had tried to steal her body for the Collectors. There was no way they could work with him.

Taking him down seemed like an even more daunting prospect. They didn't even know _who_ he or she was.

Liara's expression was almost scary, twisted with hate. "Even Cerberus can't hide all from him. I have some data that has allowed me to pursue him lately. I was going to hire some mercs to help me, but with you here, I'm sure we can handle it. No one can stop us if we work together."

"Fine," Shepard agreed, her time running out. Kaidan was coming. Earth was trying to drag her back home. She'd do anything to get Miles back before then. "Let's not waste time. I'll gather some people from the ship and meet you back here."

Liara shook her head, gathering her purse and heading to the door. "Meet me at my apartment in an hour. I have to go get dressed and ready. I need to be all I can be for this."

"We will be."

She paused at the threshold. "Shepard…there's something else I have to tell you. Something I saw."

Liara opened her mouth but EDI cut over Shepard's comm. "Shepard, Jacob Taylor has requested that Miranda Lawson be released from her confinement to aid you. She has apparently begged him, and wishes to speak to you. Should I grant her request? Jacob Taylor seems to believe she can be of help. He says she is sincere in her remorse."

"Fine," Shepard sighed and waved to Liara who left to get ready. "Put her on."

"Shepard, Miranda here. Please take me with you."

Shepard scoffed. "You must be kidding. No way."

"Please. I know Cerberus. I know how the Illusive Man works. I'm a Sentinel, I have the best synergy with your abilities," Miranda said, desperation and contrition in her voice making it higher than usual. "If nothing else I'm the best you have in a fight."

"Garrus does twice the job you do," Shepard threw back at her.

Miranda paused, seeming to gather her composure. "You know that's not true. Garrus isn't a biotic like me. I work best with you out of the whole crew. Please, let me help. I promise you can send me back to the ship if it doesn't work out, but you know I can be useful to you. I want to help Miles. Everything is my fault."

Shepard didn't reply but settled into Liara's vacated chair. She noticed with a jolt that on Liara's desk was a picture of her, dressed in the SR-1's blue uniform and laughing at something just out of sight.

Another picture sat beside it, an informal snap of the whole SR-1's crew. Kaidan's arm was around her shoulders, just slung there casually. Wrex had just slapped Garrus on the back and he was captured in the middle of spitting out his drink. Joker was doing bunny ears to Tali, seeming to know a picture was being taken.

Shepard remembered that evening. They had all drank together after a long mission of hunting down Cerberus to avenge Admiral Kahoku.

The whole ground crew, plus Joker, had decided to play cards and socialize. It was one of the best nights she'd spent on the SR-1. Joker had climbed into Tali's lap and she had laughed so hard her mask had fogged up. He hadn't shut up about her hips and then he had gotten up, sashayed around the room, swinging his hips with such exaggerated sass that Shepard had to tell him (through her gales of laughter) to sit his fool ass down in case he broke something.

Wrex had given Liara poker tips. Ash and Shepard had dirty danced around the room, and then eventually pulled Kaidan up to join them. He had been doing his utmost impression of a wallflower. Ash wouldn't stand for that.

Later Shepard had taken pity on him and pulled him into a quiet alcove. She'd been a little tipsy and far too happy, so when their chests bumped together and the music from the crew's party echoed to them, the darkness shielding them, she had pressed her lips to his and he had kissed her back. Joker's loud yell at Garrus had them pulling away and going back to the party with red faces.

She didn't even know Liara had taken a picture of them all gathered together. It was sweet. Shepard felt a lump rise in her throat.

There was another picture beside Liara's console of Benezia and a tiny little girl whose freckles gave her away as a toddler Liara.

Shepard frowned as Miranda breathed on the other end of the comm, her breaths harsh and a little nervous sounding.

Benezia had made a lot of mistakes. Her fatal one believing she could deal with Saren. But she had done it to protect her daughter, to try and protect the galaxy. She thought she could reason with him, never suspecting the indoctrination that awaited her.

Miranda and Shepard hadn't been much different. Both swayed by the Illusive Man's offers of protection, of the chance to help the ones they loved. All three women had been manipulated and lied to in the end. The Illusive Man was just as dangerous and clever as Saren.

They needed to unite against their common foe. The Illusive Man hated Miranda for her betrayal.

Miranda was only trying to do what she thought was right. Even Shepard could tell she clearly cared for 'Tommy' from early on in their dual reconstruction. In Shepard's fragmented memories, she had been kind. She had doted on him.

"Shepard, are you there? Please. I need to help."

"Fine," Shepard finally responded. "Disguise yourself. You're too noticeable."

"Already done," Miranda said crisply. "I'm always prepared.

"Of course you are," Shepard muttered and then spoke louder for the benefit of the comm. "Get Jack, Samara and Garrus and meet me at Liara's office."

"Thank you."

"I'm not doing it for you," Shepard snarled. "I'm doing it for him."

* * *

The three women and Garrus bundled into Liara's office to meet Shepard. Garrus and Jack had barely restrained rage on their faces, antsy and unsettled by Miranda's presence. Shepard didn't blame them. Every time she saw Miranda she wanted to throw up.

The woman in question looked like a completely different person. While Jack had covered all her tattoos with demure armor and wore a helmet to disguise her face, Miranda had dyed her hair an ash blonde and ditched her trademark Cerberus outfit. She now resembled a female Alliance officer, her uniform blue with white stripes. Her light hair was pulled back into a strict pony tail and the overall effect made her look strikingly different. Even Shepard would have walked by her on the street. She was still beautiful of course, but she had forgone makeup. She was almost unrecognizable.

Samara had removed her regal headband and Justicar armor. She wore old, scratched up human female armor, and Shepard saw that it was an older model of Ash's phoenix issue. She looked like any other asari, save for her striking eyes hidden beneath a hood.

Garrus had taken her advice. He had new armor, plain black to blend in as much as possible, yellow face paint instead of his customary blue, and Mordin had sprayed adhesive skin onto his scars to temporarily cover them.

The only way the Illusive Man would recognize the ragtag group was if he individually scanned every single second of security footage with face-recognition software. And even then, there was no reason for him to suspect Shepard's betrayal. Everything was going to plan so far.

Shepard stood and her team stepped into formation before her, even the normally taciturn Jack. Shepard pulled out her pistol and held it pointed at Miranda's head.

"Fuck yes," Jack crowed. "We're finally gonna execute her! About time, Girl Scout."

"No, Jack," Shepard barked. "This is a warning. The betrayal and lies end here, Miranda. I'm trusting you to help me one last time. There's no redemption for you. We'll never be friends again. But this is your chance to be able to sleep soundly. To be able to stand the person in the mirror. This is your chance to make up to Miles what you did to him." Shepard fought to keep her voice even. "For taking him before he even had a chance to lay skin-to-skin with me. For stealing his _goddam mother_ from him."

"I'll take this chance, Shepard," Miranda replied, eyes shining as she met the barrel of the gun unflinchingly. "I want nothing more than to put you two together. I'll do for you what you did for me and Oriana. I was wrong. No one's perfect and I'm very, very far from perfection. I realize that now."

"My Code holds you to this, Miranda Lawson," Samara said. "The Code would ordinarily dictate that I execute you right now for your duplicity and criminal activities, but Shepard, the victim in this scenario, judges that you have more use. Should you falter in your promise, I will end your life on the spot."

"I won't falter," Miranda replied, voice cold as ice.

"I'd like to take this moment to say that I am so fucking disappointed we aren't blowing her brains out," Jack cut in. "But let's get this show on the road. We have a little bastard to save."

She turned to Shepard. "Yeah, and also, you have the worst taste in daddy material. Next time try not to choose the Spectre sworn to hunt you down, 'kay?"

Shepard crossed her arms, and rolled her eyes. "There won't be a next time, and give me a fucking break. He wasn't a Spectre back then," she said through gritted teeth. "Are you done yet?"

Jack nodded. "Yeah, I think I'm good."

They all turned to leave, falling into step beside each other.

"Oh, one last thing. Garrus, your face looks like ass. At least the scars hid half your ugly mug."

"Jack, must you be so ornery?" Samara asked, and Shepard tried to keep her lips from twitching in a reluctant smile, hope blooming in her chest. Miles was one step closer. Her friends were beside her.

"Shut your face, grandma. This is my favorite kind of op. Kicking Cerberus' ass."

* * *

They arrived at a crime scene and to a missing Liara. Shepard's small hope died when she saw an asari Spectre there and watched with growing horror as she dismissed the gathered cops.

"Spectre Shepard, I recognized you immediately. Nothing escapes my notice on Illium. My, my, you are keeping a low profile, though," the asari called. "My newest colleague, Spectre Alenko, is searching for you. I'm Tela Vasir, Special Tactics and Reconnaissance." Her eyes flickered over Shepard and to her small group gathered behind her. If she tried to arrest Shepard, they would kill Vasir. She had to know she was outgunned.

"Here you are, fallen right into my lap. Perhaps I should hand you over to Alenko. Let him run back to the Council with his tail wagging like a good boy."

Shepard paced warily over. "Perhaps you should." She lifted her chin, meeting the asari's cold eyes and flared slightly, throwing her hood back for the moment. "Will you? I think we both know only one of us will walk away from the fight. And it wouldn't be you. I have a lot to fight for."

Vasir's eyes gleamed with respect and feral appreciation of Shepard's boldness. "No. Not my fight. I have no such orders from the Council yet and, forgive my bluntness, but I am not suicidal. I'm here to solve a murder attempt on Liara T'Soni. Only problem is, she's missing."


	38. Woman on Fire

Shepard drifted around Liara's apartment like a ghost, searching for clues indicating where her friend - her one chance to save her son - had gone. Vasir deduced that Liara had lingered in the apartment after a sniper had fired at her, shattering the living room window. The bullet had barely been stopped by her barrier.

Why would Liara stay after that? There had to be a reason.

Shepard's eyes cut to the shattered glass as it crunched under her boot.

_Thank god for kinetic barriers and Liara's new found paranoia._

She turned, intending to head upstairs to search, when her eyes landed on something she never wanted to see again.

Her death shroud. The armor she had died in.

Shepard froze.

Why would Liara keep that? Displayed like a trophy behind a glass cabinet?

She wanted to smash it. Her hand twitched, seconds away from throwing dark energy at the mocking, burnt torso piece.

A hand grabbed her arm just as she went to raise it and, to her surprise, she saw it was Jack.

"You don't wanna do that," Jack said quietly, eyes slanting to where Vasir toiled upstairs. "We're playing it cool for Vasir. Let's not make her jumpy. Smashing it into dust will make you feel better for a second. Maybe three if you cut your arm in the process. But I promise you, it won't last. When it's done, you'll regret it. And regret is a bitch to live with."

"What would you know?" Shepard whispered furiously. "I died in that thing! How dare she keep it?"

Jack frowned and released Shepard's arm as she jerked it away from her grip. "I know a lot of things. You're not the only one who's ever gone through some shit."

Shepard sighed, turning away from the armor, and tried to block out the visions it provoked from her mind. The last time she had put it on, it had been shoved at her by Kaidan as her ship and life burnt down around her. A desperate scramble for survival she wouldn't win. Its cut airline hissing around her face. Her hands scrabbling to try and stop her life draining away, knowing it was hopeless, twisting and flipping around, nauseous and chest burning as the stars swung wildly...

It was the reason she became that monster on the med slab, insane and screaming for a man that would never hear her.

"I'm sorry." She sighed, knowing her mouth had run away from her (again) and her single-minded focus had caused her to be snappy with Jack. "It's like...it's like being slapped in the face. I hate it. I hate the reminder. The last time I wore that I was-"

"We know. It's only a piece of metal now. It can't do anything to you. Right? Just like Pragia. Your Soldier Boy told me that. I'm sure you know it too. Your blue bitch just kept it because it was special to her, not to spite you. Just chill the fuck out, OK? Keep your eyes on the prize." She lowered her voice further and slapped Shepard on the back, Jack's version of a hug. "Think of your little bastard."

Shepard nodded and jogged upstairs, partly to escape Jack's knowing gaze, and partly because - if she knew Liara as well as she thought she did - she suspected Liara would hide a clue for her in her bedroom.

On the SR-1 Liara's little room in the back of the med bay had been her quiet, secret, safe place away from the bustle of the warship. Somewhere she could curl up after a mission when the world got too much, drink a warm mug of coffee and do research. It was how Liara felt safe, how she made herself feel better after events like her mother's death. Shepard would often arrive for a chat to find curios scattered around her room, little ornaments, books, samples she had picked up from alien worlds. She was like a fussy blue bowerbird, collecting precious heartfelt things for her nest.

Shepard found it rather homely and comforting.

There was a picture of the _Normandy_ SR-1 on her bedside table. Shepard was drawn to it, as if a moth to flame, the glow from the massive fish tank washing all the colors of the room into muted blues.

As her hand touched the glass, it flashed to a picture of a Prothean dig site, eerily similar to the one on Eden Prime.

"Huh. Guess she left some clues for you to find."

Vasir had come up behind Shepard unnoticed, and Shepard barely refrained from jumping.

"Guess so. We should look for any Prothean relics. I think that's why she left this."

"Give me that." Vasir snatched the picture frame out of her hands, but as soon as she did so, the picture returned to the _Normandy_ SR-1. "She keyed it to your DNA. I scanned for that, though. It's a simple bypass usually. How...?"

Shepard shrugged, knowing why she could touch it and have it respond, but unwilling to tell Vasir. Liara must have keyed it to the Beacon's knowledge, somehow reverse engineering it to respond like Prothean tech. The only people in the galaxy who could touch that picture and have it change; conversely the only people able to hunt down the clues in the apartment; were Liara and Shepard.

"You really are in deep, aren't you, Liara?" Shepard muttered under her breath. "All this..."

"Hmpf." Vasir threw the picture down on the bed, uncaring of where it landed. She turned to Shepard. "Well, get hunting if you want to find your friend. Time's ticking down on her life every moment we delay."

Shepard jogged back downstairs, swiftly waving her hand over every single Prothean related object she could find. Liara's affection for them was clear. They were numerous, her apartment almost a classy museum seemingly devoted to the Protheans and, to Shepard's unease, Shepard herself.

There was even a picture of Ilos on the wall. Shepard watched it for a moment.

"I made you feel human, huh?" she murmured under her breath, thinking of the night before Ilos. "I made you feel a lot more than that."

There was only one untouched artefact remaining. It was austere, all harsh lines and jagged edges, with a sickly green sheen. Shepard decided she wasn't a huge fan of Prothean architecture. It seemed to always do it's upmost to murder her, or scramble her brains.

A slot popped open as Shepard ghosted her hand over it, and a disk slid out.

The group gathered behind Shepard as she played the data disk at Liara's console, wishing she could get rid of Vasir and just handle it by herself, but Shepard knew she was on very dangerous ground. Vasir could call Kaidan in at any time.

And _that_ was something Shepard would do anything to avoid. She couldn't face him. Not yet.

Garrus' taloned hand brushed Shepard's palm, no accident she was sure, and she breathed deeply for a moment, trying to remember Jack's advice. She briefly clasped Garrus' hand in thanks.

_Calm my shit down, _she thought, trying to steady her pounding heart._ Miles needs me to be calm and in control. What would Kaidan do? He would button it down. He would put a mask on._

Shepard pretended she had slipped on an iron mask and her heart began beating normally.

The vid call played on the terminal in front of her, a conversation between Liara and an information contact by the name of Sekat, a salarian. Liara seemed to be inquiring after information that she had asked Sekat to obtain: the location of someone.

Shepard gathered it was the Shadow Broker.

The call ended.

"She went to meet him at Baria Frontiers in the Trade Centre?" Garrus said. "Why would Liara arrange to meet him there?"

"It's public. It's safe," Shepard responded. "She's afraid. I'm sure she didn't want to be alone in case whoever was hunting her tracked her down. It's what I would do."

"Who cares? Let's go," Vasir barked. "I'll drive."

"No," Shepard said. "We'll take separate skycars. No offense. I need a moment to speak to my team. We'll meet you there."

"Fine," Vasir said, already half out the door.

Shepard frowned. That was odd. Vasir was a Spectre, and Shepard a wanted criminal. Despite what she said about not having orders to capture Shepard yet and being focused on Liara's investigation, she should still be eager to not let Shepard out of her sight.

There was no guarantee, as far as Vasir knew, that Shepard wouldn't turn tail and flee. It was almost like...she didn't care; like she had her own agenda beyond the Council's wishes.

Shepard shook her head, not understanding whatever was going on behind the scenes with the asari Spectre, and signalled her team to leave the apartment behind.

She stole one last glance at her metal death shroud, then turned away from it forever.

* * *

The skycar ride across the city to the Dracon Trade Centre was quiet. Garrus driving, Shepard lost in thought, Miranda, Jack and Samara subdued in the backseat.

There was a beep in Shepard's ear and she pressed the comm to allow EDI's voice to transmit.

"What's up, EDI? We're a bit busy here. Liara's in deep."

"Shepard..."

Shepard sat straighter in her seat, alarmed by the hesitation and distress in EDI's voice. "Are you guys alright? Is it the Illusive Man? Oh god, is Miles...?"

"I have... I have a comm burst coming through from Spectre Staff Commander Alenko. I do not know whether to accept it or not. He is requesting to speak to you."

Beside Shepard, Garrus swore. "Reject it. He'll only just try and convince you to come in."

"I agree," Miranda piped up, leaning forward from the backseat. "It's only going to end in tears. He can't understand. Not yet. You can't be taken in. Don't let him try and convince you, Shepard."

"Shut up, both of you," Shepard barked. "EDI, patch him through to me."

"Shepard..." Garrus warned, but turned back to driving. Shepard glared at him, pissed off. This was _Kaidan_. She owed it to him to at least take his call.

As the comm beeped, connecting to Kaidan's signal burst light-years away, her mouth went dry, and her hands began shaking in her lap. This was it. The first time she was going to speak to him after the truth had been revealed. She hadn't seen or spoken to him since the breakup on the Citadel, and she didn't have a clue what to say to him.

She was afraid to speak to him, the one she loved above nearly all others, except for the echo of his face in miniature.

That was a lie. She wasn't afraid. She was _terrified. _

"Shepard," his voice came over the comm, pleading, and she was half afraid she would throw up onto the leather skycar seats. Her stomach roiled traitorously. "What are you doing? Please, come in. Damn it, EDI. I know you're blocking this. Let me connect."

"You are connected, Spectre Alenko," EDI said coolly. "Shepard's signal has been scrambled by me. Do not bother to try and trace it. You will not succeed."

"K-Kaidan," Shepard croaked. "It's me."

"Shepard, thank god. Are you alright? What's going on? Has the Illusive Man hurt you?"

"I'm OK. I'm not hurt."

_I'm not hurt. My heart is just bleeding. I'm not hurt. The Illusive Man is threatening to torture our son. I'm not hurt. I'm just a slave._

_I'm not hurt. _

_Liara and I just shared all those moments you and I spent together, skin to skin, when we made our son, when you loved me. I wish she had never seen it. I wish you had been there for his birth. I wish _I_ had been. I wish none of this had happened. _

_I want to snatch my time back. I'm not hurt, though. _

Shepard swallowed thickly, all too aware of their audience in the skycar. "How have you been? I guess my congratulations are in order over your recent promotion. I always knew you had it in you. You'll make a fine Spectre."

"_Congratulations_? How have _I _been?" he asked incredulously. "'_How have I been'? _How about how have _you_ been?"

Shepard winced. OK, she had made a totally poor choice of words. He sounded furious.

"What the hell are you doing? I was made a Spectre to hunt _you_ down, Shepard. That's not OK," he continued. "What has the Illusive Man done to you? You attacked soldiers. _Alliance_ soldiers. Has he put a control chip in your head? I'm on a warship, right now, with a whole operation devoted to hunting you down. You know how I am_? I'm fucking terrified for you_. So is Anderson. I've never seen him like that."

Shepard couldn't help flinching away from the anger in his voice. He rarely got angry with her, even after all the times she lost her temper with him, and she felt odd. Kaidan angry at her felt... Well, it made her feel shitty, if she was totally honest with herself.

He usually held her in such high esteem, with such respect she didn't deserve. He was always so patient, gentle and understanding. Maybe he really did hate her now.

"My mind is my own. That's all I can say. I have a mission. Please don't contact me. Please stop hunting me. I'll return to Earth when my mission is complete."

"You know I can't do that, Shepard. I have orders. And how do I know that you're not just being coerced into saying that? How do I know you're not lying to me? You wanted to join Cerberus, Shepard. Has the Illusive Man promoted you to his best agent, like you wanted? Is this some kind of grab for power? Are you under duress?"

Shepard rubbed a hand at her eye so hard stars burst behind her eyelids.

"Shepard, answer me."

What could she say? The Illusive Man said she had to work for him. As far as he was aware, Shepard _was_. The galaxy was supposed to think so. Kaidan was supposed to think so. The whole mission could be blown wide open if Kaidan let anyone else know that she was free from the Illusive Man's influence. The Illusive Man would find out. He had ears and eyes everywhere, even in the Alliance.

Nowhere was safe.

Miles' safety depended on her lies. At least until she had him and could protect him. She had to be his bulwark.

"... I-I work for the Illusive Man," she croaked out through clenched teeth, tears springing to her eyes. She fought to keep her voice even. "For now. He has special assignments for me. We're doing good work. I… I trust his vision for the future. I'm sorry about those soldiers, but it was necessary. Please leave us alone."

Shepard bit the inside of her cheek so hard, blood gushed into her mouth.

She heard the hurt in his voice when he said, "So that's it, huh? There's an 'us' now? The Alliance means nothing to you? _We_, no, _I _mean nothing to you? Dammit, Shepard. I'm trying to save you. Let me."

"Kaidan, you can't save me. Just... Just leave me alone. We're over. You made that clear on the Citadel, not to mention Horizon. I shouldn't have let you join after Hock's party. I don't want to marry you. I don't want you to follow me. I don't need your integrity. We made a mistake. We should never have happened."

She heard his intake of breath over the comm. Shepard bent her head, covering her eyes with her palm.

She always knew she would have to do the impossible in her duty. She accepted it as the price she paid for being saved. As exchange for her life. Without her duty, she would have died as a teen or become a prostitute or drug addict, bartering her soul, mind and especially her body for survival in Earth's urban underbelly.

Before _Normandy_, before Kaidan, she would blot out the hard facts with too much vodka, too much violence, too much anger.

Like Zaeed said, rage was a hell of an anaesthetic.

She'd done dirty things in her career. Shot men. Shot women. Tore them apart with her tidal forces, looked at wrecks of mangled flesh that had once been living beings and knew she was the reason they'd never draw another breath. Been splattered in blood and wondered _why_. Killed to protect, and she would kill again.

Shepard was no stranger to _hard_. To _impossible_. To wounding herself to get the _job done_.

She just never expected voicing the words she had to say to Kaidan would be so hard.

Her new duty to Miles was terrible and beautiful. It was pain. It was love. It was tearing down the world and watching it burn, just to hold him.

It made her long for the clear cut duty of an Alliance soldier. She never wanted this. She never asked for this. She had no choice.

Her autonomy had been taken away.

Wounding Kaidan was like plunging the knife into her own chest. But she picked up the knife and did it again and again. She wondered if the scars would ever disappear.

When his voice came back on over the comm, she heard muffled emotion in it, gravelly with hurt.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I understand. I'll try and remain professional and do my best to not make you uncomfortable."

He took a deep breath. Shepard wanted to claw her nails into her eyes to compete with the misery inside herself.

"The Council only sent me because Anderson pressured them into it. I'm the only Spectre in the galaxy that will not shoot you as soon as I get the chance. This is treason, talking to you." He exhaled over the comm, a long, sad, exhausted sound. "I'm trying to warn you. Trying to bring you in safe. This is my career on the line. Please, Shepard. _Please_. You have to come back to Earth. You have to come home. You know that you can't hide forever. The batarians are dangerous. Every major faction in the galaxy wants a piece of you. Do you understand? Earth is your one chance."

Shepard remained silent, too choked with tears to trust herself to speak. She pressed her hand to her mouth, trying to hold the sobs in.

He lowered his voice. "I know who you are. This isn't you." Kaidan hesitated and then, "Shep, sweet-" he started and then cut himself off from using her nickname. "I'm sorry - I mean _Commander_ - please. You know how this has to go down. Just meet me on Omega. Let your crew go. I won't handcuff you. I won't confine you to the brig. We'll go to Earth, together. I'll do everything in my power to shield you."

Shepard still said nothing, the only sound on the comm her harsh breathing.

"Don't ignore me, Shepard. You have to face this."

"I'm sorry, LT. One day you'll understand. This is something I have to do. This is my duty."

"Your duty is going to get you killed. And I won't let that happen to you again," he promised, and she knew he meant that down to his bones. "I'm sorry, I can't just put the time I spent with you aside as easily as you apparently can."

Alenkos were stubborn, pig-headed and loyal to a fault. For a moment, she indulged herself to imagine what Miles would be like as a teenager and almost laughed. If she ever got him back, she would be in for years of butting heads. He was the priority. She couldn't be swayed by Kaidan's pleas.

Shepards and Alenkos were like fire and water. She wondered how they ended up mixing. It seemed, so far, the results were explosive.

"If my death is the price demanded for his safety, I'll gladly pay it," she muttered.

"What is so important?" Kaidan asked, suspicion heavy in his voice. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Shepard, hang up on him. We're almost there," Miranda said from the backseat.

"Lawson?" Kaidan asked. "_She's_ still there?"

"Nice to hear from you too, Commander Alenko," Miranda spat. "If you're done emotionally blackmailing Shepard, could you kindly disconnect? We have important work to be doing. Without you."

Shepard knew from his sharp intake of breath that Miranda had finally pushed Kaidan too far.

"You know what, Miranda? Go screw yourself," he growled.

Miranda laughed; the sound a tinkly, brittle thing like fallen, shattered ice. "I would say the same. Only way you'd ever get any action now, you uptight Alliance fan boy. Or better yet, go fuck your mother. But _darling_, don't forget to wear a condom in your excitement to stick it in, lest we have any little accidents," she said sarcastically. "That would be one we couldn't fix."

"Holy fuck, this is the best!" Jack crowed from the backseat. "A real fight now. Shit, Cheerleader. Didn't think you had it in you. Damn, Alenko. She got you. I wish you two were in the same room. My money would be on Alenko."

Shepard shut her eyes, trying to find some internal equilibrium to deal with them. She dashed the tears from the corner of her eyes, attempting to find her voice.

"You bitch, Miranda," Kaidan spat back and, despite the situation, Shepard's eyebrows shot up her forehead. She glanced at Garrus and even his mandibles flapped open, surprised.

"Crap, Alenko," he muttered under his breath. "Way to shake off that officer and gentleman's reservation."

She had never, ever heard Kaidan speak to a woman like this.

She couldn't help feeling a little proud at his new-found fire, and flattered herself to think she'd rubbed off on him. She frowned. Although...maybe that was a bad thing.

Kaidan loved his mother and Shepard knew she was the one person you didn't make jabs at. Shepard wanted to turn around and strangle Miranda. How dare she use Shepard's accidental pregnancy as ammunition, especially with Kaidan unaware? She was being cruel, to both Shepard and Kaidan, but Shepard knew it was just her knee-jerk reaction whenever she and Kaidan were put together.

Shepard swallowed. 'Go fuck your mother' certainly cut to the heart of the matter.

Shepard felt a bit taken aback by the sheer venom between the two Sentinels, and she had her own suspicions as to why Miranda had such a hair-trigger temper around him. The way she spoke about Miles resembling Kaidan... It was almost like a reverence. Perhaps she felt things around Kaidan she didn't want to feel.

Shepard worried. Kaidan seemed uncharacteristically stressed and harsh. The Council and the Alliance had to be putting a lot of pressure on him.

"What lies have you been feeding, Shepard, huh?" he continued, fury laced through every word. His loathing for Cerberus seemed to have doubled since leaving Shepard. "What have you and your poisonous organization made her do? I should have arrested you when I had the chance. You stay the hell away from Shepard, Lawson. You get her into any more trouble and you'll have me to deal with."

"Silly man," Miranda cooed. Shepard spun, shooting her a warning look that went unheeded. Color was high in Miranda's pallid cheeks and her eyes gleamed, mildly unhinged with rage. "I wasn't the one who got her 'in trouble.'"

"Miranda, silence yourself," Samara said, glaring.

Jack leant forward, eyes wide and excited. "Alenko? Jack here. I vote you kill Miranda. She is totally a bitch. You are _so_ right. But hey, you're a jackass too."

"This is none of your business-" Kaidan started but was cut off by Miranda.

"You could have tried to arrest me. You would have failed. You don't have the guts. You cling to your precious morals like a lifejacket, but can't see they're the very things pulling you down. One of these days you'll see that's not how the galaxy works, only when everything you love turns to ashes. You drove Shepard away with your love of the Alliance and rules, and now you hunt her. It's your own damn fault you'll never meet your-"

Shepard hissed, sharply taking in a breath. "Shut. Up. Miranda. You finish that sentence and I will shoot you."

Miranda didn't pause for breath, continuing to rant at Kaidan. "You're a short-sighted, arrogant-"

"Miranda!" Shepard interrupted, whipping around in the seat. "I cannot believe you're doing this again! Now, of all times. What is with you and him? Does the reminder of his face really bother you that much? You have no right to even speak to him after what you've done. You keep this up and you'll be back on the _Normandy_."

She turned back around when Miranda paled and settled into her seat, helped by a quelling look from Samara.

Bizarrely, Shepard felt like she'd just done the adult version of, '_So help me god, I'll turn this car around and go straight home' _with two feuding siblings.

Maybe she wouldn't be so bad at the mom gig.

"Kaidan, stop biting when she taunts you," Shepard snapped. "I'm not coming in. This is goodbye."

"You're just going to walk away again? That easy?" he asked, the anger draining from his voice. Now he just sounded exhausted.

Shepard bit her lip, twisting her hands in her lap. "I never said it would be easy," she mumbled. "Have you ever felt responsible for someone? That their pain was your pain? I said that to you on the Citadel. Do you remember?"

"Of course I remember."

"Then you'll understand. I have responsibilities, promises to keep. Let me do this. Let me go. Stall the Council. It can be our little secret. I have... I'm trying to get something. I want to show you. You'll... I dunno."

She exhaled explosively. "Something- no, _someone_ has tamed me. Just...give me some time. I need to figure this out."

There was a long pause. She dared to hope that she had convinced him to back off.

Then his voice came over the comm and he wasn't Kaidan anymore. He was Spectre Alenko.

"You're out of time. No more secrets. No more sneaking around. This isn't the SR-1 and I won't crawl back into your cabin. I have to mourn that and move on. Like you said, it's over."

Shepard swallowed and stared sightlessly out of the window, knowing for sure that her heart had broken. She wondered how she kept breathing. Surely when your heart was damaged, your body failed?

She was no quitter, she told herself. Shepard didn't need his love. She didn't.

"You always twist things, you always have me on your side somehow, and I'm never quite sure how I get there. The whole time I was on the SR-2 we would kiss, you would bare yourself to me, and I knew every minute that it felt wrong.

"I knew that I was suppressing who I was for you, to make you happy, to make myself happy, and to keep you with me. Cerberus was everywhere, infecting our very touch, but you wouldn't listen. _I _wouldn't listen. I did the wrong thing, Shepard, and I'm so sorry. I was just so...relieved to have you alive, to have you back. I couldn't bear to lose your again. Now I wonder if you... If you were just using me."

"Kaidan, don't start," she whispered, her face heating at Garrus' slanted gaze. There was silence from the backseat. Kaidan didn't realize his audience was so large. "Please..."

He barrelled on, sounding torn. "You silenced my conscious with sex and your sweet smiles, and I was a fool to let you. We shouldn't have broken regs. Look at what's happened to you. I _helped_ you fall this far. Not this time. I'm not holding back anymore, Lieutenant Commander Shepard." He sounded cool, calm, and professional. "I'm going to do everything in my power to save you from yourself. You can't use my feelings for you against me this time.

"Fall into line, marine," he finished, and she thought for the first time that he was cold, cold man.

She deserved it.

Shepard felt like bursting into tears, stung. But she knew it was all true. Every time he had brought up Cerberus she would inevitably distract him, take him to her bed, make a joke, move the conversation along. She did it so easily, she never even noticed half the time.

No wonder they had self-destructed so spectacularly.

It seemed fire and water only made choking, cloying steam that clouded good judgement and concealed the truth.

Shepard nodded to herself, understanding there would be no quarter given on his behalf. He wasn't stopping. "I'm not one of your unruly soldiers to pull into line, don't you dare try to chide me, Commander," Shepard said. "I won't fail my mission. The Alliance needs to back off."

"Shepard-"

Shepard thumbed the comm's disconnect button. "Don't 'Shepard' me. Good luck hunting, Staff Commander Alenko. You'll need it. You know who and what I am. You're aware, _sir_," she spat the honorific at him, "that my biotics are superior to yours now. I won't come quietly if you try to take me before I'm ready. I'll explain later, when…when things calm down, but with all due respect: don't stand in my way. I don't want to hurt you."

"_Shepard_, this is an _order_ from a superior officer: come in or-"

Shepard disconnected the comm, cutting off whatever he was about to say. Garrus threw her a worried look, so she turned her gaze out of the window and to the looming Dracon Trade Centre building.

* * *

The group piled out of the skycar, into the parking lot of the trade centre. They were suspiciously quiet, but Shepard was thankful. She was embarrassed enough over what they had heard.

It seemed to happen in moments for Shepard.

Vasir pulled up, they began walking to the building, then the world exploded in fire and noise and force.

Shepard was thrown onto her back, left blinking at the harsh orange sunset, now a-bloom with flames. Sirens wailed; startled office workers and visitors streamed from the building, hurt and screaming.

Her back gave a painful twinge, but she pulled herself to her feet, ears ringing and helped the rest of her team to their feet.

Someone had set off a bomb in the trade centre.

"No, no, no," she whispered under her breath. "No, Liara!"

"They just took out three floors to make sure she's dead," cried Vasir. "I'll take the transport to the top and seal it off. You go in the front!"

Shepard ran, urging her group inside, taking the stairs three at a time, heedless of the flames that bit at her skin. She had to find Liara. She had to know for sure, if all hope was gone. If she had lost another friend who was like a younger sister to her.

The building was a mess, dead bodies everywhere.

"Shit. This is a disaster," Shepard muttered to herself, urging her team on.

Garrus paused by a dead asari. "Shepard, look. This one has bullet wounds. Military grade."

"Military grade?"

Vasir cut in over the comm. "Guess this wasn't just an explosion. Your little friend has made a lot of powerful enemies in her hunt for the Shadow Broker."

"Yeah, well, they've made an enemy of me now, and trust me, I'm worse," Shepard said darkly.

The group moved on, scaling rubble and broken desks. Eventually they came to the Baria Frontiers office.

Shepard shared a meaningful look with Miranda and gestured towards the log-in datapad. Miranda nodded, understanding explicitly that Shepard wanted her to read it for her, saving them valuable time and any embarrassment on Shepard's behalf trying to stumble through the words.

"It says Liara only signed in minutes ago," Miranda said.

"Good, let's go."

Shepard turned the corner, glad to be so close to Liara, when there was a tinkling sound and a shock grenade rolled to nudge her boot.

Shepard didn't think. She just acted. She flicked her fingers and a barrier sprung up around her body, a solid wall against the grenade as it exploded.

The concussive force echoed around the room, bouncing off their collective biotic barriers.

Agile as a cat, she rolled to the side, in the same movement drawing her pistol.

"Cover up, people! Vasir, we've got hostiles," she barked into her comm.

"Say hello to the Shadow Broker's private army, Commander!" Vasir responded, and Shepard couldn't help but think she sounded remarkably unconcerned.

"Fucking hell. How well equipped is this guy!?" Shepard moaned as another grenade whizzed by her head, batted away at the last moment by one of Samara's biotic missiles.

"It would seem he or she is very rich and knowledgeable, in other words - very well equipped," Samara reposed serenely, and Shepard rolled her eyes.

"Thank you, Samara, but I was being sarcastic," Shepard puffed as she spun and whipped a biotic lash around a merc's legs, pulling him off his feet, then dodged out of the way of more gunfire. She ducked behind a wall Garrus was braced against. He raised his rifle and let off suppressing fire for her to catch her breath.

"I know," Samara called to her. "Have you ever been told sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Shepard?"

"Then it's perfect for me." Shepard grinned. "Don't be such a spoil sport, or I'll have to start calling you Grandma like Jack does."

"You could try, Shepard. I would then proceed to confine you to your quarters until your behaviour improved. And there would be no dessert after dinner." Samara's lips twitched as she held a Shadow Broker agent down with one long, elegant leg, her heel in his throat, and smashed another into the wall with a wave of her hand.

Shepard snorted. "Did you just make a joke?"

"I may have."

Between the five of them, they rapidly cleared up the Shadow Broker's agents. They were well-trained and impeccably equipped, but with the four powerful biotic women (and Garrus' guns), they were no match.

They moved quickly through the offices, meeting scattered resistance and more paratroopers crashing through the windows. Shepard's need to find Liara drove her quicker and quicker until finally Miranda put a hand on her shoulder and pulled her back.

"Getting yourself a bullet in the brain will not help Miles. Calm down. We can do this. But we need to be careful and thorough."

Shepard shook her shoulder from her grip. "Noted."

Baria Frontiers' main office awaited them. There were two vast doors as an entrance that Garrus quickly started hacking through. Shepard bounced on the ball of her feet, eager and antsy.

A gunshot rent the air and Garrus threw open the doors. Shepard burst inside.

There was a dead salarian, no doubt Sekat, another Shadow Broker soldier, and Vasir standing over the two bodies.

Shepard swore and crossed to Sekat, checking his body for the data he had promised to give Liara.

"Damn it! It's not here."

"What a pity. If I was only a little quicker, I could have stopped them," Vasir said, not sounding sorry at all. "Did you find your friend's dead body?"

"You mean this body?"

Shepard spun.

Liara stood there in a white and blue armored lab-coat. There was a dark, furious look on her face as she held a pistol pointed at Vasir.

"Liara!" Shepard exclaimed. "I'm glad you're alright. This is Vasir. She's a Spectre. She's been helping me find you."

Liara shook her head. "This is the woman who tried to kill me."

Vasir smirked, backing away from the pointed pistol. "You've had a rough day, so I'll let that slide. Why don't you put the gun down?"

"I saw you! I doubled back after I left." Liara frowned. "I watched you break into my apartment."

Shepard backed away from Vasir, moving to stand by Liara, with Miranda, Samara, Jack and Garrus by her side. She pulled out her pistol and held it pointed at Vasir.

She was so damn sick of turncoat Spectres.

Shepard supposed now the Council had added _her_ to that list.

Saren Arterius, Tela Vasir, and Shepard. Quite the fallen trio.

Shepard saw it all now. "You needed me to find the message. I knew something was off about you."

Vasir's eyes danced with feral amusement, her face paint stretching with her grin. "Figured it out, did you, honey? Took you long enough. You're unique. I couldn't find where your friend had gone without you." Vasir's dark lips twisted with hate. "Thanks for the help."

"You don't care about capturing me for the Council, because you're not working for them anymore." Shepard couldn't help feeling a rush of anger at how she had been played. "You work for the Shadow Broker."

"She tried to kill me," Liara said, tightening her gripped on the pistol. All the while Vasir looked as calm as if she was out on a morning stroll. "She bombed the building. She killed Sekat for the data. I'm guessing she still has the disk on her."

"Good guess," Vasir said. "Not that you'll ever see what's on it..."

She flared.

"…You pureblood bitch!"

The window shattered as Vasir called upon her dark energy to send the shards of needle-sharp glass flying at Shepard's squad.

It was the most pathetic gesture Shepard had ever seen. Did she really think some glass would be able to stand in her way?

Almost casually Shepard raised her arm, constructing a biotic barrier around the group, and even then, Liara knelt, extending her hand and adding her own power to the dome. The glass shards turned to sand on impact.

Jack, Miranda and Samara didn't even bother raising their own arms to help. Liara's and Shepard's barrier alone was strong enough to stop a tank.

Shepard charged for Vasir, pleased to see the expression of alarm on her face. Vasir ran for the window, and as Shepard caught her around the waist, threw them both out of it.

Shepard groped for the edge, but felt her nails rent off under her armor as she ineffectually clawed for purchase. Vasir used her heavier body weight to pull Shepard.

They plummeted over the side.

Shepard flared, intent on stopping her descent, and their inertia slowed as her mass effect fields kicked in.

They had a short but furious struggle in mid air. Vasir punched Shepard in the mouth, drawing blood, and Shepard retaliated by head-butting her.

They fell in slow motion, a graceful twisting of bodies, an azure maelstrom of flaring biotics.

The wind sped through Shepard's hood, throwing it back and letting her hair stream behind her, undone from its braid. She felt like a small canary who'd been pounced on by a great blue bird of prey.

She didn't care.

Shepard felt no fear, no alarm. She had her inborn powers to protect her. Gravity held no secrets, no mystery. She didn't understand the physics, the math behind it like Kaidan did. It was a jumble of numbers and words and dry books. But this... _This_ was what she was made for. To be free. To fall and not care about the landing. It was her element. Kaidan couldn't trust in the eezo nodules inside him, but for most of her life they were the only things Shepard _could_ trust.

Vasir was fool, and a dead woman walking. She was just an obstacle in the way of Miles, and Shepard would _obliterate her._

Vasir screamed, furious, as blood streamed from her nose; flying around their bubble and staining their armor.

Shepard coated a fist in biotics and punched Vasir again, hissing in bloodthirsty satisfaction when she knocked three of her teeth out.

"You bitch," Vasir seethed, as Shepard ducked another blow aimed for her head. Shepard was clearly superior in hand-to-hand. She had to be. Biotics built up coordination, accuracy, and control. Shepard may not have been as physically strong as someone like Garrus or Kaidan, but she was precise, and knew where to hit to cause pain. Dancer's limbs had hidden strength, and Shepard was nothing but a dancer when she fought.

"You think you're something special. Humans and their _weak_ biotics. Think you compare to an asari? I'll show you what you really are, gutter trash."

Before Shepard could stop her, Vasir reached around the back of her neck and _yanked. _

"Just a machine," Vasir spat. "And machines can be broken."

Shepard felt shocks course through her body, her limbs go limp, a migraine race through her brain. She blinked in horror, dull and stupid, as Vasir triumphantly held something metal up and then threw it away into the evening air.

Shepard's biotic dome failed her, winking out of existence. The light went out of her world, leaving Shepard powerless and empty.

Vasir kicked her away from her own mass effect field. Shepard plummeted like a stone, hinting the ground with a bone-shattering jolt. She bit her tongue, blood filled her mouth, and a biting pain bloomed in her abdomen. She tasted the acrid bite of iron, blood running down her nose.

It seemed her whole core was jarred and the world tilted ominously.

She lay still, groaning, and tried desperately not to black out. Darkness seeped along the edges of her vision.

Vasir had ripped her amp out of her implant.

Convulsions wracked her muscles, improperly discharged dark energy flickering over her body like lightning. She curled into a ball, trying to lessen the pain and prayed to every god she never believed in that she didn't have a stroke or brain aneurism.

If she died, Miles was a Cerberus slave forever.

He'd grow up a little trained lapdog for the Illusive Man.

The Illusive Man's right hand, as his mother had never had been. All of Shepard's and Kaidan's best parts, working for the wrong side.

Maybe one day he'd happen along his father and shoot him in the head, never knowing who he was.

Just a Cerberus and Alliance soldier meeting on the battlefield.

_Fuck that, _Shepard thought desperately, willing herself to not succumb to the pain. She was all he had. She had to get up.

She watched, half-conscious of Vasir who landed softly and took off running.

"No..." she moaned, trying to struggle to her feet. Miles needed that data. She stood but toppled over again, smacking her chin into the concrete, and felt one of her back teeth loosen and splinter. She spat the ruined tooth and a wad of blood onto the ground.

Liara dived out of the window, Samara, Miranda and Jack just behind her. Even Garrus jumped too, aided by Samara's mass effect field.

"Shepard!" Liara gasped hurrying to her side, but Shepard waved her on.

"You fucking run after her! Kill that bitch. Don't let her out of your sight! We need that data."

Liara nodded and raced off after Vasir's retreating back. She wreathed her arms in biotics, and threw any Shadow Broker soldiers in her way aside like they were mere gnats.

"What are you waiting for?" Shepard barked to the others as they rushed to help her. "Forget me! I'm not the priority. Miles is the mission! Run, Garrus! Kill her, Jack!"

They nodded, Garrus looking torn, but obediently ran after Liara.

Miranda and Samara stayed behind to help Shepard.

Miranda was at her side in seconds. "Oh, Shepard," she breathed. "Why did you let her rip out your amp? You fell like a bird with broken wings. Samara had to hold Garrus back from jumping out after you. Without biotic aid, at that. He's so reckless."

"I couldn't help it, she was too quick," Shepard mumbled, sitting up awkwardly as Miranda began injecting her with temporary healing meds and stimulants.

"Find her amp. She needs it," Miranda said, turning to Samara.

Samara listened to Miranda's instructions, and started searching around for Shepard's removed amp in the building's courtyard. There was a biotic flash of light and Shepard knew Samara was looking, not with her eyes, but with her senses, using biotics to trace the amp's residual dark energy.

"I'm hurt pretty bad. My abdomen is killing me. I hit the ground damn hard and I think I'm bleeding. Fuck, where's my amp? I _need_ it!"

"Shh, shh, it's alright. I'll fix you," Miranda soothed, kneeling at her side, and manifesting her omni-tool. She smeared medi-gel where she could reach and some of the pain loosened its grip on Shepard. Miranda gently smoothed the sweaty hair off Shepard's feverish brow.

"You'll be fine. Nothing is broken. Just take a few deep breaths."

Shepard bit her lip as Miranda helped her climb to her feet, dusting her off. Time was ticking, so Shepard experimentally took a step, and was rewarded with only a small fire of pain in her stomach. Probably minor internal bleeding. Chakwas could fix it later. If she was wearing her regular armor, this probably wouldn't have hurt so bad, she thought, chagrined. Damn Kasumi's non-shock absorbing light armor.

"Thank god," she sighed, relieved when Samara procured her amp, miraculously undamaged, and jogged over to insert it back into the base of Shepard's skull. Not exactly hygienic, but she'd rather risk an infection than delay to clean it. "I thought I was gonna have a stroke."

She winced as she felt her eezo nodules flare to life again, shaking sparks off her hands.

"I haven't been de-amped like that before. She could have killed me in a second."

They started running, eager to catch up with Vasir and the others. Dead Shadow Broker agents littered the auditorium.

"Listen, if I do die," Shepard puffed, trying to speak and sprint at the same time. "I want you to make sure Kaidan has Miles-"

"You're not gonna die, don't be silly," Miranda protested. "You just got a bit knocked around. I see no signs of an aneurism."

"I don't mean now. I mean whenever. If I die...if I'm murdered or something, promise me you'll make him safe, somehow. I want him to go to his father."

"You're not going to die. Ever."

They vaulted a flower bed, catching a glimpse of biotics ahead. Must have been Jack, no doubt throwing an unfortunate soldier around.

"Dammit, Miranda! Everyone dies. Some die young. I don't wanna leave him behind, all alone. Just promise."

"You'd extract that promise from me, even knowing what I've done?" Miranda asked, flicking her blonde hair out of her face. Her voice sounded like a little girl's, small and tentative. "How can you trust me?"

"Yes, I would," Shepard said, pumping her legs harder, ignoring all her aches and pain. She spat more blood onto the ground and pushed past it. "I know you love him."

They paused to engage more Shadow Broker soldiers, taking a break behind a support strut to patch herself up some more.

Samara almost single-handily destroyed their opposition, so Shepard whispered quickly and quietly to Miranda. "You love him probably even more than I do. Aside from carrying and giving birth to him, I've never been in the same room as him. You think of him as your own son. I know you do. I saw it. You wanted 'Tommy' for your own. I know why you hate Kaidan. You have to have feelings before you have hate."

Miranda hastily injected her with some painkillers from her med pouch, along with a mild amphetamine. Shepard instantly felt better, her heart beating quicker and her aches dulling. She felt better suited to showing that bitch Vasir that _no one_ _ever_ got away with de-amping her. The thought of it made her shudder.

Shepard pulled out her pistol, ready to rejoin the fight. She met Miranda's eyes steadily, just before they ran again. "Who better to keep that promise than the one who hurt me the most, and the one with the most debt owed to me? You won't betray me again. You'll pay for it with your life."

Miranda nodded. "I promise."

"Good. Now let's go help Liara kill that bitch asari."

Liara, Garrus and Jack had Vasir pinned down when Shepard arrived.

Shepard ran, intent on holding Vasir down and choking the life out of her before she took back the data that would lead to the location of the Shadow Broker, and in turn, her son.

No one was going to stand in her way.

Vasir disappeared for a moment, hunkering down behind a skycar and, to Shepard's horror, somehow remotely controlled another skycar to come and pick her up. She ran for the edge, intent on jumping off and into her 'car.

Shepard gave a raw yell, charging ahead again. She couldn't escape. She couldn't. Shepard would not allow it.

Vasir made it to her 'car, zooming away.

Shepard swore fiercely, panting, eyes wild. She couldn't control the rush of rage that had her biotics flaring erratically. Her chest heaved and she made a strangled moaning noise, on the verge of losing it completely.

She'd never been so _fucking angry. _

Luckily Liara kept her composure.

"Get in, Shepard! She's not escaping us," Liara called, already bundling into another skycar.

"Miranda, Jack, get in!" Shepard barked, sprinting for the 'car. "Garrus, Samara, head back to the _Normandy_ and let them know what's going on. Be ready to go." She settled into the front seat, Liara firing up the skycar. "We're getting that data, and then we're going to tear the Shadow Broker down. His information is ours," she snarled.

"Be careful, Shepard," Garrus said with a worried flap of his mandibles. Shepard wondered just how wild she looked. "And don't worry; we'll be good to go."

"Good luck," Samara called.

They took off.


	39. The Subtle Art of Negotiation

Kaidan sat in the darkness of his cabin, running the numbers over and over again, trying to trace Shepard's movements. His eyes burned as his coffee pot steamed on his desk. It was late, most of his day-cycle crew were bunking down, the skeleton crew handling the function of his frigate, the Alliance SSV _Tobruk_. It was an older ship, far less advanced than the _Normandy_, but solid and fast. Kaidan took a strange sort of pride in his beat-up old warship, the first time he had held command of a ship. It was satisfying, and at times tough, but he felt gratified for the administration skills and experience he had racked up serving as Shepard's marine detail commander on the SR-1. Shepard was a stellar example of how to lead. He only hoped to be half as good as she was.

He sighed as he read the latest comm chatter decryptions. There had to be some kind of pattern to her behavior. Shepard could be erratic, but never with the lives of her crew. She wouldn't put them in danger purposely.

The techs had picked up comm chatter near Alchera. She had been there at some point in the last week, but then moved on to strike the Alliance facility for apparently useless data. Kaidan tapped his datapad with his stylus, humming in thought. Despite Shepard's actions, she wasn't stupid. She never did anything without at least justifying it to herself. She had an internal code of honor and logic that didn't always line up with anyone else's but steered her actions. Kaidan didn't always agree with it, but she always had _reasons. _She was a survivor, a realist, a…

Kaidan rubbed his hands over his eyes, blinking to clear the exhaustion away.

She was a _good_ person.

There had to be something in the data.

Alchera. It all related back to Alchera. The end of their beginning. She had to have gone there for a reason. Something _had_ to have been there.

The _Tobruk_ had coasted by earlier in the day, scanning for anything she could have found interesting, but the planet was dead, abandoned and mournful. Kaidan refrained from looking out the observation windows. He never wanted to see it again.

She'd found something there, over that snowy planet or perhaps on it. Something that changed her plans from surrendering to going rogue.

Something that had seeded desperation deep inside her.

Something that had pushed her to the edge.

Alchera.

What could have waited for her there?

He hated the name. He hated every stream of data he received. He hated having to think about that place again. Shepard felt the same, but maybe she had gone to say goodbye?

But why then? If she had wanted to say goodbye to the old crew and ship, she would have gone before entering the Omega 4 Relay. When Kaidan had been with her, she had expressed zero desire to visit there again. It was the opposite. She was just as afraid of Alchera as Kaidan was. He knew she had flashbacks to her death sometimes. Moments in the night she would wake gasping, clutching him for comfort. She had woken in tears more than once.

Why would she go to that cursed place? It would have been torture for her. Kaidan thought she had borderline PTSD over the Collector attack. Something had overpowered her fear of that place and driven her there.

He turned to a new tab on his datapad, reviewing the numbers, trying to thread the clues together. His mother always said that there was a pattern to the galaxy, threads joining each person, if only one had the courage to look with open eyes. He tried to see what Shepard was telling him, not with her words, but her actions.

Cosmic background radiation held imprints of Normandy's jump to FTL, and there was signals bounced off the comm buoys for extranet connections and communications. She hadn't been stealthed when she had left Alchera. She wanted her movements known to someone. It was almost like a show...a demonstration.

The raid on the Alliance outpost was messy and unrefined, now that Kaidan thought about it. It wasn't Shepard's MO. She may have winged missions before, and she may have fought dirty, but she was never sloppy with her work.

The fact that she went in initially with no back-up was enough to alarm Kaidan. That meant something was desperately wrong. Shepard worked best in teams, her skills too heavily skewed towards biotics to fight against varied enemies. She was lucky the Alliance soldiers had minimal shielding or she could have been killed.

After the raid, she had headed back into asari space. But the trail ended there. She had stealthed, hiding from someone.

Kaidan frowned. But who? The Alliance? The order to capture or kill her hadn't been issued by that time. She was already afraid before the Council or the Alliance had gotten wind of the raid. It was a close time period, but it appeared she had gone silent even before she knew she was being hunted.

There was another player. Who else could have put her under pressure? What was the duress in her voice on the comm? She hadn't sounded OK. If Kaidan didn't know any better, he would have said she was crying. But Jack and Lawson were there with her. Maybe Samara, too. She had sounded safe at the very least. Kaidan knew Samara was like a mother to her, powerful and wise. There was no way Samara would let her be hurt if it was in her influence to stop it.

Kaidan threw his stylus down, frustrated. Who was she afraid of, if not the Alliance or the Council? She seemed on friendly terms with Cerberus, who else was there?

Why asari space? Which planet? It was at least a two day journey. If she needed to refuel she would have headed to Omega. Far less risk of being caught.

She went into asari space for a reason. She was looking for something, had some kind of objective that she didn't want anyone else to know about. He just couldn't see it. Maybe Liara? Kaidan shook his head. She was never overly close to Liara. She loved her as she did all her crew, but she had never been comfortable with Liara's hero worship; her almost fixation. Illium didn't seem safe for Shepard, but then again, nowhere seemed safe for Shepard anymore.

She had confessed to him that Liara was the one who had recovered her body and given it to Cerberus. Kaidan doubted that he could even look Liara in the eyes without being consumed with rage. How dare she steal her body and not inform him? Two years passed and he never heard from Liara. He had been blindsided on Horizon and the whole time Liara had known Shepard was being resurrected.

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, exhausted. He let out a long, slow exhale, slumping in his seat and threw his datapad onto his workspace. He was supposed to be sleeping, but when he lay down worry gnawed at him. He had no idea what Shepard was doing.

His XO had the deck and the ship was running well. Not bad for his first command as a Spectre, but he took no pleasure in it. Shepard was in danger.

She had also killed any hope of them having a future together. Kaidan laughed bitterly into the darkness. All his grand plans about taking her to Earth and picking up the pieces of their lives was now in ashes. She didn't even want to see him again.

She called them a _mistake._

If he was completely honest with himself, he could scarcely remember being so hurt before. Even Rahna's rejection seemed to pale in comparison. He felt as if she had reached through the comm and ripped his heart out.

Rahna had been an immature love. It had been real for him, but sometimes he thought that maybe he loved the idea of Rahna, more than Rahna herself. She had been beautiful, classical in a way Shepard never reached, but emptier.

It had hurt when Rahna had looked at him with fear in her eyes, but it hurt worse knowing Shepard may fear him now, too. Her voice had shaken on the comm. What had they done to each other? How could they have fallen so far? What was she afraid of? She had to know he would never hurt her.

He stood roughly from his desk, rubbing his hands through his hair until it stood on end.

Dammit, he was doing all this to save her!

How could Shepard call two and a half years ago a mistake? That time had meant everything to him. It had obviously not meant as much to her. Kaidan slumped back into his seat, dejection suffusing his limbs with a bone-deep weariness.

He was a fool. A lovesick fool being taken for a ride. Used and thrown aside. Maybe it was just sex for her. Maybe that's all it ever was. The thrill of breaking regs. What was their time on the SR-2? Some kind of game to her? A proof to the Illusive Man that she could manipulate an Alliance soldier?

No one did manipulation quite like Shepard. She had a silver tongue when she really tried, when push came to shove. Even Saren had shot himself in the head under her influence. She dressed it up in kindness and sweet smiles, but she could talk hardened mercs around. She could turn a murderous baby krogan into a son figure, docile and loyal to the death. She had won over Zaeed; a venerated asari Justicar; a criminal biotic. To his everlasting shame, she had almost convinced Kaidan to join Cerberus. Tali and Garrus had followed her in a heartbeat, no convincing required.

Miranda Lawson, of all people, thought of her as a sister. Even Kaidan could see the enormity in that. The ice queen, already half in love with Shepard. Kaidan thought that, if it came down to the wire, Miranda would even choose Shepard over the Illusive Man.

Kaidan knew the most dangerous person on the SR-2 was Shepard herself. She didn't think it. She didn't know it. But it was true. She was magnetic and charismatic.

Samara, Thane, Garrus, Zaeed and Legion, for all their deadly skills, were no match for her. Her weapons weren't rifles or explosives but her empathy, the loyalty she inspired. The way she listened and had Kaidan falling in love in a way he never expected. Not to mention her biotic abilities, but even they paled in comparison. She had instincts, guts and determination. She had fire and would watch everything burn around her if it meant achieving her goals.

There was a reason the barely literate, angry street urchin made it to Commander. There was a reason she survived Akuze and was killed by the Collectors, only to come back for revenge. There was a reason the Reapers feared her, were so bent on killing her.

He still remembered, and always would, that day on the Citadel when Saren and Sovereign attacked. She had faced a sheer drop into the Wards from the Citadel elevator shaft and had still leaped out, the Citadel spread before her. He had looked into her eyes and been amazed that a woman such as herself had slept with him the night before. He had felt awe, and a tiny bit of fear for what they had begun.

There was a reason the Illusive Man coveted her. There was something inside her, perhaps etched into her DNA, or her very soul (if he believed in such a thing) that made her unique. She never gave up, even when she had all the reasons in the world to.

He doubted it was a conscious ability. She probably just used it as another survival mechanism; honed on the streets; by dodging a raging mother; learning to barter emotions and feelings. She protected herself out of second nature. She lied, cheated and stole without a second thought; could kill coldheartedly to protect someone she loved. Could manipulate and connive to protect herself and others.

Back when they were together, Kaidan had no doubt she would kill for him.

Everyone else was left helplessly drifting in the wake of Hurricane Shepard.

She was sometimes oblivious to the feelings of others, wounding without meaning to. Kaidan knew she had casual sex before the _Normandy_. She said that she never dated seriously, had hook-ups on shore leave, one night stands with soldiers or whoever caught her eye. She'd been a little ashamed. Not of the sex, but of the fact she couldn't remember some of their names or faces; that she had used alcohol as a crutch during intimacy. She'd used _them_, too, as they had used her. Shepard shrugged and said she'd been bored and wanting sex. There was no harm in using them.

Kaidan swallowed when she told him this, trickles of concern running down his spine. He knew then that her upbringing had been tough, and maybe she wasn't as unaffected by it as she pretended. He'd kissed her and internally vowed not to hurt her. Actual emotional intimacy in a relationship seemed like a new thing to her.

Kaidan hadn't minded and told her he didn't care. He didn't. All that mattered was that she had decided to be with him. He never worried. He knew that she wouldn't cheat on him when they were together. She was loyal to the death, even though she'd probably been more than tempted. Garrus adored her. He would crawl over hot coals for her. Thane looked at her with the fond eyes of one who sees someone to be admired from afar. There was no love on Zaeed's behalf but pure lust and maybe a little fond affection. Kaidan had watched them watching her, and said nothing. She wasn't a possession for him to get jealous over. Shepard made her own choices, could take care of herself, governed her own heart and she chose _Kaidan. _

It wasn't like he hadn't had his share of anonymous sex, mostly when he was younger, in his twenties. He just didn't want sex without feelings anymore. He wasn't a saint - the mental picture of another man touching Shepard made his blood boil. It was just a natural reaction. He was sure she had a similar reaction when she thought of him with another woman.

Garrus was half in love with her. Kaidan wasn't an idiot; he could see it in his eyes. Perhaps she had finally accepted his affections.

The thought of it turned the blood in his veins to ice and he knew, if she had decided to move on with Garrus, he only had himself to blame. He chose the Alliance over her.

He couldn't choose. Life without Shepard or life without the Alliance was unthinkable.

Kaidan sighed, familiar hurt lancing through him. The datapad in front of him with _Normandy _emission readouts was forgotten. His mind was firmly stuck on Shepard as it had seemed to be for the last three years. She consumed him. She burned him into ashes with a word or a thought, a glimpse of a pale shoulder, a gleam in her eyes that promised pleasure and pain.

He poured more coffee, resigning himself to another sleepless night filled with thoughts of her. His eyes landed on his bed, so similar to Shepard's old one. It had been their little den, safe, warm and small.

Reluctantly, a smile twitched the corner of his lips. His feet had always hung off Shepard's bed, but she had always told him to shut up and stop complaining; that he shouldn't have eaten his green vegies as a kid, like her, and grown so much. She poked him in the side, laughing at him.

It was a joke she made but he heard the hard truth in it. Malnutrition as a growing child made for a small adult. His smile died.

Sometimes, even kindness in bed was a surprise for her. When they made love and he showed interest in her feelings, Shepard acted like she didn't know what to do. The first time they had slept together, he could tell she hadn't had much sex sober. She was hesitant sometimes, too enthusiastic and rough the next. Gradually, they had discovered each other together.

She said no one had ever made her feel like he did. Shepard was a heady mix of inexperience, enthusiasm and naked wantonness. She had an amazing body. He fell for her so hard in those months before her death. The sex had been the best of his life. For the rest of his days Kaidan's memories would be burned, imprinted with Intai'sei and her cabin's rickety bed - all the things they had learned together.

To his surprise, the confusing moments they had stolen aboard the SR-2 were still just as good. She was still Shepard, not quite the same, but close enough. He'd buried any feeling that told him it wasn't right.

Her hips were rounder and wider, her skin marked in different ways, her chest fuller. Shamefully, he wished they hadn't changed her, hadn't tried to 'improve' her by making her look like some kind of underwear model, like Miranda with all her curves. She was perfect before Cerberus had dug their claws into her.

He didn't understand Cerberus' sick logic. Why couldn't she be kept the same as he remembered? Why did they have to mess with her body? It wasn't theirs, the sick bastards. He hated the reminder that someone had touched her, naked and vulnerable, in a coma or worse. She didn't deserve that.

It was selfish of him and he would never voice it to her. She was beautiful, even more so than two and half years ago. But he couldn't help feeling that Cerberus' and Miranda's quest for perfection had changed something he held sacred.

Kaidan groaned, gulping more coffee. It had the consistency of tar. Why, oh why had he allowed his thoughts to turn down this path? Now that he knew she was forever out of his reach it seemed like an exquisite torture. All he could think about was Shepard. His scantily clad commander.

He rubbed his eyes, trying to dislodge the images.

Never again would he press his lips to her skin, hear her breaths hitch as he joined with her, feel her full breasts pressed to his chest and kiss her soft lips.

He _wanted_ her. Her body, her heart, her mind. He was in his tiny cabin, light-years away, broken-hearted over her words, and he still wanted her.

She was a ghost, as she had been before Horizon. Smoke slipping through his fingers.

He'd never thought that _he_ was casual for her. He never believed he was just another soldier. They had _something._

Was it all a lie? He loved her so completely. Did infatuation blind him?

Kaidan stood from his desk, feeling as if he could crawl out of his skin. Roughly, he shucked his uniform and threw open his small bathroom door.

In every corner there seemed to be memories. He had taken Shepard pressed to the shower wall. There was the closet she had shoved him into when Garrus had come knocking, and the chair he had tripped over trying to frantically pull his pants off. The fall left a mark on his forehead for a week and Tali couldn't work out why Shepard burst into tears of laughter when she asked what happened to him. Oh, and look, the desk where he had set her down, spread her legs, knelt and...

He wanted a stiff whiskey. Or Shepard. Neither was available to him on the _Tobruk_, and it set his teeth on edge. His muscles ached with held back tension, and he felt a tightening in his belly as his memories teased him.

He turned on the shower as high as it could go and climbed in. The heat stung his skin raw. He rubbed his eyes again, feeling at his wit's end.

_Loved him._ Shepard didn't lie about love. Why would she say that if she didn't mean it?

Her skin had been so soft. Her body so warm and lithe, muscles bunching just beneath the skin, undulating under his hands. Her hands were so small, her fingers long and elegant. They had drifted over his skin, touching every part of him. He missed her so much. Kaidan groaned into the hot shower stream and took himself in hand, beginning to stroke, imagining her soft hands instead of his rough one. He was glad it wouldn't take long, shame coursing through him.

He hated himself for it. She never wanted to see him again. He was just torturing himself thinking of her like that. She was the enemy. She was Cerberus, the Illusive Man's right hand. Kaidan was an Alliance soldier, always would be.

Now, Kaidan couldn't trust the one thing he thought he knew for sure.

The Shepard on the comm was a stranger to him.

He closed his eyes and drifted to happier times. "Shepard…"

When he spent himself on the shower tiles, he thought maybe the wetness on his face wasn't just from the shower.

* * *

The QEC burst to life as Kaidan answered the beeping signal the next morning, dark circles under his eyes.

Tevos watched him shrewdly and he straightened his stance. He wasn't in the mood for political bullshit.

"Spectre Alenko."

He nodded. "Councillor. What can I do for you?"

"Any progress on Shepard?"

"No." He shook his head, calm despite his lack of immediate results. "As you're aware the _Normandy _is state of the art. We're working on tracking emissions when she de-cloaks for drive core discharges, but so far without much success. I know Shepard, though. She'll have to come up for air somewhere. She'll need to refuel, resupply. And I'll be there when she does. In the meantime, I'm thinking of visiting some of her contacts."

"Oh?"

Kaidan met the Councillor's gaze steadily. "Shepard... Shepard places a lot of trust in her friends, as they do her. She might have hid with them."

"The krogan? Urdnot Wrex?"

"Perhaps." He shifted in his bracing stance, knowing Wrex would have shielded Shepard in a heartbeat, but Kaidan suspected Shepard's goal lay outside Tuchanka's wastelands. "I'll look around. See what I can find." Kaidan thought of asari space, Shepard's last known destination. "There are a few avenues I want to pursue."

"Very well, Commander. You shall have all the funds you need. I wish to remind you though that any previous loyalties you have to her are null and void. You work for us now. And it is our wish that she be brought to justice. Either on Earth, or..."

"Or?" Kaidan pushed, raising his eyebrow.

"At _your_ hand."

Tevos' eyes were cold, her face set in marble. Kaidan didn't look away, letting the hate he felt for that suggestion show through his eyes. To her credit, she didn't flinch away.

"She'll be brought to Earth," Kaidan said shortly.

"I wish to remind you that Spectres must be prepared to get their hands dirty, Alenko. Shepard knew that. If you cannot get the job done, someone else will."

Kaidan thumbed the disconnect button.

"I won't shy from my duty. I'll get the job done, Councillor."

The transmission winked out.

* * *

Shepard rushed through the Azure hotel, having chased Vasir through the Illium skycar traffic and taken on a whole floor of Shadow Broker agents. She had a cut above one eye and a deep ache in her stomach, but aside from, that she felt only a pounding rage.

Miranda gave up on trying to hold her back. Shepard knew she had lost her tenuous self-control.

Blood spotted the ground in increasing quantities. Shepard saw Vasir ahead, limping and desperately trying to stem the flow.

Vasir had crashed her skycar into the hotel and, from the looks of her, been hurt badly. Shepard felt feral satisfaction at that fact. Fucking bitch. She'd hurt Shepard when she had ripped out her amp. She felt very little pity for Vasir.

There were people dining on the balcony Vasir had fled to. Shepard only noted them distantly, focused on her goal.

Her blood pounded in time with her heart, echoing in her ears like a beating drum.

It seemed to say, _Miles, Miles, Miles. _

"Stop, Vasir!" she barked. "Another step and I blow your brains out."

Shepard pointed her gun at the asari's back, knowing that if Vasir didn't stop she really would pull the trigger without hesitation. She had no time for pity. She had no time for bluffs.

Vasir spun and, before Shepard could stop her, grasped a young woman by the throat.

"Hey, hey, what's your name?" Vasir cooed to her hostage. "Come here."

Miranda gasped beside Shepard, and Jack swore. The two women levelled their guns beside Shepard. Liara remained silent and steady at Shepard's back. In some very far away rational part of Shepard's brain, she couldn't help but be impressed with Liara's new found reservation and ruthlessness. She wished she could be half as cold. It would make her life a lot easier.

Kaidan burst into her mind, but she squashed thoughts of him into the dark, secret compartments of her heart.

Shepard snarled as Vasir shook the hostage to get her speaking.

"I said, what's your name, sweetheart?" Vasir whispered dangerously.

"M-Mariana," the hostage gasped.

Vasir smiled, meeting Shepard's eyes as patrons screamed and fled the scene. Shepard had to hurry. Security was coming. She couldn't afford that.

"Mariana, you want to live, don't you? Tell these people you want to live."

"Please..." The young woman's eyes filled with terrified tears.

"All you had to do was walk away," Vair snarled at Shepard, pressing her pistol harder into the woman's temple. "Now it gets ugly."

"Please..." Mariana begged. Shepard felt some of her anger cool. She had to save her. "I have a son."

Shepard's shoulders twitched minutely, but she quickly firmed them.

"A son?" Vasir's eyes lit up. "I hope he gets to see you again. I've heard losing a parent is just _horrific _for children. Scars them for life." She grinned, blood trickling down her blue skin. "But you'd know all about that, wouldn't you, Shepard? The Shadow Broker sees all. We know what the three-headed dog guards so jealousy."

Shepard's blood ran cold. She wet her suddenly dry lips and asked calmly as she could manage, "What do you mean?"

Vasir laughed. "Little baby boy. So odd. You humans and your sexual dimorphism. If I had a male child, I personally wouldn't bother getting myself killed trying to save him. You are going to die, Shepard. The Broker cannot be defeated."

Shepard felt the world tilt a little. "You know?" she whispered, barely breathing.

Vasir's eyes gleamed at the distress on Shepard's face. "I've seen hacked security vids. I work for the Shadow Broker, you stupid bitch. I'm privy to information that would make your pretty little head spin. I know his_ location_."

Miranda hissed beside Shepard. "Security has been breached. I _told_ the Illusive Man not even Cerberus wasn't immune to leaks. It must have been Wilson. We suspected he was a Shadow Broker sleeper agent."

Shepard couldn't quite work out if she was grateful to Wilson or not. He was the reason they even had a chance of finding Miles' location, after all. On the other hand, he had overdosed a pregnant woman and tried to kill her almost full term baby. _Her_ baby. Without Miranda's interference, he probably would have succeeded.

If Miranda hadn't already shot him in the head back on Lazarus Station, Shepard would have done it herself.

"We were keeping that information for the right time," Vasir continued, digging her fingers into Mariana's neck. The young woman whimpered weakly.

"Never know when the child of two Spectres might come in handy for blackmail material. You know how it is, darling. You'd do the same." The asari Spectre shrugged nonchalantly. "I could destroy you and your pretty Spectre boyfriend's career in a heartbeat. Alliance has regulations on fraternization and, correct me if I'm wrong here, but his conception dates are mighty iffy. What were you, eight, ten weeks gone at the time of death? Tsk tsk, still serving together under a direct chain of command. Very naughty. Very compromising."

She smiled as Shepard shook with raw anger.

"Tell me, do you think your Spectre boyfriend would still have allowed you to go to your death if he had known? I think not. Alliance wouldn't look too kindly on that. How very messy."

Shepard's eyes burnt, her vision clouding red. She was going to get her answers, and then she was _going to fucking rip Vasir's head off._

"No one '_allows_' me anything," Shepard barked, hopelessly baited. "I do my duty! We understood that."

"Have to admit, though. It looks bad on the reports if it comes to light that you were fucking while leaving team members behind on Virmire." Vasir gave the hostage another vicious shake. Liara made a movement behind Shepard. "Ashley Williams, wasn't it? Did she know the exact reason she was being left behind? Do you think she cursed you in her last moments? Was her corpse even cold by the time he was sticking it in? Wasn't she your best friend? I heard she liked your boyfriend, too."

"You shut your fucking mouth about that!" Shepard snarled. "Don't you dare speak about her!"

Vasir laughed, delighted and deranged. Her eyes lolled in her head, blood loss making her unsteady. Her hand was still iron tight on Mariana's neck. Shepard knew that in Vasir's biotic grip, Mariana's neck could be snapped in one hundred different ways. Shepard knew at least twenty off the top of her head.

Vasir wouldn't stop taunting, pleased to rile Shepard up. "What would the Williams family say? What would dear daddy Anderson say? Tell me, was it good for you, sweetheart? Was it worth the pain? I fucked a human male once," she said, almost conversationally. "Messy creatures. Blows my mind that you could actually enjoy all that...mess and rutting."

"I'm going to murder you slowly," Shepard bit out, blood hot in her mouth, in her ears, in her veins.

_Miles, Miles, Miles_, her heart pounded.

"You _had _to go snooping around with your asari bitch and ruin everything."

"Tell me where he is. Now. I'll let you live."

Vasir smiled. "Nope. Don't think that I will. How awkward for you. Father of your son wants to kill or capture you. Does he know?"

"Vasir. Tell me. Now."

She smiled wider, pale teeth gleaming. Shepard was reminded forcibly of a great jungle cat. "_He doesn't_, does he? How wonderful. I wonder, will he care? Do you lay awake at night thinking of what happened to your boy? Ripped from your belly. He was dead, you know. I bet you wonder if you're truly alive. You can wonder for him, too, now. Little monster."

Vasir gave a tinkling, unhinged laugh. Her pistol pressed so hard into Mariana's head blood started trickling down the side of her face.

"What a perfect little family," Vasir said, watching the blood with sick satisfaction. "Daddy wants to shackle Mommy. Mommy worked for Baby's kidnappers. Baby was a dead little zombie, rotting with Mommy. How quaint. They should make a sitcom."

Shepard's heart pounded quicker, that deep ache in her stomach from her bad fall returning with force.

"Shepard," Miranda breathed from Shepard's side. "Please stay calm…"

Shepard couldn't stay calm. Vasir was begging for Shepard to murder her painfully.

"I wonder what torture he's been through? Do you wonder what kind of a mother wouldn't know about their own flesh and blood? Tell me, when you woke up, were your breasts still heavy? Did you ache to hold something and not know why?" Vasir's face flushed with pleasure. "Oh, this is too good. I haven't had so much fun in years."

"Stop!" Shepard yelled. "Stop! Just shut up. You're only digging your own grave."

"Do you wanna know? What they've done to him? I can tell you. Do you want your mind set at rest or would you like your deepest darkest fears confirmed? Do the sins of the father follow the son? What was it they called your pathetic human training camp?" She hummed in thought, mocking Shepard with exaggerated deliberation. "Jump Zero? Biotic Acclimation? Lemme tell you, Cerberus makes it look like Summer Camp."

"Shut your fucking mouth! He's not...he's not _him_!" Shepard exploded incoherently, starting forward to choke the life out of her. Miranda and Jack grabbed each of her arms and had to use their combined strength to hold Shepard back. She struggled, hissing with rage. Liara had to join in to help, Shepard's biotics flaring uncontrollably.

If they were putting Miles through the same training Kaidan had suffered -

She would kill them. She would kill them all painfully. If someone was abusing her boy. HER boy.

Shepard suddenly couldn't catch her breath. Her bad arm gave a massive throb, pain arching through it. If someone was hitting him…

That sweet little kid who never hurt anyone. That sweet bald kid with his smiles, and gummy mouth and wide guileless eyes…

He didn't deserve that. He deserved nothing but good things.

Shepard gave an inarticulate moan, allowing the three women to settle her. Her chest heaved as she fought in vain to stow her panic attack.

Vasir sighed, satisfied. "Enough games. You want Mariana's little boy to grow up without a mommy, Shepard? Like your poor thing? Thermal clips on the ground. Now."

Shepard threw her clips on the ground, meeting the hostage's eyes. She looked terrified, not just of Vasir but of _Shepard. _

Shepard tried to gentle her tone, but she still sounded furious and choked when she said, "It's OK, Mariana. You're going to be alright. You'll see your boy again."

Mariana's eyes skittered away, looking even more afraid.

Liara brushed Shepard's hand and in seconds she realized the plan.

Liara thrust her hand out, a biotic missile throwing Vasir's pistol away. In instants, Shepard wrapped a biotic lash around Mariana's legs and, uncaring of being gentle in her urgency, yanked her out of the way. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Jack steady Mariana and shove her behind some overturned tables.

Shepard didn't care. She charged for Vasir, the two women's biotic fields colliding. A massive dome of biotics bloomed over the balcony, and the air became alive with static electricity. Even single hair on Shepard's arms stood on end, her blood thrumming with power.

She was thrown back, having met her equal and opposite force, but quickly gathered herself.

Vasir screamed with rage and charged again, a blue blur, and Shepard knew then she was a highly trained Vanguard.

She stood, bracing her legs wide and rolled her shoulders.

_You can't knock me down._

Vanguards...so brash and unrefined. She could do this. Her rival in basic had been a Vanguard but, at the end of the day, their brutality couldn't match her control and finesse. He rival had ended up with a broken arm, flailing around the ceiling in Shepard's grip.

Vanguards spilt their focus too much between guns and biotics.

Shepard couldn't win a match of guns and ammo. She couldn't win with brute force or muscles. But she could damn well _dominate_ a biotic duel.

Vasir wasn't fucking de-amping her this time.

Shepard threw her arms wide just as Vasir tried to collide with her. The asari crashed into a solid wall of dark energy, stunning her.

Shepard yelled, gathering energy into her palm, and drove it into the asari's face, flat palmed and angled upwards, feeling her nose shatter beneath her palm. She had meant to drive the broken bones up into Vasir's brain, but hadn't used quite the right amount of force. She cursed herself. That particular skill had become shoddy.

Vasir screamed and grabbed for Shepard's neck, intending to snap it, but Shepard dashed her hand aside, almost breaking it.

Knowing close quarters was dangerous for Vasir, she gathered biotics around her and charged away.

Shepard wouldn't let her run. She thrust her hand out, spawning a Singularity where Vasir materialized in a blue flash. Vasir, of course, had her own biotic barriers that the Singularity couldn't sheer through, but it was enough to slow her as she struggled to pull herself from the sucking tidal forces.

Vasir was weakened and bleeding. Shepard knew that their roles from earlier had been swapped. Now _Shepard _was the bird of prey. And a mouse needed its neck snapped.

Shepard spawned another Singularity beside the other, pleased when Vasir screeched again, trying to pull away. Shepard knew exactly what it felt like to be in the middle of her black holes. She'd tried it one time with a low powered one. It had been fun, but once, another Adept she had served with shoved her into a real one for a joke.

Shepard hadn't found that very funny at all.

With the real deal, it felt like the forces of the universe were trying to tear your very molecules apart. It was like being sucked into a raging river, helpless and powerless against the forces of nature, struggling to keep your head above water, but having the liquid creep into your lungs anyway. It felt wrong. It felt like entropy, like inevitability.

Shepard made another, and another.

"Shepard! Stop! You have her," Liara cried, but Shepard didn't hear. Vasir's armor began to rip off, her shields completely failing her. Her feet lifted from the ground and she began spinning sickeningly, whirls of blood around her.

The balcony was a mess. Chairs and whole tables slid along the ground to join Vasir in Shepard's event horizon. The ground began cracking under Shepard's feet, dust streaming along the ground in waves.

Shepard had to brace her feet to stop herself from being pulled in, and even Liara, Jack and Miranda had to protect themselves with biotic domes. Mariana slid across the ground, not so lucky.

Shepard casually glanced away from the sick sight of Vasir twisting and twisting, and flicked a barrier over Mariana to stop her slide, almost unconcerned. Rage made her reckless. Rage made her cold. It wasn't Liara's brand of disconnect, but it got the job done.

She had to end it.

She thought of someone she shouldn't be thinking of again, raised her palm, and Reaved.

The Singularities detonated and Vasir's body slumped to the ground, her face slack, and Shepard knew she had won.

She knew by the pounding in her heart that said, _Miles, Miles, Miles. _

* * *

Liara sighed and stepped over to Vasir who panted weakly. Liara held up a small disc triumphantly and streamed it to her omni-tool. In seconds, it beeped and she looked up, blue fire in her eyes. "I have the data. Hagalaz. That's where the Broker is hiding. We can rescue Feron and get you your information, Shepard."

Miranda stepped up beside Shepard and placed a hand on her arm. "Are you OK? That was-"

"Piss off, Miranda," Shepard mumbled, and moved to kneel by Vasir's side as she struggled to sit upright against the balcony's railing. "You betrayed the Council. You're dirty. A traitor. Why? What did that poor woman do to you? What did that building full of innocent office workers do to you? Where. Is. My. Son?" she enunciated through bared and clenched teeth.

"I'm dead, and you'll never know. You want to judge me?" Vasir coughed, blood spurting onto her lips. "Look in the mirror. At least I never worked for Cerberus; the organization that kidnapped your son, while you merrily work with them and fucked your boyfriend. The Shadow Broker is less dirty then them, don't even pretend otherwise."

Shepard flinched away from the asari's dying eyes.

"They killed your unit on Akuze. They want to control you, and you let them. How can you even look at _yourself_ in the mirror? Don't you judge me." Vasir's face began losing all expression as she gasped, "You're a murderer. Just like me. Murderer. Liar. Don't you dare..."

Her head lolled, and Shepard knew she was dead.

Shepard took a deep breath and spat blood out of her mouth.

She stood and began walking away. "I know who I am," she whispered to herself. "And that isn't me."

"EDI!" she barked into her earpiece. "We need pickup. We're leaving for Hagalaz immediately. Tell Joker to hurry. I have a Shadow Broker to take down."

* * *

Kaidan docked at Illium and left his XO in charge of the _Tobruk. _

He didn't have concrete plans, just vague notions on checking in with Liara. She was an information broker, at the very least she should have heard something about Shepard, even if she didn't know where she was.

Her office was a crime zone. With his Spectre authority, he was able to get the duty officer in charge to tell him Liara had almost been murdered, and then been involved in some kind of scuffle on a hotel Azure's balcony a day before. Now she had disappeared from Illium.

Kaidan was gobsmacked. Sweet little Liara? What was she mixed up in?

He could barely retain his composure when they informed him that Tela Vasir, his fellow Spectre, had been killed in the ensuing fight.

What the hell was Liara doing? Had _all_ the women in his life gone absolutely insane? He had half a mind to ring his mother up and inquire if she had decided to start up a mercenary ring.

Unable to help himself, he asked the officer for more information. It seemed he had to find Liara too. The _Normandy_ crew took care of each other, no matter how far apart they were, old grudges, or the passing of time. Shepard would want Kaidan to make sure Liara was alright.

He also had selfish motivations. Liara could have a clue to Shepard buried somewhere in her information files.

He was pointed to a small apartment in the middle class area of Illium. It was a neat abode, with plants crammed into window boxes and well cared for. Rare in modern urban areas.

The woman who answered the door was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf.

Kaidan put on the best charming smile he could manage and internally cursed himself. He should have changed out of his black Spectre armor and into something less menacing. She looked terrified.

"Hi, Mariana Hopkins?" he asked gently.

She nodded, not fully opening the door.

"My name's Kaidan Alenko. I'm with Special Tactics and Reconnaissance."

She almost slammed the door shut in his face. He was seriously concerned she was going to burst into tears at any second.

"Wait! It's OK. I'm not here to hurt you. I just want to talk. I'm on Council business. Please."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Alenko, but the last Spectre I saw almost shot me! You'll forgive me if I don't trust you."

"I know you've had a hard time lately, but I just want to do my best to ascertain what happened at Hotel Azure. I promise, if you feel uncomfortable at any point, I'll leave. But I need your help, ma'am."

He did his best to put on what Shepard called his 'puppy dog eyes' and, after a long, hard look, Mariana was apparently satisfied with what she saw. The door opened the whole way and she led him down the hallway into a living room.

A small child played on a mat in front of a modern fireplace. Kaidan thought he must have been two or so years old. He chewed on some kind of monkey soft-toy and, when Kaidan entered the room, he looked up; eyes bright and curious. He gave a gummy grin and Kaidan smiled back crookedly.

"Ma'am, would you prefer to wait until your husband came home?"

"Husband? Pfft, just me. I've been trying not to have a nervous breakdown and take care of him at the same time," she said, gesturing to the boy. "All morning I've had cops in and out of the house. If you don't mind, Mr. Alenko, I'd like to get this over with as soon as possible."

"Of course, ma'am," he answered, and she settled into an armchair, indicating he should do the same. He perched awkwardly on the sofa across from her. "Can you tell me anything about what happened the day before, when you were attacked?"

Her face blanched and Kaidan saw the clear signs of PTSD on her face. Whatever she had experienced had obviously scarred her deeply. She gasped for breath, her chest beginning to heave and her eyes filling with tears.

Sometimes he forgot, with all the remarkable people in his life, that it wasn't normal to be shot at every day. That the things they went through were actually the stuff of nightmares for civilians.

"Alright, ma'am. We don't have to talk about it right away." He cast around for something to distract her and perhaps skew her focus onto less traumatic things.

The baby boy picked up his plate of cheese and crackers and threw them across the carpet.

Kaidan noticed Mariana watching him. "So, this is your little boy?" he asked. "He's...certainly lively."

"Yes," she said in a small voice. "His name is Seb. He's all I have."

The baby gave a loud squeal, babbling something that sounded like, "Momommom" to him.

"Very handsome little buddy," Kaidan said, hoping it would soothe her. "You must be proud."

"I-I am. The whole time I kept thinking of him. His...his dad ran out on us. I'm all he has in the world. I was so scared."

"I know. It's very scary. I still get scared when a gun is held on me, and I've been in the Alliance since I was twenty-two. It's a natural reaction. You shouldn't feel ashamed. You were very, very brave and you should feel proud."

She took a deep breath, visibly calming. "Thanks," she smiled at him weakly. Kaidan noticed she had vivid red and blue bruising on her neck, and winced in sympathy. "I just...every time I close my eyes I feel the gun pressed to my temple. See those two women fighting. They were wild. Like...like I don't know. There were biotics everywhere. It was like the world was on blue fire and they were gonna burn us down with them."

There was a pause and the baby filled it with more babbles, crawling over to smack Kaidan's boot with his monkey toy, seemingly offended with the strange man invading his territory.

"There were two women," Mariana said again, shuddering.

"Two? Two asari, right?"

"No. Two women fighting. One was human, the other one, the Spectre, was asari. There was another asari in a white lab coat and two other human women. But the ones who fought were the small human and the Spectre."

Kaidan hummed, surprised. A human woman? Killing a Spectre? He thought Liara had been alone, but obviously not. He wondered if the human woman was a merc or an assassin.

Killing a Spectre alone was no mean feat.

"Can you tell me more about them?" he asked, trying to ignore the baby climbing up onto the sofa and drooling on his expensive armor. It was kind of hard to hold an interrogation seriously with the drooling and the monkey toy being placed carefully into the shoulder-groove of his armor. But Mariana was smiling and some of the fear was leaving her face. Kaidan would suffer the indignity. Playfully, he wiggled the monkey toy in the baby's face and he shrieked with laughter.

"We're working on uncovering who was the third party in the Hotel Azure incident." Kaidan said, smiling to set her at ease. "We could use your help."

She seemed to have warmed up to him considerably. "Of course, Mr. Alenko. Or is it Spectre Alenko?"

"Whichever you prefer, ma'am. You can call me Kaidan if it helps," he said, as kind and gentle as he could manage.

Shepard always said that you caught more flies with honey rather than vinegar. '_Or was it catch more flies by squishing their bodies and capturing the ones who came to investigate their fallen brethren?'_ he thought with a small, muted smile. She was always making up ridiculous phrases that made him laugh.

Kaidan preferred to go with his version of the saying today.

"Thanks...Kaidan. My hands won't stop shaking."

"Can I make you a cup of tea? Maybe a glass of water? Do you have someone who can come stay with you and Seb?"

Mariana shook her head.

"I'll get you a glass of water."

Kaidan stood and gently disengaged the wandering baby, picking him up and handing him to Mariana. Then he moved awkwardly to the kitchen, feeling huge and weird in his armor in the quaint little house. Civilian life always felt weird after so long on duty. It seemed more and more these days that duty was becoming his life. He couldn't remember the last time he had been in an actual home. There were fingerprint paintings stuck to the refrigerator with 'Seb' written across them in large letters.

Kaidan grabbed a glass and looked away from the homely kitchen.

Mariana gulped her water gratefully and began falteringly. "The woman...she was angry. She was scary. The asari was...was awful. But the woman-"

"The human woman?" he asked again, intrigued.

"Yes. I thought at first she was just another hotel patron. But then I saw she had blood on her face. She looked hurt, like she'd been fighting."

"Can you tell me anything else about her? Any distinguishing features? Her age, clothing? Whatever you can recall is very helpful."

Mariana frowned. "She looked about twenty-something, maybe twenty-five? Small and slim, but not like a waif, you know those kinda staving model women?" she said with an arched, disapproving eyebrow.

Kaidan didn't really know but nodded along anyway. He frowned. What exactly did that mean?

"Yeah, not like that. She looked like my friend, Caron, after she goes jogging all summer. She had dark hair. Dark eyes. She was pale, though. She just looked normal, like anyone else. That was all. She was so quick. I've never seen anyone move like that. I thought Vasir was just gonna kill her but, the woman, she just held her ground. She had to be paramilitary or something. I dunno. Maybe a merc."

"What was she doing there?" Kaidan asked, puzzled. "Was she with Liara- I'm sorry, I mean the asari in the white lab coat?"

Mariana shook her head. "I don't know. She seemed to be chasing the Spectre. The asari in the lab coat looked to be following her orders." She hugged Seb tighter to her body, and Kaidan saw her pupils dilate, her fear returning. "Her biotics...they were scary. I don't think those people should be allowed to do that. We shouldn't let them walk around unaccounted for. I supported that bill to ban biotics and have a register back on Earth, you know. This wouldn't have happened if Mahoney had got his way. It's a crime against nature. They shouldn't be allowed to breed or anything like normal, good people. I mean, do they even think like we do? I'm not being racist or anything but I hear half of them are crazy, or criminals. It's just statistics."

Kaidan blinked and turned his face away, stung. He didn't know why he was surprised. Her attitude was common enough among the general human populace. He supposed that being coddled in the Alliance for his abilities, being praised for them, had softened him over the years to the prejudice that still permeated civilian life.

"I can't comment on that, ma'am," he said, making sure not to let any of his anger show in his voice. "Please stick to the facts."

"Oh-oh, right. Sorry," Mariana said, not looking very sorry at all. She sipped her water as the baby fell asleep on her chest.

It was always the people you least expected to be bigots, Kaidan marvelled. He wondered what she would have done if little Seb had been born biotically talented. Shipped off? Or would she have grown to accept her son?

Kaidan shook his head. It didn't matter. What happened happened. Biotics were still new. He couldn't expect everyone to welcome them. The Alliance only embraced them for their talent at killing in new and exciting ways.

"When you say she was biotically talented, how do you mean?" Kaidan said, moving the conversation along delicately. He wasn't touching biotic politics with a ten-foot pole. "Vasir was an asari Vanguard with a background in the Commandos. They're not easy to take down."

"The woman was better," Mariana said flatly, placing her glass on her side table. "She destroyed Vasir. She was angry. Very angry. They talked a lot before they started fighting. I was so scared, I didn't hear some of it, but it sounded like Vasir had something the woman wanted. I think it was a little boy."

Kaidan was completely thrown for a loop. Absolutely nothing made sense in this scenario.

"A boy? Why would Vasir have a kid?"

"I-I don't know. I didn't understand. I'm sorry, um, Kaidan. I was so scared. I was thrown out of the way as they fought. And then the woman made one of those black hole thingies, and I started sliding and the asari died. It was confusing."

Kaidan sighed. "That's alright, you're doing a great job." Her words hit him. "A black hole? You mean a Singularity?"

"I guess that's what they're called, technically. I mean, what the hell even was it? I thought they were supposed to be some kind of space thing. It was so strong. She made more than one."

"Ma'am, are you sure? That's a very advanced technique. That's not common among human biotics, and the ones that are capable of generating them are all in the Alliance. Are you sure it wasn't the asari in the white lab coat?"

She shook her head firmly. "Positive. I watched her make it over and over. She knew what she was doing."

Kaidan rocked back on his seat, shocked. An inkling of suspicion trickled down his spine.

"Did Vasir call the human woman by name? Did she know her?"

Mariana patted Seb on the back as he snuffled softly. She murmured, "The asari... I think, I think she said the woman's name was Shepard. But that couldn't be right, could it? She couldn't have been talking about Commander Shepard? The woman didn't look like her, not really. She didn't even have N7 armor and I'm positive Commander Shepard was much prettier. I've seen the recruitment vids."

Kaidan's heart stuttered in his chest. Shepard _had_ fled to Illium, and to Liara.

She had proceeded to murder a Council Spectre, and possibly corrupted Liara.

She really had gone rogue. She was murdering her way across the galaxy.

Kaidan did what he always did when it came to Shepard – clutched at straws and made excuses.

"She should have had a scar on her cheek; she got smashed in the face with a rifle only a few months ago," he said desperately, thinking of Hock's mansion and how, when the guard had hit her in the face, she had been scarred permanently, matching the bullet scar forever left on his thigh. "Was there a scar on her cheek? You said dark eyes. That can't be Shepard."

"I-I don't know. I'm sorry! Everything was so quick, I was confused. I don't know if there was a scar."

"Shit," he mumbled to himself as Mariana stood to put Seb down for his nap. He knew it had to be Shepard. Even without the scar... It wasn't noticeable, just a small crescent. Dark eyes? She could have done anything to obscure them, maybe even had them cosmetically altered.

She really was afraid of being noticed.

"Did they say where they were going? Anything at all?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry, Mr. Alenko."

"That's OK. Thank you very much for your time, ma'am. You've been very helpful." He nodded respectfully to her and turned to show himself out, disappointed he didn't have more, but elated he had found more than he had ever expected since setting course for Illium.

Just before he reached the door Mariana called, "They did mention a word, actually. I don't know what it is, but I think she said 'Hagalaz'."

Kaidan had his clue.


	40. Soft-Serve Sunset Red

"Staff Commander Alenko. I heard of your promotion to Spectre. Congratulations," Carlin sneered over the comm. Every word dripped insincerity.

Kaidan sighed. He didn't know why he ever accepted the comm burst six hours after leaving Illium with his priceless information. He had enough on his plate to deal with finding Shepard, let alone starting another professional pissing contest with some cowboy marine.

Reluctantly, he admitted to himself that no matter how badly he wanted to ignore Carlin, it wasn't a great time for aggravating superior officers…

"Thank you, sir. Can I help you with something?"

The QEC call fizzled as Carlin shifted in his stance, his mouth twisted in a bitter frown. "I noticed the _Tobruk _recently docked on Illium. Care to share why?"

"With respect, sir, it was part of my investigation and is a private Spectre matter," Kaidan deflected, praying to Ash's god that Carlin didn't investigate Mariana on Illium.

She was the one link to Shepard.

A better Spectre would have silenced her. By any means necessary, right?

But Kaidan wasn't that type of man. Not even for Shepard.

Carlin's eyes gleamed. "I understand, of course. Spectre business is no business of mine, Commander. Still... I am assigned to finding Commander Shepard."

His heart sank. "I thought the Alliance was satisfied with me handling it, sir?"

"Oh, they have every faith in you. Your record is impressive." Kaidan could tell Carlin was barely restrained from rolling his eyes. "No, I'm what you call extra insurance. A side op, if you will, if she takes you out. You must admit Shepard is dangerous, Alenko."

Kaidan crossed his arms. "No more dangerous than you or I, sir."

"You're an idealist. She's ruthless." He shook his head as if Kaidan was some poor naïve schoolboy with a crush on the playground bully. "Very well. Good luck in your search. Meanwhile, I will continue my own."

Kaidan saluted. In a show of disrespect, Carlin terminated the comm before the motion was even complete.

A thread of unease wormed its way down Kaidan's throat.

_Shepard, where are you? _

_You're playing with fire._

Kaidan spun and left the communication room. He had weapons checks to conduct and a plan formulated for how best to talk down Shepard.

He only hoped he could reach her in time before she slipped through his fingers again.

* * *

On the way to Hagalaz, Shepard drifted around her cabin, tweaking over and over the mission plan for taking on the Shadow Broker.

She knew no plan survived contact with the enemy, but it didn't hurt to prepare. She often ended up winging her missions, but just this once, she hoped it would all work out.

She spent hours fruitlessly checking her guns. They were already in perfect condition, but the nerves made her jumpy.

Finally bored, tired, and unable to shake off a vaguely unsettled feeling in her stomach over Vasir's death, she gave up on isolating herself in her cabin and padded down to Starboard Observation.

"Hello, Samara."

Samara turned from her seated position on the floor, luminous eyes blinking. "I am surprised. You are not with your friend Liara."

"No," Shepard said, shrugging as she settled down beside Samara in a cross-legged position. Holding her hands in front of her, a rotating orb of dark energy sprung to life. She stared at it, fascinated and slightly calmed by the technique Samara taught her. "She's in the mess, I think. Catching up with Garrus and Tali while we have a few hours. I didn't really want to join in."

Samara nodded regally, rekindling her own orb of light. "Why not? I would have thought that you wished to catch up on lost time."

"I just don't feel very chatty." Shepard shut her eyes, trying to ignore the permanent pall of anxiety, fear and rage that had fallen over her. Even _Jack_, of all people, had told her to calm down. "I wanted to sit in silence with you."

"Very well. I am happy to oblige."

* * *

Minutes, or perhaps long hours later, Samara breached the silence. Shepard knew what she was going to say long before her calm voice broke the atmosphere.

The air radiated with tension. Samara was not a person who backed down from a challenge.

"Miranda informed me of what happened with Vasir," Samara said. "She is...concerned for your mental health. She is aware you are under great strain in a very tumultuous period in your life. I no longer trust her as I once did, but I am convinced of her sincerity when she says she cares about what happens to you."

Shepard sighed and opened her eyes. The ball of light dissipated. "Miranda needs to stick her nose out of my life for once. Before I break it."

Samara inclined her head and then turned to face Shepard fully. "I am also concerned. Shall I also resist from prying?"

She shook her head, not wanting to blow off her dear friend and seem rude. "No... I'm just...angry. So damn angry." She ran her hand through her hair and scrubbed a fist at her eyes, trying to dislodge the tension there.

"And I know I should stop, but I'm not sure how. I mean, I have a kid now, right? But what do I even do with that information?" She shrugged again, gesturing to herself. Her eyes were hot and itchy, and she realized she felt highly uncomfortable.

It was like she was wearing her skin too tight; like she had skinned some other Shepard and wore her for a mask.

She couldn't breathe beneath the weight of her decisions. For the ones she had made in the past and all ones she would make in the future.

"Does it change who I am? Am I suddenly supposed to know all the answers? I feel like I'm frozen in time somehow. Or maybe time is just trickling by, and I can't control anything."

"No." Samara shook her head. "You will never know all the answers. You are in control, Shepard. You are doing the best you can."

"I'm tired," Shepard said, bowing her head. The floor of the _Normandy_ gleamed at her, so she tried to focus on the jagged reflections there; ignoring how she felt her life spinning away into directions she never planned for.

It wouldn't be so hard if she didn't have Miles, she thought shamefully. She could be in Alliance custody at that very moment, trying to build something with Kaidan rather than destroying it all. She could let someone handle things for a change. Could prepare properly for the Reapers. Work with Alliance Parliament to stop the inevitable invasion. Save the rest of the galaxy.

They're coming. She couldn't have all this personal bullshit getting in the way of her duty to the galaxy. But what of her duty to her family?

She didn't know what to do. How to feel. How to act. How to deal with the rage she felt.

_They should write a manual_, she thought bitterly. '_So You Have a Secret Love Child: What to Do Next' and 'How Not To Be a Raging Murderous Bitch In Ten Easy Steps.'_

"I know," Samara said, her voice gentle and quiet. She placed a hand on Shepard's shoulder, rubbing it briefly, and then sighed. "I heard that you mind melded with Liara. That it was not a pleasant experience. Is this contributing to your distress?"

"Yeah." Shepard lifted her head and rolled a shoulder, feeling an old injury twinge. "I guess so. I felt things I didn't want to feel. I had all these bad memories. This...this enormous pain. I saw Kaidan. It wasn't..."

She thought about the exact things Liara had accidentally showed her. What she and Kaidan had been doing.

"It wasn't exactly easy. It was intense. Really...hard to forget. _He's _hard to forget when, really, I need to let go. And when he called me in the skycar... I just kind of lost my composure - if I had any to begin with," she scoffed in an aside.

Samara gave her a measuring gaze. "Would it help if I cleared your mind? Showed you the good things?"

"I don't want to mind meld ever again," Shepard said vehemently.

Samara smiled, just a small quirk of her full lips. "Forgive me if I seem arrogant, but I am far older, more skilled and have much more control over the process than Liara. I will not allow it to hurt you."

Shepard remained silent for a moment, considering the offer. "Can you take away the bad things? The bad memories?"

"No. No one can do that," Samara said gently, and Shepard's heart sunk. "But I can give you a small measure of peace. It may not take away your anger, but it may show you that there is comfort in what has been and what is yet to come."

Shepard looked into her eyes, and saw nothing but kindness there. She scooted closer to allow Samara to place her hands on either side of her head.

"Please don't hurt me."

"I never will," Samara said, just before her eyes turned to the same black color as an Ardat-Yakshi, a Demon of the Night Winds.

* * *

Twin little asari girls run to their mother.

She bends to scold them. Their blue faces are covered in mud.

"Rila! Falere! What have you been up to? You are filthy."

They giggle in unison, glancing guilty at their mother. Thessia seems awash in reds and yellows, a late sunset. The perfume of flowers is heavy in the air.

"We were playing in the mud, Mommy."

Their mother laughs and kisses each child soundly on the cheek, uncaring of the mud she gets on her lips.

The sound of Samara's laughter echoes in Shepard's ears.

Somewhere, distantly, she feels the corner of her mouth turn up.

* * *

A small girl with a messy mop of brown hair is snuggled with a smaller boy with bright green eyes. Ragged sheets are scattered around them like a small nest.

From the lounge room, the ugly snores of a woman echo. It's safe for now. Quiet. The sheets are soft, their bellies full, and their bodies warm.

"And there was a bear on the chair," the little girl says, gesturing wildly with her hands. It's as if the two of them are reading a book, but only one she can see in her mind. "He's a very fat bear."

"Why is he fat?" the boy asks, gazing at her adoringly.

"Because he ate all the porridge." The girl giggles and leans over to tickle him. "Fat little bear, just like you, Milo!"

Happy tears stream down Shepard's face. Samara rubs a soft finger over her temple as she connects their minds.

"It is not always how things end. Sometimes how they begin is important, too. Time is not linear. This boy exists in your heart, alive and well as he once was."

* * *

She sits on a Presidium bench, watching the small waves on the lake dance with the light wind. She thinks it might be from the air recirculation vents nearby.

It's particularly sunny today. Perhaps they've dialed up the artificial lighting to give all the office workers on the Presidium some more vitamins.

She snorts, imagining Anderson sunbathing in an itty bitty polka dot bikini. She'll have to tell him that one later. She thinks it'll make him laugh.

Regardless of the reasons, she feels warm and content as she waits for Ambassador Udina to cut through some red tape so some of the _Normandy_ repairs can be fast-tracked.

A man with dark hair sidles up to her, heading from the direction of the entrance to the Wards. He grins boyishly as he clutches two large ice creams, already half melting down his hands.

"You want one?" he asks, holding one out to her.

"Wow!" she gasps, taking it instantly to taste the sweetness. She's messy, uncaring of how she appears as she devours the treat. "Where did you get it? I didn't think they'd have one on the Citadel. It's kinda a human thing."

He smirks, looking proud of himself. "I'm an enigma wrapped in a mystery."

She arches one dark brow. "_Really_."

"No, OK," he says, laughing. He settles beside her on the bench, his thigh touching hers. She feels so warm and happy; the soft-serve ice cream is a pleasurable icy contrast in her mouth. "I heard you telling Ash you liked them. So I went down to the Wards and had a look around. Found a small store, tucked right back in Zakera Ward."

"It tastes wonderful. Thank you."

He bumps her shoulder with his, eyes warm. "You're welcome, Shepard. Us Earthborns have to stick together, right?"

She punches him lightly as he laughs. "You big goof. I don't think soft serves are the highlight of human culture."

He pauses to lick some ice cream dribbling down his wrist. She swallows, suddenly thinking that maybe they dialed up the sunlight too high. It's too hot. Her cheeks are pink.

"It wouldn't drip if you just ate it," she says, wishing she could spontaneously be reincarnated as his wrist, and gestures to the second ice cream.

His cheeks go a little red. "I actually don't like them that much. Ever since one summer on the orchard, I ate like twenty in a row and made myself sick."

"Why did you go through all this trouble, then?" she asks, baffled. What a waste of creds.

He rubs the back of his neck with his free hand. "I just thought it would make you happy. This one's yours, too. Sorry. That's probably out of line."

There's a weird swoop in her stomach, a happy bubbly feeling. No one's ever done something like that before. It's so simple… So sweet.

"Not out of line at all... Thank you."

She's touched. He bought her something for no other reason than she mentioned her cravings for one in passing. Even bought her extra and was just sitting there letting it melt on him.

His gaze flickers to her face and away again.

"You, uh...you have some ice cream on your face."

She rubs at her cheeks, trying to clean them, cursing herself for being such a slob.

"Where? Did I get it?"

He laughs. "No, it's still there. On the corner of your mouth. Here..."

It's a mistake, she tells herself. It's a mistake when he leans across and presses his lips to the corner of her mouth, kissing away the ice cream, his hand gently holding her chin.

His tongue meets hers. There's a spark of heat between them, hotter than any artificial sun.

In unison reality hits them, accompanied by horrified eyes. He looks just as surprised as her.

They quickly spring apart. She looks around, hoping no one saw them. It's quiet. There are no nosy Alliance personnel around. She thinks that maybe this time they weren't caught.

"Sorry," he says. "I didn't mean to do that. Sorry."

"It's OK," she says breathlessly, ice cream soft on her lips. Not as sweet as he tastes. "I know. Neither did I."

He stands. "I'm going to go back and wait on the _Normandy_. I think." He nods to himself, looking confused. "Yeah, that's a good idea."

Impishly she calls, "What about the other ice cream? I thought that was mine, too?"

Eyes twinkling he turns back. "Nope. Mine now. I think I've rediscovered my taste for it."

Watching her carefully, he takes a long lick of the sweet, white soft-serve.

She thinks she forgets how to breathe. Or even move. It's only the steady drip of her almost melted ice cream onto her pants that makes her mouth snap shut.

* * *

"You may open your eyes, Shepard," Samara said. "We are done. I hope it brought some peace to your heart. I hope it showed you that it isn't always suffering. Someday, things will be simple for you again and you will be happy."

Shepard sniffed, wiping her face. Amazingly, she felt a smile stretching her lips, pulling the split lip Vasir left behind. It felt like she had just stirred a long rest, or maybe laughed at something for the first time in an eon.

"I've got to stay hopeful, right?" she said with a crooked smile, reorientating her body and tearing herself from the past.

"You do." Samara nodded. "Remember, you need not become your enemies to defeat them. You must keep your kind heart. Your goodness. Or the Illusive Man has already won. 'She who fights monsters should see to it that she herself does not become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.'"

"What is that?" Shepard asked, puzzled.

Samara stood, gazing out the star window. "I have been speaking to the geth known as Legion," she said, turning back to smile at Shepard. "He informs me he has a..._fondness_ of human literature. Or his runtimes have reached consensus. To be honest, I became confused after a while…"

Shepard laughed. "He has a way of doing that, yeah."

Samara sobered. "You have gazed into the abyss, yes?"

She'd gazed into hell. She lay in the darkness until it stared back. She saw the worst of human nature. The worst of alien nature. She'd been to the centre of the galaxy and seen the heart of darkness.

"Yes."

"And you have walked away from it, as I have. We must not become those we abhor."

Shepard finally stood, legs shaking. She sat on the couch and stared at her hands.

They were smooth, only a few newly acquired scars marring them. She wondered if they were too bloodstained to hold Miles. If she would ever find out.

"One of those memories wasn't mine," Shepard said, glancing up at Samara. "It was your other daughters, right?"

"Yes," she nodded, for once not looking aggrieved about her family's history. "My other girls. They were particularly close and especially precocious and naughty."

She gave a small laugh, a bright happy sound that made Shepard want to laugh, too. She wondered if anyone was ever privileged enough to hear Samara laugh like that.

"Asari cannot have twins like human females can," Samara continued. "We have far more control over our reproductive capabilities. Though, my bondmate and I purposely had Rila and Falere closely together. We wished for them to always have a friend. The bond between siblings is important."

Shepard looked away. Miles would never have a brother or sister. She couldn't see herself ever wanting to go through as much pain and confusion as she was now, even felt as though she couldn't trust her own body not to give her nasty surprises and hide secrets from her. She knew intellectually that what happened was no one's fault, but still… she blamed herself for the fact that her son was now held by her enemies.

"Where are they now?" she asked instead of dwelling. "Your bondmate?"

"She died naturally as she was much older than me. Parting was a great sorrow, but she is in my heart and I no longer grieve for her. My daughters are safe," Samara said simply. "We are parted and I do not see them often, but I am content that they remain happy and healthy."

"I'm glad." Shepard nodded and stood, hovering awkwardly. Before she left the room she had to tell her friend one last thing that had been burning on the tip of her tongue. "I never told you...but I'm very sorry for my behavior after... Well, after Morinth. What happened there. I was afraid."

Samara shook her head, rejecting her contrite words. "I understand. No apology is necessary. Sometimes it is difficult when you fight monsters." She paused. "I, of all people, know that. I have been fighting for hundreds of years."

"Do you ever regret your choice to become a Justicar?" Shepard asked, suddenly curious. She allowed the Starboard Observation doors to swish shut again and resettled onto the couch.

"No," Samara said flatly, eyes keen and bright. She sat beside her. Shepard felt as if those singularly beautiful eyes knew all her secrets. "Do you regret your choice to become a soldier?"

"No." She shrugged. "It was the only choice."

Samara inclined her head. "As it was for me."

Shepard licked her lips, her mind racing. Phantom ice cream tasted cool and sweet on her tongue.

"Samara, what did you mean by 'time isn't linear'?"

"It was as I said. Death is not the end of all things."

Shepard scoffed. "Yes, it is. Believe me. I'm an expert."

"You are here now, are you not?"

If only it was that simple. If only the Lazarus Project had been like throwing a light switch. If only two years hadn't passed.

"That's different," Shepard argued. "I'm unnatural."

The 'Miles is unnatural' went unspoken and Shepard hated herself for even letting her brain drift there.

"That is not true and you know it."

Shepard made a stunted gesture, wishing she could clap her hands to her mouth and never say the wrong thing again; that everything would just make sense; that she had her son and would love him properly and never let him down again.

An awkward silence fell, neither woman willing to concede their point. Shepard shifted on the couch, not sure if she should leave or not.

"Shepard, a single perfect memory can sustain you through all of the bad as I have shown you today," Samara explained. "You need to learn how to focus on that. You will find you are more resilient than you ever thought yourself capable of. I suggest you speak with Thane. He has some interesting concepts."

For the first time in what seemed like months, Shepard felt a flicker of curiosity and intrigue. A tiny part of her old self awaken from its slumber.

"Thane, eh?" she said with a smirk. "You talk often, then?"

Samara actually rolled her eyes at her. Secretly, Shepard was glad she was able to deflect the conversation away from herself.

"Goddess! You are inquisitive and blunt. Do all humans have this fascination with love lives that aren't their own?"

"Yes," she said with no hesitation. "Hell, yes. I like hearing about train wrecks that aren't mine." She sniffed, trying to stop a cheeky grin breaking across her face. "Makes me feel better that I'm not the only dysfunctional one. Kasumi has single handily stopped me drinking myself to death. That woman has some great sex stories. Totally as crazy as me, too."

"Well, I am very sorry to disappoint you," Samara scoffed. "But I was merely curious about Thane's eidetic memory."

"Oh yeah. He has that thing. He blabbed during the mission briefing. Has to be hard sometimes."

Shepard knew with no doubt, that if she had eidetic memory, she would have eaten a bullet a long time ago.

"Have you looked into his mind, like you have for me?" she asked instead of voicing these thoughts to Samara. "What's it like?"

Samara shook her head. "No. I have not looked because the Code would demand I kill him. I consider him a dear friend. I would prefer not to. Although a mind meld between a drell and an asari is something few have documented, and even fewer could describe. I am certain it would be one of the more unique things in my thousand year lifespan. Such vivid minds to explore."

Shepard sat up in surprise. "Kill him? Wow." She frowned. "But you don't have to kill me? I have… I have killed."

"Do not equate yourself with him. You are a soldier. Not an assassin."

"A life is a life."

"Motivations are different. You do not murder for money. You murder in defense of others. You are a protector." Samara gestured and then settled her hands in her lap, twisting an ornate ring Shepard just noticed she wore on her finger. It was strange to see her without her gloves on. She looked gentler somehow.

"Thane was lost for a very long time. The only reason I do not kill him where he stands is because he is now making amends, and I remain ignorant to his worst crimes."

Shepard's hands wandered underneath her shirt to play with her dog tags, a nervous habit she picked up as a young marine. Her hand met only bare skin and she realized she no longer had any because they burned up over Alchera and she was wanted by the Alliance for treason.

Cursing herself, she said, "He worked for the hanar, same as I worked for the Alliance."

Samara stood, and then spun to face her, eyes fierce.

"I see a difference and so does the Code. I do not expect you to understand, but it is my way. If I did not feel that you were justified, I would not sit here with you," she said, voice bitter, sharp as diamonds.

"One of us would be dead. When I swore an oath to you to defeat the Collectors, I did not have the full measure of the woman you are." She blazed at Shepard, as if she wanted to reach forward and shake her.

"Now I do. And I am still beside you; even now my oath is technically fulfilled. Your wishes are still my code. Your morals are still my morals. Your choices are my choices. Because even when you stumble, you are just. This is not my Code speaking. This is the first decision I have made for myself in a long time."

Shepard's throat was tight and closed. "I don't know what to say. Thank you."

Nervous, she bowed her head to avoid her eternal gaze.

Samara padded forward and knelt by her side, in front of the couch. Shepard raised her head to meet her eyes and found it one of the most difficult things she had to do.

Samara saw right through her.

She felt almost…shy.

As a rule, Shepard was not a shy woman.

"It is not my place to say it…" Samara said softly. "But I think of you as one of my own. As a daughter."

Shepard felt a strange kind of panic, a warmth bloom in her chest, her stomach flip.

It was bad and good all rolled into one.

_Oh god, Kaidan. Kaidan, how do I do this? What's a mother? Help me. Tell me how to allow myself to love her. To love your son. You taught me how to love you with no effort at all. Tell me how to do it again, just as easily._

"Oh… Samara. I-I- I'm sorry. I… I really don't know what to say. I've- I've never… I don't know."

Samara smiled. "That is alright. You need not say anything. I understand."

Shepard swallowed harshly. "You must have loved all your daughters very much."

"I did and still do. As you will come to love your son. Do not lose heart."

"I won't," she promised, getting up to leave. Samara stood aside, and for just a second Shepard smelt her heady perfume. Not for the first time, she wondered at how it made her feel safer.

"I'm going to have a nap now. Then we'll take down the Shadow Broker. I feel... I feel better. I'm still scared. I'm still angry. Maybe I always will be. But I'll try."

Samara turned back to the great spread of stars.

"You do what you must. I am with you until the end."

* * *

Shepard readied her armor beside Liara, Miranda and Garrus. Alliance blue.

_Fuck you, Illusive Man. _

Dressed in only her shorts and singlet, Garrus first helped her with her boots and greaves, checking all the seals. Then her chest piece.

Garrus' eyes lingered on the mottled bruising that was revealed when her singlet slid upwards as they struggled with the tight fitting piece.

Shepard placed a hand over her stomach, embarrassed. "It's only bruises now. Don't worry, big guy."

He moved her hand aside, examining it, and their armor ritual ground to a halt.

She sighed. Kaidan would be even worse.

"Shepard, you jumped out a window and you went splat."

"Hence the bruises. I know. I know." She shoved his hands away, trying to pull the armor on herself. He gave an annoyed sigh and started helping again. "To be fair, I can float. Not like I'm suicidal."

The air hummed with tension as her joke fell flat.

She winced as he gave her the 'Shepard, you're being an ass' face.

"You've got to be more careful."

"Says Archangel to Commander Shepard." She smirked. "Puh-lease."

Now dressed, she strapped extra holsters around her thigh and doubled the amount of ammo she usually carried.

Liara nodded to her as she finished helping Garrus with his own armor.

Miranda flicked dyed blonde hair out of her eyes and said, "Let's do this."

* * *

Shepard and her team did not take time to marvel over the Shadow Broker's ship.

They obliterated all who tried to stop them, tearing through the mechs with Garrus' and Miranda's overload, and any Shadow Broker soldiers who got in Shepard's way were thrown overboard or detonated by Liara.

Static electricity made Shepard's hair stand wildly on end, but it also drove her harder and faster. The air seemed alive and she felt like she was taking her one chance; grasping it with both hands and not giving up.

Lightning arched through the sky, seeming to zap through Shepard's veins, too.

She could do this.

"So, we're here to rescue this Feron guy, right?" Shepard called to Liara as they climbed through a maintenance shaft into the bowels of the ship. "I mean, in addition to getting Miles' location."

"Yes," she replied breathlessly. "I owe him. He worked with me to save you but was captured."

Something in Liara's tone had Shepard pausing by a support wall. Miranda hunkered down beside her, reloading her gun.

Liara shifted on her feet, looking anxious as Garrus tended to a minor abrasion on her fringe.

"Oh." Shepard said lamely. "You sound…upset."

"What do you expect?" she snapped. "He was an…ally to me. A friend. At least I thought he was. I am not my mother. I repay my debts. He helped me."

Miranda made a funny little huff beside Shepard, seemingly amused.

"Little perfect asari princess who is in true love with Shepard isn't always such a goody-two-shoes, then," she muttered.

Shepard barely refrained from giving her a kick in the shins but settled for shooting her a quelling look.

"Geez, OK, Liara." Shepard said, surprised at her vehemence. "I never said you were."

"I'm sorry." Liara bit her lip, anxious to move on. "I just hope he's OK."

Dawning comprehension stole over Shepard as she realized who Liara reminded her of.

Herself. When Kaidan or Miles were in trouble.

She wondered with distant amusement if she always seemed as Liara did now. What a nightmare to deal with.

She thumped Garrus in the chest. "You're alright, Garrus."

"Uh, thanks?"

They moved further inwards, taking out some weak defensive positions.

"Did you guys…have a thing?" she asked Liara as delicately as she could manage when there was a lull in combat. "You know…like a thing _thing_. Like a Kaidan thing."

Garrus made a vigorous slashing motion behind Liara's back at his neck, as if to say, '_Shepard, what are you doing? Shut up.'_

Shepard grinned and shrugged. Curiosity killed the cat.

Liara nearly dropped her gun at the mention of Kaidan. "No! Goddess, no. Not like that…_thing_."

Shepard had to scold herself for being amused at the color that crept up Liara's cheeks. Maybe she was being a little mean teasing her, but she was making an effort to take Samara's advice.

Humor kept the anger at bay; the anger which always seemed to bubble under the surface, just waiting to explode and destroy everything.

"Yeah." Shepard sighed. "That thing's pretty unique, I guess. I miss that thing."

Liara frowned at her. "Oh, I know, thanks to you."

"Hey! It's not my fault my drugged out brain lingered on that…_thing_."

She actually hoped Liara might have found someone. The stark reminder of her apartment flashed through Shepard's mind and her grin faded as she remembered her macabre, burnt armor.

Some fixations weren't healthy. Shepard would never return the same depth of feeling.

"Maybe you should get Feron's thing. Things are fun, sometimes." She grinned crookedly, feeling her eyes crinkle with self-effacing mirth. "And hey! You're an asari. No worries about having to take out a Shadow Broker to get your illegitimate baby back. Win win."

Garrus snorted.

"No!" Liara protested, embarrassed. "Shepard!"

"What? A girl can't be curious? I think you'd make a nice couple. I have it on very good authority drell and asari pairings are hot as hell."

Garrus groaned. "Shepard…have you been watching Joker's interspecies porn again?"

Shepard frowned as they began moving further into the ship, Miranda steady at her back.

"What porn? I thought I told him to get rid of it after Kaidan found that weird batarian thing on my terminal. We're open-minded, you know. But some things…"

Garrus didn't respond as Liara shot them both a disgusted look. Miranda nodded along with Shepard.

Garrus' silence was conspicuous.

"Oh no. Don't tell me. That little shit," Shepard cursed.

"A man does not rat out his comrades in arms, Shepard," Garrus said. "Not even for our captain."

Shepard pursed her lips. "He downloaded it all onto the mainframe again when I explicitly told him to keep it off my ship's storage space. Hey, a man has needs. I get it. Ladies have needs, too. But one thousand zetabytes is going too far, Garrus! Remind me to discipline him."

"Oops." Garrus breathed out, amused. "Sorry, Joker."

Their little break over with, the small group headed around a corner, wiping out another contingent of Shadow Broker soldiers.

A large door loomed before them. Shepard nodded to Miranda, who immediately bent at the console to hack through.

When it swished open Liara, gasped, practically pushing Shepard aside to walk through first.

"Feron!"

"Liara?"

It was a drell, held in a chair by glowing restraints. "Omni-cuffs", if Kaidan's lessons on tech served Shepard correctly. They couldn't be broken as easily as physical bonds, but it was possible. Shepard's mind raced, trying to think how they could free him.

Feron blinked at them slowly, his eyes luminous and even blacker than Thane's. Shepard watched his opalescent skin almost glimmer in the low sickly lighting, and not for the first time, marveled at the wide variety of skin tones drell possessed. Kolyat and Thane were colorful, but even they couldn't compare to Feron's panoply of hues.

Sunset orange, grass green, and burnished rust red dusted his face and Shepard found herself appreciating how Liara could develop feelings for him. Those dark eyes seemed to hold many secrets.

A born archeologist like Liara must have wanted to uncover what was hidden in the darkness.

Shepard shook her head and returned her attention to figuring out how to liberate him, and the problem of the omni-cuffs.

She could probably snap them with her biotics, but it might burn his wrists.

"Hold on," Liara said, tapping away at a console. "We're getting you out of here!"

"No!" Feron gasped, but it was too late. Shocks arched across his body.

An obvious torture chair.

Shepard winced. The Shadow Broker was depraved.

"You alright?" she asked him, watching his shiny forehead trickle sweat.

"Ah, the infamous Commander Shepard," he rasped, voice the characteristic drell gravel. "Nice to finally meet you in the flesh, so to speak, considering all the effort we put into you."

Shepard nodded, not sure if he was being sarcastic or not.

"I am alright. The equipment here is sensitive, tied into the Broker's equipment. You cannot remove me with the power still on without frying my brain."

"Fuck. There went my brilliant plan," Shepard snarled.

"You were just gonna break him out, weren't you?" Garrus asked, amused.

"Yes. Shut up, you. It's called aggressively forward thinking. I was praised in basic."

"Feron," Liara said anxiously, interrupting their banter. "Do you know where we can cut the power?"

"Yes. It won't be easy; you'll have to go through central operations."

"Alright, people." Shepard clapped her hands together, heading for the door. "We're on a schedule. Let's move our asses."

"You know the Shadow Broker's waiting for you, right?" Feron called.

"I'm counting on it," Shepard muttered under her breath, face bathed in shadows as she left the torture room.

"We'll be back for you, Feron," Liara promised as she followed Shepard.

"I'll try not to go anywhere."

Shepard burst out into rare, surprised laughter, nudging Liara in the side. "Him. Him, I like. He's a keeper, Liara."

"Shut up, Shepard."

"Yes, ma'am."

* * *

The Broker was waiting for them.

Shepard found him grotesque. His mouth was like a gaping maw, reminding her of a giant Venus Fly Trap she once saw while on shore leave on a distant world.

His skin was an awful red color, so unlike Feron's, and it somehow triggered Shepard to recall the center of the galaxy and the harsh lights she found there, the eyes of the Collector's Oculi.

There was another light display suspended over the room. Shepard glanced at it, frowning. Liara would probably know its purpose but it was lost on her. Was it purely aesthetic or some kind of power source?

The harsh blue lightning suspended above them gleamed off the Broker's razor sharp teeth, and Shepard had no doubt if those maws chopped down on a human arm, it would come right off, like an omni-blade slicing through tissue paper.

She hesitated on the ball of her feet for a moment and then stepped forward. She admitted to herself that the Broker's bulk was intimidating, a great spread of muscles and power. She hadn't expected something so massive, had truly thought that the Broker may have been just an A.I or perhaps some nerdy salarian with a god complex.

She wondered at the intelligence the yahg must possess to operate the sprawling bank of quantum computing consoles spread behind him. Shepard wouldn't have been able to make heads nor tails of it in a million years, even if she RTFM'ed.

"Commander Shepard," he greeted calmly. "Here for the drell, or something else?"

"Both."

"Reckless, even for you, Commander. Cerberus has many eyes."

Shepard's heart pounded. "I'm not afraid of Cerberus. Or you."

"You should be."

"The bombing on Illium was going too far. All those innocents."

Beside her, Miranda, Garrus and Liara stood, backing her up.

"It was necessary."

Shepard shook her head. "No, it wasn't. Killing civilians is never justified."

"Neither was caging Feron for two years, like some kind of animal!" Liara burst out. Shepard looked over. There were tears in her eyes.

"Dr. T'Soni," the Shadow Broker greeted her as calmly as he had Shepard. "Your interference caused all this."

He gestured with one massive hand. Shepard watched it warily.

"Feron betrayed me when he handed you Shepard and the fetus. The drell is simply paying the price."

Shepard licked her lips, mind racing. She had to know. It wasn't important, but any details of her missing years suddenly meant a lot to her. No matter how small, she wanted to know what happened in the background of her life.

"Did you know about my son? Back then?"

He smirked, sharp teeth gleaming. "About what you had festering inside? Of course. I know all. It was a surprise, what Cerberus did, but in hindsight not entirely unexpected. I was disappointed. The Collectors were very interested and were willing to pay amounts of creds and technology you could never even dream of. They offered to triple it when they found out about the cells that weren't wholly yours."

Shepard held her hand balled into a fist at her side.

'Festering.'

She steeled her spine. Held onto what little serenity Samara had given her.

_Ice cream soft on her tongue. _

"You have to know I was bound to come after you," she said after a deep breath. "You worked with the Collectors to violate me."

"It was a mutually beneficial partnership."

Shepard's lip curled with disgust. "You're a monster."

"Am I?" His gaze shifted to Garrus. "Archangel, nice to see you here. Your bounty is still unclaimed. You have brought me quite the prize, Dr. T'Soni."

Garrus' mandibles fluttered as he shifted his stance uneasily.

The Shadow Broker looked to the woman standing behind Shepard. "And Miranda Lawson, if I am not mistaken."

He smiled widely at Shepard, his mouth gaping razor sharp teeth. "And you call me the monster? I was not Project Changeling's head, after all."

Miranda swallowed and looked away.

"That's not relevant," Shepard barked. "Shut your mouth."

The Shadow Broker reclined his massive body in his chair. "It's pointless to challenge me. I know your every secret, while you fumble in the dark."

"Is it?" Liara smirked. Shepard's eyebrows rose in surprise and…alarm.

What was she doing? Taunting him?

"You're a yahg, a pre-flight species quarantined to their homeworld for massacring the Council's first contact teams. This base is older than your planet's discovery, which probably means you killed the original Shadow Broker sixty years ago, then took over. You were taken from your world by a trophy hunter, who wanted a slave…or a pet. How am I doing?"

The Broker roared and threw his desk across the room. Miranda screamed as it just missed her by an inch, deflected at the last moment by Shepard's biotic field.

Shepard hung onto it, and threw it back at the Broker in a blue wave.

"You're not the only one with a little temper problem," she yelled as the desk shattered against his body. "Way to make him angry, Liara!"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," she retorted. "He wasn't going to negotiate."

Shepard sighed as the group opened fire, but it became apparent that the Broker had extreme security methods. He manifested both foucault current shielding and an omni-shield.

"He's protecting himself," Miranda yelled. "You'll have to get in close and melee him."

"My ass, I will," Shepard snapped. "He'll tear me into pieces. Jesus Christ, I'd like to actually live long enough to meet my son. I'll do this my way!"

Shepard scoffed as she flicked a Singularity at the Broker.

"Charge him? What am I? A fucking krogan Vanguard?" she muttered under her breath. "How about no?"

The yahg struggled against the tidal forces, his fortifications preventing much of the gravity from affecting him.

"Little help, Liara? Miranda?" Shepard said, and both women gestured.

Biotics exploded against him, and he stumbled back.

Shepard took the opportunity to make a pulling gesture, and his bright orange shield flew out of his hand to her waiting arms.

Shepard raised a knee and sundered the shield against her armored leg.

"Shield that, bitch."

"Move him under the dome, Shepard," Liara whispered, gesturing minutely. "I can take him out."

She glanced at the whirling blue electricity above them, and nodded.

"So, what was the deal with the Collectors, Broker?" Shepard taunted, trying to move him directly under the door. He snarled, shaking his stunned head, and walked towards her.

"What? You be a good little coward and hand them a dead woman's corpse? Tell me, have you always been this greedy or did your old master beat it into you? It hurts, doesn't it? When you're small and someone stands over you? It hurts when your bones break, doesn't it, little yahg?"

"HUMAN FILTH," he screeched. "I WILL TEAR YOU TO PIECES."

"Yeah? You know, that anger will destroy you. Oops. It looks like it already has."

Liara pulled. Shepard stowed her pistol away to help, using her whole body to cave in the ceiling with biotics.

Between them it was almost too easy.

The Broker practically disintegrated, overcome with energy. Shepard was knocked to the ground by the blast and lay still for just a moment.

It was over.

Liara offered her a hand, and she took it.

Shepard didn't linger, but reached for the Broker's console frantically as soon as she was on her feet.

"Liara, please! This is it. We can find him. Help me."


	41. Crossing the Styx

Liara rushed to Shepard's side, her fingers flying over the console. Shepard watched raptly, her eyes tracing the streams of data falling like rain down the glowing monitors.

Miranda came up beside her. "Look for planets with a habitable atmosphere."

Liara nodded, refining her search. "I'm in the Broker's records of Cerberus now. He had some extensive information and a once resplendent spy network." She frowned at the screen, her thin eyebrows creasing. "The Illusive Man has been executing the Broker's spies as he discovers them. His methods are becoming harsher, but they still feed enough data to keep the Broker well informed of Cerberus activities."

Shepard's mind raced as she hovered, feeling completely useless as the two women chattered amongst themselves. A lot of words and numbers she didn't understand gleamed at her, seeming to mock her stupidity and ineffectualness. Miles was counting on her, and without Liara or Miranda, she would have failed him over and over.

"OK, searching for project information on Shepard… Lazarus, Gemini, Changeling…"

"Gemini? What's that?" asked Shepard. "I thought there were only two projects relating to me, my resurrection, and Miles' resurrection."

Miranda shook her head. "I don't know. There were only two."

Liara paged open the file. "It's empty. Nothing is here. It is possible it's just a scrapped project name with references lingering in the documents. Maybe discarded codenames?"

Miranda frowned at it. "He wouldn't…"

"What?" Shepard asked again.

"It's nothing," Miranda replied. "Just ignore it. It doesn't mean anything. There _are_ only two."

"We're wasting time," Shepard snapped, impatient. Her mind was focused on their limited time, aware of it trickling away. She'd worry about whatever Gemini meant later.

If she found out Miranda was lying about one more thing…

Then she'd kill her herself.

"Focus on Miles."

"I have it. There's a paper trail here..." Liara muttered. "Cerberus movement, equipment for a lab... Oh no."

"What?" Shepard barked.

"They are very well equipped. It looks like, since the Collectors were a known threat to your son - and indeed anything relating to you - that the Illusive Man took extra precautions."

"On_ my_ recommendation," Miranda sighed, holding her forehead with a grimace. "He's made a fortification. There's a contingent of armed guards at the facility, and even a small fleet of Cerberus fighters guarding the approach. Groundside AA guns, military grade equipment. They were prepared for a Collector attack."

"Fighters? Shit. Shit. Shit." Shepard felt a spark of anger and her temper boil over. She slammed a fist on the console, cursing. "The _Normandy_ isn't in any condition for this. She's barely holding together after the Collectors blew holes in the hull. We're limping along."

"It's OK, Shepard," Miranda said, placing a hand on her shoulder. Shepard shrugged it off. "We can do this. We go in quiet. Ready the shuttle. Have Joker run rings around them and draw the fighters off. The_ Normandy_ is quiet and fast."

Shepard gathered her composure. "You're right. We have no choice and we can't back down after coming so far. We have to move. Joker will just have to keep the _Normandy _safe and hope to hell we're not blown out of the sky. Where is Miles, Liara?"

Liara frowned at another stream of data. "The planet Demeter in Sigurd's Cradle."

"Let's move."

"Wait, Shepard!" Liara called as Shepard spun and began marching out of the room. "I think you should stay the night. You're tired. I'll come with you tomorrow after I tend to Feron."

"No, Liara," she said, shrugging. "If I wait another day I'm going to go crazy, I promise you. I want you to stay here, watch our back. Keep in contact with me. You have to be my eyes and ears. After... After I have him, the Illusive Man will be gunning for me. I need you to use information as your weapon." She gave her a crooked smile. "I already have a ship full of people with guns."

Liara took a deep breath, her forehead creased with uncertainty. "Well, if you're sure."

She turned back to the consoles as it began to beep, a static-filled voice calling for the Broker.

Shepard watched as Liara's shoulders shook at the many voices demanding attention and then she did something that shocked Shepard.

"This is the Shadow Broker," Liara said across all frequencies, her voice firm. "We had a situation but it is now under control. We experienced a power fluctuation while operating hardware, it disrupted communications momentarily. However, we are now back online. Resume standard procedures. I want a status report on all current operations within a solar day. Shadow Broker, out."

Feron burst into the room in a wild panic, gun drawn.

"Goddess of oceans, it's you! You're..."

Shepard gaped.

Liara was always ambitious, always searching for answers, for knowledge; so unlike Shepard who remained content with what little she had clawed; uninterested in pursuits of the mind. Still, Shepard underestimated her time and again. That young girl she had rescued from Therum two long years ago was gone.

She was now the Shadow Broker.

"Liara, are you sure you want to do this? All this power..."

Liara's voice shook. "I-Information is power. With the Shadow Broker's network I can give you more than just information on Cerberus. I can- I can..." Her voice faltered, her whole body trembling. "I can help-"

Shepard jogged back over to her old friend, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. Tears streamed down Liara's face, and she felt a pang in her heart for how her friend had suffered in the two years she was gone.

"You're gonna be fine, Liara. You do this because you want it for yourself, not because you think it'll help me. You need to take care of yourself. You know me, I work things out eventually."

"I do want this," Liara sniffed. "I do."

Shepard smiled at her, wiping a tear from her cheek, and jerked her head towards Feron, beckoning him over.

"I've gotta go. I'm sorry. I can't hang around. Take some time, Liara."

Shepard narrowed her gaze at Feron and he finally seemed to take the hint. As he drew closer to Liara he patted the sobbing asari on the shoulder with a shaking hand.

Liara turned to him, and wrapped him in a gentle hug, the dark leather of his suit creaking with the contact. Shepard smiled.

She ran from the room, Garrus and Miranda following. "Don't be a stranger, Liara! I'll see you after Demeter." She paused before she crossed the threshold. "If I fail..."

"You won't," Liara said, looking around the cocoon of Feron's arms. "But if you do, I promise you, I will destroy Cerberus myself. I won't let Miles stay with them."

"Goodbye, Liara," Garrus called. "Take care of yourself."

"And you take care of her and the boy, Garrus," Shepard heard her respond, just before the door whooshed closed.

* * *

Back onboard the _Normandy_ Shepard rushed to Joker, immediately ordering him to set course.

"This is it, huh?" he said. "We're finally gonna finish this thing and be free from Cerberus? No more sticking it to the man and we go back to being good little Alliance soldiers."

Shepard bit her lip, worrying at the skin. "Fuck, I hope so. I can't take much more of this."

Miranda shuffled in behind Shepard, drawing attention to herself when she scoffed.

"What?" Shepard snapped. "I don't have time for your shit right now."

"It's nothing," she sighed. "Sorry. I was just marveling at the ego on the Illusive Man. That, or his hubris."

"You'll have to share with the class, Miranda," Shepard said. Joker smirked at her snarky tone. "Your little joke is lost on me. We aren't all Harvard educated or wherever it is all the smart people go."

"Nice one, Boss."

That earned Joker a heavy frown from Miranda.

"The planet, Demeter. It's mythology again, Greek to be specific. Demeter was a mother goddess; a goddess of the harvest, or of reaping. She's also a symbol of marriage, law, and the cycle of life and death. Hades, the god of the underworld stole Demeter's daughter Persephone from her, and dragged her down with him. Cerberus, Hades' three-headed dog guarded the gates of the underworld and would not allow the shades to pass back into the land of the living."

Shepard paused, and even the mocking smile slipped off Joker's face.

_The harvest?_ she sniped internally. _I know a thing or two about the harvest. I wish it were grain, not all organic life._

"Did Demeter ever get her daughter back?"

Miranda hesitated and Shepard knew the story didn't have a happy ending.

"For a time. She had other children. Despoina, the daughter of Poseidon. Demeter changed into a mare to escape him and Poseidon mounted her as a stallion. She was angry."

"Charming men, these Greek gods," Shepard spat. "I'd be pissed, too."

"She also bore a son to a human man after she lay with him in a thrice-ploughed field, but he was killed by a jealous god. She's never usually portrayed with a consort...but she loved him, even forbidden as it was. She seduced him."

"How do you know all this?" Shepard asked with a frown. "This is some weird shit, and believe me, I know weird. I've seen Joker's porn."

"Hey!"

Shepard yanked his cap off his head and hit him with it. "Don't start with me, Mister. I know you re-downloaded it. Garrus squealed."

"That rat bastard," Joker cursed as they jumped to FTL, heading for the nearest relay. Shepard watched, enraptured as always as her ship bent time and space to make physics bow to their will. She pulled off her gauntlet, nursing a small burn a Shadow Broker soldier had left on her wrist.

Miranda shrugged, watching the stars as well. "Father made sure I studied the classics. Actually, I studied everything I could lay my hands on. Mathematics, ancient history, literature, the sciences... By the time I was four, I was better read than most college honor-roll students. I had a lonely childhood. I always enjoyed the myths. Eventually, I guess I found it to be a nice distraction from Father."

Shepard swallowed, feeling a sting of guilt for snapping. "I see. I'm...sorry. That must have been tough. What happened to Persephone in the end?"

"She was returned to Demeter for only a short time, in spring when life bloomed, and was dragged back to the underworld in winter. I guess it was a way for the ancient Greeks to make sense of the seasons."

"That's a shitty myth," Shepard said a little desperately, sorry for ever asking. "This is why I hate books."

She spun and turned to leave. "I'm going to my cabin," she said. "Get ready. We should be at Demeter in a day. I want a crew meeting called, and a complete inventory of our weapon locker. I also want EDI to work on squeezing out every ounce of performance that the _Normandy_ can handle. We need it to avoid being hit or this is going to be a very short rescue mission."

"Very well, Shepard," EDI chimed. "I will initiate some emergency repairs with Tali and Garrus, but I cannot repair the outside damage without a dry-dock and skilled techs with material patches. The Collector's damage was rather extensive. The Illusive Man plans to repair the _Normandy _at a later date, but we will not be under his control after we have retrieved your progeny."

"Just do what you can, EDI." She rubbed her eyes, feeling them sting. "I want the crew to rest as much as they can before we raid Demeter."

"Hey, Shepard?" Joker called.

She turned around as he spun in his chair.

"Yeah?"

"See, Alenko told me that he was a really nerdy kid. Used to collect these adventure stories."

"I know," Shepard said, voice quiet and small.

"Yeah, I had a couple, too. And the fun thing about these stories was that some of them were awesome, old-fashioned 'choose your own adventure' types."

"I don't get it," she said flatly.

"Oh, OK. You probably missed out. OK, so you didn't like where the story was going, right?"

"OK?"

"So you turned the page, and you chose what happened next."

"Really?" she asked, a bit surprised. "You can do that with books?"

"Some of them," he answered, rolling a shoulder until it cracked. "The really cool ones. I mean, it's a silly kid thing, but they were fun, you know?"

"You have a point?"

He smiled, a rare genuine Joker smile with no trace of sarcasm or mockery; the orange ship controls bathing him in gentle light. "You chose how this story ends, OK, Shepard? No one's dragging you or that kid back to hell, alright? Not on my watch."

She padded back over to him and gently squeezed his shoulder. He smiled up at her, bright eyes gleaming, and she felt a smile tug her lips, too.

"Thanks, Joker."

Back up in her cabin, Shepard stripped and climbed into the shower, scrubbing exhaustion away from the harsh lines on her face. Then she began to soap her body, lingering for a moment over her flat stomach, still purplish with bruises. Her hands shook.

"Demeter should have left her human man alone," she mumbled, and then roughly shut the taps off, crawling exhausted into her bed. Her dreams of shades and gnarled trees welcomed her back.

* * *

As they approached Hagalaz, Kaidan paced up to the bridge to speak to his Flight Lieutenant.

"Any sign of the _Normandy_?"

Flight Lieutenant Sandy Chan spun to face him, her lithe hands stilling for a moment on the orange haptic interface.

"No, sir. There are also no apparent defenses orbiting the ship."

Kaidan gazed out the window to see a large cloud of swirling lightning enveloping a large, strangely built ship; almost like a giant space insect, reminiscent of the Reapers alien form. Massive lightning rods absorbed sparks of energy every so often, buffeted by a solar storm. Dust particles refracted light from the aging sun, giving the ship an almost permanent sunset hue.

It was both beautiful and terrible to Kaidan, the harsh and unforgiving landscape of space.

He frowned. "What is that thing? It looks like a base of some kind."

Chan nodded. "That's what scans suggest. Minimal life signs inside."

His breath caught. _Minimal life signs. Shepard, no._

"Alright. I'm taking a small team and heading in. Tell Hugo and Vasquez to suit up."

* * *

Their progress through the ship was swift, strewn as it was with dead bodies.

"Jesus Christ, sir," Hugo spat. He pulled his helmet off to examine a body thrown against a wall, his head crooked on his neck. "Someone went to town on these guys."

"It was Shepard," Kaidan said shortly. "That was-"

A body slammed into him out of nowhere and Kaidan was knocked onto his ass, the wind forced out of him. They rolled for a moment, trading punches, and Kaidan saw him in a flash of light from Hugo's torch.

A drell's dark eyes glared at him, his hand's poised on Kaidan's throat, ready to squeeze.

"Who are you?" the drell barked. His voice was gravelly, like the drell he had spoken to during his time on Shepard's ship: Thane. He had respected Thane as a fellow warrior, but he had always been slightly suspicious of his past as an assassin, aware of the potential danger he posed to Shepard.

As soon as he noticed the way Thane watch her, though, his worries disappeared. He knew Thane wouldn't hurt her or let any harm come to her.

Not from a man who looked at a woman like _that._

This particular drell was off to a bad start in Kaidan's books. His black eyes had no hint of Thane's gentleness, his grip starting to choke him.

With a snarl, and a quick mnemonic, the drell was thrown into a wall. Hugo and Vasquez immediately trained their guns on him, while Kaidan held him suspended against the wall, biotic energy washing the hallway a stark blue.

"I'd ask the same question," Kaidan said quietly. "I'm here for Shepard. Who are you?"

The drell blinked at him, anger burning in his eyes.

"I won't tell you anything."

"Feron!"

A large blue wave cascaded down the corridor, Kaidan only had split seconds to shield himself with a barrier. Hugo and Vasquez tumbled over with the force of the biotic blast.

Kaidan raised his gun, prepared to shoot, but gaped in surprise when he saw the blue and white figure hurrying towards him.

"Liara?!"

Liara T'Soni lowered her hands.

"Kaidan. It's been a long time."

* * *

Kaidan sent Vasquez and Hugo back to the ship once he ascertained that the base was secure, empty of everyone except Liara and her drell friend, Feron.

Feron glared mutinously at him as Liara explained that Kaidan was an old friend, an Alliance man, and they had nothing to fear from him.

"Sorry about throwing you into a wall," Kaidan said bracingly, holding his hand out to him.

The drell huffed and disappeared into the shadows.

"Nice guy."

Liara shook her head. "He has been through a lot lately. I do not blame him. He's done much for me and Shepard. Be nice."

"I am nice," he protested.

She laughed. "Of course you are. Don't mind Feron." She gestured to him. "Walk with me. I presume you are here for Shepard?"

"Yes," he said, falling into step beside her, walking deeper into the bowels of the ship. "What is this place, Liara? What are you doing here? Where is Shepard?"

"This is the Shadow Broker's base. We killed him," she said so nonchalantly that Kaidan stopped for a moment before having to jog to catch up. "Because he hurt friends of ours, hurt innocent people, and he tried to hurt Shepard. We needed his information."

"What was Illium about, then?" he asked. "Vasir? Why did you kill her? Why did _Shepard _kill her?"

Liara's blue eyes glittered like the coldest sapphires. "She got in our way and she worked for the Broker. She was responsible for the Illium bombing and the hostage situation. She deserved what she got. She was ruthless, and dangerous."

"Liara, do you even hear yourself?"

Liara ignored him. "Shepard's gone. She left hours ago."

He rubbed a hand through his hair in frustration, glowering at the shadows on the ship walls.

"Dammit. I'm always just a step behind her. Where has she gone?"

Liara hesitated. "That's not my place to say, and I will not play a part in her being arrested, Commander. I know that's what you're here for. To drag her back to Earth in chains."

"No. Not in chains," he protested, reaching out to turn Liara around and face her fully. She glared at him and crossed her arms. "I'm trying to save her life, Liara. Why can't she see that? Cerberus is going to get her killed."

"She's not with Cerberus, Kaidan. Not anymore."

He scoffed. "Could have fooled me."

"She _is _fooling everyone. That's the point. Please," she begged, large eyes luminous. "Just... let her handle this. She knows what she's doing. It is dangerous for you to know. I am sorry. This information must be controlled, until it is safe. Earth is not safe for her. We both know Cerberus has agents there."

"Dangerous how? I'm not leaving her to the Illusive Man's poison. Not again. For god's sake, Liara! The Council has an order of "shoot to kill" if she's found! What do you expect me to do? Nothing? The fact is, everywhere is dangerous for Shepard right now. Earth and the trial is her best hope. At least in custody I can protect her, she can have armed guards."

Liara sighed and began walking. He felt a spark of anger at her attitude. Why couldn't she understand how much trouble Shepard was in? He was only doing this to save her.

Soon, they made it into the central living area, a large cavernous room with a broken ceiling. Kaidan eyed it curiously, wondering what on earth Shepard and Liara had been doing.

"I like what you've done with the place."

She smirked. "Thanks. Expensive but tasteful?"

"Very."

"Please, Kaidan. Just wait." Liara placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it, staring into his eyes, bold and assured, so very different to his memory of the young asari girl who trailed after Shepard like a lost puppy.

"The Alliance cannot know you were ever here, and they especially can't know that Shepard was here. You have no idea what Cerberus is capable of, how deep their spy networks go. The Illusive Man is watching her, watching her in ways you would not believe. And if he finds out that she has turned against him prematurely, then he will kill someone very important to her. We can't allow that to happen. She's... She is going to get in contact with you; when she is ready, when she feels safe."

He frowned. "Liara, you have to give me something to go on here. How can I just let Shepard go again? How can I know that she's alright? Nothing she's done in the past few weeks has been right, starting with the Alpha relay destruction. I'm no spy, and I wouldn't tell anyone who is a spy."

"Can you be sure of that? I mean, who can you really trust in the Alliance, aside from David Anderson? He's a Councillor now, with less insider knowledge. There are moles and this information is too sensitive to be shared around. The Illusive Man holds far more power over Shepard at the moment than you know. She is afraid, and she has good reason to be. There is a good reason Shepard is behaving this way, and there are good reasons she has not told you. She's just trying to protect everyone. Protect you."

There was a silence and Kaidan searched her face, finding nothing but sincerity, worry and a touch of fear there. He wondered what could make Liara this worried for Shepard, so worried that she wouldn't even trust _him _with the information.

"I think you've been an information broker too long, Liara. The person I knew two years ago wouldn't keep secrets."

"Little Wing has grown up, and she realizes how the world works," she snapped back. "Don't act like my big brother, because you're not. I am no child."

Kaidan's frustration bubbled over; his frustration with Shepard; with the secrets and lies; with the pressure on him; with old hurt for the time he'd been kept from Shepard.

The asari standing in front of him was the reason Shepard started her Cerberus associations in the first place; wrenched from death, and thrust back into the heat of battle with no time to breathe, and no escape.

"The Liara I knew wouldn't have kept my girlfriend's resurrection from me. Why did you do it?" he demanded, his voice rising a little. It was something he had been longing to say, to anyone, to Liara, to Shepard. "Why did I have to stand on Horizon and feel like my heart had been ripped out, like a ghost stood before me? You couldn't have emailed? Sent a text? What's your excuse? Shepard woke up alone, devoid of anyone and anything familiar."

Liara's mouth popped open, her eyes filling with tears, and he instantly felt guilty. "I-I have no excuse. I was afraid of what I had done. I couldn't let her go. I was selfish."

"You had no right to do what you did, Liara," he said, quiet and exhausted. "I spent two years pulling myself back together, and you knew the whole time that they were working on her. You knew how I felt about her back then. You walked in on us that one time."

She looked away, unable to deny that she was aware of their relationship.

Curiously, a blush stole up her cheeks, and he reached out to touch her arm, worried for a moment she was going to faint.

"Hey, you alright? You're not injured?"

She reeled back as if his touch burned her, and just for a second he saw a strange heat in her eyes; one that looked somehow familiar to him. Something he only ever saw in Shepard's eyes.

He snatched his hand back. "Sorry! I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

She took a deep breath, eyes glazed as if looking into another life. "I-It's alright. I was just…"

Her hand drifted to her middle, clutching it. "I was just lost in fragments of memories for a moment. Please forgive me, I'm tired and a bit overwhelmed at the moment."

Kaidan nodded stiffly, not letting her apparent exhaustion distract him. "You know what I would have done? About Shepard? I would have been there. I would have made sure they weren't hurting her, or putting a damn control chip in her head. Liara, you have no idea how far they went, what she was like a few months ago. I've never seen someone so depressed and angry."

"Don't you think I tried to stay with her?!" she cried. "Cerberus would not let me! You have no right to stand before me and lecture me, as if I'm some child! I did what I thought was right. And it is because of me that she is alive today. If you had your way, she would be dead."

Kaidan looked away, stung and unable to deny the truth. He had buried Shepard's corpse and tried in vain to move on with his life. An empty life.

"The Collectors would win," Liara continued. "The Reapers would win. I know exactly how far they went. Even more than you do. And I will live with that guilt for the rest of my thousand year life. I take no pleasure in it."

He rubbed a hand on the back of his neck, trying to relieve the headache building. "I understand, but your regret doesn't change anything. I'm standing here trying to help Shepard, and you're refusing - keeping more secrets."

Liara's face screwed up in anger, her freckles (that suddenly reminded him of Shepard's light dusting across her cheeks and nose) stark on her face.

"By her request! You're not her father, or her white knight. Shepard is making her own choices and I am respecting them."

"I respected her enough to try and let her rest, rather than handing her over to terrorists," he fired back, annoyed.

"Kaidan, I used to think of you as a good friend. I still do. You will thank me some day. You have no idea what Cerberus has done for you."

"I'm done, Liara. I just want to find Shepard and take her away from Cerberus, take her back home. Where is she?"

She sighed, walking over to her bank of consoles and tapping her nails against the screen, as if in deep consideration.

The room hushed, and he found himself holding his breath.

"Demeter in Sigurd's Cradle," she finally said. "She has gone on a mission. If you find her, I hope she will tell you everything. I do respect her, and her choices, and it's not my place to tell you. If you hurry you can still catch her."

"Tell me what?"

She took a deep breath, wetting her lips with her azure tongue, considering her words carefully. "That Cerberus has shades of grey and...hope can be found in the smallest things. That some things, some people, are worth fighting for."

"Grey, huh?" he sighed, wishing he wasn't so familiar with hard choice.

She nodded once, watching him with a pity he couldn't understand.

"I'm leaving to try and catch her," he said, already turning to run. "Thanks for the tip."

"Please...don't judge her too harshly. Be gentle with her," she called.

"Always."

* * *

"Shepard, the Illusive Man wishes to speak with you in the briefing room."

Shepard lurched out of bed at the sound of EDI's voice, still naked, groggy and confused.

"What? Why? How far are we from Demeter?"

"He did not say. It is likely he wants to give you further orders. We are five hours from Demeter. Jeff cleared the second mass relay three hours ago while you were sleeping."

"OK," she mumbled, desperately trying to throw some clothes on and pull her mind away from the crying child in her dream. "OK. I just need to act the part. Shouldn't be too hard. Five more hours and this is all over with," she said, more to herself than EDI.

She brushed her hair quickly, raking her fingers through it and lamenting the lengths it had grown to. It now edged down her shoulders in thick waves, and stray strands fell in her eyes. She gave up on it, deciding that the Illusive Man wasn't worth the effort.

Down in the briefing room, the Illusive Man frowned as she scanned into the QEC, eyeing her ragged attire and exhausted face.

"You don't look like a proper Cerberus agent. I expect you to dress like Miranda, and present yourself accordingly. My female agents have a dress code. No exceptions. And since you are now one of them... Next time, dress appropriately. Brush your hair. Put some makeup on. I like the red lipstick on you. I'll send you some more appropriate attire."

His eyes lingered on her lips and Shepard shifted.

"Noted. I'm sorry. I was tired and didn't want to be late for the meeting."

He flicked ash over the side of his chair, eyes gleaming. "No excuses."

She swallowed her rage, cursing him internally. She was going to shoot him. And she was going to enjoy the light leaving his eyes.

"I called the meeting because I have new orders for you. I'm sending them to your terminal. There's a high ranking Alliance admiral I want you to assassinate."

"What?" she blurted. "You must be kidding. You can't go around assassinating admirals. The Alliance will come after you with a vengeance."

He laughed, a small, humorless dry wheeze. "Cerberus has already assassinated an admiral and yet here we stand, stronger than ever."

"Kahoku," she breathed.

"Yes. There is nothing to stand in our way, and we have been amassing power slowly as you worked to defeat the Collectors. With recent breakthroughs retrieved from beyond the Omega 4 Relay, we will soon have an army to rival the Alliance." He smiled, showing his straight white teeth. "You've picked the winning side, Shepard."

"You're insane."

"And you're in no position to argue. Shall we have a check-in to remind you of your responsibilities?"

Shepard's heart lurched as the vid screen lit up behind him, and Miles swum into view, clear as if he were right in front of her and she could reach out and touch him.

"Hey, there," she said softly. "How you doing, baby?"

He lay on his side, sucking the ear of his bear, his eyes drooping with tiredness. They fluttered when he heard her voice, his eyes searching out the camera and the kind voice which came from it. His mouth quirked in a cheeky smile, and Shepard was suddenly thrown back nearly three years ago. She thought of the first time Kaidan smiled at her shyly in the med bay after Eden Prime.

Her stomach started rebelling. She wished she could run and find somewhere to throw up, or cry, but settled for subtly pressing a hand to her bruises and letting the pain ground her.

She carefully blanked her expression, meeting the Illusive Man's eyes in a challenge. She knew, though, that he wasn't fooled. He'd seen the flash of heartbreak on her face and knew he had her.

"He's had the sniffles," the Illusive Man said with a smirk. "Very exhausting for small bodies. It would be a shame if he was overwhelmed by a common cold after surviving so much, wouldn't it?"

"Give me a name and the admiral is dead," she said instantly, knowing that if everything went to plan, in less than six hours she would have Miles pressed against her, and nothing would ever part them again.

"Admiral Johnston."

"I know him. I met him when I was a lieutenant. He'll be dead within three days."

"Good, good," the Illusive Man said, smiling. "That's the attitude Cerberus wants, and that's the attitude that will get you everything you desire. You're a mustang, which must be tamed for your own good. I will break you in."

She clenched her fist at her side, feeling the nails spilt the skin of her palms. _You won't mount me. _

He took another sip of his drink, the ice clinking in it like a drill in Shepard's brain. She was sure that she would never be able to hear that sound again without being reminded of the snake in front of her, holding her hostage.

"Speaking of desires... Commander Alenko has been rather erratic in his search. Tell me, why has he recently visited Illium, and why does it coincide with the death of Tela Vasir?"

Panic rushed ice cold through Shepard's brains. Her next words had to fool him. Her heart felt as if it would pound out of her chest, and sickly sweat slipped down her back.

"I have had no contact with Commander Alenko," she lied, her voice cool. "I don't know Tela Vasir, other than the fact she's a fellow Spectre. Did Kaidan kill her?" she asked innocently, tasting something like sour terror in her mouth. "That doesn't sound like him at all."

The Illusive Man's gaze narrowed.

Shepard stared back at him, her face impassive.

He blinked.

"That's what we're trying to establish. Our spy network is weak on Illium, too many information brokers guard their secrets jealously and half the cops are already on the take, hard to buy off."

"For the record," she said. "I don't think Kaidan would kill her. I don't know what he's doing though. I'm sorry, I can't help you there."

"If he becomes a threat to you, we will execute him, Shepard. You must realize this. Cerberus protects its assets. You're a very valuable asset."

She licked her lips, dropping her calm act for a moment to show the Illusive Man some emotion. Too much calm and he wouldn't buy it.

"Let me handle Kaidan, I promise he's not a threat to me."

"His determination to bring you in says otherwise. We have lost track of him, but it's possible he obtained information somewhere that will lead to you." He gestured to the baby sleeping on the holoscreen. "If you allow yourself to be arrested, Shepard, your child is dead. Do you understand?"

"I understand."

"I will forward the information on the admiral to your terminal. Dismissed."

The screen winked out, one last glimpse of Miles before she saw him in the flesh for the first time.

Shepard walked silently out of the briefing room. She stopped in the hallway between the armoury and the science lab, leant against the wall and stuffed her fist in her mouth; trying to prevent the great heaving breaths and threatening panic attack from bursting loose.

Her stomach mutinied, and unable to stop it, she wretched the remains of her meagre breakfast onto the floor. She wheezed and spluttered. Angry tears leaked from her eyes, squeezed out by her violent reaction.

So close. So close to being discovered. So close for all the suffering to be worth nothing, so close to seeing her boy become a corpse again.

* * *

They gathered in the shuttle bay.

Her friends, her loved ones, her soldiers, her sisters, her brothers, the people she trusted, the people she clashed with; the people who stood with her when the rest of the galaxy turned its back.

Shepard's armor gleamed having spent hours cleaning it, tweaking it, making it ready for the most important personal mission of her life.

Everyone stood before her, all ready to climb into the shuttle that would take them down to Demeter while Joker distracted the fighters, providing them with covering fire against the AA guns.

Their plan was elegant in its simplicity: shoot anyone Cerberus and holding a gun. Bash down the doors. Run and run and run, until she had Miles in her arms, and every single person who hurt him was dead. Then escape, escape back to reason and sanity, escape somewhere safe with her little boy and take a moment to breathe.

"Soldiers," she began, and then corrected herself. "_Friends_. You've been with me during the most personally trying time in my life, and I won't forget it. I'm honored and privileged to have you by my side. I'll keep this short. We don't have much time."

They all shifted, excited, nervous and uneasy to varying degrees. Grunt was practically shivering with suppressed bloodlust. Garrus watched her seriously, his eyes giving her all the support she needed. Kasumi looked scared but grimly determined, and Samara's kind eyes promised pain to all who stood in her way.

"They wear a Cerberus uniform, and they point a weapon at you? They die. But no shooting anyone who looks like a civilian or a non-combatant scientist. We have no way of knowing who has been coerced into this, who thinks they're working on a simple project, alright? I trust you to use your discretion, but appropriate use of force is paramount. We must not become those we abhor. You understand, Grunt?" she asked pointedly. "This is not a massacre. This is a raid with one purpose – to retrieve my boy. He is the objective, not revenge."

Jack sighed. "Shepard, no one is innocent down there."

"We don't know that, Jack. Just...try not to shoot people cowering against walls. We aren't monsters like Cerberus," she said darkly, glaring at Jack in warning. Miranda shifted uneasily.

"Shepard?" Joker called. "You might wanna get in the shuttle and get ready to go. We'll be dropping out of FTL in a few minutes."

They clamoured into the shuttle and Shepard felt the tell-tale shift of FTL ending.

As Jacob climbed into the pilot's seat, she switched on the HUD to watch EDI's read-out of the situation.

Demeter was a great, green planet almost reminiscent of Earth, aside from the unusually high gravity which prevented any serious colonization efforts. The only buildings were Cerberus prefabs, constructed under special gravity generating domes to cancel out the bone-crushing effects of the atmosphere.

EDI had given her a report on it earlier, explaining even the elcor had avoided colonization as it was far too isolated out in the Terminus, and Sigurd's Cradle was notorious for slavers, criminal activity, and unexplained disappearances. There were so many lost crafts in this region of space that it had a reputation of being the 'Space Bermuda Triangle.'

Shepard idly wondered what it was out here that caused so many to be lost. Surely not Cerberus, their Project Changeling operations were only months old.

"Let's hope they don't notice us," Jacob muttered as he steered the shuttle out into space, and towards the planet.

"Oh shit," Zaeed cursed. "I think you spoke too soon, fly-boy. We got goddamn fighters incoming."

Cerberus fighters blinked red on the HUD and Shepard snarled with anger. "They must have an early warning system of some kind down there that can see through the _Normandy_ stealth cloaking. It makes sense. Cerberus built her. They'd want to know how to see through her. The Illusive Man must have been scared I would find this place."

"I got your back," Joker called over the comm. "You just go rescue that kid so I can teach him how to fly like a master. I'll keep these amateurs away from you, and EDI will work on disabling the AA gun remotely. No promises though, so try not to get hit."

"Thanks, Joker!" Shepard called back. "We'll radio for pickup. Be ready to book it outta here on my word."

"Gotcha. Joker, out."

"Go easy, Jacob," Shepard said as she watched the _Normandy_ twirl gracefully towards the incoming fighters, drawing them off and away from the shuttle. Predictably, they took the bait, following the _Normandy_ away from the planet and clearing their path to Miles. "We still have to watch the AA guns."

"No worries, Shepard. We used to do this kind of thing all the time in the Cosairs."

She raised an impressed eyebrow. "Really?"

He laughed. "No, not really. This situation is pretty unique. But I did have a lot of practice as a pilot. Not as good as Joker, but I'll get you and the kid back home to the _Normandy_, safe and sound."

"Thanks, Jake," she said with a smile, squeezing his shoulder. "I'm a lousy pilot."

"Yeah, Shepard. I've seen you drive!" Garrus catcalled from the back, packed in like a sardine with the rest of their motley crew, his face almost smooshed into the front of Grunt's chest. The krogan snarled uneasily and Legion's head flap fluttered.

"Shepard-Commander, the krogan's heart rate is elevated. It does not like confined spaces."

"Hey, I'm an excellent driver!" she responded to Garrus with a cheeky wink. "Sorry, Legion, I can't help it."

"We are not perturbed. The concept of bodily space is meaningless to geth. We dislike being alone, and prefer the comfort of consensus."

Tali laughed at Shepard. "Yeah. Excellent at getting us stuck up cliffs in the Mako."

Kasumi giggled. "Not everyone can handle a stick, don't worry, Shep."

"You know..." she sighed, "everyone is a critic. I did a very good job and," she glared at Kasumi and gave her a saucy wink that had more giggles bursting forth, "I'm _great _with _sticks_, Kas. It's a military tank, not a luxury skycar. That one time I let LT- I mean Kaidan drive, we ended up flipping. Twice! I was the best at driving out of the whole group, admit it."

"Alright, maybe," Garrus conceded. "Still doesn't mean we're gonna let you drive the_ Normandy_ any day soon."

"Yeah, yeah," she said, distracted as they broke atmosphere, the funny bubbly, nervous feeling back in her stomach. She shoved the nausea down this time. "Alright, people. This is it. No last minute pep talk. You know what we need to do, so do it."

The planet spread before them, verdant and overgrown, the trees warped into funny shapes, the pressure of gravity making them gnarled and eerily twisted. It was almost oppressive to Shepard, and for a moment she childishly empathized with the trees, bowing under a weight they couldn't handle.

A shot rent the air, fired from an AA gun, startling her thoughts from their grim direction. She lurched back, clutching the straps on the shuttle roof to anchor her, just as Jacob swerved at the last moment.

"Shit," Shepard swore. "Alright get to the ground ASAP, break through their environmental dome and let us out, then I want you to retreat to a safe distance and wait for pickup."

"Shepard, you're gonna need all the muscle you can get down there, I want to come with you," Jacob protested, steering the shuttle to the ground as swiftly as possible. "You need my gun."

"Taylor's right," Mordin piped up. "Will take over as pilot. Less useful in a fight. Am excellent pilot. Can also prepare first aid, and care for child. May not be healthy. Lab no place for a child to grow. Can be ready."

"You're sure, Mordin? You can fly?"

"Of course!" He breathed in a little offended puff of air. "Did lots of piloting in STG. Always came home alive." He paused. "Well…some scratches and dents. Shuttle mostly intact."

The shuttle shuddered at they broke through the thin mass effect force field surrounding the Cerberus cluster of buildings. It shuddered, but held firm. Shepard heard alarms begin to blare and security guards; much like the ones she'd seen dead so many months ago on Lazarus station; pour out of the building, their guns raised in confusion.

"Right!" she barked to Mordin. "That's the plan. As soon as we land, get out of here and wait for my radio call. Then you come get us. Boots on the ground, people!" she called, and they all bundled to the back door as the shuttle hit the grassy clearing. "Let's do this thing."

Shepard marvelled as Grunt tore out of the shuttle first, barreling into a guard and sending him flying, snatching his gun out of his hand in the same movement, and whacking it into another guard's face.

"Gotta love krogan," she laughed. "Way to make your momma proud."

Thane, Legion and Garrus were out next, the two men and geth scampering up into the high places. They settled themselves on top of crates piled in the courtyard, and in Legion's case, on top of the building itself. Shepard blinked. One minute he was on the ground, the next he was on the roof; sniping and protecting his comrades from guard fire with a well-aimed bullet.

"Scratch one!" Garrus called. "How you doing, Thane? I'm up to five already."

"Six," Thane answered, using his biotics to throw another guard across the clearing. "The goddess Arashu is with me today, as she is with you, Shepard."

Shepard ran across the clearing, leading the rest of the team out. She heard the metallic slide of Kasumi's sword being unsheathed behind her and turned to give her a feral grin.

"Why's that, Thane?" Shepard asked as she grabbed a guard by the throat, used her momentum to spin and drive him into the ground with the full force of her muscles. She raised her fist above her head, trailing blue fire as she did so, and drove it into his head, killing him instantly.

Not pausing for a moment, she spun and flicked her hands. A Singularity burst into life in the middle of the clearing. It picked up heavy crates, men, rocks, anything in its path. She watched with satisfaction as Jacob lined up a guard and shoved him into it, instantly taken out of the fight.

"Nice work, Shepard! I've never seen a Singularity like that. You really need to give me some pointers."

"Why thank you, Jacob."

"Arashu is the goddess of motherhood and protection," Thane replied simply. "Cerberus has transgressed, and will be punished."

"Oh, OK," Shepard shrugged, sliding across the ground and somersaulting to avoid the thrust of another guard's gun at her head. Kasumi was there in a second, a swift swing of her blade taking his head cleanly off.

"Tsk, tsk, Shepard," she chided, laughing. Shepard saw the tight creases around her eyes, her pursed lips, and knew that Kasumi was forcing herself to laugh, lest she look at the wet mess on the ground and become afraid. "Can't handle a stick. Can't handle a sword. Must I do everything myself?"

Shepard grinned at her teasing, holding a hand out and pulling three guards towards her with a wave of her hand.

"That's right. Poor little me. Guess I'll just have to rely on my brain powers." She sighed with mock-gravitas, three burly men screaming as they flew by her, flailing through the air in her biotic grip. "Such a hard life when you don't even need a tiny baby sword to kick ass."

"It's OK," Kasumi replied, teaming up with Zaeed to drive back three more guards who were trying to dog-pile onto Grunt. He was wrestling with ten other men. "I'll handle Commander Alenko's stick for you. I only want to make your burdens easy to bear."

"You're all heart, Kasumi."

The fight in the courtyard was over quickly. Shepard looked around, gathering her blood-spattered team. The sirens blared in her ears and, pushing open the door to the entrance, the start of her life as a parent began; bathed in blood and chaos as it was the day he'd been born.

Miranda's face was puce colored. Shepard eyed her with mild concern.

"Are you alright? Were you hit?" she whispered as they headed down the unnaturally white, hushed hallways. "You look like you're gonna heave."

"I threw up earlier. I-I just can't believe I'm going to see him again. He's probably grown so much. He used to be so little and sweet. He's a big boy now."

Shepard felt a stabbing pain lance her heart and a terrible jealousy heat her cheeks.

"Oh, how hard for you. Imagine. Meeting him, _again_. Fuck off, Miranda. He's mine and Kaidan's son. Not yours."

She reeled back, stung by the fury in Shepard's voice. "Of course. I-I'm sorry." She shook her head. "I-I…I'm just nervous."

"Welcome to the damn club."

* * *

_Thanks for reading, lovelies. If you're still with me on this very long journey, I would love to hear your thoughts. ;)_


	42. Confrontation

_CW: violence. _

* * *

Shepard threw a guard into the wall, then grasped his head and smashed it into the concrete. He fell to the ground in a boneless heap, blood streaming from his forehead.

She didn't know if he was dead or alive and she certainly didn't bother to check. He had almost shot Kasumi.

She stood panting for a moment and then motioned to the rest of her squad.

They'd been fighting for an hour or two, whittling away at the garrisoned Cerberus force. Alarms blared continuously, making Shepard's ears ring, but she'd ordered Legion to hack into their systems and disable it, and _finally_, _blessedly_, the alarms stopped.

The corridors of Demeter base had proven difficult, purposely built to confuse intruders. Perhaps the Illusive Man had designed it like this as a defense against a Collector strike, but Shepard doubted it would have stopped them. Not when they were directed by Harbinger, and he wanted her dead, controlled or to possess her DNA. No wonder the Illusive Man had been paranoid enough to have AA guns and a small squadron of fighters. Shepard didn't know for certain but she thought her mother had died years ago. Miles was her only blood relative in the whole galaxy.

The thought was sobering. She found herself frowning, not realizing until Garrus shot her a quizzical look.

"It's nothing," she whispered. "I'm fine."

She stifled a nervous bubble of laughter. It was strange to find herself not completely alone. She had a family, sure. The _Normandy_ crew was her family. Kaidan was her family.

But now there was a small boy in existence that was half her, half of what made her who she was.

Shepard shook her head and refocused. Now was not the time to dwell on what that meant…or who his other half belonged to, half of her favorite person. She was probably now his_ least_ favorite anyway.

The facility was narrow and winding, with many side doors leading to smaller labs, and they often held surprise pockets of Cerberus resistance with limited space to fire automatic weapons. More and more, Shepard found herself using her heavy pistol, afraid of accidentally catching a team member in a biotic throw.

Despite Cerberus' climate control, the air became cooler. As they moved further into the facility, she noted they were moving gradually underground by the slight slope of the corridors. Half of the facility was buried beneath the earth, the way an iceberg hid most of its bulk under the water.

She thought that what waited for them below was just as dangerous as frigid arctic depths.

She worried at her lip as she ran, scared for what that meant for Miles, lost so deep underground. It wasn't right. Kids were meant to grow up free and happy, under the sun and in fresh air.

"Alright, we're too big a target moving as a group and these corridors are too narrow. Cerberus will funnel us," she said pensively, gazing down the long halls that wound like a long and dangerous poisonous snake. "Lawson," she turned to her, "Do you know where Miles will be held? I'll send most of the squad to hold their forces off and cover the exit and escape path. They can hold the line for us."

Miranda nodded. "Yes, a smaller team is best. He'll be towards the center, in the labs. There should be a special nursery of some kind, most likely further underground in the secure areas. We'll have to break through."

"I'll come with you," said Jacob. "I used to be a security guard. I know the way, if it's similar to a normal Cerberus compound."

Shepard nodded. "Alright. Garrus, Samara, Miranda and Jacob, you're with me." They nodded and stepped to her side. She turned to the remaining crew. "Do some damage. I want them distracted from us, especially when we retrieve the objective, I mean, the baby. We can't get bunkered down into a fire fight. Keep the way clear."

A chorus of agreement rang out and there was a smattering of weapon reloads and war cries.

"Move out!" she called as more Cerberus soldiers rounded the corridor. Grunt took her order to heart and charged.

"Run, Battlemaster!" he yelled. "I'll kill all the pyjaks here."

Shepard didn't hesitate, but fled with her smaller squad further into the stark halls and deep beneath the ground.

As she, jogged she tapped her earpiece. "Joker? Joker, report."

"Shepard…took some fire…" came a static-laced reply. "Alright… Fighters strafe…EDI... 'nother ship… Alliance."

"Joker, say again."

The hiss of the empty line was her response.

"Dammit!"

"Comms are cutting out," Garrus said. "Maybe they're shielded, or it's simply because we're underground now?"

Jacob nodded. "My creds are on shielding. Lotta tech here. Lazarus Station was the same. No way could the Alliance be allowed to find it."

"We should still have tight beam communications with the rest of the squad and to Mordin, but signals out into space to the _Normandy_ are blocked," Miranda explained, barely winded as she kept pace with Shepard, the fastest of the group. "I'm sorry. I thought, as isolated as Demeter is, that we wouldn't have this trouble and the Illusive Man wouldn't bother. I should have known he always bothers," she muttered.

"Alright," Shepard said. "We get Miles. We get out. We take the shuttle and break atmosphere and get picked up. Doesn't matter about communications. We can handle it."

Resistance became more sporadic the further in they moved, darkened labs and quiet offices that no doubt held terrified scientists cowering beneath their desks.

She didn't bother them, focused only on the soldiers who bared arms.

After what must have been only ten minutes of a brisk pace, they came across heavier resistance and she knew they must be close. The air was oppressive, pressing in on her, almost thick and soupy. Shepard couldn't tell if it was just her anxiety made manifest or a side effect of being buried under miles of earth.

For a moment, her mind drifted to how Miles' life had begun, among the stars, with her and Kaidan… And how it had ended, among those very stars. She thought, with a rueful quirk of her lips, that he was a true Spacer unlike her and Kaidan, the Earthborns. Still, she would have preferred him being born on that cesspool, Earth, rather than on a Cerberus space station and hidden from her.

She wanted him back in the stars. It was where he belonged. With her. With Kaidan. In the little ship they called home, with her _family. _

The halls were harsh and bare. Shepard imagined doctors dressed in white prodding and poking him, walking him up and down the corridors, his screams of distress rattling off the walls.

Jack would be having a field day with the other team. Three times already Shepard had been forced to rein her in for using undue amounts of force.

She had to move faster.

As Shepard inexorably drew soldiers into her gravity well for Samara to detonate and Garrus to shoot, she glanced at a large frosted glass door ahead, and knew in her heart of hearts that was where he lay.

Miranda confirmed as such. She nodded towards the doors, swiping her omni-tool through the air and fried the Cerberus soldiers's guns. "In there, Shepard. I'm sure of it. That's the main lab."

The resistance quelled. Shepard nodded towards Garrus, her heart pounding, her palms sweaty and her mouth dry.

Miranda and Jacob took up position on one side of the door, and Garrus and Samara took the other, with Shepard poised in the middle.

"Breach," Shepard whispered, and Miranda punched the switch.

The door slid open and she was greeted by a little boy screaming silently behind a force field, as if contained on a tiny planet of his own.

She suddenly remembered the book buried underneath a shirt, concealed in her bedside drawer, hoping that by hiding it, she could also hide Kaidan from her heart. How could she, though? How could she leave Kaidan behind when she had a reminder of him right in front of her, flesh and blood, a perfect window to two years ago and how everything had just felt so right?

She thought bitterly of how blind to the irony she had been of reading a children's book about a lost boy, alone on his planet, and how she had remained ignorant to the one who belonged to her.

There was a sharp movement in the shadowed corner of the lab. Shepard raised her gun.

A female scientist stood, clutching something in one hand, and a pistol trained on Shepard with the other.

"Drop your weapon," the doctor demanded, with a shaky voice and even shakier hands. Her bottle-blonde hair shined sickly in the lab's austere lighting. "I hold a kill switch in my hand. He's contained in an impenetrable bubble, canisters of toxic gas planted inside the crib. I'll kill him if you don't stand down."

In later years, Shepard would wake sweating and shaking in the night over this moment, marveling at her boldness, taken aback by the pure raged that pounded through her body.

An anger such as she'd never known rushed in her ears. Time slowed, narrowed onto her son's screaming, red face and the woman who threatened to poison him; threatened to burn his lungs with gas, put him down as if he was an animal.

Shepard reacted in spilt seconds, dark energy on her fist, and darker energy in her eyes, more fury and horrible vengeance than maternal affection for her son.

She hadn't felt so angry since her confrontation with Vasir. Samara's comfort fled her mind, leaving only the darkness.

She lay down in the darkness and let it wash over her limbs and fill her very pores.

She punched the air, simultaneously wrapping another tendril of biotic energy around the scientist's hand clutching the kill switch.

The scientist flew through the air into a wall and something cracked sickeningly. The kill switch sailed harmlessly into Shepard's hand, neutralized by the biotic force swirling around it and preventing the button being depressed.

Shepard thrust the switch at Jacob who instantly disabled it, and then, almost mindless with rage, an animal herself, she marched past the bubble and to the fallen scientist.

She fisted her hands into the woman's lab coat and dragged her upright. The scientist moaned weakly, her head covered in blood, but still alive and conscious.

"Kill switch?" Shepard hissed. "Kill switch? You know what? I have a kill switch, too," she snarled, raising her fist to drive it through the scientist's skull. "My kill switch is _him_." She jerked her head to the crying baby.

"Shepard, enough!" Miranda yelled, grabbing her hand just before she thrust it forward. Shepard struggled.

"Let me go, Miranda," she spat. "I'll kill her!"

"No! Your son is crying. He is upset. He needs his mother. The first time he sees her should not be her _murdering another human being in cold blood_. Enough! It's over."

The words were a gush of ice water over Shepard's head. She stopped struggling for a moment, and glanced at Miles.

Kaidan's eyes but her coloring stared at her with a strange child-like solemnness, tears streaming down his face.

She was across the room in seconds, the scientist left to slowly die or drift unconscious.

"OK, I'm sorry, baby," she muttered. "I'm sorry. Let's get you out of there. Jake, Garrus, help?"

The two men worked at the controls of Miles' force field, chattering between them, running numbers and specifications she couldn't catch or make sense of.

In the distance a boom sounded.

"It appears as though the other team or Cerberus blew something up," Samara said serenely, but blanched moments later when the fire extinguishing system in the ceiling began drenching them in water.

"And fucking lit shit on fire," Shepard sighed, resigned to her life never going smoothly. Thick smoke began wafting from the air con vents and water plastered her hair to her face.

Garrus sniffed the air experimentally as his three fingers flew over the console's keyboard. "Smells toxic, like chemicals. We need to move," he said to Jacob, typing faster to crack the force field. "We're too deep underground. It'll get deadly quick."

Seconds, and minutes trickled by, Miles still crying silently and Shepard snapped.

"Fuck this," she snarled, smoke starting to tickle her throat. "This is taking too long. I'll do it myself."

Her amp humming loudly in protest, Shepard gathered every ounce of biotic strength she was capable of and then thrust her hands into the force field, forcing it apart with sheer force of will and unnatural talent and strength.

"_Stupid. Fucking. Force field_," she bit out through painfully clenched teeth, her whole body vibrating with effort.

"Shepard, you're going to hurt yourself," Samara warned, but she paid no heed.

There was a strange squealing sound, the lights in the room flickered for a moment, and then the force field sputtered and died. The back of her neck warmed unbearably for a moment, seemingly on fire, sweat pouring down her face.

Shepard let go, knowing a stroke was imminent if she pushed her mind and body any further.

The sounds of a very upset child filled the room, freed of his dome of solitude.

The sounds; so _real_ and _alive_ and _right in front of her_; sent waves of panic through Shepard.

Finally. After so long.

All the secrets, lies, doubts, suffering… All the love she had experienced with Kaidan condensed into one small tangible package. Shepard just had to reach forward.

Sweat trickled down Shepard's spine, her hands shook, and not just from all the effort she had put into breaking the dome.

The squad's eyes were all on her, watching her expectantly, waiting for her to pick up Miles but she froze; a sudden stage fright she had never experienced before paralyzed her limbs.

She was all gut instinct, reacting rather than being proactive. That was how she lived her life. She didn't give herself time to think, unlike Kaidan who always weighed up the pros and cons.

But now, her whole life of living on instinct and feelings fled, leaving only a sickly disquiet behind as his cries pierced her eardrums.

She was suddenly horribly and inexplicably terrified, her limbs stiff and unresponsive.

Miles' cries dragged on and on, his nose snotty, his face red, his small singlet drenched in sweat and tears. His hands fussed, reaching for his teddy bear, the only comfort he knew.

And Shepard watched, frozen in place as surely as she was frozen in space two years ago.

"For god's sake," Miranda spat, and reached forward to pick him up, cradling him gently as if she did it every day, her hands steady. "There, there, sweetheart. Mommy's here now."

_How dare you? He's not yours. You're not his mother!_ Her stasis-held mind screamed at Miranda, wanting to strangle her, before she did something that shocked her.

She turned, reached out with one arm full of baby, and deposited Miles into Shepard's arms.

Shepard clutched him dumbly; his warm weight and soft body something wholly unfamiliar and maybe long forgotten. Miranda grabbed her limp hand and guided it to the baby's back. It was soft and firm. She could feel his rapid breaths beneath her palms.

"There," Miranda crooned. "There you are, sweetie. This is your Mom, OK? She's got you. She came for you. She wouldn't leave you behind; she couldn't. See, Shepard? You've got to support the head, and firmly hold him. Gently though, like this. It's so he feels safe. Babies get scared and they cry a lot."

Shepard nodded dumbly, following Miranda's instructions until Miles' head was cocooned against her neck, his soft breaths warm on her skin. Only occasional hiccups and the odd teary cry broke the sudden, ringing silence. His hands fretted at her armor, and she used one hand to hold his, comforting him. Her glove was so large and rough next to his hand.

Something strange came over her then.

Something warm, an unbearable tightness in her heart, like it was full of too much blood, or was beating too fast to measure.

"He…he stopped crying," she whispered with wonder, ghosting his bald head with her nose, feeling the tiny wisps of hair just growing back, smelling his baby scent before finally looking up at Miranda who nodded and smiled slightly.

"He was just scared, Shepard. All he wanted was for you to come and tell him it was going to be OK." She looked down for a moment, and then smiled wanly at Shepard, tears bright in her lovely blue eyes. "He didn't need me. He needed _you_."

Shepard opened her mouth to respond, but Miranda's eyes widened in horror.

"No!" she screamed in a voice Shepard had never heard before.

A sudden gunshot rent the air, and blood spattered Shepard's face as she was knocked to the ground by Miranda, frantically trying to fall so she cradled the baby and didn't crush him.

She rolled, examining him for injuries as a shot from Garrus' rifle rang out and the room fell quiet again.

Miranda lay on the floor, too…

A bloody hole in her chest, a bullet lodged in her body that had been meant for Shepard and Miles, fired from the dying scientist's pistol.

* * *

The _Tobruk _fell out of FLT over Demeter to be greeted by the _Normandy_ flying in intricate patterns, a small fleet of Cerberus fighters behind it, narrowly missing the mass accelerated fire from the fighters.

Kaidan frowned as Flight lieutenant Chan pulled up the HUD layout of the battlefield and hit the comm.

"_Normandy_?" he hailed. "This is the SSV Tobruk. Do you require assistance?"

"Well, would you look who the cat dragged in?" Joker drawled. "Staff Commander Alenko. Long time no see. Or should I call you Spectre Hard Ass now?"

"Joker," he snapped. "You have fighters on your ass. You want help or not?"

"Nah, EDI and I are good. Your ship sucks. The _Normandy _is better." He coughed as Kaidan heard EDI chide him. "We took some fire, actually. I fucked up," he sighed. "So yeah, please fire away and get Cerberus off our ass."

"Aye, aye," Kaidan acknowledged. He gave Chan and the weapon's officer leave to fire at the fighters, scattering them away from the _Normandy_ and destroying at least one.

EDI's melodious voice came over the comm. "It would be more accurate to say _we_ 'fucked up,' Jeff."

"You don't make mistakes, EDI," he argued. "I miscalculated a turn."

"Structural integrity?" Kaidan questioned. "The crew can evacuate to the _Tobruk _if needed. We are ready to render assistance."

"No, no," Joker replied. "No 'rendering' required, Commander. We're fine. Just need to divert some power. EDI's working on it, but shields are weak. Hull's fine. With those fighters scared off, we're just waiting on Shepard. Hope she hurries her ass up. Those fighters will be back."

"Where is she?" Kaidan asked, feeling like that was a question he was getting very sick of.

He was starting to wonder if he should think of her as the Elusive Woman. She certainly haunted enough of his dreams and flittered on the periphery of his waking hours.

"I lost contact with Shepard. You might wanna check in with her down on the ground. You know. Might find some interesting things. That is, if you aren't going to arrest her and be a total dick. Got it? No arresting. Just talking."

Chan raised her eyebrow at Kaidan, maybe scandalized at Joker's disrespectful tone. Kaidan shrugged helplessly at her as if to say, 'that's Joker for you.'

He took a deep breath and did something he didn't make a habit of.

He lied through his teeth to Joker.

"I won't arrest her. Just talking. Give me the coordinates."

"Wait…" Joker began suspiciously. "How did you find us?"

"Liara."

"Oh, right."

There was a pause and Kaidan could tell now that Joker was thinking about it, he must have realized what Kaidan was here to do and suspected his true motivation.

To take Shepard to Earth.

"Look, Kaidan. I know we haven't been great pals lately, but seriously, man, you've got to listen to her. Don't arrest her. Give the poor woman some time to breathe before she has to sacrifice even more for the galaxy. She just wants some personal time. Make up any excuse. Just tell the Council and the Brass to hold on for a week."

"You just can't tell the Council to 'hold on', Joker," Kaidan sighed. "Even if I could dissuade them, I'm not sure I should. Shepard needs to be back on Earth."

"Seriously, dude. Don't arrest her. I'll kick your ass if you do. She's going to come in. Just on her terms."

"Her 'terms' so far have led to Alliance men in hospital because she gave them concussions," Kaidan fired back. "A dead Spectre, a dead Shadow Broker, three-hundred thousand dead batarians, a reputation as a staunch Cerberus agent, a shoot to kill order by the Council, whispers of treason charges by the Alliance and a whole lot of distrust, Joker. I think I'm _done_ playing by her 'terms'.

He could almost hear Joker's wince over the comm. "OK, yeah, that does sound bad. Would it help if I said she did those things for totally good reasons? And really, what's some treason between friends?"

Kaidan sighed, not willing to humor Joker. "I'm going to find her and she can tell me. Send the coordinates and I'll go retrieve her."

"She won't let you take her yet, you know. She just wants to see him for a few days at least."

"See who?" he asked, ignoring a lance of jealously he felt at the word 'him'. So that was it. Shepard really had moved on to someone else and was fighting arrest to stay with him.

Joker groaned. "Oh, no, no. See, I'm not playing this game and I'm not sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, man. I already fucked up so badly with this whole thing. She has my support and I'm not letting her down again."

"Fine," Kaidan snapped as his terminal beeped with Shepard's coordinates. "I'll go talk to her."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just be fricking- Hang on, who's that?"

Kaidan frowned and looked down at the HUD as another Alliance ship dropped out of FTL over Demeter.

He recognized it immediately. It was his old posting – Carlin's ship.

"Shit."

He quickly hit the comm.

"Major Carlin, sir. What are you doing here?"

He couldn't quite keep the surprise from his voice. He was suddenly afraid for Shepard and what this meant.

Carlin's cold voice came over the comm. "The same thing you are. I'm here for Shepard."

Kaidan's mind raced, baffled as to how Carlin found Demeter without the Liara link.

Carlin seemed to read his thoughts.

"All Alliance ship's Navigators must log flight plans, Commander. Mandatory after the loss of the _Normandy _two years ago over Alchera and the rescue that took too long because we had no logged flight plan. You know that better than anyone."

Kaidan shook his head. He _did _know that, but hadn't worried about his location being revealed to Carlin. He didn't think he would have been able to access them. "Spectre records are private."

He _couldn't _have led Carlin to Shepard. This wasn't supposed to happen. The arrest was supposed to go safely and smoothly.

Panic burbled in his stomach, threatening to break loose, but he shoved it down with iron-clad control.

"Not if the Council authorizes Alliance interference," Carlin replied. "They're frustrated with your slow pace and want this resolved. The Alliance is simply here to lend a hand. After all, Commander Alenko, you want her arrested too, don't you? Or do we have another rogue Spectre on our hands?" he asked snidely.

"No, sir. I was just about to go get her."

"Then I'll meet you groundside."

The comm cut out.

Kaidan swore, heedless of the other officers on the bridge.

"Jesus Christ, Alenko, you goddamn idiot!" Joker called once he was sure that Carlin had disconnected. "You've led the Alliance to her."

"I'm getting my armor and going down there. I'll try and get to Shepard first and head Carlin off. Maybe I can do something."

"Please, Kaidan. Help her get away," Joker begged. Kaidan had never heard him beg for _anything._ "At least long enough for her to say goodbye and have all her loose ends tied up. She needs this one thing, one chance to say goodbye to something she thought she'd lost. Please."

Kaidan began rushing away to don his armor.

"Shit, shit, shit. This wasn't supposed to go like this," he heard Joker groan before the comm dropped out.

* * *

"Miranda!"

Shepard clambered awkwardly to her feet, her arms full of baby, torn between checking Miles over for injuries and Miranda lying bleeding onto the floor, the pool of blood staining the water from the fire system red.

Miranda clutched at the wound to her chest, her hand shaking, and tried in vain to sit up.

"Here, take him," Shepard said, bundling Miles to Samara as he started crying again, reaching for her, not wanting to go to the strange blue woman who smelt like eezo. In the back of her mind, she noted that Miles had never seen an alien before because Cerberus only employed humans.

"Shh, shh, child," Samara soothed, jiggling him in a well-practiced movement. "It is alright."

Water ran over Miles' head, trickling into his eyes. The moisture made him blink furiously and grumble, so Samara raised her hand a small mini biotic umbrella manifested around him.

He grizzled, face scrunched up and red with unhappiness but quieted a little.

"This is cute and all," Jacob said. "But we really have got to go. Miranda needs help."

"Yeah," Garrus agreed, looking worried. "Or we're all going to suffocate. Hurry, Shepard."

Shepard nodded and knelt by Miranda's side, glancing to the scientist whose whole face had been destroyed by Garrus' bullet, a red pulpy mass of blood, bone and brain matter.

"Thanks, Garrus," she murmured, swallowing her revulsion at the state of the scientist's head.

"Snuck up on us. I'm sorry, Shepard," he said, his icy eyes pained with guilt. He shifted in his stance and Shepard noted he had put himself in front of her, to shield her. She felt a sudden rush of affection for him…and _Miranda. _

She'd taken a bullet for her. Even after everything she had done, and even after Shepard made it clear they were no longer friends. After Shepard had berated her and belittled her in front of Joker.

"She almost shot you and the kid," Garrus continued. "Miranda saved your life."

"It's OK," she said distractedly, working on applying medi-gel to Miranda's wound.

"S-Shepard," Miranda stuttered, teeth chattering. Her blood covered hand reached out and shoved Shepard's omni-tool wreathed hand away. "It's deep. You should go."

"No," she replied firmly as more smoke began pouring into the room, and more distant booms sounded. She jerked her head around at the cacophony as the ground shook.

"Shepard!" Zaeed's voice crackled over the comm. "It's a goddamn mess here. Cerberus set off some kind of self-destruct fires or something. This place is going up quicker than Zorya! We got Alliance soldiers looking for you, too. Small team. They got by us while we were taking care of Cerberus. We weren't sure if we should shoot 'em. I'll shoot for ya?"

"No shooting the Alliance!" she barked. "What the fuck? Why's the Alliance here?"

"It's Kaidan," Kasumi came over the comm quietly. "I saw him.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck."

"Go. Leave me, Shepard. Miles can't stay here. The smoke isn't good," Miranda said, weakly pushing Shepard away. "I'm dead anyway."

"Bullshit," Shepard said, standing and crossing to the medical counter. Quickly she ripped up a thin baby blanket and wet it at the sink, then crossed to Samara and Miles.

"Here," she said, draping the wet fabric over his nose and mouth the stop him inhaling the smoke. He watched her, blue eyes teary, small veins in the whites of his eyes. He looked exhausted and fussy, fretting in Samara's arms, and he smelled like his diaper needed changing or Cerberus hadn't bathed him lately.

She wanted him out of this hell and back on the _Normandy_, safe in her cabin. She wanted to bathe and kiss him, lie down and just hold him.

_Just once_. She wanted this one thing for herself.

"Hold on to him, Samara, OK? We're getting out of this hellhole now. I've got Miranda."

Shepard bent by Miranda's side and picked her up, her knees protesting under the weight. She wasn't as heavy as the time she had picked her up on Haestrom, and Shepard briefly wondered if she had gotten stronger, or if Miranda had lost weight due to stress.

Miranda shook her head, her face wrinkled in pain. "No, leave me. I deserve this. I'll just slow you down. Miles is the objective, remember?"

"No. You don't. Everyone's getting out of here alive."

She tapped her comm as the team began moving, Garrus covering them with his rifle and Samara casting a shimmering biotic dome. Miles watched it with wide, terrified eyes.

Jacob covered their rear, but Shepard noticed he looked distraught at the state of Miranda.

"You hold on, Miri," he said quietly, briefly clasping her hand. Miranda grimaced and nodded, rapidly paling.

They moved as swiftly as they could back through the facility, Shepard calling for the other team to begin their retreat, too. Some leftover soldiers stood in their way, but Garrus and Jacob quickly handled them. Shepard chafed as she stood beneath Samara's biotic dome, watching the men take care of the soldiers, wishing she could help.

Miles couldn't tear his gaze from the biotic barrier, bullets and men bouncing off it. The dome's blues made his eyes even more vibrant. Shepard watched, fascinated by him. He flinched as a man screamed, Jacob finishing his assailant off quickly.

"Hey, hey, little guy," Shepard said, trying to make her voice higher in some semblance of baby talk. She clutched her pistol tighter and tried to hold back agitated flares from sparking off her body. "Don't look at the bad people, OK? Look at me." His eyes flickered to Garrus as a concussive shock rattled around the room, bouncing off the dome. "Hey, Miles, look at me."

He looked back at her and she smiled at him, the widest grin she could muster. It was almost painful, the muscles in her face protesting at being wrangled into a grin.

It occurred to her that it was the first time someone had addressed him by his real name.

He watched her face, focused for a moment on her instead of the bloodshed.

Samara looked at her seriously, taking in Miranda's bone-white face as she lolled in Shepard's arms.

"She's slowly us down," she said quietly. "The child is at risk." As if on cue, Miles gave a cough, his nose streaming mucus. Juggling Miranda and using her free hand, Shepard adjusted the already soot-stained blanket over his mouth and nose, but he pulled away, annoyed by her attention. She gave him a firm look and hoisted it higher on his face.

"We should be out of here by now," Samara added.

"I know," Shepard replied through gritted teeth, coming to a decision. She kept her smile fixed in place to not alarm Miles and kept her voice even and low. "I want you to go with Garrus and meet Mordin. Get Miles on the shuttle. Miranda and I will follow behind. Jacob can stay back to help us out."

"Shepard…"

"I can't leave her," Shepard said firmly. "No matter what. You get him out of here, and make sure he's safe. Come back for us after he's out. Miranda and I will follow, just a bit more slowly."

Garrus came over after finishing with the soldiers. Samara let the barrier drop to let him through.

He frowned, obviously overhearing. "Shepard, no. There's the Alliance and Cerberus soldiers running around down here. The facility is going up in flames. Cerberus did it deliberately to purge this place of evidence of their crimes. That includes the kid _and you._ Let me stay."

Shepard shook her head. "I want all Miles protected with everything we can spare. No arguments. Besides, the Alliance is looking for me, not _you_ or Miles. They'll be less likely to stop you if I'm not there. I don't want Miles in their custody if there's anyone else here but Kaidan. I don't trust anyone else, not even his men. Now get moving; that's an order. You're wasting time. Get running and don't stop!"

They reluctantly made to leave, but just before Samara turned to follow Garrus, Shepard pressed her lips to the side of Miles' soft cheek, tears in her eyes.

"You be good, kid. Be good."

His mouth wobbled uncertainly, not sure where the lady who smiled at him was going and whether he should start crying again.

"I shall watch him, Shepard. You will be reunited. I will return for you as soon as he is safe with Mordin," Samara promised. Garrus placed a hand on her shoulder, hurrying Samara along. He nodded once to her and mouthed something she didn't catch.

The team ran and Shepard turned to fully pick up Miranda again, Jacob helping to prop her up. Blood was slick under her hands. The medi-gel couldn't seal the large wound effectively.

Miranda coughed as they began making slow progress, smoke billowing thickly around them. Her breath wheezed in her chest and Shepard feared the bullet had torn a lung. She was sure a less genetically perfect woman would have already died by now.

Jacob kept up a continuous stream of encouragement to Miranda, helping her fight the waves of pain and unconsciousness that had her responses take longer and longer. Words stuck in Shepard's throat.

Ten minutes passed as water began to swish beneath her feet, the fire extinguishers in the ceiling had not been disabled by Cerberus. An oversight, it seemed, or perhaps to deliberately slow their progress. She began coughing, Jacob panting alongside her with his pistol drawn.

Their progress was glacial, hampered by the concealing smoke, the dead weight between them and scattered Cerberus' men left behind.

The air was an almost physical weight, like a soup made out of smoke and her eyes watered and stung. She prayed that Miles was already out before it could damage him.

She hit her comm.

"Garrus? Anyone? Are you out?"

"The rest of the team made it out, Shepard," Garrus replied. "We've just met them at the shuttle. Zaeed, Samara and I are coming back for you now that Miles is safe with Mordin."

"How is he?"

Garrus hesitated. "He was a bit wheezy. Chest infection and the smoke… Mordin's treating him. Says it's because he spent most of his life deep underground in the damp air."

Her heart stuttered and resumed pounding violently in time with the pulse in her ears, but this time she couldn't tell if it was the smoke inhalation or worry.

Miranda's trail of blood was growing larger, the water foggy with it. Shepard half expected a Cerberus shark to come along and snap at their heels, weakness written all over their small group. She inwardly congratulated herself for sending Miles away with the rest of the squad. Miranda looked awful in the red-tinged light, her blond hair cheap and rough looking, her face sweaty and drawn. For once she looked her age, every single one of her thirty five years. Shepard somehow always thought of Miranda as the same age as her and to see her look older for once was unnerving.

Jacob glanced at Shepard as they rounded another corridor. "Think we're gonna make it?"

"You can start running, if you want. I'm not leaving her."

Jacob slipped an arm around Miranda's back, relieving Shepard of some of her weight, but leaving them wide open to attack.

"People like Miranda you don't just walk away from," he replied. "Nor people like you. I'm staying. Come hell or high water."

Shepard barked a darkly amused laugh and kicked at some of the water around their feet. "Literally. Any good at swimming?"

He smiled in reply. "It's not that bad. You know, Alenko was right about you. You are a drama queen."

She gasped a ragged breath, a little choked. "Yeah. Like he said that. Psh, I bet you didn't even talk."

Jacob rolled his eyes. "Would I lie to you, Commander? Alenko and I were buds. We were gonna spill some drinks on the Citadel."

"Kaidan _so_ does not 'spill drinks', you liar, Jacob Taylor," she half-wheezed, half-laughed.

"No? Well, he didn't tell you the story about the bottle of whiskey, five hundred thousand credits, and the vorcha mafia. I know all about that. Alenko, my man, he is _crazy_. Wow."

She gaped at him. "What?"

He grinned. "Exactly."

Shepard smiled and shook her head, glad for the distraction from the way her lungs burned, her eyes streamed, and her legs protested under the extra weight. Jacob's face was pained and she knew he was struggling too.

She'd just turned a corner, hopeful they were nearly out when-

"Commander Shepard!" a black haired man who was definitely not Kaidan sneered. "Caught red-handed with two well-known Cerberus agents in a Cerberus base." He trained his gun on her. "Surrender or I will be forced to shoot."

Shepard licked her lips, placing Miranda fully into Jacob's arms and moving subtly in front of them. She raised her hands to show him she wasn't going to pull anything and eyed him warily.

"Who are you?"

"Major Carlin with the Alliance," he said with the air of a great pronouncement. "And I'm here to arrest _you_."

He made to move towards her, and she saw he had a baton stick clutched in a thick fist. His lips curled in a cruel smirk, and she knew from years in the service that he was one man she didn't want to be the prisoner of. There were always whispers of men like that, who carried out their jobs brutally, and who got away with it because of rank and nepotism. Majors were respected. No one would question them without hard evidence, and no one would believe an accused Cerberus agent like Shepard. A traitor.

She tensed, preparing for a fight, wishing she had more than a mortally wounded woman and Jacob to back her up. She didn't know what to do, if she should fight, if she should let him hurt her, if she should run or endure, stay or go.

Her heart pounded with anxiety and indecision, wanting only to have some time with Miles. She shifted into a loose fighting stance, her body reacting of its own volition and she knew then that no one would take her from Miles before she was ready. Not now. Not when she had just got him back.

"No!" a familiar voice said, and her heart stopped as Kaidan rounded the corner, water splashing around his ankles. He held his hands up in a placating gesture, glancing between Shepard and Carlin's tensed stances. "I have Spectre authority. Stand down, _both_ of you."

"Kaidan…" Shepard breathed, wanting nothing more than to reach out and touch him. She coughed violently for a moment, not sure if it was ash in her throat or a choked back rush of emotion.

He nodded to her, his eyes distant and cold. "Commander Shepard."

She jerked back as if slapped, wanting to scream, _'I just saved your baby, you fucking jerk', _but couldn't, lest Carlin investigate and take Miles in, too. She didn't want him in the foster system, or taken from her without a choice. She didn't want him tarred with the same brush as _her_ name was.

The name _Shepard_ now meant _traitor, Cerberus, liar, Illusive Man's bitch_ to the Alliance.

Cerberus wouldn't let him escape. Earth was a cesspool. Who knew what agents they had there, just waiting for orders?

"Touching reunion and all that, but I have a job," Carlin drawled, cutting into her thoughts. "You had an opportunity to surrender and you didn't take it."

Quick as lightning, and far too swift for her to notice, he swung his baton and smashed it into her face, immediately splitting the skin of her cheek, and knocking her to the floor. Smokey water washed into her mouth, making her splutter, and blood followed from her ruined cheek. She looked up blearily, water stinging her eyes as Carlin swung the baton again and saw it in slow motion, sure he was going to knock her unconscious and hogtie her. She'd wake to find herself back on Earth.

She blinked dumbly, her mind foggy from the blow, and unable to defend herself.

There was a yell, a flash of blue light and a barrier sprung up between her and Carlin.

Kaidan had extended his hand. He lowered it as he bent at her side and grasped her jaw, turning her head to the side to examine her broken cheek. Her eyes fluttered briefly as he gently smeared some medi-gel and grasped her arm, pulling her out of the water.

"What the hell was that?" he yelled at Carlin, half holding Shepard up, as her legs seem to mutiny against her brain. "That was completely unprovoked. Why the fuck did you hit her?"

"Stand down, Commander," Carlin replied. "She's a traitor. That's how traitors are dealt with in the Alliance. Whose side are you on here?"

"Bullshit," Kaidan snarled. Her head swum sickeningly as he made a violent gesture at Carlin. "Not my Alliance."

Jacob raised his gun uncertainly, holding the almost unconscious Miranda in an awkward embrace. Somewhere in her rattled brain, Shepard was darkly amused at Kaidan and Jacob's mirrored poses.

"Commander? Orders?" Jacob asked, looking almost afraid, his eyes darting from Kaidan to Carlin.

"Take them in, too," Carlin said to the soldiers surrounding them, looking at Jacob with renewed interest. "Alliance always likes picking up more traitors. The woman looks like she's half dead already. Maybe I'll have some fun with her on the way back to Earth."

Kaidan subtly maneuvered Shepard behind him, and glanced at Miranda.

"She's been shot?"

"Yeah," Shepard muttered, holding her cheek so the throbbing would stop. It didn't work and renewed pain burst behind her eyes. "We need to go. Please, we can't be arrested by that Major. I'll surrender to you. No one else. And no one is touching my crew."

The soldier drew closer as Kaidan's brows furrowed, searching her face for the truth.

"Please, LT. You're all I have. Let me get out of here."

"Carlin, hold your men," he barked, maintaining his barrier to give them a moment to speak. Carlin poked it with his baton stick like an angry, frustrated child, and the dark energy curtain made a humming noise, like a swarm of angry bees. She heard the subtle vibration of Kaidan's implant singing in harmony with it.

The world seemed to slow, reminding her of Miles stuck behind his fortified crib, his isolation.

Kaidan barely mouthed the words, so quiet that she could barely hear him, let alone Carlin.

"I made a mistake when I left you to the Illusive Man. Maybe the real mistake was leaving you two years ago on the burning _Normandy_. Not today. I can't walk away again."

His hand slid down her side, to her hand, and she reached out to take it, smiling because she knew she had talked him around. He was going to help her get away, maybe even run with her.

Something heavy and glowing clicked over her wrist. She looked down and saw Kaidan snap the omni-cuff around her wrist.

"I'm so sorry," he said, his eyes full of pain. "I'm being watched. Just come with me. You have to come with me. Miranda and Jacob, too. It's the only way to save you from yourself and from Carlin."

She yanked her wrist away, but he held firm.

Fury curled in her belly.

"You got close to me just to cuff me," she accused, panicking at her now bound hands. "You tricked me."

"Nice work!" called Carlin jovially, patting his baton, still slick with Shepard's blood. "Didn't think you had it in you. Now let the barrier down and we'll take her in. We'll be heroes."

"You sonovabitch! I want my fucking time," Shepard snarled. "I need to go see him."

"Commander!" Jacob said, starting to back away as the soldiers advanced.

"Run, Jacob!" Shepard yelled. "I'm coming."

Shepard wrenched away from Kaidan, flicking her bound wrists so a barrier sprang up around Jacob and Miranda. The soldiers opened fire, bullets bouncing off Shepard's barrier. . Kaidan allowed his to collapse and she thought that perhaps he couldn't hold it any longer, the skin on his face sweaty. He didn't have her endurance and his L2 never did like sustained output. The crease between his eyes told her he had a migraine and he gasped as the barrier dissolved. She knew he hadn't actually wanted Miranda and Jacob to be shot.

Shepard's barrier was weak because of her bound hands and poorly executed mnemonic, but it was enough to allow Jacob to drag Miranda away. Before they disappeared from sight, she managed to erect a second dome around herself and Kaidan. She watched it shimmer for a moment and lamented Samara's absence; her brain frazzled by Carlin's blow.

Carlin pounded on her new barrier angrily.

"You bitch! Let me through! Alenko, disable her or the barrier, I don't care what you do." He rounded on his men. "Why the fuck aren't any of you biotics? Take this shit down. Now!"

The men milled awkwardly, muttering to themselves. They experimentally raised their omni-tools but Shepard held her mind and power firm and the barrier remained. Only biotics could negate biotics. Technology couldn't touch her mind.

Kaidan advanced on her warily as she stumbled away from him, trying to follow Miranda and Jacob. "Shepard, calm down," he said. "Miranda needs medical care. So do you. You have to come back to Earth. Please."

She shook her head. "You cuffed me." She pulled futilely on her cuffs, hoping her poor barrier would hold off Carlin's team long enough for her to deal with Kaidan and escape. "You cuffed me, but you should have known better."

She strained her wrists, dark energy snaking down her arms. There was a spark and a burning pain in her wrists, and the cuffs snapped apart, burning her hand in the process. She felt deep, agony in her bones, but she pushed it aside for Chakwas to deal with later.

She turned to run, but he reached out and grabbed her arm.

"No, Shepard!" he yelled, a note of frustration making his voice ring. It was huskier than she had ever heard and she wondered if the smoke was getting to him, too, as she wheezed. "Stop running. What are you doing?"

"Let me go. Right now," she bit out. "We can't talk. The Alliance is watching our every move, and you fucking cuffed me!" she yelled, swinging around in a violent motion and throwing his arms off.

Kaidan frowned at her and, not for the first time in her life, she had no idea what to do. He grabbed for her again and she realized this was it.

He wasn't going to let her go without a fight.

He was going to restrain her.

It had come to this. The man she loved. The man she had a child with. Forced to fight her.

She had to choose. Miles or Kaidan. Blood rushed to her head and her vision swum sickeningly.

"Kill the bitch, Alenko!" Carlin snarled. "So she can't hurt anymore Alliance men. Do your duty as a Spectre and a marine!"

Kaidan didn't even glance in his direction, his heated gaze on Shepard.

"Shep," he said quietly. "Just stop. It's over. We can't fight anymore. There's no more room for us. There's just the Alliance and Cerberus and it's time for the game to end."

Her lip curled. "Game? There is no game. There's me and there's freedom and there's you asking me to let go of something I can't."

She threw his hands off her. "I'm leaving now. I'll surrender to you soon, on my terms and," she jerked her head in Carlin's direction, "not anywhere near him."

"I'm taking you in, Shepard," Carlin replied, hanging on to every word of their conversation, his face almost smooshed against the barrier.

Kaidan pursued her. "That's not good enough anymore. I can't trust you. What if you're indoctrinated and I just let you run?"

She shook her head. "You can't stop me."

"That's where you're wrong."

He held her wrist, firm but gentle enough not to hurt.

Shepard balked, her eyes wide with betrayal.

She shoved him away with her biotics, just a small throw, and began to run.

She glanced back, not really expecting him to follow, sure he wouldn't want to be forced into confrontation with her, but was taken aback when she was tackled to the ground, the wind knocked out of her in an _oomph. _ "Get off!" she yelled, kicking him in the stomach. He flew back, his face pained.

She wanted to cry. This wasn't supposed to be happening. It was like she was stuck in some kind of nightmare.

"Please Shepard, please," he begged, his voice breaking with tears.

"I can't!" she sobbed, standing and extending her hands in a defensive biotic stance. Carlin made a noise of victory. "I can't."

Kaidan stood and readied his own stance. Both didn't think to draw their guns. No blood would be spilled. This was all about control. This was about two years ago and biotic sparring on the mats in the cargo bay; and who ended up pinned beneath the other; who would be smothered in kisses.

There would be no kisses today, she knew.

Shepard threw the first punch and he spun out of the way predictably. She followed it up with a kick to his groin, hoping to take him out quickly, if not painlessly, but he deflected and caught her leg. He unbalanced her and pushed her to the ground, probably hoping to use his superior weight to pin and subdue her.

Shepard snarled and grasped his whole body in a parody of a hug as they fell together, and midair, she _flared._

Time slowed in a small bubble, water droplets spinning lazily around their faces as Shepard activated a mini Stasis field, all mass inside it reduced. His breath was harsh in her face, his amber eyes wild, their lips inches apart, a mockery of two lovers joined.

"You always were the poorer biotic," Shepard whispered, as she rotated them, positioning him to fall with her on top of him instead of the other way around.

His pained exhale brushed a water droplet against her feverish cheek, a fragile tiny thing, bursting as if it was a nature vid and time had been slowed for the rain falling against the softest rose petal.

Another bead of moisture squeezed from the corner of his eyes. She couldn't tell if it was because he was on the verge of crying, or because of the smoke.

"We used to be something," he murmured. "Why can't you come with me? Just stop."

Shepard watched him, the moment lasting for an age. His eyes held everything she ever wanted and she was sure her heart was breaking.

"I have to help Miles to go before I stop."

"You have miles to go before I get your ass back to Earth. You're going to prison for the rest of your miserable life, or you'll be put in front of a firing squad," Carlin screamed, misunderstanding her. "End that freaky brain shit and finish her, Alenko! This isn't the goddam Alliance ballet!"

The Stasis ended and Kaidan slammed to the ground, Shepard on top of him. He was winded but not taken out of the fight, even as she tried to hold him down and escape at the same time try.

Her breath came out in a wheezed panic, as did his. They grappled, neither willing to punch the other, or submit.

She got up again but this time he took her legs out from beneath her, grasped her wrist and yanked it behind her back, pinning her to the ground.

Desperate, she wrenched free, and punched him in the face.

He reeled back, eyes wide and stunned, blood streaming from his almost certainly broken nose.

Shepard gaped, horrified at herself, and it was all the opening he needed.

He rested his knee on the small of her back, holding her there. Her face dipped beneath the layer of water again and she spluttered, but he quickly relented to hold her face up and out if it.

"Please, please, please," he mumbled brokenly. "Please, stop struggling. Please."

She gasped raggedly as she realized he had her, his heavier weight and muscle mass making it hard to wiggle away. Her arm protested even as she tried.

"Shepard, that's your bad arm," he said, agonized. "If you struggle, it's going to hurt. Please."

"Shit. Shit. Fuck. Oh god, I'm so sorry."

She burst into angry, horrified tears. For a moment she felt his whole body shake against her and knew he was crying too, but trying not to let Carlin see.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I never wanted this. We were meant to be happy."

He rested his head next to hers for a moment, she could feel his breath hot against her cheek and she knew this was her final chance.

For mercy.

For manipulation.

For Miles.

"Please," she said, tears streaming down her face. "If you ever loved me half as much as I think you do, you'd let me go."

"How can I?" he burst out, lips barely brushing her ear. He still gripped her bad arm, and his weight was heavy against her, binding her as surely as cuffs. "After everything that's happened? You're asking me to risk it all, Shep." Her chest heaved, her breaths panicked and full of tears. "Please don't cry. I hate it when you cry."

"I'm crying because you're holding me on the ground like a criminal. Because I hit you and hurt you. You don't hit the ones you love."

"Tell me how I can let you go again," he begged, his grip loosening infinitesimally. "Do you love me, or is it all a lie? Are you rogue? Was it all a game?"

She turned her cheek, allowing his lips to brush there, encouraging him to. She wasn't sure what she was doing, if she was banking on his attraction for her, or his love, or his kindness.

"Kiss me," she barely breathed, wary of Carlin. "Kiss me. He can't see."

So Kaidan did kiss her, the only way he could in their awkward positions, smoky water lapping around their bodies.

He kissed her cheek, then shifted his head, the barest caress of his lips against hers. Her lips received him, eager for his familiar rasp of stubble and scarred lips. He shivered as they made contact, and despite everything she felt heat pool in her belly.

She sighed. "There's your answer. Tell me, do you still believe it was all a lie?"

"No," he answered.

"I'm begging you, Kaidan."

He instantly let go of her arm.

"I'm going to let you up and pretend there was a biotic explosion," he whispered urgently. "Send your surrender point to my ship when you get back on the _Normandy_. Start running. Don't stop. Don't look back. We'll be right behind you. Don't let us catch up. I better not regret this."

He started to flare, and she followed, making it look like they were still struggling and fighting.

"You won't," she promised.

A biotic explosion rippled down the hallway, sending soot saturated water into the air and smoke swirling, obscuring them from Carlin for just a moment.

He was off her in seconds, pulling her up and pushing her to run.

Shepard had never been more confused, afraid, or sick in all her life. She had never, ever wanted this.

Kaidan looked pale, horrified and queasy, as if he didn't know what he was doing and half thought he was mad.

"Kaidan…" she said urgently as Carlin yelled in confusion.

"What?" he glanced back at her, as she jogged away.

She ran back to him, grasped his head, threaded her fingers in his hair, and brought his lips to hers.

She kissed him fiercely, tongue in his mouth, their noses bumping together. Their teeth scraped against each other's lips and she wanted _more_. She took from him as much as she could for just a moment, devouring his lips, his essence, _her Kaidan. _Her Kaidan who was risking it all just to give her time, hope and a fighting kissed her back just as hard, his hands on her hips, pulling her to him.

She pulled away abruptly to meet his shocked eyes.

She doubted if he had ever been kissed with more passion or emotion.

"I have a surprise," she said quickly. "We had small beginnings and death wasn't the end of them."

His brows furrowed, but she was already running, leaving him behind her.

* * *

Garrus, Samara and Zaeed met her at the entrance. Miranda and Jacob were boarding the shuttle in the distance.

"Holy shit, Princess, you alright?" Zaeed asked with genuine concern.

Tears were still streaming down her face and she was aware she was covered in blood from her bashed cheek, soot and dirty water.

"Fine," she rasped. "We gotta run. Alliance is right behind me."

Garrus took her arm as she stumbled and almost fell, her chest unbearably tight. When she coughed and spat, a thick wad of black tar came up.

Together, they ran for the shuttle landing zone and called for Mordin to hold on. Shepard saw that Miranda wasn't awake anymore.

"Garrus?" she asked fearfully.

"She's alive," he answered. "Barely."

Just as Alliance soldiers streamed out of Demeter Base, Shepard climbed into the back of the shuttle. For a moment she locked eyes with Kaidan.

She nodded and he nodded back, understanding implicit between them.

She had a week and then they would meet.

Hope bloomed in her chest.

She would show him Miles and make him understand all the things she had done. She would be able to show him in privacy, away from the Alliance, away from Cerberus, away from everyone else but them.

The shuttle's door slammed shut as Carlin fired at them ineffectually with his assault rifle, running to his own landing-craft. Kaidan didn't raise his gun.

She was suddenly fearful for him. Such blatant refusal in front of Carlin could mean trouble for his career. She wished he would raise his gun, do _anything_ to hide his bias. As if reading the fear in her eyes, he finally raised his rifle and fired wide of their transport.

She turned away.

"Where is he?" Shepard rasped, as she squeezed by her team in the back of the shuttle.

"Here, Shepard," Mordin chirped, waving his omni-tool over a bundle of blankets on the ground. "Gave him some meds. Calm now. Was cold, so wrapped in blankets. Here. Should be with mother."

He stood, picking Miles up in his spindly arms, and handed him to Shepard.

She took him gratefully, pressing her sooty cheek to his and inhaling his baby scent. He burst into angry tears.

"Bah!" Grunt bellowed. "He's already ruining everything."

"Shut up, Grunt," Kasumi said, and smacked him over the back of the head with the flat of her sword.

Miranda's head lolled in Jacob's lap as he cradled her on one of the long seats, her eyes shut tightly.

Back on board the _Normandy,_ she paged Chakwas to take care of Miranda. Chakwas tried to take Miles from her as well, but Shepard waved her off, wanting to hold him as long as possible and wanting Chakwas to focus on saving Miranda's life and not a screaming baby in her med bay. She jogged to the bridge, too distracted and anxious to hand Miles over to anyone else, just in time to see the Cerberus fighters pull around for another attack.

"Shit," she snarled, jiggling Miles in her arms. Joker frowned at her. "Kaidan isn't with the _Tobruk_ yet."

"No," Joker agreed. "Nice kid, by the way. Pick it up at Costco or something?"

"Joker…" she warned.

He sobered. "Kaidan's in trouble. He's in the shuttle, halfway between Demeter and the _Tobruk_. He's gonna get blown out of the sky by Cerberus. That other Carlin guy, too."

Miles gave a loud wail right in Joker's ear.

"Jesus, Shepard!" he said, jumping. "New rule: babies aren't meant for the bridge!"

"Sorry," she said, soothing Miles ineffectually and at the same time trying to wipe the black snot still streaming from her nose. "I'm fucking nervous, OK? Get the fighters off Kaidan."

"Aye, aye, ma'am." He turned to Miles. "Hey, kid? Watch your uncle Joker save your dad. I'm the coolest guy you know."

"Jeff," chimed EDI. "Please cease showing off and fire."

Joker grumbled and fired Normandy cannons, destroying the fighters and clearing Kaidan a path.

Shepard hit the comm.

"SSV _Tobruk,_ this is independent vessel _Normandy_. Your captain needs pick up. I suggest you help him out."

"Who is this?" the Tobruk's Flight Lieutenant answered. "You aren't authorized."

"The hell I'm not," Shepard returned. "You captain nearly got his ass blown up. I'm transmitting coordinates to you, private and for his eyes only. Make sure he gets them. Tell him… Tell him that _Normandy _will be waiting for him. Shepard, out."

She turned to Joker, who frowned at her. She smiled down at Miles, his face red and scrunched into a sour little ball.

"I've had enough of this planet. Let's go, Joker."

The_ Normandy_ jumped to FTL just as Carlin made it to his ship and gave orders to fire. The shots zoomed ineffectually into the darkness of space, _Normandy_ no longer there, but thousands of miles away.

Shepard smirked. "I'm going to get this kid all cleaned up, check on Miranda, have a nap, and then I want to have a little chat with a certain Illusive Man."

She laughed, finally free, and jiggled Miles, trying to get him to smile. "Mommy's gonna tell that bad man off. I'll teach him to fuck with me and my kid."

"Shepard! Swearing!" Joker laughed, pointing to Miles who was watching her raptly.

She ran a finger down his nose and laughed when he wrinkled it. "Oops. Just pretend you didn't hear that, kiddo."

* * *

Carlin smashed his hand against the console and turned to his second in command as the _Tobruk _followed the _Normandy_ and jumped to FTL for parts unknown.

"Alenko is traitor."

"Sir?" he Lieutenant asked, frowning at his COs rage.

"There were always rumors he was having an affair with her. They were all but confirmed today. He wouldn't hurt her. His heart isn't in the job. He's playing us."

"Should we report him to the Alliance, sir? Tell the Council that his judgment is compromised?"

"We have no proof," Carlin sighed. "If we had proof, I would have already brought him in for court martial and dereliction of duty. Saren Arterius attacked a human colony and the Council wouldn't listen. No, Spectres are all but untouchable."

He smiled. "But I have one thing." Carlin manifested his omni-tool. "Moments before she left, she transmitted coordinates for an Illium docking bay to the _Tobruk_. I intercepted it. The bitch wouldn't know encryption if it bit her on the ass. She's going to be there in a week, and when she is, so will we. Alenko won't be able to save her from facing her crimes this time, and we'll make him a laughing stock as a Spectre when we complete his job for him."

"Is this an arrest or an execution?" Carlin's second in command asked, shifting nervously and intimidated by his CO.

"That depends on whether she resists or not. It's such a shame." He smiled. "I may have to get a little rough to break her into line."


	43. Safe

Shepard hurried to the med bay of the _Normandy_, wiping her nose as she did so, more black soot streaming out of it. She gave a cough, trying to clear her lungs and Miles started crying again, unnerved by her movements. He looked exhausted and he could only manage small mewling sounds, too tired for his loud wails on Demeter.

"Shh, shh," she tried to soothe, as the med bay door whooshed open. "It's OK."

Chakwas was just pulling some bloody gloves off her hands and she turned when Shepard entered the room.

"How's Miranda?" Shepard asked anxiously, her eyes glued to where Miranda lay still and quiet on the bed.

"She's going to be alright," Chakwas answered, pulling a sheet up over Miranda's bare chest. Shepard could see a large healing adhesive plastered over her right breast. "I've extracted the bullet and prepared a blood transfusion. She needs to heal. Her lung collapsed, but thankfully I had the equipment here to reinflate it. Mordin was a great aid."

Shepard looked around and noticed him working at the bench, surprised she missed him. He was far too sneaky and quiet for his own good sometimes.

She started to breathe easy for the first time since they left Demeter. "Thank god. She took a bullet for me."

Chakwas appraised Miranda coolly. Shepard knew she was still angry about Miranda's deception.

"I know," Chakwas said, expression neutral. "I heard. That doesn't negate what she's done to you, Shepard. If it were me-" she broke off, searching for words. "If that was my child..."

"I know," Shepard replied, moving further into the room. She was mindful of Chakwas' past and sad story as she awkwardly adjusted Miles in her arms. "I know. But I would be the one lying in that bed right now, if not for her. Or I would be burying my kid."

Chakwas' eyes lit up as she fully realized what Shepard cradled in her arms. "Is this Miles, Shepard? Oh, he looks just like you. Come, give him to me. He's filthy!"

Shepard reluctantly opened her arms and Chakwas scooped him up, bringing him to the small sink by the wall.

"Hmm. He needs a good bathing," she said, fussing over him and taking readings with her omni-tool. "A nice course of antibiotics, a good feed, some care and I think he'll do just fine."

"You think so?" Shepard asked, feeling something weird rise in her chest. Something that felt like annoyance at having him handled by someone else. Despite telling herself she was being stupid and should really go and take a shower while Chakwas tended to him, she found herself hovering by Chakwas' side, her eyes glued to Miles.

"Yes," Chakwas replied. "What has been done to him can be undone. He doesn't belong to Cerberus anymore."

"No," Shepard said, a small smile on her face. "He belongs to the _Normandy_. To me."

Chakwas glanced at her, a knowing gleam in her eyes. "Look at you. I've never seen you smile like that."

She felt heat rise in her cheeks. "I smile all the time."

Chakwas raised a neat grey brow doubtfully.

"Now, before we give the younger Shepard a bath, let's have a look at the older Shepard. Your cheek is bruising. Your scar is going to be quite rough. I'll see if I can use some healing serum to lessen it. What happened?"

Mordin bustled over as Shepard frowned. "Mm. Yes. Fractured cheek bone. Easy fix. Blunt force trauma, yes?"

"Yeah," Shepard nodded, taking Miles from Chakwas as she began filling the sink with hot soapy water and motioned Shepard to take a seat on the spare med bay bed. "I got into a bit of a scuffle with... some people. One of the assholes down there got a lucky shot in with a baton. I took it to the face. It hurts, but it's fine."

She carefully walled Kaidan off from her heart and mind, not willing to examine all that had occurred or bring it up in front of Chakwas. They'd_ kissed,_ for god's sake. _In the middle of a damn standoff. _

She settled Miles in her lap, holding him close to her as Chakwas probed and prodded her cheek, using her medical tools to painfully set the bones. The numbing gel was never as effective as Shepard would have liked and eventually the pain began to build to a point where Mordin had to take Miles from her.

The strange feeling in her chest rose again as she watched Mordin cradle him in his spindly arms.

"Humans are mammalian and I find that quite familiar. Thymine, adenine, guanine, cytosine are your nucleobases and you should not make so many frowny faces."

Shepard raised her eyebrows. "Are... are you _singing_ to him, Mordin? That sounds… really awful."

Mordin turned to her with a wide grin as Chakwas gave a hard push on one of her cheek bones. Shepard growled as Chakwas apologized.

"Yes, Shepard," Mordin replied as Miles watched him, half struck silent with terror and half intrigued at the strange creature holding him. "Singing is good for frontal lobe development. Recommend you keep it up. He is likely behind in his milestones - ah, no pun intended. Would benefit from intensive socialization."

"I can't sing," she said tightly as pain radiated from her face. "How long will Miranda be unconscious for?" she asked Chakwas, trying to distract herself from the pain by watching Miranda's chest rise and fall in her deep sleep.

"Awhile," Chakwas answered, waving another medical tool over the side of Shepard's face. "Her body needs time to heal. You shouldn't worry."

"Why? She was shot covering me. I was sloppy, unprofessional, and I let my guard down. It could have been me lying there."

Chakwas shook her head. "No, it wouldn't. You'd be dead."

"What? No, I wouldn't. I'm just as strong as Miranda," Shepard argued, pride stung irrationally. "I'm cybernetically enhanced."

"Shepard, your cybernetics are keeping you alive. Not making you superwoman," Chakwas said, and Shepard balked a bit in surprise. Ever since she had woken up she had felt stronger than before, physically. But she had never really examined what the extra parts inside her were doing exactly.

"Granted, you have some superior functions. Your reflexes are above average, your strength is better than before, your eyesight is improved, and you have the obvious biotic enhancement from your implant," Chakwas continued, "but you rely on the majority of the technology inside you to have your organs not shut down, not to make you some kind of superwoman. I know. I examined your records when you were revived. You don't have Miranda's natural resilience and superior genetics. If it was any other person who was shot down on Demeter, besides Grunt, they would have bled out before they reached me. Including you."

"So," she said slowly. "You're saying that if my cybernetics were damaged... I'd die?"

"Yes, most likely. Or die a slow death of organ failure. Your heart is about the only thing that beats and functions by itself. It's purely organic. They managed to repair it fully."

"Why couldn't they just fix me properly? Like I was before?" she asked, confused. Chakwas put the finishing touches on her cheek with a swipe of medi-gel.

"Lazarus's impressive," Mordin said, nodding as he handed Miles back to her. "Changeling, perhaps even more impressive. Tech beyond my knowledge. Wonder how Cerberus obtained it? No matter. Results the same. Cannot repair what was completely broken, exactly as it was. Vase shattered on the ground. Cannot glue pieces together without rough spots. Water spills. Cannot put in container the exact amount again, in the same configuration. Always one molecular different. Stubborn. Too many variables. Too many unique parameters. Brain same. Organs same. Chemicals same."

"And my son?" Shepard asked. "What about him? Does he have cybernetics, too?"

She looked him over, raising his chubby arms and legs for signs of cracked, glowing skin or maybe a red shine in his eyes.

"No," Mordin answered. "Completely human. Have checked. Have scanned. Even took some DNA. Hope you don't mind. Ran tests."

"Mordin! Don't do experiments on him or I swear to god, you and I are going to have problems," she said, standing angrily.

Mordin held his hands up in supplication. "Small, non-intrusive tests. Had to make sure not Cerberus trick or had optical implants to destroy the _Normandy_. Only took a saliva sample on the shuttle. Ran it on omni-tool. DNA is normal. Expected results."

"You did that without my permission, Mordin. That's not OK."

"Apologize. Was necessary. Maternal feelings would get in the way of duty if results were of the... unhappy variety."

Shepard glared at him and Chakwas shifted. "Mordin, perhaps it's best you left us to give Miles a bath, hmm?" Chakwas said gently.

"Very well. We'll talk later," he replied cheerfully as he left the room.

Shepard fumed. "He was just actually implying to my face that if Miles had turned out to be some kind of Cerberus trick, he would have killed him while I wasn't around because he knew I would try and stop it."

"Mordin's analytical and practical, Shepard. You know how he is," Chakwas replied, leading Shepard over to the now filled med bay sink and prompting her to undress Miles. "If you were running an operation that wasn't so personal, it's likely you would have done the same to protect the ship. It was only a saliva sample."

"He's had enough doctors in his short lifetime. No more experiments. I thought Mordin... I don't know. Ever since he saw what Maelon did to those female krogan on Tuchanka..."

She shivered, thinking of their broken bodies, all that they had done to have hope of bearing a live child.

Chakwas held one of Miles' flailing limbs and waved her 'tool over him, taking readings.

"Mordin knows better than to touch Miles without my permission," she said, calming slightly as she watched Chawkas work. "I think he was just... being practical like you say. I can't be that cold. I can't be detached like him. I never could."

Chakwas hummed in agreement and gave Miles short, sharp jab with a needle. Shepard winced as his tears returned with a vengeance.

"Shh, it's OK. Only hurts for a second," she said, rubbing his back.

Chakwas nodded with satisfaction and turned to the task of bathing the baby.

Shepard smiled as she peeled off his filthy singlet to reveal his baby-fat tummy.

"Wow," she said, laughing in surprise. "He's... really cute. Look at him. He's pudgy."

Chakwas laughed. "It's just baby fat. I want to put more on him. But, Shepard, I think your judgement is a little biased in this case. Of course you think he's cute." She sniffed. "It's funny. You should have heard the nurses' gossip on the SR-1. They though Kaidan was cute, too. Maybe that's where he gets it from?"

"I don't really want to talk about Kaidan, if you don't mind, Karin."

She knew that Chakwas was only trying to be kind, maybe cheer Shepard up with the comparison between Kaidan and Miles, but Shepard felt the opposite of cheered.

Chakwas' grin faded. "Of course." She busied herself with putting some moisturising liquid in the water and checking the temperature as Shepard peeled off Miles' dirty diaper.

"There we are," she said softly. "We'll get you all clean again and we can go for a sleep. That would be nice, wouldn't it?"

"To answer your question about his lack of cybernetics, Shepard," Chakwas said as Shepard lowered Miles into the water and he started bawling in protest. "When they revived him, his undifferentiated cells probably only needed a kick start. They adapt readily. He could be properly repaired and revived, unlike you who needed technological aid. It's actually fairly genius, what they did and explains his apparent lack of tech. The science of it is beyond even me. I'm afraid I'm not like the doctors Cerberus employed, those working on the bleeding edge of the medical field. The ethics get too muddled for me. I prefer my hands to remain clean."

"Don't tell me the science," Shepard sighed, holding Miles' head above water as she massaged his dirty limbs. He seemed to enjoy it, his cries easing. "I wouldn't understand anyway and it would probably make me want to break things in half. He's here now. He's perfectly formed. That's all that matters."

Chakwas finished lathering the soap at the crook of his sweaty neck. "It's such a shame about his hair..."

"He's fine," Shepard said defensively, running her hands over his bald head and trailing water over him. "It'll grow back. He's handsome anyway."

"Of course he is," Chakwas replied, glancing at Shepard out of the corner of her eye. "You should take a shower while I continue bathing him."

"It's his first bath. I should be here."

"Alright, Shepard," Chakwas said and Shepard could tell by her tone she was worried about her.

"I'm fine. I just... I don't like him being out of my sight."

Their task done, Chakwas grabbed two towels and set them on the bench. "They were in the dryer," she explained, "so they're nice and warm. Hopefully, he'll go to sleep, but he really should have a feed first. It's best we put some weight on him. He's a little less than I'd like."

"Oh no," Shepard gasped, transferring Miles, dripping wet and slippery to Chakwas and grabbing a towel. "That's my fault. The Illusive Man said he had biotics and he's probably starving right now. No wonder he's upset."

Chakwas helped her wrap him securely in the towel and bundle him into Shepard's arms. "That's not your fault. You didn't ask your drive core to explode."

"What if that wasn't it? What if I passed biotics onto him, like eezo in my bloodstream? Or Kaidan? I mean... I've never heard of two human biotics having a child before."

"That's because most of you are under thirty-five years old, Shepard, and there's not many of you. Biotics tend to marry non-biotics by pure statistics. There's no inherent risk of two biotics having a child. It's impossible that you passed biotics on to him because it's not genetics, it has to be environmental. "

Shepard frowned as Chakwas busied herself by the microwave, hidden behind one of her many cupboards. "I had some nutritious milk prepared here. God knows why, but Gardner had some baby powder formula in the mess. I guess it was meant for emergency refugee supplies, which is good, or we would have to dock for food."

"That's too dangerous right now," Shepard replied. "The Alliance is extremely pissed with me. I'm not taking the risk. We'll make do with what we have."

"Sit down, Shepard. I'll show you how to feed him."

Shepard settled back on the bed uncertainly. "Well... it could be worse," she sighed. "I could have to get my boob out right now and embarrass myself. Hey, perks to having your hormones artificially controlled while in a coma, right?" she said sarcastically, gesturing to her chest.

Chakwas gave her a _look_ for her crassness and Shepard's cheeks went a little red. She never could just shut her mouth and not make an awkward situation worse. "I'm sorry about that. I can't make you start-"

"It doesn't matter," Shepard cut her off. "Not anymore. That time passed. It won't come back. I wouldn't be any good at it anyway."

Chakwas handed her the warm bottle after testing it on the skin of her wrist. "He should take it eagerly, if he's as hungry as I think he is. We might have to give him more milk than a regular baby. So we'll just see how he goes. He's not quite ready for solids. Maybe in a few months."

Shepard cradled him in her arms, smiling at how he resembled a squishy wrapped burrito with his warm towel. He took the bottle's teat happily and in his haste milk spilled out the side of his mouth. Shepard wiped the dribbles away.

"Wow. He's such a pig," Shepard laughed, holding the bottle steady for him as he suckled furiously. "I didn't think he'd take it so easily. I thought babies were meant to be hard to feed."

"Can't imagine where he's got that from," Chakwas remarked drolly. Shepard threw a pillow from the bed at her as she laughed.

"As I was saying," Chakwas began, sobering. "It's not your fault he's a biotic. You could put the most powerful human biotics together and get them to make babies, but not a single one would be born with biotics without the triggering eezo exposures. Which you had no control over."

"I still feel like it's my fault. He got the predilection from me after all."

"Or Kaidan. Or both of you. I know it's hard with biotic babies. They're prone to malnutrition. But you can manage it well with a prompt feeding schedule. If anything, you're responsible for his survival. From what you told me, the Illusive Man was right: your genes are probably what allowed him to be born cancer-free and not mutated horribly."

Shepard nodded, mollified slightly. "Kaidan won't be happy," she whispered. "He told me that he was fine with not having kids when I said I didn't want any. He said he was afraid that his children would be biotics. That they'd go through what he did. That he never really thought he would have kids, ever since he was a teenager and learned what it was like to be different. I guess everything he never wanted came true. What a mess."

Chakwas drew herself up to her full height. "If he's not happy... well, let's just say I have some very big needles around here and I am not above jamming them in unspeakable places. But I find that hard to believe. Kaidan's clearly still smitten with you, Shepard. I know that much, from what I saw of him."

"Me? Maybe. Maybe miraculously after all this shit. After Cerberus. He's angry with me, too, though. And a kid? I don't know. I... we never talked about it properly, except for a few months ago. And that was just to say we were fine with it being just us two. I loved him so much for that, in that moment," Shepard confessed in a rush of sudden emotion. Chakwas shifted uneasily, not used to Shepard being so blunt about her relationship.

"I felt like... a weight had been lifted off. Like he wasn't suddenly going to leave me because I never wanted kids, because I was afraid. I thought... we were perfect, or as close as I could get to it. Because he loved me for me. I see now we're very far from perfect and the best laid plans... well, they're worth nothing. Nothing ever works out the way you'd expect. I found that out in this med bay when you told me about Miles for the first time. When you told me he was dead."

"I'm glad I was wrong. Are you?"

She gazed down at Miles' face, his drooping eyes, the dark lashes that brushed his cheeks in a gentle curve.

"Yes," Shepard replied. "I am glad you were wrong."

"Well, the offer of the needle stands, Commander. Just give me the order."

Shepard giggled. "You know, I might just promote you to ship grandmother."

"Don't you dare, Shepard!" Chakwas gasped. "I'm far too young for that nonsense. I think Samara to be a far more appropriate age."

"Samara is way too hot for a grandma," Shepard laughed.

Chakwas glared. "Oh?"

"Oops. I mean, you're hot, Karin! Totally hot."

Chakwas sniffed, offended still.

"I'll buy you a bottle of brandy, come on. I'm sorry. Besides, are you afraid the grandma title will turn Hackett off?" Shepard suggested cheekily.

Chakwas rolled her eyes. "Why do you persist with this fantasy of a love affair with Hackett? I swear..."

Shepard laughed. To her surprise, Miles' mouth curved in a bare smile, an imitation of her.

"Look at him, Karin. He's smiling. He thinks I'm funny!"

"Well, there's no accounting for taste. His silly father thought the same, too, although I find your sense of humor to be just a touch better than Joker's. And you know I find Joker insufferable when he starts his teasing."

Shepard waved her off, absorbed in the sight of Miles' gummy smile around his bottle.

Chakwas drifted off to check on Miranda's vitals as Shepard gazed at her son's trusting face, his eyes large and luminous as he ate with utmost concentration, judging her and finding her satisfactory.

"It's just you and me now, kiddo," she whispered. "Well, until we talk to your dad. We're going to have to work on our game plan. So, I figure, you look ultra cute, I put on some skimpy lingerie, soft music, whisper, '_Hey, Kaidan, you and me had a baby, call me maybe_?' and how could he be mad? Right? How could he be mad with your little face? Do you think he'll yell? I hate Horizon yelling. My temper tends to get a bit... messy. And really, let's be honest, kiddo, your dad is a huge pain in the ass."

Miles didn't answer. He blinked at her sleepily as if to say, '_You're on your own there, Mom_.'

"Yeah, you little chicken," she sighed. "I would chicken out, too, if I could."

They sat in silence for a full fifteen minutes as Chakwas fussed with some fabric. She finally came over as Miles finished his second bottle.

"Alright, now burp him," she said.

"I _know_," Shepard replied. "I have fed a baby before, you know. My brother was much younger than me and mom wasn't around much." She lifted Miles to her shoulder and patted his back firmly. He burped and Shepard felt something land on her back. "Wonderful. Baby spew. Good thing I need a shower anyway."

"Go take a shower, Shepard. I'll watch him. Then come back and take him for a nap. You could both do with some time alone to bond and rest."

"Alright," Shepard agreed reluctantly. "I need to talk to someone anyway."

She handed him over to Chakwas. "Be good for Chakwas, kiddo. I'll be back for you soon as I have gotten a little payback."

Shepard gave a last lingering look at him, watched Miranda's chest rise and fall, and then let the door whoosh shut behind her.

* * *

Shepard rushed a shower up in her cabin, washing her hair quickly and then threw on some tracksuit pants and a loose shirt.

She did not wear Cerberus colors.

And never, ever would again.

The Illusive Man was waiting as she stepped onto the QEC pad for the last time.

"Shepard," he said immediately. "You and your son are dead."

"Funny," she sniped with a feral snarl on her face. "We're still breathing. You've lost, Illusive Man. I outsmarted you."

He took a furious sip of his scotch, clearly agitated. "I received word from Demeter. Our facility was decimated. You just ruined everything you could have been with Cerberus. I would have given you the world."

"No," she snapped. "You would have chained me like a dog. Paraded me around on a leash, with the promise of just one glimpse of Miles. You're a monster and I'm done with your games."

"How did you do it?" he hissed. "How did you fool the AI?"

"EDI is a person and she is loyal to me. It was _her_ idea. She's more amazing than you ever gave her credit for and she tricked you. She was never re-shackled by me. We've been working on recovering Miles since the moment I told them what you did to me. You did one thing right in all this; you gave me the best damn team. _My_ team. Not _yours_. You don't have their loyalty."

Shepard grinned with satisfaction as the Illusive Man's every muscle radiated fury.

"Can't you see? I was only trying to make you the best you could be! The hope for humanity! You're too close-minded, mired in phony sentimentality. And you've doomed humanity. The Alliance will not be able to stop the Reapers. Cerberus was humanity's answer."

"Cerberus is humanity's plague," she snarled. "Don't try and justify all that you've done to me. Don't try and-"

"Ever since you blew the Collectors' Base you've been unmanageable," he cut over her with a violent wave of his cigarette. "I see more and more now that maybe you were always a lost cause and reviving-"

"Don't you interrupt me!" she snapped. "I am speaking and _you will listen_. I'm done. Don't try and contact me. Don't try and apprehend me. Don't you dare come near any of my family. You get in my way again? And I will end you. Painfully."

"Cerberus was the best hope of defeating the Reapers. You could have achieved that with us. You've thrown it all away for a bastard child."

"I'm going to stop the Reapers," Shepard said. "But I won't sacrifice the soul of our species to do it. Or _my_ soul."

"Salvation comes at a cost. Judge us not by our means, but by what we seek to accomplish."

"You go too far. I won't follow. I loathe you and everything you represent. I would kill you right now, if I could find you."

The Illusive Man stood and they glared at each other. An age seemed to pass, neither willing to back down, two titans of personality and force.

"You belong to me, Shepard. The child belongs to me. Sooner or later, Cerberus will take back what is ours."

Shepard smirked and began walking away.

"Don't turn your back on me, Shepard! I _made_ you, I brought you back from the dead!"

"I'm sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you. I'm getting a lot of bullshit on this line. Joker, _lose this channel_."

"Aye, aye, boss," Joker replied, a laugh in his voice as the Illusive Man's image blinked away. "Just like old times."

"It _is_ just like old times. Everything's going to be alright, now," Shepard promised, hurrying to pick up Miles from the med bay and hug him tightly to her.

_She was free. _

In the med bay, Shepard noticed Chakwas had dressed Miles in a fresh singlet and a cloth diaper.

"Where did you get the clothes?" Shepard asked. "I didn't think uniform catered to babies."

Chakwas shrugged. "The diaper is just a cloth towel I've folded up and held together with safety pins. It's the best we can do without supplies. The singlet is his old one I shoved in the wash and dried quickly in the dryer. It's all we have. He might have to go shirtless in a pinch. I've told EDI to turn up the heat. Maybe one of the crew is handy with sewing? I'll ask around. Surely one of them can convert some shirts into something for him."

"I can just picture it now," Shepard smirked. "Zaeed. Knitting some booties. With 'Prince' written on them. I am 'Princess' after all, right?"

Shepard picked Miles up from where Chakwas had settled him on the bed, surrounded by the saferail and a fort of pillows. His body was warm and soft against hers. She breathed in his clean scent, feeling secure and happy. He buried his head against the crook of her neck.

"I told the Illusive Man to fuck off," she said with pride.

Chakwas nodded. "Good. I would wring his neck if I could get a hold of him."

"We'll do the best we can," she said softly. "EDI?"

"Yes, Shepard?"

"We're going to take a nap. No disturbances. Take us back to the Shadow Broker's base. We'll hide there with Liara, rest, repair what we can to the _Normandy_, and go to meet Kaidan in a week. Inform the crew that departures are happening this week and if they don't want to be taken into Alliance custody, they need to say their goodbyes."

"Very well, Shepard," EDI replied. "I will inform the crew of the schedule."

"Thanks." She turned to Chakwas, speaking quietly so she didn't jostle Miles who was drifting into sleep. "Thanks for everything, Karin."

"My pleasure," Chakwas beamed. "I made you up some bottles. They're in the mess refrigerator and you should take one with you so when he wakes he can eat. You have a microwave up in your cabin right? Just heat for two minutes. Test it first."

Shepard accepted the proffered bottle. "Thanks again. And thanks for saving Miranda. Let me know when she wakes up."

* * *

She trudged upstairs, took the blanket that had once lain over herself and Kaidan as they cuddled on her couch and draped it over herself and Miles, curling up on the bed. Unable to resist, she traced her finger down his pudgy nose, eyes stinging. She couldn't look away from him, everything she had fought so hard for. It was almost painful to think of all she had endured before she even found out about him, the hard few months since she woke up.

"It's over now," she whispered. "We're safe."

Then she rolled over, carefully adjusting the pillows around him, and reached into her bedside table. She extracted a book along with the man's shirt it was wrapped in. She draped the shirt over Miles for extra warmth, making sure it didn't cover his face and began to stroke his back gently, lulling him to sleep.

"'_Once when I was six years old'_," she began to read haltingly, stumbling over the words, trying to remember what Kaidan had said so long ago. "'_I saw a mag-ni- fi- cent – _ah, I think that's 'magnificent'_ - 'picture in a book...'_"

Together, they drifted off to sleep. Shepard curled around him, the book opened to a picture of a little prince alone with his rose.


End file.
